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“You know, if you were a girl, I’d definitely have a girlfriend now.”
Bad decision alert, Sidney’s brain screams as soon as his words leave his mouth. Dammit, that sounded so stupid! Ah man, he hopes he didn’t make this weird…
Kurt doesn’t react with anger or even laughter. Instead, he just blinks. And again.
“Sidney,” Kurt finally says. “You know you can just ask me out on a date, right?”
Yeah sure, that would be nice, but what would they do? Play chess? Go to Recette? They used to do that daily, back then.
Wait. Back up a line.
Sidney sputters when the words catch up to his brain, making a few unintelligible noises that cause the others to look over. Flushing, he waves away their concerns before putting his hands on his head.
There is far too much going on in that twelve word sentence for Sidney to comprehend. That’s it, poor Sidney’s brain stopped functioning due to a combination of embarrassment and overthinking, and his grave will read died of a bisexual crisis. He is not resting in peace, for he is still having a crisis in the great beyond.
Okay okay, point one. If Kurt were a girl, would he go out with him? His brain says yes at a freakishly fast speed, but then, Sidney’s last living brain cell tells him that this is a stupid point, this isn’t reality. Okay. Point two, Kurt’s a guy, would he still go out with him? Yes, Sidney’s brain answers just as fast, and Sidney has to resist the urge to slam his head into the table. In fact, dating Kurt would be a little too good.
Why would Kurt, who is a thousand arge out of his league, want to go out with a guy like him?
Kurt, who has just watched Sidney go through an internalized crisis with a blank look, finally breaks his silence. “Um, are you alright?”
No, and it’s kind of your fault. “Fine! Haha, I’m fine!” Sidney says too fast to sound natural. “In fact, I just remembered that Kairi asked me for help earlier.”
Kairi did not, in fact, ask him for help. Nor did Sidney know where he was, but he could solve that problem in ten seconds. Later from now. “Bye, Kurt!”
Crisis averted, Sidney thinks, before guilt overcomes him for a moment. That was a dumb reason to lie one of his closest friends. But then again, Sidney wouldn’t have known if he’d be able to continue the conversation after thinking about that.
Sidney rushes down the airship’s halls, desperately pushing his thoughts out of his head.
To Sidney’s relief, Kurt isn’t angry about being ditched at all, or the lie if he had bothered to check, and the status quo remains the same. Thankfully, this gives Sidney a little time to breathe, once he’s not freaking out about the world ending.
Time to breathe and think about the wrong things apparently, because instead of his grades, his mind wanders to his conversation with Kurt.
In the time since their first year has ended, Sidney has figured out that yes, he does, in fact, want to date guys too. Actually, it was less “figuring out” and more “admitting that he just wants to date them and be them.” It was simultaneously uneventful while being painful at the same time.
Painful, because he had begun to notice the way Stark brushed his bangs out of his attractive face. Painful, because his stomach flutters a little at Freddy’s boisterous but refreshing laugh. Painful, because he is still noticing all the ways that he still finds girls attractive (and being rejected.)
(Painful, because every time he lays his eyes on Ash’s back muscles, it only takes two seconds for Ash to spot him and laugh like clockwork. Really, really painful.)
But the worst of it was Kurt. Sidney would have liked to believe that understanding himself would make it easier to deal with his attraction, but no, it actually made it worse. Now he’s noticing the way Kurt’s posture eases ever so slightly when he notices that it’s just Sidney. Now he’s noticing the perfect features on Kurt’s face, beautiful while still retaining masculinity. Now he’s noticing the way that Kurt’s lithe body fought like he was dancing.
Okay. So he has a fat crush on Kurt. Big deal. He’s had crushes before.
But for all his talk about relationships, Sidney’s never had a crush this strong before, and he just doesn’t know what to do.
He doesn’t think Kurt would be angry or judge him for his feelings. He’s way too kind for that, which also makes Sidney fall even further.
The problem isn’t with Kurt or his feelings. No, it’s with himself. You see, Sidney has always been just Sidney. There wasn’t anything special to his name, no special talents, no perfect looks, no perfect grades, nothing.
How could he possibly be worthy of someone like Kurt, when he couldn’t even be proud of himself?
“What kind of a person Kurt likes?” Juna ponders aloud, thinking over Sidney’s question. “Well, I guess… someone diligent. But also with a strong sense of justice. And maybe they wield swords too. He really likes his swords.”
So the opposite of Sidney. It’s not the end of the world, Sidney (over)compensates in his head. That just means he’ll have to try a bit harder. Except “Sidney” and “hard-work” are practically antonyms.
“Oh Juna, I don’t think that’s everything.” Sidney hears from behind him, and he shivers instinctively. Musse appears behind him, as if she were some kind of omnipotent psychic. “Kurt might be the kind of boy that likes someone with confidence, but maybe he just wants someone like him. Someone unsure of his future. An ordinary boy to play chess with. Maybe even someone who is his opposite, someone to remind him of life outside of his duties <3.”
