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Rule #1. Be willing to dedicate the time to care for a rare and unusual creature
When he received the invitation, Sid was between quests and taking a few days to relax in the Hero's Spa. The Hero's Spa was very exclusive (not even squires knew about it) and really posh (complimentary champagne in his suite), neither of which were Sid's usual thing, but they had an excellent package for deep tissue massage that included unlimited access to the hot springs. He was taking full advantage.
The message arrived by raven. The raven fluttered by Sid's head and then promptly took a dump in the hot spring. Sid extricated himself quickly, while several nearby heroes broke off their rousing camaraderie song mid-chorus and departed, throwing him dirty looks.
Sid rolled his eyes. Typical heroes.
The raven cocked its head smugly.
The message was written in Isabella's favourite purple ink: Dear Sid – Thought you might want to take advantage of this "quest." Bonus – it's close enough to us for day trips! Love, I.
Enclosed was a forwarded message from King Richard. He and Roberta were looking for a dragon-sitter for Tad Cooper for two weeks.
Sid considered. He really did need a break after his most recent quest (rescuing twelve dancing princesses, which involved a lot more tango than he'd anticipated – his thighs were aching), and looking after Richard's lizard didn't sound so bad. Maybe he could use the down time to sort through those squire resumes he hadn't had a chance to review yet. Being a hero out on the open road was a little lonely sometimes.
Besides, visiting Isabella and Galavant, his two best friends in the whole entire world, was a pretty great bonus.
His inconvenient feelings for said best friends would just have to deal with it.
Rule #2. Feed him at regularly scheduled times
Sid was rapidly revisiting his decision not to keep in better contact with Richard.
Not that he and Richard had ever been paired off for their own subplot before, so it wasn't like they had any pre-existing relationship development or any other reason to keep in touch. But if he had, Sid might have known what to expect from "dragon-sitting." Because instead of feeding crickets to Richard's pet iguana, he was hauling a bleating sheep out to a field once a day for a bloody full-grown dragon's meal.
Why hadn't Isabella or Galavant ever mentioned this detail? It would have made an amusing anecdote in one of Isabella's rambling, affectionate letters or Galavant's less frequent and more practical missives. Remember how we all thought Richard was barmy for calling his pet lizard a dragon? Well, it turns out …
Maybe they just thought Sid had experience with dragons, Sid thought charitably. After all, one of the first ballads written about him was one of his early quests that had involved a dragon. Martha had been a very sweet and timid water dragon who just wanted to peacefully secure the land-use rights to access her waterfall again. Helping her get a good lawyer had resolved most of the quest. In the end, the ballad had been more courtroom drama than action-adventure. Still, Sid did have a title role. His parents had been over the moon.
Tad Cooper, on the other hand, was a gigantic, irritable, teenage fire-breathing dragon who was sulking because his favourite person wasn't there to feed him dinner.
Sid backed away from the sheep, but not fast enough. As Tad Cooper landed, a rush of air from his powerful wings knocked Sid onto his ass.
The dragon gave him a vicious look, and pointedly swallowed the sheep in a single gulp.
"Hey, there, Tad Cooper," Sid said weakly.
Tad Cooper belched, a little spurt of flame trickling out of his mouth.
Sid hot-footed it back to the safety of the castle.
He should've stayed in touch with bloody Richard.
Rule #3. Don't wear flammable clothing around him
Sid lost two and a half shirts to Tad Cooper's fiery temper tantrums before he sent a desperate message by raven to Galavant and Isabella for help.
He knew Tad Cooper wasn't actively trying to hurt him. For one thing, he wasn't purposefully aiming his flames at Sid. Sid just happened to be within range when Tad Cooper got upset and needed to get his flame on to express his feelings.
Sid tried to encourage him to sing his feelings instead. Unfortunately, Tad Cooper did not respond well to the singing. Sid sighed. Some dragons had no musical taste.
At least Sid was pretty handy with a needle and thread, so the half-burnt shirt was salvageable. It was a good thing crop-tops were in fashion.
