Archive of Our Own

Well that's partially incorrect, he'd smoked before. He remembers the curiosity nagging at the back of his brain as he twirled the cigarette between his fingers before Himeno took it back from him. 

I'll hold onto this one for you. 

He'd never held one before, a tinge of regret washing over him making him wish he'd never mentioned about being a minor in the first place. But then again he assumed she already knew. The seller didn't ask for an ID, kind enough to even light it up for him. The state of this country, he remembers internally scoffing to himself, walking out of the shop with the same confidence he'd entered it with and finding himself an alleyway to take the first drag. 

It was strong, he won't lie. He was half expecting himself to cough up a lung as smoke hit his throat, trying to mimic how people do it in the movies, how he's seen Himeno do it on a regular basis. It tasted horrible, hard to believe someone would put that in their mouth willingly. But a few puffs in and a lightness washed over him. Along with it a sense of guilt, how ashamed his parents must be, how disappointed. But that's not the case anymore, that's not his life and it'll never be. The last drag was the one that caught at this throat, choking and burning as he coughed till tears were running down his eyes and he remembered his own words to himself. 

Just this one. And never again. 

Slowly that turned into a lie. A false promise meant to be broken, a hollow code thrust upon him by someone he doesn't even remember. When Himeno gave him his "first" smoke, he repeated it like a mantra under his breath. When Himeno squealed in her drunken excitement to the entire room that he's about to be a man with his first Seven Stars, he didn't tell her it wasn't his first and it wouldn't be his last. Soon it started to linger, the foul smell sticking to his clothes, his hair, his room. No one ever complained about it and with the passage of time he got used to it enough to not even notice a difference. 

They lost people, he saw death, he failed at trying to keep himself isolated from the bunch and it only bit back at him at the end of the day. At least the nicotine burning at the back of his throat felt better than ever growing and churning knot at his throat. At least the momentary lightness induced by the lack of oxygen cleared his head enough to let himself feel the cold breeze against his skin. At least. 

"Why do you do it?" 

Aki turns his head, glancing back to find Angel standing at the door of the balcony with his arms crossed. He's wearing a shirt too big for his small lanky frame, hair dull under the moonlit sky. A light pink woollen glove in his right hand as he left remains bare, the only one they could salvage in one of their previous missions to solve their "live in" situations, touches can't always be conscious no matter Angel having bore his ability for who knows how long. There's a subtle scowl on his face, only recognizable after getting used to his one too many mannerisms which Aki very much was. 

"What?", he knows what he meant but still decided to humour him. The partly finished cigarette resting between his fingers. 

"You don't do it for yourself." 

Aki frowns, lips curling to the side with no intention of hiding his displeasure. "If I were you I'd shut up right about now." 

Angel sighs, rolling his eyes to the side and resting his head on the balcony door. "And if I were you I'd know better than to throw empty threats at people." 

Feeling rather gutsy, are we? Aki can't help but shake his head, caught a little off-guard by Angel's rather rare feistiness. Rare absolutely anything he chooses to display, be it an emotion an expression, a little bit of human on his face could do him some good. 

"Where are you going with this?" 

Angel walks towards him, extending his hand to his own, eyes glaring into his own as he fumbles at his finger, the coarse wool rubbing against his own bare cold hand, letting the cigarette loose as it falls on the ground beside his feet. Aki's eyebrows remain furrowed but he doesn't say a word, doesn't pull his hand away, doesn't push to put enough distance between them. 

"Those things rot your bones y'know." 

I don't smoke cigarettes. Just this one. I mean it.

Don't smoke cigarettes. They'll rot your bones.

What a terrible mentor, making a minor smoke.

Just this once and never again. 

"Not that I care, but I think about it", Angel's voice was deadly quiet as his fingers continued single out each of his own until their palms met each other in doing so. Aki swallows, inhaling shakily as Angel's eyes fall to the ground. "I try not to but it's different. Difficult. So futile." 

"What're you going on about?" 

"What you said earlier", The hand pulls away, wipes at his pants. Aki groans, the same hand now scratching at the back of his head, trying to make out where this could be going. "About having lost enough people", his voice was weak enough to die before barely making out of his mouth, making Aki smile at the sudden display of hesitance laced with annoyance and much to his surprise, not masking the pain. Much like the humans he deems to not understand. "About not wanting to loose anymore", he continues and all Aki can see on his face is the strained pull on his forehead and the slight creasing beside his eyes. "I don't want to either."

