Chapter Text
Say something, say something,
something like you love me.
When all is said and done, Isabella’s ghost burnt up in thin air and Sam is all packed up and ready to go, Dean returns to the church.
The cathedral is empty, no priests or nuns lurking in the shadows. Only flickering candles left by devout parishioners, lined up along the walls illuminating the holy icons. Their wispy smoke rises, lifting prayers to heaven, to an absent father and uncaring angels. Everything is silent, peaceful. Dean feels out of place, the Mark burns underneath his shirt, pulsating with the beat of his heart, wanting, wanting, wanting. He clears his throat, as he moves down the aisle and the noise reverberates against the walls, echoing like a gong. He sits down in the second row of pews, glancing around in the dim light. He’s not alone, that’s for sure. There is someone, or something here with him, it might be an angel, another ghost, or who knows even God himself might have decided to grace Dean with his presence.
Dean clasps his hands together, folding his fingers down onto the top of his hands and leans forward, resting his hands onto the top of the front pew. He closes his eyes, bows his head and takes a deep breath in.
“Prayin’s never been easy for me. So I never prayed, not for many years, I couldn’t see the point. If God, if he was around he didn’t give a rat’s ass about me or my family or all the hell he allowed to happen to us. I figured if he didn’t care, why should I bother giving up my time to him.”
Dean pauses, his voice loud in the silence and with every word, he breaks the holiness. He’s full of poison, every word that leaves his mouth drips dark, falling onto the floor at his feet, spreading into a black puddle. He shouldn’t be here.
“I guess, after all I’ve done, after all these years, there’s something in me that isn’t ready to go yet. This thing, this curse inside me, it’s going to kill me I can feel it. And this time my death will be final, no take backs, no soul selling, nothing. I’ll be dead for real. Even though I’ve spent my entire life looking in the face of death, I can’t.... I can’t leave. Not yet. There’s so much I need to say, that I need to do. I... I want Sam to know that I’m so proud of him, for everything we’ve done together, how many people we saved. I want him to know that not being able to save me isn’t his fault, that it’s okay, that he can’t save everyone. I want him to know that I love him so goddamn much and that he’s the best brother any guy could ever ask for and I’m happy, so fucking happy that he’s my mine. I want him to know that when I die, it’s okay for him to live his own life, that he doesn’t have to bring me back. I know he’ll be alright, eventually, he’s strong like that.”
He takes a shaky breath in, wiping away a few sneaky tears that trail down his cheeks with his coat sleeve.
“And Cas... there’s so many things I wanna say to him. So many things I’ve tried to say but never found the words and now I’m running out of time and I’m worried I won’t get the chance to tell him the truth. Cause I don’t know when it happened, maybe it was Purgatory, maybe it was later, maybe it was the day that I met him in that barn seven years ago, but somewhere along the way I figured out that I can’t live without him. And goddamnit I’m in love with him.”
Dean sniffles, lips tipping up into the hint of smile. That’s the first time he’s ever admitted it to himself out loud that he is in love with Cas. He waits for the dread to come, the bolt of lightening from God, the damnation. But there’s nothing, only peace and a thousand weights lifted off his shoulders. Freedom.
He releases a breath that he didn’t know he’d been holding, unclasping his hands and resting them on his thighs. “I guess this is my true confession: I’m scared shitless. I’m scared of dying, I’m scared of dying and not knowing what it would have been like to... to be with him. I guess I’ll never know cause I’m too much of a coward to say something and I don’t wanna mess everything up. He’s my best friend and I can’t... I won’t lose him over wanting to be more than that.”
He bites his lip, swallowing down a sob as a new batch of tears slide down his cheeks.
“I think... I think the problem is that I know Cas would make me happy. I know... I know he... he wants this, me, whatever too but I... I’ve never felt like this about anyone, ever. Not Lisa, not Cassie, no one. It’s too big, there’s too much at stake and I just... I just can’t.”
His hands find his face, cover his eyes, and he cries. He cries over thousands of missed chances, of a reckless life, of wanting, wanting, wanting and never finding solace, and of needing, always needing.
A gentle hand alights on his shoulder and he jolts upright, not bothering to hide his red eyes and tear-streaked face.
“Agent Almond?” Sister Matthias says. She appeared out of nowhere, Dean must have been too focused to even hear her walk down the aisle.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be in here, I’ll leave, I’m just.. I was just...” Dean stutters, shakily rising to his feet.
