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It was a quiet afternoon, save for the pattering of rain against the tiles on the roof. Their neighbors down the lane, who usually busied themselves with a seemingly endless amount of noisy yard work, had gone inside for the day. The birds and squirrels that fluttered and scurried around the garden were nowhere to be found, presumably hidden away somewhere seeking refuge from the downpour. Champion, the mutt that they had found in the city just before leaving Marley for the last time, was asleep beneath the kitchen table.
Erwin liked these sorts of days. When the rain brought the world to a standstill he followed suit and settled into its easy, unhurried rhythm. He napped, read books, puttered around the house doing mundane tasks that he hadn’t gotten around to yet. He put records on the phonograph - a Marleyan invention he was especially fond of and equally intrigued by - and sang and danced around the living room when there was nothing left to do.
Most days it was hard to believe that just just a few years ago imagining a life like this was a delusion, nothing more than a cruel and impossible dream. Yet, somehow, he had woken up from a seemingly endless fog to a world where he was no longer a soldier, no longer tasked with the burden of playing executioner. From where he stood now, fuller and healthier than he had been in decades and with all four entirely human limbs fully intact, it was his old life that seemed like a nightmare.
It wasn’t the same for Levi - who had wheeled himself to the kitchen and now stared blankly at a row of mahogany cupboards that lay out of his reach.
“Levi,” Erwin asked, putting down his book and taking a tentative step toward him. “Do you need me to get something for you?”
Levi nodded and lifted a thin arm in a gesture toward the cupboard just above the stove. “You need to get the plates out. Five of them.”
“Five?” Erwin raised an eyebrow. “Why so many plates?”
“The brats are coming for dinner. Onyankopon is coming with them.”
Erwin sighed and moved to crouch beside Levi. Champion stirred from his spot under the table and looked at them with watchful eyes.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Levi asked, brows furrowing as Erwin placed a gentle hand on his knee.
“Darling, they were here yesterday. We had dinner and played cards with them. They won’t be back until next week.”
The muscles in Levi’s face tightened almost imperceptibly. “Oh.”
Levi was no stranger to loss. He had been losing people he loved ever since he was barely older than a toddler, and now with no one left to lose he was faced with losing pieces of himself. It was something new and wholly terrifying, even if he tried not to show it. The war had taken away his mobility, ruined his eyesight and hearing, gnarled his skin with burns and scars, slurred his speech and turned something as simple as holding a pen into a herculean effort. But all of that was inconsequential when compared to the devastation that had been wreaked on his mind.
It hadn’t been obvious, at least not at first. Levi excelled at hiding his weaknesses and focusing on the task at hand. It was the reason Zeke Jaeger was dead and gone, the reason Levi came out of the war with the singular goal of reuniting with Erwin. During their first few months together Levi had been uncharacteristically upbeat. He smiled often and kept himself busy with caring for their new house, apparently totally unaffected by the stresses of everything that happened before.
Then, one night after Armin had come to visit, the dam broke.
“He’s a good kid,” Levi had said, his head resting against Erwin’s chest as they sat on the couch.
“He certainly is. He’s grown into a very impressive young man.”
“He reminds me of you sometimes.”
“Is that so?” Erwin said, chuckling quietly.
“Yeah. He reminds me of Hange too.”
Erwin paused for a moment, pulling Levi closer. Hange's death was unfamiliar territory for them, one they hadn't broached yet. “Yes, the two of them are quite alike, aren’t they?”
Levi hummed contentedly and buried his nose into the fabric of Erwin’s sweater. “We should invite Hange over soon.”
“What?”
“They haven’t visited us yet. I thought they’d be kicking down our door, too, the way they used to bother us... you should give them a call tomorrow.”
“Levi, I…” Erwin croaked, and Levi only looked up at him with tired eyes. Heavy silence fell over the room and didn’t lift again until morning.
Later in the week they visited a doctor in Marley that Onyankopon had recommended. There, Levi was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, and an endless list of things that all came down to side effects of a traumatic brain injury. The doctor said that the injury must have been sustained on the day that Zeke detonated the thunder spears and exacerbated by high levels of exertion and improper care. While Erwin blinked away tears, Levi took the news the way he took so many other things - with a stoic expression and quiet resignation.
