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At this point he was just tired. He stared at Kaeya who was just yelling incoherent words.
‘I should probably zone back in’ Diluc thought to himself but he couldn’t bring himself to do anything but stare.
He didn’t feel like his body was his own and instead the hostile feeling of simply being a guest flooded over him.
He should really say something.
Anything.
He felt his fist clenching and his nails digging painfully into his palm but still he just stared.
Diluc wished he could climb out of his body. His bones felt too heavy and his skin too tight. His lungs couldn't hold enough air which was too warm and suffocating anyways and his eyes burned.
Suddenly he felt himself being ripped out of his observing state and pulled back into his body.
“Do we really have to talk about this right now?” he asked, already knowing the answer.
“Yes we do for fucks sake!” Kaeya snapped, “because if we don’t we will forget about it but I seriously want to resolve this!”
Diluc did not want to resolve it. He didn’t care about whatever they were fighting again. He just wanted some peace between the two of them.
“Okay sure whatever go on I guess,” he sighed, shoulder slumping and rubbing his eyes.
If Kaeya noticed how worn out Diluc was he at least chose to ignore it in order to talk. He talks a lot Diluc notices.
“-and if you wouldn’t always shove it in my face.” Kaeya continued whatever sentence he said while Diluc thought about Kaeya’s never ending talking.
“Sorry what am I shoving into your face?” Diluc asked tiredly.
“See that’s exactly what I mean! You’re not even listening to me,” Kaeya scoffed, letting his crossed arms fall slack only to cross them again.
Diluc furrowed his brows in confusion at that pointless action but chose not to say anything about it. “I simply didn’t understand you acoustically, but sure read random stuff into my words to paint me as the villain again,” he lied instead.
“Yeah okay anyways what was I saying?” the rest of whatever Kaeya was trying to say drowned in the constant stream of Diluc’s never ending stream of thoughts.
It’s moments like these in which he wishes he would have finished what he almost had back when Kaeya revealed his secret to him. Seeing Kaeya dead isn’t what Diluc really wants and he knows it. He knows that he would have regretted it even more than he did when he only tried to kill his brother but he can’t help but ask himself if his life would have become easier with Kaeya gone. How life would be like if he didn’t even enter Diluc’s life.
If Crepus would still be alive.
He knows that his life wouldn’t be any better without Kaeya. He should be thankful for his brother. But still. He doesn’t want anything more than him being gone this exact moment.
“Please be quiet.” Diluc croaked. Quietly. Weakly.
Kaeya actually did shut up. But Diluc could see something in him recoil. He stared at him with that look in his eyes he knew all too well. It was a look of betrayal, hurt and anger. And that was the exact moment Diluc regretted even saying anything. Letting Kaeya's words wash over him and waiting for all of this to be over would be a lot easier than seeing being forced to look into Kaeya's right now.
“Typical,” Kaeya whispered before downing the rest of his drink and getting up from the bar stool.
Diluc could see a tear forming at Kaeya’s uncovered eye but pretended not to see it by turning around and setting the wine bottle back into the shelf.
He heard Kaeya stomping to the door, hesitating as if he considered turning back, but then the sound of the door opening and being slammed shut again echoed through the room.
The silence that Kaeya created by leaving was incredibly loud and felt even more suffocating than his never ending stream of complaints and insults.
Diluc turned back around and stared at the closed door while he felt himself disassociating once again. It took him all his energy that he had left to snap back and force himself to take several deep breaths.
He knew that he wouldn’t make it back to the winery without doing anything stupid that could end his life so he forced himself to clean the rest of the bar before going upstairs to the spare bedroom which he usually used for spending the night with Childe or when they were so short on staff that it’s not worth going back to the winery every night.
Or for nights like these. When everything felt like too much and his usually neatly bottled emotions are in danger of bursting. He knew that The Diluc Ragnvindr couldn't be caught expressing emotions. Ever.
Or even worse what if Kaeya actually found out that his words had an impact on Diluc. He didn’t want to give him that. He could already feel Kaeya’s triumphant smile above him if he would ever cry in front of him.
To prevent himself from being forced to think about, or feel his emotions he quickly got undressed, crawled in the bed and pulled the blanket above his head to block out the outside world.
Nighttime was Diluc’s favorite time because it was the only time the city was quiet and he could think. Or the time he could sleep to avoid all of his thoughts, which he realized he did way too often long ago but it was so much easier to just escape and hide behind a thick wall he built to ‘protect’ himself.
He knew that this behavior was unhealthy and stupid but as long as he could escape Kaeya with all his emotions and words and intrigues and guilt he was perfectly fine with being unhealthy.
He realized that he wouldn’t be able to sleep this night so he got up again, got dressed, grabbed his claymore on the way out and ventured into the open fields of Mondstadt to venture his frustrations on some hillichurls and maybe even an abyss mage – provided he’s able to take one down all by himself without getting killed in the process.
Losing his life didn’t seem too bad though, so he left.