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The preparation had been worth the stress, everything tunred out perfectly. With the hall sparkling so bright, people chatting over each other to enjoy their night as the event passed by and all members of the RFA presence, nothing seemed to be missing. Although you're quite sad that V's not there anymore to celebrate alongside his group, doing it in his honour's the best way to assure he's still living in the hearts of everyone that attended the fundraising organization's party. And this time your chest couldn't help but glow with pride, seeing so many different people pushing aside stereotypes and coming together for good cause's such a powerful feeling as you're also responsible for it to happen. I'm so happy!! You giggled to yourself.
Saeyoung and Yoosung appeared to share the same wamrth, they both waved over to you from the other side of the room. You've been stuck in conversations the moment the doors opened, considering you're the person that the guests mailed with. They all knew about you, some even looked forward meeting you for a nice smalltalk, although you're not a fan of surface conversations, things felt better that way. Jaehee still stood on the entrance to greet the last couple guests that entered, Jumin's already preoccupied because of the press that's always finding a place on the parties. Watching Zen getting faltered by many woman at once's also worth a giggle. Poor actor.. The man talking to you offered a glass, which you took with a polite smile.
At first you talked to a speaking Teddy Bear, that certainly had been an experience. But what's there to do when the RFA member prefered inviting very unique individuals. It's not like that's a bad thing, the Teddy's funny and good for jokes. Probably the reason Saeyoung spoke to him next. One of the directors Zen worked for used extravagant charm to captivate you, the talk you had with that older man's pretty interesting. He explained the difference stages of an actor and how they access emotions inside, although it sounded easy, you're aware it's the opposite. So many cool people, I really love these parties! You're relieved things went smoothly, now that this party had been another success.
"Cheers to your talents, Miss (N)."
"Thank you, cheers to everyone who showed up!"
The young bank manager you invited by Jumin's requested smiled wide, he beamed with positivity. That's such a beautiful sight, you couldn't help but return the smile. Perhaps the bad feeling at the beginning of the party had been false anxiety. I can feel it.. this night will be great! He started to tell you about export of money, which's everything but an easy topic to follow. Apparently you need to have constant monitoring and once the cameras didn't work, the entire structure's forced to come to an hold in order to fix the technical issue. However, as fascinating as it seemed, the bad feeling in the back of your head didn't let you enjoy anything in peace. What's going on..? You're unsure how to interpret that nervous thumping inside your chest, it's like something's stressing you out.
Not wanting to come off as rude, you nodded while the man in front of you continued to talk. You looked around for a short moment, there's nothing out of ordinary though. A frown rushed over your face, no way that inner nervousness rose into your throat for nothing. Why do I feel like this..? Seeking the RFA members, you found them all on different parts of the hall. All members, except one. Saeran-? The man called you by name, asking if there's something wrong. You stared back as panic began to suffocate your chest. I can't just leave.. Therefore you hummed, letting him speak as he wished. You made it look like you're paying attention, in reality, however, you wondered where the younger Choi twin went. Does Saeyoung know?
To your bad luck the man's a waterfall when it came to words. He didn't stop pursuing this and that topic, jumping so quickly it didn't give you the chance to excuse yourself. Maybe the crowd's too much for him.. Your index finger tapped against the glass in your hand, Saeran never had been a man for parties or big events. He didn't like to be surrounded by many people, especially if he's unfamiliar with them. It's possible that he left to go back home, but you're doubting that somehow. Saeyoung didn't seem to know and he didn't tell you anything regarding going home either. He might be outside? Saeran could've left the main hall, the bulding's pretty big as there's not only the party room. He could take a walk.
Not able to contain your worry any further, you quickly excused yourself when saying you needed to use the bathroom. The banker nodded, letting you leave right away. The garden attached to the back of the building could be a place where he'd gone.. After placing down the empty glass, you quietly left through the backdoor of the stage and entered the empty halls in the back. Your high heels made your presence knowledgeable to the nothingness around, it's a bit unsettling. The part of the building's only for employees and the staff, explaining why no other soul was to find. Regardless if it's allowed or not, your gut spun the longer Saeran's out of your sight. Something's wrong. You could feel it. Where did you go? Chewing on your lower lip won't help finding him, you couldn't help yourself though.
