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“...in retrospect, Linling knows this is something she should’ve done sooner. Sitting by the edge of the lake at night, with her lover by her side, an act so incredibly mundane, yet unusual; because they both were too busy fighting their demons that they failed to recognize the love they had for each other.
The love they had. The love they have.
She stares. She stares a little too long, because she likes it. She feels so immensely lucky that she dismisses the embarrassment that comes with the act itself.
My darling. My beloved. I love you, she wants to say.
She isn’t good with words, unfortunately. Poorly written stories from poorly maintained books are the only source of her knowledge, which is a vastly different situation from her companion. That hasn’t been, however, an issue between them so far.
So she opts for what she knows, for what she sees and wants. She takes her hand with the same tenderness she has tried hundred times before. It never ceases to amaze her: the smooth and delicate feel of their fingers, the feather-light touch that grows more confident over the seconds. She likes to think that she notices how her eyes widen just a little bit and then relaxes to this warm gaze that threatens to take her heart away.
They stay like that for a long time, holding hands. She supposes Rex Lapis is watching them from any corner, letting them live in their little bubble for a little while—”.
“Xingqiu?” he hears. Far, far away from this fantasy. Far away from these two lovers.
He wants to be mad, get furious at whoever is trying to cut this delusion. He can sense how the sweet feeling centered in his stomach is falling apart, losing shape: transforming itself into tiny pieces he can’t seem to grasp even if he chases it with his hands.
He wants to grab a pen so bad.
“Xingqiu”, the voice says again, more firmly this time. It does work, bringing him back to this somewhat reality.
Teyvat. Liyue. The real ones.
Chongyun looks worried and probably a bit confused. He is sweating, and suddenly Xingqiu remembers and feels he is with him, under a tree near their city. He vaguely recalls Chongyun saying he was going to train with the claymore while he opted to resume this new book.
It wasn’t anything out of the ordinary.
“Are you okay?” Chongyun scratches his cheek a little, and Xingqiu notices how he’s got mud all over it. His clothes too, are all unclean and messy, but he doesn’t seem to mind.
“Oh”, raspy, his voice cracks; and he realizes he is unable to be mad at Chongyun for breaking whatever spell this book put on him. Not when he is pretty certain Chongyun is the reason he feels so attached to it. “Apologies, my dearest. This book is so entrancing! You definitely will accompany me to Qingce Village to pick the sequel! Chang the Ninth has been hoarding it for months!”
A tangent.
Chongyun sighs but smiles nonetheless. “Ah, Xingqiu... you scared me”, he murmurs, a little too low, the wind stealing his words instead.
“Should we go, my dear exorcist?”
He extends his hand to him: a poor attempt to emulate Linling’s actions. Swallows the way his heart is about to explode.
Chongyun takes it.
-
Xingqiu has read about hand-holding a million times, but he has decided that nothing compares it well enough to the real thing.
Holding Chongyun’s hand has rapidly become one of his favorite hobbies, he thinks. It’s impressive how just being connected to his friend this way makes his heart race, his stomach flip, and his smile bigger. The way his body reacts that intensely for Chongyun just solidifies the fact that he is undoubtedly in love with him.
He sighs.
This is what Linling feels every time she reaches for her lover’s fingers? This is what she seeks, when they are together and words aren’t needed between them? Is this the way she says I love you without voicing it?
By his side, Chongyun looks unaffected: their hands joined between them.
“What is Xiangling cooking today?”, asks Chongyun, tugging his hand. Xingqiu’s heart starts racing just by the act itself. He really has no idea the effect he has on him? “I forgot to ask her”.
Ah, true. He almost forgets they are on their way to Wanmin. To have lunch. With Xiangling.
“I asked her for something with zero spice on it”, he says, smiling brightly at him. When Chongyun narrows his eyes, he has to add: “I’m not lying! For Rex Lapis, trust me this once. I wouldn’t do anything to trigger your yang energy again”.
“I believe you”, says Chongyun, and Xingqiu can’t believe how naïve he is. He also feels incredibly lucky that Chongyun deposits his trust in him without a second thought. “I know that you prank me so I can get better control over my yang energy. You don’t have to worry, Xingqiu. I will get better at it”.
Something in his heart suddenly seems heavy. All the affection he has for his friend feels like a bomb, one that is about to burst at any moment, fueled by this infinite love that only grows day by day.
“I’m really proud of you”, damn, when did he get this teary-eyed? He stills, and Chongyun stops in the middle of the alley to look him in the eye. “You know that, right? You try so hard every day… It makes me want to be better, too”.
He can see how Chongyun’s ears redden behind that messy hair of his. He wants to hold them, but as his friend, there’s only this much he can do. There are so many boundaries he wants to cross. But that wouldn’t be fair to his dear friend.
Chongyun grins, an expression so rare on him it threatens to give him another heart attack. “Then we can be better together”.
