Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The stain of red that colors the pavement

Painted with blood of somebody you love

Is this the sacrifice for the broken

Losing the purest of what's in your heart

~”Red”- Survive said the prophet

Stephen Strange was always calm. It was something you noticed at the very beginning of your friendship. It made sense since his old profession required  a lot of focus and calmness because a surgeon like him couldn’t allow himself to make a mistake. It didn’t disappear once Stephen became a sorcerer. You admired it, not fully understanding how it was even possible to have such strong control over your nerves. But Stephen somehow managed to do that even in the middle of the worst battles. What he couldn’t control though were his scarred hands. They always gave away his feelings, but it made you admire him even more. His hands could shake, but his face was stone cold.

It wasn’t the case this time.

“Just keep your eyes open, okay?” You heard a familiar voice, but couldn’t quite tell who it belonged to. The uncomfortable ringing in your ears made hearing almost impossible for you. You blinked two times, trying to get the dirt out of your eyes which only resulted in your vision getting even more blurry because of the tears. And then you felt something pushing hard on your stomach, making you groan in pain. “I’m going to fix it.” The voice spoke again- this time sounding….different. It was almost a whisper, as if the person was talking to themselves and not you. They sounded…. Panicked. Terrified even. 

You really wanted to take a nap, but unfortunately the pain coming from your abdomen was keeping you awake.

“It hurts.” You whined, your hands wandering to the source of your discomfort and meeting with a pair of shaking hands of the mysterious voice. “Stephen, it hurts.” You whispered and gasped when your friend pushed on your stomach even harder. Why was he doing it? Couldn't he see it hurt you?

Sorcerer’s eyes frantically looked around, hoping to find that damned sling ring which had fallen out of his pocket after the building you were in blew up and was probably buried under some rocks now. He knew he wouldn’t be able to find it, but he still tried, not daring to move his hands away from your injury and just scanning the area in hope it would  be there. Somewhere.

“I-I know, I-” Stephen stuttered, fighting the uncomfortable tightness in his throat, but  no matter how many deep breaths he took it just wouldn’t go away. “We have to get you to the hospital, just-” the sorcerer swallowed heavily as your blood covered his shaking fingers more and more. He couldn’t look at it. Blood had never bothered him before, but this… this was your blood. It felt wrong. “Just stay awake, okay? Wong!!!” Your friend desperately cried for help, knowing you didn’t have much time left. You needed medical help and you needed it NOW.

“I can’t.” You mumbled, feeling more sleepy with every passing second, not really understanding why Stephen insisted on staying awake so badly. It was getting harder and harder to keep your eyes open. 

You couldn’t see the tears streaming down Stephen’s face and maybe it was for the better. You surely wouldn’t want the last thing you ever saw to be your friend sobbing and begging whatever gods were listening to him to save you. Because he couldn’t. Stephen Vincent Strange built his entire life on saving people and he knew he couldn’t save you. And it hurt. It hurt him so much he refused to believe it. Because what was the point in being the guardian of reality if he couldn’t help the person he cared for the most?

"No... No! Come on, I can't lose you!" The sorcerer shouted when your eyes stayed closed for a little bit longer than they were supposed to.

“Why?” You asked- your voice was so weak Stephen could barely hear you. It was almost comical- the contrast between you and Stephen. He has always been the calm one no matter the circumstances while you were constantly worried about everything. Oh how the tables have turned now. And the man absolutely hated this irony. 

Your head was spinning and it almost felt like when you were astral projecting for the very first time. It was as if all your thoughts moved to the very end of your brain and threatened to jump off the edge at any moment. You squeezed your friend’s hands, hoping that if you could hold that grip for just a few more minutes your soul wouldn’t  completely leave your body and hoped that the sorcerer wouldn't let it go. Because as long as Stephen held you, you were safe. Because you believed that the great Stephen Strange would always protect you. Saving people was his thing. He was good at it. He promised to protect you at all costs.

Your hands were wet for some reason. It was quite uncomfortable.

