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“Jeno, listen to me. You’re okay, everything is okay.”
The voice sounds familiar, but it’s much too distant for Jeno to even try and work out what they’re actually saying. It’s the least of his worries, anyway, when he’s trying to deal with the way his limbs feel like they’re about to explode and even though he knows it can’t be true, it seems as though he’s floating in the gale force winds around him.
“Baby, you need to try and breathe for me. Focus on breathing.”
He wants to tell the voice he’s trying, but it’s immediately drowned out by the, much louder, screams in his head. They might be saying words too, but there are two many of them to really work out what’s being said. He doesn’t know who to listen to.
“Please, Jen.”
The voice definitely belongs to Jaemin, he’s able to pick that small piece of clarity out as the calls for his attention get even more desperate. The recognition, combined with the way his stomach rolls nastily, punches a gasp out of him. It feels like reaching the surface after being underwater for too long, the air is clean as he gulps as much as his lungs will take and everything sounds so much closer, as if there was a barrier between him and the world around him.
“That’s it, just keep breathing. It’s okay.”
Jeno’s vision is starting to clear too, and the previously threatening shapes looming over him are beginning to look more like his boyfriend and the furniture of his room the calmer he becomes. Breathing is getting easier, although the hyperventilating has given way to sobs that wrack his entire body as the tremors begin to set in. His limbs still feel like they’re tingling, but the new awareness allows him to realise he’s pretty much lying down on the floor of his bedroom, head pillowed in Jaemin’s lap.
The sudden realisation has him scrambling to sit up, as if being slightly higher off the ground might help him to breathe. Warm, gentle hands help ease him up until he’s got his back rested against the side of the bed, and he tilts his head back to stare at the ceiling whilst willing his body to just calm down.
His stomach rolls again, making his skin crawl, and it brings some recollection back to Jeno about how he’d ended up there. His patchy memories start to piece together, and he remembers feeling particularly stressed and on-edge after the intense day they’d had, but he’d been unable to stop himself from going online to see what people were saying about their latest performances. Logically, he knew it was a bad idea even as he started searching, but he also knew the comments his mind would conjure up if he didn’t check would be much worse than the reality. He doesn’t remember what particular comment set him off, or whether there were multiple, only that he realised he was panicking when it was already too late.
Jeno suddenly remembers feeling an overwhelming wave of nausea and quickly darts his head up to scan the room around him. He wouldn’t be able to handle it if he’d been sick in the room. The thought of that happening, or him being near it, would be too much for him to process right now.
Luckily, though, it seems he’s in the clear. There isn’t anything out of place in the room, and it looks just how he’d found it when he got home. His body relaxes again and he’s suddenly more aware of the way his hand is being held. He finds his eyes transfixed on the way the two hands are joined together, before eventually allowing his eyes to travel up the wrist and arm linked with his until he reaches Jaemin’s relieved face.
“Hey”
When all Jeno can manage is a shuddering breath in reply, Jaemin’s face seems to soften even further and he reaches up to brush some stray hair away from Jeno’s eyes.
“Are you with me?” His voice is a low murmur, only tilting up slightly with the question.
Jeno has to blink a few more times before he can really process what he’s being asked. When he gets there, though, he’s able to nod shakily.
No matter how many times it happens, he always finds himself shocked by how exhausted he is after a panic attack. He considers himself to be pretty athletic, he has to be for his job, but it feels like he’s ran 5 marathons when in reality the attack lasted about 10 minutes at most.
He finds his brain moves much slower, too, like there is a noticeable delay between something happening and him processing it. It makes him feel like he’s moving in slow motion whilst everything usually continues at full speed around him, but Jaemin is good at balancing everything for him. There are no loud noises, no sudden movements - in fact, there are virtually no movements at all in the room as Jeno is allowed time to regain his physical awareness.
When he gets there, the embarrassment over the whole thing starts to set in, but he’s honestly too exhausted to give it any space in this room. Instead, he lets his free hand come up to swipe over his own face, still heaving deep breaths as if the air is going to run out again.
