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Moiraine looked in the mirror. Her first day in the tower was the first day she let her hair down since she was a child. She wasn’t Cairhien anymore, not Moiraine Damodred anymore. Here she was just one of the novices, just Moiraine. She had never just been anyone before. With each pin she took out, she left a piece of her old home behind, the Daes Dae’mar, the orderly streets she was greeted by each morning, the constant fight for power by her family, and even within her family. As she donned the simple and plain white robes of a novice, she knew today was going to be the first day of the rest of her life.
Moiraine remembered those first weeks almost fondly. She would be running around the tower with the other novices, doing the most gruelling tasks, like cleaning toilets and scrubbing the stairs while her hair kept falling in the way. One time Siuan had even joked that Moiraine didn’t need a mop, her hair already did the work for her. All the other girls had laughed at that, but Moiraine just couldn’t. She kept her head down as always and walked away as she tried to keep her tears at bay.
That night, after washing her hair once, twice, three times, just to get all the grime of the day out, she heard a soft knock. She softly groaned, as if today had not already been exhausting enough, but she took a deep breath, made her face appear neutral, and opened the door.
“Hi,” said the girl with her hair already bundled up underneath her scarf for the night.
“Siuan,” Moiraine responded. Not exactly thrilled with the prospect of welcoming the girl in her room, she stood in the doorway.
“I— uh,” Siuan hesitated. That was not like her, Moiraine thought to herself, generally one could say that that there was no one that had more confidence and swagger than Siuan Sanche. “I just wanted to say sorry, about this afternoon. I shouldn’t have said that.”
Moiraine said nothing, but moved away from the doorway. Siuan understood and walked in. Moiraine had learned from a young age to hide her emotions from her body, but Siuan was clearly not well practiced in that, the bounce in her leg, the fiddling fingers, the fluttering of her eyelashes as her eyes darted around the room, they all betrayed her nervousness. What do you have to be nervous for?
“The past months you’ve always had your hair hang loose, and it’s so long, and it just doesn’t seem convenient, and, well, anyways, I wanted to give you this.” Siuan pulled a handkerchief out of her pocket, “you could tie your hair up if you wanted,” she said with a small smile.
Moiraine let her fingers run over the soft fabric, coloured like the sky on a spring morning. There was a pattern embroidered in them, one of many knots and lines running over and across one another. And in one corner she found a small fish, which was given the most detail possible on so small a canvas. “It’s beautiful,” she whispered softly.
“Thanks,” Siuan said as she stopped fidgeting with her nightgown, “I’ve been working on it for months now, especially getting the intricacies of the pike right was difficult. My father did always say I gotta practice my knots every night,” Siuan said, with a tenderness Moiraine was not accustomed to.
“I can’t accept this Siuan,” Moiraine said as she looked Siuan in the eyes, “not if you’ve been spending months on it. Don’t give me something just because you feel sorry for me, or,” she muttered under her breath, “because you want something from me.”
Siuan chuckled. “Oh please Moiraine, you know I don’t do anything I don’t wanna do. I think it would look good on you. “And,” Siuan gave her a pointed look, “I especially don’t want anything in return.” Siuan sighed, as her voice got more gentle again, “see it as an offer of friendship instead, it’s up to you to accept it.”
If there was anything Moiraine had not expected, it was that. Siuan Sanche wanted to be friends with her? With Scheming Moiraine? She knew that’s what the other girls thought of her and that that was part of the reason why she hadn’t made any friends in the White Tower. And could she truly fault them for that? Regardless of what she wanted, she would always be seen as Moiraine Damodred.
Moiraine sat down on her bed, her slender fingers still tracing the beautiful patterns embroidered on the fabric. She felt Siuan’s eyes piercing through her, but she could not return the look. “Why?”
