Chapter Text
“Hey,” Bobbie said softly as she entered the too familiar quarters. Chrisjen must have been somewhere far off into her thoughts, because she startled, nearly dropping the tumbler of whiskey she held in her hand. She had shed the thick coat and was just in a white jumpsuit now. It vaguely reminded Bobbie of the flight suit she had worn on the Roci years ago. Sometimes it seemed like only yesterday and sometimes it felt like it had been decades.
“What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be out celebrating?” It had seemed wrong to be there without Chrisjen. While she may not have been involved in the battles, Chrisjen had been just as important to ending this war as anyone on the Roci, maybe even more. She was always the one who saw the bigger picture better than any of them.
Bobbie had been so angry when she learned Chrisjen hadn’t been in the safer part of the ship, but in the CIC and relieved when she learned she was alright. If the battle had gone wrong, if the Pella had been in the group the Zenobia had been fighting, it could have gone wrong, she could have lost Chrisjen in the heat of the battle. And she wasn’t not supposed to die like that. But she had been there, alongside all the soldiers, in the battle, being a part of the end of this war as much as she could.
“So should you.” Chrisjen smiled and raised her glass.
“I am, in my own way. I’m too old for all the shit you young people do. Besides, the war is over, now my real work begins. I’ve got a planet waiting for me to feed it, to rebuild it.” She had resorted to taking drugs to end this war and yet she didn’t see it as real work. That was the most Chrisjen thing Bobbie had ever heard. At least she had some good prospects with the information that Amos’ guy had sent. If anyone could rebuild Earth, could save the planet from dying, it was Chrisjen. Maybe because this was building and not fighting, it wouldn’t cost Chrisjen quite as much.
She looked tired even now, underneath the layers of makeup. The last few days, the negotiations, the preparations to go back home, they hadn’t been easy on her. The fact that she had quit the stims probably hadn’t helped. The dose hadn’t been high enough to trigger a full withdrawal, but the night they had spent together, Chrisjen had been restless, unable to sleep. And now her mind was already back on Earth, thinking about the next twenty steps.
“It never stops, does it?” Bobbie hadn’t meant for it to sound so sad, but it did. Chrisjen’s smile disappeared and she shrugged, before downing her whiskey.
“Not for me. As for you- ” Bobbie frowned as Chrisjen made her way to one of the drawers. What about her? She was going on the Roci. Chrisjen knew that. She watched as Chrisjen pulled out something folded and spun around. “You’re fired. Congratulations on your new job.”
Bobbie picked up the fabric, a jacket, with her name on the label. And the name Rocinante emblazoned on the chest. Her own uniform, to be part of the crew that had had her back, the crew that helped save the system. And Chrisjen was giving it to her as if she were giving her blessing to fly off and do what she whatever she wanted to do. “I- Thank you.”
“You belong as much on a planet as I belong among the stars. But, if you’re ever near Earth or Luna, there is always a place for you. Might even be a place for your crew.” Bobbie stared at the jacket until her sight became blurry with unshed tears. Of course, she’d visit whenever they would get near Earth, but somehow, seeing this jacket, hearing Chrisjen recognize that they weren’t meant to walk the same path. It got to her. It felt like a goodbye, and she wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet.
She dropped the jacket on the nearest flat surface and reached for Chrisjen, pulling her into a tight hug. It was clear Chrisjen was surprised by the move, freezing for a moment before she relaxed into it, wrapping her arms around Bobbie’s waist and pressing her face against her shoulder. Bobbie could smell her perfume, her shampoo. Chrisjen tightened her arms and Bobbie found herself doing the same, unwilling to let her go, maybe ever. She was larger than life, but right now, when she felt so small in her arms, Bobbie wanted nothing more than be able to protect her for the rest of her life. She knew she couldn’t, but she wanted to.
“I love you,” Bobbie whispered against her hair. They didn’t say it often. Hell, she could count on one hand the times she had told Chrisjen she loved her. A lot of their feelings were unspoken, but no less true. She still remembered when Chrisjen had first said to her, right after she had sent Bobbie off with Alex. It had been so quick in a message that Bobbie had replayed to make sure she heard it right. But it had been there for to replay a thousand times. ‘I love and adore you.’
Chrisjen pulled back a little to look up at her, the low lighting reflecting in her eyes. For a moment she looked like she had the entire universe there. “I love you too.”
Nobody outside of family had ever said those words to her. Bobbie had never looked for someone who would say that and mean it, but Chrisjen had crashed into her life, the most unlikely person, and somehow this had happened. And Bobbie didn’t mind it one bit, she just wished that they were meant to be together in one spot, whether that was a planet or in space, but just together, but sadly, it didn’t seem like that was going to happen, not any time soon.
She leaned down and captured Chrisjen’s lips in a soft kiss. She had only meant for it to be brief, but as she soon as she kissed her, she didn’t want to stop. Pulling Chrisjen even closer, she deepened their kiss, tasting the whiskey on her tongue. Chrisjen gave as good as she got, clinging to Bobbie’s back, kissing her like this was going to be last time. It was going to be, Bobbie would make sure of that, but that’s what it felt like.
