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"Hold on," Yasha said abruptly.
Beau paused with her hand on the doorknob and blinked up, mystified. Her girlfriend had been looking forward to going out and seeing the Christmas lights for days, so whatever was arresting her attention this close to going had to be kind of a big deal. Beau would even be nervous if not for the decided lack of anxiety in her voice, but as things were she just waited, faintly steaming in her coat. "You're supposed to wear a hat," said Yasha. "I'm sure of it. You're small -" she put her hands close together for emphasis - "and all of your body heat goes through your head."
Beau let go of the doorknob to cross her arms - no easy feat in a puffy down coat - and raised an eyebrow. Even without looking like a defunct michelin man it was impossible to pull off anything too serious, which pretty much matched the tone of whatever was going on here. "That sounded awfully scientific, Yash. Where'd you hear that?"
She had clearly been waiting to be asked. "The internet," she said proudly. "Jester showed me how to ask it questions."
Oh, Beau had no doubt of that. She sighed. "I have…so many concerns about that, but we don't have time if we're gonna make it to everything we want tonight. Bottom line: I'm already sweating in this coat and there's like no wind." She nodded to Yasha's clothes. "And while we're on the subject, you're not wearing enough."
Yasha frowned down at herself, puzzled. "You said underwear was a personal choice."
Don't laugh don't laugh - "I sure did," Beau managed with a straight face, "but what I mean is it's gonna look a little odd for you to be out in the snow with a t-shirt on, which. Normally who gives a shit, but in the interest of blending in on your own terms…" She shrugged. "Where's that hoodie you like? It's still too light for most people, but nobody would look twice."
Yasha's guilty face would've cracked Beau's resolve not to laugh if not for knowing how hard she tried not to explode her clothes. "It ah…needs some attention when Jester gets back." She glanced at the floor and shuffled her feet a little.
Beau reached for her elbow, smiling. "What happened?" she cajoled, and when Yasha crossed her arms with a huff she just leaned in closer and shook her gently. "C'mon, you can tell me. Did another squirrel run across the window screen?"
"No," said Yasha defensively. Her voice dropped to a mumble. "You told me you ordered me a gift for Christmas and I got excited when the package landed on the porch." She looked at Beau, who had her lips pressed desperately together. "What? It was big."
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." The giggle fell out of Beau even as she reached for Yasha's other arm in sincerity. "I am so fucking charmed by how excited you get about things, I promise it is the cutest thing in the world."
Slightly mollified, Yasha's brows un-creased by a margin. "I am very cute."
"Absolutely. You are also part dog, which is just more cute than any one person should have. Look." She rose up on tiptoe to kiss Yasha's cheek, warmed at the way her girlfriend's eyes softened as she reflexively reached to steady Beau and hold her close. "I know going out feels as scary as it does fun," she murmured. "I mean I kind of know. I get why, anyway. But if you go furry while we're out, it's literally no big deal."
Yasha held her a little closer. "But then the lights go all gray. I want to see them, and I want to…" she huffed a little, petulant. "I'm not nervous people will see me change, really. I just want to be able to go out in public with you as your normal girlfriend. I want people to see that we belong to each other."
It really was getting desperately warm in her coat, but Beau didn't dare break away yet. "So you'd be more okay with having accidents if you could go back to being person-shaped instead of having to go home?"
"Yeah. I think that's definitely part of it."
Beau squeezed Yasha's biceps (hot, always) and backed up a little to look up at her. "Let me talk to Caleb and see what we can maybe do for that long-term, but for now I had an idea along the same lines. Wait here a sec, yeah?" She started stripping out of her jacket and sighed in relief when it hit the floor. "I'll put it back on in a minute," she promised Yasha, who was tilting her head in concern. "Don't go anywhere."
