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Chapter Text

Sunoo peeled his eyes open , the pounding headache not doing him any favor . He awoke to sore muscles , especially his limbs , functioning really faulty , and his senses are fading off to sleep mode . Their manager reminded them all up double early for a promotional magazine shoot on their latest album Dimension : Answer , and also their mini variety session recording later . They even scheduled an impromptu practice video shooting for the night , as well as some quirky behind the scenes for the fans that had been entertainment deprived .

He waddled off to the bathroom , seeing dark circles under his eyes while expecting it from the start already . What he did not expect were the pinkish rashes along his nape to a little lower down the chest region , and some on his thighs . They weren't too obvious , nor were they itchy or painful , but the stiff lumps in his own flesh had him slightly scared . So he massaged himself for a few minutes straight in the shower , until hearing Ni-ki's informal calls , the younger being his usual targeting self . It eased off — the lumps did , or maybe it was his psychology doing the trick .

In the van , he placed himself in between a moody Ni-ki and a quiet Sunghoon . Sunoo felt out of place , again , especially now that Ni-ki doesn't like displaying any form of affection towards him anymore unlike before , and that Sunghoon is as indifferent as always . He doesn't blame them , it's just that on a Monday five in the morning with some weird colds hanging weights on him , he can't help but feel quite bad for himself . The van ride's awfully quiet , only hushed whispers in the back row from Jay and Jungwon being their usual comfortable selves . Sunoo dozed off thinking how he wished it was like those fan edits display — close , comfortable , affectionate . Because in private , he couldn't feel more awkward than he already does . Don't get him wrong , they are pretty good friends off camera as well , but they weren't as close as fans expect , especially with how the others have already found closer members during I-land while Sunoo was stuck in Ground , never once not voted out .

They arrived at the studio around five thirty , less than an hour before the shooting appointment starts , all members stumbling their ways into the building with puffy faces and weary expressions . Heesung side-eyed an awfully down Sunoo , leaving himself to wonder why the younger was this exhausted before the day even started . It didn't look like Sunoo was just lethargic because it's too early , like Jungwon or Jake , no . He looked out of it — brows furrowed and cold sweat covering his forehead , lips quite pale and eyes unfocused while he followed the stylist away to fix his complexion with some thicker cosmetics . But , that being said , at the same time as well it didn't look too awfully bad , so Heesung brushed it off as him being too much , from the guilt after watching a short video saying how he quite oftenly lacks affection towards a certain sunshine of the group . It wasn't like he meant to , but he had his own members that he doesn't feel as awkward with , and Sunoo won't take it to heart either way .

Once all makeups and stylings are settled , Sunoo kept his bag at the very end of the long couch , eyes tracking down their photographer's every move . He was wrecked . Extremely . He didn't feel ready at all , the nerves just banging down his skull . He hadn't felt this pressured , not since few years ago when he was outside the emergency room preparing to sleep before the surgery . It was this that he widened his eyes a little — shit . His lungs . It explained why he felt sore to the bones , or why his voice sounded so airy and rough , his chest all tight and pressured . But what about the lumps ? What were those ? Before he could think any further , a round-eyed Jungwon jabbed at his arm , motioning to a crew of staffs staring straight at him .

“Sorry .” he sensed the stares from his own members linger behind his back as the photographer quite harshly grabs at his wrist , pulling him to the center with crazily bright large lamps striking straight in his face . The direct and wide light left his eyes squinting and hurting , with an additional want to throw up in that moment . He only pursed his lips and clenched his jaws in hopes that the nausea would go away soon enough . They do , thank god .

He posed according to examples by the crew for some good minutes , before getting hauled up away by the same photographer . It hurt . As if the middle-aged man had dug his fingers into Sunoo's flesh , or his nails clawed at his skin . Either way , it hurt so bad , but the red fingerprints on his pale skin were left unnoticed by Sunoo . The man indicated for the members to all stand and move to the center , shadowing away a thrown aside Sunoo , as he'd been pushed to the very side for "aesthetic purposes" . Sunoo didn't mind at all , since his visuals weren't most appealing in the group , with few of them simultaneously being the well-known handsome member , and some other having their glow-ups or specialness in their looks , while he had only heard of his visuals heading downhill ever since the end of I-land . He agreed , he had been failing diets one after another , his cheeks weren't even chubby anymore , it was round and hideous . He'd also probably never wear any clothes revealing his stomach either . Being so off-course in his own little world , he didn't notice being pulled further away to the side , even blending in to the taller members at the back while he stood lower .

He too , didn't notice the looks on the members' faces . For example — how Jay frowned so hard he looked twice as intimidating , or how Sunghoon even tilted his head towards the photographer in a less calm manner . Not just that , even the usually passive Heesung had bit his cheek unconsciously while his eyes trace down the out of place redness on their Sunoo's arms . Before they knew anything else , the voice of that photographer boomed to remind them to pose and smile , taking few shots and clicks at once before allowing them to return to their seats . Heesung , after settling down next to Sunoo , left the couch momentarily and held the younger's hands as if guiding the him back before pulling him off to the washroom with the “Excuse us for a moment” basic comment and leaving Jake to go get his solo pictures taken first .

Sunoo's mind completely faltered when Heesung , their usual composed and smiley hyung , had pulled him straight out of the studio with his dark brows pinched in the middle . He couldn't help but doubt his performance , worried if he had messed up so bad that even Heesung was angry .

“You good ?” a face shoved in front of his made Sunoo's thoughts shatter to nowhere as he flinched hard he nearly pushed Heesung away . “Yeah , I'm okay , hyung . What's wrong ?” to be completely truthful , he's almost sure he sounded near the verge of cracking his voice . His legs wobbled .

“Did it hurt a lot ?”
Sunoo tilted his head , utterly confused .
Heesung took that as a sign to continue pressing , “Your wrist is red Sunoo . Does it still hurt ? I can let manager know if you feel uncomfortable , ya'know ?”

Sunoo shifted both his eyes from a weirdly comforting Heesung down to his two hands , which looked so pale and purple with veins he got quite shocked . Then he saw those red circles around his wrists . “Ah… I'm good , hyung . It doesn't hurt .” To which Heesung only responded with an unconvincing hum . Sunoo tried to brush it off by joking , “I'm just too pale hyung !” and he successfully earned a light slap on his back .

The remaining hours of the magazine shoot went okay . Excluding the fact that Sunoo felt his body leaning towards completely shutting down on him . His head felt too heavy , his throat stinging and his chest thumping a little too uncomfortably .

But he's alright .

Chapter Text

He is in fact not alright . His head was spinning , his chest rising double the pace of the others from his effort in breathing but to no avail . The music seemed to be even more bass boosted than usual , quick and slow at the most random times .
“—Sunoo . Sunoo-hyung .” he snapped out of his very own trance when he heard Jungwon repeat his name , followed by a question he came to detest , “Do you need a break ? You can sit if you're unwell , hyung .”

He turned around to stare back at their stares , a small upturn crawling up on his lips while he took note of their sudden care . Sunoo shook his head slightly for a couple of times before brushing it off and reassuring them of his so-called fine health , and though some of the stares softened while others looked away , he could still spot lingering glances passed around in the rehearsal room every now and then . He felt ashamed , neck heated either from his own embarrassment or the rashes that started to itch after those rounds of sweating . It wasn't the first time he'd left the rest concerned about his stamina , despite the times he tried to explain that it was all in the past and that he wasn't anymore an ill kid . He appreciated the fact they'd look out for his health , but having to interrupt the pacing of their schedules for his own lack of strength was something he had despised since day one . And that was his fault to carry alone .

Jake stared hard , and if one's gaze could burn a hole , Sunoo's skull would be drilled apart . He couldn't help but get distracted during the music video dance recording , nearly messing up in between too , but Sunoo looked too sickly for him to not worry about — those thin fingers trembling mid air , and that nearly blueish complexion of the younger's if not for the water break they were offered . They were given a hasty ten-minutes water break by the monitoring staffs , them rambling on how the boys are too lazy on a fine day . So Jake took the opportunity to get near the younger , stopping right in front of him and leaning towards the side as if he was in a difficult position , stiff and tensed as if he hadn't spent couple of years with him already . Jake lifted his hand , halting mid-air for a good ten or so seconds in a dilemma , before brushing his fingers into Sunoo's loose hair . “Hey ,” it was awkward .

Sunoo lifted his head in surprise , since Jake isn't usually this cozy around him . He even suspected that all his fake brightness had actually pushed his members further away from him instead , making them uncomfortable to spend time with him . It wouldn't be a surprise to hear them questioning his personality , if he'd faked everything from day one for the sake of attention , or if he was being a total hindrance , because no one actually appreciates having a nagging annoyance in their lives every single day . But now , a slightly panting Jake is playing with his hair and checking up on him , rendering him quite wordless . Jake's eyes stayed glued at his hair while he slid his fingers just like weaving through soft cotton , mumbling towards the younger without looking him in the eyes , “You looking a little bad today, huh ?”

Sunoo retorted , frowning upon the older and accidentally whined a “Hyung!” a little too loud , attracting a few head turns . Jake chuckled in response , his eyes trailing downwards and not leaving the younger at all , “I'm serious , Sunoo . If you're feeling unwell , let us know , okay ?”
And though his words were laced with apparent concern , Sunoo still brushed it off with his usual commercialized smile , all bright and wide . It didn't help to ease Jake's worry , but they had to stop the conversation right there and then for the shooting had to continue .

At a certain point during the whole re-recording and nth's take , Sunoo had already reached lethargy to feeling completely numbed towards any sense of discomfort , stinging pain coming from every single part of his body for hours until it actually started to feel as if his body was originally this heavy . The dance went on and on , legs lifted off the ground and stomping back on , arms flailing around , heads turning and shifting — his muscles were desperately on autopilot mode . Barely five seconds into their , like , tenth run , he spun to catch a sight of Jay stumbling around , nearly facepalming onto the ground with his arms out to hold the weight . Sunoo disregarded the recording , lifting him up and collecting nearly every person's stare . Jay had given him some light taps on the back of his hand , which had very much so inconveniently turned white over holding up a grown man's body , reassuring the younger that he merely tripped over some scattered cables on the floor . Sunoo's stare lacked no concern , looking as if he was doubtful and the worry had not been concealed especially with the way he leaned into Jay's space .

Frankly , Jay was never that keen on physical affection or just touching — especially Sunoo . He'd laugh or tease the younger by any means or with Sunghoon , but just not huge on actual displays of love . Yet Sunoo had been the first to help him out , or to care by his side without a word . He felt… somewhat guilty .

The dance practice recording went on until around twelve midnight , the same exact song repeating and repeating for countless of hours , completely draining all their energies dry . Even Ni-ki , their usual energetic dance leader who never seemed to rest when it came to practices and stages , complained in dissatisfaction . Sunoo felt gross , he was sweating so much his shirt was in a state not too far from total transparency , and his head weighted like never before , leaving him a whole mess , even more with every rep . At one point he considered himself the sole reason the members were still here struggling with each takes just because he himself couldn't get anything right . Messing up the footwork , ruining the rhythm and patterns , not able to make it to his position after a switch in time , being unsynchronized with the rest , a whole load of burden right there and so .

