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It was getting late — already past the time Maya was supposed to be home. Carina hadn't heard from her in hours and the fact that she knew what was happening made it all even worse: there had been a four alarm fire. Enough years had passed that she was now very familiar with the levels in the fire alarm dispatch system and their significance.
One and two alarms usually meant her badass wife would go out there, boss people around and come home with some stories to tell.
Any fire alarm dispatch that goes past two is considered a very big fire, so if a dispatch call goes out for a four-alarm fire, that means she has plenty of reasons to be frightened.
She knew numerous things could happen and she understood how important of a role Maya had in those catastrophic situations.
Carina was extremely proud of her. Always. But being the captain's wife and the mamma of their children, she was also terrified.
She could put on a smile and pretend everything was alright and she was sure it would still be — but that wasn't what she wanted to show to her children. Carina believed telling the truth was almost always the right choice. She remembered the advice she gave to Jack, years ago, when he saw himself as a parent figure for Marcus – she had told him to let the little boy see his real feelings and emotions, because hiding them wouldn’t do any good. Although she was very emotionally intelligent, after having her own children she could admit it was easier said than done.
"Mamma, when is mommy coming home?", the little boy asked quietly. As he made himself comfortable in his mothers’ bed, he hugged his teddy bear trying to suppress a yawn. Carina ran her fingers through his sand blonde hair and sighed.
"It may take a while, piccolo, but I hope not too long", she replied, mentally praying she would be right. "You should sleep now, it's late".
"Would you please tell her to come give me un bacio when she's home?”, he asked making a cute pleading face.
"I will. But you don't even need to ask, that's probably the first thing she will do as soon as she enters the house", she chuckled and touched his little nose. He seemed to be fighting sleep, so Carina started to play with his hair very gently as he closed his eyes.
"That's not true!”, he said almost falling asleep. "I'm sure she will kiss you first", he completed smiling and scooting over to get closer to his mamma who kept running her fingers through his hair.
"How about you, bambina?”, Carina turned to the girl, lowering her voice to not bother the sleepy younger child.
"I'm a little scared, mamma", Stella whispered so her little brother wouldn’t hear. "I heard aunt Vic and uncle Travis saying it was a beast."
"A beast?"
"Yes, the fire. They said the fire was a beast.”
"Oh, Stellina! They were just being silly, tesoro.”
Stupidissimi, Carina thought holding Stella closer to her and hugging the little girl tenderly while Andrew drifted off snuggled up on her other side.
"I know it sounds strange, but it's their job, so they get excited to be able to work on something that big."
"But why? It is dangerous!"
"I know. And that is why. That's their job, they were trained and they have the equipment needed to deal with dangerous situations. They help people and they save lives…"
Carina could see the gears turning in the child's head, processing what she had said, so she gave the girl a few seconds before starting to talk again.
"And you know what?", she waited for Stella to look at her, "We can worry about your mommy and everyone at 19, but we have to believe and hope they're going to be okay…", she told her daughter and lowered her voice to a whisper, as if telling her a secret, to add "Because they are real life heroes." The little girl nodded and with a subtle smile she snuggled closer to her mother. “Do you want to stay or go to your own bed?" Carina asked.
"I want to stay here with Andrew for a little bit", Stella answered. "Will you stay a little more too? Please?" she asked, holding her mother's hand. Carina smiled and tucked her in, making sure both kids were comfortable to sleep before getting herself comfortable half sitting against the pillows, one arm around her daughter.
"Ah, bambina… You know what my mamma used to say about your uncle Andrea and me?”, Stella looked at her shrugging her shoulders, "She used to say we were two parts of a whole… Because we were just like you and your brother." She smiled thinking about their memories, their childhood back in Italy, and the privilege of reconnecting with him in Seattle and being whole again for a while on this side of the world.
"It makes me happy that you and your brother share that”, she completed, playing with Stella's hair just like she did with Andrew's a few minutes before and watching as the little girl got more relaxed and sleepy. Carina was also happy that her children had a way healthier environment to grow up in — a reality different from what Carina herself and Maya had growing up. That had been a thoroughly discussed topic when they decided on growing their family, and it had been instantly established by both that their number one priority was for their children to grow up feeling safe and loved. They would deal with the rest as it came, weather the storms together... but first and foremost, they wanted to make sure they would raise them to be loved and happy.
However, the path that led them to deciding on have children of their own hadn’t been a casual one. Maya hadn’t given it a lot of thought, if she was being honest. When Carina said she wanted to have babies, her first reaction was pure shock, mostly due to realizing that they had never even mentioned the subject before. Her whole life she had been so busy keeping her eyes forward and focusing on the finish line that she just never really fed the idea of ever being a mother.