"You-", Aki falters, bringing his hand up to rub at his face and combing his hair back with his fingers only for the soft night breeze to blow past it once again. This might just be the last thing he'd have ever expected to happen, in this life that he's lived a devil loosing what makes them such in front of him. "You do realise that in our line of work, I will die three lifetimes before a cigarette can kill me." 

Maybe he's trying to console him, lend a comforting metaphorical rub on the back so to speak, but he finds himself hissing internally at how terrible it actually does sound. No matter the truth it's his... his buddy. A responsibility, a partner, an associate till however long either of them have. Putting a little more thought to his words could do him some good. 

"If you're blaming yourself for-" 

"I'm not", Aki didn't need a second worth of introspection to deem it a lie. 

"Fine whatever but either way", Aki stares at the fallen cigarette by his feet, now given out leaving a short streak of char in its wake, "My life is my own. I do what I do with decisions that I make." He lifts his other hand towards Angel then lets it stay in the air, waiting for any movement from the other party. He let's himself a little further, finger barely grazing at the pink reflecting rouge under the moonlight when Angel snaps, pulling away in less than a blink of an eye and staring Aki with disbelief all over his face, terrified eyes wide enough for Aki to make out the dilated pupil even in the dimmed light. 

"What-" 

"I chose to do what I did then", Aki straightens up and shaking his head to himself as he puts both his hands into the empty pockets of his pants, feeling them immediately starting to leech off of the heat. "I chose to save you. I'll do it again. I don't care", he's not coming off quite how he wanted it to, not even half as comforting as he would've willed it to be. "We maybe partners but I hope you're smart enough to understand that it doesn't mean jackshit." 

"You're the one who-" 

"Stop concerning your little devil brain with me." 

Angel stood, glaring holes into Aki's skull from what Aki could tell. He shakes his head again as he sighs and walks out of the balcony, switching the lights off on hid way back to his room. The next day comes with a steaming cup of coffee waiting for him in the kitchen counter with Angel no where in sight. Aki leaves his pack of Seven Stars by the sink when he heads out that morning. 

Aki doesn't understand cravings. He remembers his younger brother being a terrible sweet tooth, complaining about not enough sugar in practically anything that'd touch his taste buds. Heavens forbid the candies would see more than two days in the counter, nothing could be out of his reach. It irked him, annoyed him, now he looks back at these pieces distorted in his mind, a broken ceramic plate joined with craft glue. Not that he's never craved things in his life, it's hard to remember anything about himself. 

He thinks about his parents faces slowly fading from in front of his eyes and feels a itch in his fingers, digging his nail deeper to not think about the ever-present roll of paper between his index and thumb. He thinks about Taiyo's shrill laugh piercing his ears as his dad would lift him up in the sky and remembers the bitter clove in his mouth, smoke filling up his lungs. He thinks about Himeno, clove was her favourite. Clove was the only flavour he smoked. 

You don't do it for yourself. 

Well how the fuck is he supposed to know. He pushes himself up from his pillow, groaning at the sight of the cigarette pack infant of his mirror. He hasn't touched it on the last two days and it was starting to feel fruitless. Why even is he doing this? Why now? Like he cares about some smoke in his lung eating him alive, it's the least of his concern. Hell would he be fucking surprised to make it till his next birthday. 

He walks out of the room to see Angel sitting on the couch with a small book in his hand. Under the yellow side light his hair looked a bright vermillion adorning his unusually pale face. He could see his wings crossed behind his, careful of every feather and the halo out of his view, maybe invisible to the eye under the sharp light. He doesn't say a word,  walking past the room to sit on the couch across him, lying on it with his head on his arms, feet shaking with a restlessness he can't get himself to explain. He shuffles through channels, disinterested and not even focusing on whatever the screen seems to be reflecting. The itch remains, the only focus to get his head out if it. 

"If you're not going to watch, you can always just turn it off", Angel spoke and Aki had to bite his tongue not to snap at him. He feels tired, his head is giving him the hardest fucking time of his life and he has an eagles eye view set on the remaining cigarette pack on his table, just one more who even gives a fuck. Why does Angel care, why does he care? 