Anyway, when they arrived, it turned out that Galavant and Isabella hadn't known about the Tad-Cooper-actually-being-a-dragon thing either.
"Are you sure this is the same Tad Cooper that, you know –" Galavant said, and mimed holding a small creature in his arms.
"Well," Sid said, and shrugged. "Who else could it be?"
"You aren't badly burned, are you, Sid?" Isabella said, worried. She pulled Sid into a long, warm hug and Sid sighed into it. Her hair smelled good, like citrus and flowers.
"Only got a bit overheated," he told her cheerfully, once he straighted up again. "My shirts got the worst of it. I'm really glad you're both here, though!"
"Wouldn't miss it," Galavant said, and Sid felt warm in his belly at the way Galavant smiled at him.
"Besides," Sid added, "we've all been through a teenage emo phase, haven't we?"
"Yes," said Galavant at the same time as Isabella said, "No."
"I probably could have predicted both of those answers," Sid told them, picturing Galavant in eyeliner and a scowl.
"I didn't burn anyone's shirts as a goth emo teen," Galavant pointed out.
"You probably did strategically rip holes in some of your clothes though," Isabella said helpfully. Galavant grimaced incriminatingly. "Anyway," Isabella added. "He's probably lonely and upset that he was left by himself. He just needs some pampering and comforting."
"Hmm," said Sid skeptically. "Maybe."
Rule #4. Show him Richard's portrait daily so he knows Richard loves him
The next morning, Isabella sat outside in the field next to the castle in case Tad Cooper wanted company. Tad Cooper did not deign to join her.
At midday, Sid brought her lunch and a new book of monologues.
"I saw him fly past six times," she said. "I think he's intrigued."
Sid had his doubts. Two days ago, he'd watched Tad Cooper chase his own tail for almost fifteen minutes, and then get startled by a bush in the shape of a sheep. He didn't seem to be the intrigue type.
At the moment, Tad Cooper was fast asleep on the sun-warmed rocks by the lake at the far edge of the field. He gave no acknowledgement of their presence.
"He'll come when he's hungry," Sid told her, with the confidence of four days of dragon-sitting.
At dinner-time, Isabella helped Sid stake out the sheep, and then set up an easel with a portrait of Richard next to it. "Just as a loving reminder," she confided to Sid.
Tad Cooper inhaled the sheep and ignored the portrait.
"Richard loves you and misses you!" Isabella shouted after him.
Sid quickly hauled her backwards out of flaming range.
Undaunted, the next day she enlisted both Galavant and Sid to help her to put up a canopy over the portrait so they could leave it outside for Tad Cooper to visit whenever he felt lonely or missed Richard.
"This is ridiculous," Galavant said, after he'd hammered his thumb for the second time. "A hero's skill set does not include manual labour!"
"It's important that people know how much they are loved," Isabella said, glaring at Galavant with rather more significance than Sid felt a lopsided rain canopy warranted.
Galavant glared back at her. "People, okay. But not dragons!"
"Both people and dragons," Isabella said stubbornly. "Both could use some explicit L-word reminders from certain people."
It was excruciating to be in the middle of some kind of weird and obscure married person argument. "Galavant, please tell Isabella that you love her," Sid pleaded. "Isabella, I love you," he added earnestly.
"Thank you, Sid," Isabella said, her eyes warm. "I love you, too."
"I do love her!" Galavant protested. "I do love you," he said to Isabella.
Isabella raised her eyebrows at him. "I love you, too. Maybe other people would like to hear that, too," she said pointedly.
At first, Sid had no idea what she was talking about. Then, he turned towards the field to yell at Tad Cooper, who was doing low-flying loop-de-loops and pretending he couldn't hear or see them. "Richard loves you, Tad Cooper!"
"Thank you, Sid," Isabella said, glowing warmly at him. She was so pretty and so kind. Sid smiled helplessly back.
Galavant sighed heavily. "By the way, Sid, why are you only wearing half of a shirt?"
Sid looked down and flushed. "It's my crop top!" he said.
"Well, it's very distracting. My thumb is turning purple!"