It's so unfair , he thought . He had to accept loss and the fact is that his stamina never really recovered or strengthened in the way it should've been if compared to every other person . His thigh muscles were giving up , his arms and shoulders strained so hard they won't even lift any further , and his breathing was starting to falter . It felt as if his subconscious was the only thing awake , the rest succumbed to the dark waters above his lungs and pressing down on his throat , making it not just difficult but impossible to take any breaths . Directly saying , he was drowning . His whole body was malfunctioning and sinking deep .

He heard a harsh swear from one of the older ones , probably Jay , or maybe it was Ni-ki . Whoever it was doesn't matter , because Sunoo fucked up . He felt his steps pause , and he froze mid-rerun , standing still just like the complete idiot he is , incapable of comparing , incapable of catching up , a miserable joke . No matter how he rushed himself he just couldn't work anymore and he panicked . He panicked so hard he forgot to breathe , chest compressing down even more on himself and contracting , he even forgot how to move .

Someone called out to him , someone with a voice so unfamiliar , and Sunoo doesn't want to answer . Before he rested his eyes , he heard a thud so loud from behind his head , and it sounded so far away . There were some voices all around , quite distorted , so he finally rested without a thought . Oh , actually there was one last thought — ‘I should apologize to the members later’ .

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Ni-ki was distraught over how long this whole recording had taken . Hours , just for one dance routine they had ran through over and over again to a point it was expected to be carved into their muscles . And it wasn't easy either to suppress the boiling annoyance after having to watch Sunoo struggle with a dance at parts he never did before , especially with the fact that the older was supposed to be have a so called natural talent when it comes to stages . Now what was he showing the cameras ? A perfect standard of how errors look like , tripping and stopping all over the routines , footwork and arms as if tangled . Ni-ki had given up trying to find excuses for him , because Sunoo wasn't the only person exhausted in that room — everyone was , wasn't it ?

Sunghoon wasn't actually angry or impatient , although his want to get the whole recording over with was hard to resist , and it had been bugging him since some hours ago , spotting discoloration on Sunoo's skin . It wasn't obvious enough to convince him that there was an actual problem , but wasn't fading at all to say otherwise , so he had been glueing his eyes on the younger's back almost the entire night if he were honest . The longer they had pushed towards the late night , the paler Sunoo had looked . But then again , Jay was sweating and all red , even Ni-ki was struggling to keep up the energy , so what could be expected of Sunoo with his stamina being a tad bit lower than most ? Sunghoon was concerned for a fact , but wasn't planning on exaggerating his worries for no apparent reasons at all , as he had blocked back the urge to pass out on the floor himself .

But it wasn't until he watch this so called joy of his life fall to a ringing thud right behind him that he actually initiated any signs of care . Sunoo had tripped , or so he had tried to convince himself firstly — yet the younger wasn't making a sound , nor trying to get up . Sunoo looked completely paralyzed on the ground . His eyes were wide open , unfocused but he was right there , still watching , motionless though . And Sunghoon's body had reacted far quicker than his brain did , nearly lunging forward to whatever effort it was in catching the younger's body . He stood in an inconvenient position , a sharp consistent spark in his ears while the room had went into a silence . He couldn't fathom out what could've been done , or what had even took place . All he felt was the heavy , sinking , swallowing sensation buried deep in the pit of his stomach . All for Kim Sunoo .

Yet before anyone else could've reacted any sooner , Jay already had his arms wrapped around the unconscious younger's head . He moved more so frantic , arms caging the younger's head as if shielding him from any other harm .

It didn't take a mind reader to see exactly how devastated he looked , frenzied and helpless right there kneeling on the ground . The staffs , only left of three or four for the night , had paced right straight towards them and leaving all unattended . They weren't inexperienced at handling mishaps or emergency events like such , but they weren't foolish enough to not notice the blueing complexion of the immovable boy . They thought he could've collapsed over lethargy since the busy day , or low sugar level , but he wasn't even stirring , just mere twitches from the tips of his purplish fingers , that being the sole muscle he was able to lift . It wasn't long until Heesung moved past their frozen leader , brushing against his shoulder slightly and waking Jungwon up from the trance . They weren't planning to crowd around Sunoo , but they couldn't just leave him there on the floor — they had to see him , to see if he's alright or if he's going to get alright .

But he wasn't , and the horror they were forced to witness was quite unbearable . Sunoo was spasming , gasping and his eyes pleading for help because his damned muscles were solid stiff . He seemed to have fucking forced his locked jaw open , inhaling although his throat was closed and no air seemed to pass through . Everyone around stayed to watch , all unable to help until the ambulance had came , but that was a matter of minutes still . He convulsed right on the floor , back thudding and elbows hitting with a harsh strength , yet he couldn't feel it . It was numbed , barely , more like ants simultaneously crawling and stinging his every flesh . Sunoo felt both awake and dreamlike , had felt like a lucid dream he'd get years ago in the hospital , eyes watering yet unable to blink , or he was able to , it was maybe just his subconsciousness tricking him of unreasonableness .

Jay felt his hand swaying right front of his shirt , looking as if trying to get a hold on his buttons . He grabbed onto the hand , as if it'd make him feel any better , with half the strength disappearing from circling Sunoo's head . He had mumbled , though towards the younger , it sounded as if he were talking to himself , “Sunoo-ya , don't joke around like this .” But Sunoo looked absolutely terrified , eyes zooming out and back in , head jolted right down to the concrete floor with a thump . Jay , being at closest proximity , wrapped his hands around the younger's head once again , coaxing him to breathe and assuring him he's alright . Though , Jay wasn't sure , with how the things looked , especially with his own tears threatening to fall right on the convulsing man under him .

Jay had still stayed in the same position , not willing to budge even with the staffs circling around them . His arms froze nearly mid-air when Sunoo started to spasm , looking with nothing but fear , his mouth seemed to have dried . He naturally assumed it wasn't able to get any worse , until the his Sunoo was staring straight at him for help . And the blood he watched drip out of the corners of the younger's mouth was petrifying . He felt his own blood wash cold , surging towards his heart and fueling it with utter wreck . The blood had splattered towards his clothes and sleeves a little too , with Sunoo's body experiencing shocks and jolts every few seconds . Jay couldn't hold it back , holding him right into his chest uncaring of all the blood , for desperate calls .

“Sunoo ? Can you hear me ? Sunoo, please ,” frankly , the members heard this phrase from Jay all the way to until the ambulance came , said man holding onto the limp body so tightly , his shoulders and arms rounded just to fit a slowly paralyzing boy . The ambulance came and went in a blur , with the members all blocked from following any further , especially with how crowds packed at the building entrance .

They were ushered back home , staffs canceling the recording and posting a notice overnight after noticing how quickly the news spread although they'd done all they possibly could at blocking rumors and so . Heesung never thought a day would come where he has to feel this weight of a burden , the heaviness wearying down in his heart to pound at his skull and haunt him . But of course , he was too busy at assuring the youngers that Sunoo would be just alright , hypocrisy obvious when he himself was scared out of his mind .

Their road manager persisted on staying with them in their apartment the entire night , blocking each of them from rushing to the hospital — especially Jay . Jay was furious , being all loud at asking why they weren't allowed to be there for their friend , even spouting harsh words and worst cases . It hurt their manager too , to see them so distraught yet hopeful at his recovery , when he knew it was looking terrible already . At every notification , he would frown , feeling the omen of what would happen , a part where he had to be the one to let those young boys know they just lost a dear person , a part where he had to swallow his conscience and mask all tears . But there wasn't any updates from the staffs at the hospital any after the first hour arriving . It was like Sunoo's condition froze in that emergency room , with the last condition update being a “Its not sounding so good . I'll let you know soon , put the boys to sleep before tomorrow” . And that was it . Sunoo's parents were no where to be contacted , his sister's phone shut too . Doesn't this just sound like a very ruthless joke played on them ?

The manager stood antsy the entire guarding hours , with six pairs of eyes on him nearly every second , ears perking at every sound of notifications . The hours fly by like it had meant nothing , and before he knew , he'd already shut his eyes to a night's rest — to a decision he'd regret so harshly .

The clock shifted to nearly four in the morning , the boys either back in their room asleep , or huddled on the couch in waiting . There were exchanges of tears during the night , forceful reassurances although no one believed even their own words , and affections shared with Sunoo hogging their entire thoughts . All's pretty much asleep , even if it wasn't very deep . Jungwon's worry had gotten way past his head to let him properly rest , which is why when his a phone buzzed for several rounds had woken him up completely , the it silenced . He sat up , straight and quick , hair tossed to the back with a band and eyes squinted in the effort to push back exhaustion . The taunt on his physical and mental health the entire day had taken not just quite a toll on his body , but barely few more mishaps away from granting him a complete breakdown .

The mishap mentioned , came quicker than he'd ever wish for . Mishap said , his phone rang and the melody travelled through all ears , in the meantime waking Heesung and Sunghoon up . He answered , fast paced seeing the contact being one of the employees accompanying Sunoo currently . All scenarios possible ran through his head , praying for the best . God had completely given up on them , he felt , when answering the call himself meant hearing the words , nonchalantly ,
“If your manager's still with you all , you should head here now since Kim Sunoo's parents are waiting for you all to visit before they remove life support , let him know alright ?”

Jungwon felt his blood go cold , raising his eyebrows while his mouth's left agape in slight . He never felt this mistreated , this devastated , this awful . His own friend , his partner , this beautiful person he had loved so badly , left without a word . Reality never felt this cruel before , Sunoo's smiles flashing in his line of thoughts uncontrollably . He wished it would stop , he wished it would not remind him how great of a person Sunoo was because if he weren't lovable , Jungwon wouldn't have to hurt . But he was so precious , so he had to hurt .

Sunghoon caught his leader holding a phone by his ear , tears pooling riskily in his eyes not willing to fall . “Jungwon-ah…” he knew , with just one glance . He knew what could've happened , he knew what would happen , and he knew how he felt . Ridiculous .

Heesung lend an arm out , pulling Jungwon into an embrace . He too , understood what could've possibly been told to Jungwon , but he wanted to deny it until he hears it himself . “What's wrong ? What's wrong , tell me please ?”

Jungwon left his phone unlocked , both hands grasping at Heesung's shirt on the back into two fists . He was gasping for air , failing to compose himself or even sound a word — everything was gone , everything was ruined . His head wasn't anymore just in a daze , he was pushed head first into a freezing tub of water , choking and gurgling inside . How would one tell the difference between death and on life support ? When Sunoo's already gone , unresponsive and probably suffering hooked up to machines because no one was ready to let him pass yet .

He hadn't thought of the words to tell , when he too was unsure of what he could do . So he said instead , “They're asking us to go now ,” , when it should've been about that Sunoo's on life support , ready to be let go once we arrived .

It was almost as if they were waiting for us before killing him off . Drowning their sun gone .

Chapter Text

The hospital's drug spread it's bitter scent all across the spaces , and it had smelt of medicines and coldness . The ride to this hell of a grievance was silent , only suppressed sobs hiding in the sound of wind . Futures were really a topic of uncertainty , be it blessings or curses with each possibility rising and falling to no one's might . Picturing , one could die or wake the hour after , interchangeable events taking place in each's lives without a cause or a saying . One second earlier they were laughing and dancing their hearts out , the next they're crying their blood loose . And to think this was never a joke from the start — the death of their loved , was a fact , it hurt more than words could depict . The person who hung the night stars robbed the lights away gone , that feeling .

