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“We have a lot of Christmas crap!”, Maya broke the comfortable silence that had settled as they rummaged through their boxes of Christmas decorations. They had gathered a very nice collection of ornaments since they had gotten together. Besides the ones they already had, the couple made sure to include the nice and cheesy cliché ornaments with pictures of their first Christmas together and also their wedding day.
"Don’t say it like that”, Carina said with a whinny voice, playfully scolding her. “It will look very nice once we’re done”, she completed with a pout. She was definitely a Christmas person and made sure to have their house filled with Holiday joy. Maya wasn’t really opposed to it, but found it both cute and funny how seriously Carina took the jolly season.
“I’m sure it will”, the blonde agreed while taking another ornament out of the box. “You know what the song says, though… right?” Maya joked pointing at Carina’s pout.
“Còsa?”, the Italian asked with a confused face that made her wife's smile widen while she walked in Carina’s direction starting to sing. The brunette knew that smirk way too well!
“You better watch out, you better not cry…”, she settled her hands on Carina's waist and kissed her lips before completing the verse “you better not pout!”. She pecked her lips again and kept just humming the rest of the song as she handed her the ornament.
“So the Grinch sings Christmas songs, huh?”, she said getting the object from Maya and stopping to look at it.
“I'm not a Grinch! I like Christmas too, you’re just another level…”, Maya said but her eyes also followed Carina’s to the ornament she had given her.
“You're my Grinch”, the brunette said glancing at her and winking before hanging the piece of decoration on a branch of their tree and standing back with Maya admiring it. “Even though it’s not our first Christmas together, this year it feels different.”
Maya moved and got closer to Carina hugging her from behind as she rested her chin on the brunette’s shoulder. The taller women instantly put her hands on top of her wife’s and held onto her too as they both looked at the ornament that said 'our first Christmas as DeLuca-Bishop (or Bishop-DeLuca)' with a picture of them at their wedding in the middle.
That ornament had been kind of a joke, as they couldn't decide between the last name's order. After all, they had settled on DeLuca-Bishop, mostly because Carina said so, while Maya reaffirmed she didn't care much about the name order as long as its owner was happy by her side.
“It does feel different”, Maya agreed. “Actually…”. She said and paused leaving a soft kiss on her wife’s shoulder, “I got us one more ornament. Wait.”, Maya told her walking away to reach for a small square box that she had left on the table earlier while getting all the storage containers out.
"Didn’t you just say we have too much 'Christmas crap'?, Carina asked drawing quotation marks in the air while imitating the blonde’s voice.
“But we do. I didn’t say it was a bad thing!”, she winked, “Also, this one is special… And before you say the other ones are too: they are! But this… just open it, ok?”, Maya asked and Carina watched her tap her phone's screen restarting their playlist that had stopped playing at some point while they worked.
The DeLuca-Bishop Christmas playlist was filled with both English and Italian Christmas classics. Maya’s favorite thing about their songs, though, was the fact that most of the Italian ones were versions of the same carols she had known her whole life, and that made it really helpful for her to understand and learn more of her wife’s language. Listening to Italian music had been her first step into learning more about Carina’s culture, and she surprisingly fell in love with it — even when she couldn’t understand a word yet. However, learning Italian, although a difficult and slow process for Maya, was an ongoing bonding experience for them, and one that they both ended up enjoying.
For Carina, the music in the background simply sounded and felt like home — their home. The safe space that they had created for themselves, founded in love, honesty and respect… The place she felt pleasure and joy in decorating for her favorite time of the year, because she was making memories — in their home and for their home. Listening to their mixed languages playlist while putting up their souvenirs around the house and on their tree, she already could see many memories they had created throughout the years they spent together… She also couldn’t not imagine how it would be a few years from now, when they would have even more stories written around their home — and, hopefully soon, another little DeLuca-Bishop to celebrate and make new memories with them.
“Believe”, Carina read on the white porcelain taking it from the box. It was a beautiful ornament and she smiled thinking of how they kept the quote 'don't stop believing' on their chalkboard. “I love it, bambina.”, she said looking from the white ball to those beautiful blue eyes she loved so much.
“I wanted to get one that said future moms or something cheesy like that”, Maya admitted scrunching her nose and blushing a little. “But I know it could take some time before it becomes real, so…”
“It could. Maybe… I just want us to be aware that it can take a while so we don’t get ahead of ourselves and end up frustrated.”
