Chapter Text
Bellatrix sat in an office chair with Hermione leaning over her from the side to help instruct her on how to use that ‘infernal muggle contraction’ the kids raved about. Hermione had just finished re-explaining how to use a keyboard and a search engine. So far this attempt went a lot better than the prior one where Bellatrix accidently destroyed the computer by using her wand on it. Sensitive electrical components and magic don’t mix well, and the computer didn’t stand a chance when Bellatrix attempted to move the cursor with her wand which in reality damaged the previous computer so badly it had to be scrapped.
“What are these ‘e-nails’ I heard about stored on this computer thingy?” Bellatrix asked, tapping her manicured nails on the computer screen. The computer didn’t respond mainly because it wasn’t a touch screen monitor, but it wasn’t like Bellatrix understood that yet, despite all Hermione’s attempts to get her to. She finally got Bellatrix to stop attempting to control the cursor with her wand, but for some reason she still thought she could get all screens to work by tapping them like the lady at the supermarket check out line.
“E-mail,” Hermione stressed, correcting Bellatrix’s mispronunciation of the muggle term. “Electronic mail, It’s--” Hermione said but before she could explain it further Bellatrix cut her off.
“Electronic males!?” Bellatrix shouted in disgust. “Like there aren't enough dicks in this world. First the plastic pricks, now digital dongs too?”
Hermione snorted, having remembered taking their misadventures while muggle shopping. While they were out, Bellatrix had seen a plain sign advertising in large red letters: “TOY STORE!” Unfortunately for them, or mainly her, Bellatrix dragged her over before they could see the other part of the sign that was cut off. Mainly the part which read: “ADULT”. Bellatrix in her moment of childlike enthusiasm had dragged them right into a muggle sex toy shop, which shocked her pureblood sensibilities.
Not because Bellatrix hadn’t frequented sex shops before. No, those she was quite familiar with. It was because it was a muggle sex shop, a far cry from the nondiscript magical sex shops she knew, containing spell scrolls guaranteeing zest up your sex life, potions with various effects and doubious claims, various books with salacious imagery and details on sex rituals, etc. Her main conclusions were that muggles were strange and from the lack of enchantments on their toys their sex lives must be severely lacking in the fun and freaky department. ‘I almost pity them and their pathetic sex lives’ Bellatrix muttered as she perused the muggle shop.
“They’re like owl--” Hermione explained, only to be cut off again by Bellatrix who had already moved on from that thought.
“Are there electronic females?”
“...No,” Hermione answered, trying to keep her voice neutral, not give up her bold face lie, “there aren’t.”
“Well, that doesn’t seem fair,” remarked Bellatrix, with a frown. “Are you sure? Maybe things have changed,” Bellatrix said as she moved the mouse to click on the ‘accio box’.
Hermione quickly grabbed Bellatrix’s arm, stopping her from typing the query into the search bar. The last thing Hermione wanted was Bellatrix to find shady websites and infect their new computer with viruses.
It definitely wasn’t out of a burst of jealousy at the thought of Bellatrix looking at other women who were probably naked and knowing the Bellatrix would test the limits of the accio box. Mainly because she already tried it with recipes. It started off normal with recipes with pineapple. Recipes for pineapple pizza. Chocolate pizza. And then it went off the deep end. Chocolate pizza with anchovies. Chocolate pizza with anchovies and pickles as she tried to defeat the computer. She could still hear Bellatrix’s cackle and ‘Take that computer! Witches are superior at conjuring anything that comes to mind’ as she conjured the unholy food combination to prove her point.
‘Thank you gods for safe search and the ability to block websites,’ Hermione thought, as she made a mental note to go back through and check random combinations of words that Bellatrix would most definitely try out before she found the explicit side of the internet. “Ah Bellatrix, you can also use it to go shopping,” she informed, trying to distract her girlfriend, “There’s knives.”
Hermione quickly took the mouse, clicked the search bar, typed in knives and clicked the first ad.
A loud voice blared out of the computer speakers as videos of people struggling to chop vegetables. “Fed up with knives that just won’t cut? Dull knives that destroy your dinners? What you need is the Miracle Diamond Ultimate Chef’s Knife Pro!” The salesman held a pretty generic looking knife as he quickly chopped through the produce. “Tomatoes are no problem.” Then he moved to the stranger items on his cutting board. “This aluminum can? Cleave it in half.” The man then tossed the pineapple up and slashed it into two and announced, “Even a pineapple in midair. Our patented Diamond Blade technology keeps the knife’s edge so sharp, you’ll never need to sharpen it again.”
Hermione was having immediate regrets as she realized Bellatrix would be way into testing As Seen on TV garbage. She didn’t bother to look in Bellatrix’s direction because she knew Bellatrix was already sold on buying the product.
The camera panned out where a massive fish was tied to a rope suspended in the air. The man took a few very aggressive chops at the fish, hacking it into pieces. “It will even make quick work of this frozen solid mackerel. Buy it today while supplies last! Only 6 easy payments of 17.99. Not including shipping and handling. But if you call the number on the screen right now, we’ll even throw in a bonus, The Miracle Diamond Ultimate Chef’s Paring Knife Pro. BUT wait there’s more,” came the voice, as a countdown timer appeared on the video. “If you order before the countdown expires, we’ll add an additional item to your order, The Miracle Diamond Ultimate Chef’s Knife Premium Knife Sharpener Pro.”
Hermione noticed Bellatrix was gone from her seat, probably to find Hermione’s phone to get in on the ‘limited’ deal. She considered stopping her, but then realized she had a perfect opportunity to stop Bellatrix from finding explicit things from ‘accio box’.