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English
Series:
Part 1 of SSV Normandy Group Chat
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Published:
2022-01-14
Completed:
2022-03-02
Words:
2,338
Chapters:
7/7
Comments:
118
Kudos:
834
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9,185

can you imagine the roaming charges during interstellar travel

Summary:

The Normandy crew texts each other about very important things. Super important things.

Notes:

Chapter 1

Notes:

heya! this fic generally follows the plot of the first mass effect game - if you haven't played through it yet, (1) you owe it to yourself to play it immediately, oh my god, 11/10, and (2) spoilers ahead!

Chapter Text

Tue, Jun 7, 2183, 1:04 PM

Lt. Cmdr. Jane Shepard

Hey! I'd like to introduce all of you to a human extranet communication program - we call it 'texting.'

We use it when we want to talk to someone, but we don't need an immediate response and we don't want to write a whole message.

Human crews have found it useful for improving unit cohesion, so I uploaded the program to all of your omni-tools.

Ask Engineer Adams if you have any questions.

Liara T'Soni

It's not that hard to write a full message, you know.

Lt. Cmdr. Jane Shepard

thank you for your input liara

Tali'Zorah nar Rayya

Oh! Quarian crews have a similar program! BRB importing all of my emotes.

Tali'Zorah shared 1,435 images

Lt. Cmdr. Jane Shepard

what have i done

GyC Ashley Williams

not sure what you expected skipper

Garrus Vakarian

this is just because you're tired of taking the elevator down to the shuttle bay to chat, isn't it

Urdnot Wrex

What? You don't want to see my pretty face? Hah. Your loss, Shepard... :)

Lt. Kaidan Alenko

This is such a great idea, Commander! Now there's finally a place that I can share these bad boys

Kaidan shared image_903.jpg, image_924.jpg, image_930.jpg

Shepard in boot camp!

GyC Ashley Williams

awww! mini-commander!

Urdnot Wrex

Does the Council know that you used to be so...gangly?

Garrus Vakarian

Definitely would have washed out of turian regiment training

Liara loved an image.

Lt. Jeff Moreau

Oof. Not a good look, commander.

Lt. Cmdr. Jane Shepard

i'm throwing all of you out of the airlock.

Chapter 2

Chapter Text

Tali'Zorah

Garrus, want to make some dextro food with me? I'm getting sick of ration bars.

the alliance can build the most advanced ship in the galaxy but can't come up with any other flavors besides "gray"

Garrus

sorry, I can't. Getting my gear ready for the next mission.

Tali'Zorah

What next mission? Last I checked we're still sweeping the system for geth activity, and we haven't found anything in a week.

Garrus

you'll see. Guess I'm just in the know.

Tali'Zorah

bosh'tet.

ten credits says shepard picks me for the next mission instead of vakarian.

Garrus

you're on.

Ashley

i'll take that action

Joker

nah guys she's totally gonna pick me

Garrus

Easy money. Our next stop is Xawin. We're investigating the disappearance of the crew of a freighter that was attacked by privateers.

and you'll never guess which turian on this ship has years of investigation experience under his belt

you can pay up whenever you like, i'm in no rush

Tali'Zorah

suuure.

just one small problem with that. who's gonna hack the databases you find down there?

or sift through the ship's manifest and engineering logs?

Garrus

Well...

Tali'Zorah

but you go ahead and "investigate" some merc heads with your sniper rifle. i'm sure you'll turn up a lot of useful information.

really uncover some mysteries

Joker

Daaaaaaaaaaamn.

Well, Pressly just found a landing zone. Bring out your wallets!

Lt. Cmdr. Jane Shepard

Kaidan, Wrex, report to the briefing room.

Lt. Kaidan Alenko

ouuuuuuch. Well, duty calls.

Wrex

Seeya later, pyjacks! Uncle Urdnot has some pirates to kill.

Chapter 3

Chapter Text

Urdnot Wrex

Shepard?

Lt. Cmdr. Jane Shepard

Wrex?

Urdnot Wrex

Shepard.

Lt. Cmdr. Jane Shepard

Wrex.

Urdnot Wrex

Shepard!

Lt. Cmdr. Jane Shepard

Wrex...

Urdnot Wrex

Shepaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrd.

Lt. Cmdr. Jane Shepard

Wreeeeeeex?

Urdnot Wrex

Shepard.

Lt. Cmdr. Jane Shepard

Wrex.

Chapter 4

Chapter Text

Tali

just saw Liara go into Shepard's cabin for another "research briefing"

during the night cycle

when everyone's supposed to be asleep

for the fifth time

how subtle do these dorks really think they are?

Garrus

you'd think the commander would know better, special forces subterfuge training and all

Tali

FOR REAL THO

Kaidan

i actually caught her in her bs the other day

Tali

spill.