“I know, but I’m sure we can upgrade that next Christmas with whatever stage we are when the time comes…” she smiled at the thought “However… I wanted to have something as a symbol of this new step we’re taking. Step… more like a leap.” Carina chuckled nodding as she reached for Maya’s hand. Physical touch was definitely her most evident love language and they were both aware of that — Maya more than happy to oblige. "Because you set off a dream in me. And that’s the energy I want to put out there for us. I want to believe we’ll be the best version of us — for us and for our child… I know there’s a long way to go, and now I’m choosing to believe it will be a beautiful path."
Carina just stood there for a moment, looking at Maya with her watery eyes full of all the love she had for the woman in front of her. Maya had given her her heart for safekeeping while receiving hers in exchange. Thinking back to the very beginning of their relationship, Carina remembered how Maya referred to herself as broken and how she had stated that she wasn’t in the habit of fixing broken people. They were two fools for those brief puzzling seconds of uncertainty before they were pulled into each other by the invisible strings that would tie them to each other for the next minute, and the next days and years to come. Forever and ever, amen.
Truth is that Maya didn’t need fixing. All it took for her to change into the best version of herself was finding the right person to weather the storms by her side, as cliché as it sounds. With Carina — not for her or because of her — Maya allowed herself to feel, live and love in this life.
Carina, too, got to finally experience loving and being loved fully and irrevocably, despite the bumpy roads in the beginning of their journey. A love that was hers and for her, in which she received just as much as she would give. She was taken care of just as much as she cared. And the deeper they fell for each other, the more Carina felt sure she had found just the right person… The one who was willing to grow with her, to be better for herself and for each other.
"You… you’re… wow!”, Carina babbled unable to find the right words to convey her feelings.
“What?”, Maya asked a little amused by how emotional her wife had gotten listening to her words.
"Thank you."
“For…? Honey, you’re speaking in sentence fragments”, although curious to understand what Carina meant, she chuckled finding it really cute.
"For being you. For… existing.” Maya quickly sobered up hearing those words.
"Well, you’re welcome, my love. I’m very thankful for your existence too… but where is this coming from?"
"From my heart, of course”, she smiled coyly. “As we said the other day, we have been going through so many challenges and grief and even though it’s hard and sad, I feel happy now.”, Carina said before pausing for a second and taking Maya's hand in hers. “And I feel happy because of you, because of us. So thank you.”
“I love you”, Maya answered pulling Carina into her arms and propping herself up to kiss her on the forehead and then on her right cheek. “Ti amo”, she whispered with a little accent that melted her wife’s heart. “And there isn’t a language in the world that can express how much."
“I love you too”, Carina said caressing Maya's cheek. Pecking her lips one last time she turned away a little so they could face the tree again. “How about we finish this task so we can make some hot chocolate and cuddle on the couch?”
“That’s a great way to motivate me!”
“I know who I married.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”, Maya provoked getting raised eyebrows as an answer from the Italian woman. “That I am goal oriented and ambitious, I guess.” She winked.
“Esattamente.”, Carina agreed. "Where should we put it?”, she asked as she held the Believe ornament, roaming around the tree trying to find a good spot for it. Maya pointed to a space on the left side and they settled for that, satisfied with how it looked. "Perfetto."
“Here's the last one: our gay ornament”, Maya joked reaching for the last trinket in the box and Carina couldn’t stop laughing with her as she hung the plaid flannel ball on a branch.
After setting all the decorations on the tree, the wives focused on finishing their task while humming whatever Christmas songs were playing. They worked with admirable synchrony in their space. The Maya who had been freaking out right after Carina moved in would be very proud seeing how they moved around the house with a rhythm that was theirs, only theirs… and a flow that wasn’t interrupted unless intentionally: to steal a kiss, to enjoy a touch, to share some love.
As Carina made sure the tree looked as good as she wanted, Maya collected the storage boxes and started tidying up their room, finding spots for a few stray accessories that hadn’t been placed yet.