“Because I love you.” The sorcerer sobbed, hoping that those words would magically heal you. That you would say it back with that gorgeous smile of yours and you two could live your happily ever after in the sanctum with a cat and two dogs. Why did people always wait till the worst possible moment to confess their feelings? Why did it take you literally bleeding out in his arms for Stephen to say it? Would it change anything if he said it earlier? If he confessed to you that  night after your birthday party while the two of you ate leftover take out, sitting on the kitchen counter and talking about your shared love for music, would that change anything? “WONG! ANYONE!!! Goddamnit!” Your friend screamed on top of his lungs, slowly losing all hope. It wasn’t a movie where a simple ‘I love you’ could solve all the problems and give you a satisfying epilogue. It wasn’t a movie where someone heroically steps in and saves the day. So far most of the time that someone has been  Doctor Stephen Vincent Strange. But now he was hopeless. He was useless. “I love you, okay? So just keep your eyes open. Please.” 

But you couldn’t answer him. Your soul was slowly falling- all you could feel was emptiness as your hands desperately held onto an invisible string connecting your physical and astral body. It became thinner and thinner as you were falling into the abyss of nothingness.

And nothing that Stephen said could change that no matter how badly you both wanted it.

Chapter Text

“The next 24 hours are critical.”

That’s what the doctor said to Stephen and Wong at the hospital. The sorcerer supreme knew what it meant- he used to be a doctor himself after all. It was a professional way of saying “Prepare for the worst, pray for the best.” And considering your physical state Stephen was pretty sure he should wash his black suit soon. But so far he hadn't even dared opening his closet, not wanting to see that piece of clothing at the moment. And to be completely honest, Stephen hasn’t even stepped a foot into the sanctum so the suit was the last thing he should be worried about. He couldn’t leave your side. Not ever again. The man didn’t want  to be in that place if you weren’t there with him.

It’s been 36 hours since they brought you to the hospital, 15 hours since you came out of the surgery.  Stephen hadn't slept. Not even a nap. He barely ate, too- he was too nervous to do anything at all. He was just sitting on one of the uncomfortable hospital chairs next to your bed and waited. That's all he could do now.

"Go back to the sanctum, Strange." Wong spoke as he sat down next to his colleague and put a bag of some take out on the floor. "Just for a moment to maybe change your clothes- you still have blood on them." He suggested with his gentle voice. He felt bad for Stephen and couldn’t imagine how his fellow sorcerer must have felt at that moment. The ex- surgeon has always been rather weary of showing his emotions to anyone and Wong will never be able to erase the picture of Stephen Strange sobbing over your unconscious body. It took the librarian 3 hours to calm him down once they got you to the hospital. 3 hours of Stephen crying in Wong’s arms and waiting for a miracle to happen. The librarian still had the image of Stephen looking down at your unconscious body in his head. He had seen all the hope leaving his friend’s eyes, but he knew that Stephen wouldn’t give up- especially on you. Even if it was too late. Wong has never seen him like that. It was heartbreaking.

“I bought us some food.” the librarian continued. “It’s from that place down the street you really like.”

“I’m not hungry.”  Stephen mumbled, fighting to not fall asleep with all the energy he got left- which wasn’t a lot. He appreciated Wong’s willingness to take care of him when he clearly had no desire to do so himself, but he deserved it. Stephen knew he deserved to feel everything he was feeling right now- from hunger and exhaustion to heartbreak and helplessness. He felt that way very often and this situation didn’t help him fight those thoughts. On the contrary. It only made Stephen realise how irrelevant he was. He couldn’t fix his hands, he couldn’t help you and now he couldn’t do anything else, but wait. Wait for the nurse to check up on you and tell him and Wong something that was supposed to make them feel better. And then wait for you to wake up. That’s all Stephen wanted  right now. For you to just… wake up. Maybe you would crack a joke about your current state or cry your eyes out. Anything as long as you’re awake and well.

“I will feed you like a child if I have to.” Wong said, handing Stephen one of the paper boxes with a threatening look in his eyes. 

The sorcerer took it with his shaking hands as his stomach sang an ode to fries and kebab mix, knowing it would finally get some food after Strange neglected it for so long.