No one dared to move when they witnessed a family inside , embraced in one another's arms and crying their heart out — Sunoo's family . Jungwon watched as Sunoo's father had to keep both arms around his mother so she wouldn't fall , and how his sister stood by the bed with an unreadable expression . If they were feeling this awful , this… cracked , wouldn't his parents feel millions of that ?

The boys stood frozen , all eyes glued right front and bloodshot , faces red from both tears and the chilling night . They feared the idea of facing Sunoo this way , of seeing the boy's face bloodless , ripped apart and sewn back on . Someone , probably Ni-ki , since nobody paid much attention , broke the defeating silence , voice cracking at the end to force a question no one's prepared for ; “Can we see Sunoo hyung ?”

Can we ? Heesung blinked . He wanted , so badly , to barge in there , in hopes of seeing Sunoo all fine if just everything was a cruel prank , one to capture and show their supposedly group love . But he just had to see the machines hooked around their pretty boy , tubes stuck and ventilator glued to him for dear life — Sunoo's almost gone . Almost gone — gone when they stepped into that white hallway , gone they knew as soon as the family stared straight into their faces as if reminding them of how hilariously huge of failures they are .

Almost gone , when it hasn't been that long since they walked this path together , has it ? He's gone before they could take home awards , before they could achieve greater than every each , before they could have more time together .

It felt like , or maybe it had been , some hours before the family left the door open while they stare . Both elderlies near collapsing to even pay attention to the small crowd outside the ward . Sunoo's sister however , gave them a nod , and whispered so they'd go see her brother . Sunghoon wanted to hold it against her for being this straightforward when she muttered “He’s probably asking for you guys now . Go see him , yeah ?”

But as she pulled him aside , just him alone , he could only force his hands into fists , scared and anxious . She fiddled around with her bag before she lifted a flat parcel , putting it in his arms . “Sunoo bought this for your birthday , you should let him know you've got it .” Sunghoon had heard of this sister of Sunoo's for quite some times , her voice not too unfamiliar , yet her tones were in that very moment . She intimidated him , for once he'd admit , or probably because he was guilty of indirectly causing the death of her dear brother the second he neglected Sunoo .

Sunghoon entered the ward just in time to catch Heesung begging the lifeless body , begging so desperately along the lines of some promises that he'd buy him all the mint chocolates if he doesn't leave . It was painful . He walked silently with a hand clutching onto the parcel so tightly , seeing Sunoo too fucking sickly , laying there unmoving . He gripped dearly onto the boy's hand , the right specifically , where he had worn the same old ring from before . The ring . Sunghoon's handmade ring , worn from day one to now , now when he was expected to flatline and have the bare collapsing last ounces of life sucked right out .

It was then that Sunghoon acknowledged just how fucking cruel they all were , living with this boy long enough to spot all details of his , yet still not admitting to having seen the weight he had fell to . Sunoo's body , it was like skin wrapping bones , no flesh and no blood . His stomach sunk slightly in , ribcage flat but still bigger than that pinched waist . His limbs , arms , thighs , calves , were all of different sizes , different yet in the same way small . Sunoo wasn't this small , was he ? Thin to a point it would be a miracle to have survived this if he did , but since he didn't .

Sunghoon bent forward , brushed past all others and leaving trails of his vision on all inches of the motionless body , just to murmur in his ear , “I've got your gift , Sunoo-ya . Thank you ,” He wanted to keep a calm composure , at least while speaking to his favorite boy . But his voice just had to betray him as it trembled along every word , until it cracked . “You know…” he trailed of . His nose was burning , like spice stuffed right front and blocked , his throat was closing shut on him so he wouldn't swallow the tears , he found it hard to speak , yet he forced it anyway , “I’d love it better if you gave me the present yourself , dear . This is quite insincere , isn't it ?”

He regretted saying that . With that alone , he managed to once again remind all that the very minute they leave that room , leave Sunoo alone behind , his machines will shut off , and his heart will completely falter to an eternal stop . Sunoo wouldn't have any chance at waking , at recovering , not to mention passing him the gift himself . Sunghoon felt his hands freezing at the tip , heart shattered to accompany Sunoo on his leave for one last round , as his words played a shudder and sob act on Jay .

Straightly speaking , Jay doesn't actually feel as comfortable with Sunoo . It isn't as if he dislikes the younger , or that Sunoo isn't compatible with him personality-wise . It's the complete opposite — Jay finds him too adorable , and quite pure too . Not in the innocent and harmless comparison , also not in the Ni-ki way absolutely , but just a rather good companion to have around . Jay adores Sunoo , he knows that himself as well , but he realizes somehow he just couldn't bring himself to keep an eye contact with Sunoo , or even spend a one-on-one with him . It was usually rounds and rounds of teasing or acknowledgement of each other's abilities , but never actually affectionate . At least not enough for Jay now .

Not enough memories , when he knelt on the floor unable to move . Not enough love before , when he had to beg Sunoo not to leave when he already had . His heart felt as if it were to rip and tear apart beneath him , himself not able to stomach a simple fact that his Sunoo died before anything could be processed . He buried his face onto the boy's waist so gently , as if he'd hurt if he pressed any harder . What a joke . He wished he had done this before he couldn't anymore now . He didn't turn back when hearing footsteps fade off in the background , and the ward door close in a slow noise . They were allowing him time , so he took it . Took it to pester Sunoo with small , barely traceable affections , as it was the best he could for now . For now , though now being the last chance he could possibly get . It didn't and wouldn't matter , as long as he could watch Sunoo for one last moment , delivering all words of attachment he failed to do so , pressing little pecks on the back of that pale hand . He left , not bearing to leave his eyes watching him anymore after the goodbye was bid .

They took turns to leave and return to the ward , giving one another their own space to speak a farewell before they couldn't . It was like they knew each other's little traits and characteristics , not able to express all if eyes were on them . So Sunghoon took the second place , spending minutes in there to trace his thumb on Sunoo's face , holding his hands and speaking to him though he knew best he was getting no responses . He couldn't say a proper goodbye , not even to the last second before stepping out to allow Jungwon in , with his words being of love , not parting . He couldn't , he wouldn't . Both his conscience and conscious were begging him to not accept the fact , not as if Sunoo could stand right in front and tease him of words he wouldn't have said because it was embarrassing . Right ?

Jungwon notices smaller things — things like , Sunoo's chest were rising in rhythm although slow and tender , despite unable to breathe on his own . The machine stabbed in his flesh was pumping it up and down , so carefully as if it had a life and thought of its own to not hurt the body . He noticed as well the scattering bruises on the older's knees down and up his thin legs , almost like flowers just not holding as beautiful meanings . It was painful to keep looking , but Jungwon kept looking either way . He couldn't afford wasting one more second , even though his mouth kept shut the entire visit . He had lost all abilities to speak , so his mind did the detailing . Detailing of Sunoo's importance in his life , detailing of how much he loves him and how it had and would hurt because his hyung is leaving . Mimicking the first two members , he too left a kiss on the middle of his hand , signing off the endearment.

At Heesung , he would totally admit he never spent much time alone with the younger , unless it's a group activities . He's usually either goofing around with the older few , or busy adoring Jungwon , to actually see Sunoo . Now he does see him — complexion ashy , eyes shut forever , lips blue and purple , nearly fading to a very pale brown yet lacking hue . He felt the strongest sense of regret he had ever been through in this god awful life of his , the guilt eating him up for not being able to love this person as dearly as he should've been loved before he went . He carefully cupped the small hands in his , painting circles on the skin to lighten the tone for a second before it washes off to the blueish color once again . Being the eldest , he said a lot — had told the boy , his sweet love , to rest well , to watch over them , to smile more and remember them . He told him too , promising that he'd think of him as much as he could , to visit him , and to bring home trophies just for a certain Kim Sunoo . He made promises he swore to keep ,
because everyone understood — they'd never see Sunoo again . Not as long as they live while he goes .

Jake was afraid to enter the suffocating cage once again , it had felt violent . The air , the painted body , the colors — all dragged across the picture of death . It had resembled a scene right out of some horror films , not full of actions , but full of white lies and theories . It had felt , in the most gruesome way , cinematic . Sunoo had said life was each's movies , them starring in their very own . He recalled to his agreeing nods , and now in Jake's movie , this very episode , felt like the peak of panic . A silent , caging one at that , two palms pushing and clamming his heart into a locked treasure box , abandoning it to sink in the sea and feed the dark ground . Without Sunoo , it was as if the world had shook to an exaggeration of lost . Well , it wouldn't be cruel to think Jake would've not survived that rollercoaster of a show back then , entering the arena with the same boy he had to watch die . His head was locked out of his body , unable to make sane choices for him . The others were concerned to look , when he stood at the end of that bed , staring straight down at Sunoo .

They'd understand , Jake's way of coping was probably less movements . It was easy to obtain , with Jake uttering no more words after a few simple ones . He was standing , slightly tilted left , body awfully straight and tense . His shoulders risen with his chest , his hands fisting at the sides of his sweatpants . He was crying , teeth gnawing at his flesh . He wanted to kneel and apologize , he also wanted to say goodbye , yet he did none of those . He stared right ahead at the same person he watched grow , realizing how different Sunoo looked . The younger was now wearing an indifferent , asleep mask — lashes prettily resting on his cheeks , cheeks he grew to love pinching , lips jutted slightly to form a pout which Jake'd say it's adorable if not for the fact that his lips were lifeless looking . He couldn't stand it anymore . So he left , again with no words spoken . Sunoo wouldn't blame him , that he knew .

Ni-ki stepped in last . He wore such a worn out expression he nearly looked no less sick than Sunoo in that recording , which would scare the rest if they weren't too blinded by tears . The youngest shut the door right after entering , moving that plastic chair to beside Sunoo and sitting with a slight squeak . He regretted growing up , letting this facade of pride and assumptions get in their relationship . He remembered how he used to wake to Sunoo's figure , spending and wasting minutes talking away in their own worlds on bed . That habit washed away , but Ni-ki misses it still . He held that same hand into his , his fingers painting lines onto Sunoo's joints and veins . Ni-ki said so much , yet so little — varying from how he had felt when he watched his hyung fall , to his plans for their futures . It ended with a simple , quite cheerful actually , “bye-bye” , and it honestly teared his own heart apart .

They were done with goodbyes , and Sunoo was done struggling .
They had to let him go , now .

Chapter Text

It was horrible , horrible and terrifying . To witness , what , a murder ? Sunoo's body twitches before convulsing , with his last breath robbed away in that moment . The beeping stopped to a long line , before those people in white turned it off to return an insufferable silence once again . Someone was crying really loudly , falling to the ground underneath them and holding their head before they collapse straight down . It was so , so difficult to watch the barely remaining traces of life in Sunoo get stripped off so violently , to a point his body jolted and fell to complete limp . His chest wasn't weakly pumping anymore , his fingertips still and not twitching . He was dead , gone and forever so .

It had felt cruel , in their perspectives . To be the last of what Sunoo's time is spent on .

Sunghoon felt as if it was too unreasonable — Sunoo was fine . He was completely fine , up and strong , the entire day . While he admitted to not paying much attention towards the younger , he remembered hearing Sunoo all day . So he asked . He left the ward abruptly , just to return with an even grimmer expression .

Sunoo must've felt incredibly awful , yet opened up to no one . Why would he not ? Sunghoon couldn't help but doubt their relationship , doubt if Sunoo felt too distant . Were they cold to him ? Were they neglectful ? They probably were , that's why .