Xingqiu can only hear his heart about to burst from his chest, beating so rapidly he can feel it in his entire body. He almost believes Chongyun can feel it too, judging by the way he stares back at him so fiercely. It’s addicting, that gaze of his. Cat-like eyes with so much blue in them, entrancing, asking him to get closer. And Xingqiu is more than ready to get lost in their sea.
“Gross!” they hear, and that breaks whatever bubble they find themselves in. He blinks once, then twice, disoriented. He wants to be mad at whoever interrupted them. “Y’all are gonna be late to Xiangling’s!”
A sing-song voice and a guitar. The unmistakable style of Xinyan. He has no time to excuse them, to say It’s not what it looks like! or plead for her silence, since she is gone in an instant.
“A-Ah…” Chongyun touches his neck, and Xingqiu realizes they are no longer holding hands. Both of his palms feel sweaty, and that stops him from looking for his friend’s hand again. How embarrassing. “We should get going”.
“Y-Yeah. Let’s go, dearest!”
-
With the Lantern Rite approaching, Liyue Harbor has been busier than ever.
He and Chongyun are seated by the sea, on the southern beach of the city, far away from the chaos that’s happening in the main alley. From this place, they can see almost all of its majesty, so breathtaking that Xingqiu curses his brain for not being able to recall this moment in the future accurately, fears that he will forget it.
Tentative fingers touch his, and he gets startled. “Sorry! I didn’t want to scare you”, Chongyun is whispering, which is really unnecessary. They are completely alone, only the sea in front of them their confidant. “You were so serious. Is everything okay?”
Oh, dear. Why is his friend so damn adorable? “No need to worry, my dear Chongyun. I was just thinking about how beautiful the night is today. Don’t you agree?”
He wants to add that Chongyun is even more alluring, but he contains himself. He’s not about to flirt with his friend that openly. “You are right. Liyue is pretty”, he is not looking at him, but at the scenery in front of them. So immense, so infinite. The possibilities are endless. Chongyun has said once, leaving him speechless.
They stay like that for a long time, so long that the air starts to get chilly and Xingqiu has to rub his legs to warm them. His friend notices right away. “Ah, it’s late… I think I’ve borrowed enough of your time today”.
Xingqiu dismisses him immediately. “When did you ever worry about that? You know I always have time for you. Even If I don’t have time, I’ll make it. For you”, he repeats, grasping a little too late the weight of his words. But he doesn’t take them back and decides to let the truth shine in the open.
Chongyun smiles: not too widely. It’s barely perceptible, but he notices it anyway. “You are my best friend”. A fact both of them know and the one Xingqiu uses way too much to not let his true feelings show. “Do you want me to walk you home?”
The chivalrous Xingqiu in his heart rejoices, but the realistic one rejects him. “Do not fret, my dear friend! I’m a Vision holder, right? I can take care of myself”.
He doesn’t like the way Chongyun is looking at him. He must look constipated, somehow. Sick, even.
“But I want to”, he insists.
He doesn’t have the willpower to reject him twice. He doesn’t desire to, either. He just doesn’t want to delude himself further and create a fantasy in which his friend loves him. He doesn’t… want to have his heart broken.
Chongyun clasps their hands together and takes the lead to Xingqiu’s home.
He decides to leave it be just this once. Decides to indulge himself tonight, and just forget about it tomorrow.
And Chongyun is so pretty. Even prettier than their city at night, the sky, or the sea that fascinates him. No fancy words can describe vividly enough how he feels about him. How a mere smile can make his whole day, and how their attached hands are enough to keep his heart aflame. It’s wild how intense this love is.
It’s that intensity that leaves him perplexed at times. Lost. Lonely.
“We are almost there”, voices Chongyun. He is right, they are practically at the entrance of the Guild. How long was he engrossed in his mind? “Is everything okay? You haven’t said a word in the whole way here…”
It’s the second time his friend worriedly asks him about his condition tonight. He’s… not good at hiding it, is he?
“I can leave here—”
“Don’t!” An outburst. How eloquent. His friend looks surprised, but in no way angry. “You can… spend the night here?” His other hand had involuntarily gone to his friend’s arm, in an attempt to stop him from leaving.
But Chongyun, by no means, has moved.
“I can sneak into your room?” a playful smile and Xingqiu is sold. But he is also tired, and climbing the walls— (maybe funny, mischievous, especially when he’s pranking his Ge) is not on the list of things he wants to do right now.
“No need to sneak in, dearest”, he caresses his friend’s forearm and lets it go, for his sanity. Tugs at his hand reassuringly. “We can just go by the front door”.
“Okay”.
They make their way to the entrance holding hands, and Xingqiu isn’t really aware that this is the first time they do so at home. It feels natural, somehow. Chongyun has been here so many times that it is familiar.
It is just right.
They pass by some of the maids of the Guild, but Xingqiu doesn’t really look at them (they salute them, say something along the lines of Young Master, you are home! Chongyun bows at them politely). He just wants to get to his room as soon as possible.
“Why are we running?” breathes Chongyun, but he can hear a tiny bit of a giggle. Suddenly, his legs feel like slime condensate. “Xingqiu!”