Her grip is firm on his shoulder, but her eyes are soft and caring, “It’s alright.”
Dean looks up at her with wide eyes, slowly sitting back down.
“How much did you hear?” He asks.
She smiles softly, “Enough. Would you like to talk about it?”
Dean shakes his head, “No, no that’s okay. It’s... I’m fine.”
Sister Matthias frowns. “I will not judge you. Christ taught us to love and care for those who are in pain, and it is obvious you are in great pain.”
Dean looks up at her, then nods slowly. “Okay.”
He scoots over on the pew so she can sit next to him. He clasps his hands in his lap and avoids her prying eyes. It’s easier that way.
“Tell me about Cas, “She says.
“You sure about that Sister? I thought the whole gay thing was kinda against your religion?”
“We are not all so closed-minded, Agent, especially me.”
“Oh... well what do you wanna know?”
“You love him, but you are reluctant to tell him, why?”
Dean sighs, raising his eyes and fixing them on the stained-glass window above him, depicting an angel - he’s not sure which one - wings outstretched, face solemn, powerful.
Dean shrugs. “He’s been my best friend for seven years, he’s given up everything for me, multiple times, he’s... gone against his family to save me to help me, but this past year I’ve... I’ve done some bad things. I’ve done some things that even someone as... uh angelic as him couldn’t look past so I guess I’m worried that if he did love me, he doesn’t anymore.”
Sister Matthias nods, reaching over and covering Dean’s hand with her own. “I understand.”
“You do?” Dean asks, turning to her, confused.
“I loved someone once and I regret every day I didn’t tell her.”
“Her?”
“Yes. Her name was Cecila. I met her my third year of college. We were... best friends and I found myself falling for her, faster and harder than any other girl before. I was raised... with a fairly conservative family, they knew about my sexuality but were not accepting and sent me off to a Christian College hoping I would shape up. I was overwhelmed. I loved Cecila more than anything, but knew my family wouldn’t ever accept our love for each other, so I did the only logical thing: I ran. I ended up here, broken hearted, lost, hopeless. To deal with my grief I committed my life to Christ and I... I feel as whole as a person can be, but if I’m being honest, sometimes, a lot of the time I feel out of place, and wrong. Don’t make the same mistake I did, Agent.”
“So what, you think I should tell him?”
Sister Matthias contemplates this, worrying her lip between her teeth, before fixing her eyes confidently on Dean’s. “I think that if he is as devoted to you as you say he is, if he’s done all these things for you, if he’s... given up his life for you, then despite whatever bad you have done, he will forgive you. It is clear that he loves you a great deal. I was taught that one cannot have love without sacrifice and sometimes, sacrifice is the biggest sign of love. You should tell him.”
Dean nods, squeezing her hand. It’s going to take a hell of a lot of strength he doesn’t have to tell Cas. He has no fucking clue how to tell him, but he will. He has to, he can’t die not knowing.
“You know something Sister, If it’s not too late for me, then it’s not too late for you either.”
Sister Matthias glances down at her lap and shakes her head vigorously. “No, I couldn’t... I’ve already taken my vows, she’s... she’s probably forgotten all about me.”
“Do you want her?” Dean asks.
“More than anything,” Sister Matthias replies without a second thought.
“Then go get her, kid.”
She smiles, brilliantly and Dean smiles back. The sun comes out from behind the clouds and shines through the glass panes, sending colors dancing across the church walls - a sign of a new beginning.
“Thanks,” Dean says rising from the pew. “I should get going.”
“Of course,” Sister Matthias says as Dean steps past her, “but promise me something.”
“Sure.”
“I don’t know what it is you’re going through, but obviously you have people who care about you so promise me you won’t give up, that you’ll keep fighting.”
“I promise,” Dean says.
“Thank you. Take care of yourself, okay?”
“You too, Sister.”
With one last squeeze of her hand, Dean leaves the church. Stepping out into the bright sunshine and climbing into the passenger seat next to his brother.
Dean calls Cas when they make a pit stop in Syracuse. His voices shakes when he says Cas’s name and he almost drops the phone in his lap. He asks Cas to meet them back at the bunker in two days, he doesn’t say why, just that he needs him to be there. It’s enough, he knows it’s enough. Cas agrees instantly. It’s then that Dean realizes this might be the hardest thing he ever has to do, but in the end it will be worth it.