Kaidan

so some morning last week I caught Shepard making tea for Liara.

which I knew was for Liara because Shepard only drinks coffee. with cream and sugar. the works.

Ashley

...why do you know that

Kaidan

not important.

so I asked her what was up and lo and behold our favorite hardcore N7 killing machine blushed so hard she almost spilled the entire teapot on her uniform

i asked her if she was trying something new, since I thought she didn't even like tea. And she says "I could be drinking tea! I could totally be drinking tea!"

and i shit you not she takes the tiniest sip and painfully tries to choke it down before saying "see?"

Ashley

fucking incredible

i got a story too

walked into the medbay to get some pain meds yesterday only to bump into shepard leaving liara's research room.

Asked her what's up. She tries to play it off real smooth and says something like "ohh, nothing ash. Just checking in on Liara to make sure she's settling into the crew."

We picked liara up three. months. ago.

worst liar ever.

Tali

askjdfkajhsdfkjhasdkhjf haHAHAHAHAHA

Urdnot Wrex

You kids are just figuring it out now? I thought it was obvious, put things together ages ago.

Ashley

Oh yeah? Do tell.

Urdnot Wrex

Remember when Liara first came aboard, and Shepard had her give the whole crew a presentation about her theories on the Prothean extinction? For the "tactical value" of course.

Kaidan

honestly I think I slept through that one.

Tali

ugh yeah it was soooo boring

Urdnot Wrex

Well, while you whelps were moping, you'll never guess what Shepard was doing.

Staring at Blue the whole damn time.

Joker

Subtle.

Garrus

Heyy, guys?

guys.

Tali

what, too good to share your own story vakarian?

Garrus

tali.

the commander's still in here.

Lt. Cmdr. Jane Shepard

hi

Tali

keelah.

Lt. Cmdr. Jane Shepard

yeeahh.

umm.

...I should go.

Lt. Cmdr. Jane Shepard has left the chat.

Tali

if one of you could shoot me immediately i would appreciate it

Liara T'Soni

I can help you with that!

Kaidan

pfft hahahahahaha

Ashley

holy shit i'm dying

Chapter 5

Chapter Text

Garrus

Hey, can one of you bring one of Tali's sealed containers of water to the mess hall?

She may have had a few sips too many of Turian brandy.

Wouldn't want our favorite quarian to be too hungover tomorrow.

Tali

shhh im,m fine garus

Garrus

Just saying, I did warn you.

Tali

wow youre so cool. with your drinking and shooting and brooding

Garrus

Hey now, I don't brood.

...Shepard, do I brood?

Jane Shepard

not gonna touch that one bud

Tali

i'm garrus vakarian. im soooo dark and broody. i could kill a man with a glance and i wouldnt even feel a little bad about it

Garrus

I'm not like that at all.

Kaidan

You absolutely are like that all the time.

Tali

shepard wouldnt let me shoot a criminal once so i cried in the bathroom when i thought no one was looking

Wrex

Hah!

Jane Shepard

he didn't really...did you garrus?

Garrus

Oh now it's on. Two can play at this game.

"I'm Tali'Zorah. I got kicked out of my house because I needed to grow up and I'm going to make it everyone's problem."

"I'm secretly a princess, but nobody could immediately guess that about me after a single conversation."

Tali

hey

Garrus

"ohhhh, the ship is simply too quiet. good sir, would you pleeeease increase the rattling for me?"

Joker

hey tali, if it helps i could always gun the engines randomly in the middle of the night

Kaidan

I'm sorry, just catching up - Tali's a what now?

Garrus

"Remember that time when my ancestors made an army of killing machines for fun and then immediately decided to piss them all off? Good times."

Tali

low blow vakarian

Wrex

I don't think that you want to bring ancestors into this, turian.

Jane Shepard

yeahhh, gotta go with wrex on this one.

Garrus

Oh, you want to get in on this Shepard?

What's the human saying? Glass houses?

Liara

Oh! How about this?

Liara

I'm Jane Shepard. I'm a ruthless, tough soldier. I've killed thousands of pirates and synthetics and other scum around the galaxy. And if I don't have cream in my coffee I'm going to mope about it all day.

Jane Shepard

whoa whoa whoa

Tali

CALLED TF OUT

Liara

I'm the best fighter in the galaxy. You know, as long as I have a squad behind me taking all the shots.

Garrus

I'm such a good shot that I let Garrus handle all the sniping. You know, just to let him practice. It's charity, really.

Tali

and suuuuuuch a good infiltrator,, i could get into anything, anywhere. but i graciously allow Tali to hack open everything for me instead.

Kaidan

And on top of all of that, a skilled tank pilot! Such a smooth, steady ride.