He needs to go. Now.
“Thanks, both of you,” Sidney says before quickly turning in the other direction. “Gotta go. Bye!”
“Good luck!” Musse cheers from behind him, which just makes him sprint faster.
“Cedric,” Altina answers immediately, and Sidney barely manages to rein back a snort. “He likes Cedric.”
“Wow, okay,” Sidney replies weakly. She shot him down hard and fast, beating down that silly dream before it could even fully form.
Altina doesn’t smirk, but if she did, that sly smile on her face indicates that she would be if she didn’t have all of her calm composure. “I am joking,” she says, completely straight laced. “Of course.”
“Yeah,” Sidney croaks back. He can’t keep up with Class VII. He can’t. “Of course.”
“Well, he does still like Cedric. Without everything that he left behind. That much is true. I still don’t really understand that much about human nature, but I think he just likes good people. As to what good entails, that I am uncertain of.”
That was a slightly better answer, but still pretty vague. As far as Sidney’s concerned, everyone on this campus, the whole town even, is a good person.
“You may not be Cedric, but he still likes you well enough. So you don’t need to worry.” Altina finishes, grabbing on to his arm as if to reassure him.
“And now, my pancakes.” Now Sidney realizes what’s happening. She’s holding on to him not to reassure him, but to secure her snack at Recette. Sidney sighs and takes out his wallet.
“So. Pretty boy, huh?” Ash says, snickering. “Gotta give ya credit, when you shoot, you shoot for the stars.”
“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up,” Sidney sighs, keeping his hand awkwardly behind his neck. “I know, I don’t have a chance, I just—”
Ash cuts him off. “Hey, don’t go putting words in my mouth. I’m just saying he’s up there for sure. And he needs someone good for him. That brat of a prince already did enough damage.”
“I’ll try—I mean I’ll be a good boyfriend to him, I promise.”
Ash raises a brow, but he smirks at the same time. “Boyfriend, huh? Wow, you’re moving fast. Surprised you didn’t just say husband.”
Aidios is not done with him yet. Grant Sidney mercy, maybe sometime this week.
“I’m not trying to give you the shovel talk. Vander doesn’t need me to protect his honor or whatever. He’s just the kind of guy who puts others before himself. So I don’t think he wants another prince, he just wants a guy that’s serious about him.”
“What’s wrong with you?” Maya asks one week during their weekly target practice.
“Maya. I’m hurt,” Sidney whines playfully. “You know there’s always something going on. I’m still alone and single.”
“I’m trying to be a good friend,” Maya deadpans before loading her rifle with stock ammunition. “Seriously, you not asking at least one girl from the campus out in a week is a sign of the coming of the end.”
Sidney groans. He guesses that after you successfully help save the world from actually ending, you get a lifetime of free passes at the world ending jokes.
“This either means you’ve decided to stop your desperate ways or, ” Maya pauses, firing two more shots. Bullseye. “you’re actually being serious this time.”
She always hits her mark. “Yeah,” he admits easily. “You got it. The truth is, I’ve been thinking about some stuff, er, relationship stuff. I’ve been thinking about making a change, but I’m worried about how it’ll go.” At her troubled look, he clarifies himself. “But I’ll deal with this on my own, don’t worry.”
He expects her to give him another witty remark. Instead she stares at him, almost like she’s proud, and smiles that small smile of hers.
“That’s surprisingly responsible of you.”
He’s grateful—very grateful to have Class VII’s approval and Maya’s friendship. He’s grateful for their encouragement, intentional or not, but he feels ungrateful to them at the same time. He’s stuck.
Because you see, Sidney doesn’t really know what there is to love about himself. He doesn’t think he would be a bad boyfriend, mind you. He would never blow off someone who cared about him or put in anything less. If he was afraid of commitment, he would’ve backed out of the whole “signing up for the third faction of the war” thing a long time ago.
No, his problem was that compared to Kurt, he wasn’t anything. Kurt was amazing, and Sidney was…Sidney. The other guys said he wasn’t bad at all, but lately, Sidney’s begun to feel as if they said those words out of pity. After all, he has nothing else; Maya outscores him with almost every rifle, and he’d performed the worst on the branch campus midterm while Kurt scored the highest. Not to mention that Kurt was, you know, a Vander.
Damn. His life would’ve been so much easier if he’d never had to think about this. If Kurt hadn’t said what he said back then.
It made him feel like he had a chance.
“—and you know, he’s way too calm about this! He just said it’s fine to ask him out, like that’s so easy!”
“Uh-huh,” his uncle agrees without stopping his half-finished table setting.