Siuan plopped down next to her. “Because you have kind eyes. And I don’t like how the other girls are weird around you. You’d think you’ve contracted the plague or something.” Moiraine’s eyelashes fluttered up and down. Siuan raised an eyebrow at her, “You didn’t, right?” she said as slowly leaned away from Moiraine.
“No!” Moiraine exclaimed, “no, I didn’t,” she gave a nervous smile, “it’s just that I’ve never had anyone want to be my friend before. People just want favours from me.” Moiraine finally met Siuan’s eyes.
“That is so sad,” Siuan said as she started laughing and Moiraine couldn’t help but smile with her. “Well, you’ve got me now.” Siuan smiled the most radiant and kind and exhilarating smile Moiraine had ever seen, she could got lost in that smile. “Can I ask,” Siuan said, as her smile faded, “why don’t you just braid your hair like the rest of us?”
“The only styles I know are Cairhien, and I don’t want to wear those anymore.” Moiraine hoped the girl who’s thigh was now touching hers wouldn’t ask more. She had no desire to explain her reluctance towards making herself appear more Cairhien than she had to. Her short stature and dark brown hair already communicated her Cairhienness for her.
“Oh. Well, I could show you a Tairen style? It’s not very fancy, just meant to keep your hair out of the way during the fishing.” Siuan shifted slightly and her thigh pressed harder into Moiraine’s.
“Okay,” Moiraine said, “but only if it’s not a bother.”
“Did I not already tell you that I don’t do anything I don’t want to do?” Moiraine gave Siuan a timid smile as she turned around to grab her brush from her bedstand. She handed it to Siuan, who started trailing her fingers through Moiraine’s long hair. “You know, your hair reminds me of the waves Erinin on a late spring night. The river always turns a deep brown from the floods upstream, and when the black sky gets reflected on it at night, it’s almost the same shade as your hair.”
Moiraine turned to face Siuan. “Are you calling my hair dirty? Again?”
“No! No that’s not what I—” Moiraine could not conceal a sly smile seeing Siuan stumble over her words. “Oh,” Siuan said when she realised, “okay, you’ve got jokes now, alright.” Siuan grinned. “Now, Moiraine, turn around so I can start brushing and braiding.”
Moiraine did as she was told, still smiling, as she felt the brush running through her hair. She took the handkerchief back in her hand, each brush reminding her of the other girl’s kindness. “Do you ever miss it? Tear, I mean?” Moiraine softly asked.
“Yeah, all the time.” Siuan said, as she put the brush aside, and started carefully braiding Moiraine’s hair, “Tear is beautiful. The rooftop of the inn where my father and I used to stay when we went to the market in the weekends was high enough to just peek out above the tree tops, and it felt like you could see until the end of the world from there. There’s forest and fields for as far as the eye can see! And the rivers, the Fingers of the Dragon slowly snake through it all.” Moiraine could hear Siuan smile, as her clearly well practiced fingers ran past her ears. A shiver ran through Moiraine, even though her room was not cold at all. “And the sunsets, over those rivers is truly special, the clouds turn layers of pinks and purples and oranges. And sometimes, if we were on the boat late at night, just swinging in the creeping currents, it felt as if I was lying on the clouds themselves, sleeping on the wind.” Siuan was silent for a moment. “But I miss my father most of all.” Siuan’s hands dropped to her side. Moiraine turned around to see a tear run over Siuan’s cheek. She moved closer to the girl and softly wiped the tear off her cheek, startling both herself and Siuan.
“Oh,” Moiraine started, “I didn’t mean to—” but before she could finish, she was wrapped in Siuan’s arms, enveloped in her warmth. And it felt as if a gentle summer sun shone upon the pair, as if the Light itself flowed between them, through them, from one girl to the other, not knowing where one stopped and the other one started.
“Moiraine?” Siuan asked as she broke the hug that Moiraine wished had lasted forever.
“Yes?”
“Do you want to see your hair?”
“Oh, yeah of course.” Moiraine looked down as her cheeks turned a rosy pink. She stood up, with Siuan right behind her, giving her handheld mirror to Siuan.