"What's that got to do with my shirt?" Sid demanded, but he obediently took a look at Galavant's outstretched thumb. Purple was a stretch, but it did look a little pinker than usual. Sid gave it a quick kiss to make it better, and Galavant let out a strangled noise and snatched his hand back.
"Ignore him – you look great," Isabella assured him. Her cheeks looked a little flushed – probably from the manual labour.
"That's what I meant," Galavant muttered, and accidentally hammered his thumb again.
Rule #5. Make sure he doesn't get cold
The weather turned cold that night, and Galavant decided to show Isabella how much he loved her or something by heating up stones to take over to Tad Cooper's cave to make sure he stayed warm.
"He's a dragon," Sid said, hefting some of the heated rocks from the fireplace grate into the wheelbarrow Galavant had brought in from the gardening shed. "He could just set a nearby bush on fire to keep himself warm."
"It's about doing things for other people," Galavant said, huffing as he hoisted the wheelbarrow. "Not really about the dragon specifically. Just to, you know, to show that you care and want to help them with their endeavours."
"Right," Sid said, wondering why Galavant was suddenly so obsessed with proving to Richard how well he cared for his dragon.
It didn't matter, though. Sid was the one Richard had left in charge of Tad Cooper, after all. And besides, Galavant was happily married. Well, barring whatever confusing squabbles he and Isabella were having over how much they loved each other.
Which reminded him. "You should tell Isabella how much you love her more often," Sid said.
Galavant shot him a pained look, and then rolled his eyes. "She likes it when I heat up stones for the bottom of the bed in the winter," he said.
"Right," said Sid again. "Just, you know, words work, too."
Tad Cooper's cave did not have a KEEP OUT sign on it, but the jagged rocks and forbidding entrance definitely gave off a similar vibe.
Unfortunately, it turned out that Tad Cooper did not appreciate the love language of heated rock delivery. Galavant lost his shirt and got his eyebrows singed.
Sid emerged from behind the outcropping he'd ducked behind to avoid the flames, and lent Galavant his jacket for the walk home, even though it was too small for him.
"Don't say a word," Galavant said, and hunched into Sid's jacket. It was cold with only his shirt and jerkin, but Sid felt overly warm at the sight of Galavant wearing something of Sid's, something still warm with Sid's own body heat.
He cleared his throat. "Wouldn't dream of it," he said.
By the time he had brushed his teeth and climbed into bed, he found a heated rock under the quilt at the end of his bed. It was actually really nice, he thought. He could see why Isabella liked it. His toes were warm, and he felt all cozy and taken care of. He snuggled into bed and fell asleep.
Rule #6. Scritch his tummy (if you can)
All three of them trooped out to keep Tad Cooper company the next afternoon. Sid laid down a picnic blanket, and they all sat down on the rocks by the lake. It was warm again after the sun had burned off the mist hanging over the water after the chilly night.
When Tad Cooper emerged from his cave, he let out a puff of smoke in a threatening sort of way, and turned his back to them.
"Good afternoon, Tad Cooper!" Isabella yelled at him.
They did not get close enough to scritch his belly, not even with the long branch Sid had brought along for that purpose.
Instead, they sat together comfortably on the blanket as the afternoon sun warmed the day around them. Isabella read a monologue out loud about true love before falling asleep with her head in Sid's lap, while Galavant fed him bites of fancy cheese and cut-up fruit. When Isabella finally woke up, she kissed Galavant right in front of Sid, a soft romantic sort of kiss that went on for a really long time. Sid blushed and looked away.
When they stood up to sing a duet with one another against the backdrop of the sunset, they pulled Sid up with them and let him take a verse. It was a bit weird at first, joining in on a love song between his two best friends – plus a duet by definition should really only have two singers – but it was nice to feel included. Really, really nice.
He'd been included in the whole afternoon, actually.
Sid would almost have thought he was being romanced, if that wasn't completely, utterly, stupendously impossible.
Rule #7. Don't let him have any dairy
It was Isabella who let Tad Cooper have ice cream, which she claimed she gave him to help to cure his loneliness.