Jungwon stepped outside the ward first after they stayed put watching over a motionless Sunoo , seeing his parents still on the waiting benches . He made his way over , tear stricken trying to swallow the hiccups . He was ready to apologize , for being such a helpless leader , for being such a disappointing friend , but Sunoo's mother pulled him against her shoulder before he could . Grief seemed to come too strongly — like unexpected waves during a surf , or like a storm on vacation . Death of one loved , makes most if not all , vulnerable . And Jungwon never felt as vulnerable as he did in that embrace .

Sunoo's parents stood up seeing Jungwon , what a kind kid , stepping out of where their son was resting , with nothing but anguish . Poor child , they thought . Sunoo's mother opened her arms to a trembling leader , brushing his hair like how she'd do her son's . She said some lines of pity , comfort , and understanding , although she had just lost her own son . Jungwon rubbed circles onto her back , listening as the woman whispered to let him know it was going to get better . It wasn't , how could it get better ?

“I need Sunoo , I need him , please ,”
They all do .

Devastation consumed the hours while they slept in the hospital . The midnight flew by in a mess , the time curling and ever changing , as if it passed so slow yet so quick . It passed , and they now had to deal with the funeral . They had to help out with their love's funeral , to let him go , knowing full well no one was ready for that at all . They had to watch as Sunoo leave completely , leave them all and disappear . They knew once after , they'd have to deal with a team without that boy , no more seeing his smiles or hearing his laughs while they live .

This haunted them .

They returned home , remorse over their shoulders . Felt like a fever dream , didn't it ? While walking towards the empty beds , seeing as they cleaned up his bed and cleared his clothes to be brought to the funeral . It was nauseating , all day long . With his death that they had to just accept with open hearts , bidding farewells after he'd already gone along leaving them so far behind .

“Oh, Sunoo…” someone muttered , before a little polaroid picture was in Heesung's hand . How pretty — Sunoo was . And how happy they were in that moment , all smiles in a way they could hear the laughter from that picture itself .

“Jay hyung , is this yours ?” Jungwon swung a blue outerwear towards Jay , while the latter hummed in response . He took it , looked at it , and slipped it on . He remembered to have lent Sunoo the jacket since the younger complimented it so much , fondness written all over his blushed face . It still brought along Sunoo's faint perfume scent .

Jake recalled almost nothing , because he did nearly everything in autopilot — he was blanking out because neither of them could handle Sunoo's death so quickly . He was only slightly aware that their manager had drove them to the hospital once again after they changed into black and white wears , taking naps in the vehicle while Sunoo followed in their dreams .

When they arrived , there were already crowds of reporters and paparazzi out there , some even barged into the hospital but blocked from going anywhere further . Jay was furious ; couldn't they understand that they had just lost a loved one ? All blasted across media social were Sunoo , Kim Sunoo and Enhypen . Everyone was quick , quick to spread the news , quick to mourn , even quicker to hate and ridicule . The haters were celebrating their sweet , sweet Sunoo's death — cheering because he left , or doubting if this was a strange method of publicity stunt .

Their guards helped to pave a way for the boys to enter without clashing against the crowd , the loud and earsplitting noises of screams as well as camera flashes blinding everyone . It was entirely a state of pure panic , the anxiousness rising to bubble in their throats and leaving faint tastes of bittersweetness .

Sunoo was all dressed and ready , his complexion still so fair , but flushed with some light makeup . He looked just as wonderful , no doubt a visual everyone agreed on . And he just… looked beautiful . As beautiful as one could get at death's door , breath buried and eyes shut . Jay went first , leaning towards the sleeping boy to brush his hair away from his closed eyes , a bitter smile on his face while he pressed a kiss on Sunoo's forehead . He never does anything like so , but he felt obligated to . If he didn't , he won't be able to anymore .

Jungwon tailed behind him , suddenly frozen in spot . They were all crying , whether or not they cried out loud . “Hyung , we'll miss you ,”

Sunghoon stepped up and pressed his body lightly against the hospital bed , unable to make a sentence because there was a gaping hole in his abdomen . Jake placed a hand on his shoulder while Ni-ki stood without a word as well , all gazing down at their Sunoo . The boy's father stepped into the room soon enough , voice rough but quiet while he notified ,
“We can bring him home now ,”

Chapter Text

The muffled wailings echoed to what their minds perceived , a longing , tormenting swell of mourning . There were pleads to return the boy back to their lives , the perceptions of impossibility seemingly lost in the ocean of loss . Often times a fact disguised as unbearable to one could be misinterpreted as sorrowful , yet in that instance , one could only learn to swallow what reality readied .

To the boys hiding away their faces , they would've never thought of feeling this drop in their stomachs , the emotions surging in a way they never knew was possible . Was it just grief ? Or was it helplessness ? Could more emotions take place in the same timeframe ? At least right now , they had no words to describe this .

They huddled together , nearly sticking to one another , at the tables . It wasn't as if they haven't seen Sunoo in that state before , but replaying and repeating the images of their adored in a coffin , still looking like the boy they spent their hardest road with . He'd probably look as lovely as ever , maybe the small smile etched on his face when he passed was still there . They lost track of time , with sounds of desperate cries in the back and front , screams and flashes right out the house , hushed discussions around them . Felt like a spiteful spiral , before Ni-ki stood up . He felt their lingering stares at the back of his head while he coughed a cry away and made his way to a sleeping Sunoo .

It wasn't long from when he passed by the boy's family with them red faced and wet with reflecting tears , when he caught the members following his steps as well . Sunoo wore no accessories , yet he looked sweeter than usual . Sweeter than when he was angry and whining , or when he was trying his hardest to be adorable — which worked most , if not all of the times . His special little quirk , they say , and most agrees . His hair was combed to a loose style , framing his stiff facial muscles while he shut his eyes to the state around him . It was too difficult to watch him go in this way , no goodbyes , no words or exchanges , with them knowing full well he hadn't been anywhere near their priorities when they could've treated him best , but all words of regret were of no use .

Ni-ki kept his eyes on Sunoo's face , his hand lifted to initiate a physical contact he hadn't had once he started maturing . He felt a slight twinge in his heart and an itch on his cheeks where the stray tears rolled off in desperation . He stood for some minutes , then some more , ignoring anything that could possibly take his attention away from his dear , dear Sunoo . It almost was like his ears closed off to all circling them , until Sunghoon had to say , "Eat lots and lots up there , Sunoo-ya ."

Ni-ki finally looked up from his hyung to see Jay near collapsing on Heesung's shoulder , and Sunghoon tilting his head to take clear views of the boy at peace . The six of them , no more seven , did not make way for other visitors , all paralyzed with the ideas of having to bid goodbyes to a person they had made forever promises with .

No one cared to act composed , not after Jake broke first , on his knees beside the coffin as if that could bring him any closer to Sunoo , the same friend he entered and survived the show together . He had repeatedly hit his own thighs with his head hanging low , choking sobs rolling off his teeth while he bit down the urge to cry loud . He was suffering , but there was no other way . Without Sunoo , what could their future be ?

The three ruinous days flashed by with them seeming unable to leave the house , because it could make Sunoo feel even alone . They wanted to spend the last few hours they could , even if Sunoo would not open his eyes or talk to their belated confessions and pleads . Their tears slowly dried over the days , too exhausted and wearied to cry any stronger . The boys weren't feeling numbed or emotionless , they felt worse . Each day , the reminder of not anymore waking up to a whining Sunoo , hearing him nagging in the kitchen , or watching him accidently acting cute despite his resolution of appearing less immature , because that is just how lovable of a person he was , were eating away their spirits . They assumed this sinking sensation could not get any worse , until the last hour ended with Sunoo kept away in the coffin , the cover resting on top as if it could suffocate him . Seeing him in that state was terrible — perfectly fine , before he fell , and now he's gone .

It was then that they felt destructed , it was horrifying . Sunoo , laying without a motion , and locked in a tight space , while they would not ever even see his face . They prayers echoed down the road with them to the gravesite , and the roadside memorial was held in a flash . They had to bid farewell , each placing vibrant flowers down while they lowered Sunoo . Jay looked ready to throw up , lips quivering while he fought the urge to turn away .

Jungwon tightened his hands around Ni-ki and Jake once he saw the utter agony on their faces . Heesung squatted near the dug hole , his hand pressing against his entire face as he grieved in complete anguish , sobbing in a vocal way so badly he felt his entire body quiver . Jay seemed to be less forceful , standing completely still on the soil with his line of vision on the flowers resting on top of that wooden lid . The lid that hid Sunoo away from their watch .

Sunghoon seemed to be most composed , only mournful tear streaks leaving trails on his skin . Composed he was , until he had to watch the soil cover up his sun in the sealed dark ground , and he had to look away while some hands grabbed against a trashing Ni-ki protesting to let his hyung leave .

The procession took hours , until the sun had went down . When they were ushered to leave , they dragged it on and on because they could only imagine how difficult it'd be to sleep and wake with Sunoo's bed empty , his voice no longer around , and his smile they lost .

Chapter Text

"If you aren't ready yet , we've agreed to provide another week before your promotion's resuming . Does that sound alright ?" Their chief manager gave quick glances back and forth at them , seeing how no responses were given to her question so she directed it to the supposedly professional leader , "Jungwon-ssi ? What do you think ?"

Jungwon , holding a disgruntled expression ever since brought into the meeting in a mourning period , nearly threw all his anger on this woman collecting the scattered documents while appearing indifferent as if she would not simply verbally manipulate them into agreeing . "Okay . We'll take the one week break ."

It had been specifically sixteen days since the last day of Sunoo's funeral procession , yet it felt both a day's time and a year long . Sixteen days of cleaning Sunoo's area in their shared room , handing over his usable items back to his parents and clearing out the rest , only seeing him through screens and pictures . Sixteen days , before they were expected to miraculously recover from grief so they could resume their latest comeback promotions . Fucking twisted .

"What about our choreography ? The tracks ?"
The tracks , their music videos , all were recorded and released with Sunoo being a huge part of it , as the members discussed early on to spare more lines to their group's biggest potential . Now they were supposed to do it without him .

"The choreography will be redesigned to fit you six , but you'll continue using your original tracks . One of you can just replace Sunoo in the center when his part comes on , because if we do release a version without him , his fans will stir up bullying or disrespect allegations again . The media's all fired up with his leaving , you know . Plus , we're all very clear that even Sunoo-ssi would love to see you all back in action , especially if he's the reason you're falling behind now ."

Sunghoon stared right ahead , his heels pressed hard against the ground in his boots until a muffled screech was heard . In other simplified words , she meant keeping Sunoo's voice is best to avoid scandals , and replacing Sunoo is as easy as keeping the media well fed with their dearest's death . He had been pretty clear of how money-obsessed the whole industry is from the very start , yet these disguised words of death-publicity-stunt tricks were cruel out of his mind . It pushed him further down to remorse , nausea , because to the rest of the world , Sunoo's death might've meant more trivial than he'd ever admit . His whole world , his very one joy , died to be used as an article header , money maker , popularity increaser .

No one seemed to be taking her words kindly as well , but being those lower down in the hierarchy , what else could they do ? When for them as well , it was only the loss that proved Sunoo's very worth in their eyes .

The ride back home was eminently silent and tense , none of the earlier dissatisfactions fading just yet . Their road manager , who was shut out of the meeting the entire time , only learned of their director's plan to escalate their popularity growth after , decided it'd been for the best to provide comfort , even if not much , by contacting Sunoo's parents for an impromptu visiting , just for extra warmth . "Kids , Sunoo's mom asked if you'd want to sleep over at theirs for the night ? They want to talk about Sunoo and you all ."