Now that you thought about it, he'd been acting strange ever since arriving. He greeted you briefly, not starting a conversation nor did he ask you to stay close to his side like it's usually the case. Not once he made a comment on your dress, nor trying to mess with your mind as he did most of the time. Nothing. He'd been rather silent, crossing his arms when standing next to his brother and after the party offcial started, you haven't seen him ever since. How did I not notice!! Being angry with yourself's rare, considering you're always careful to make surroundings comfortable for everyone. How didn't you realize Saeran, from all people, was missing. The sound of the thick metal door being pushed filled your ears, it's oddly warm for the sun being gone.
The stars shone bright tonight, the moon almost filled with the particular, mysterious light that it offered whenever the daylight disappeared. No wind, everything's calm and peaceful. Saeran where are you? You looked around, sadly there's no other person to find than yourself. Defeated you took the phone from the pocket your dress had, searching for his number to call him instead. Did he go home after all? Another step to get into the garden, yet the silence remained. Your phone rang once, twice and a third time before the mailbox answered. You didn't like that, in fact, that's making the panic even worse. Why wasn't he picking up his phone? Saeyoung preached him countless times to keep it loud in case something happened. How's he not within reach when calling?
Worried to the bone you began to walk around the big place, the garden went all the way around. Maybe he sat down somewhere far away to make sure nobody could catch him by accident. You pressed the phone to your ear a second time, yet the outcome's the same. Only the mailbox. Damnit Saeran-! Should you call Saeyoung, perhaps? He would be able to track Saeran if things turned out to be bad. With your heartbeat stuck in your throat, you took quick albeit low steps around the windows of the building. Just why did he leave? And more importantly, why didn't he let anyone know he's leaving? He never did that before. The sudden sound of music caught you by surprise. Not very loud, nor good to understand.
There weren't words, it's a violin playing a song with a slow touch. What..? Confused you made sure your high heels couldn't give away your presence, it's just around the corner of the wall. Careful to not disturb whatever's going on, you peeked around, only to have your breath caught in your lunges. It's Saeran. Oh.. He sat against the wall, one knee lifted up with his arm laying over it. The phone in that particular hand while it played the song he'd chosen. Both eyes closed, wrinkle free facial expression. It's almost like he's doing meditation. Aside all that, somehow there's a sad vibe coming from him. If you wouldn't have known better, you'd say he's a statue by how stiff he sat. Not even his chaotic hair's moving, everything's silent. Your heartbeat picked up speed.
"Saeran-..?"
A slight hint of blush crept over your cheeks by the embarrassment your voice caused, how broken it came out. Revealing the fear of the unknown. He moved then, head finally tilted back when meeting your stare from the corner of his eyes. Unable to bring your legs into motion, both of you just stayed that way for a moment that took way too long. What's going on..? You've never been more confused before, there's clearly something wrong. The young man with red hair looked back afterwards, closing his eyes once again.
"Go back and party."
Your frown grew until it became uncomfortable. What the hell? Saeran's words felt more than just detached, not to mention that he didn't address you with any of his silly nicknames. I wonder.. Unsure what's the best thing to do, you shook your head. He couldn't see it, yet words were difficult to find.
"But.. You're gone for quite a while. Did something happen?"
"You noticed that?"
He countered immediately with another question, setting you in a very unusual position. What does that mean? You noticed that he's gone, of course you did. Although it happened pretty late in comparison, no way you wouldn't have overlooked the fact he left at some point. He's important to you, he should be acquainted with that fact by now. You walked around the corner, coming closer into his space. He didn't complain, therefore you stopped only when standing beside him. After a moment of consideration, you sat down as well. It's cold, the dress didn't make it any better. At least you're able to see the little details on his face. Still no wrinkle to find, yet the slight shadow over his face's speaking walls.
"Of course. I started to get worry.. So I called and went looking for you."