"You don't seem-" 

"Please leave me alone", it's tired, doesn't carry any weight to it just a plain request. How bothersome, going along with something like this. 

Angel remains quiet for a while, engrossed into his book without another word or retort. Aki couldn't be more grateful. But as he closes his eyes to drown himself out into the distant buzz of the muted television, Angel speaks again. 

"Will you be moving out?" 

Huh? It takes a while to register. And then again, 

"Huh?" 

"Denji and Power, they need more...", when he doesn't say anything Aki turns to face him, seeing his face looking rather far away in thought. "Well they are in need of assistance. Makima had you with them before." 

"What's this all of a sudden?" 

Angel shrugs, clicking his tongue, "If Makima asks you to." 

Aki sighs, turning back and closing his eyes, "If Makima-san wants me to, of course I'd do it." 

"Would you want to?" 

What kind if question is that? Does the universe really think he has enough in him to deal with this shit right now? 

"It's not about what I'd want." 

Aki is allowed good two minutes of silence, peace seeping into his body, resting his hands and legs and spreading throughout as he starts to feel the lul of sleep calling to him. 

"I don't like it." 

That was enough. Aki grumbled under his breath, grabbing the cushion behind him in a fist and throwing it at Angel who saw exactly what was going to happen and was sitting prepared for it to land right on his arms. Aki inhaled deeply, holding his breath before exhaling out deeply. 

"Is there anything you do like? Huh?" 

Angel's eyebrows furl in confusion. 

"Are you asking-" 

"No." Aki interrupted, not caring enough for whatever brain numbing question the devil had. 

"Are you unwell?", Angel changes track. 

"What?" 

"Is it the.. what was it.." Aki rubs a hand over his forehead, only realising at Angel's comment that he is infact running a little hot. Angel continues, "Flu?" 

"No. I'm not sick." 

Angel doesn't look convinced. And it bothers Aki, why does he care. They've been together for merely months, yes the strenuousness was kind of getting tiring, they're slightly more capable of tolerating each other now. Its just.. 

"Then should we go out?" 

Aki stared at him like he's grown two heads. "Go out?" 

Angel shuts his book, placing it on the table beside the couch, switching off the side lamp. He stands up and stretches his wings, pulling them with his hands then letting them slide back into their prior position. "Yes I'm bored. It's not too late, well i don't know about you humans-" 

Aki sighs. "Right. Of course", although he doesn't fully understand why he simply gets up and pulls out his hoodie from the coat rack, slipping into his sneakers. "Get your coat or something." 

Angel simply follows him out as if he hadn't even heard what Aki said. "Not cold", what is he a child? Aki doesn't let the irritation get to him, letting it flow out, thoughts still lingering to the smoke and smell. Maybe this would do him some good. 

"Denji brought me ice cream from this one-" Angel starts as they head down the stairs, Aki nodding along with not entirely listening to him but still getting a gist why exactly he wanted to get out. 

"Hey", Angel speaks, a little louder and slightly brushing he elbow against Aki's side to get his attention. "You aren't listening." 

"I am", he retorts in an instant, sounding a little defensive. "And we need to do something about your sugar addiction", he means it as a joke but he realizes for fact that Angel's sweet tooth was actually making him quite susceptible to being bribed into Denji's antics and maybe to some extent even Power's. In the past month Angel would suddenly mention a certain something he'd witnessed that day and nothing in this world can ever prepare Aki for what his next few words would be. They're getting along, he thinks to himself with his hand unconsciously rubbing at his neck and his chest feeling a little tight in the good summer warmth kind of way as he keeps walking. 

"I don't have a sugar addiction", Angel complains and Aki decides he knows better than to argue. 

He smoked the fifth day, sleep deprived and lost appetite, promising one cigarette, then another, and so it went on until the last remaining cigarette in the pack remained staring up at him accusingly. He relaxed, unclentching his jaw, fingers rolling the cigarette and putting it back inside the pack. 

Doing something for himself, he scoffs at the thought of that. Is that why he was trying to quit? To do something for himself? Initially there was no reason for it he thinks, just like there was no reason for him to start smoking in the first place. Morbid curiosity getting the best of his teenage self can be blamed but he knows that's not all there is to it and frankly he's never dug deeper than that. His parents, Taiyo, Himeno, Makima, Denji and Power... and Angel, it's just too much to deal with and still he doesn't feel it justified enough to put his nicotine addiction on feelings he doesn't want to deal with. His memories, the nightmares he doesn't want to tarnish another part of his childhood by justifying his cigarette cravings as a coping mechanism, the smoke choking his throat and clouding his brain taking away the pain. 

