Work Text:
It's not a silly little moment
It's not the storm before the calm
This is the deep and dying breath of
This love that we've been working on
Now
Carlos rests his forehead to the steering wheel of his patrol car, taking what feels like his first real breath of this tiring day. Between arresting Marjan this morning, the collapse of the shelter, and seeing TK for the first time since they called it quits, today seems keen on throwing him into the most unexpected scenarios.
He settles himself for a moment now, attempting in vain to clear his thoughts as the heat inside the car kicks in. It’s a welcomed sensation after the hours he’s spent outside today. Austin wasn’t built for this and apparently, neither is he.
His phone buzzes in the console, stirring him from his thoughts. Nancy’s name flashes across the screen with a new message. He groans, reluctant to see what she has to say now. Given that mortifying run-in with the paramedics, he’s half expecting teasing of some kind. She’s never been shy about that sort of thing and it’s been both a blessing and curse— depending on if he’s on the receiving end of her quips or not.
He figures there’s little use in delaying the inevitable, blindly reaching for his phone to see what awaits him.
The last text from her is an invite to a 126 hangout, of which Carlos kindly declined. He’d become good friends with everyone in the station but in the end, they were TK’s team. There was no doubt his ex would be there. If their run-in earlier proved anything to Carlos, it’s that they truly are not ready to be in the same room with each other. He could barely get through a sentence after seeing TK face to face for a few short seconds. Surely an entire evening would be agony.
Carlos is expecting a follow-up message from Nancy, not so subtly prodding him to suck it up. To be the one to make amends because “somebody has to do it”. Carlos is done chasing after people. It’s a promise he made to himself even before TK came blowing through his life so unexpectedly and it’s a promise he has every intention to keep–– now more than ever.
He has half the mind to tell her just that, his thumbs already hovering over the screen when he notices the bluntness of her back to back messages. It takes him a second for his eyes and mind to sync but when they do, Carlos wishes he could will away what he’s just seen.
Nance
Get to the hospital ASAP
TK’s just been admitted
Hurry
There’s no conscious decision, no hesitation or concern over whether he should go or not. Relationship status be damned.
It’s by a miracle Carlos gets to the hospital so soon given the extreme weather conditions outside but from the moment he arrives, he wastes no time in rushing to the small gathering of familiar faces in this all too familiar building.
Nancy is the first to approach him, intercepting him right at the nurses’ station. There must be something to him, an edge to his body that makes her regard him with such control as if preparing to talk him down off a ledge.
“How serious is it, Nancy?” he asks her gravely, not wanting some sort of preamble as he looks at her directly.
He can see it in her eyes, the flicker of uncertainty in how to tell him the full extent of TK’s injuries. The look betrays the hesitancy before the words can even leave her mouth.
“Honestly, it’s not good.”
Carlos is sure it’s more than the cold of the storm raging through Austin that makes his insides freeze up. They’ve been down this road before; this marks the third time he’s found himself at the hospital for TK. But this runs far too parallel to the very first trip, the one where TK landed in a coma and Carlos had no idea where they stood in each other's lives.
The sense of deja vu is debilitating for a moment but Carlos can’t allow himself to give in to those fears just yet. He needs to see the damage with his own eyes, even as the words shock and hypothermia get lobbed at him. He takes the hit of Nancy’s recap, torn between feeling pride at TK for stepping up like that to save a kid and anger at him for being so reckless with his own safety.
The words she says are coherent enough but, perhaps out of self-preservation, he can’t fully accept them. Nancy’s got tears in her eyes and Carlos holds on to her, still grappling to make sense of it all.
Eventually this will catch up to him, the weight of all he’s keeping at bay. Of all he has been keeping locked away for weeks now.
Once that dam breaks, there will be no turning back, he knows.
Then
Meals at his parents house had become second nature since the fire that claimed their home. At first it’d merely been a matter of circumstance, Andrea fretting and insisting the boys have a good home-cooked meal. Even now that they’ve landed on their feet, it’s more or less tradition— much like Sunday dinners at his aunt— for Carlos and TK to dine at the Reyes family ranch every other Friday night.