They are in his room. The moon is shining brightly through his curtains. The space, galaxies, and stars shine gently upon Chongyun’s face, making him glow.
They are still clinging onto each other’s hands, but to Xingqiu, it feels like he is embracing him.
“I just want to spend time with you”, ignores the way he thinks the atmosphere has shifted a little. Misses the way the tips of Chongyun’s ears redden.
He can be selfish just this once.
-
They are fighting this time.
Undoubtedly so, a couple of hillichurls and a mitachurl appear at the entrance of Liyue. How unusual, he thinks, but doesn’t linger in the thought for too long. Both Chongyun and Xiangling had summoned their weapons already, so he does the same in a heartbeat.
Fighting alongside his friends feels like breathing: they all know the movements and techniques of each other for as long as they have had their Visions. Xiangling wields her spear intensely; Chongyun slices the monsters easily with his claymore; he elegantly attacks them with his sword. The beasts turn into ashes in seconds: adrenaline still running in his veins when it’s over.
“For Rex Lapis, thank you three so much!” screams one of the Millelith at the other side of the bridge. “I don’t know where these monsters came from!”
“Nothing ever happens here,” says another guard, closer to them. “We were really surprised when they appeared. Thank you! I will only pray that the Adepti bless your kind souls”.
“Do not fret! It is just our chivalrous duty as citizens of Liyue”, he speaks, bowing slightly at the guards. “I’m sure the Adepti will protect you from any harm”.
“Thank you, Young Master!” one of them says, and Xingqiu isn’t really surprised that they recognize him. He is, unfortunately at times, very known within the city.
They aren’t that far from the guards when Chongyun speaks. “That was easy. The training has really helped us”.
“It was easy as pie!” exclaims Xiangling, Guoba bouncing by her side. Her smile gets contagious, since he can feel how his lips go upwards. “The way you both wielded your swords! That was awesome! Let me ask Miss Keqing for a kamera next time!”
“No need to record it”, dismisses Chongyun, hiding his face with his hand. He can tell his friend is embarrassing him. “Besides, we need you if there is another fight. You were good, Xiangling. Guoba, too”.
The girl spreads her arms abruptly, and he gets a rough idea of what is going to happen.
Xingqiu suddenly gets pushed into Xiangling’s embrace, who is also holding Chongyun by her other side. “Ah! We were really good! I’m proud of ourselves!” she shouts, ignoring how some people have turned their backs to look at them. “This justifies a meal at Wanmin!”
“Of course, you would say that”, he mumbles, but Xiangling doesn’t seem to hear him.
“What do you guys want? I can make some rice buns! Or an Adeptus’ temptation! Oh! What about a Jueyun chili chicken?! Without spice for you, Chongyun! Maybe add more slime condensate—”
“I’m going to get sick if you ever put some slime on it, Xiangling”.
“Xingqiu! You have no taste! Who the hell likes bland recipes? I’m not asking for your opinion!” Then, she releases him, still latching onto Chongyun.
Ah, she still remembers his comment about his favorite dishes. Oh, Archons.
Chongyun giggles. The sound itself is so heavenly that Xingqiu wishes he could hear it more. It’s so lively that it makes his stomach churn, butterflies surfacing and trying to eat him whole. It’s his favorite song already. He is ready to banter with Xiangling as long as it makes his friend happy.
“No way! Why are you keeping Chongyun?” he’s by Chongyun’s side in an instant, but instead of locking him in a hug like Xiangling, he instinctively goes for his hand. “There’s plenty of Chongyun for the two of us!”
“You two are ridiculous”.
He wishes they would be happy like this forever.
-
They are fighting, again.
This time there is no Xiangling, no Guoba, no kamera to record it. And Xingqiu is partly glad that there is no evidence of it.
They were exploring the North of Mt. Aozang, after they spent some days at Qingce Village— Chongyun visiting his family, Xingqiu checking the Guild’s book warehouse. He does pick up the sequel of his beloved novel, hungry to know more about the whereabouts of Linling’s love story. Somehow, it feels close to his heart.
“You two are such a lovely couple”, Chongyun’s grandmother has said, which almost made him choke on his own saliva. Chongyun has said nothing, but the shade of pink on his cheeks was too evident for him to overlook it.
He doesn’t have the strength to hold onto that hope.
Some kids from the village tell them about some supposed spirits roaming the North of Mt. Aozang and Chongyun— always diligent and persistent, asks him to come. And him, being the lovesick fool (also known as the best friend) that he is, decides to help him.
But they didn’t know there were so many treasure holders in the area.
There are so many of them— Xingqiu would need more hands to count them down. He feels fear, an emotion kind of foreign to him. Feels like he’s losing control of the situation. He needs a plan, but his brain can’t compute accordingly when there’s a knife about to slice his throat.
He doesn’t know where Chongyun is, nor can he hear him. They separate them, which evidently lowers their chances of coming out here alive.
Alive. Alive. I need to come out here alive.