"-an in the fridge?" 

"What?", he sees Angel poking his head from behind his door, an expectant look on his face. 

"It's hot", he states, pushing the door open and standing straight. 

Aki pushes himself up, sliding the pack with the one remaining cigarette in his pocket. He notices Angel eyeing it but gives nothing away with his expression. Aki let's go of the urge to roll his eyes. 

"I'm aware." 

He waits. A few seconds pass. Aki knows where this is going but he doesn't say anything. 

"Well?" 

"Take me out." 

"For fucks sake", Aki grumbles under his breathe, shakes his head as he pockets whatever spare notes he could find lying around, knowing exactly why Angel wants to go out. 

He steps out, not trying to think much about the self satisfying smile on Angel's face as walked beside him. It amused him, how simple Angel tend to be at times, so hilariously single-minded at times putting him outside of the "devil" attached to his name. On first look Aki found Angel almost ethereal to look at, of course introducing himself as "Angel" felt quite on the face. Outside of the wings and the halo, his face reflected a childlike innocence, a naivety rivalling the contrasting tiredness in his eyes. An oxymoron. Much like his name. 

"You tried", Angel spoke, voice soft beside him as they walked past stores and passing people. It was hot, the humidity in the air making him feel the sweat clinging to his back. When Aki doesn't say anything Angel continues, "I didn't expect you to but I'm glad you tried." 

"I didn't-" 

"I know", Angel brings his hand to his face, scratching under his ear and pushing his hair behind. He wasn't wearing his gloves, Aki registers and doesn't say anything about it. "I know you weren't doing it for me, I wouldn't want that anyways."

He rubs his tongue over his lips, feeling the chapped skin. He hopes his silence is enough but apparently not because Angel starts speaking again.

"I am not interested in forming any.. bonds. I understand and I'm not stupid", Something tells Aki he'd been planning on letting it out for a while now, the words that seemed to carry a sense of hostility within not sounding half as resentful because of the casual tone of his voice. 

Aki opens his mouth to speak again but Angel still wasn't done. "We've both lost people, every moment is unprecedented and unpredictable, I get it. Still... however hard it maybe for you to believe, I care about you." 

He stopped walking and Aki did too, turning his head to the side but not completely facing him. "I think about it without trying to, in a way you saved me but I don't have it in me to be grateful." How Angel was able to look him right into the eyes as he spoke these words, he'll never understand. It was moments like these, moments of sheer honesty and blatantly blurring out whatever is in his mind that troubled Aki about Angel, in a way envying his ability to be true to himself but the ever present apathetic ignorance that made so much of what Angel was.. well he's intriguing is one way to put it when he's the last thing Aki wants to be intrigued by. 

"You know, if this is what you wanted to do.. it would've been better if we stayed home", Aki looked around as people passed by, feeling a little out of place with Angel deciding he wanted to have a moment standing in the middle of the pavement. Angel frowned at those words, lips turning down in a pouty scowl as he looked down. 

"It's hot", his voice was tiny. "And I was bored", repeating as a matter of fact. Aki couldn't help but feel a smile taking over his lips. 

"And you wanted ice cream." 

Angel didn't look up but Aki could see his shoulders squeeze together as he grew smaller, very clearly a little embarrassed but Aki won't put a word to it. He just found himself trying his best to wipe the smile off his face before Angel could see him, all in vain. 

The last cigarette in his pocket didn't cross his mind until he returned back to his apartment, caramel crunches stuck to the back of his teeth from whatever odd flavour Angel had chosen for him. 

They make a deal. 

Angel finds out after another gruelling chat at breakfast that Aki had infact tried to quit smoking. He doesn't comment, simply continuing to make mini squares out of the French toast on his plate. He tells him he failed as he pries the jar of blueberry jam out of his hand, stopping him from dolloping another spoonful on his design. 

"I know", Angel tells him, the scowl not leaving his face. 

"I know you do." 

"Then why are you telling me?" 

Aki looks at him dead in the eye, trust Angel to make the worst out of any chance at conversation ever. To think about it, he doesn't know why he's telling Angel. Just another human thing to do is what he explains instead, making small talk while sharing a meal. 