It’s been nice this past year, falling into routines with TK, carving out ways for them to be together as often as their hectic lives allow them to. Trips to the farmers market, standing beside each other in the kitchen as they cooked or tackled dishes, nights spent lazing about in bed. Carlos has become addicted to it all.
Carlos sits with his father and TK in the living room as they wait for dinner, Andrea banishing him from the kitchen after his offers to help her. Gabriel keeps busy with an Astros game for company, leaving TK and Carlos to pass the time flitting through an old family album
TK rests his head on Carlos’ shoulder as he looks on.
“Of course you were the most adorable kid ever,” TK comments at a photo of Carlos at age five smiling widely at the camera.
“I really was, wasn’t I?” he muses, pressing a kiss to the top of TK’s head. “Thanks, babe.”
They comb through the album, Carlos telling stories from the different snap shots of his family’s history.
He smiles warmly at a photo of his parents on their wedding day, the sheer joy on their faces forever encapsulated.
Decades of love, cultivated like a field that has given rise to life in every sense. It’s this love that created him. It’s this love that he’s coveted all his life, just hopeful for the day he’d be able to find his person. He’s had a front row seat his whole life to what a happy, healthy union looks like and for as long as he can remember, Carlos has kept his heart open.
After years of searching and falling short, he’s felt that he’s finally gotten it right. The road with TK hadn’t always been easy but Carlos feels as if they’ve got feet planted firmly on the ground now.
“Dinner’s ready!” his mother calls out.
Carlos sets the album aside and holds on to TK’s hand as they head over into the dining room, only letting go once they’ve settled in at the table.
He and TK recount their days to his parents over his grandmother’s ropa vieja, TK still lamenting over the loss of the 126 but trying to keep his spirits up nonetheless, grateful that at the very least he still has Tommy and Nancy to offer some type of normalcy to the workday, some small comfort in the grand scheme of things.
A small dot sauce at the side of his mouth. He grins at TK, finding him impossibly endearing like this
“You’ve got a little…I’ve got it,” he says, grabbing his napkin.
Carlos wipes TK’s cheek and rolls his eyes affectionately. TK scrunches up his nose at him and Carlos fights the urge to kiss the teasing smirk off his lips.
Carlos takes a hold of TK’s hand, bringing it to his lips. TK meets his gaze, that shy half smile that Carlos can never get enough of painting his mouth. It’s always so easy to get wrapped up in it, these small moments that band together to mean absolutely everything.
Andrea sighs softly and Carlos looks away then, finding her looking between the pair of them.
“Just look at you two. Won’t be long until you’re a married couple yourself,” she says with such conviction as she adds more rice to her plate
Carlos smiles back at her; he can’t help but to agree. Just the thought alone makes something warm flare up inside him.
The feeling of joy fades quickly. Beside him, TK’s shoulder tenses out of the corner of his eye. It’s a gesture so minute it appears to go unnoticed by his mother and father who lapse into their own conversation without missing a bit but Carlos cannot unsee this. He’s far too attuned with TK now not to notice even the smallest of changes in his demeanor.
As if needing more proof, TK’s hand slips away and runs through his hair. Carlos looks at TK in full, watches the way his knuckles whiten as he grips his fork now and avoids his gaze, the way his body leans just slightly to the left as if putting up space between them. It may as well be a wall with the way TK feels closed off to him now, hidden behind a veiled, unnamable thing.
Dinner passes far more quickly than Carlos is expecting. With his mind elsewhere, time just seems to move without his knowledge. He goes through the motions of saying his goodbye to his parents, making promises to keep in touch and see them soon.
From the moment they step foot outside, it feels as if all they’ve been keeping in now cloaks the air around them. Carlos hates the way it presses against his skin, how it seeps in like ink from a tattoo.
As they settle into the car, the silence becomes too much and Carlos refuses to have it be another passenger on their journey back home.
