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“Maya, you do remember this is not her first time in the snow, right?” Carina said from her spot leaning against the wall, somewhat amused by Maya’s excitement.
“But she doesn’t remember any of it! This time she’s actually aware of what’s going on!” Maya answered without looking at Carina, completely focused on the task of bundling up her little toddler with her tiny winter gear.
Carina thought about reminding her that their daughter probably wouldn’t remember that winter either, but she decided to just let her wife be. Maya wasn’t wrong after all — their baby girl was growing up so fast and she would surely have fun playing outside now that she could walk and run and babble. The previous winter had been a little less exciting in that matter as she was still a baby, but now that she was almost twenty months old, the prospect of having fun with the little one got her mommy even more excited than her child.
“I can’t believe you’re making me go out there when it’s this cold.” The brunette said as she zipped up her own jacket. “Days off are supposed to be warm and cozy!” She joked.
“I promise you it will be worth it.” Maya said while she put Carina’s cozy beanie on the brunette’s head and pecked her on the lips. “Ok, jackets, baby's snowsuit, boots, hats, gloves, check!” She said looking at her wife and their daughter and pointing to each accessory mentioned, making sure they were all properly bundled up. “Let’s do this!”
Carina just smiled, gladly following her wife's lead. Her queen of the clipboard, Maya Bishop. The one who was afraid of replicating her parents’ patterns. The one who once thought the idea of having a child was terrifying and the same one who so foolishly thought she would be the strict mother… From the moment Maya saw their child, she felt like her heart was indeed beating outside her body.
She felt like she had just ripped her heart out and although the idea of seeing it walk around the world could be frightening, she finally understood the beauty of it. And day after day, she saw the proof right in front of her: in every smile, every milestone reached and every moment they shared. It was beautiful, just as Carina had said.
I’m always right, she would playfully say just to provoke and Maya would let it be, because deep inside she knew it was true that Carina was almost always right.
But being right didn’t prepare her for it either. Although she was ready to take that step, she didn’t truly know what the future was holding for her.
It was beautiful indeed, and Carina felt like she was bursting with joy. She knew she would love her child, she desired to be a mother and longed for that. But she didn’t expect a love that big. Carina loved Maya so much that for a while she didn’t think she would ever feel anything stronger than that… until she held their daughter in her arms for the first time. The mamma looked at her baby’s face and it was like her heart expanded, got bigger and bigger to make space for all that love that was overflowing and filling every corner of her soul. Looking into Maya’s eyes afterward, she could see that they shared the same feeling — and it was fantastico. It was their little piece of heaven on earth.
Watching their daughter grow also meant witnessing themselves grow as mothers. And although it wasn’t always roses — most of the time it wasn’t — it was worth it. They were good. Carina couldn’t be more proud of the family they built, and seeing her wife coming out of her shell day after day filled her with joy and satisfaction. Because they were being the best parents they could be. They were being the parents they now knew they also had deserved. The mothers they believed that any child should have.
Carina opened the door to their backyard so Maya could go ahead with her little Lucia — who Maya had promptly nicknamed Lucy when the name was chosen. When the little feet touched the fluffy snow, Lucy's little pair of brown eyes widened in a way that was undeniably a Maya way… and that made her mamma jump to action and immediately start taking pictures of her cute reactions. Her lips pursed in a perfect O as she crouched down to touch the snow around her.
Even in her craziest dreams, Maya would never have imagined that her daughter would look so much like her. Not physically — she was a carbon copy of Carina. Her eyes, her nose, her mouth… she even had a tiny little freckle starting to appear and Maya could swear it would grow to be just like her mamma’s. Maya couldn’t be happier to have her wishes come true. But Lucy's personality was unquestionably Maya’s. Although the comparison had started as a joke during the pregnancy, the similarity had been more and more noticeable as their little girl grew and they grew with her.
'I’m carrying a baby Olympian!' Carina would say anytime she either wanted to convince Maya to do something for her, or to show off how healthy and strong their baby was — or even when the pregnancy took its toll on her body and the brunette felt like she was indeed sharing it with an athlete baby that needed (and took) way too much of her energy.