"You wish to try again?" 

Aki hadn't considered that. After he... "relapsed".. as that's what the internet told him it was, back into his addiction he's found it harder to keep the craving at bay. Absence makes the heart go fonder, as the saying goes. It felt obsolete, the idea of restricting yourself from something without guaranteed results, there's no clarity no pressure no need to put himself through the withdrawal once again. 

"It won't make a difference" 

"Of course it wont" 

But you'd be doing it for yourself, his own brain voiced out for him. Would he? Where even was this notion coming from? 

"Why do you dislike it?", he asked instead. 

Angel stop with the fork still in his mouth, raising his eyebrows in confusion. He pulls it out and speaks with his mouth full, "I don't dislike it." 

"Well then-" 

"Because you do." 

Aki clicks his teeth in frustration, rustling his hand through his hair. 

"You don't do it for yourself." 

"Yes I've heard that one before." 

Angel's fork clinks as it hits the plate, one, twice, he drops it and reaches for the jar, Aki already pulling it out of his reach. He hears Angel grumble under hid breath. 

"Then do something for yourself", Angel gets up from his chair, picking Aki's dishes as well with his own and all Aki can think about is how domestic all this has been. Do something for yourself and all he can think about is just how grossly domestic they've been. Do something for yourself and he flashes to the cups of coffee sitting ready for him in the morning, Angel barging into his room without notice as if it's his own, Aki putting Angel's books back in their place without a complain, living with Angel was starting to feel like the normal he'd always had in his life. 

He hears the water running, clinking of plates, don't you wanna do something for yourself. 

"Angel", he calls but the other,  despite having heard Aki doesn't respond. 

"What does this have to do with anything?" 

The tap turns off, Angel turning around and leaning back onto the counter facing Aki. "I can't explain", Aki tries to look for something in his voice, just anything to get a gist of what he feels. "I don't understand it myself so I won't try to.. Things don't really make sense to me you see", he pauses. "There's so much that doesn't feel right to me. But I can't-" He looks up with his eyes piercing yet it felt like he was looking through him. 

"If I ask you to get out of here would you?", Aki's jaw tightened as he tried to keep hid expression as neutral as possible for his own sake. Angel doesn't know what he's talking about. 

"What do you mean", it wasn't a question. 

"I know you wouldn't.. ", he then looks away again and Aki hates how no matter how hard he tries he can't tell, he cant figure out what's going on in his head. "It's probably in your best to run away, but you won't." The momentary silence between them makes Aki think he isn't going to say anymore but he continues, voice a lot more gentler than before, almost like speaking to himself, "And you would think it's because you don't want to, without realising that you actually can't." 

"Angel-" 

"Ask yourself." 

"What?" 

"Do you want to?" 

What is he doing with this.. 

"No." 

"Do you know why?" 

"Cause I made a promise." 

"To whom?" 

"I..", he waited. He saw Angel waiting, hands now crosses, looking at him with a somewhat challenging look in his eyes but Aki knows he not making light of it. This is.. this is something else. 

"I need revenge."

"Do you really?" 

Aki's fist tighten beside him as he gets up from his chair rather harshly. 

"You won't know any better if you don't shut up right now Angel." 

Angel smiles at him, it looks so condescending Aki wishes he could set himself on fire right this moment. 

"Aki Hayakawa", he walks towards him, his wings extending behind him in a light stretch, getting caught in the sunlight for a moment then retracting back. "For once in your life," few steps too close, right up to his face until their noses are a finger worth of distance from one another. "Do something for yourself." 

Aki felt a little shaken on the inside, riled up from the exchange and trying to find answers from within, an explanation. 

"Angel", he reaches for his hand as Angel reflexively pulls in away, Aki realising the cost of the touch and cursing himself inwardly for having forgotten about it momentarily. 

"Sorry", he said instinctively, not wanting to keep up with this back and forth. "Just.. your fucking riddles, what is this really about." 

Angel's eyes remain fixed on his hands, the same one that had reached out, the one Aki had left hanging in between them. After a while he blinks back at him, the wariness still present in his eyes. 

"Let's make a deal." 