“Thank you, Wong.” The sorcerer spoke- his voice shaking almost as much as his hands did. Stephen wasn’t exactly sure what he was thankful for. There were many things he should be thanking Wong for- making tea every Sunday, letting him keep a book a little bit longer than he was supposed to, saving you from dying on the cold pavement, making sure Stephen didn’t go crazy in the last 36 hours- the list could go on and on. “Thank you.” Strange whispered as another tear ran down his face. The sorcerer was amazed that he was still able to cry after sobbing for literal hours before. He felt a light pat on his arm and leaned down to put his head on Wong’s shoulder. Maybe it was the exhaustion or maybe the sorcerer supreme just wanted his friend to know how grateful he was. He rarely told his friends how much they mean to him. He should really change that.

“It’s gonna be okay.” Wong whispered, his free arm embracing Stephen and holding him tightly. The man cared for Stephen and you deeply even though he didn’t show it that often. That’s why seeing one of his friends on a hospital bed and the other one having another  breakdown caused him great sadness. If he got to you earlier maybe the three of you wouldn’t be in this situation. But Wong- unlike Stephen-  knew he couldn’t actually change anything no matter how badly he wanted to. He didn't have the ability to see the future, nor was he allowed to go back in time and prevent you from getting hurt in the first place. 

But Stephen? Stephen loved tormenting himself. This man was a walking ‘what if’. He was never enough in his own eyes and there was always something he could have done better. It was his own self destruction- overthinking things he couldn’t change. Like now, sitting on a chair in this tiny hospital room and punishing himself in every way possible because of something he wasn't even guilty of. 

Stephen closed his eyes, thinking that when he opened them it would all disappear. It hasn't worked in the last 36 hours, but maybe this time would be different. Maybe this time when Stephen opened his eyes you would, too. 

“See? You look much better now!” Wong said, gesturing at Stephen’s clothes he brought him while the sorcerer was taking a nap. It was a miracle that he even fell asleep so the librarian put him into a somewhat comfortable position on his chair and put a spell on him to make sure he got some rest. He wasn’t gonna tell Stephen that though. 

“You think?” The doctor asked and gave his friend a twirl, doing that little ballet bow at the end, making the librarian smile for the first time in 2 days. Normally Strange would celebrate it and mark this day in his calendar as "I made Wong smile" day. He has done that before. His colleague found it amusing, but he wasn’t gonna say it at loud. It seemed that a bit of humour came back to Stephen as he got his 5 hours. The clothes Wong gave him were just his usual ‘it’s time to clean up the storage room’ attire consisting of simple black sweatpants, an old grey NASA t-shirt and his burgundy zip up hoodie. 

You told Stephen on numerous occasions how much you liked seeing him in casual clothing. It wasn’t rare to see the sorcerer like that, but you never missed an opportunity to mention how good he looked in a simple hoodie. That was one of the reasons Stephen decided to wear those things instead of his robes more often. It was just more comfortable and you liking how he looked was just a bonus.

He smiled sadly at the memory of you seeing him in this exact outfit for the first time- the disbelief and excitement on your face was something that will forever stay in his memory. 

“I also got us some coffee.” Wong added, pointing at two disposable cups from Starbucks in his left hand. “We should go get some fresh air.” The sorcerer suggested, hoping he wouldn’t have to physically fight Stephen to leave the hospital for a moment and step outside. And this time the ancient gods listened to his silent prayer because Stephen only nodded in agreement and made his way to the glass door leading to the small park right next to the hospital’s parking lot. Not many words were spoken between them as they sat down at one of the free benches and sipped their beverages until Wong decided to speak again. “How are you feeling?” 

Stephen laughed at the question, not really knowing how to answer it. “I feel like shit.” He said and took another sip. Swallowing heavily, the sorcerer looked around and observed the people around him to distract himself from thinking about you. But he couldn’t just stop thinking about you when everything reminded him of you. Stephen wasn’t a fan of cliche  romance things like ‘everything reminds me of you because I love you’ and it was so ironic how he couldn’t stop seeing you in every passing person. “I should probably buy flowers.” The sorcerer announced, playing with the lid of his cup. “That’s what people do, isn’t it? Buy flowers to show that they care?”

“I think it’s a good idea.” Wong said, leaning further into the bench and stretching his tired legs. “It will be a nice surprise when they wake up.”

