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V caught one last glance of herself in the bathroom mirror before the pill kicked in. It was such a subtle change, the way Johnny held himself in her body. A different tilt to the head, a shift in body weight, and that damned smirk. It wasn’t her smirk. It was too confident, too self assured. It was a look that she had knocked off the face of guys back in her boxing days. Johnny flashed her a wink with her own eyes before she felt herself slipping away.
She experienced the next few hours like snapshots. Only there for a moment and then gone again.
Tuning instruments and last minute equipment checks. A laugh as he lets her hair down, a strand sticking to her lipstick. The scream of an electric guitar as the crowd sings along. The heat of the lights on her face, unable to see too far into the crowd. Leaning in close to Kerry to share a mic, a knowing smile flashing across the singer's face. Fingers shredding across the strings of a familiar guitar.
And as quickly as she was tucked into the back of her skull when she took the pseudoendotrizine, she was just as quickly dragged back up from the depths. Like a drowning victim. Disoriented and confused.
Now, as she regained control of her body, she sat at the bar at the Red Dirt. Which meant Johnny kept his promise this time and didn’t take off after he was done playing. She rubbed at her face, trying to get the feeling back into it. She could hear someone talking and it took her a minute to realize it was Kerry beside her.
“I’m sorry, just…” she trailed off, looking at the guitar in his hands. Johnny has gotten sentimental in his old age, hasn't he?
“He’s gone, isn’t he?” Kerry asked, sounding more than a little disappointed.
“Yeah, but he’s still here” she said, tapping at the port on the back of her head “He can hear you” she said, willing to be the messenger between the two. Since she reconnected the two, Johnny had become a bit more tolerable. And she felt bad. She couldn’t imagine being stuck, unable to communicate to her friends. She would probably be more pissy than Johnny ever was.
“Thanks, but I’m not in the mood for hovering tables and voices from beyond the grave right now” he stated, trying to make light of his disappointment, absentmindedly strumming at the guitar in his hands. She pulled her now loose hair into a bun to get it back out of her face while he fiddled with Johnny’s old guitar. After a moment he lifted his head. “Actually, maybe you should hang onto this” he said, shifting to pull his pistol out.
V raised her brows but took the gun without comment. Johnny had filled her in on their conversation when he met up with Kerry. Mostly because she wanted to know why her face had felt like she’d been pistol whipped. This pistol meant more than Kerry was letting on but she could see the relief on his face when he handed over the gun.
She tucked the pistol away in her… their Samurai jacket, mentally correcting herself before Johnny had a chance to. “How was the show? It was a shame I had to miss it, would’ve loved to see you all together again” she said, though she could feel the after effects of the show on her body. It sure felt like she’d been there.
“Was hella preem. Samurai has found its new groove” he said, shrugging a bit. V was getting the impression that Kerry would have preferred to be talking to Johnny right now. It wasn’t that he was trying to brush her off or anything, which was kind of him, but he didn’t know her. They were complete strangers except she had his dead friend floating around in her head. Which explained why she felt like she wanted to keep talking to him. Johnny's thoughts leaching into her’s more and more everyday. She wasn’t sure if knowing he was changing her was worse than not knowing at all.
Thankfully Kerry was good at bailing out of uncomfortable situations and he bowed out politely, promising a call in her future.
V let out a huge sigh as he stepped away, finally letting herself feel the after effects of letting Johnny take the wheel. She turned on her seat to prop her arms up on the bar, a headache spilling over her like a wave. She braced against it for a moment, waiting for the worst to pass with eyes clenched closed. She was thankful she was able to hold it back long enough for Kerry to leave. These drugs were fucking her up and she wished she could go complain to Vik about it. But she didn’t want to bother him anymore than she already was. When she reopened them, Johnny was in front of her, looking very pleased with himself.
She could feel his happiness, his satisfaction with the gig just rolling off of him in waves. He was excitedly pacing back and forth, like he somehow had extra energy to burn off after the concert.
“God its been ages since I’ve been able to do that. Even if it wasn’t all of Samurai, it was as close as we were gonna get” Johnny said, excited and unable to hold it in. “I wish you coulda been there, V. It was helluva show. Those folks got lucky cause they won’t hear shit like that ever again” he said, smacking his hands down on the bar for dramatic effect. “And everyone who didn’t get a ticket is gonna have to live off of bootlegs” he laughed, looking genuinely happy for what seemed like the first time in a long time. V felt bad that she was gonna drag his mood down when her headache finally caught up with him.
“Glad you had a good time, Johnny” she threw that thought at him, truly meaning it. It meant a lot to her that he was this happy. Glad he was tying up loose ends for himself as well as his friends.