“You feel so far away right now.”
He doesn’t mean for it to sound like an accusation but maybe it is one.
“I’m just tired. Today’s finally catching up to me,” TK says, tipping his head back against the headrest of his seat.
The gesture feels more like the period at the end of a sentence but a conversation needs to be had tonight, for Carlos’ sanity if nothing else. If anything this is an ellipsis. A to be continued.
He doesn’t press the issue as he drives them home but his thoughts persist the whole ride over.
As they step into their apartment and he drops his keys on the small table beside the door, the words he’s been warring with begin to bubble up to the surface.
“Are you really tired or do you just not know what to say to me right now?” he asks as they enter the living room.
TK looks up from where he’s just seated himself on the couch, his brow raised. This is coming out far more confrontational than Carlos would like.
“I just…I thought you started acting differently the second my mom brought up marriage. I mean, I know we’re still in the early stages here. I’m not expecting us to run off and get married this weekend,” he jokes, hoping to lighten the mood.
However TK’s face remains contemplative and Carlos gets the sneaking suspicion that he won’t like what he has to say.
“But you do want to get married at some point though?”
Carlos’ head tips slightly as laughs a bit nervously.
“Well, of course. When the time is right. I’d want to have it all with you.”
TK licks his lips, his shoulders caving as he looks away. His eyes dart around and Carlos can’t tell if he’s staving off tears or searching for an answer on the other side of the room.
“TK?” he prompts.
At the sound of his name, TK seems to come back to himself but he’s got a far away look in his eyes still that doesn’t bode well in the slightest.
“Doesn’t that scare you?” TK asks.
“What? Knowing that I’d like to spend forever with you? No, it doesn’t. Why would it?”
TK shakes his head. “Not that part. I mean…binding yourself to another person like that.”
Carlos blinks twice. They don’t talk about TK’s ex but Carlos doesn’t see how he can avoid that particular elephant in the room.
“I don’t…I’m having a hard time understanding what you pictured would come next for us, if not this. You had marriage on your mind once before.”
TK scoffs tersely to himself.
“Yeah, and look where that got me in the end.”
Here with me, Carlos thinks. For as much as he hates the hardships TK faced, it’s what led him to Austin in the first place. But he keeps the thought to himself as TK continues.
“I found out that the guy I wanted to spend forever with was cheating me and wound up relapsing. My dad has been married and divorced. Twice. Not exactly ringing endorsements. Marriage…it’s the kiss of death,” he says, his chest rising and falling quickly.
TK stops himself then and steadies himself but Carlos feels anything but tethered right now. His mind and body are in two very different places at the moment.
“Why can’t we just enjoy this? What we have now? Can’t that be enough?” he continues, reaching for Carlos’ hand.
But Carlos can’t bring himself to look at him, let alone touch him now.
His hand balls into a fist at his side, his nails biting into his skin. Carlos focuses on the sharp sting in order to distract himself from the prickling in his eyes.
“Because I’m always going to want more for us,” he says softly. “And that will always be too much for you.”
The full scope of that comes to him in painstaking clarity.
He forces himself to look up at TK. What he finds are furrowed brows and familiar green eyes that are clouded and wet.
“I don’t want to lose us,” TK says. “I love you more than anything. You know that.”
“I do, which is why I don’t get why the thought of marriage is something you’ve apparently ruled out. I—I know you’ve been through hell and back with that guy. But I’m not Alex and we are not your parents. TK…,” Carlos stops short, swallowing hard on words he never thought he’d say to him.
TK comes closer, placing his hands on either side of Carlos’ face but Carlos can’t look him in the eyes.
“What is it? I love you, Carlos, please.”
A traitorous tear rolls down Carlos’ cheek. He can barely hear anything over the rushing in his ears, the thudding of his heart.
“I love you too. But this…,” he trails off.
TK lowers his hands at once and takes a small step back. They’re only inches apart but the distance between them runs far deeper than he could have ever imagined or even known was there.
