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“Cullen, Cullen! where are you?” she heard herself call. The note in her voice was desperate, where was he? Why wouldn’t he answer her?
Trees were all around her, casting shadows over the grass and rocks as light filtered green through the canopy of leaves. She didn’t know why she was alone in the Emerald Graves but somehow she knew she was. She had to find him. She ran blindly calling out his name, every so often she would trip over an errant tree root or unseen rock in her haste.
In the distance she could see the Lions Pavilion. It’s huge looming walls the only sound structure she could see. The red steps a sharp contrast to the blue painted walls with white accents. As she neared she could see someone standing on the steps. Dread pooled in her belly making her knees weak.
The man was tall with blonde matted hair that could have been curly, instead it hung in lifeless dirty strands. His back was to her and she could see the red lyrium that jutted cruelly from his spine and out to encase one shoulder it also sprouted out of his elbows to create deadly blades. When she was close enough to recognise his clothing she nearly broke down and cried. His mantle was burgundy trimmed with gold and had the remnant of a black and red fur collar.
She watched in slow motion as he turned to face her when he heard her approach. Lyrium veins reached up his neck and into his face, numb with horror she watched as they pulsed in time with the crystal growing out of his shoulder. The whites of his lovely honey eyes were red and not the red they usually were from lack of sleep or overwork, but the familiar red she had seen in the eyes of the Red Templars. They were empty, like the eyes of a tranquil. There was no recognition in his face when his eyes met hers. Their was nothing in his face except for the pulsing red under his skin, no smile, no anger, no nothing.
“Cullen. What happened to you? You promised me you wouldn’t touch red lyrium” she heard her voice break and felt the tears running down her cheeks. He had promised, he had promised her.
Not a single expression flitted across his face or in his eyes. “I don’t know who you are or who Cullen is. If you do not serve the Elder One, I must destroy you” his voice was monotone, it was like hearing a tranquil speak with his voice. His voice that had always been so warm and husky when he spoke to her or commanding and slightly frustrated when he barked an order at a recruit was flat and lifeless, it matched his expression.
He drew his blade and approached her, she sank to her knees and cried. He had promised and now he was gone, everything she loved about him was gone. ‘It eats you from the inside until you’re nothing’ Cole had said. She watched as he lifted his sword up over his head to strike a killing blow on her that would probably cleave her in half, there was nothing in his face. That was probably the hardest part, everything about him was gone eaten by the lyrium he had promised not to take. The sword came down and everything in her vision went white.
Kiraka shot up from the bed suddenly awake, except for the fire at the other end of the room that was gently smouldering the room was dark. It was the same dream she had dreamed every night for the last six nights. She wiped the tears off her face before flopping back down onto her pillow. She had always had nightmares, ever since she had been trapped in the Undercroft as a teenager. Most of the time she dreamt of spiders, occasionally she relived the battle in which she had killed her first lover. She still woke up screaming sometimes from the events of Haven but they were nothing compared to the dreams that had started to stalk her nights about Cullen and red lyrium. She knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep again properly and if she did she would just dream this again or worse have the other dream.
Putting her feet over the side of the bed she conjured flames so she could find her boots, Cullen had put them neatly near her chest of draws that stood against the wall. One foot at the time with shaking hands she began to re-lace them. Already warming herself with magic she headed down the stairs, the urge to see him and confirm his safety overwhelming her desire to be warm.
It was late and the great hall was empty save for varric who was sitting in front of his fire with a stack of papers. He looked up as she approached and gave her a wave. “Couldn’t sleep, Inquisitor?”
“No” her voice was still shaky and she could hear tears in it. His expression softened when he heard her voice.
“More nightmares” it wasn’t a question by this point, here or in Haven she always had to come past him to get to Cullen. Her only answer was a nod before she quietly opened the door that lead into Solas’s room. Solas was fade sleeping at his desk but she was still quiet so that she wouldn’t disturb him. Even though they didn’t get along well it wasn’t fair to wake him up by being inconsiderate.