"Are we done with all the Christmas craziness now?”, Maya asked placing the wooden letters forming the word Noel on their mantel. Their stockings were hanging right under it. Carina glanced at Maya shaking her head as she leaned to turn on the lights, watching as the whole three lit up. It looked beautiful! However, for Maya, even more beautiful was watching her extraordinary wife with that sparkle in her eyes. Oh, how she loved those eyes! Especially mirroring all the colors from the Christmas tree and the warm light coming from the flames in their fireplace…
She grabbed her phone and snapped a picture of Carina, who turned to her smiling, knowing from Maya’s heart eyes that she had been observing her. They both did that sometimes, as the idiots in love they were. They excelled in being soft for each other and took pride in that, being aware of how incredibly lucky they were for having each other — for loving and being loved.
"You know we’re just decorating, right? When Christmas actually comes, we’ll be cooking and baking and, oh, we have to make those cookies like last year!”, Carina said excitedly walking to Maya and putting her arms around her, rocking their bodies from side to side.
“Mm-hm… Now that sounds fun!”, the blonde replied as she took her hands to Carina’s face, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear and pecking her lips.
“I don’t know whether to get offended or not, because I'm pretty sure the fun you’re thinking about isn’t necessarily the cookie decorating part of that day…", Carina stopped their little dance and raised her eyebrows, looking at the other woman with inquiring eyes — but she couldn’t hold back the smirk that made Maya chuckle.
“You know there’s no way in the world I could deny that, right?”, she shrugged. “But my cookies turned out pretty great. Better than Travis’.”
“It wasn’t a competition, bambina!”, the taller woman said, to what Maya sheepishly mumbled a 'sure' that Carina only heard because of how close they were. Her wife was incorrigible, but her cookies did look amazing and she wasn’t planning on raining on Maya's parade. Travis could take it.
“Let's go make us some hot chocolate. We deserve those cuddles after our Holiday makeover”, the brunette stepped back reaching for her wife’s hand and they walked to their kitchen, where Carina quickly started sorting what she needed for a nice mug of hot chocolate. The blonde reached for the mugs, placing them on the counter, and leaned on their kitchen island while she observed her wife.
Taking in their surroundings, Maya thought about her previous Holidays — the ones that preceded Carina in her life. There weren’t true family holiday traditions in her household, as they all lived under Lane’s iron fist. Although they did decorate and even enjoyed the season somehow, there was always a fog of fear and apathy around them. After moving out of her parents’ house, she didn’t feed many new habits either. She would celebrate at work, attend to parties with her friends, exchange gifts and even put up a few decorations in her house. What she had now, though, felt completely different — because it was indeed a contrasting novelty.
Building family traditions with Carina was delightful and gratifying and… comfortable. Something they had never felt to the fullest extent in their own houses growing up. But now that they were a family — their own family — they consciously vowed to break their family patterns, so Maya hoped they would never again have to experience the unease and unpredictability they had been put through. And they wouldn’t.
That course of thought led her to think of what she wanted for her child and for herself, as a mother… And although Maya DeLuca-Bishop wasn’t sure of many things regarding the adventures of parenting and motherhood, of one thing she was sure: she wanted to provide to her child a reality different of the one she and Carina had had as children.
“You know”, she started, getting Carina’s attention as the Italian poured the hot liquid in the mugs. "I was thinking about what you said the other day… that you bring babies into the world but never get to know what kind of mothers your patients will be.”, Maya said softly, tiptoeing to get to the actual subject that she knew was a sensitive spot for both her and her wife. Carina handed her a steaming mug of hot chocolate and nodded encouraging her to continue saying whatever it was that she had in her mind. “I don’t know what kind of mother I will be—”
“A wonderful one, Maya”, Carina interrupted her right away, making Maya chuckle but reach for her hand, squeezing it softly.
“Thank you, but that’s not what I mean yet”, she kindly pulled the hand she was holding so Carina would follow her to the living room. “This is heaven”, she said as they got comfortable on the couch, sitting sideways so they could face each other — it was their thing.
“So what did you mean to mean then?”, Carina asked as she threw a light blanket over them.
“Well, that you’re going to be a wonderful mother is a fact. And I’ll try my best to be just as good…”
“Hey, don’t steal my line.”, she joked and then sobered up: “I just know you’ll do great, bambina.” The brunette said running the tips of her fingers up and down Maya’s arm in a soothing touch.