“Look at his fancy clothes”, says one of them. He wants to throw up when he sees how they are looking at him. The way they stop too long on his legs is making him sick. “Take the jacket off”.
His silky coat is far away from him in an instant, blood with it, and Xingqiu just then realizes he’s bleeding from one of his arms. He briefly thinks about his mother, and how mortified she would be if she knows that his expensive clothing is gone.
Rapidly, one of the men ties him up, so strongly it hurts.
“Pretty legs, uh?” the one treasure holder that asked for his jacket is back at it again. He wants to fight, but he can’t. He feels useless, undeserving of a Vision. “Too pretty”, the man says, and without a warning, slashes his knife on Xingqiu’s left knee.
He lets out an ugly scream, and the man smacks him.
He can taste dirt and mud in his mouth. His body hurts from the impact, and he closes his eyes, afraid of what he will encounter. The metallic scent of blood is clouding his senses, making his head spin. He wonders if the stars he is seeing in his head are real, if this is the end that his Father warned him about so many times before commencing an adventure.
“Why do you meditate so much, Yun?” he asked him once, in one of the many times they had met outside of Liyue. The plain green was the perfect place for Chongyun to train his body and mind.
The other boy merely raises an eyebrow, without actually opening his eyes. “To stay calm, even in the darkest of times. If you manage to do that, there is a possibility that you will always come out alive”. He pauses, taking a deep breath. Still doesn’t open his eyes. “Or at least, that’s what Adeptus Xiao told me”.
Xingqiu remembers writing that down in his diary that very same day: messy handwriting and dry ink the only remains of it in his memory.
What would Master Guhua think in this situation…? He grits his teeth when the man near him kicks him in the gut. Pain clouds his judgment once more, and he imagines himself coughing blood.
“You can heal yourself?” younger Chongyun had said in awe, younger Xiangling following him around too. “That’s pretty awesome, Xingqiu. I hear that only Qiqi can do that”.
“I’m not good like Qiqi”, he had responded, but he liked the compliment anyway. “I discovered that if I maintain my rain cutters long enough, they actually cure some of my injuries. Splendid, don’t you think?”
Oh.
When he realizes the man is no longer paying attention to him— instead, he’s bluffing about kidnapping them both to some of his subordinates—, he summons one tiny rain cutter. It’s almost unrecognizable, nothing like the ones he creates when he is full on stamina. It disappears in seconds, but manages to stop some of the pain in his body.
He tries again.
“Chief”, one of the youngest treasure holders calls, tone urgent. “We haven’t been able to take down the other boy. He’s stronger than we thought”.
Xingqiu’s eyes flutter open. Chongyun is still there fighting. I need to go.
All of the delinquents are gone in an instant. He heals himself as fast as he can, but the ropes— they are so tight on his wrists he can barely move.
He hears Chongyun scream, and that alone sets all of his leftover adrenaline in a second.
“Fuck”, he mumbles.
I can’t lose him.
He regains enough energy to summon his sword, and blindly, slashes it in between his hands.
It hurts, hurts so much because he evidently cut himself. And there is blood, and he is trembling, unsteady hands trying to take a hold of his sword. But then Chongyun is screaming again and he regains whatever sanity is still unscathed in his mind. Shakily, he unties his legs (avoids seeing the ugly wound on his knee), and lurches forward.
When he is out, Xingqiu sees Chongyun surrounded by five men. He swears there were many others when they first found them, so he’s left with two options: a) Chongyun knocked them out (the positive outcome) or b) some of them ran away to ask for backup (the worst, the one he’s fearing the most, and the one that most likely will lead them to their death).
He touches his vision as a reflex. Gathers his rain swords in a second.
Before everything falls apart. Before he sees angry eyes and weapons directed at him. Before the treasure holders take notice of his presence. He sees Chongyun, in all of his glory. He sees the boy he is in love with, sweaty and muddy, just like that training day back in Liyue when he preferred to engross himself in his novel. There’s almost no blood on him— clothes wrecked on the side, but the rest practically untouched.
The look of horror on Chongyun’s face when he sees him is so painful that he diverts it; decides to attack the two guys closer to him.
And then, he collapses.
-
When he wakes up, the first thing he sees is Chongyun.
“Oh Archons, Xingqiu!” he exclaims, taking his face in his hands. His hands are so cold. He’s shaking, white eyelashes getting wet with tears. Oh no. “I’m sorry. It was my fault that this happened to you. I’m so sorry”.
He sniffles, and Xingqiu believes he knows him well enough to understand where his train of thought is going. He’s probably feeling guilty. “Chongyun”, he calls.
He takes the hand that is resting on his right cheek and takes a look at their surroundings.
They are in a cave. He can tell there’s still daylight, so he must have been knocked out for about two or three hours. “Chongyun”, he calls again, but his friend is mumbling something under his breath that he can’t quite hear.
And then.