Mystified, Yasha just nodded and took an obedient seat on the couch by the door as Beau hustled back to their room and threw herself flat to dig out one of the boxes from under the bed. She hadn't found a good moment to push Yasha out and wrap anything yet, but probably it was fine given the circumstances - one, it was more important to give it to her now, and two, it wasn't like Yasha was particularly clear on the specifics of the holiday anyway.
"Close your eyes," she called down the hallway.
"Okay." They were definitely still shut, but as Beau approached Yasha's nose twitched a little. "It smells like a box. But it sounds like -"
"Okay, open," Beau said, managing not to trip over herself in her haste to get in position before Yasha guessed.
Yasha's eyes opened, then wider as she took in first the plain purple hoodie Beau was holding up, then the two extras thrown over her shoulder. Identical. Multiple. Some might say disposable. It had taken Beau a while to track down more of the same clothes Yasha had liked from the thrift store, but the way her eyes were already widening in comprehension made every frustrating eBay search worth it and more. "I figured it would be nice to have extras of your favorite stuff for when Jester's not here," said Beau. "I was gonna give you all of it on the actual day we open presents, but this seemed more important." She smiled. "Besides, this is only one gift. Well. Many of one gift, but you get me."
Yasha drifted a hand over the material, mesmerized. "You got me more of these for when we go out?"
"Yep. I figure we can carry around a backpack with at least one extra of everything important. That way if you explode, all we gotta do is get you somewhere you can get dressed without being spotted."
The lights on the tree across from Yasha were shining in her eyes when she looked at Beau, and then she stood up suddenly and wrapped her in another big hug. This one was much nicer without the stifling coat, especially since Beau's arms were relatively free to hug her back. "I still can't believe this is real sometimes," Yasha confessed into her shoulder. "Not in a bad way, just." She ducked her head to nose meaningfully at the scar under Beau's shirt, careful not to push too hard. "You're so kind."
She didn't say despite, but Beau heard it anyway and squeezed her even tighter. Not for the first time, the words they hadn't said yet skittered through her mind and crashed off a cliff. There was no denying that she loved Yasha, just that every time she thought of saying it there was some reason why it seemed better not to yet. Like right now, it seemed like a major expectation for Yasha to reply - especially when all Beau had done was look out for her in a way that suited her needs.
She breathed in Yasha's scent at her shoulder and silently resolved not to wait too much longer. "You're not difficult to be kind to, you know. We're together. I want you happy. Confident. Relaxed. And all the other good shit you've been missing out on for years."
She felt Yasha swallow. "I am all of those things with you, Beau. The whole world feels…new, I think that's a good word. And that's because of you."
The longer Beau processed those words, the less likely it was that they would be going anywhere tonight. It wasn't that she couldn't - thank the gods for all the work she'd managed to do in the last couple of years - just that she required time to process good things as much as bad ones. She would sit with this later, maybe while she was curled up amid a veritable mountain of snowy fur and waiting for sleep, but for now…
She pulled back and gave Yasha another quick kiss, this time on her lips. "There's lots more where that came from, babe. Now go ahead and throw one of these on and let me stuff a bag real quick so we can go stare at the pretty colors."
Yasha nodded and accepted one of the hoodies with a kiss to Beau's forehead, which seemed to radiate warmth through her face and fill her up with light - which was to say, made her scrunch her nose. "I can't wait," Yasha said, then paused. "That's not true. I can, but I don't want to."
Beau laughed and swayed backwards to start off towards the room. "Two minutes and we're golden."
Yasha's head poked out from the hoodie, her hair staticky and half covering her smile. "Does this mean I can give you your present?"
Beau poked her head from the doorway and squinted at her with sudden suspicion. "Is it a hat?"
Yasha glanced sideways and back. "Yes. It has a wolf on it." She gestured. "And a little fuzzy ball on top."
Yeah, Beau pretty much loved her so much it hurt.
All the money in the world wouldn't have persuaded Beau to say it out loud, but she couldn't help but note the frigid breeze that had kicked up in the hour or so they'd been walking - and the way it died in the thick fabric of her hat before ever reaching her ears. She could feel the chill, hear the muffled rustle, but inside her hat and her coat there was nothing but cozy warmth. Even if her nose felt like it might fall off.