Dragons, they learned, were lactose intolerant.
Sid never wanted to be near a whiny, gassy teenage dragon who couldn't reliably control his aim ever again.
Rule #8. Don't let any knights try to vanquish him in combat
By the time the third knight approached the castle, armed for dragon-combat, it became clear that news of Tad Cooper was beginning to spread beyond the neighbourhood.
Sid, Galavant, and Isabella went around the castle, putting up prominent signs to discourage any questing knights with dragon-slaying on their minds. Tad Cooper eyed the three of them suspiciously from a distance.
Most of the signs said "Private Property: Keep Out," but a few of Isabella's more creative ones said "NO KNIGHTS ALLOWED" and "Ceci n'est pas une dragon" and "There are absolutely, definitely 100% no dragons here. Signed, Management."
"A bit on the nose, don't you think?" Galavant said, hammering one into the grass.
"Some knights need things spelled out for them," Isabella said, casting a significant look at Galavant. "Literally."
"Like me. I always appreciate clear signage," Sid said, recalling some particularly confusing signposts he'd run into on his quests. One of them had pointed him to the North Pole and the South Pole in the same direction.
Isabella was smiling at him. "So do I, Sid," she said.
"Yeah, okay, okay," Galavant said, sounding uncharacteristically awkward. "Listen, Sid, there's something we've been meaning to talk to you about –"
At that moment, a knight on horseback came out of nowhere and rode past them, blatantly ignoring all of their signs.
"Hey! Hey, you!"
It took almost an hour, all of Galavant and Isabella's combined charm, and an offer of an afternoon snack before they managed to convince the knight that there was no dragon nearby and his time would be better spent questing after the werellamas in the kingdom to the south.
"He didn't even bother to read the signs," Sid said, as they watched him ride away. Tad Cooper sleepily lifted his head over a nearby boulder to watch him go. The knight didn't notice.
"The more signs you put up, the fewer get read," Galavant agreed.
"Maybe we should spread some rumours in the village," Isabella suggested. "About the lack of dragons."
Galavant raised an eyebrow. "The riveting gossip about the complete absence of dragons? Gosh, how exciting and not suspicious at all."
"Well, I don't see you coming up with any ideas!"
Which was how they ended up going into town to sing to everyone in the pub about how Sir Sidney had bravely slain the huge beast that was terrorizing the sheep population around Richard and Roberta's castle. Sid flushed a lot. Isabella added some of the goriest details, and also made sure the out-of-towners heard about it.
A bunch of people bought Sid drinks and several more propositioned him. For the latter, Sid thanked them awkwardly and ran back to lean against Isabella's shoulder and make Galavant sit on the outside of their booth.
"It's lovely to see your success being celebrated," Isabella said, her brown eyes warm.
"I literally didn't do anything," Sid protested.
"We don't mind if you want to – enjoy yourself," Galavant said, sounding weirdly stilted.
Sid stared at him. "I am enjoying myself," he said. He tried to ignore the people giving him come-hither eyes from across the bar. "And I don't want to have a – a one night stand, anyway."
For some reason, this made both Galavant and Isabella relax. Sid frowned at them. He hadn't even realized they were tense until that moment.
"A one knight stand," Isabella said playfully, and nudged Sid's shoulder.
"Yes, your puns are very clever," Galavant said, rolling his eyes. But he gave her a soft look that abruptly made Sid feel as though he were on the outside looking in. It made him unaccountably sad.
He wanted someone to look at him that way, he realized. Oh, who was he kidding? He wanted Galavant to look at him that way. Or rather, for Galavant to look at him and Isabella that way. And he wanted Isabella to keep running her slender fingers over his neck in that distracting way. He wanted to sing a three-person duet with them every single day of his life.
Instead, he had another beer.
They stayed for a few more drinks to make sure everyone definitely got the message about there being no more dragon, and then they walked back to Richard and Roberta's castle. Isabella and Galavant each took one of Sid's arms so that he was tucked pleasantly between them on the walk. That did help him not feel so sad anymore. It was a little awkward when the path got almost too narrow to walk three-abreast, but neither of them dropped his arms. Sid felt thrillingly warm and cared for.