He could see so prominently in the rear-view , how each of their eyes lit up hearing that , as that was exactly what they needed — Sunoo . Even if just for a sense of him in any ways possible . They turned around to drive towards the house they have both good and bad memories of , in the rain as the droplets thumped against the windows .

There were a small , stupid , crowd still right outside the gates of the family's house , some obsessive fans and the rest just corrupted reporters not knowing when to stop or when to have a heart . Their manager sighed , pulling some spare umbrellas from the car trunk once he parked by the roadside so they wouldn't get spotted too early . He caught an umbrella stacked at the very beneath , a band tied at the handle . Sunoo's umbrella . God , why was Sunoo leaving painful trails every single where , at times like this when no one could comprehend his leave yet . Heesung was right beside him when he took that one maroon colored umbrella closer for inspection , so the boy took it in his hand , mumbling an apologetic , "I'll use this one , hyung ."

It took no less of an effort to push and slip past the buzzing crowd , especially when the gates opened and they started filling in with no sense of shame . Though in spite , Sunoo's usually reserved father came barging outside to drive them away , a face full of desperation and resentment . Jay had to bite his cheeks in order not to lash out and lose his temper , so he pulled at Ni-ki and Jungwon's hands .

Sunoo's mother had dark eyebags under her bright eyes , nearly as bright as how her son's would sparkle . She moved towards the nearest Jake once seeing how his eyes dart towards the boxes of belongings stacked up in the very corner . Her slightly wrinkled palms slid off and on against his hair , brushing it down while she turned to greet the other members . The evening started with bowls and bowls of home-scented dishes , chatting and laughing away in the dining area , even if the smiles weren't the most earnest they could wear in that moment . The parents would occasionally bring up Sunoo's experiences as a kid , although in a way sharing some of his younger embarrassing times while secretly adoring him . And the boys would listen , as hard as they could so their memories of their loved would be filled up even more with happier thoughts . Though that caused them to yearn for their lost sun even worse , it was pleasant to hear of his love for themselves in every way .

"Sunoo said he never had friends like you all before , so he'd only talk about the group when he calls home . He said you all took care of him a lot ," His sister interjected , while stuffing her face with some braised chicken . Jungwon looked up from his rice , before averting his eyes . Did we look out for him as much as he did for us ?

Sunghoon and Jay each took leisure walks around the house , as if playing a game at spotting Sunoo's little trails and fragments . They found kid photos , a washed sweater , and some album collections in weird places , as expected of their little , unpredictable sunshine . Everyone knew down in their hearts , without any needs for words , that they would do anything in order to see the boy again for one last time , to embrace and touch him in a way to convey love to make up for those they failed to deliver , blaming themselves for not being there , blaming Sunoo for leaving too soon .

Little raindrops splattered on the windows , smell of spiced broth filling the air . Sunghoon , standing on Sunoo's doorstep and gulping because his mind couldn't stop swimming in circles about his death . Pathetically , and guiltily .

They never seemed to sleep well that night , all scattered in Sunoo's average-sized bedroom . It was... painful , when his wall pictures and his belongings were still in there , a mix of just him , his life , and the members . They wanted to be given a second chance , a chance to show him he meant just as much to them as they did to him because they failed to do so . The stinging guilt was entirely just like a loophole , one loudly thumping , hollow , clawing wound .

Jungwon awoke to the same clawing sensation , except this time it felt surreal . Surreal and impossible , when the same road manager that had left them in the hands of Sunoo's parents , was here shaking him awake and instructing him to wash up before the activities . Also surreal , when Sunoo slept barely a bed away from him .

He was in a paralysis , his chest the only sound entering his ears . He felt his world dissipate , with time seeming to slow and nothing made sense for comprehension at all . He'd describe this unlike fear , but of astonishment beyond cognizance , and degrees of shock pulsing in his cold blood .

All because he returned to a world with Sunoo alright , as if he hadn't been put through pits of hell fire when the older left without a word . Jungwon had felt like a fool , but probably the happiest one in that very split second — whether or not it was reality , as long as he could see Sunoo once more .

He wished , if this was a dream , he'd never wake .

Chapter Text

Jungwon stood very still , even afraid to breathe for he could wake the sleeping older up . He bent slightly forward , his loose hair drooping to shadow his line of vision . He had felt utter devastating so vividly , so it couldn't have been merely a dream , could it ? If it was a dream , then it would've been the most peculiar , absurd nightmare he had ever gotten . Or else what else could explain the long days he felt in that so called 'dream' , to watch Sunoo wither away without a single chance to be saved ? What other excuses could one make to explain the fact that Jungwon had to watch his hyung get buried underground , all sickly and stiff , to understand that he'd never see Sunoo anymore .

But now he's back into the 'reality' . Does that not sound funny ? Jungwon had been so lost in thoughts , body kept in an awkward position where he leaned so close by the bed side into Sunoo's sleeping figure , until a palm nudged him awake . His eyes , rimmed red , widened while he toppled , just to see a confused looking Heesung staring right down at Sunoo . Staring — the exact , if not an even more bewildered expression — at a breathing dead boy . Heesung blinked as if he was in half speed , pupils of his eyes shrinking as he fumbled to wrap this around his head . This , Sunoo alive and well , and this , them seemingly back in the past .

Heesung seemed to also have the same thoughts in his muddleheaded state , shifting his eyes to look at an equally red-eyed leader . How was any of them supposed to react, no , to even understand ? Having to deal with weeks of playing maze in their heads to fully move on from their love's death , then suppressing the urge to succumb completely to grief because their days without him was hell . And now ? Now he's back , sleeping , because some god decided it'd be fun to play dreamland game with them .

It wasn't long from when they stood frozen , until they woke the rest up , all with questioning eyes staring right ahead . Then , it was almost like the both of them could physically see the gears move in the other four's heads , until it clicked .

They weren't sure , or couldn't remember , who was the first to make his way to Sunoo , or who cried first . The latter was probably Jay , but still , not even one managed to seal the emotions inside , all pouring down resembling thunderstorms .

They tried really hard too , to bite and swallow the sounds they made , each either squatting beside that once empty bed , or taking a curled up desperate seat on the nearest bed before their legs collapse on them . The waves — the pang of gratitude and bliss right after a crippling storm , was hitting their hearts so loud they nearly forgot to breathe while holding the cries in . They didn't manage to , so the noises shook Sunoo up .

The poor boy's entire face had pure concern on it , while he twisted and turned to look for the light switch . Hundreds of guesses ran in his head , from a prank , to bad news from the manager , or something disastrous about their group , probably ? Or else what could make them cry so hard , they looked almost red . He reached out to the nearest , Jake , who had his back turned against Sunoo , trembling while he held his head in his hands . “Hyung…?”

The called man turned so fast and grabbed him into his chest , Sunoo forgot to react for a second . The older had his hands each on his head and his back , sliding up and down repetitively as if he was the one who was sobbing earlier on . Jake whispered something along his name , and some other muffled words , while keeping him completely trapped between his arms . It went on and on , even after Jake released him .

Sunghoon faltered completely after seeing Sunoo . He wasn't able to manage the hard fact thrown at him , wasn't able to think or to move . The only thing he was capable of during then was just to stare . Stare and watch , taking in the unreasonable picture , and treasuring it . He was afraid , too fearful of the possibility of this being a ruinous dream to shake him back into the pits of mourning , to slap him in the face with the fact that he could never in his life move on from the death of his joy .

He froze while Jake embraced the puzzled younger , kept still while Jungwon took a weighing seat right next to him , and kept still alongside three equally members , Heesung , Jay , Ni-ki . Yet Heesung , being the earliest of them to understand what was going on then , walked up to kneel on one leg while looking up at Sunoo , as if he was infatuated or lost in his eyes . Sunoo could only try to not react too harshly , since he saw clearly they weren't faking their cries — if they were , they could have a chance at professional acting . But seeing how most of them responded to his voice or his actions , was completely abnormal and worrying .

As if he had once disappeared from them , or something like so . Like , they were grieving . Somehow .

He caught a still Sunghoon at the back , behind Ni-ki , behind Jay . Even Sunghoon had tear stains on that face of his , when the man was never knew expected to be too emotional at , speculated , trivial matters . Jay roughly pushed the rolling tears away from his cheeks with the sweater sleeves , widening his arms out to motion Sunoo for a hug . Jay , a hug ? The younger complied anyway , although he couldn't anymore comprehend , and rested his cheek on Jay's sturdy shoulder , easing up in the older's warmth while Jay bent and shoved his entire dampened face into his neck . Sunoo felt some rubs from Jay's thumb on the back of his head , and it felt almost good if not for the fact that they were scaring him with all these affections when he wasn't used to any .

So when a 'matured' Ni-ki and a 'unaffectionate' Sunghoon made their steps towards himself too , he frowned , and was lost in his mind .

Sunoo stood , staring right ahead at Sunghoon . He was demanding answers , begging for an explanation because this wasn't normal , or usual . They wouldn't , without a reason , cry over him as if they're mourning his returned spirit . It had felt awfully creepy — skin crawling , goosebumps creepy , to wake to being mourned . Sunghoon didn't reciprocate his curiosity however , instead walked over and knocked both their arms together . Sunoo felt Sunghoon's hand touch his back , not sure it's not accidental .

“Go back to sleep ,” sounded like an order , from Sunghoon , said out loud to nobody — or everybody . As if planning to bury the night under the covers , putting up the ‘you were dreaming’ front . Sunoo despised that ; they cried for him , to no reasonable explanations at all , and now he was supposed to believe they didn't just do that .

Chapter Text

It wasn't like that . There was just no backing ups for pleasantries or honesties . What happened — the death — wasn't fictional , or made up , or dreamed of . Unless six people could experience the same lucid dream that had felt months long all at once , but they couldn't , so it wasn't a dream . Although it had felt like one .

Sunoo slept beside Ni-ki that night , their youngest quite literally begged to share the bed for one night . It hadn't been like that . Not since a year ago . So Sunoo agreed without much hesitation , especially after the whole tearful ordeal that mourned him to nightmares . His waist was twisted to the right while his thighs rest above the youngest’s calves . It looked uncomfortable , that position , at least for Jungwon who was standing at the end in contemplation of whether or not to wake them . Their activities were cancelled , they had begged for it , Heesung had argued that the photographer they hired wasn't professional , thought the argument was retorted . The night recording wasn't though , but at least they could have a morning to themselves , resolving — huddled .

And it was long past twelve , and they have to wake up at a point . It was just the questioning of should they wake sooner , or later ? Leader chose later , after acknowledging his incapability to answer Sunoo's indefinite questions .

So he stared , again , and again , and he thought to himself that he could stare for as long as he wanted to . And he wanted to look , really , really long . To leave trails of his memories on Sunoo , if anything were to happen . Because losing him once , had struck him worse than ever , and losing him twice could probably bury Jungwon himself into burning grounds . He missed his hyung , this person who'd , teasingly , argue with him about bathroom hours and all . This person that pulled the group from going deep dark , painting gold shimmers here and there to embroider smiles or laughters . It had felt almost complete when Sunoo was with them , and it had felt grim when he wasn't . That was his worth — putting the boys together , Sunoo did . Not the show , not the contract , not anyone else but Sunoo .