It didn’t matter though. Beau was hardly paying attention to anything but the way Yasha's eyes bounced from light display to light display, clutching Beau's arm with one hand and pointing with the other whenever something particularly flashy went off. Holidays weren't as weird for Beau as they used to be, but there was still something healing about seeing it all through the eyes of someone unused to the fanfare. When Yasha looked around like she might pull a muscle in her neck, mouth open in unselfconscious awe, it felt to Beau like a kind of magic of its own. Maybe the spirit of Christmas was dead in the water for her. Maybe her life growing up had ruined her for good cheer and glad tidings. Maybe for her, they would never exceed more than a pleasant time spent with a chosen family and a walk now and then through lights that staved off the early dark. But for Yasha this was emblematic of freedom, a taste of the life she'd only glimpsed through the bars of a cage in a land so different from her own - the place she'd come to start over with someone she loved and where she'd lost everything instead.
If she could just keep looking at Yasha like this, hold on to the feeling she got in her chest at the lights reflected in her eyes - if she could keep reminding herself that real joy still existed in the world and she got to be here with someone determined to soak in every bit of it until she burst…
Beau rustled Yasha's arm gently and smiled up at her when she blinked down. "You feeling wolfy, or are you good?"
"I think I'm the best I've ever been," Yasha replied breathlessly. "It's so beautiful, Beau. I've never seen so much color, and in the middle of winter too." Her mouth worked for a moment, and then she pulled Beau close and threw her arms around her. "This is perfect." Her breath caught like she had more to say, but she settled for rubbing her cheek against Beau's hat with a contented sound.
This was it, Beau realized. As far as Yasha was concerned, she had everything she wanted in this moment. And honestly? So did Beau. Even if she wasn't at the place where she could fully accept the good things happening to and around her, even if she couldn't soak it up the way Yasha could, this was objectively one of the best moments of her life as well - held safe in the arms of someone who loved her and the life they were just about to begin together.
When Yasha finally let go and pulled back, Beau tightened her hold on her waist instead of letting go and spent a long moment looking up at those glistening eyes, almost the same color in the wash of color around them and watching her above a softly quizzical smile.
"I love you," Beau said simply, and though her stomach clenched reflexively she knew in the same instant a kind of peace she'd never really expected to feel but which was unmistakable in its quiet. It took her a moment to realize it was coming from the place where their bond connected them, and with that knowledge she was able to smile a bit wider and reach up to brush some hair from where the wind had it pinned to her cheek. "Just so you know."
There was the joy again, winding through their bond alongside the quiet even as Yasha stayed stock still and frozen between breaths. Her pupils were wide, lights forgotten by the both of them as something began to stir within Beau, pulled along by the electric pulse of Yasha's feelings like a student following the flow of a fight lesson.
Yasha gave a sudden shiver, so quick and violent that Beau jumped a little within her grasp as the breath shuddered out of her in a cloud between them. "I love you too," Yasha said quickly, hands coming up to grip Beau's shoulders. "I love you so much and I am absolutely going to ruin this hoodie, fuck -"
Beau laughed, a sound so carefree and light that it almost didn't sound like her at all. She grabbed for Yasha's hand and jerked her head down the street. "Race you to the end of the next block, see if you can burn off four legs by running on two?"
Yasha was off almost before the last word, Beau's hand in hers and hair streaming behind her in the wind as they ran. The blood roaring through Beau's ears under her hat covered every other sound but the scuff of their shoes on the salted sidewalk and the laughter that fell from the both of them between ragged breaths, and for this perfect moment there was nothing else but the feel of Yasha's hand in hers, nothing to witness them but the lights flickering through the silver strands of Yasha's hair and reflecting from the concrete damp with winter stretched before them like a runway. Anything was possible. Anything at all.