"Wha-" 

"Not a contract. Don't get me wrong. Just a..", he ponders on it for a while almost waiting for Aki to finish the sentence for him. "A normal very human deal. Reaching an understanding as one does.." when Aki still remains quiet, Angel assumes he's probably not making sense. "A negotiation if you will, to-" 

"I got it", he intercepts. "What is this now, fuck.." dealing with him should come with an instruction manual. Aki feels all the efforts made in the past few weeks to form thr bond he now shares with Angel was all for nothing. 

"You wouldn't understand and I won't be able to make you", Angel leans, letting his hair fall over to his side as he stares out the window far by the kitchen sink. "For now I just want you to let me help you." 

"With what?" 

"Quitting. Doing something for yourself." 

This again. It's starting to become a mantra, a children's bedtime story read one too many times for it to sit in your brain word by word. 

"Is that the deal." 

"Precisely." 

"And in return?" 

"In return..", Angel shakes his head a smile flickering in his eyes momentarily but fading away as he looks back at Aki's hand instead of him. "In return I get to have a partner." 

-- 

Surprisingly, the cigarettes inside the pack remained untouched for the rest of the week. Aki had expected the withdrawal symptoms to come at him with twice the force and yet he was starting to think he had somehow underestimated the severity. His fingers itched, his tongue craved and his body was quite literally putting him through a living hell. The last resort was to temporarily station himself in the bathroom when his mind would linger to the smoke. Between debating every now and then how this really doesn't mean anything, all this effort doesn't amount to jackshit and trying to keep the irritability at bay just enough to at least function during missions, the most he would let himself do I his fingers reached for the pack was fiddle with the box when his fingers were warm and sweaty. 

Kishibe had noticed but hadn't said anything, Denji was surprised when on the third day of meeting then he didn't once touch a cigarette and asked him, seemingly all too familiar with smokers but Aki didn't inquire about that. Simply shrugging and asking him to focus on the mission at hand and for the love of god stop dropping of stray cats at his door for no reason in particular. 

Angel was.. oddly innovative when it came to ideas and suggestions regarding Aki's current predicament. As if he wasn't the one who initiated it at the first place. Aki felt his palms grow a little warm at the thought. It would be absurd to think he was doing this for Angel and yet his brain kept coming back to it. It was like the seed of an idea being planted in your brain, it grows and thrusts its root deeper, finding firmer ground. Do something for yourself. 

It didn't make sense to him. Angel's adamance seemed rooted in something much deeper, beyond Aki. And he was trying, but every time he'd think about what Angel had said earlier, about getting away, asking him why he was doing this, he was met with a wall. A mental block. Like he's actually just sitting shotgun in his brain, all ideas of control an illusion. Or as if the control has been- 

"It's your forth mug." 

Aki blinked. Just how long had he been riding his train of thought. Angel looked like he'd just gotten out of bed, his already untamed hair a hell of a lot more unkempt and his face wearing down and tired. He took a careful sip, hoping the warmth would sit in his stomach and help settle the queasiness. 

When he didn't answer, Angel just plopped himself on the couch with his wings making space for themselves. It always piqued at Aki, how the wings seemed to have a mind of their own. Denji had once asked Angel if it felt like having fpur arms to which Angel had just told him it's how its always been so he can't imagine how it would be anyway else. 

"As long as it's helping you", he mumbled. 

"It's really not." 

They've tried a lot of things. Patches were a major help, but Aki didn't like being consistent with it. It definitely didn't have anything to do with Angel's comment on trading one dependency for another. Definitely did not. Counting felt good, a milestone after another, hours, days, weeks, giving him a surge of having achieved something no matter how menial it actually is. It was last night he realized how truly fucked in the head his withdrawal can make, providing all sorts of excuses, offering a million different justifications. 

Although he'll never be one to voice it out, Angel's company was starting to prove like a blessing in disguise. No pun intended there. His thoughts had been all over the places, feelings amplified to the point of just wanting to shut himself off from the world. Like he's vibrating all the time, so fidgety and restless, racing memories and flashes, it not exactly pain but it sure as fuck does hurt. And in between Angel would complain about being coped up in between the walls and drag him out, dead in the night, early in the morning, among the bustling streets in the evening or the quiet dead under the sun in the afternoon. It didn't matter and it felt almost like a cycle for every time Aki felt his thoughts begin to burst and regret to slowly seep into his chest and clutch at his throat, Angel would barge into his room. 