Their toddler now was… a toddler. Even though they loved her and treated her as if she was the most important person in the world — because she was indeed the most important in their world — they also tried their best to not create unreachable and forceful expectations and just let their kid be a kid. Let her grow at her own pace, her own way.
And like most little humans Lucy’s age, she was determined and strong willed. She also had impressively great gross motor skills — another Maya trait, according to Carina —and she loved to play with her mothers, but had a special fondness for running laps around the kitchen island being chased by her mommy. She was also gentle, loving and cuddly.
Her mannerisms and expressions were entirely Maya. The way she scrunched up her nose, the way she talked and walked. Even the faces she would make when angry or sad. One of Maya’s favorite things was to see her babble in Italian, and the funniest and cutest fact that was Carina’s new favorite thing: Lucy absolutely adored Maya.
It had always been clear how much Maya had changed, especially after meeting Carina. Her wife had been her turning page, she would affirm it herself. Loving Carina had changed her life, her way to perceive and receive the world around her, encouraging her to remove one by one the bricks of the walls she was so used to keeping around her heart. However, when her daughter arrived, any walls left were knocked over all at once.
Because she was so real and she was right there — her daughter needed her to live and to develop, and also to grow and get to be a good person. It hit Maya just how huge of a mission parenting would really be. It wasn’t just about having a little creature that was incredibly cute and high maintenance at the same time. She was responsible for a human being, who she wanted to grow to be a decent and kind one.
If they had thought at first that Maya had come very far, they had no idea of how further she would still be able to go after becoming a mother.
Lucy’s adoration for Maya only proved she was walking the right path. She was breaking her parent’s patterns and learning more and more about herself while bringing up and loving her daughter.
That only made Carina’s love for her grow even bigger, if that was possible. Seeing Maya flourish made her proud and listening to her girls giggle together with the most beautiful smiles on their faces gave her the absolute certainty that it was all worth it. It was worth anything they had been through, from the very beginning.
Because they flourished together.
Maya saw Carina become the mother she always dreamed to be while holding her hand so they could walk that path together — so she could also become the mother she would like to be.
Better together. Always.
They walked a little further into their backyard letting Lucy discover and explore. As her bulky snowsuit limited her movements a little, the toddler waddled around her moms who couldn’t hold their goofy smiles.
“She couldn’t be more adorable if she tried.” Maya said as they watched the girl sit down and pat the snow with her glove covered hands — both moms were thankful she hadn’t started fighting the gloves… yet.
“No one can argue with that. She is pretty adorable!” Carina agreed holding Maya’s arm while standing closer to her. Knowing her wife was searching for warmth, the blonde put her arms around her as they waited for Lucy to be ready to move on. It didn’t take long for the toddler to look up and stretch her arms asking for help to get up, as her suit made the task rather difficult.
“Help!” She said looking at Maya. Even though her H and P weren’t really obvious yet, the mothers were pretty familiar with her quick and constantly expanding vocabulary, and quickly helped her to get up and stand close to them.
“Should we build a snowman?” Maya asked excitedly and upon hearing Carina’s ‘Mhmm' she squatted starting to roll a little snowball to make it bigger. As soon as she set the still small ball on the spot where she meant to build the snowman, Lucy walked to her. Maya was about to celebrate her daughter's excitement when the little girl threw herself at the snowball , kicking it and destroying all of it.
Maya simply raised her eyebrows when she heard her wife trying to conceal her laughter.
“Ok, let’s try again.” Maya tried once more just to have Lucy kick it again.
“Bambina, she’s little, she will—"
“Destroy before she starts building, yeah, I remember that”, Maya completed amused by the concept they were already very familiar with, since they had been experiencing it for a while in their everyday life, willfully following Lucy’s developmental stages. “At least she’s getting good at kicking. Maybe she’ll be into soccer.” She added looking up at Carina and seeing that sweet crinkle of her eyes as she chuckled nodding.