“I thought I lost you, when they separated us”, he tugs at his hand in response, and Chongyun continues. “I was so scared. And then I saw you, all covered in blood— Xingqiu, I thought you were about to die. I— I”, stumbles over his own words, but Xingqiu doesn’t mind. Chongyun is looking at him with such a frenzy that it doesn’t feel real. “I can’t live without you”.
“I can’t live without you, either”, he responds. He’s known that fact for years now, but voicing it— and actually telling it to Chongyun is a whole different story.
But instead of feeling embarrassed by the admission, Xingqiu feels calm. Feels that whatever this love is— be it platonic, is requited. He feels it in the way Chongyun doesn’t take his hands away from his face. In the way his eyes look for his, gaze so intense that threatens to make his whole body weak, his mind loss of words.
Chongyun is the first to move.
He gets closer and oh— Xingqiu has missed this. The smell of qingxin flowers. His soft hair. His stronger figure. And the warmth that spreads around his body once Chongyun envelops him in his arms.
He feels safe.
Chongyun is trembling, and he is sure that if he weren’t lying on the ground he would be shaking, too. He can barely register the hands that are touching his back, long fingers caressing him up and down. He feels small, struck by the realization that Chongyun is much bigger than him. Not only his body, but his whole heart. So big in it tremendous love for his friends.
Love for him.
He doesn’t want to think about it. Not when Chongyun is mouthing something against his hair. I’m so sorry, he keeps hearing, over and over again. And Xingqiu wants to tell him that it is alright, he’s fine, that he’s the second son of the Feiyun Commerce Guild and a Guhua martial artist, wants to joke about his silly titles and make Chongyun laugh with his pretenses.
But he catches himself feeling weak, eyelids heavy, his sense of alert going fuzzy with the seconds.
“I’m sorry”, mutters Chongyun for the infinitieth time, remorse filling up his words and veins and the air surrounding them. “I’m sorry they hurt you”.
Xingqiu wishes he could answer. Instead, tries to keep Chongyun closer, and drifts himself to sleep.
-
When he wakes up, it’s daytime again.
Chongyun is, for the second time, the first thing he sees. This time, however, they are in the commodity of his room, on his bed, Chongyun sleeping beside him. He’s sitting on a small chair on the left side of the bed, a position so uncomfortable that Xingqiu gets the urge to wake him up so he doesn’t get an ugly back pain later.
And he is holding his hand.
Xingqiu’s bandaged left hand.
But his hand, nonetheless.
He can barely feel anything because of the fabric, but at least he can see it. Chongyun must have been holding it since before he fell asleep, judging by the way their fingers are intertwined. Xingqiu fights the blush he knows is coming, even though no one else is watching.
“Chongyun”, he whispers, voice hoarse. He grips his hand a little stronger; ignores the way he feels a little bit of pain. “Hey”.
It doesn’t take long for his friend to wake up.
He looks pale. Paler than normal without his permanent rosy cheeks. His eyebags are bigger, and he wonders— has he been sleeping? Not beside him in a crunching position, but in an actual bed? His fingers curl with more strength without realizing it; worry the only thing clouding up his senses.
“Are you okay?”, he asks, voice more steady this time. Chongyun smiles.
“Xingqiu”, he calls, and he can hear the relief that comes with his name. Chongyun is staring at him with his eyes half-open, but the intensity that comes with them is making him burn inside. “You are alive”.
Silly Chongyun.
“Of course I am”, he says, doesn’t ruin the moment with one of the ludicrous nicknames he has for his friend. “We are both very much alive”, he mutters, and gathers the courage to touch Chongyun’s left cheek. It feels less round than before; probably because he must have lost some weight over the past few days.
“I’m glad”, Chongyun keeps talking in murmurs, then looks at their joined hands. “Does it hurt? I’m sorry…”
Xingqiu panics when his friend tries to let go of his hold. “It’s fine! I don’t feel pain at all!” Lies. He feels a little discomfort, but it’s nothing if it means that Chongyun is going to let him go. “Besides. I like it”, feels the need to clarify when Chongyun looks confused. “I like holding your hand”.
Sure, they have said more important things to each other— like the fact they can’t live without the other— but this one feels like a confession of sorts. And Xingqiu, being the hopeless romantic that he is, desperately wants Chongyun to understand it.
His other hand is still cupping Chongyun’s cheek. He can feel him smile when he does. “I like holding your hand, too”.
Xingqiu gulps, hope rising. He has never seen Chongyun holding hands with anyone else—not even Xiangling. That must count for something, right? “I like you a lot, Xingqiu. You are my best friend”.
Whatever fantasy Xingqiu finds himself in, is broken with Chongyun’s last sentence. To pieces. Shattered, he swallows his saliva, trying not to cry all of sudden. What is wrong with me? Something in Chongyun’s eyes changes too, pupils going smaller.
“I— I like you too, dearest”, he says back, trying to ease himself. He doesn’t feel like caressing his friend’s cheek anymore, so he stops, but lets his hand wander to the ones that are still holding each other. As friends. “Have you eaten? Slept? You don’t look too good”. He questions again, not forgetting that Chongyun entirely avoided him earlier.