When they returned home they settled back into their usual routine. Levi was determined to carry on as if nothing had happened, but the other shoe had already dropped. There was no way around it, no hiding it like before.
“Sorry,” Levi said. “I got mixed up again.”
Erwin shook his head and kissed Levi’s temple. “You don’t need to apologize, not to me. It’s alright to get mixed up sometimes.”
“Doesn’t stop it from being a pain in the ass,” Levi grumbled and leaned into Erwin’s lips as he pressed another kiss onto his skin. “Guess it’s just dinner for the two of us, then. Help me cook?”
“Of course,” Erwin said, biting back a groan as he stood up and began to comb through the cupboards for dishes.
An hour later they settled down at the table, two plates of seasoned duck and fresh greens with a cool beer beside each. Levi’s plate sat at the head of the table and Erwin’s just to the right, carefully positioned so that he was both within reaching distance and Levi’s narrow line of vision.
“This is delicious,” Erwin said, voice muffled by a mouthful of duck meat. “You always season it much better than I do.”
“Mouth closed when you chew, Smith,” Levi replied. “But thank you.”
“Are the vegetables okay? I overcooked them last time.”
“Yeah. Not nearly as soggy.”
“I’m glad to hear that. Do you need help with anything?”
Levi grunted out a no, looking down at his plate as he smoothed his napkin across his lap. He picked up his knife, maneuvering his ring and pinkie fingers so that they maintained a stable grip, then cut into the meat. Erwin watched as he sniffed the food before taking a small nibble and chewing it carefully; Levi had always had unusual eating habits, and it was oddly comforting to know that they hadn’t faded with time.
“Jean and Mikasa are visiting us for lunch tomorrow,” Erwin started. When Levi didn’t respond, he leaned over to tap on Levi’s arm and repeated himself.
Levi glanced at him. “Right.”
“They should be here in the early afternoon. I put it down in the calendar for you.”
“Thanks.”
Erwin sipped at his beer. “Do you think there’s something going on between them? They mention each other often in their calls.”
“Tch. Wouldn’t be surprised. Jean’s always been all soft over her. This is his wet dream come true.”
A smile tugged at Erwin’s lips. “No need to be so crude at the table. And yes, I was aware that he’s always harbored some feelings for her. I just hadn’t realized it was mutual.”
“Don’t think it was, not until recently,” Levi said, shrugging. “Times change.”
“Indeed. Well, I’m glad they’ve found each other. Life isn’t easy. We all need someone we can count on to love and support us.”
Levi nodded and turned his attention back to his greens. They finished their dinner in quietude, broken only by brief remarks from one or the other.
“Do you want more beer?” Erwin asked as he wiped the grease away from his mouth. “I was thinking of having another glass.”
“No, I’m fine.”
“Can I get you one of your chocolates, then?”
“No. Don’t think I should be eating too many of those, seeing as I can’t burn it off anymore. Already have a gut from all this sitting,” Levi spat.
“A gut?” Erwin laughed. “Where?”
Levi frowned and pointed toward his stomach. “Right here.”
“I don’t think many people would consider going from no body fat to a small percentage of body fat to be the same as growing a gut. Besides, you look healthy and well fed. That’s not a bad thing.”
“Tch, maybe if you were the one -”
“Levi,” Erwin said. “You look perfect. I promise. But you never have to eat chocolate again if that would make you feel better.”
Levi turned his head toward him now, fixing his good eye carefully on Erwin. His other eye, cloudy and dull, looked somewhere off in the distance. “Can I ask you something?”
“Always.”
“What you said about Jean and Mikasa earlier… about how everyone should have someone they can count on…”
“Yes?”
“Do you have that?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
Erwin’s eyes shot toward him and his grip on his glass tightened. “Why would you ask me that?”
With a long inhale, Levi slumped against the back of his chair. “You’re not nearly as smart as I thought you were if you need to ask.”
“Of course I can count on you, Levi,” Erwin said. “No one, not a single other person in my entire life, has ever been there for me the way that you have.”
“The least you could do is be honest with me,” Levi sighed and wheeled away from the table. “I’m a grown up for fuck’s sake, I don’t need you to protect my feelings.”
