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He wasn’t really sure about this. If anyone had asked him, Clint would have said that dosing his teammates was not a good start to a trust exercise, but Fury hadn’t asked, he’d ordered, and Clint was mostly on the fringes of, like, everything these days anyway, after the whole Loki incident, so what the hell, you know? He kept his sigh strictly to himself as he poured six glasses of (doctored) sparkling cider, and handed them out. “Good news, you guys. Phil’s almost fully recovered. He should be back from TAHITI in the next couple’a weeks.” He raised his glass.
Everyone clinked, with various cries of “To Phil” and “Here’s to Agent Agent!”, and drank. Clint started a countdown-to-effectiveness in his head. Five minutes should do it, and in the meantime there were burgers to slather with mustard, and fries to drown in ketchup. Everyone got their food and settled in around the common-area dining table.
Soon, it was time. Clint knew he only had one chance, but he knew exactly how to make use of it. “So, Cap, is it true, like everyone thinks, that you’re a virgin?” Immediately, Bruce started choking on his fries, and Tony snorted beer out his nose.
Steve stammered and stuttered for a moment. “I, ah. I guess that depends on how you define it? I’ve never had sex with a woman...” The blush went from his hairline all the way down his face and neck, to disappear under his collar.
“Wait, wait, wait.” Tony waved his arms while he coughed out beer. “Logically, that means you’ve had sex with men. Or at least A man.” His eyes got wide and a bit sorrowful. “Oh. It was Bucky Barnes, wasn’t it?”
Steve nodded, swallowing all-too-fresh grief. “Mostly him, really, but back then, sometimes the easiest way for me to make rent money was down a dark alley.” He clapped both hands over his mouth, his eyes wide with shock. “I don’t know why I said that, I wasn’t ever going to tell anyone that.”
Tony’s jaw dropped. “Holy crap, that might be the hottest thing I’ve ever heard!” He covered his own mouth with his hands. “Shit, I didn’t mean to say that out loud! I can’t tell any of you how hot you are, it’ll just make this living situation awkward.”
Nat shrugged. “Everyone thinks I’m hot, but you’re not an asshole about it, so it’s easy enough for me to ignore.”
Bruce was staring. “You… I thought you just liked doing science with me. You actually think I’m hot?”
Tony snorted. “Um, duh. Have you seen you? I mean, just last week, when I broke those beakers in your lab and almost caused an explosion? That’s ‘cause I was thinking about licking every inch of you. I bet you’re very lickable.” Bruce abruptly turned bright red, his mouth hanging open just a little.
Now Clint was picturing it, Tony licking a naked Bruce, and he nodded enthusiastically. “Fuck, yeah, Bruce, you seem very lickable. And probably a great cuddler, after, right?”
Bruce squirmed a bit. “I, I guess I used to be, but, you know, since the Other Guy...” He shrugged, not meeting anyone’s eyes.
Steve stood up, falling (apparently automatically) into a Captain pose. “Then we have a mission for the evening, team. We are going to cuddle the shit out of Bruce, because we all need cuddles. Seriously, do men just not touch each other anymore? How do you live like that?” He dropped back down into his seat.
Tony, Bruce, and Clint all answered at the same time, creating a cacophony so no one could hear anything, but Thor boomed above them all. “What, men do not touch one another in this time and place? Never fear, I am happy to touch any of you, in any way you wish.” He frowned thoughtfully at the rest of them. “But you say these are things you would never have willingly shared. Whence then these declarations?”
Clint waved a hand above his head. “That’d be me. Well, and Director Fury, it was his idea, he said something about trading cards not being enough anymore? I told him it was a bad idea, but who cares what I think?”
Five voices rising in variations of “I do!” and “I care!” were followed by Nat’s frown and “And so does Phil. He’s going to be plenty pissed with Nick on our behalf. And I really want to be there for that, I love it when Phil loses his cool at people.”
Clint nodded enthusiastically. “Fuck, yeah, that’s, like, the hottest thing ever. No offense to you, Steve, or your street-walker days, I’ve just got this competency kink, and Phil’s pretty much the most competent, ever. Mmm….” He drifted off a little, picturing some of the moves Phil had pulled over the years.
Tony leaned across the table toward Clint. “And just how long have you and Coulson been sleeping together, Barton?”
Clint pouted. “Yeah, I wish. Nah, he’d never look at me that way. It’s fine, at least this way we see each other all the time, right? Better not to risk that.” He sighed wistfully.
Nat leaned over and smacked him in the back of the head. “идиот. He already looks at you like you hang the moon in the sky, but only when you are not looking. He would be delighted to date you.” Clint scowled a little and shoved the last of his burger into his mouth instead of answering.