“For now… How about this?” The older woman asked hiding something behind her back and surprising Maya in the next second, as the blonde was hit on the shoulder by a snowball. As that got giggles from Lucy, they engaged in a little snowball fight for a while, which even distracted Carina from being bothered by the cold.
“Hey! You can’t use the baby as a shield!” Carina yelled from behind the outdoor armchair in their patio.
“Who made that rule?” Maya approached the patio holding Lucy in front of her, a snowball in her right hand.
“I did! And honestly, let’s call truce, ‘cause I'm done.” She said raising her arms and showing she was empty handed.
“That’s fair”, Maya said dropping her snowball. "Lucy and I won anyway!”
“Of course you did, I can’t compete with an Olympian and her mini athlete.” Carina said approaching them and kissing both of her girls faces, taking her time to touch her nose to Lucy’s in an eskimo kiss she was used to receiving from her mommies.
“Will you get her so I can bring the sled board?" Maya asked and Carina swiftly took Lucy into her arms. Before Maya got far, Carina whispered to her daughter:
“Chiama la mamma e lanciala una pallina!” She said and saw Lucy’s eyes sparkle with mischief as she giggled. Carina handed her a small snowball and walked after Maya — after all, the little girl wouldn’t be able to hit her target unless she was really close.
“Mommy!” Lucy yelled. As soon as Maya turned around she was (barely) hit by a tiny snowball — but what truly hit her right in her heart were the loud giggles of her baby girl squirming in laughter in her mamma’s arms as if that was the funniest thing ever.
“Come here, little goofball!” Maya pretended to be upset but her serious face didn’t last as she started tickling Lucy and ended up laughing along with her and her mamma. “Ok, silly monkey, mommy will go get the sled. For real this time.” She said making sure Carina had Lucy close to her before turning around.
Maya brought the sled board closer to them and asked Carina to properly position Lucy as she fixed the pull rope that was tangled. When she looked up, she was surprised by the sight of Carina herself sitting on the little sled while holding their daughter.
“I wanna play too, and she’s keeping me warm!” Carina answered right away seeing the intrigued look on Maya’s face.
“I can’t say who’s the baby right now.” Maya joked. Part of her wanted to joke and provoke her a little bit, but the whole thing was just too cute.
“That's because you love me too much!” the brunette blew her a kiss, getting a shrug from Maya, who knew they really had her wrapped around their little fingers.
“That would be true. But don’t get mad at me if you guys turn over and get dumped on the snow.” The firefighter warned.
“I won’t make any promises…”
“I can’t make any promises either!” She chuckled starting to pull the sled around the backyard.
"Comportati bene! Don’t try to be funny!” Carina told Maya, making sure she was well balanced as to not end up falling to the sides — even though Maya was pulling them carefully and slowly, she was still way too big for the little kid’s sled.
“Bene, mommy!” Lucy repeated imitating Carina and wiggling her little pointer finger at Maya, reinforcing the behave yourself her mamma had just said and making both moms laugh. The comportati was still too tricky for her to say, but the message was easily conveyed by the imitation of Carina’s tone and her cute hand gesture.
“Sure, Lucy bug! Trying my best here!”
After a couple of minutes Carina decided to get up and let Lucy enjoy her ride by herself. Maya handed Carina her jacket, feeling too warm already since she had been pulling them around, and the Italian got it from her shaking her head.
“Not fair! I’m freezing and you’re taking your jacket off.” She mumbled putting the winter jacket over the patio’s armchair. “If you get cold again, it’s right here, ok?” She pointed to it and Maya nodded.
“Thank you, honey!”
“You’re welcome! Now go back 'cause your buddy is waiting!” She joked pointing at Lucy who was laying on the board waiting for Maya to be back singing a funny “weeeee”.
“Don’t make fun of us!” Maya warned but her mouth instantly curved into a smile that was mirrored by her wife’s.
“Never, bella! It’s lovely.”
Maya started to walk around pulling the sled as Lucia watched everything with curiosity, sticking her little hand out once or twice to touch the snow. Carina watched them for a minute before announcing:
“I’ll go make us hot cocoa, what do you think?”