“I’m not doing anything, Levi, please come back here.”
Levi stilled for a moment, muttering something under his breath, then continued down the hall towards their bedroom.
Erwin had learned a long time ago that Levi needed space when he was upset. Expressing feelings was difficult for him on a normal day, and when he was distressed those emotions just became more tangled and frightening than they were before. So he stayed in the kitchen, drinking another beer as he did the dishes and tidied up the messes that were leftover from cooking. It wouldn’t make whatever Levi was feeling better, but an absence of mess would at least help to keep him calm when he decided he was ready to leave the bedroom.
The sun had long gone down by the time he heard the sound of Levi’s wheelchair moving down the hall again. Erwin was on the couch with Champion, listening to a record on the phonograph and stroking his downy ears as he slept.
“Hey,” Levi said as he came to a stop by the coffee table. “Help me onto the couch?”
Erwin nudged Champion off his lap, apologizing as the dog lumbered away to find a place to rest. Wordlessly he helped Levi into his arms and lifted him carefully onto the cushions, then sat down beside him.
“Do you want to talk about earlier?” Erwin asked.
“Yeah.”
“Can you tell me what happened?”
Levi fidgeted. “I don’t understand why you stay with me when you have to put up with… this.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m crippled and you’re not.”
“Levi.”
“No use in bullshitting about it. I can’t walk, can barely see, my hearing is only okay because of my aid. Brain’s all scrambled too. Have to spend all my time in this damn wheelchair getting weak and fat.”
“You know that isn’t true. I’m not going to pretend you aren’t disabled, but you aren’t weak or fat and your brain isn’t scrambled.”
“It sure is something.”
“Levi, what is this about?”
“It’s… Erwin, you got a second chance at life, a life in a world that you always wanted to learn more about. You could have done anything you wanted when you turned human again. But you just decided to be with me.”
“Of course I did. I love you, Levi.”
“But I just don’t understand it.”
“What’s not to understand?”
“You fell in love with me when I wasn’t useless, when I could protect you and take care of you. I can’t do that anymore. I can’t fuck you, I can’t go on walks with you, traveling is so fucking difficult that it’s not even worth the trouble. And you have to do everything for me. I can barely even take a shit without help. So help me understand why you would stick around. Did being a titan for that long fuck up your brain? Or was it out of pity? Is that why you stayed with me?”
“Levi,” Erwin said, lifting his palm to cup Levi’s cheek. He traced along the raised white lines of his scars, ran his thumb over the warm and craggy expanse of his burns, and felt where the damaged tissues gave way to soft, untouched skin. With their faces so close he could see the fine wrinkles around Levi’s eyes and the deep frown lines that sat between his brows and on either side of his lips. His right eyebrow had grown back sparsely, and there were no eyelashes remaining on his right eyelid.
“You’re beautiful, you know.”
Levi stared at him with wide eyes, a faint pink flooding his cheeks, and watched Erwin explore the planes of his face with quiet awe.
“I could never find you useless, Levi. You give me a sense of purpose. You give me love and security. I love having sex with you. I love being inside of you, and I love riding you. You don’t need to be on top to make me feel good. I love going out with you and Champion and pushing your wheelchair when your arms get tired, because I couldn’t ask for anything better than simply spending time with you. I love traveling to see the world together, even if it isn’t always easy. I love the life we’ve made together - the one we had before and the one we have today. And the one we have today is better than anything I ever could have imagined.”
“Shut up,” Levi mumbled, biting down on his lip as he looped his arms around Erwin’s neck, letting his forehead fall to his chest. “Sappy bastard.”
“I meant every word of it.”
“I know,” Levi sniffed as he lifted his head to press his lips to Erwin’s.
It was chaste, so different from the passionate and hungry kisses they usually shared in the nighttime. Levi’s small lips were hot against his own, firm and insistent, desperate to tether themselves to something stable. He kept one hand in Levi’s hair, carding his fingers through the sleek strands, and the other on his back, keeping them close and grounding them to the space they shared together.
“I do love you, Levi,” Erwin said, breath shaky as they parted. “I promise you nothing will ever change that.”
“I love you, too.”