Jaemin watches quietly, studying for the signs of each stage, to work out where they’re at. He explained it once to Jeno, after he’d pushed for more understanding, the process he goes through mentally when they have moments like this. He’d detailed how he picks up on little details that help him understand how Jeno is feeling when he can’t communicate it himself, whether he’s likely to be able to speak, whether he needs physical touch or for everyone to stay as far away from touching him as possible, whether they’re actually in the clear or if one wrong move can send everything spiralling backwards again.
It’s strange now for Jeno, when half of his brain is still trying to work out how to feel better and the other half is so aware of how Jaemin is watching him, knowing now what’s going through his head. It fills him with a strange mix of guilt at having the drag someone else through this, but also immense gratitude that he has Jaemin to pull him back into reality. Somehow it helps a little bit too, it gives him something else to focus on whilst his body actually does its job of regulating his breathing for him.
He doesn’t know how long it’s been when he turns to look over at Jaemin again. He can glimpse the window slightly behind his head, although he’s scared to look directly at it out of fear he’ll spot something that will break the peaceful calm, and it looks pretty dark. If he had any idea what time it was when things had gone wrong he might be able to work out how long they’d been sat here, but it was pretty useless even trying - it’s not like that information would even help him.
Instead, he just stares into Jaemin’s eyes, hoping to convey everything he’s feeling. He wants Jaemin to see how scared he is of his own mind, to understand that the idea of him leaving would feel like the end of the world, to see how much he wishes this didn’t happen to them, but most of all he hopes he sees how grateful he is. Jeno doesn’t dare imagine how long these things would last if he was alone, but he knows exactly how much more fucked up he would be afterwards without Jaemin there to look after him.
That’s exactly what he does too. Once he’s finished his silent check over, Jaemin takes both of his hands in his again. “Ready to stand up?” When Jeno’s face betrays his fear at having to go anywhere he adds “We’re just moving to the bed, you’ll be more comfortable.”
Another deep breath, some stabilising from Jaemin, and a wave of dizziness that almost topples them both is all it takes to get them both sat up against the headboard. Jeno is comfortably squished between Jaemin and the wall, and he lets his eyes close to ward of the nausea he’s feeling all over again. He can feel Jaemin shuffling as he re-arranges pillows and blankets around them on the bed, but he always keeps some part of his body touching Jeno’s even as he reaches for different things.
“Jen, I just need to go grab you some water, I’ll be back in a second” He’s slowly pulling away, but that doesn’t stop Jeno from reaching out to grab him as quick as he can with what little energy he has left.
“No, don’t go.”
“I’ll only be gone for a minute, I’ll leave the door open.” Jeno cracks one eye open to see Jaemin half out of the bed, one leg on the ground and the other tightly in Jeno’s grip. He doesn’t loosen his hold though, trying to summon the words to explain to Jaemin how it feels like he might die the second he’s left alone in the room.
Instead, all he gets out is a weak mumble. “Please.”
It works though, and Jaemin settles the rest of his weight back on the bed. He uses his own hands to remove Jeno’s iron grip, gently playing with his fingers instead for a few seconds.
“Okay, I won’t go. You do need water though, so let me text Renjun to bring some at least.” He lets one of Jeno’s hands go to reach for his phone from the bedside table, and Jeno watches the movement until he spots his own phone right next to it and it reminds him exactly why they’re here in the first place. Instead of voicing this, he just slumps back down and buries his face in Jaemin’s shoulder as he writes a quick text to Renjun.
“Do you think you could eat anything yet?”
Jeno shakes his head as well as he can with his face pressed into Jaemin’s collar bone, but it gets the point across well enough. He feels Jaemin finish typing before his body relaxes further underneath him.
Sure enough, a few minutes later there is a quiet knock on the door and Jaemin moves to stand up again. Jeno is reluctant to let him go, but he realises the alternative is letting Renjun into the room and he really doesn’t know how he’d feel about that.
He closes his eyes again as Jaemin opens the door, trying to burrow under the blankets and hide. It doesn’t prevent him from hearing the conversation that happens though. There is the obvious crinkling of plastic as Renjun hands the water bottles over before speaking.
“Is he okay?”
“He will be.”
“Okay, that’s…good. Is he sleeping?”
Jaemin’s head pops back around the door to catch the way Jeno is peeping out of the top of a blanket. “Are you sleeping, Jeno?” He’s grinning in the mischievous way that usually means he’s up to something.