“How you feelin?” he asked, mood changing immediately as he took stock of her state. He looked as concerned as he could behind those glasses, all of that giddy energy gone as soon as it came.
She just looked at him with tired eyes, he knew exactly how she felt but she appreciated that he thought to ask.
“Can’t believe that asshole Kerry just up and left you like this” Johnny huffed, shifting his weight back and forth like he wanted to go start a fight with his old band mate. That was the Johnny she was more familiar with.
“Chill, choom. He don’t know me like he knows you. I’m not taking it personally…I’m like your weird fucked up PA” she thought at him, looking down at her hands. “Why the fuck do my fingers hurt so much?” she asked, looking back up at him. They felt raw and sore. Like she’d caught herself on blacktop or something.
“Guitar strings will do that to ya” Johnny said, a small smirk on his face. “And your voice is gonna be trashed for tomorrow, sorry” he said, not feeling sorry in the slightest. “Best find something soothing from your hippie friend”.
V slipped off her barstool, shaking her head at Johnny. “Hippie, really? You're showing your age, old man” she teased, heading for the exit. She was rubbing at her face again, still not feeling back in her body and the headache wasn’t helping.
She could feel Johnny behind her as she pushed the doors open to cool night air. V knew he wasn’t physically behind her but it felt like it. It was almost a comfort, having someone watch her six. Something she really hadn’t thought about since she lost Jackie.
She made it a few steps out of the door before another relic malfunction warning flashed across her eyes, like she needed the heads up. She let out a groan from clenched teeth as her vision swam, getting slammed with what could only be described as painful brain static. She had tried to explain it to Vik once but she couldn’t get the words out to describe where the pain was even coming from, let alone how it felt.
V could tell Johnny was trying to get her attention but she just made a beeline for the bench by the bus stop. She missed the bench by several feet, tripping as she lost her balance and came crashing down on the sidewalk. She probably looked like some sloppy drunk but she was doing her best to keep her dinner down to not add to that image.
“V, you alright? Stick with me, V” Johnny’s voice broke through the ringing in her ears, the static across her vision lessening as she looked up at him. He was glitching, blue streaks fracturing his image as he squatted down in front of her. His glasses were gone, a concerned look in his eyes as he looked her over.
“Mmmhm. I’m here…just…gimmie a minute” she breathed as she pulled her legs up underneath herself, pressing down hard on her eyes like it would relieve the pressure growing in her head. It didn’t.
“Shits getting worse” Johnny said quietly after a couple of minutes of her trying to get her head on straight.
If she wasn’t on death’s door she probably would’ve roasted him for stating the obvious. But any energy for that was left back at the bar.
“Yeah…that’s an understatement. Taking those pills…Makes it worse I think” she said quietly, knowing what that meant for Johnny. That if he wanted out, she’d pay the price for it. “Hope that’s it for last requests” she was trying to make a joke out of it but her tired and cracked voice ruined any humor in it.
“It is. And I’m starting to regret you agreed to this concert thing” He said, moving to sit beside her. She was tempted to just lean over on him for support but she reminded herself that she’d be eating concrete again if she tried it. Instead she just wrapped her arms around herself, giving herself a tight hug.
“What? I was expecting ‘Thank you, V. You’re the best. How can I ever repay you for this?’” she said, tossing out her best Johnny impression that she could manage in her state. It wasn’t a good one and Johnny just shook his head at her. “Oh come on, you said it was important. For you and Kerry. Clearly it was. It’s no biggie, Johnny”.
“Kerry’s got his life back. Whereas we should be worryin’ on how to get your’s back” he grumbled and V felt a little of what he was feeling slipping past his mental wall. Her eyes went wide as she looked over at him.
“You feel bad” she stated bluntly. “That’s why you won’t say thanks” she said slowly as realization came over her. “You feel bad that I’m one bad smell from hurling in the street and it's because I did you a favor” she said, a smile cracking across her face when Johnny looked away from her. “You big softie, Johnny. I’ll be fine. I always am” she stated firmly, trying to convince herself as well as Johnny. She pushed herself to her feet, head spinning for a minute as she stood but she regained her balance after just a moment. “Let’s get back to work, yeah?”.
She was fine. She was always fine and will always be fine. She took a deep breath and headed for her car. Their car. They had work to do.
She could hear the scuff of his boots on the pavement behind her, Johnny getting more and more real to her everyday as she felt herself slipping away. It was a comfort, having him watching over her but some days more than others he felt like a bad omen, haunting her. She let out a dry laugh at the thought, but she refused to share it with Johnny. She had a fucking black dog lurking in her head, guiding her to the end. She just needed to make it there.