It was freezing cold outside, the wind ripped through her light shirt making her shiver. She could see the candle light through the windows, he was still awake. If she hadn’t been so distressed by the dream she might have been angry that he was again not taking care of himself. When she pushed his door open he looked up, he was sitting at his desk with a quill in hand still working. She watched as his brows drew together in a frown as he took her appearance in, his eyes noticed every shiver. For a moment her memory of his dream image overlapped with him sitting at his desk before it vanished.
It was so late he had taken his armour off for the night, it stood on the stand in the corner near his bookshelves, his leathers folded and placed on the container he kept his scrolls in. He was just wearing his other coat. Before he could do more than stand she was at his desk, hands rubbing her forearms in an attempt to keep warm. When he saw she was coming to him he pushed his chair out and sat back down with a grumpy huff. “Why are you out here in such a state of undress? Your lips are blue” he growled unhappily as he shrugged his way out of his overcoat.
She leaned against his desk taking in his appearance for a moment as he reached forwards and wrapped his mantle around her shoulders. His face was pale and tired with deep purple circles, his hair was beginning to curl and escape the wax he used to hold it. She reached down and took his face in one hand and traced a vein in his cheek with the other, noting the lack of red lyrium as he froze and waited for her to finish. Obviously nothing was growing out his shoulder even though she had half expected it when she walked in the room. His honey eyes were dark with confusion and concern, his emotions leaking out into his expression, his mouth was set in a grim line and she saw the muscle in his jaw twitch. He was still him, he was still the man she loved.
When she was done he pulled her forwards into his lap, tucking her forehead against his jaw. “What’s wrong?” he asked gently as he stroked her hair and held her close. He was so warm and she could feel the pulse in his neck against her skin and hear the beating of his heart. The smell of armour polish and bees wax made her heart constrict painfully, she had missed it more than she could have thought possible.
Again she felt tears run down her face, some dropped onto his shirt and ever patiently he gently brushed them away as he waited for her to tell him what was wrong. It took a while but she began to tell him about the dream, how horrible it had been to see him like that. Gently he pushed her face up so that he could look her in the eye.
“That will never be me.” his voice was gentle but firm before he brought his mouth down to hers. Lightly he kissed her lips, first the top one and then her bottom lip. They were so tender and full of worry it felt like her heart was breaking and a lump welled up in her throat nearly choking her. All of a sudden she needed nothing more than to kiss him, to taste him. Gently she nipped his lower lip before flicking her tongue along it, his mouth opened obligingly and sealed around hers with his tongue dipping into hers before withdrawing and sucking on her lip again. His arm tightened around her when she moaned his name against him, his hand sliding up from her chin to cup her cheek.
He didn’t just kiss her lips, he kissed her nose, her forehead and her cheeks in-between muttered reassurance that it was just a dream and he was never going to become a Red Templar. After one final long loving kiss he tucked her head back under his chin and resumed stroking her hair. To distract her he told her of the things that had happened while she was away, nothing work related just simple things. Josephine’s reaction to finding her small clothes hanging from a pole in the courtyard, Sera trying and failing to prank Vivienne and being chased around by an angry purple viper with legs, ‘only four because she knows how you feel about anything with more’ he chuckled to her.
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He had talked to her of little mundane things until she had finally fallen asleep in his arms. Sleeping in his desk chair was hardly comfortable but he hadn’t had the heart to move her. He didn’t know how to help her with her fear of him becoming a Red Templar, considering how many she had fought and how many she would have to fight before the war was over he didn’t think there was anything he could do for it aside from comforting her and trying to reassure her.
The expression on her face had reminded him of a similar time not long ago, after she had been with him on a bad withdrawal day she had come into his office with a look of similar distress. At first he had thought it was worry for him because he hadn’t been well but now he wasn’t so sure. She had checked him over in much the same manner before kissing him and giving a relieved sigh.
He stroked her hair again and gave a soft chuckle when she mumbled and nuzzled in closer, the smell of her hair filling his nose. He would talk to Cole later and see if there was anything he could do to help her sleep better, he didn’t think there was but he would try. For now though she was safe in his arms, using his cloak and body heat to keep warm. The sound of her steady breathing slowly lulled him to sleep, it was good to have her home. He rested his head against her’s and silently muttered a prayer for Andraste to keep her safe and prevent her from having any more bad dreams tonight. His last thoughts before a dreamless sleep claimed him was of how much he loved her.