Jane Shepard

wow guys, i've never felt so loved

But hey, if you wanna be the one who has to walk up to the council and tell them with a straight face that giant robot squids from deep space are coming to kill us all, you can go right ahead.

Liara

If it means that I get your room, then absolutely.

Tali

liara you already live there shut up

Chapter 6

Chapter Text

Tali

guys

i'm bored

like i know we just stole the normandy and we're probably all going to die tomorrow but cmon, nobody's doing *anything*

Shepard

hey now

we've totally got this

Joker

way to sell it shepard

i feel better already

Shepard

i'm still writing my inspirational speech okay?? jeez.

Garrus

So you DO write them ahead of time!

Wrex

A speech? Why, do you kids still get nervous before a fight?

You'll grow out of it. Nothing soothes the soul better than knowing you're about to have the fight of your life.

Liara

You find that relaxing?!?

Wrex

You don't?

Tali

whatever

let wrex be wierd

i wanna watch a movie

Kaidan

You know, I've been wanting to see Fleet and Flotilla for a while.

Tali

fucking YES

Garrus

Come on, a chick flick?

Let's at least watch something that will get us into the mood for a fight.

Tali

wow guys garrus is too cool for fleet and flotilla

Kaidan

Too busy polishing his gun, I guess.

Tali

it's okay, you're allowed to preemptively brood for the mission

Garrus

Spirits. Fine. Where are we setting up?

Tali

yES

Kaidan

Could use the holoprojectors in the briefing room, assuming we're not going to be calling the council for a while.

Joker

nah shep had me forward all of our incoming comms to some bar in Brazil the second we left dock

and i'm totally in btw. Should be able to grab Pressly too, he loves sappy shit like this

Tali

THE PARTY GROWS

Kaidan

I'll grab popcorn!

Garrus

Commander please help, I'm surrounded by romantics.

And Kaidan, grab me some dextro snacks while you're there, thanks.

Shepard

sorry guys, gonna have to miss out on this one

Garrus

What, writing your speech?

Shepard

um

yeah

Tali

Liara? You in?

Liara

Perhaps another time!

Shepard

she's, uh, also writing my speech

it needed her academic touch

Garrus

I'll just bet you did, Shepard.

Kaidan

You two sure are writing your speech pretty loudly.

But hey, I can't judge your creative process.

Tali

pffffffffffffffffffffffffffft hahahahahahahahaha

Shepard

please god just watch your movie

i beg you

Wrex

Shepard. I just want you to know that I respect you as a fighter.

But damn if you aren't the worst liar I have ever met.

Anyway, you all had me at popcorn. Make room for me, pyjacks!

Joker

guys please dont let wrex crush me thanks

Garrus

I'll grab some blankets. And some medigel. Just to be safe.

Tali

MOVIE NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chapter 7

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Thu, Dec 15, 2183, 10:24 AM EST

Garrus

Hey, Shepard.

You know, turians have this tradition. We go to the final resting place of the dead and say the things that we never got around to saying.

The priests say we do it in order to make sure that the spirits of the dead aren't tangled with the living when they start their next phase of life.

I've never been very spiritual myself. And I don't know if I could ever really detangle myself from you. Sorry.

But I'd like to say some things anyway.

You don't have a resting place, Shepard. Your body's still out there. I looked. I didn't find it.

So this will have to do.

I went back to C-Sec. Like you said I should. Not much fanfare. Pallin gave me a pat on the back for putting a bullet in Saren's skull, but after that it was all back to normal. Business as usual.

I thought it would all change. With Sovereign and everything, it felt like it had to. But it hasn't. It's all still the same. Crimes. Corruption. Rules. Paperwork. Toe the line. Do what you're told. The Council being the Council, C-Sec being C-Sec. It's like nothing we did ever happened.

They're starting to say that you're crazy, you know. That the beacon damaged your brain, left you confused. That the Reapers don't truly exist.

Barely even waited until your body was cold before they started lying about what we did. Bastards.

I don't think I can stay here. Working for people like that, I mean. Listening to the lies they're spreading. Protecting people who spit on your name.

Part of me wants to run. Go somewhere full of criminals and do things my way. Right some wrongs. Put people who deserve it in the ground, where they can't hurt anyone anymore. Try to make a difference before the Reapers kill us all.

I know you wouldn't like it. You'd find another way. You'd somehow bend how things work in the way that only you can. And that's the problem.

There's no one else like you out here. No one who does things right like you. No one else has that spark.

The galaxy is a darker place without you.

I'm going to miss you, Commander. Rest easy.

Notes:

sorry

That's it for mass effect 1. It was fun to write these dorks, so maybe I'll bring the chat into mass effect 2. We'll see.

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