"That dragon probably would've enjoyed eating a few knights," Galavant said grumpily.
Sid considered, feeling pleasantly drunk. "I don't know," he mused. "Apart from the times where he lost his temper and flamed out, he hasn't actually tried to kill any of us."
"He's a marshmallow, really," Isabella said fondly.
Sid made a face. "Well, I wouldn't go that far," he said.
"Deep down," Isabella insisted.
"Maybe very, very deep down," Sid said doubtfully. "Hey, by the way, what was that thing you were going to talk to me about?"
Even in the moonlight, Sid could see a faint blush of colour on Galavant's cheeks. Maybe it was from the alcohol. Isabella coughed. "Nothing, never mind," Galavant said, and squeezed Sid's hand.
"Okay," Sid said, and let himself enjoy being pressed between them for the entire walk home.
Rule #9. Make sure he has his bath once a week
The sun dawned brightly the next day, and by the afternoon, it was lovely and warm. It seemed like a perfect day for something he'd been steadfastly ignoring. No, not his inconvenient feelings for Galavant and Isabella – he'd probably just sing about those later. No, he meant Tad Cooper's weekly bath.
"Do we have to?" Galavant said. "Every week? I don't remember Richard taking weekly baths when we were on our adventures together."
Sid refrained from bringing up Galavant's own hygiene habits while on the road.
"He's just a baby!" Isabella said.
"Teenager," Sid put in.
"Well, in any case, he needs looking after," she said stubbornly.
The ice cream incident was still looming large in their memories. Still, Sid managed to use a sheep to lure Tad Cooper to the outcropping of rocks that hung over the deepest part of the lake. Sid and Galavant waited in position, hidden from sight, and, between the two of them, managed to tip a startled Tad Cooper into the water while he was distracted by swallowing his extra sheep. He made a huge splash entering the water, spraying both of them with cold lake water. When he surfaced, sputtering, Isabella immediately sluiced him with two well-aimed buckets of soapy water, taking care to avoid his eyes and mouth.
Tad Cooper rose out of the lake in a fury, wings flapping and water streaming off of his scales. Isabella, who was standing closest to him, was immediately soaked. Sid ducked as he saw Tad Cooper try to flame them, but he was so waterlogged that only a bit of steam came out. Seeming even more outraged by this indignity, he swooped down for a landing on the rocks on the other side of the lake where he proceeded to urgently groom himself while simultaneously glaring at them.
"Well," said Galavant. "I think that went well."
"You smell lovely, Tad Cooper!" Isabella yelled at him over the lake. "Like lavender!"
"Just what a teenage emo dragon with anger management and abandonment issues wants to hear," Galavant said.
Sid looked over at them. Both Galavant and Isabella were soaked to the skin, and Galavant was peeling off his soaked white shirt. Sid was a terrible person because he couldn't help himself from staring at the way Isabella's thin wet dress clung to the curves of her breasts and hips, or the way water was dripping down Galavant's muscled chest and pebbling his nipples.
They were both appallingly good-looking, and they were his best friends in the whole world, and Sid wanted to stride over to them and climb them both like a two-trunked tree.
He blamed the adrenaline rush of the dragon bath and his distractingly rapid pulse for why it took him so long to realize that Galavant and Isabella were looking back at him. Appreciatively.
He swallowed, suddenly flustered.
"There was something we wanted to talk to you about," Galavant said, glancing at Isabella, who nodded enthusiastically. They both stepped towards him.
"Sid," said Isabella. "Darling Sid."
"Darling?" Sid squeaked. He was having trouble catching his breath.
"In our cottage by the sea, we started to realize how much we miss you," Galavant said, and his smile was genuine, if a bit awkward. "We talk about you all the time."
"The talking part is apparently a bit annoying, actually," Isabella said. "It seems we mention you so much my parents already think you're some kind of shared mistress in our household. They want to meet you again."