He was about stare for another couple of minutes , probably , until he was satisfied enough for the day . But a figure appeared behind him , and approached him by the shoulders , motioning him away . It was Sunghoon , hair dripping wet from the shower , “Let me see ,” Jungwon thought he had meant to see Sunoo , in the strangely weird way he was staring earlier , but Sunghoon went even closer , and lifted the sleeping boy's collar . Their leader's brows tilted up , his lips slightly downturned in confusion — what was Sunghoon doing ?

Sunghoon adjusted the shirt to look . His neck had the same rashes , pinkish and spreading . It had looked more like raw freckle tattoos , rather than dotted rash , but it was piling up under his neck , and it worried the older to death . He felt that same drop in his stomach , that pang of fear — he couldn't even grasp their reality now , and what if Sunoo dies again this time ? What if he dies , and goes , and never again returns ? Because right then , Sunghoon was still unsure of their situation — it can't be a dream… can it ?

He wanted to lock Sunoo up , mentally speaking — in his heart , or at least , in his arms , safe . Not in the key-involving method . Sunghoon just wished for a quiet moment with Sunoo , no need for words , just sit , to memorize his pretty features . He never have had this urge before , one so strong to shake the younger awake and press a kiss on his forehead , or intertwine their fingers so they never let go . It was as if he hadn't had the chance to realize anything before ; stupidly , he took none of the chances .

Sunoo's passing , be it real or not , had scarred them all . Cut their hearts up enough to make the scars last , enough to remind them every single day .

And those damned , crawling rash spots have Sunghoon's heart in a chain hold — cold , thrashing , racing .

He wouldn't let Sunoo fall anymore , not by his watch — he pushed the strands of hair off Sunoo's face , a frown etched on his face . “Call the manager , Jungwon-ah .”

Chapter Text

Truthfully , he wasn't sure what to say once their manager arrives . Be brutally honest and appear funny as fuck admitting he's called for medical examinations two weeks before their monthly checkup based on a strange , yet not surprising , idea of some dream ? Sunghoon knew he'd sound awfully stupid , and he'd freak out Sunoo as well . Might as well lie and request for a day off with some last minute excuses he could come up with .

So as their manager walked into the room , floor patterned with their worn or not clothes , Jungwon took the front lines and went with a casual , “Hyung , do you think you can arrange us a health check today ?”

Their manager , hands fiddling with his car keys , looked up with an expression so easily read . “Why ? Not feeling well ?”

Sunghoon stepped up . His jumper was stretched to hip length , both sides fisted in his palms . Jungwon kept his eyes trained on the older's shoulders , the manager's stares badgered him into a strange stance in the middle of their living room . Sunghoon nodded , then twice again , and brought up Jay as a sacrificial lamb . “Jay’s tired too , these days .”

Jay heard his name — probably — that was why half of his head snuck out by the doorframe . But he wasn't stupid , he knew what they wanted , it was clearer than any . He played along , hair still puffed up like a tamed explosion . Jay stumbled away , resting an arm on Jungwon and leaning nearly his entire body onto Sunghoon .

Their manager gave a slight look of doubt , eyebrows raised and pinched to the middle of his forehead , revealing wrinkles . His shoulders rise and drop with a short sigh . “Alright , I'll request for one . Who else needs a checkup ? Only Jay ?”

Jungwon spoke first , thoughts blocked by a warning blaring to shock his body into autopilot anxiety . “Sunoo hyung .” he blurted that name so fast it had aroused their manager's suspicion even further , Jungwon thought .

How their manager did respond , however , slammed their heads into a deeper pool of guilt . “Sunoo wants a checkup again ?”

What a hilarious choice of word . There were a couple of thoughts competing in a marathon in their heads , with Heesung , barely awake , joining their circle . It wouldn't be a complete surprise to hear that Sunoo's been hiding discomfort — he'd always do that . As long as it wasn't unbearable , he'd mask all under a paint of smiles . So it wasn't weird . It was just horrible .

There was this sense of involuntary self-doubt , failed abstinence . Though they'd argue with themselves that they couldn't be held accountable for not noticing what Sunoo had hid himself , they were just angry . If they had asked , pried , or nudged Sunoo into talking , he would .

The younger would always see Jay as one dependable partner , he'd seek for his company if there were anything wrong . If he didn't , Jay could've at least asked . Because as long he asked , Sunoo would've told . It was their fault — they could tease him into their group jokes , pining faults on him , minding every business of Sunoo's but disregarding his health . Jungwon is a leader , for fuck’s sake . Had he really appeared so incapable , or so uncaring , that he had cornered his favorite hyung into having to deal with hospitals himself ? It was as if he were angry at Sunoo for not trusting , or he was just furious at himself for not noticing . He could've saved him , if he had just cared enough . Sunghoon , to think all the times he'd mentioned Sunoo as the joy he seek daily . It was pathetic , he tasted lost better than when he had actually have Sunoo right by his side — busy appealing to their jokes and jabs , not a single win in their arguments , because Sunoo wasn't capable of prioritizing himself . Or was it Sunghoon's own fault for not prioritizing Sunoo ? Self doubts weren't a stranger to Heesung . But this was different . He could've just saved Sunoo from the torment last time .

Whose fault could it be if not theirs ?

Chapter Text

There was this slight shuffle when the manager stepped forward to their stares and frowns . He knew best not to mention Sunoo's health state , for he probably already expected none of them to know . He heard , from Sunoo , that there wasn't much complications , so he stopped prying . Though he would've preferred if the boy had just told their own leader , so he wouldn't have to deal with these looks now .

“What’s wrong with Sunoo ?” a hypocritical question .

Sunghoon's brows raised from a downturned frown to a doubtful expression , mushing his lips to spread the tinted balm . “He’s got some rashes , I think .”
What else was he supposed to say ? ‘Sunoo would die when his lungs collapse during practice later , and we'd love to prevent that , please .’ This ? Stupid .

Their manager shoved a phone into Jungwon's restless hands , giving him a look . They trailed behind him like chicks without a cause , tamed and helpless . “And Jay ?”
Jay perked up from looking at his toes , hair flapping on top . “I’m just , maybe a little tired . I'm good .”

Their manager tipped the unsealed door open , the rest bending their heads to an angle to watch . Sunoo's figure was bent into Ni-ki's arm , circled and pushed . Their manager leaned in , eyes squinted . There were rashes , pink and growing . It wasn't as bad as one would panic of , but it wasn't ignorable . A hand brushed through his tangled hair , rubbing circles on Sunoo's forehead .

The younger stirred from his sleep , blinking profusely and just curling his lips into a small frown . He leaned into that hand — Jay's hand , keeping the rubs going , subconsciously . Maybe it had felt safe , comforting and gentle ; how Jay always had felt to him . Jay brought a little smile to his face , that weariness easing off by some bits while he kept his hand circling on Sunoo's skin . It felt good , almost relieving . It felt as if he could keep Sunoo safe for once .

Ni-ki seemed to have been waken up too , just a tad more sober than Sunoo , his eyes wide and wild on the crowd around them . He tightened his hold on the other resting in his space , face having a red “What in the world” written on it , completely confused and unappreciative . He coughed , quick and loud , murmuring a “What?” right after .

Jay pressed his forearms down even further , bent in a jacked up way , nearly hyperflexive , still not wanting to lift his hands off honestly . He faced away , though , whispering to Ni-ki , “He should go get a checkup ,”

Their manager frowned , again , leaning away from the small circle his boys had formed . “Alright . Someone wake him up and we're leaving in twenty . But I'm making it clear it first . If there isn't anything too serious , we're carrying on with the recording tonight . Got it ?”

Chapter Text

Sunghoon left a space for Sunoo in the very back row , so did Ni-ki on the double seated row . There was this slight tension around them , heavy hearts and scratching nails , as if the world would stop turning if they shift a second of attention away from Sunoo . Speaking of him , he was taking his own sweet time shuffling into the side , right next to Jay in the corner . He looked obviously sleepy , almost zombie-like , grabbing onto his padded coat and leaning into his seat towards the window — he switched with Jay , who complied to his request without a question or a look .

Sunghoon's nail injected deep into his jeans , jabbing at his flesh . It wasn't like he's sulking , definitely not . But it wasn't like he was happy either . He was worried , crippling with piled up anxiety in his chest , and he wanted Sunoo to him all day . As much time as he could bid to his own self , to be spent on the younger before anything could happen . If anything was to happen .

Heesung , who without a word sat a seat away from Sunghoon in the back , shifted to sit next to him after seeing his mood switch when Sunoo didn't pick to sit between them . He understood , he would want Sunoo here too , sandwiched . Having Sunoo's perfume scent in his nose , having Sunoo's hair on his skin , having Sunoo playing with his fingers when he's bored — all he wanted was to have it all back . He hated the way the van was silent and hollow after he left . He despised how Sunoo could break their walls and insert himself in their hearts , then rip it apart and leave all behind . He blamed himself , before blaming everyone else , and he thought he had blamed Sunoo too at one point .
Heesung shut his eyes , not saying a word to a certain ex-skater with that clouded look on his face .

Jay had stared at Sunoo all ride long . It didn't matter where he was looking , he was just glued . He looked at his face , and once he was noticed , given a head tilt and a head shake by the younger , he turned to look at Sunoo's hands . Then down to his legs , his slightly creased shoes , his yellow socks . There was so , so much he never seen . Like how Sunoo has this habit of angling his feet to meet at the points , or how he pulled his socks to wrinkle and layer by the ankle , not straight up . Sunoo wore the silver necklace Jay bought him his last birthday underneath the orange sweater , the chain peeking from the collar . Jay smiled , then grinned . He was still looking , still fixated .

He probably smiled and smiled until the younger returned his stare with a frown , his fingers crawling to poke Jay's on his lap . “You okay , hyung?” Sunoo had his face in Jay's ear , nearly .
Jay's eyes rounded to a circle before he could regain his composure , turning to meet nose-to-nose with his friend . “Good. You?”

Sunoo moved away , fixing his sweater . “Tired.”
Yeah, like Jay couldn't see that already.

Ni-ki , a seat in front , turned to stare down at Sunoo with those pointy eyes . Sunoo would've thought his youngest would give him another snarky remark , or at least a grumpy “Like we can't tell” . But he didn't , he pointed to his neck , muttering , “Do the rashes hurt?”

Sunoo's heart thumped a little , his hand jolted to touch the bumpy patches . “No… no, I'm good, really.” He felt fingers ruffling his hair , front fringes poking his lashes a little ; Ni-ki's fingers in his hair . Another arm secured itself around his frame , Jay — it felt like that night .

When they mourned , like they had lost him .

Chapter Text

Their manager reminded Jungwon to bring the rest to practice , giving him the spare key to the room . The staffs were waiting inside , cameras half prepared , stacking up against the wall . He left them then , circled his arms around Jay and Sunoo , guiding them towards the meeting space .

“I’ll handle yours , Sunoo .” Jay watched the man keep tabs on Sunoo , eyes darting to himself before averting contact .
“Jay , are you taking any current medications or herbal supplements ? List them down . Your pain symptoms , how long has it been going on for , text them all to me . I'll bring your last report and paperworks , don't worry .”

The manager took his phone out , shifting towards his left to lean into Sunoo's space , holding out the screen to his face . Jay heard him whisper , “Is this right?” , to Sunoo's response , “And rashes .” He watched them discuss as if they were sharing some secret he wasn't supposed to know of , and he fucking loathed that . What wasn't he supposed to know ? Were they supposed to wait till he drops dead in front of everyone to regret ?