It's unsatisfying as he didn't react, instead the violin played in order to drown out the silence. What happened? You've never seen him like that before, normally he opened up about a lot when the two of you were alone. His sent rose into your nose, reminding you he also didn't pull you closer like you're used to. There's so much wrong about this situation, you couldn't go back inside and act like everything's perfect. It obviously wasn't. Saeran still refused to respond after you hooked your arm underneath his. Body temperature always so hot, the suit he wore giving you a taste of the muscles covered by it. Saeran might be tender, but he's still defined. With both your hands holding onto his arm, you also decided to lean your head against his shoulder.
"If something's wrong then you can tell me. I'm always here for you.."
Voice nothing more than a whisper, you nuzzled a bit into his shoulder. Are you sad about something? Or angry? Saeran had some anger issues, you've seen occasions in the past. However, they casued him to snap or lash out when really losing it. This was different. There must've been something bothering him that didn't take place before. Otherwise you couldn't explain this emptiness he used at the moment. The sudden shift pulled you out of thoughts, he shut off the music to put his phone away. Now it's really quiet.
"Why do you come for me. You were having fun with the guest."
The bitter touch in his tone's having your spit stay away. What does the guests have to do with anything? Still uncertain what's going on, you shook your head. Sure, you're having fun inside. But how could something be fun without Saeran on your side? Didn't he understand that yet? Where is the playful and confident man that loved to tease you so much? It let you feel slightly frustrated.
"But I was worried, you just.. disappeared."
"I'm not a fucking child. I can manage myself."
Your eyes widened, taking your head back up to see his face again. Sadly he turned away completely to make that attempt end in vain. What!? That's new, he never bit back at you before. Especially not when trying to help or understand him. His arm tensed up, the way his body began to shake lightly under your touch's alarming. With each passing second you're more and more confused. Are you hurt Saeran? He's not being rude because of your care, you're knowing Saeran too well for that. There's a secret you're unaware of that got him hissing like that. You carefully placed your hand onto his cheek, trying to pull him back for eye contact.
"Hey. I don't know what's wrong but.. You know that whatever's going on, it's okay."
Since you're ignorant about the situation, it made comforting him harder than it already was. Saeran gritted his teeth, you're able to feel his jaw clench alongside his muscles against your fingertips. Dear God.. No time to think about what else to say, all the air's pressed out of your lunges the moment your back hit the cold ground. The sudden push caught you off guard, it had your vision spinning as you tried to look back up. But Saeran just leaned over for a kiss. What–? You avoided to choke on air, that's not even remotely what you expected him to do. His lips chapped as always, pressing down against yours almost aggressively. A weak gasp escaped your lips by how fast things moved, your brain couldn't catch up.
But the wamrth of his hand on your thigh's enough to have you fall out of dizziness, his fingernails scratched over your skin to let your legs shudder. What's happening!? Normally you're okay with his kiss attacks or little touches, yet this wasn't the usual game of his. The way he's pinning you down, the strength he kept under control most of the time now left marks on your leg and neck after breaking the kiss, that's not Saeran's style. Your attempt to form words got interrupted with another kiss, his tongue pushed into your mouth after lowering your chin with the other hand. It's messy, that's all. Not even the passion of his to feel, it's just messy and if you dared to think, possessive. This isn't.. You pulled away, catching your air.
"Saeran.. What are you d-doing!? You're– You're not acting like yourself!"
It surprised you both, the tremble inside your voice. I sound.. way too scared– Saeran didn't meet your eyes, he stopped all his movements though. But he's still hovering above you, close enough for the tips of his red hair to tickle your cheek. What's gotten into you..? It's no use, you couldn't deny your body's shaking slightly from both the night and his action. At least the hot blush covering your entire face's keeping you warm. You could see Saeran's fingers try to dig into the concrete floor, it must've hurt when the tips turned paper white.
"Sorry.. I'm stupid."
That's all he offered before standing up, giving you no time to find yourself before he decided to turn around and leave. As quick as your dress allowed it, you stood up yourself to go after him. I can't believe it-! Stupid, he called himself stupid. Although you didn't understand why he'd done that, you knew it wasn't due to bad intensions. He would never ever hurt you, that's the one thing you're more confident about than anything else. It's not easy to run in high heels, luckily he didn't walk that fast. You're able to catch up after a minute or two.