“Thank you for your faith in me”, she smiled. “I was thinking about what we’ve been doing around here and how we are creating our own family’s traditions.” At that, Carina smiled and focused her attention solely on Maya’s face, listening intently. “I know that there will be wonderful and spontaneous moments as well as I’m sure there will be tough and challenging ones… but all I want is for our baby to grow up in a better environment than we did.”
“And they will, bella.”, Carina declared ceasing her touches to firmly hold Maya’s hand. “We’ll raise them to be happy”, she completed.
“And they will grow up feeling loved and safe”, Maya added.
“Punto.” The Italian said getting a smile from Maya who mumbled like this, boom! making both of them laugh before falling into a comfortable silence, just watching each other for a moment while drinking from their mugs.
It was Carina who broke their quietness after a while.
"What are you asking Santa Claus?"
“O-okay, this has gone too far now”, the blonde chuckled watching Carina’s mischievous expression.
"You know I’m just kidding. But really, what are your Christmas wishes? The non-material ones, I mean”, she asked gently nudging her wife’s leg.
"Hmm… I’ve said that already. I want a little you”, Maya winked, knowing that her answer, besides being a truth, would also get her wife’s heart flutter.
"I don’t think I’ll get tired of hearing that. It’s like a dream."
Maya smiled, but felt like asking “Why?”. She knew it was something sweet to say, but she was also a little curious to know if Carina meant that it was like a dream to get to be a mother or to have Maya finally change her mind.
“Because it was probably the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard in my whole life?”, she asked rhetorically raising her eyebrows. “You know we would have been okay if you hadn’t decided on having a baby, right?”, Maya nodded. They had had long conversations about it… But she was happy they wouldn’t have to settle for that possibility. “The dream is not necessarily that you changed your mind, because you had all the right to not do it… And it’s also not just the fact that I get to be a mother, but the fact that I get to do it with you.”
“There's no one else in the world I'd rather be doing this with”, Maya said bringing one hand to Carina's face, softly caressing her chin while leaning to kiss her lips. They both loved these simple moments they shared as much as they loved the heated ones. Their relationship was more incredible than they could have ever idealized.
“This last year and couple of months were filled with frustrations and uncertainty after my demotion and everything that came after that…”, Maya broke the silence after a few minutes. They both knew that even though she had been resilient through the changes — being a Lieutenant again and having an incompetent boss — she was still waiting and hoping her investigation would have a proper and fair conclusion. "And then the explosion happened and added more pain and loss to it…”, she looked down playing with the handle of her mug for a moment before continuing. "But right now, although most of it is still the same, I can’t help but feel content. Because even if there’s a storm breaking out there… here, in our home, my heart is full.” She confessed in a low voice, looking into her wife’s eyes.
“Mine too, bambina”, Carina said quietly, bringing Maya’s hand to her lips and kissing it tenderly. “And as for the storm… Well, we’ll weather them together.” She completed and Maya nodded — they both knew they were better together. The blonde kept her hand in Carina’s and intertwined their fingers as they cuddled up by the firelight — the empty mugs set aside on the center table.
As the silence fell and they enjoyed the presence of each other just being, Maya realized she hadn’t seen a very interesting part of their decoration since they started organizing earlier. Her eyes traveled swiftly around the room but it was nowhere to be found.
“Carina, did we forget the mistletoe?” Maya asked confused and watched as the brunette’s eyebrows rose a notch.
“I can’t believe I forgot the most important piece of decoration!” She said after letting out an overly dramatic gasp and getting up to go look for it.
“The most important, seriously?” Maya whined as her wife got out of her arms. “It's not like you need an excuse to kiss me”, she said raising her voice a little so the other woman could hear her. "My kisses are all yours.” She completed with a sassy wink when Carina approached with the mistletoe in her hand.
“That’s adorable”, she said, “but we’re not brushing aside one of the cutest Christmas traditions. This is one we have to keep!” Carina stated leaving the ornament on their center table and taking back her spot on the couch — and in her wife’s arms.
Maya watched her Carina for a second as she snuggled up against her and a smile creeped onto her face as an idea crossed her mind.
“Then I know the perfect place for it.” Maya said as she reached for the mistletoe and held it above their heads smiling that beautiful smile that had her wife falling for her — and receiving back from Carina the same oh so bright smile she fell for — as their lips met in a sweet and loving kiss.