“Your makeup can be done in the van after your examination , take off your jewelries first and leave them in the box , alright? I've made your appointments so you can handle it from there . I'll check up on you both later , okay?" They nod , holding onto their phones and standing up to leave . Jay kept a hand on the younger all the time , pressing against his shoulder or circling his fingers around Sunoo's wrist .

The ride to the medical center was pretty silent , radio off , manager frowning , and the both of them with unreadable expressions . Jay slid his hand into Sunoo's seat , though they were sitting in the back row together . He was acting as if he would predict Sunoo's very death himself , or as if this check-up would remind them that the ‘dream’ would be real . It could very much be real , whether or not Sunoo does the trip to the center . But Jay didn't want it to be , obviously , he was torn between blurting out all he knew or making a scene so all schedules could be cleared . For Sunoo , what would he not do ?

His problems were cleared thirty minutes into the check-up , only some reminders to rest and eat enough . His diet plan had been renewed again , for the better though , less restrictions and more nutritional values , to which he thanked for . Their manager was supposed to be outside waiting , but while he waited and strolled around , he guessed the man was with Sunoo , and he couldn't help but fret over that . Probably another ten or fifteen minutes passed , and the manager stepped out with a blank face . Blank , as in zero emotions , no worry , no gladness , just , professional . Jay can't read that , but he needed to know .

So he asked . To which he received a response he couldn't really interpret , “Sunoo's getting a urinalysis and an exercise stress test . The doctor said his auscultation results earlier showed some complications so they're checking again to be sure.”

Those were big words for him . Confusing , hard to grasp , but he understood it as not looking too well . Auscultation… usually it'd be just a stethoscope pressed to their skin , or before that some health related questions , done . If it were good , there would've been zero need for other tests . Obviously it wasn't great , obviously , there was something wrong . Fuck .

Chapter Text

A click is heard before the doorknob twisted itself open. Jay stood from his seat, phone tucked hastily into his jean pocket. Sunoo gave him this sheepish smile , his lips curled inwards instead of pulled ear-to-ear. His chin wrinkled up just a tad bit, instead of his eyes — the smile doesn’t touch his eyes when they should’ve , like a frown. He walked in smaller , timidly steps towards Jay , his sweatpants loose and shuffling against each other. Their manager held his shoulder once he exited the door , a sheet in his other hand under the phone. Jay’s eyes traced from Sunoo to that document , like he couldn’t read their faces though Sunoo’s own expression hid absolutely nothing at all.

“What’s the result saying?” his voice travelled rougher , more stern , more forceful. He didn’t look at Sunoo’s face since , but he knew it wouldn’t be of an emotion he’d like to see.

“Not sure. We’re arranging a CT scan soon but you two should get to practice. You’re feeling up to it, right, Jay?”

Not sure? He didn’t know exactly what to feel then — resentment towards the management , or worry towards the situation. He couldn’t agree , he didn’t nod nor answered , he didn’t even look at either of them because he knew it’s either anger or fear running out of his mouth if he lets loose. He let his arms fall to both sides , fist curled with his shirt. He waved slightly at Sunoo , motioning him to come over. The younger shifted himself out of their manager’s hold to scurry over to him , his face still pale and scared. Fuck, Jay’s chest squeezed as if it wanted him dead. Jay pressed the back of his hand into Sunoo’s forehead , then flipped to press his palm instead. Both touches felt no heat , indicating no fever , no unusual temperatures either. He doesn’t know how sick this boy is , how much time he’ll have , or how strong he himself can stand if anything were to happen again. Once? He can take it. He may beat himself up , but he can still see reality. But now? He couldn’t anymore differentiate between dream and sobriety , and it felt like swimming in a sea made of lies and hallucinations. He still doubted what he sees every single day , but he’d rather not have Sunoo die on his twice.

They take the van back to company , Jay’s hand linked with Sunoo’s all ride long. None of them made any advances to discuss with their manager , knowing full well how shit the management runs. Sunoo kept eyeing Jay , and Jay knew. He felt the younger’s stares on him , and every time he detected one he’d squeeze their hands together gently. He won’t know if that was assuring , if that was tender enough , but he was sure Sunoo smiled every time too.

The practice room’s blasted with air conditioning, the five of them sprawled out across the floors in their t-shirts. Summer practices are always the toughest — heat brimming, sweat sticking, hair wet, and air stuffy. Sunoo cracked up at them looking as if they’d just threw up minutes ago, all red faced and flushed. Even Jay snickered, to their glares. He didn’t miss their concerned glances towards this supposedly ‘resurrected’ sunshine of theirs, suggestive looks sent his way like pleads for him to explain. He knew the looks, he knew they meant nothing more than the sincerest worry, but it wasn’t like he himself knew anything at all either. The management’s went foul with this matter, handling Sunoo’s health as if handling with a whiny kid who knew nothing but lie for attention. Jay wasn’t pleased, at all. He’s pissed, anxious, and he cannot fucking hold the pressure to think what could possibly happen later.

Jay sent their stares away with a head shake, his temples twitching with his facial muscles as he gritted his teeth. His bag fell to the couch beside Sunoo’s, his attention shifting full 360 from the now standing members to Sunoo, the younger swallowing two white pills at once with cold water. When did he even get that medicine? Jay did not see him or their manager receiving any medicines earlier, but he also had no recollection of seeing the younger taking meds during this time of the month. Did reality changed after the dream?

Sunghoon’s already taken the seat beside Sunoo when he got shaken out of his silent thoughts, watching them start their banter plays again. Sunoo’s giving the other dirty looks in response to being teased, though Jay knew he didn’t mind it at all, with teasing being their dynamic. Sunghoon had a look of adoration tattooed on his face like it could ever fade away if he looked away for just a second.

To be frank, all Sunghoon wanted in that exact moment was stir up some mess so the recording would be cancelled and they'd be allowed for a rest. At least to pass the night, to ensure his joy won't ever leave for a second time. If it had nearly killed him to endure what he had went through from Sunoo's leaving in that ‘dream’, then Sunghoon's more than sure it'd actually force him to a dead end where he'd never climb out of. To think he actually accepted the fact that he watched his dear Sunoo get buried in ground with his body cold, bloodless, and stiff, was absurd, because he wouldn't be able to do that now. Now that he had hope that it'd all be a bad dream, that Sunoo would always be right by him no matter what happens. And it was fucking him up every stupid minute. He had this argument with himself, if he should just shield Sunoo from absolutely everything, or even nothing, even though it could all really be a nightmare he convinced himself was true. Or he could just let it take place, and hold the younger now that he could.

He did none, because he didn't think he could afford any.

The break ended as quick as their chat begun, staffs arranging their positions and readying the camera. Fuck. None of them wanted to face this evening, none of them wanted to even question if that’d happen or if they’d be lucky enough to avoid it— if Sunoo’s lucky enough to live. Their song played at almost maximum volume, hitting their eardrums with every note, the beats pulsing with their hearts.

The practice started almost smooth, them in sync, hitting every accents, even their footsteps were identical. The first run was nearly perfect, just some parts not up to standard, given sterner criticisms by their choreographer. The second was even off, like energy slipping out of their fingers but in triple speed. It wasn’t as bad as it sounded, though most of them had done at least one mistake that round. It went on, dragged to third, then fourth, then fifth, like it’s really repeating. Because the last time this had happened, they had forced their bodies against warning, to Sunoo’s collapse, and his damned death.

Sixth wasn’t too awful, but Sunoo tripped. Instead of Jay, he tripped over those same cables, his neck blushed in rushing blood, his lips redder than usual. Ni-ki, behind him, noted that his rashes had faded quite a lot. All good signs, right?
All good, if not for the shitty fact that Sunoo’s depleted energy still kept dropping so rapidly he looked like he’d suffocate in his own skin no matter how hard he panted to the rhythm. Of course, no one saw it, again, right?

Chapter Text

The music jammed, a glitching noise straight from the speaker before it paused and resumed a beat late. Their synchronized movements immediately came to a messy break, all limbs flapping around in barely different tempos. Most of them managed to regain their composure and continue with the run, but seeing how it had already been fucked up from there onwards, the staff turned it off again.

There was like a lump in his throat, the bitter taste of expectable disappointment he'll see on the choreographer's face nearly drove Sunoo mad. Furthermore with the irritating rashes crawling up his neck, he felt twice the pressure and it was infuriating. If he could, he would rip and tear his skin right off and bathe in boiling hot water, letting the steam scald his flesh and numb the irritation.

Maybe it was the obvious displease on all of their faces that gave it away. Again, for the third or fourth time already, they were granted another break. Two minutes, that was all. Once the staff's word was finalized, Ni-ki had already hurried to invade Sunoo's space by the bottle piles. His shoulder nudged against Sunoo's, giving him a look. If Sunoo's guess was correct, then their youngest probably meant ‘You good?’. So he gave Ni-ki this curt nod and nothing more because no, he definitely did not feel anywhere near good. Matter of fact, he felt as if his mind was coming down with a bug, and it was all whirring inside. But again, it wasn't like this slight discomfort was a deal big enough to be babied about.

Hyung's definitely lying — was Ni-ki's first thought. It was obvious, the rashes that scratched his pale skin, the unfocused looks he kept giving, the unusual lack of words. It couldn't have gotten any more obvious than this. But he didn't want to exert pressure onto Sunoo, not like this, not screaming to his face that he's afraid he'd die. Again. He just wanted to hug him, or at least, maybe talk to him more. There were too many regrets left behind them, outer pressure overshadowing it's worth.

But it wasn't only Ni-ki that noticed. Honestly, they all did. And they wanted one thing — for the recording to stop. It wasn't a sense of Deja Vu that they felt, rather, this underwhelming yet overwhelming stress with the line between reality and hallucinations blurring. Every passing second not knowing if Sunoo would drop dead felt like hell.

They were all lost. They knew it'd be unreasonable to stop all progresses after all they've done, and Sunoo would protest hardest, knowing they were making decisions for him. But if they let it all take place like it did once more, who knew what the outcome would be? Who could prove that Sunoo would have any chances at surviving, if he didn't survive already once? One opportunity, and they'd take it. Honestly, most of them have thought of faking illnesses or injuries to get it over with.

Two claps resounded in the room, doubling the noises. One second in, and they were back in position. Sunoo's back was drenched in cold sweat from then on, his shoelaces were undone too. He was shaking, and it felt bad. It felt progressively worse every tick of the analog clock, and his fingertips were starting to numb. Thank fucking god for a speaker malfunction, because the moment he heard the flickering glitch through that blaring equipment and no music, his body bent over to squat on spot.

“Shit.” was the first response from Heeseung, all blood drawn away from his face. His body had reacted way faster than his mind even could think of all the probabilities of Sunoo's condition, wrapping both palms around the rounds of Sunoo's shoulders. The rest too, crammed around them like tourists around some life-worthy gem.

“What's wrong? Does it hurt? Where?” Heeseung's questions were like migraines in his head, nonstop buzzes and busy roads. That might've been quite the exaggeration, but Sunoo seriously wanted everyone to stop talking— stop breathing even. It hurt. He felt a hand on the back of his head, rubbing his hair and massaging a spot above his neck. It felt good, then there was another sliding up and down on his back, before a palm finds his forearm. The affections quickly became overwhelming, all those touches gave him goosebumps and sent him further into the unending waves of dizziness.