“I think you have the best ideas!” The blonde answered with a wink.
Carina went back inside and sighed as she took het jacket, gloves and hat off knowing she would have to go through the hassle of putting everything back on again — she felt like dealing with cold winters was something she would never truly get used to, or at least not without complaining.
However, even though she wasn’t a big fan of the cold weather and the snow, the Italian was happy to endure it if it meant seeing her girls having fun — and it was undeniable that she did enjoy their family quality time more than anything, no matter how uncomfortable the temperature initially felt.
Once in their kitchen, she quickly prepared two mugs of hot cocoa for her and Maya, but took her time making something nice for Lucia too, since she was too little to have the sugar bomb the adults were about to enjoy.
After a few minutes, she went back outside with their two mugs and Lucia’s special baby not-cocoa in her Station 19 sippy cup (a present from auntie Vic), setting all the drinks on their deck table and making sure the outdoor heater was providing enough warmth for them to sit out there comfortably.
She could hear very loud giggles coming from the backyard, but her bambine were nowhere to be seen. Approaching the steps that led to what was their lawn now covered in snow, she saw a blur going down the little hill on the side of the house and landing next to the bushes that used to be their garden, where Carina could see them pretty well.
Her two girls threw their heads back laughing. Maya sitting on the sled while holding Lucy on her lap.
Carina just watched them for a minute, keeping that image in her mind. A picture would certainly not be able to capture properly the delight of that scene, it wouldn’t be as special as seeing the pure glee she could see and feel. Still, she reached for her phone and made sure to guarantee a register of that day, as Maya would be happy remembering it later.
After their giggles subsided, Carina decided it was fine to make her presence known.
"How about a pause so our drinks don’t get cold?" Carina asked and Maya nodded, holding Lucy’s hand and directing her towards her wife.
“Sure. Let’s go with mamma, sweet-pea.” She replied as the brunette reached for the toddler who started wiggling away from her hold.
“More!” Lucia pouted as she brought her little hands together repeatedly signing the word more, indicating she wanted to keep playing.
Carina then crouched down to be at her eye level and calmly conceded:
"Solo un'altra volta e poi facciamo una pausa per bere, va bene?” The Italian said to the toddler. There was no reason for denying her more of the great time she was having with her mother — she could reheat their drinks if needed. In fact, the two mothers were really thoughtful about it — they offered the limits and boundaries she needed to learn in order to be safe and keep others safe, but they also tried to practice saying yes as much as possible. Especially because they knew how it felt like being denied simple things like quality time and just… happiness.
“Bene!” The mini her replied nodding happily, already trying to waddle her way back to Maya who had been watching their interaction, giving them space to negotiate.
And up they went again, but this time Carina made sure to film a slow-motion video of them sliding down. After that last turn, being consistent to Carina’s words, the family finally walked back to their deck to have their hot drinks.
“I like watching you two play. It’s like I have two children.” The Italian joked and Maya scrunched up her nose showing Carina her tongue, but suddenly straightened up checking if their daughter had seen that — which she fortunately hadn’t. Carina just laughed, having caught herself in that position a handful of times too, now that they needed to pay attention to every single thing they said or did, as they had a tiny person absorbing everything around her.
“My point is proven.” Carina added getting a playful glare from Maya that she wiped away with a peck on her lips. “I don’t say as if it’s bad. It’s cute. It’s something my mamma would do… maybe even my papà, if he was having a good day.” She said with a longing smile.
Maya just smiled and looked away sipping her drink. After that, the Italian didn’t get any more comments from Maya, the three of them falling into a comfortable silence as they watched Lucy drinking her not-cocoa.
Carina just observed her wife for a while, trying to pinpoint what had triggered Maya’s pensive mood. She was sure it was bound to come up later, after Lucia went to bed, as that was the time they had to themselves. But she didn’t have to wait another second as she suddenly became aware of what she had said.
She mentioned that her mamma and even her papà would do that.
Maya’s parents wouldn’t. They didn’t. And her heart broke a little at that thought.