When she was younger, her father had been in control of almost every detail of her life — her meals, her sleep schedule, her (lack of) friends… There wasn’t a lot of space left for fantasizing, especially about a life she didn’t really know. The fluffy clouds she would see through the airplane’s windows and the prospect of resting and being free were the only thought that would soothe her, as she had told Dr. Lewis during her visit following Rigo’s death. After growing up to be "allergic to monogamy” (as stated by Maya herself), having a baby would probably never be a possible course of action in her list of priorities and goals.
But then she met Carina… And so many things changed. Even Maya changed — not because of Carina, but with Carina.
From the moment Maya realized she had been living like she was running out of time, a lot of things changed. She was so tired of keeping her eyes forward and at some point it clicked that the finish line wasn’t always her goal anymore. There were so many things worth fighting for… So she dared to run off that track to start building a new one. She dared to break protocol and fight for what she believed in. She dared to open her mind, learn and fight along with her friends. She dared to let herself rest and love. She dared to let herself live…
And at some point, Maya Bishop had decided that the love she and Carina shared was big enough to be shared with a child of their own.
That decision was carefully discussed and meticulously thought through. Carina, especially, wanted to make sure Maya wasn’t sacrificing her own values, goals and expectations for a desire that was initially only hers. For this reason, they talked, they studied all their options, and then talked some more. They left no stone unturned.
Over the course of time, it all led them to have those two amazing little creatures laying in her bed waiting for their mommy to come home.
Carina couldn’t help smiling as she watched her two wonderful children finally asleep snuggled up against her. They missed Maya — all the three of them were missing her. Their schedules had been all over the place, especially since Maya had been pondering the possibility of running for battalion chief and Carina had a new research project in progress at Grey Sloan. In spite of that, they would still try to make as much space as possible in their schedules for family time, and it worked perfectly unless there was a casualty like the one that was happening at that moment.
After a long day dealing with emergencies at work, then single-handing dinner time and bed time amongst the apprehension, the Italian doctor felt tired, but unable to sleep — she wanted to wait up for her wife. She got her phone from the bedside table and checked it one more time, just in case, but there were no new notifications. No news at all. So she set it aside and took a deep breath trying to remain positive and keep in mind what her friend (and boss) Miranda Bailey had told her the first time Maya had been in a big fire as a lieutenant, after her demotion. Bailey’s words had been very similar to what Carina had just said to her daughter and she held onto them throughout the years.
***
2021
Carina was anxious.
She was very good at keeping her composure, but since Maya had been demoted and started running into fires again, Carina had found it very difficult to keep her anxiety at bay every time Station 19 had a call that involved more than a kitty-cat stuck on top of a tree… And although a text saying “I might be late” was completely fine, a fire being broadcasted on television wasn’t. It meant things were likely worrisome. And she was worried.
That’s how Miranda Bailey found her: standing in the middle of a waiting room, staring at the TV and lost in her racing thoughts.
“Dr. DeLuca?”, Bailey tried to get her attention. “Is everything ok?”
“Well, my wife is somewhere in there”, she pointed to the TV that currently pictured a building being swallowed by flames, “so no, I’m definitely not fine. I’m freaking out”, she completed running her hands through her hair and starting to pace.
“DeLuca, come with me”, she said turning around ready to start walking, but stopped as she realized Carina had no intention to follow her. “Carina?”
“I’m not going anywhere, I need to know what’s happening”, she said finding a chair and sitting down, eyes still glued on the TV and leg bouncing up and down.
“Listen, I know what you’re going through and—“ she paused realizing the Italian doctor wasn’t even trying to pay attention to her. Because she knew exactly what she was talking about, after many years of despair since Ben joined the Fire Department, she walked to the TV and turned it off. “Watching it just makes it worse”, she said.
Carina looked at Miranda, the anger boiling inside of her as she tried really hard to not yell some Italian expletives at her boss. She closed her eyes counting to ten in her mind, trying to calm down before saying anything.
“Did you forget that my husband is also a firefighter? And that he’s also there with your wife and the others?”, she questioned, giving her the famous Bailey attitude and definitely ‘Bailey-ing’ her, as Ben would say.
“Oh my— I’m so sorry, chief Bailey! I’m sorry! I'm just… I don’t even know, I’m just feeling everything at once”, she said getting up and resuming her pacing.
“I know, Carina. And I don’t mean to sound condescending. I just truly know how you’re feeling right now. I’ve been there a lot more than I would like to…”, she said, getting the brunette’s attention again. “And it would have had been nice to have someone who understood it to support me. So I would like you to know that you’re not alone.”, Carina stopped pacing and let the words sink. She nodded and then sighed.
“I hate this”, she said, “and don’t get me wrong. They’re heroes. But I hate feeling like this…”
“I guess you’ve never gone through a fire this big since you and Bishop got together?”, the chief asked.