“Yeah….” 

“They will wake up, Stephen.” 

"Yeah."

Stephen has brought you a single flower every time he came to visit you which was very often. After the first week you already had a little bouquet on your table and it just kept growing as the time passed. After the second week Stephen found a way to enchant the flowers so that they would still be alive once you wake up.

Because the sorcerer wasn’t your family he had to respect the visiting hours which he wasn’t thrilled about. If it was up to him he would live in your room and never get out. He always stayed for hours, not wanting to waste a second of the time he could be around you. The ex surgeon even started bringing books with him to read and study- Wong didn’t like that, but decided to pretend that he didn’t know that Stephen was taking the books with him. Strange memorised your doctor’s schedule and became quite good friends with the nurses who invited him to hang out with them many times, which he did after the visiting hours and the break between them. Those people made the hospital a little more bearable. And they always had the best gossip which Stephen always told you later.

He talked to you a lot. About the gossip he heard from the nurses, how he accidently messed up his laundry and now all of his socks were pastel green for some reason, or how much he missed you. He tried to stop saying that last part because every time he did he ended up crying. 

“Wong made me clean the fridge in the basement after some magic goo spilled from the jar- which wasn’t my fault by the way-” The sorcerer explained as he munched on the salad he made before going out. The bags under his eyes were very prominent, but they definitely looked better than three weeks ago. You looked better, too. Your face looked more alive with every passing day which was a good sign. “-and now I have to find a way to wash my sweater you got me for my birthday because no detergent works!” He sighed and put his legs on the edge of your bed to get more comfortable in his chair. “I really like that sweater.”

He missed your voice. He really did. 

The silence in the room was slowly killing Stephen who already felt dead on the inside. The last three weeks have been….hard for the sorcerer. He was neglecting himself to the point Wong had to physically drag him to the kitchen and give him some food. Stephen didn’t shave, not having the energy to do that. Although he did cut his hair before he went to visit you today. It was a big accomplishment even though it didn’t seem like one. He imagined you, screaming at him to take care of himself which helped him pull himself out of the misery. It was funny how you were the main reason Stephen was still trying to take care of himself even though you weren't there to lovingly yell at him.

“We really miss you.” Stephen whispered and stood up leaving the unfinished salad on the table right next to your flowers. The sorcerer kneeled beside you and took your left hand in his, interlocking your fingers together. He had done it countless times during those three weeks, but it never failed to make his face a little bit warmer. “I really miss you.” He confessed, gently kissing your knuckles.

The sorcerer put his head on your bed, laying on his cheek as he looked at your intertwined hands- his scared thumb drawing random shapes on your skin. “I love you.” his shaky voice whispered into the empty air before Stephen closed his eyes to stop the tears from staining the white hospital sheets. Maybe when he opened them this time you would, too. 

Time was a peculiar thing. Most people knew that time is linear and cannot be changed, but you belonged to a special group who could prove that statement wrong. One of your best friends was in charge of protecting a magical stone that had the ability to manipulate time and even though you had never seen him use it you were still aware of the power this little rock possessed. The possibilities were endless- time loops, rewinds, seeing the future. There was still a lot you had to learn about time.

Growing up was another phenomenon your brain couldn’t fully comprehend. One day you just woke up- still as a toddler- suddenly aware of your own existence, but couldn’t remember the last 4 years of your life. It was a blink of an eye for you even though everyone around you knew it was 4 years. It was obvious that kids didn’t have a great perception of time, but how could someone not know the difference between an hour and 12 days?

And then there was sleep. How did that even work?!?! You laid in your bed for 8 hours, but it never felt like 8 hours. It didn’t even feel like a minute! And in this specific scenario it definitely didn’t feel like three weeks had passed. It was just impossible. Stephen explained to you once how sleeping worked and how there are different phases, but it still was weird to you that so much time could be spent without you noticing. The most bizarre thing of it all were the dreams. One minute in a dream could be two hours in real life and that seriously messed with your head.

Like right now. You’ve been staring into Stephen’s eyes for only five seconds in your dream, not even realising a whole week had passed.You weren't even aware that this wasn’t real. It was just a product of your imagination. And it felt so real. 