No he'll never be the one to say it, but he was starting to get used to it, almost expecting it every time. He was starting to feel calmer bit by bit every time they'd get back to the apartment with the lingering taste of the flavors he always let's Angel choose for himself. 

"Out?" 

"No", another soft mumble. 

That was odd. 

"Something bother you?", Aki decided he might as well just make conversation. 

Angel hummed in response, his expression didn't change but eyes shifted to something more distant and a troubled scowl remained on his forehead. "Before I came here, Makima had me in a little apartment of my own, deemed too dangerous. It was nice, and I was grateful but I..", his face softened and Aki could catch a ghost of a smile on his face. "I don't understand why but a part of me felt empty. Hollow." 

Aki knew about it, about Angel's amnesia pertaining to what life he had before joining the Special Forces. How he has no memory whatsoever prior to the night of having met Makima, what he'd done, who he'd been. 

"Lately I've been.. I don't understand feeling this way, as a devil if doesn't make sense. It's this weird feeling tugging inside and it's almost as if my body remembers having felt like this before but I", he stops, his eyes a little wild and his face trying its best to mask what he truly was feeling. "I can't remember. Something in my chest, twists and tugs at me and it's so uncomfortable, so frustrating I wish I could.." 

He doesn't speak any further, voice reaching a level of fragility so not akin to Angel. 

"Aki..", He puts his cup down and walks over to the couch without really meaning to. The sound of his name feeling a little too foreign from Angel's lips. Sitting down on other end with enough space between him and Angel without looking at him. Like a checklist, realization dawned upon him. The blood rushing to his ears, the warmth under his eyes and behind his neck, the beating of his heart against his ribs. Maybe he was trying to say something but his voice doesn't work. 

"Can I be honest with you?" 

He nods. He doesn't think Angel was looking at him but he continues anyway. 

"I'm headed to my death." 

Aki clicks his tongue, "Is this another one of your suicidal rants?" 

"I don't know how.. but I can tell. You.. Me. Somethings heading. Something I'm forgetting." 

"Why are you telling me this?", If it was possible for Aki to punch his own eyes out without it seeming comically hilarious he absolutely would. 

"Maybe it doesn't mean anything to me.. but humans seem to romanticize about it a lot", he could hear the smile in Angel's voice. Angel shifted, bringing his knees up to his chest and resting his chin on it. "About death, unspoken words, unvoiced feelings, you get it right? You are one." 

"Before this I thought what if I'm making a mistake. Such a human sentiment isn't it?", a chuckle. Aki doesn't dare meet his eyes. "But I've already made the mistake. Not one but several. I let you in my head." 

Without meaning to Aki snapped his head up at him, face confused and somewhat offended. 

"Don't look at me like that. Your constant rolling of eyes at me, the heartlessness you wear as an armour, your annoying top knot, the little twitch of your mouth", Angel points a finger at him, "like that. Right there. Annoyance? Concern? I can't tell. But you look at me like I'm not there at all. You're never paying attention yet somehow always listening." 

"You're much of an inconvenience, Hayakawa. Might as well call you the bane of my existence. Every night you're there, haunting my dreams with your touch, I might be going mad. Before this, I think I was used to being alone it didn't feel like anything. Now I come back from a mission and my pockets are full of your junk.. your matches and hair ties, bus tickets and bills, your handkerchief. Bothersome right?" 

"Enough", Aki gets up, walking in front of Angel trying his best to keep his calm but the way he felt he was sure he was physically shaking. "Is this your idea of a joke?" 

"I asked if I can be honest with you", Aki wants to wipe that nonchalance right off his face. He wished he could. 

"Are you going to kill yourself?" 

Angel laughed. "I can't." 

Aki doesn't know what to say, doesn't know if he knew what to would be able to. An uncontainable unrest took over his chest. 

"Something Captain Kishibe said.. it won't leave my mind. I think it was a joke", the smile on his face didn't reach his eyes, didn't match his voice either. Oddly unsettling Aki almost doesn't want to hear what he's going to say next. Angel brushed through his hair with his fingers, clutching it in his fist as he looked at it. "A certain way I could wear it and he bet I would look like Makima. Is that-" 

"Shut up." 

"Do-" 

"I said shut up. Shut the fuck up. I've had enough of this", Aki turns away from him stomping back into his room but almost immediately changing his mind and walks back outside. Angel remains quiet for a while, which Aki is more than grateful for. 