When Jeno just whines and pulls the blanket back over his head he hears Jaemin laugh. He thinks he hears a small laugh from Renjun too, but all he can really think about is how Jaemin is far away from him and has been for too long now. He pulls one hand out from underneath the blanket and reaches weakly towards him, although he’s not even sure whether Jaemin’s looking at him anymore. When it becomes clear he isn’t, Jeno lets out another, louder and more insistent whine.
There’s another shuffle, most likely Jaemin checking that he’s actually okay, but Jeno doesn’t bother peeking out of his cover to see, he just wiggles his fingers to further the point that he’s over being alone.
“It’s okay, I’m coming back.” It’s said much more softly than when he’d been speaking to Renjun, then there is another shuffle before his voice goes back to normal. “Thanks for the water.”
“No worries, just let me know if you need anything else - I sent the others out for food.” Renjun’s voice already sounds like it’s getting further away. Within a second Jeno hears the door close and Jaemin’s footsteps cross the room once again until there is a pressure of weight on the bed to his left.
“Here, drink some water.” When Jeno makes no move to sit up, a hand snakes its way under the blanket to pull it away from his face. He quickly gives up on his hibernation and allows Jaemin to drag him upright with only minimal cooperation until they’re both sat up against the headboard once again. Jaemin hands him a bottle of water before turning to pick up his own and take a sip, but when he’s put the lid back on he glances back to find Jeno holding the bottle in one hand in front of his face, watching intently with a pained look on his face as the tremors wracking his body cause the water to slosh violently on the other side of the plastic.
“Jen?”
“Huh?” Jeno is jolted out of his little trance, dropping the water and quickly glancing to Jaemin, who looks pointedly to the bottle of water where it now lies between them on the bed. Jeno gets the point, picking it back up and attempting to twist the cap off. His hands are just shaking too much for him to get a good grip on the lid. The frustration of being unable to do something so stupidly simple has tears springing back to his eyes, although he tries his best not to let Jaemin see them.
It doesn’t work, of course, and within seconds Jaemin’s taking the bottle out of his hands to remove the lid himself. Once it’s been taken off, he holds the water back out for Jeno to take, and even when Jeno does take it he keeps one had nearby, just in case. He brings his free hand up to gently thumb away a tear that had managed to escape whilst Jeno takes a few tentative sips of water.
He didn’t realise how thirsty he was until he actually got some water, and he’s half tempted to down the whole thing, but a combination of previous bad experiences and Jaemin’s light tap on his thigh when he starts to drink too much brings him to a stop. Somehow he finds himself breathing heavier again, which furthers his embarrassment - how can he be out of breath from drinking water, whilst sitting down?
Jaemin takes care of sealing the water again, slipping it from Jeno’s hands which then immediately go up to drag over his face as he heaves another heavy sigh. Once both bottles of water are safely on the table, Jaemin reaches over to grab the laptop he’d also gotten from Renjun and places it across his lap, slightly angled towards Jeno. He opens the screen, quickly navigates to the drama he’d been keeping up with and Jeno had been tolerating, knowing he wouldn’t be able to focus on anything he actually cared about right now.
When everything is set up, he reaches over to pull Jeno’s hands down from his face. More frustrated tears have fallen, but he lets himself be pulled into Jaemin’s arms with little complaint or struggle. Within a few minutes he’s settled against Jaemin’s chest, eyes closed whilst the drama plays in the background and Jaemin rubs soothing circles into his lower back.
He’s calmer, but no less exhausted, and eventually manages to fall asleep right there. He wakes periodically, sometimes with a jolt as his bewildered mind decides to play tricks on him and bring back any of the feelings he’d experienced, other times he’s roused by the gentle movements of the body underneath his. At one point, he wakes up just as Jaemin is shifting them both further down the bed so they are fully lying down.
When he sees him sleepily blinking up at him, Jaemin whispers a gentle apology before wrapping both arms around him again and pulling Jeno back into his chest. It’s definitely darker now, and the laptop is long gone, but Jeno’s still far too tired to bother working out what time it is. Instead he just grabs around for the edge of the blanket to yank it up over them further before settling back down to actually hopefully sleep for the rest of the night.