"Saeran– Saeran! What's going on!? I don't get it, can't you tell me at least? I'm confused."
You brought him to an hold by pulling on the dark suit, the counterpart to his twin's suit in bright white and red. He tore away from your grip, making eye contact for the first time since you've found him out here. I... You didn't like it. He looked pained, hurt even. There's something frustrated shimmering in his bright, minty eyes. You've never seen that kind of look on his face before, it's leaving you helpless as to what to do. Saeran broke the intimacy as quickly again, speaking through his teeth as if he's trying to keep composure.
"Can't you just– Why the fuck are you even putting up with me!?"
He asked, or spat. You had no words left for that, you had to repeat the meaning a couple of times to make sure you understood correctly. Why is he saying that..? Why you put up with him? Shouldn't it be the other way around? You're not fitting for the tempo, you didn't feel brave enough for the things he wanted to share with you. Often enough you pushed him away due to the embarrassment taking over your system. Yet he's always close to you, you're the only one he approached that way. Therefore you're unable to comprehend any of this. You shook your head in confusion, feeling more lost than ever before.
"What-? But Saeran, I care about you! Why else would we.. you know.. we're c-close."
"Yeah, we're physically close because I literally can't give anything else."
Physical? We're more than that.. You swallowed the bitter taste that spread on your tongue. What was he saying? Not able to give anything else..? At this point you're just praying for him to calm down and explain what the problem was. Nothing in particular happened that could've triggered him like this, it's obviously about you both. What are you thinking? You lifted your hand, hanging uselessly in the air as you're unsure where to put it. Give something else? He gives you literally everything of him, he shares and shows so much of himself. You're certain you knew him in a way no other person on the planet did. He ruffled through his hair, a long sigh filling the air as he leaned back against the wall. Looking even more tortured.
"Have you ever thought that maybe someone normal would give you way more than I do?"
He asked, looking back at you with both anger and fear twisted in his face. You pressed your hands into each other, incapable to say anything. You're too shocked about the thoughts he revealed that probably plagued him even before tonight. Saeran stared back down to the ground, seemed like eye contact's too much for him.
"Physical contact's not special, (N). Flirting isn't special."
"Saeran..?"
"The people you talk to would– They're funny."
He suddenly let his shoulders fall, looking the most defeated. As if you just beat him black and blue. Saeran rubbed his forehead, the tension suffocating the air's hard to breath at all. You wanted to say something, that what he's referring to wasn't the entire picture. He should know that's not all to your relationship. Is he insecure? Funny? Why was he talking about other people now? But then there's a tiny click in the back of your head, a detail that explained all this behavior and his frustration in the first place. It made all sense, hitting your chest heavily. Jealously..
"They're kind and open. They have charisma, okay? I don't have any of this. I'm weird and I fucking know that."
He stopped himself, breathing through his nose while he corssed his arms. You watched his nails dig into his upper arm, at the spot where the suit covered his tattoo. It must've reminded him. Weird, he thought he is to other people. What he saw himself as. Didn't calling himself stupid's bad enough? Your own frustration began to turn into anger. Saeran shrugged his shoulders.
"What I show is easily replaceable. Literally everyone could make you feel the way I do, probably even better. You just– You can't know that!"
You opened your mouth to that, yet no sound escaped. Saeran saw it out of the corners of his eyes, instead of giving you time to find the right words, he just clicked his tongue behind his teeth. Becoming more and more worked up with the second by the way his hands cramped deeper into the fabric of his suit. It couldn't be healthy.
"You think I'm good at this because you don't have any comparison."
Why do you think so low of yourself..You knew Saeran's dealing with inner voices and demons due to his past. Saeyoung told you lots of stories Saeran didn't share yet, you understood where he's coming from and why it's difficult for him. But God, this wasn't his fault. You didn't want any comparison, you didn't need such a thing. Because he already claimed the space in your heart as his. You always suspected he's aware, that's what made him so bold. But it seemed you've mistaken. For how long did he bear these insecurities to now spill over by just talking to some of the guests? I never even considered.. You're always so busy keeping your own anxiety and shame under control you never thought about him maybe dealing with similar fears.