 Another day slipped away when the sorcerer took your hand in his, inviting you to dance with him in the empty sanctum. You don’t even know why, but at some point you ended up in the kitchen even though you could have sworn you were just in the library a second ago. People didn’t usually question what was happening in their dreams. It was only after they woke up they slowly realised how strange it all had been. 

 By the time he kissed you, you already marked your 3rd week in the hospital.

And no matter how beautiful your dream was and how happy you felt, something was still… off. You felt an invisible force pushing you away from Stephen, but you fought hard to stay in this moment. It was too perfect to lose it. You were convinced that something sinister was waiting for you behind the door that this invisible line was trying to pull you through so you clinged to the sorcerer for dear life, knowing he would always protect you. He has said so himself. And you chose to believe him. 

You tried to ignore the voices coming from behind that door, but they were only getting louder and louder with every passing moment. There was one voice in particular that made you stop in your tracks. 

“I brought you daisies because I know how much you like them.”

“This rose smelled really good and I thought you would love it.”

“-and then he just went to Kamar-taj, leaving me with all that mess! Can you believe that?”

The voice sounded so familiar, but you couldn’t figure out who it was. You could have sworn you heard it before. 

Your curiosity got the best of you and before you knew it your ear was already pressed to the old wooden door.

“We really miss you.”

You were torn. Should you give in and see who it was or stay here and mind your own business? Putting your hand on the handle, you glanced behind you to look at Stephen who suddenly was nowhere to be seen. Now that you were thinking of it, you couldn’t remember when this piece of wood with a lock appeared in the kitchen. Or whatever this room was. You could feel your heart beating faster, threatening to burst out of your ribcage. You hated this feeling. 

The door opened by itself before you could make the final decision, engulfing you in  bright, blue light- very similar to the colour of Stephen’s eyes. You felt calmer when you made that connection. 

And then the light disappeared.

“I love you.”

The first thing you noticed after waking up was the smell- you could feel how sterile the air was which immediately made you think of a hospital. Man, you hated that smell. It was irritating your nostrils and caused you anxiety for some reason. Maybe it was because you didn’t have the best memories with hospitals and because you associated the scent of anti bacterial gel with physical pain. But that didn’t really matter right now. 

You flinched when you opened your eyes and met with the white light coming from the lamp, hanging right over your head. Taking a deep breath, you noticed the dryness inside your mouth which was one of the most uncomfortable things you had ever experienced- you were once covered in some interdimensional goo and even that was better than whatever you were feeling now. Then there was the thing with your muscles. Gosh, you felt like a good stretch would save your life, but you could barely move. It was as if you were sleeping for ages! Little did you know that it was technically true. 

You looked around and realised that you were in fact in a hospital. And there was someone else, laying on your bed, almost falling off the edge of the tiny mattress, clearly meant to fit only one person.

“Stephen?” You whispered, not being able to speak at regular volume because of the oxygen mask on your face which you literally just noticed. Looking down at his face you knew he was sleeping- another thing you noticed was your left hand which your friend was holding tightly in his. You didn’t want to disturb him since he clearly needed this rest. Even you could tell he probably didn’t get much sleep in the last few days- the exhaustion was visible on his face and you believed there was a little bit more grey in his hair. 

Careful not to mess with any of the cables connected to your body you moved your free hand to lay on Stephen’s head. The sorcerer signed and his face relaxed when your fingers gently scratched his scalp.

Your memories were still a blur and you couldn’t remember anything after the explosion which was the reason you ended up in the hospital. You should probably inform a nurse that you have woken up, but you couldn’t get your eyes off Stephen. He just looked so peaceful like that. You paused your little scratching session to take the oxygen mask off and put it on the little table beside next to that computer thingy. You had no idea how it was called, but that information didn’t seem important to you. And you could always ask Stephen if you felt the need to feed your curiosity. Speaking of Stephen.

The man squeezed your hand harder, squirming on his side of the bed to get more comfortable. He was going to wake up soon and you had no idea what you should do. Considering the size of that bouquet standing on your table you could tell you were in a pretty bad condition when they brought you here. People have the tendency to buy gifts that are adequate to the situation so in this case: closer to death= more flowers. But you could be wrong. Maybe Stephen and Wong just wanted you to have a little gift when you opened your eyes.