It doesn't last. 

"Hayakawa.." 

He doesn't dare. 

"There's so much I don't understand but I hope that you don't mind my selfishness. If I can get one thing out of this", he shakes his head. "If there's one thing I can get you to do for yourself.. if that's how, for a little while at least, your dwindling lifespan and my hand in your palm can stop haunting my dreams.."

Once again he's at loss, it seemed to be turning into a recurring habit. He feels himself reach his limit, a threshold being tested with and the entire day's irritability catching up, an urge to scratch and bleed and skin himself alive taking over. He rubs at his forehead, feeling the headache rage on stronger than before. And yet, despite how badly the only thing he wanted to do right now was punch Angel hard enough to knock his halo out, he settled on one question. 

"Will that be enough for you?" 

It's a loosing game. 

If there's one thing Aki has learned in life, he sure can tell when the universe is working against him and this surely was out of his hand. Definitely a loosing game. 

Their little exchange the previous day had put Aki through a portal of actualization, as funny it may seem. He was more self conscious of himself, feeling like he's walking on shells around Angel, a little exposed by every second, so aware of the awkwardness surrounding them both. A tunnel of memories in a completely different light now. He can't say he's never particularly felt anything, just that there never was a word for it. There was a force, a drive between them, a magnetic pull ever since they met but Aki was never one to ponder upon fate and ideas as such. 

The first time Angel told him he wanted to try something, wearing a glove and gently rubbing his knuckles against Aki's cheeks. The smile had jostled something inside him but he told himself he was just glad Angel wasn't lamenting upon ideas of death. Angel asking him the most unexpected of the question like his opinions on rebirth or how if he was an ice cream flavour he probably would've been strawberry cheesecake which Aki had denied for the next two weeks before giving up. Angel leaning down the railing till his torso, expressionless, his hair giving a coppery glint under the sunset until Aki pulled him by his shirt commenting on how much he'd appreciated if Angel wouldn't ruin his mostly decent week by offing himself in his balcony. 

He swore under his breath, his eyes landing on the Seven Stars pack, partly worn down and tattered and just that one remaining cigarette still sticking out. The clock showing 1:07. 

Do something for yourself. 

He walks out, finding Angel standing in the balcony. Wordlessly, he enters, taking up the space beside him as he leaned his elbows on the railing. Despite it being the middle of June there was an uncharacteristic chill in the air, the air felt clearer. To him Angel had always smelled like the seashore, an odd freshness to him. Maybe it had washed away since then, what with living with him now. He noticed his hair, strands sticking out as of glued together. Hilariously enough his mind went to Power, it took a while for him to realise that it was blood. Courtesy of this mornings mission. 

"Why not care for it?", he says pointing at his head. 

Angel stares at him for a while, the sombreness of his face complimenting the night. Aki thinks about a months ago in the same balcony Angel instigated the idea to quit smoking in his head. 

"I could-" 

He stops himself. He could what, wash it for him. Without meaning to Aki imagines his own bare fingers running through the strands, reaching the nape of his neck. Palm gently running across his shoulder blades and enclosing above his collarbone, taking in every inch. Thumb sliding down his neck, leaning down and burning his nose deep in the back of his head, as his thumbs trace down his spine all the way to the tailbone, mapping its way to his waist. 

He inhales deeply, acting distracted by the noise coming from the street, the night still very much alive. 

"It's a bother." 

Aki nods, knowing nothing better to do. 

Angel reaches out, shifting closer before running his fingers across his cheekbone then sliding across his hairline, pushing back the loose hair behind his ear. Aki realizes he's wearing his hair down and thinks about Angel's comment on his annoying top knot. 

"Don't mind me." 

I won't. He doesn't say out loud. The silence persists, pressuring around them, begging to be addressed. Angel smiles, bringing a gloved finger to Aki's nose, it's so unnaturally childish but Aki returns the smile nonetheless. Over his eyebrows, his jawline and finally to his lips, pausing for a moment as he rests his thumb at edge almost as if he was drawing a mental map. Angel leans in a little before stopping himself. Aki's breath caught in his tongue, his brain begging to push him away, pull him closer, feel him inch by inch against his skin, to lean further until there's no distance between them, until his ribs fill in the hollow spaces of his own, until their lips-