It was upsetting that Maya didn’t get to just have a regular childhood, but their current reality was satisfying, because somehow she was getting the chance to rewrite her story by being a great mom to their daughter. Carina felt truly happy to see that her wife was getting to experience the little things she had missed as a kid and wouldn’t get to enjoy as an adult if they hadn’t had a baby, because all those little silly moments would be considered meaningless to grownups. However, after having a child and witnessing the joy that those little silly moments brought to her… everything changed.
Seeing Maya like that, candidly playing with their daughter in the snow, Carina thought back to a specific moment during her pregnancy. They had been talking about their expectations and Maya had felt anxious, bringing up the fear she would screw up by being too strict and acting like her father. As they took that subject to their therapy session and started working through the anxieties and concerns that both of them had about their past and their future, they also ended up with the recommendation of a parenting lecture that they watched on that same day.
The lecturer had talked about how it can be tricky to give what we don’t have — or how to offer to the children what wasn’t offered to us and we might not have to offer… She proceeded to explain that we have to reeducate ourselves and heal ourselves from our own traumas so we can rewrite our childhood experience and not replicate it with our own children. We have to heal our wounds so we don’t wound our children. We have to heal our past so we can break our family’s patterns.
Although that had initially seemed like more pressure, they started to understand, little by little what it meant — and it made even more sense after the arrival of their baby. Therapy had been the first step and she knew that if the old and worried Maya and Carina could see themselves now… they would be freaking proud, she thought.
With that perception in mind, she admired even more the mother Maya had become. Behind the endless patience and love she offered Lucia day after day, were the healing scars of a childhood filled with the opposite she was offering. Carina knew firsthand how it felt like, and that made her fall in love with her wife all over again everyday.
“Thanks for the extra marshmallows.” Maya said after a while, putting her mug down on the table and getting closer to her wife.
“You’re welcome!” Carina replied as the blonde kissed her cheek and they turned their attention back to Lucy.
The little girl sat in her highchair playing with the empty sippy cup, as she had just finished her drink.
“Hai finito, topolina?” Her mamma asked, getting the toddler's attention.
“Si! All done!” Lucy answered setting the cup down and looking expectantly at her moms while she waved her hands signing she was done. “Down?” She asked directly to Maya, pointing at the backyard.
They took their time getting Lucy out of the chair and taking the mugs back to the kitchen, as they had just finished their drinks and didn’t want to immediately restart their active play. After a few minutes, and for Lucy’s contentment, they went back to the backyard reaching for the sled board.
This time, Carina made sure to be the one pulling it, wanting to offer Maya the same joy and spontaneity she provided their daughter with — the joy that the younger Maya didn’t get to experience thoroughly. Along with Lucy, they all could rewrite their experiences and create new memories together.
Even though Maya had always liked the winter, for most of her life the season had truly only meant having to run and train in the cold, no matter how uncomfortable it was. That reality had been entirely replaced, especially after Carina — because with Carina she built her own home. At first, winter meant cozy days, hot drinks and warm bodies… Then holidays, cheers, midnight kisses and winter trips. Now the season also had a bigger and even more worthwhile meaning that gave her all the more reasons to love it: celebrating their daughter’s life and sharing with her all the delight of days like those…
When Maya caught herself in those casual moments of pure bliss with her family, she could feel herself soaring, as if she had reached those clouds she had once imagined, finally feeling like she could live… And she knew in her bones how big of a part Carina had played in that matter.
She had helped her bloom, her love blossom and she felt like she had become the best version of herself with Carina by her side. And she was happier than ever to push herself to keep being her best for Lucia. They both did.
As the afternoon went by, she caught herself watching her wife and feeling her heart fulfilled and warm with the love that only kept growing. Carina was the mother Maya knew she would be, and she was overjoyed to share that experience with her.
Later that day, when they were snuggled up on the couch having some Marina time, as they called it, after putting their little one to bed, Maya caught Carina staring.
“What?” She asked playfully, curious about the loving look she saw on her wife’s face.
