Work Text:
Sirius knew that something was bothering Remus. He’d come home from work a few weeks ago quiet and solemn. When Sirius had asked them about their day, his answers were short, and he said that nothing had gone wrong. Sirius put it off as just a bad day but then that sadness began to bleed into the next day, and the day after that, and into the next week. Remus usually loved the holidays and instead Sirius had to drag her into putting up decorations and was the one initiating playing the same Christmas albums on loop and it just made everything about the holidays seem dimmer. He hoped Remus would tell him. He didn’t want to have to push. He hoped that all he needed was time.
They were about halfway through Christmas cookie decorating when the phone rang and Sirius got up to answer it.
“Hello?” Sirius said. “Oh! Hi Lily, yep we’ll still be over for dinner tonight… Yep, Remus is here. Did you want to talk to them? Might take a minute he has icing all over their hands… Okay, well I’ll tell her you said hi. See you tonight.”
Sirius hung up the phone and turned around to find Remus staring at him. When he realized he’d been caught, Remus looked down at the cookie they’d been decorating. It was still her first, Sirius had already gotten through five and that was while moving at a snail’s pace so Remus wouldn’t feel bad.
“You don’t have to do that,” Remus said his voice barely a whisper.
“Do what?”
“My pronouns. If… if it’s too hard I understand.”
Sirius paused thinking back to the phone call. Remus had been using any pronouns for three years now and starting using the label genderqueer about two years ago, switching pronouns for them was second nature now. He probably wouldn’t have noticed he had been doing it if Remus hadn’t pointed it out.
“Did something happen love?” Sirius asked, keeping his voice low and gentle. He knew Remus often felt like they weren’t allowed to be upset by things. He knew Remus asking him not to use their proper pronouns was about something else but he had to wait for her to tell him what exactly.
“You know we all do performance reviews at my work before the holidays, right?”
“Right.”
“Um, and then… and then our boss sits down with us and reads through all the feedback.”
“Okay. “He was careful not to start trying to guess what was wrong he knew he just needed to give Remus the time to get there.
“And the feedback was really good. Everyone says I’m doing great in my new role. The only constructive criticism I got was to be more confident in my decisions and not always feel like I need the team input which I totally understand. I know I can be a people pleaser.”
“You’re very empathetic love. I imagine it’s both a gift and a curse.”
“Right,” Remus looked down at their cookie again and started separating the sprinkles on their plate by colour. “I’m sure they didn’t mean to do it.”
Sirius walked around to Remus’ side of the table and took the seat next to them. He placed his hand over Remus’ carefully. “You can tell me what happened love.”
Remus paused for a moment as if weighing the decision in her mind before finally speaking, “Everyone only used he/him pronouns for me and I know they know my pronouns because I always introduce myself with them and it’s on my nametag and I know they’re really different so people don’t always understand –“
“Remus,” Sirius said cutting her off gently. “You don’t have to justify your feelings. Just tell me how you feel.”
“It sucks,” Remus said. The tears that had been building for weeks were now springing to their eyes and he hated it. He hated feeling like this. “We all get inclusivity training and there’s a whole section in there on inclusive language and it’s not like he/him pronouns are inherently wrong but it just feels like their ignoring this whole part of my identity. As soon as I picked up on it I just kinda blanked out on the rest of the feedback. People think that just because I use multiple pronouns it’s okay to just pick one and stick to it. It makes me feel like they don’t see me and I really like my coworkers… I really thought they’d be different.”
He couldn’t hold back the onslaught of tears anymore and Sirius tugged him to his chest as they took over. Big racking sobs that shook their body and Sirius struggled to fight off his own anger. Remus was so kind and gentle and caring, and Sirius hated it. He hated that people could make them feel like this. That it took nothing for them to take the two seconds out of their day to ensure they were using her pronouns right, but they couldn’t be bothered. They couldn’t understand the difference that simple kindness could make.
“I hate that it hurts this much,” Remus choked out between tears. “I hate that they make me feel like this is too hard for them.”
“Remus, love, if it’s too hard for anyone it’s you. It’s too hard on you to constantly get misgendered day in and day out. It’s not fair that people look at you and make assumptions without even asking. It’s not fair that people think they can ignore their education and in doing so ignore part of your identity. Not causing someone pain, making an active decision to make them more comfortable should be the easiest decision in the world.”
Remus held on tighter and tried to ignore the part of them that hated being like this. That hated having to constantly ask to be seen, that had to decide on a daily basis whether the discomfort of be misgendered was worse than the possible fall out of speaking up, that part of him that never felt trans enough, that worried that she was making it all up.
Sirius had known Remus long enough to know exactly what he was thinking. “The fact that it hurts like this, the fact that you feel this way means this is real. You’re genderqueer and that’s so beautiful, and no one, absolutely no one can take that away from you. You’re enough, Remus. You always have been and will always be enough.”