“His friends in the same class weren’t any better about it either! ‘He likes good people.’ I think everyone does.”
“Mhm.”
“And I just don’t know how to ask! I mean he probably gets a confession from some girl in Leeves at least once a day! And—”
“For the love of Aidios son, just ask him out.”
“What do you mean, just ask him out?! It’s not that simple!”
“Look, the worst thing he can say is no.”
“Do you know how many books I’ve read that have said that?”
Sidney’s uncle sighs so deeply it causes him to rub his temples. “I know what this is about. This isn’t about whether you think he’ll like you back or say yes. The reason you won’t stop beating around the bush and ask this boy out is because you don’t think you’re good enough for him.”
Sidney winces. “Ouch. What happened to all that kindness you showed me last August?”
“Last August was last August, and it’s my patience that has limits. I don’t like listening to you disparage yourself, Sidney. You don’t see your worth, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have any.”
Wow, this is getting way too uncomfortable for Sidney. He came to Milsante to avoid his issues, not confront them.
Sidney laughs nervously. “Yeah, I guess so. But I mean, I already told you, he’s—”
“—he’s a Vander, he’s the most handsome guy in the school, he has the best grades, I know, I know. I’ve heard all this because you tell me at least once every two weeks,” Sidney’s uncle finishes. “But you can’t compare a rockeater and a trout. They’ve lived different lives as different species, but they’re all fish in the end.”
“That’s a really bad analogy.”
His uncle scowls. “Quiet, Sidney. What I’m trying to say is that you’re just as important as this Vander kid is. He’d be lucky to have you too, you know. You can’t compare the worth of one guy to another when everyone has value.”
“I know,” Sidney replies. “I know, but it’s just. It’s hard, when you’re just one guy among so many others.”
Sidney’s uncle sighs again. “I wish you had more confidence, son. And love is hard. It always is. But he’s your friend, isn’t he? You talk about his good virtues all the time, so I’m sure he sees the value in you too. And I know you. You’re not so terrified of rejection that you’d let your life pass by you without taking the opportunities you know you want. You go to Thors, of all places. Think about it, Sidney.”
And Sidney does think about it. It’s appealing, the idea of remaining friends with Kurt forever. That doesn’t sound bad at all. But he knows that he’ll never be satisfied if he doesn’t at least try.
After all, why is he here?
“Thanks a lot. That helped me get my head in order.”
“Yeah, yeah, you’re welcome. Just go ask this kid out already so I don’t have to listen to this nonsense next week. And finish setting the rest of the tables while you’re here.”
The words tumble out his mouth before he even processes them in his head.
“Go out with me. Please.”
If there were ever a time to say Nailed it! this would absolutely not be the time. First of all, they’re in the middle of a freaking chess match. Great mood setter. And is Kurt supposed to just put their blitz match on hold to think of a response?
How did this happen to Sidney? Well, he’s been thinking about this all week, and Kurt just had to sit in the chair next to the window where the sunset’s colors made Kurt all the more enchanting. Sidney’s sappy and not very savvy, he knows.
This, however, does not seem to throw Kurt off at all. He moves his black knight to c6. “That would be wonderful. Also, your move.”
He’s screaming. Is he verbalizing it aloud? No difference anyway, because his mind is rapidly losing all coherency. “Dude. What?”
“What?” Kurt parrots back. “Oh. Did you…not mean to ask me?”
“No!” Sidney squeaks, startling Kurt by abruptly shooting up from his chair. “No, I mean, yes, I meant to ask you! You’re really awesome and amazing and I love hanging out with you, but it’s just… are you always this smooth about everything?!”
Kurt actually chuckles nervously at that. “No, definitely not. It’s just that, well, you’ve been asking around about the people I like, so… I thought this might have been coming.”
Shit. Well, he didn’t exactly ask anyone to keep it a secret. Sidney’s an open book, it’s not like he has much to hide. Except maybe this.
“If it helps, I did think about this beforehand, and I do really like the idea of being your boyfriend. That sounds nice.”
Boyfriend. Kurt is his boyfriend. Out of all the people in the branch campus, Sidney now knows for sure that he’s the luckiest one there. He almost can’t believe it. “Really?”
“Really,” Kurt answers, and oh, now Sidney can see the pink flush on his cheeks. Sidney’s sure his are pink too, and wow, he’s smiling so wide that it hurts. “You’re one of my best friends, and maybe a little more. You’re the entire reason I’m here in this chess club now, so it would make me really happy to go out with you too.”
Sidney can feel his cheeks flaming at this point. He’s not used to this level of affection and appreciation, made a thousand times better by the words coming from Kurt of all people. He’s used to Kurt’s gentle reprimands, or his intelligent criticisms. So to be praised? That’s a whole new kind of joy.
“You have twenty seconds left to make your move, by the way.”
“Oh, Aidios—”