Chapter Text
Isabela wished she could’ve said no.
She wishes she doesn’t have to be perfect.
She wishes she told them about Ximena as soon as the relationship started.
She can’t do any of that now.
Abuela’s happy at least, the miracle could continue burning.
She said yes to Mariano’s proposal and this was the night of their wedding day.
Everyone was so excited for them.
They kept saying what a perfect couple they were and how happy they were for them.
The whole day she was on the verge of tears.
She didn’t want this.
She wanted things to stay the way they were.
She wasn’t happy but it was easier to pretend she was.
She had to put up the act of the perfect, golden child but at least she was able to shed it from time to time.
At least Ximena would be with her now. Wearing that stupid smirk of hers and her blue eyes shining in a way that was too beautiful to be real, much like the rest of her.
She’d be able to make her feel better.
But that’s not possible anymore.
She’s married and Ximena hasn’t come to see her in months.
She tried to stop thinking about that. She tried to clear her mind and focus getting this day over with but she knew this was going to be a long night. Since Mariano is part of the family, he’s going to start staying in Casita and Abuela wanted something from the two of them. Something that made her feel sick.
'This is going to be fine’ She told herself as she started scratching the skin around her nails.
It hurt more than it usually did. Her nails and skin were already chewed to a point where just putting pressure on them was enough to make them bleed.
'Think about the family, Think about the miracle. You’re doing this to keep the miracle alive.’
She heard him approach the door.
'This is fine,' her heartbeat quickened as well as her scratching.
The footsteps were louder.
‘You’re doing this for the family ’
Closer.
‘Make the family happy’
Her skin was peeling again.
'Make Abuela happy’
He was right outside and before she knew what she was doing she sat with her back against the door.
“Isa, can I come in?” Mariano knocked on her door.
She didn’t respond. She felt tears forming in her eyes.
“Isa?” he knocked again.
Did Ximena at least try to come over tonight? Hasn't it been long enough? Or was she trying to avoid her?
Please don't let that be the case.
“Isabela, can I please come in.”
Before she knew it she was crying. She didn’t want to go through with this. While she wanted to make Abuela happy, she couldn't bring herself to do this.
She heard someone else approaching her door. She couldn’t tell what they were saying, she assumed she was asking what was wrong. She didn’t listen and she didn’t care.
“Mi vida what’s wrong?” Her mother asked.
She didn't respond. She's tried to keep her sobs silent but it became harder and harder to do. They possibly started hearing her.
“Mi amor, please open the door. We want to help, please let us in.”
“No.” she said before she could stop herself. She couldn't keep her sobs quiet. They definitely heard her now.
“Please-”
“Just go away!”
It took them a second before they did leave. Since it was late Julieta took Mariano downstairs and gave him a few blankets and pillows for a makeshift mattress. He thanked her, wished her a goodnight and she went back upstairs. when passing Isabela’s door she noticed the door started flickering in unison with her sobs.
She tried again. “Isabela, what’s wrong? I want to help. Please let me in.”
Her sobs silenced but she didn't respond.
“Isa?”
Nothing.
She didn’t want to leave her alone, she needed someone but she wasn’t going to let her in. She begrudgingly went back to her room.
She doesn’t know how long it’s been since they left, she still sat with her back against her door curled up in a fetal position. She was going to bed but once again she heard someone walking up to her door. The footsteps were lighter than the others. It was Dolores. Why did it have to be Dolores? Some part of her always knew Dolores was in love with Mariano and after saying yes to the proposal she couldn’t look at her without a sense of guilt overcoming her. She wouldn’t be surprised if she hates her. She should despise her.
“Finally calm down.” She said quietly.
“What?”
“You finally stopped crying.” She heard her sit down next to her.
“Was I being too loud?”
“A little but thanks for trying to keep it quiet.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It 's okay. Thanks for trying.”
“Not just that. I’m sorry for all of it. I know you love him but I'm the one married to him.”
“I know you’re only doing this for Abuela.”
“That doesn’t excuse it. I should’ve said something. I should’ve told them about her. I should've dropped the act.”
“Then I guess I should apologize as well. I knew this would hurt both of you. I knew how much you hated the engagement but I wasn’t going to say anything. I had the perfect opportunity and excuse but I kept quiet. I let you go on with the marriage to a man you don’t love, making more people suffer because I got jealous of you. I’m so sorry, you don’t deserve that.”
“You don’t deserve this either.”
“Yes I do.” she muttered, quietly enough that she barely heard her.
They sat in silence for a few minutes after she said that. Isabela thought that maybe she left and decided to go back to bed.
“She wants to see you,” Dolores said, breaking the silence.
“Then why didn’t she?”
“She’s not angry if that’s what you’re asking.”