"It's not fucking special and.. and I hate myself that it's all I can show. Because I know one day you just-"
"Saeran..!"
"You end up leaving me like everyone else."
Hate yourself!? Your head shot back up, eyes wide in shock of him just thinking about such impossibility. How much of him was filled with doubt to face such nonsense. Abandonment issues... Saeyoung's voice whispered into your subconscious. He's scared of being abandoned. Given his past, you couldn't be mad for him to question you like this either. It's neither your nor his fault, but there he stood. Acting like he's to blame for all the things that went wrong or didn't go the way he hoped. Even with you, never once you figured he's scared when it came to you. Have I been so wrong..? I always thought.. he's confident in his actions. Saeran pushed himself from the wall.
"I can't keep you beside me just because I touch you right, I know that's not.. that isn't how things work. Just leave me alone."
He sighed louder this time, moving his feet again to get away completely. The panic crawling into your system paired with the shock of the secrets he'd been dealing with almost knocked you over. Are you really thinking like this!? For how long did he live with the belief that one day you're fed up with his touch and look for someone else? When did the idea popped into his head that it's all just temporarily? And above all, how is he suddenly the one worrying this relationship's just physical? That had been one of your biggest fears ever since the incident at the beach. You couldn't take that he's dealing with the exact same toxicity coming from that thought. He cares like you do, therefore you shared the same pain.
Everything regarding his intension's somehow messed over, now that you're knowing the truth, your heart's hammering like crazy behind your ribcage. No way.. You couldn't let this escalate any further, it's bad enough you didn't find your voice until now. Being torn to shreds from the inside, you quickly grabbed him by the suit to pull his body back against yours. Since he hadn't been prepared, both of you almost lost balance. Luckily you caught yourself to take him into a tight embrace, both arms around him to be as close as possible. No no.. Hot tears pricked at the corners of your eyes. Don't leave! Unable to stop the sob that filled the air, you pressed your face into his back.
"B-But.. But you're not weird. You're n-not replaceable!! I like you, S-Saeran– I don't care about other people..!"
You tried to not let the sobs and hiccups take over your voice, this was important. He's so important to you and you never questioned that he's not aware of that. You would never judge him just because he showed his affection and care differently than other people, you learned over all these months and years that he's able to give everything someone else could give. His way of showing, it's just in other language. He's not good with words. That's why him spilling so much had you worked up to the core. Saeran.. Saeran Saeran.. You didn't know what you're begging for inside your head, but you're definitely in need of saying something.
"I-I like you for more reasons! You– You're smart a-and nice to be around.. I like that you're straightforward. Even.. Even if I'm often flustered b-because of that."
That's quite brave for you to open up about because you would think he's going to hold that against you in these games of his. But since you're enlightened now, it's certain he wouldn't. Man.. You sniffed away the tears that ran down your cheeks, not letting loose from him. You couldn't risk him running away without knowing how you're feeling, after he told you his guts, it's only fair to return that gesture. His sent helped you find calm in the situation, giving you the opportunity to breath through and collect your words. He managed that every time, it's no news he's the source of both your nervousness and calmness.
"You're more to me than just.. attraction. I always thought– I thought you knew that."
"How? I never give you anything else–"
"Not true! You g-give me affection, attention and.. and y-you show me.. other sides of you too. It makes me feel special."
The blush reached into your ears. Please don't go.. You couldn't stop repeat the prayers like a broken record. Please don't leave now.. He needed to accept he's more than just what he's capable of showing openly. The small details or little moments gave away how much he truly cared about you, even if it's not present all the time. It didn't imply for him to not feel anything, it's just that it's more difficult for him than other people without such a dark past. You understood it all, there's nothing about Saeran you're not willing to consider. By the deeper stuff you both showed the other, it's safe to assume you knew how to read and respond to him, just as these rules worked for him. Saeran breathed out, you could feel it.