Sid gaped at them. "Shared mistress?"
"Not that – that's not what we want, though!" Galavant said, glaring at Isabella. "I thought you would be better at talking about this," he muttered.
Isabella looked abashed. "I'm sorry, Sid. You're perfectly right. We're going about this all wrong. Ever since we arrived here, we just wanted to make sure you know how much we love you. How much we both love you. And to find a way to tell you that we think that all three of us could be great together. You know, as partners. Who all loved each other. Together."
She nudged Galavant, who cleared his throat. "We do both love you, Sid," he said, his eyes wide. "And we'd love you to come home with us. If you want that, too, I mean."
"Oh," Sid breathed, and looked back and forth between the two of them. He felt dizzily happy, as though he could burst into song at any moment. "Yeah. Sure. Definitely. Yes."
Isabella laughed, and Galavant grinned.
"Yes?" Galavant said. "That's all you have to say?"
Sid stepped forward and threw his arms around both of them, reveling in the fact that he was allowed to enjoy the sensual feeling of their wet bodies pressed warm and willing up against his. Galavant's bare arm slipped around his waist, while Isabella placed her warm hand over his rapidly-beating heart.
"Well," Sid said, indescribably happy. "I love you, too, of course."
At that precise moment, Tad Cooper, with a loud whooshing noise, canon-balled from high up in the sky into the lake with a massive splash, causing a wave of water to crest over all three of them.
Sid coughed lake water out of his lungs. Isabella sputtered.
"Again?" yelled Galavant. "We're already soaked!"
Tad Cooper's head emerged from the water, wearing a very smug expression.
Sid burst out laughing. "We love you, too, Tad Cooper!"
Rule #10. Don't forget to tell him you love him and super believe in him every day
Sid woke to a gentle cacophony of snoring. He stretched luxuriously. On one side of him, Isabella was snoring loudly, her warm breasts tucked against him. On the other side, Galavant was sprawled on his stomach, also snoring, with one arm thrown across Sid's belly.
Sid wriggled his toes and pinched himself to make sure it wasn't a dream.
"Stop squirming," muttered Galavant without opening his eyes. "It's too early."
"Good morning," Sid told him, unable to stop himself from feeling cheerful.
"It's too early to be morning."
"Galavant, wish our darling Sid good morning and tell him to go back to sleep," Isabella said, pushing her face into Sid's shoulder.
"Good morning," Sid told her.
They groaned in unison.
"I forgot he's a morning person," Galavant said sadly.
Sid opened his mouth to inform them that he was an everything person when it came to them, when a raven flew in the open window and dropped a message on the bed.
The raven landed on the bedpost, tilted its head to stare at them, and squawked loudly.
"Make it be quiet," Isabella moaned.
Sid managed to reach the message without extricating himself from Galavant and Isabella's limbs and read it over. It was from Richard, and it was short and sweet: SIDNEY, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY DRAGON
"Oops," said Galavant, squinting at the message in Sid's hand. His voice was still gravelly with sleep, which Sid found very distracting. "Our rumours might have done too good a job. Maybe we should have sent Richard a raven to reassure him that you didn't actually slay his pet dragon."
"Oh no!" said Isabella, sounding suddenly more awake. "I can't believe we didn't!"
"What!" said Sid, dismayed, and then added, "Oh man, my pet-sitter rating is going to plummet."
With a bit of reluctance, he managed to pull himself out of bed, ignoring the groans behind him. He gave the raven some of the trail mix he kept in his jerkin while he scrawled a quick and hopefully reassuring reply to Richard. He threw the window open wider to send the raven on its way.
As an afterthought, he yelled into the chill morning air: "We love you, Tad Cooper! And Richard super believes in you and will be home soon!"
Tad Cooper was nowhere to be seen. He wasn't a morning dragon.
"I super believe in you getting back into this bed," Galavant said feelingly, and pulled back the covers in invitation.
"We love you, too," Isabella added.
That sounded pretty great to Sid. Smiling, he got back into bed.