That’s a relief.
She didn’t tell her that she said yes. She must’ve learned from one of the villagers and decided to stay away from her. She wanted to be the one to tell her but she was worried she’d leave, which is selfish. She should leave her. She’s been a horrible girlfriend to the girl she claims to love. She was happy to learn she wasn’t mad, that she didn’t give up on her.
Dolores knew what she was thinking. “You know she wouldn’t. She loves you too much.”
“I know, but is it wrong to think she should? All I do is take advantage of her. I would’ve given up by now if I was her.”
Dolores got up. “This is why you need to talk to her.”
She opened her mouth to say something but she was cut off before she could.
“You have no excuse not to. You both want to see each other and no one except me will know. So get up and go see her.” She went back to her room.
It took her a minute to get up. She has to go see her. This might be the only chance she’ll have in a while. She left her room and headed downstairs. She suddenly felt energetic, excited even. She was going to see her. She was going to see the only person who could make her feel better. The new found energy suddenly faded once she noticed a crack in the wall that was growing bigger as she got closer to the door.
"It's not real." She told herself. "It's just my imagination."
Why didn't she listen?
Her hand ran along the crack and sure enough it was real. Mirabel was right. She can’t focus on that now. She heard someone move and she ran outside.
_______________________________________
She wasn’t told where she would find her but she knew where she would be. She went to a far-off field of light pink carnations that Ximena has been taking her to since they were little. For the both of them, it was the only place they could escape to when they needed to clear her mind. As expected she was found in the center of the field with the moon shining down on her. Just seeing her made some of the nerves go away and she went to sit next to her, but when she got a closer look at her the nerves came back. Whenever she found her here she would be more in a more open position. She’d usually sit leaned back to look up at the moon, her legs crossed but not close to her chest the way they are now. Now she sat with her knees to her chest, slouching and hiding her face in her arms. She looked different. Her hair now passed her shoulders and looked knotted and stringy. Her once beige skin looked pale in the moonlight. Her shirt was worn out to a point where she could see through it and she looked so thin. In her hands was one of the carnations that appeared to be wilting. Isabela’s pace slowed, usually being with her she’d feel comforted but she feels uneasy. What happened to her?
“Ximena?”
Her head perked up slightly. “Lo siento. I um-”
“You’re apologizing to me. I didn’t tell you that I said yes or that I was married and you’re apologizing to me.”
She lowered her head again, “I guess I am but not just because of that. I’m sorry for not trying to at least see you.”
“No it’s okay I didn’t try to either. It’s just as much my fault, possibly even more.” She said as she sat down next to her, resting her head on her shoulder.
Ximena opened up so she wouldn’t be as stiff and so she could be a bit more comfortable. She took her hand in hers and held it a tightly. It was like she was afraid she’d disappear like she was some sort of illusion caused by her grief. She held her chin and brought her face to hers so she could look into her eyes. They were red and puffy from crying, they didn’t shine the way they usually did in the moonlight instead they were dull and cloudy.
“I’m still here. I’m not going to leave.”
“I know but we might not have much control of that anymore.” She pulled away from her touch, making her harshly realize just how cold the night was. “You’re married and I'm still busy. We don't have much time for this anymore.”
She moved across from her. “Then we can leave. You said whenever I wanted to we could leave.”
“No,”
“Please, I don’t know what to do. I hate this. I don’t want to be with him, you know that. If we leave-”
“This isn’t what you want.”
“Yes, it is.” She grabbed her hands pulling them close to her chest. Her voice sounded excited yet desperate. “This is all I could think of that could solve our issue. We wouldn’t have to hide. We could have the life we both want.”
“What about your family? I know you’re mad at Alma but what about the rest of them. What are you going to do if you want to see the rest of them again. Are you going to come back? How would they respond to you suddenly leaving or you suddenly coming back like nothing happened. Or if you decide not to see them again to avoid that, you're just going to become miserable and bitter towards me. There’s no winning, just more stress.”
“I don’t know what to do.” Her grip tightened. “I’m sorry for putting you through this. I should’ve told them. You shouldn't have been dragged into this. I’m so sorry”
“This isn’t entirely your fault. I said I would’ve been fine with this. I was the one who decided to be selfish and continue this relationship. I decided to see you again. I’m the one that said I love you. This all happened because of me. I’m sorry Isabela.”
She brought her hands to her lips, kissing her cold fingers. “We’re both horrible aren’t we.” She tried to joke.
That caused her to smile, it was weak but she’ll take that. She moved next to her and rested her head on her lap.