“Not really", she shook her head. “When I met Maya she was the captain. She was the one making the calls…”.
The Italian hadn’t had to worry about Maya being in considerable danger before, but a lot of things changed after their wedding — starting from the fact that Maya had been relieved of her duties the same night they said “I do”.
They had been living together for some time already, which helped them with getting the hang of the actual married life. However, besides getting used to being wives, they were also having to get used to the fact that one of them literally ran into fires for a living — and although Maya Bishop was really good at fighting fires (and anything she put her mind to), it was even more terrifying for Carina now that they were building a life together.
“I just feel so small right now. What they do is amazing, but at the same time… My whole world is there, you know?”, she said in a quavering voice, trying to hold her tears. “She's my home, and she’s there, and—“, she stopped her rant and closed her eyes, taking in a deep breath.
“I know”, Bailey said holding Carina's hands and looking her in the eyes.
“It isn’t easy, DeLuca. But they love their jobs and as you said, what they do is amazing. They’re great firefighters and they’ll do their best to get their victims home and also come back home to us at the end of the day.” Carina nodded, getting lost in thoughts again.
“Are you second guessing your choices?”
“What choices? What do you mean?”
“Your marriage.”
“No. Oh, god! Not at all. I love Maya. I— No, I’m definitely not second guessing. It’s quite the opposite. I’m just scared for her, you know?”, she shrugged her shoulders looking for words to describe her inner chaos. “This past year was crazy. I already lost too much. And Maya… I can’t loose her. She’s my home. I would choose her all over again.”
That made Miranda Bailey smile with sympathy.
“Well, that’s a good start. I had my doubts in the beginning”, she revealed. "I was so scared… It look me a while to realize that because I was so afraid to lose Ben, I was pushing him away instead of soaking up every single moment with him”, Miranda explained. “So do that. Enjoy every little moment you have together. We will always worry, and with them having the job they have, it makes it a little bit easier to know that we’re living the best life we can. Together.”
“So that’s how you do it?”, Carina asked.
“That’s how we do it. We wait. We pray. And we have to believe they will be alright, because that’s the only way this works”.
***
The sound of a door closing and some shuffling had Carina awake from a light drowse. She immediately jumped out of the bed — the kids too far gone to be bothered by the noise or the movement. Walking down the hallway, she spotted the figure she had been longing for and praying to see soon. Maya was taking her shoes off trying to not bend down too much. Her whole body was hurting and she was so tired she didn’t feel like embracing the pain — old rule be damned! She was tired and sore and all she wanted, besides resting, was to hold her family and let them know she was fine and safe.
As soon as she saw Carina walking in her direction, Maya just opened her arms to her and they held each other for what felt like a very long time, but still not time enough.
“I'm home, honey”, she whispered against Carina’s neck. Letting out a sigh of relief, the doctor stepped back and started checking the blonde for injuries. The firefighter knew that her wife needed the reassurance of seeing with her own eyes that everything was fine, so Maya just stood still, knowing better than to just say she was okay.
“I’m so sorry I didn’t call sooner, I didn’t want to wake you up this late in case you were sleeping”, Maya said quietly, knowing the kids were asleep.
“Bambina! I’ve told you so many times that—"
“…I should call no matter what”, Maya completed her sentence, "I know, and I’m really sorry! But when we finally finished and got back to the station, all I wanted was to just run home already.”
Carina nodded in understanding and held Maya’s face, caressing her cheek with her thumb. “Are you really okay?”, she asked.
“Yes. I had to visit the hospital, though. The call was pretty bad, we all had to go in at some point, so everyone ended up getting checked up at Grey Sloan. I’ve got some bruises and— hey!“, Her sentence was cut by Carina resuming her check up, lifting Maya's shirt and moving her hands around her body looking for any sign of injuries. “I’m fine, ok?”, the fire captain said grabbing Carina’s hands and holding them in hers. “I’m home. I’m right here”, she let go of her hands so she could hug her again. They wrapped her arms around each other and Carina held her as tight as she could, breathing her in as Maya did the same while laying her face in the crook of her wife's neck.
“The kids?”, she asked without moving from where she was, her voice muffled against Carina's skin.
"Asleep. They prolonged bedtime as much as they could, but eventually got tired”, the explanation made Maya chuckle, after all that behavior wasn’t surprising.
“Sorry, honey. Did they give you a hard time?”, the blonde asked and Carina just mumbled a “unh-uh” without moving from her arms.
“Are you hungry? Do you want to eat something?”, the Italian asked and as Maya shook her head she kept going: “How about a shower? Do you want to take a shower? I can help! Wait, is that a smile? Maya! Why are you laughing?”, she stepped back so she could look at the blonde’s amused face.