Sunghoon's hand reached out to fondle with Sunoo's fingers, intertwining and circling with them. He was scared shitless, mind blanking all the way until the ambulance sirens blared and paved the way. His eyes found each members while they all stayed behind, observing all. Jay had cleaned up Sunoo's sports bag, holding onto it; Jake was still quiet, eyes on his phone. Ni-ki had this look on his face, anger? The only ones talking were Jungwon and Heeseung, like they were discussing some matter he shouldn't know — though he did — Sunoo's death.

It didn't exactly felt like ‘history’ repeated itself this time. It felt a lot different. There were details that were either swapped or not in, like the medicine Sunoo had taken, or the rounds they'd danced through before Sunoo's breakdown. And he didn't collapse. That was most reassuring, at least for now, he didn't stop breathing yet.

Chapter Text

The staffs put a stop to the glitching in the background, their usual few videographers switching the machines off to allow them space for proper reaction without unnecessary pressure. Sunghoon seemed to be still, knees already sore from the pose on the ground. He couldn't let go yet.

From the squeaks of shoes and the rustling from the repackaging of the equipments, Jungwon’s head was whirring even heavier. He couldn't bear the weight of again being the one to receive that cruel phonecall, yet he did not like the idea of facing sullen looks from bad news bearers.

Their van drove into the back entrance, trying to avoid press or the persistent fans. “Sunoo’s at home. We'll take all of you back, so when you see him don't ask too many questions. Let him rest.“ their manager voiced.

Jungwon pulled himself forward, inserting his head between the two front seats, eyes wide and brows pinched unnerved. “What do you mean at home? Shouldn't he be at the hospital for a check? Or treatment? Why is he home?“ he sounded demanding and unrespectful, but really, none of it mattered at all at that point. Manager wasn't phased, not even by a bit, eyes locked straight on the road and hands gripped tightly around the steering wheel. “We have already done a check-up, remember? We'll call a medic to do a simple assessment at home, they're probably already done by the time we reach there. We settled the procedures so he can feel more at ease.“ Nonchalance was not very appreciated.

Jay, still shielding his foodie’s bag full of vitamins and supplements, squeezed his head to the space beside Jungwon. “What was his result from the check-up? What medicine was he taking today, hyung, you know something, right?“

All the eyes were on the man in charge of them — of Sunoo. They knew nothing of the medicine, now reminded again that they were uninformed regarding the earlier examination results. Their manager, called out and left not much space to back off, came somewhat clean, leaving spare details behind as he tried to clear the situation. “Look, kids. Sunoo requested for a confidentiality agreement with the hospital, alright? Any updates, results, are up to his doctors and our medical team to take charge of. Even if I am informed, I can't tell you anything without his own consent.“

“So he's sick?“ Ni-ki had already shifted his whole body from leaning to up straight. He looked the most at ease, although being the youngest, but the deepening frown and parting lips said otherwise.
Stepping on the brakes, their manager stopped behind the traffic light. “Yes, but it isn't life threatening. You can't confront him about this, okay? Going against the confidentiality agreement isn't a simple thing, please.“

The van continued to move, friction against the rocky roads filling in the silence within the vehicle. Jake hadn't voiced a word since entering the ride back, and Sunghoon had only shared looks with the oldest. Jungwon, usually being the one most well informed about his members, was already dejected from the way their management is handling his partner like his life wasn't on the damn line.

“How do you just know for sure it's not life threatening? Didn't you see him today? Can't you just talk him out of it and receive proper treatment, please.“ his words all ridiculous and forceful, but not entirely wrong. Even Heesung was backing him up, trying to help persuade their manager into better handling. “If anything happens again, hyung, I'm not doing this without Sunoo. I will resign if the company just let him worsen like that.“

That was awfully a threat pushed by urgency, but all six men looked stupidly determined to bet their careers for one boy.

Chapter Text

Sunoo tears their looks of concern with even bigger concerned eyes, stopping in his tracks and staring at their strange nervousness. The muffin cup folds at each end in his fingers while he tilts his head at the six giant atypical men lining up subconsciously in front of their narrow entrance.

Seeing how absolutely not one made an effort to either move or greet him, Sunoo frowns and shakes his head in jutted lips. “You guys are scaring me, you know..”

Jerking awake and sending his sneakers to the back of their shared shoebox, Jay's chuckle was all but genuine, especially with the dry tone and fleeting eyes. He set his gym duffel bag aside, sitting the black carrier on top of their shoerack and slinging an arm around the boy of his entire head. “What’s up with you, hm?“

Sunoo really isn't all that oblivious or insensible — he could see through each of them, more so Jay, the constant sweet talker of his worrisome nights. He could, without any efforts, tell the anxiety right off of Jay's tiniest bit of tremor when he spoke, the evident constraint glances between Sunoo himself and the boring floorplan. So he smiles, braces himself for the shy questions and wary looks. “Seasonal flu, hyung. No biggie!”

Maybe it's the exasperating distress or the kid-like unjust Ni-ki felt of Sunoo deliberately hiding his condition from them all, that leads to him blurting a “Yeah, right.” with a sneer. That wave of irritation only fled at the speed of light when the youngest watched his bed-mate hyung widen his eyes and frown from the sting. Heeseung gives Ni-ki a nudge at the back of his shoulder, sending a lour in his direction. Ni-ki manages a light sorry before scurrying into the showers, right after dashing to his towels and clean clothes.

Sunghoon, having kept his composure for nearly the entire time on his toes, hardly could contain his concern whilst he watches his joy of life resume peeling at the muffin wrapper with his shoulders all sagged. Being one who initiates intimacy almost never, Sunghoon plays it unusually cool by ruffling Sunoo's hair, giving him a smile of no spoken words and leaving the space to the rest of the boys. They were all lingering around unsure and apprehensive, leaving wide eyes to puncture into the back of their sunshine's head.

Still stiffly hanging by Sunoo's soft frame, Jay turns to their pathetically stiffled expressions and nonchalantly commanding, “Get inside and shower, you lot. He can't even eat his cake in peace with your stench looming around like this.” Thanks to this lighthearted approach, though, Sunoo finally hears some earnest chuckles, despite not sounding the brightest.
So he grins too, taking his one first bite into the chocolate muffin infused with cherry paste.

--

“Sunoo~” Jake's doggy, sugary method of sneaking up to Sunoo's personal space have really grown on him over the year. Especially at a time where everyone's seeing him so strangely, treating him like a glass ornament or some flimsy belle, he really do appreciate the mushy affection this puppy of a better half drowns him in.

Reciprocating the cutesy act, Sunoo lengthens his “Yes–?” to a smiley tone, rubbing his head into Jake's wool outerwear. The older man replies with a chortle and shortens the distance between both their faces with comedic enlarged eyes, “Got you some greens.” Hearing the unexpected turn of events, Sunoo props up a look of confusion with some of teasing detest. “You bought veggies?”

Jake laughs with his head thrown backwards, pressing the younger's chest heavier onto his side, snuggling their heads together like one would with a child they find irresistible. “Its no way any better than vegetables yet you look at it like a madman, sun.” And he reaches for the tabletop by his end of the couch, stealthily stuffing a white plastic bag of something cold. With that, as if he's truly hiding from the rest or just embarrassed, Jake retreats into his room with Jay still in the shower (being last after spending nearly an hour gluing himself to Sunoo's trails).

The paper cups of dessert are slightly wet from vapour droplets once Sunoo's back to his weekend show on the screen. A piece of carelessly taped paper didn't escape his eyes however, with Jake's adorable message warming to the bones of his body.
“A mint choco and a banana treat from your favorite hyung. Eat well, don't thank me ddeonu”

Frankly, ice creams are on the no-no side of his diet list. But how could he not eat it well and all if Jake's been so adorably expectant?

--

The late evening hours have progressed to late night in a blink of an eye. The heater whirs, puffing warm air into the cold. The television airs with the volume set to low, with the couch hogged by Sunoo still. He sits there, dazing out uncaring of the proceedings of the show he has on, thoughts possessed completely by the sudden change in the members' attitudes. Sure, they cared lots even before. But they weren't this worried, or anxious, as if something would actually happen to himself — even before his condition surfaced earlier. It's like, they've seen the worst of Sunoo, but unreasonably without Sunoo's own knowledge.

“What’s up with the scary face?” ending with a casually teasing tone, Heeseung’s voice startles Sunoo sober. He hums in questioning as a response, squirming to make way for the oldest of the seven. Patting on the couch, Heeseung takes the invitation but instead of taking up the space at the left end, he crams up with Sunoo at his side.

Minutes pass with the television series still sounding clearly, advancing with the scripts, and none of the two made efforts to speak. The body heat transfers from one's arm to another's, discomfort heightening with the strange silence as an addition. Sunoo's starting to get jittery, near the bursting line of speaking his heart — and he does, actually. With his temperament, suppressing his words is a task impossible. So he pops the query, not even looking at Heeseung right beside himself: “Hyung, what's up with you all these days, really?”

And Heeseung directs his line of vision straight at Sunoo, cooking up an answer just to have his words get blocked my Sunoo's consecutive word vomit.

“You six woke up the other day like you all saw a ghost, me! Looking at me weirdly, whispering things behind my back, talking in a group, hanging out without me while!— giving me funny side eyes. Then you guys got all anxious and scared. And out of fucking nowhere you all avoid me, then stare at me, and distant from me, what's all this about?!“

Heeseung stares at his face, then his brows, his parting lips, his hair, all but his eyes. He can't bring himself to confront and explain, but he also can't stand being misunderstood so entirely. The living room turns absolutely quiet, only the lowered dialogues from the TV filling the silence. Static noises sound along Heeseung’s absent eyes, voiceless throat and restless fingers.

The game from Jake's and Jay's room starts blaring from within, because they could hear, and they knew. Thanking the boys for the extravagant sound blockage, Heeseung mutters, just barely loud enough for Sunoo to hear. “We dreamt of you dying. On us.”

A beat, and two, nails scraped to a pinkish blush. Sunoo's bewildered eyes hit Heeseung right in the chest. “What?”

Shame reddens their oldest's ears, blood rushing to his head. He knows he sounded completely idiotic, absurd and seriously fucked up.

“You all did? How?! And, that's it? Because I died in your dream?” as if he hears his own questions and becomes growingly doubtful, Sunoo lets out a laugh, and keeps proding for an answer. Getting no response, he only stares down at his pants, then back at the TV and stops talking at once. His head's whirring with questions, spinning with questions unanswered and he's even getting riled up with the thought of them pranking on him deliberately.

With a pull, Heeseung drags Sunoo up from the couch and brings him to their door, wordlessly removing both their sandals from the rack and putting the yellow pair before Sunoo's feet. “Let’s walk around a bit, Sunoo-ya. Buy some ice creams or drinks on the way.”

Chapter Text

Wow. Hello guys!! I logged out of this account and didn't look back after I lost motivation, but for whatever reason it was I felt the need to check in today.

I'll be honest, I haven't written anything and I cannot lie and promise that I ever will. But I can promise I'll try to!! I'm in college so it's been tough

I'm only writing this because I feel AWFUL for leaving all of you hanging, I'm not here to give false hope (sorry if you clicked thinking it was an update 🥹)

For your own sake, please don't wait for an update. If one day you see Affection's Worth pop up on top again then feel free to check out the new chapter, love you all lots 💗