They didn’t say anything else to each other for the rest of the time they were at the field. It was a comforting silence that they both needed. Isabela ended up taking the wilting carnation twirling it in her hand as Ximena played with her hair. Not too long afterward she ended up falling asleep in her lap. It wasn’t the most comforting place to sleep, the ground was hard, and Ximena was pretty skinny, but just being with her after everything she didn’t care. She couldn’t imagine anything more comforting.
Ximena gave her a gentle shake to make sure she wouldn’t awake at the slightest bit of movement. She didn’t wake but an annoyed groan left her mouth.
“Sorry.” She muttered.
She didn’t respond to that, thankfully.
She picked her up and carried her out of the field. Her body shifted as she did. Curling up in her arms and bringing her head close to her chest. She was going to take her back to Casita but she looked so tired and she rested so peacefully in her arms. Maybe she should take her back to her house. There she doesn’t have to be reminded of the situation. She’ll take her back to Casita at dawn. Most people will still be asleep by then. No one would know.
_______________________________________
Isabela woke up feeling a chill. She isn’t sure why. She isn’t cold, it was actually much warmer than before and what she was laying on felt softer, even if it was only slightly. She opened her eyes and saw a familiar bedroom. It took her a second to remember this was Ximena’s room, but things felt off. Dust seemed to be on every surface. The window was dirty and the mattress was cold. It all looked like it’s been abandoned. This was the only room in this house that never looked like this. This room was always clean and taken care off. She shouldn't complain though it felt nicer than being at home. She heard Ximena walking around. Checking a drawer for something, she couldn’t tell, then opening a closet. Hearing and knowing she was there usually would’ve been enough for her but for some reason this time it wasn’t. She wanted her here with her. She knows she’s being needy and it did make her feel embarrassed. She looked over at her nightstand and noticed the wilting carnation from the field. Ximena would’ve tried to preserve it, but because it was wilting she needed to restore it first. She heard her open a cabinet and a muffled clink. She sat up and grabbed the flower. She wanted it to be perfect for her but nothing happened. She tried again and this time it did what she wanted. Strange, maybe it was just a one off thing. She heard her fill a vase slightly before walking over to the room.
“You’re awake.” She sounded surprised.
She looked up at her. “Are you coming to bed?”
“Yeah, I just got some stuff to finish up.”
She placed the flower on her nightstand. ‘It'll still be there in the morning, come to bed.”
“Thanks, for that.” she said, taking the flower and ignoring her response.
“Please come to bed. I know you haven’t been here in days. I could see the bags under your eyes.”
“Okay. I will, just give me a second to put this somewhere else.” She said as she left.
She laid back down and heard her place the vase on the windowsill. As she promised she came right back to the room. The second Ximena laid down next to her Isabela climbed on top of her. Wrapping her arms around her lower back and pressing her ear to her chest so she could hear her heartbeat. She often did this on the few nights they were able to lay together, it helped her know this was real. The warmth from her body and her heartbeat was one of the few things that she couldn’t imitate. She heard her heart quicken as she did this, which caused her to laugh a little. They’ve been together for over a year but she still makes her heart race without even trying.
“Don’t make fun of me.” She said in a light tone.
“I’m not. It’s just nice to hear.”
She pulled the covers over them and hugged her. “It’s nice to have you here again.” Her hand came up to her hair and gently scratched. “I missed you mi amor.”
Isabela looked up at her, making her stop. Her eyes weren’t as red or cloudy as before. They were the bright, majestic blue orbs that became synonymous with the girl she loved. There were no signs of sadness at the moment, just pure love and adoration. She placed a hand on her check, running a thumb over her freckle dusted cheekbone before giving her a quick kiss.
“Thanks for staying with me.”
“Always, corazón.”
Such a simple word, but it made everything feel so much better. The simple promise of her always being there for her. She couldn’t ask for anything more. It was almost enough to make her forget everything else. The only thing that mattered in this moment was her and Ximena. She leaned forward and kissed her again. Not as quickly as before. Ximena was able to respond and kiss her back. Her lips were soft, almost like petals on the most perfect rose. Something only she could bring out. She felt her hand trail down her face, tracing her jaw to keep her in place. Her hands were still cold but she didn’t care. It felt nicer than the warmth Mariano offered.
“I love you.” She said against her lips.
She grabbed her hand and kissed the palm of it. “I love you too, Isabela.”
This wasn’t the first time she said this. Not even close but it still made her face flush and her heart race. She rested her head on her chest and fell asleep shortly afterward with a smile.
She wished they could’ve stayed like this.
She wished they could have more nights like this without the feeling of guilt following shortly afterward. She wanted to be able to comfort or just be with her without worrying people would notice.
But that can’t be the case.
She isn’t allowed to not be perfect.
She isn’t supposed to be with her but at least she tries. It’s all she could ever ask for.
She’ll happily settle for a few brief moments.
Even if she is just going to end up slipping away from her.