Your fingers combed through the sorcerer’s dark hair as the memories of your little accident slowly came back. To be honest, you couldn’t tell which parts were made up and what really happened, but there was one thing you were sure of- you loved Stephen Strange. 

You have for the longest time and it was stupid that you had to almost die to finaly accept that. It wasn’t that you didn’t want to be in love with him. On the contrary. But loving Stephen wasn’t easy. He often pushed people away, saying that he preferred to be alone. You knew it was a lie. And you weren’t even sure if he felt the same way about you.

Little did you know that Stephen had his confession planned. He planned everything- as soon as they let you go home he would make dinner for you and take you for a walk in the moonlight because he knew how much you loved the moon. And then he would tell you how much he loved you again, knowing you wouldn’t die on him this time. The sorcerer assumed you wouldn’t remember much since you could barely stay awake as you were bleeding out. Stephen desperately tried to erase that moment from his memory. Plus, you deserved better. You deserved to have someone tell you how much they love you during a dinner in candle light- not when you were literally dying. 

And this time when Stephen opened his eyes, yours were already looking at him. The sorcerer froze, completely forgetting about his little plan. He felt your hand, playing with his hair. The two of you just stared at each other before you managed to get out a raspy “Hi.” 

Stephen jumped off the bed as if something struck him and frantically looked around. “You need some water. I- Hi. You’re- God-” your friend took a plastic cup in his shaking hands and poured some water, almost tripping as he walked back to your bed. He helped you sit up, putting one of his hands behind your back and holding the cup with the other.

You smiled, trying to tell him you’re alright. You took the cup and signed, relieved once you finally got some water into your mouth. Was that how the desert plants felt when it rained? The liquid quickly disappeared and Stephen refiled it with the speed of light. You ended up chugging 3 more cups before you gestured to Stephen with your hand that it was enough for now.

“Are-are you okay?” The sorcerer stuttered, looking at you in disbelief, not daring to breathe in case the smallest movement would make you disappear.  

You nodded, not fully trusting your own voice yet. Stephen stared at you with his gorgeous blue eyes and you could see something different in them. People say that your eyes mirror the soul and you wholeheartedly believed that. And his soul just got his love back. It was as if the meaning of his life woke up when you did. 

The sorcerer sat down on your bed and threw his arms around your body, embracing you tightly. Stephen hid his face in the crook of your neck, fighting a sob, but his resolve broke when you placed a soft kiss on his forehead and hugged him back.

“I’m sorry-” your friend cried. “I’m so sorry.” 

“Stephen, hey,” You whispered, drawing random shapes on his back. “You did nothing wrong. I’m okay now.” 

Your friend pulled away to look at your face, just to make sure everything was alright. His right hand wandered up your body to gently rest on your cheek. The sorcerer’s thumb slowly moved to the corner of your lips and caressed the spot with soft circular motions. You sighed, closing your eyes and leaning into the warmth of Stephen’s palm. 

“We missed you.” He said as his left hand mirrored the right one, cupping your entire face. The sorcerer leaned in and kissed your forehead- his lips stayed on your skin for a few seconds before your eyes locked again. “I missed you.”

Those words seemed to unlock the river of memories- from the aftermath of the explosion to everything Stephen had said when you were asleep. Everything hit you at once and it overwhelmed you in the best way possible. Your fists closed around Stephen’s wrists for more stability as your lips connected with his. You always imagined your first kiss differently, thinking there would be fireworks and butterflies, but this was much better. Stephen didn’t waste any time and poked at your lips with his tongue, asking to deepen the kiss. You could feel your souls connecting when the sorcerer moaned silently into your mouth- relieved that you were here. 

“I love you.” You said as the two of you pulled away to get some air. Your faces were still so close you could feel your upper lip touching his when you spoke. “I love you.” You repeated between the kisses.

Stephen laughed- for the first time in almost a month- and showered your face in kisses, repeating the exact same words over and over like a broken record. His great plan went to waste, but having you was a blessing that Stephen would never take for granted. You were here and that’s all he had ever wanted.