“Just thinking…” Carina brushed away the question taking a sip of her wine. Maya simply raised her eyebrows waiting for her wife to elaborate, but seeing how she wasn’t really being funny, the blonde dropped her smile and waited as Carina moved a little to be able to look her in the eyes.
“Remember when we were still waiting for Lucia and you were worried about being like your papà?” Carina dropped all at once taking Maya by surprise. The younger woman immediately sobered up and sat up straighter on her spot, not knowing where that conversation was going — or even coming from, for that matter.
“Mhm, sure!” Maya answered nodding and setting her wine glass on their couch armrest cup holder before focusing back on Carina.
“We’re both aware that you are nothing like him — and I hope you never doubt that ever again.” She stated watching Maya. “Today was really special and I was just thinking about how incredible it is that you're giving Lucy everything you didn’t have as a child — as a daughter. You’re giving her all the love and respect you didn’t have.” She declared while tracing patterns on Maya’s arm, not taking her eyes away from her wife's ocean blue ones she loved so much.
“I know we’re constantly trying to reframe all of our family experiencies so we do everything right for Lucy… But you know what?” Maya paused and Carina nodded gesturing for her to continue. “I may not have had it as a kid, but that changed at some point. I have all the love and respect to offer to her, because I got that from you.” She smiled, reaching for Carina’s hand. “You also helped me to give a new meaning to love and family, and that’s only one of the reasons I’m so thankful I get to call you my wife and mother of my child.”
“Bambina!” Carina pouted as her eyes welled up. “It was supposed to be my emotional speech and now you’re the one making me cry.”
“As long as they’re happy tears, I’m happy to do the speeches!” Maya said caressing her wife’s face, her eyes glistening.
“Seriously, you’re wonderful. Seeing you playing with her today warmed my heart… I know you never had that as a child, and you’re giving it to Lucy anyway.” Carina said smiling that beautiful smile that made Maya’s heart flutter. “And also getting to live it for the first time. I mean, it’s never too late, right?” She added getting a chuckle from Maya.
“I guess…” Maya chuckled. “Was this the reason why you were looking at me like that this afternoon?” She asked curiously.
“Like what?”
“Like… I don’t know, you just had a look.” She shrugged.
“If it was an I love you and I’m proud of who you are look, then yes.” Carina replied as she grinned.
“I love you too and I don’t know how I got so damn lucky!” Maya said running her hand through Carina’s hair. “But I’m happy I did.” She completed tenderly laying a kiss on her wife’s forehead.
“We share the same luck then.” Carina replied with a wink causing Maya to smile as she reached for her wine glass and took another sip before leaving it on holder again.
“Was it really just that, though?” The firefighter asked.
"Yeah. Why?”, she said kissing Maya’s left hand right above her wedding ring. “Do you need some more words of affirmation?”, she added provoking Maya. The blonde had given up on fighting the idea of her love languages being associated with praise, having realized a long time ago that she did appreciate words of affirmation more than she had been willing to admit.
“Shush”, she said moving closer to Carina, their lips meeting in a tender kiss that was briefly enjoyed until interrupted by the brunette who had a mischievous smile on her face:
“I don’t know, maybe you want a gold medal for mom of the year?” The Italian joked, and Maya just shook her head thinking about the gold medal craft Carina had made her for her first mother’s day. It had Lucy’s little foot stamped and the title mommy of the year engraved on it.
“Done with the jokes?” She asked and Carina nodded still laughing. “Then baciami!”
“Mmm, in Italian?”, she praised bringing her hand up to Maya’s face and brushing a strand of hair away, tucking it behind her ear and resting her hand on the right side of her neck. “It seems like the mommy of the year is running for wife of the year too…”, she suggestively added raising her eyebrows. Maya just smirked and pulled her wife's body to herself.
"Vieni qui”, she answered as she brought their lips together again, feeling Carina’s smile against hers.
The kiss was calm and slow and just nice. They enjoyed the quietness and each other’s presence while finishing their wine, and a little later in the night, as their lips met again, it was still calm and slow… Until it wasn’t. Then they danced their own dance, the one they knew by heart, sharing a love and a synchrony that was theirs, only theirs.