“Honey, I don’t need food or a shower, ok? I promise all I need is to have you close to me”, she said as she pulled Carina closer again. “God I missed you! I truly dislike it when our shifts get messy like this!”
“Me too, bambina. The kids miss you too. Andrea asked me to tell you to go give him a kiss”, she said letting a little laugh come out.
“Why is it funny?”, Maya looked at her expectantly. Their youngest was in a very enjoyable phase — as his communication skills were getting better each day, he was always saying things that were way too cute or silly and that would easily melt his mothers’ hearts. At the end of each day, they usually had at least two great remarks from both kids to share with each other.
“I said that that would be the first thing you would do and you know what he answered?”, she paused and smiled. “He said that it wasn’t true, because you would kiss me first for sure.”
“Well”, Maya pecked her wife’s lips, "he wasn’t entirely wrong…”, she paused kissing her one more time, "Was he?”
“No. Senza dubbio”, she answered bringing her pointer finger to her wife’s chin and caressing the adorable dimple there.
They eventually let go of each other so they could walk to their bedroom. The weight of the night starting to show as Maya moved slowly, very tired and even limping a little — detail that was promptly noticed by Carina.
“It's nothing, I’m—”, she started saying but stopped herself noticing how her wife was staring at her. “My ankle is just a little sore and I don’t want to put all my weight on it”, she elaborated and smiled sheepishly seeing Carina’s narrowed eyes, “I promise it’s just that. I’ll tell you if it keeps hurting”.
“Promise?”, she whispered as they got to their bedroom.
“Mmhm”, Maya answered and started changing into comfortable pajamas.
“Do you want me to take them to their own bed? Are you sore or…?”, Carina asked since their bed was currently occupied by Andrew and Stella.
“I am indeed, but honestly, this is exactly what I need right now. I just want to hold the three of you”, the blonde said walking over to the bed and laying down with an arm over the kids. Stella had her own arm around Andrew.
“He didn’t want to stay in his bed and she didn’t want to leave him alone”, the brunette explained.
“That doesn’t surprise me,” she smiled, ”Stella is the best big sister ever”, Maya said moving a little so she could kiss the little sleepy faces that she loved more than anything. “Night, night, little monsters. Mommy loves you”, she whispered.
“Well, I also didn’t want to be alone, so…”, Carina said while walking around the room and grabbing something Maya couldn’t identify from her spot in the bed.
She just chuckled, too tired to say anything besides mumbling “Come to bed. What you’re doing…?”, as Carina brought the toddler bed rail and started setting it up so the kids wouldn’t roll and fall off the bed.
"Just making sure they’re safe on this side. As much as you want to hold the three of us, we want to hold you too. I want— I need to hold you."
She finished setting up the bed rail and walked to the other side of the bed, getting under the covers and opening her arms so Maya could lay against her. Carina embraced her breathing her in again, running her nose down her neck and the curve of her shoulder, putting every one of her senses into making sure her wife was really there. As they started to relax in the comfortable silence, only hearing the light sound of the kids’ breaths, Carina linked their fingers together finally ready to sleep.
“Carina?”, Maya whispered a little while later, checking if she was still awake.
“Si?”, she answered quietly.
“I think I made a decision”, she said. That got Carina’s attention and she moved in the bed, propping herself up on one elbow so she could look at Maya’s face.
“And…?”
"I want to run for battalion chief.” Maya answered. “It won’t be easy at first, but if I get it… I believe it would be the best choice for our family. More structure, less danger…”
“Okay.”
“Okay?”, she turned her body so she could look at Carina's face.
“Si. Okay.” Carina whispered one more time, still calm and unconcerned.
“But you remember how my second run for captain was stressful and—“ Maya’s ramble was cut by a tender kiss and she just gave in to Carina’s soft and warm lips.
“We’ll be fine”, she said lightly rubbing her nose against Maya’s. “We’ll work on it together. Better together, remember?”
Maya smiled.
“How did I get so lucky?”, she voiced the rhetorical question gently nudging Carina so she would lay down again. The blonde held her wife’s face and kissed her cheeks, her nose and finally her lips.
“I could ask the exact same thing”, she answered and they smiled as they got quiet again, soaking up that wonderful bliss that was theirs, just theirs.
After a while, feeling relaxed enough to sleep, Maya moved and turned around, getting herself comfortable in Carina’s arms again.
They sighed and look at their children.
“They’re perfect”, Maya muttered.
“They are”, Carina acknowledged smiling against Maya’s shoulder.
“We’re doing a good job.”
“We are.”
“I love you”, the firefighter said as she took her wife's hand and brought it up to her lips, kissing it .
“I love you too”, Carina answered against her shoulder, where she gave her a soft kiss.
As the silence fell, they closed their eyes soaking in that moment right before they started to fall asleep. In the love, the relief. And there, everything just felt right…. because they were all home.