“Are we breaking up?” TK asks, his voice barely above a whisper.
The question stops Carlos for a moment. These were words he himself had once spoken before on a different night months ago with TK at his doorstep. They’d been able to weather the fallout of Carlos working through letting his parents in on their relationship. They’ve made leaps and bounds to levels Carlos could only ever dream of at seventeen.
For all intents and purposes, it should have been smooth sailing onward to a long and happy future together. But if he’s been the only one between the two of them having this dream, what exactly would he be setting himself up for instead?
Some obstacles were just too big to get around, some matters that couldn’t be compromised. And this, the matter of a future he’s dreamed of since forever, requires a sacrifice too great.
Now
Time means nothing in hospitals, Carlos concludes. As he sits flanked by Nancy and Tommy, hand in hand, he’s unsure of just how long he’s been seated here.
Five minutes. A lifetime. It all blurs together with his thoughts as suffocating as they are now. They’ve been briefed by the hospital staff and still, the grave diagnosis feels disconnected.
Time marches on and Carlos’ mind plays back his moments with TK like a montage, from the grand milestones to the everyday little things that he’s held just as dear.
Owen is in with him now and Carlos both dreads and longs for the moment he’s able to see TK with his own eyes.
The time comes, Owen standing before him now with the most stricken expression etched into his face. Carlos feels sick to his stomach.
“If you’re ready, you should go in and see him,” Owen says, clearly picking up on the sudden panic that’s overtaken him.
He’s not strong enough to go alone and if these last few weeks apart from TK, keeping his feelings bottled in, have taught him anything, it’s that perhaps there’s merit in admitting when he can’t shoulder a heavy burden alone.
He turns to Nancy, finding her hand already outstretched towards him. He holds on, so overrun with gratitude he can’t even get the words out. She nods once, clearly understanding.
His legs are somehow sturdy enough to carry him forward. He supposes that’s the adrenaline at play. Nancy slows down midway through the corridor and Carlos’ heart pounds hard against his chest.
He falters outside of TK’s room, almost paralyzed by the sight before him. Through the window of the room, he can see TK lying perfectly still and the eeriness is enough to take the wind out of him for a moment. Once again his mind races back to those tentative months, a relationship undefined but feelings clear as day in the aftermath of TK being shot.
Here he is now again on the fringes of TK’s life but unlike that very first time, there’s genuine history between them. Not only that, but a mutual love he knows won’t ever fade— in spite of everything.
The room is too sterile, too cold, too lacking. In warmth, in joy, in TK’s presence though he’s physically right there. It all feels so wrong, like some warped reality where everything is the opposite of how it should be.
His eyes burn with unshed tears.
This isn’t real. This isn’t real. This can’t be happening. Not again.
“Are you going to be okay?” Nancy asks, her hand gently resting on his forearm.
Carlos blinks twice, forcing his eyes away from the framed view of his ex-boyfriend just beyond the glass.
“Doesn’t matter. I just need to know that he will be.”
Carlos swallows hard and looks back at TK, trying to understand how and why TK is repeatedly at risk of being taken from him.
He takes a step closer to the window and peers inside. When he said goodbye to TK that night, he hadn’t meant for it to be a final farewell.
Time was cruel, the way it always makes a person think there’s more of it than there truly is.
He thinks back on every failed attempt from his friends and parents to get him to speak to TK again. He’d remained firm in his convictions these last few weeks, certain this was all for the best— a firm believer that if something wasn’t meant to be, it simply wasn’t.
If only TK would open his eyes now, show some sign that things will be alright, he’d latch on to it like a life raft in this raging, treacherous sea.
It’s a strange feeling to mourn something that never got a chance to exist in the first place but the future Carlos had once seen weighed so heavily on his heart. He hadn’t stopped to consider this possibility of an even greater loss, one there’d be no coming back from at all.
His jaw clenches as he rests his head against the pane, a silent prayer spoken in his mind as he braces himself to go in.
Please let him be okay.