Upon seeing the intricacy of what Siuan had created with her hair, Moiraine was simply stunned. Like the pattern on the handkerchief, her hair wove over itself, in and out, like threads weaving in and out of the Pattern. “It’s beautiful,” Moiraine whispered. Siuan just smiled. “I’ve heard that in Tear knots that are woven in certain patterns hold special meanings.”
“That’s true.”
Moiraine turned to Siuan, “Does this have any special meaning?”
“Yeah,” Siuan smiled, “it means beautiful.”
Moiraine remembered those first days of their friendship now. The next day when she showed up for her morning duties, her hair still braided and the length of it tied up with the handkerchief, Siuan smiled at her. Liandrin had even pulled her aside really quickly, (because she couldn’t show the other girls that she was talking to Moiraine of course,) and complimented her on her hair that day. Oh, how different we were, she thought to herself. In the subsequent weeks, Siuan had taught Moiraine how to do it, first on Liandrin’s long waving blonde hair and on Leane’s shining black hair, though her hair rarely held the style for longer than a minute. And then finally, she learned how to do it on her own head. They had spent so many hours together, the four of them, laughing and crying and joking about their teachers, their classmates, Elaida. That was the first time in her life Moiraine had known true friendship, first Siuan’s, then Liandrin and Leane’s.
They had all changed over the years, every single one of them. As Siuan and Moiraine grew closer, as their love for one another culminated into something that was more, way more than friendship, Liandrin drifted apart from the other three. Years later, she chose red, and sealed the fate of their friendship forever. Leane stayed a close friend, though it was different with just the three of them. But when Siuan became Amyrlin and as Moiraine wandered the world and disappeared for years on end, Leane stopped seeing them as Moiraine and Siuan. Finally, even the Keeper of the Chronicles only saw Moiraine Sedai and the Amyrlin Seat.
Now it’s just Siuan and Moiraine. Or at least it was, until yesterday.
Before the exile, after Nynaeve and Egwene had met Siuan, she had stayed behind, for just one last moment. And they talked and they cried. And Siuan did Moiraine’s hair, one last time. She had wondered for a moment if Liandrin would recognise it, if Leane would. If they would catch the meaning woven into her hair, if they suspected what went on between them, even a little bit. Oh well, it didn’t matter now. Tomorrow it would all end. Tomorrow she’d lead four children to their deaths, so the last one could imprison the Dark One once more. Tomorrow she would be caught between the Dragon and the Dark One. Tomorrow she’d be—
Moiraine looked in the mirror once more. More often then not she left her hair in this style for about two or three days, before taking it out. But she couldn’t, not this time. It reminded her too much of Siuan, of everything they lost. If only there was more time. Her hands made quick work of taking out each strand, she’d done it thousands of times before. But just before detangling the last lock of hair she stopped. This was it. This was the last time, the last night she would spent in this Age.
At least she’d had happiness, had love. These kids… They were only about twenty years old. Egwene still half believed it was some grand adventure they were on. Nynaeve didn’t even understand that this was about the faith of this world, and Perrin. Oh Perrin. He had already seen so much loss, she’d seen it in his eyes, the way she saw it in Lan’s as well. And Lan, King of Malkier, her warder. The man who kept her safe, who she’s keeping safe right now. Who sat beside her in that saddle for all those years, from Tear to the Two Rivers and every land, river, and mountain in between. She knew him, knew him as she would never be able to know anyone else. She would miss his brooding eyes, his rare smiles. He would not die tomorrow, that she had always known. He would have a chance at a life.
She took out the last strand and her hair fell down her face, framing it the way it had on that first day in the tower so many years ago. Though she knew Siuan couldn’t feel her with the immense distance between them, she reached out for her anyway, saying goodbye, saying I love you. I’ll see you again in a new turning Siuan, I know I will.
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.