“I have. Xu has been taking care of me while you were out. It’s been four days”.
“Four days?!” No wonder his mouth feels this dry, and his body this sore. “And you have been taking care of me too…”
“Xu demanded me to eat and sleep before letting me in here”, Chongyun starts, not really looking him in the eye. The signature pink on his cheeks is back in an instant. “So I did. It was my fault that you ended up like this, so it was only fair that I must be the one tending your wounds”.
It’s hard to feel sad about his unrequited love when Chongyun cares this deeply for him. It’s hard not letting himself get lost in this dream.
It’s hard, but he must go on.
“Thank you, Chongyun”.
-
Xingqiu can tell that something has shifted between them after that incident.
It’s subtle, really, but as Chongyun’s self-declared best friend, he’s the most adequate to catch his change in demeanor.
Or so he thinks.
He notices in the way he would get slightly touchier. In the way Chongyun would orbit closer to him when they are with friends; in the way he would sit closer to him when they are eating. Not across him, but beside him. Xingqiu can feel his entire arm being wrapped in his warmth when he does.
When they are alone, it’s even more notorious.
Xingqiu almost squeaks when Chongyun hugs him from behind. He’s reading— Linling is desperately wanting to tell her beloved that she loves her, and Xingqiu is so entranced that he completely misses his friend’s footsteps. So when Chongyun’s chin rests on his shoulder, he is about to drop the book.
“Ah! I’m sorry, didn’t want to scare you”, he says, and Xingqiu hurriedly tells him to stop apologizing. He’s almost shaking. “Are you still reading that book?”
He notices? He’s never sure if Chongyun ever pays attention when he talks about his books. Most of the time, he never comments on it and just lets him speak. “You remember?” he asks, flabbergasted. Thanks the Archons that his voice comes out steady.
“Of course?” he says, amused. His two arms are encircling Xingqiu. “I remember everything you tell me. But I thought you finished this book long ago”.
Xingqiu sighs, content. “I did. A long time ago. I’m just rereading it because I adore it”. Which is one hundred percent the truth. He adores it, because it feels like them. He can’t help but compare Linling’s feelings to his, in a poor attempt to understand them. “What can I say, I’m a hopeless romantic”.
Chongyun laughs, the sound reverberating through his body from being this close. “Yeah, I know”, he knows? What is that supposed to mean? He’s too scared to ask. “Will you ever let me read it for you?”
Xingqiu tenses, face getting scarlet. He doesn’t want Chongyun to see him like this, so he hides his face with his bangs. Not like his friend is seeing him anyway. “W— Why would you do that?”, he has closed the book with his hands trying to compose himself, scars on his wrists vividly visible.
Chongyun looks casually at his hands, then furrows an eyebrow. “Because I want to”. He ends, resolute.
Xingqiu feels like he could cry. He has everything he has ever wanted: the boy of his dreams enveloping him in his arms and offering to read his favorite book to him. Is Chongyun even aware of what he’s offering? Is he even aware of the effect he has on him? He feels his heart racing, and prays to Rex Lapis that his friend doesn’t notice the galloping on his chest.
If he does, he never comments on it.
“O-Okay”, take a deep breath, calm down, he says to himself. “Right now?” He feels incredibly dumb.
“Yeah? If you want…”
“I want to!” Xingqiu decides that since Chongyun is offering, he isn’t going to deny him. It wasn’t even his idea this time. Feeling brave, he twists to face his friend, but nothing would have prepared him to see him up this close.
He’s still wrapped in his embrace and somehow, Chongyun doesn’t let go of it immediately. Their faces are merely centimeters apart, and Xingqiu comes to the realization that this is the closest he has ever seen him. He can tell every white eyelash of his, those rare freckles scattered on his cheeks, and the sole dimple hidden on his left cheek.
He looks even more beautiful.
He doesn’t miss the way Chongyun’s cheeks turn red instantly. He can feel himself getting warmer, too. The whole air of the room, once tranquil and serene, has turned tense and heavy.
Xingqiu feels like he can’t breathe. His eyes go to Chongyun’s mouth and then to his eyes, fearful that his friend would have caught his movements. Chongyun’s pupils are dilated, his breathing erratic.
“Ah! My yang energy”, sputters Chongyun, finally walking away from him. Xingqiu hears the numb sound of his book hitting the ground. He doesn’t really care for it at the moment, gaze locked on his friend. “Sorry about that”, he adds, taking a popsicle from his pocket and licking on it rapidly, as if his life was on the line.
In a sense, he is right.
Xingqiu still feels immensely affected, which is ridiculous. They were just hugging. Physical contact is a constant between the two, but somehow, this whole thing feels a little more intimate than usual.
Was he too engrossed in his fantasies?
Even after all this time, Chongyun is a book he has always had trouble reading.
And then.
“I can read to you another time?” he offers, still insisting on reading that damn book. His popsicle is already halfway gone, the natural pink color of Chongyun’s returning to his face.