Steve took his last gulp of root beer and clapped his hands. “Well, looks like everyone is finished with their food. Time for the mission. Go get into pajamas or sweats, grab whatever blankets and pillows you want, and meet back in the living room.” The team scattered, but reformed within five minutes, in comfy clothes and with arms full of soft things. Tony took charge of arranging the people pile: Thor on the ground, with his back to the couch, Clint and Bruce each on one of his thighs, with Steve on Clint’s other side, Tony on Bruce’s other side, and Nat draped across all their laps. Steve nodded at Tony in approval, and Tony glowed in response.
Thor managed to modulate his voice for how close they all were, but that just meant they felt it in their chests as much as they heard it. “This is well. The weight of all my comrades is a comfort to my soul.” He wrapped his arms around Steve and Tony and pulled them all in a little closer.
Nat nodded and wriggled a little, getting comfortable. “Who knew superhero thighs could be this pillowy?” She head-butted Tony until he started running his fingers through her hair, then went all loose-limbed like a big cat.
Steve leaned hard into Clint’s side, relishing the contact more than he expected. “You know, Clint, you’re just as competent as Phil, he’d be a fool to turn you down. You should ask him out.”
Clint shrugged, not liking the direction of the conversation. “I’m the reason he got stabbed, I wouldn’t blame him if he never wanted to see me again. Besides, you’re the one he’s got the crush on.”
Tony frowned and leaned around Bruce to scowl at Clint. “OK, this stuff hasn’t worn off yet, so I guess you really believe that, but, damn, you are delusional, my friend. Loki stabbed Agent, Loki attacked the helicarrier, heck, Loki put the whammy on you, anything you personally did that whole time can be blamed directly on him. And I’m like 85% sure Agent feels the same way. Dammit, I was going to say a higher number than that, damn truth potion.” He crossed his arms and leaned back against Thor, pouting a little.
Clint sighed. “Fine, since none of you will leave me alone on this, I’ll do it. I’ll ask him out, as soon as he gets back. Or, you know, after a day or two, give him some time to settle in…” He looked around, at the faces the rest of them were making, and sighed even harder. “OK, OK, as soon as he gets home. I swear. Even if we all know he’d rather be with Steve.”
Steve shrugged. “I wouldn’t say no to a one-off with Phil, but we’d never work long term. Besides, I’d rather be with Tony.” He gulped and wouldn’t look at any of them. “Oh, not that I’d put any pressure on you, I know you prefer one-offs-”
“But I don’t.” Tony turned red when they all turned to look at him, but he plowed on regardless. “I mean, they’re easier, yeah, because you don’t really have to worry about trust and deep shit like that, but I’d rather be in something real. And no matter what Fury thinks, I trust you guys, and I’m pretty sure you trust me.”
Steve mostly stifled an excited squeak, and managed a normal tone of voice. “So, Tony, would you go steady with me, be my fella?”
Tony grinned wide enough to hurt. “There is nothing in the world I would like more. Literally. I kinda want to trade places with Clint, but then we’d start making out, and that would ruin the point of the cuddle puddle.” He tried to put on a pout, but couldn’t keep from smiling.
Steve grinned back. “Making out later, team time now.” He reached across and squeezed Tony’s knee briefly.
Bruce did something with his face that was Definitely Not A Pout. “I’m happy for you two, but sad for me, because now I won’t get Tony-cuddles.”
Tony scoffed and burrowed into Bruce’s side. “Nope. Not happening. Now that I’ve got a taste of Bruce-cuddles, I’m not lettin’ ‘em go. Though if you want more than that, we’ll have to have another conversation.” He hummed thoughtfully. “Speaking of, hey, Romanov. You gonna get in on that Clint and Phil action?”
Nat went very still, then let all her tension out on a sigh. “Probably not the way you’re thinking. This contact is nice, but so often I have to be sexual professionally, I do not generally care for it on my own time. It’s all just bodies and fluids anyway.”
Clint took her hand. “Well, sex or not, you’re always welcome to cuddle with me, and I’ll bet Phil will say the same.”
Tony put up his hand. “I’m in on that, too. For all of you. I might get kinda jumpy about it, and, you know, don’t try when I’m welding or whatever, but free cuddles for all.”
Steve nodded decisively. “New Avengers policy. Everyone gets all the hugs and things they need. That’s what families do for each other.”
Thor rumbled happily and squeezed everyone closer. “I am proud to call you my brothers and sister, and I would be pleased if our movie nights were conducted thus.”
Bruce chuckled. “If only the public knew. Big bad Avengers, having a puppy pile and a movie night. Wouldn’t trade it for the world.”