"You'll get sick of me, (N). I won't be able to change this anytime soon."
His words felt like knifes stabbing through your chest, the more he spoke the harder it became to not scream into his face that you're in love with him. Another time. This wasn't the moment, but there were other ways to show it. You let go of him to step in front of his body, successfully blocking his escape route. Still not brave enough to look into your eyes, you cupped his cheeks instead. They're warm under your fingertips, a lovely shade of pink. Only now you noticed he's also fighting hot water before it won and ran over his face. Saeran.. You're not used to experience his low phases like this. It's about time, I guess. You cleared your throat, keeping your voice as soft as possible.
"I would never ever.. get sick of you. You don't have to change either, I get it. I know how to read between the lines. You give me enough, Saeran.. I promise."
You wiggled his face slightly, from the left to the right and back. He followed without resistance, looking down in front of the ground. You silly.. The tears seemed to have become too hard to hold as they began to roll over his cheeks, shimmering bright underneath the moonlight. Although the tension's still hanging in the air, at least he gave himself premission to let it out. It's not often he's open to show such a valuable state to another person. You're grateful he's willing to let you see it. I love you.. Words you're not yet having enough courage to speak, instead whispered them in your mind before leaning up on your tiptoes for a kiss. Saeran didn't return it right away, he let you move your lips against his slowly, taking in their shape and his taste.
You smiled against him when feeling both his hands come up to hold you by the waist, going around your body until they're laying flat on your back. That felt safe, comfortable. Something he'd given you since day one, a feeling you cherished more than anything else in the world. Silly.. You pulled away just enough to repeat the kiss, nothing other than a silent promise, you hoped he got the message. Silly boy. Finally he opened his eyes when holding your gaze, the mint now a cool blue due to the night. They're lighter, brighter after telling him your heart. It's a beautiful look for him, hopefully he would never lose that inner flame that's burning inside him, it never failed to have you captivated. He's only a bit older than you, yet he managed to remind you of a young child at times.
Not a noise, instead he looked down to his hands that ran back to your hips, there were words laying on his tongue, it's obvious. Don't push yourself.. You stroked your thumb over his heated cheek, all of his wamrth against your body's so lovely. Saeran nodded, more to himself than you before leaning down to give you another kiss. Just as sweet, a bit more shy, even. How cute, that's a rare side of Saeran you don't get to experience every day. After he pulled away, your forehead was pushed against his by his big hand on the back of your head, his hair still ticklish.
"I'm sorry. For earlier, for blowing up.. I'm sorry for everything."
The smile on your face widened, of course he was. When wasn't he sorry for the tiniest mistake or emotional explosions, he's always stuck in regret. One day he should leave that guilt behind, however, you appreciated his apology regardless. You nodded, leaving a lingering kiss on his left cheek. There's nothing I wouldn't forgive you! He raised an eyebrow by your little giggle, but it's the truth. You pulled away from him, taking both his hands along the way. Letting him go's not an option, he'd been gone too long.
"Can we go back inside? Let's enjoy the rest of the party together!"
You offered, voice being back to your usual self. He must've picked up on that, bringing another sweet smile onto his lips. Saeran hummed this time, letting you take the lead inside the bulding to go back to the RFA and the party that's taking place. With his hand firm in yours, the bad intuition from earlier let go completely. Now you're ready to celebrate the way it's meant to be, with Saeran beside you and the other members, there's nothing you wanted more. He'd been quiet when walking back, yet you didn't miss how his eyes stayed stuck on your hands. It shoot the blush up to the tip of your ears. At the end of the corridor he came to an hold, pulling you back slightly. Before you're able to ask, his words came out mumbled.
"Thank you, angel. I'm very glad I have you.."
Again, there's more weight in the back of his throat, waiting to be unleashed. But you're both certain he's not able to speak any of it, therefore you smiled back, squeezing his hand. Yeah I get it.. You placed your free hand against the door to get back inside, the music and people already audible. Saeran's own blush increased on color as you snickered softly.
"I'm just as happy to have you with me, Saeran."