“Since you are so adamant about it, who am I to decline your wishes, dear Chongyun?” he jokes. Feels the alleviation of his chest pain almost in the same instant. Decides to swallow whatever feeling he has for his friend. Ignores the way it feels harder to gulp his saliva.
“I was thinking”, Chongyun starts again, still distant from him physically, but looking at his eyes with intensity. “We should go to our spot on the beach tomorrow night?”
It is a question. An invitation. A proposition ready to open Xingqiu’s heart and destroy it.
And him, being the epitome of self-flagellation, takes it with no second thoughts.
“Yes, Chongyun”.
-
II
“...and then, they are kissing: the faint touch of lips on hers making her feel alive. She closes her eyes in an instant because that’s what her parents do every time they kiss. A second later, her lover pulls apart, eyes big and round, and Linling wants to ask her what’s wrong.
She speaks before Linling can even form a coherent sentence in her head. “I apologize. I should’ve asked you first”.
“Ah...” she stutters, still dizzy from the kiss. She doesn’t think she can go to bed knowing how it feels to kiss the girl in front of her; so dazzling and perfect. Is this, perhaps, her lucky day? “Don’t look so preoccupied. It was... to my liking”.
She mentally slaps herself for her lack of vocabulary. She wants to scream that she loved it and that she would love to try it again. But she can’t, not when they are hiding behind a store in the center of Liyue.
“I would love to see you tonight at the place where the lanterns are seen", she hushes, poetically so; echoing their secret language— for only them to hear.
“Chongyun?” he whispers, face red with the embarrassment of letting his friend know what type of literature he often reads. It isn’t helping that he is reading about the two main leads kissing for the first time. When he faces him, the scarlet blush he has seen before is back, very intense on his whole face.
Chongyun has closed his eyes.
“Do you need a popsicle?” asks Xingqiu, looking for any sign of discomfort on his best friend’s face. He can tell he is trying to regulate his breathing, by the way he is taking a puff of air. He stills, waits for his friend to say anything.
“I am okay”, says Chongyun, opening his eyes slowly. He is still gripping fiercely at his book, white knuckles very much visible. Xingqiu isn’t really sure what triggered his yang energy this time. Was the story that uncomfortable to Chongyun that he just couldn’t take it?
“I’m sorry”, apologizes, without knowing what else to say. The sand is slipping through his toes and fingers, the warmth of them getting to his whole body. They are on their favorite spot on the beach; and even though there is no Lantern Rite and no Adepti about to bless them, it feels magical nonetheless.
Or is it magical to him just because Chongyun is beside him?
Or is it magical to him because he is with Chongyun, who insisted on reading his favorite book to him?
Maybe. Perhaps. Totally.
“Why are you apologizing? It’s my fault that I can’t even read to you without getting flustered”.
Does Chongyun realize that he is pouting? With that adorable face of his?
“And why are you getting flustered anyway, my dear?” he teases, not letting this opportunity go. Chongyun’s face is still very red, eyes widening briefly; probably realizing his openness. “Does reading about kissing make you feel… odd?” he adds. For him, reading about kissing makes him feel funny, warm, and squirmy, but he isn’t going to tell his friend about any of that.
Chongyun gets even redder if that was possible. His breathing has stabilized, now tranquil, but the way his eyes avoid Xingqiu tells him he is still very much embarrassed. “It’s… weird”.
He pauses.
“But overall, this novel is really good. I see why you are always carrying it around”.
“Oh? That’s good to hear, my dear”, he jokes, afraid of asking what in Teyvat he is even seeing. Instead, he questions. “Would you tell me what do you like about it?”
Chongyun gulps, and Xingqiu isn’t sure why, but his friend looks sick, constipated even, like he is about to throw up. His book lies forgotten by Chongyun’s side, but Xingqiu doesn’t care.
“It reminds me of us”.
No words come out of his mouth. How is he supposed to answer this? Yes, Chongyun, they also remind me of us. You know, two childhood friends in love with each other while entering adulthood and confessing to one another. Kissing, also.
He wishes.
Chongyun is looking at him now, face losing color (funny, he was red as a Jueyun chili just seconds ago), that is worrying. Xingqiu feels like he swallows his whole heart when he gulps; a futile effort when his heart is about to escape from his chest. He feels nervous, all of sudden, something that doesn’t align with the Xingqiu persona he has created for himself.
Chongyun, apparently the braver between the two of them, takes his hand. It’s been a while since he has held them, and Xingqiu slightly grasps how much he has missed it. Chongyun’s fingers trace over the mark on his left wrist, face now pale, but persistent in whatever reverie he has put himself into. From this position, his friend is very much close to the nasty and deep scar on his knee. Horrid in all its glory, but tender to the touch when Chongyun grazes it.
Xingqiu shivers— not because it hurts. Because it feels… nice.
When Chongyun looks at him again, he can see the guilt in his eyes. Fear, also.
“I think these look marvelous! My Guhua master would be proud to see these. You know, like battle scars”. Winks at him, teasing. Lower his voice when Chongyun keeps staring at him. “I’m also really grateful. You saved my life”.
“I was so scared”, he says, gripping his hand a little harder. “I was so scared to lose you”.
“I— I know, Chongyun”, whispers, because Xingqiu isn’t sure if he can speak louder anymore. Chongyun is just spitting daggers to him one after the other, and he is about to offer him his entire heart. Delusions, delusions.
Chongyun takes a breath.
And then.
“I like you. I like you a lot”.
Xingqiu lets out a little giggle, placating the way his stomach burns. “I know, silly. We are best friends, after all”.
But Chongyun looks him in the eye, feline eyes boring into his. They must look cold to outsiders, daring even. To Xingqiu, they have always looked gentle and thoughtful, his gaze so intense that it has been always hard for him to look away.
“Xingqiu…” No, this can’t be happening. Is this a dream? “I like you. Not platonically”.
He must be joking. But also Xingqiu knows that Chongyun never jokes.
The galloping in his ribcage restarts, more intense than ever. He feels himself getting dizzy. Still nervous, he tries to let go of Chongyun’s hold— he feels how his hand got all sweaty suddenly.
“Ah… It’s okay if you don’t— I mean— we don’t have to change”.
“No!” he yells, more forceful than he originally intended. He’s trembling and so is Chongyun, whose shaky hands are monopolizing his. His brain is working so fast that he can’t talk properly. He likes me, he likes me, he likes me…
And then comes the question: why?
“Why would you like me?”
Chongyun answers him immediately. “What is there not likable about you? You are the smartest person I know, you are funny, witty, brave, you are incredibly good with the sword”. Pauses, then says with a smaller voice: “And you are pretty”.
It’s Xingqiu’s turn to get scarlet. Chongyun, the most beautiful boy in Teyvat (not like he’s biased or anything) has just called him pretty.
Gaining confidence, still assimilating around his head that his friend actually likes him, Xingqiu lurches forward at Chongyun and engulfs him in a hug. He uses too much force, and Chongyun loses his balance, and the two of them fall on the sand. It isn’t that abrupt, but somehow still manages to take all of his breath away.
His head lands on Chongyun’s chest as a reflex, and when he looks up to his friend, he is smiling. He feels his lips doing the same.
“I like you too, Chongyun. A lot”. He confesses, his smile so big and the blood on his veins circulating through his body so rapidly he could run a marathon. “Not platonically”.
Chongyun doesn’t say anything. Instead, let his fingers wander to his darker hair, caressing his head, his forehead, then his cheeks. This is the second time he has been this close to Chongyun— but now it is different, and they both can sense it.
He can see those rare freckles plastered on his face like this again. He wants to see them, every day of his life from now onwards.
He doesn’t miss the way Chongyun’s eyes flick down to his mouth for an instant. He wets his lips in anticipation. He knows, he has read this scene in so many books before. This is the part where the protagonist kisses their love interest passionately, taking their breath away.
But that’s not the most chivalrous thing to do, so he asks: “Can I kiss you?”
Chongyun blurts out a yes, but before Xingqiu can prepare himself and do it, Chongyun beats him to it.
Xingqiu is quite sure neither of them has kissed anyone before— it’s notorious when their lips touch and they don’t know what to do. Chongyun pulls apart after a second, and Xingqiu chases him, giving him a peck one more time. And then another, and then another. At some point, Xingqiu loses count of how many short kisses they’ve shared and decides to take a step further for the both of them.
The next time they kiss, Xingqiu doesn’t pull away, and tugs Chongyun closer with his hands. They go unconsciously to his hair, lets his fingers roam through it. Xingqiu opens his mouth a little and lingers more into the kiss, moving his lips instinctively. He has no idea what he is doing, but it feels good.
His mouth feels like it’s burning, hot, and he is about to lose it when Chongyun attempts to lick his bottom lip. It’s a strange sensation, but in nowhere sense bad. So he tries it himself, letting out a pleased hum when Chongyun cries out a tiny whine. He does it again, and again, and again, abusing Chongyun’s lip until Chongyun himself resolves to kiss him better.
And he does.
He’s experimenting, trying to learn everything about Chongyun’s lips when he kisses him hard and heavy. He’s left panting, rosy cheeks and pupils dilated. He knows he must look like the lovesick fool that he is.
“Chongyun”, he calls. Searches for him frantically, and Chongyun greets him with a sloppy kiss. Head fuzzy but determined, Xingqiu changes the course of his kisses, going for his cheeks, his forehead, his earlobe, his jaw, until Chongyun is giggling below him, all dopey and beautiful.
Catching his breath, Xingqiu rolls off of Chongyun and falls on the sand beside him.
Tired. Happy. Kissed by the love of his life.
The sun has gone down a little bit without them noticing. It doesn’t really matter. Some birds are posing a mere meters away from them, eyeing them carefully.
Chongyun’s hand goes for his own again. When they find each other and intertwine their fingers, Xingqiu feels content.
He couldn’t ask for anything else.