Bobbie wished they had had more than stolen moments like this. They deserved more than just moments. They deserved a lifetime.
The pressure of Chrisjen’s hands on her back, the way her tongue moved over her bottom lip before she nipped at it, it just made Bobbie hope she would never forget this. Surrounded by nothing but the hum of the engine, it was their own moment of peace and quiet. Regretfully, she pulled back from the kissed and let her forehead touch Chrisjen’s. Fuck the party, she was going to stay here. Their last night together for a long while.
“I’m going to miss you.”
“Marry me.”
They spoke at the same time, but it was immediately followed by a deadly silence. Bobbie couldn’t breathe. It had been a complete spur of the moment thing. She hadn’t even realized what she had said until it was out, but once it was, she realized she meant it. Chrisjen just looked shocked, her eyes wide, lips parted like whatever she was going to say was stuck on her tongue. She took a step back, out of Bobbie’s arms, her hands raised. Well, at least she could claim she was one of the few people who had shocked Chrisjen Avasarala into silence.
“What did you just say?” There was complete and total confusion in her voice. It probably didn’t help that Bobbie was a little confused herself. She had never had a desire to marry. Her focus in life had been to serve Mars and when that disappeared she had worked for Chrisjen, worked to save the Sol system, mostly from itself. Nowhere in her plans had there been a ‘fall in love, get married’ part, ever. She certainly didn’t think she would ever be the one to pop the question, as it were. Especially not so unprepared to a person who was currently looking at her if she had lost her mind.
It was entirely possible that she had, because now that she had had a few seconds, Bobbie didn’t hate the idea, at all. In fact, she rather liked it. She already knew that no matter what, she would always love Chrisjen. And getting married, well, then no matter where she went, no matter how far away or how long it would take to see her, Chrisjen would be her wife. They’d have a connection, an official one for the rest of their lives.
“Marry me. I asked if you will marry me.” Chrisjen’s eyebrows practically disappeared into her hairline. As if she had been thinking that somehow she’d misheard what Bobbie asked her or maybe she had been hoping for it. The topic of marriage had, obviously, never been discussed by either of them, except when talking about Arjun. Bobbie didn’t have a clue whether or not Chrisjen even wanted to step into another, albeit unconventional, marriage, so soon after losing Arjun. Bobbie had barely known him, but she was pretty sure he would find this situation quite funny.
“Why the fuck would you ask me that?” That wasn’t a no. It definitely wasn’t a yes, but Chrisjen hadn’t outright rejected her, so that was something. It was actually the tone with which Chrisjen had reacted that surprised her, not outraged, but actually shocked that she had asked her of all people. Like it was fully out of this realm that somebody, other than Arjun, could love her enough to want make that official. And okay, she wasn’t the easiest person to get along with, but they had been together, with extended breaks for years now. If she had wanted to get rid of her, she would have, which she briefly had done after that disastrous state dinner, but even then, they had gotten back together.
“Because I want to.” It really was a simple as that. It was the most impulsive thing she had ever done, but she did want it. She wanted her, preferably for as much time as possible. Chrisjen wasn’t convinced. She ran a hand through her hair and Bobbie knew she had never seen her quite so frazzled. Almost funny, how easily a few words had knocked her completely off balance.
“I’m going back to whatever home I have left. You’re leaving, doing missions for fuck knows how long. We might not see each other for years and you want to marry me?” She sounded so incredulous.
“Maybe Holden will make more pitstops on Luna if it’s a conjugal visit,” Bobbie said lightly with a shrug, hoping that maybe humor would ground Chrisjen some. It only succeeded in making Chrisjen frown.
“Did you sustain brain damage on the Ring station?”
“Yes, but they fixed that.” It had only been a little, okay, big concussion. But who hadn’t had a bruised brain? Hell, Chrisjen had bled into her brain and she was fine. Though maybe not right now, because she was looking at her as if she were crazy. Alright, a lighthearted way was not the right tactic. Bobbie took a deep breath and took Chrisjen’s hands in her own. “I’m serious. From the moment my team was attacked on Ganymede the only constant, the only certainty in my life has been you. It doesn’t matter if I see you daily or yearly, I want that connection to mean something more than a ‘maybe I’ll see you later’.”
Chrisjen deflated a little, the tension she had held in her shoulders disappearing. She looked at their joined hands. Bobbie was close to expecting her to throw their age difference in her face, which would be incredibly stupid, because that hadn’t made a difference until now. But she didn’t. Chrisjen’s voice was soft, the look in her eyes missing that disbelief that had been present when she spoke again. “It means more than that.”
Bobbie breathed a sigh of relief. That was the most important thing. At least they were both on the same page when it came to the two of them. She was sure Chrisjen could think of a million reasons why they shouldn’t do this, but to Bobbie this was all very simple. They loved each other, they belonged together, but something had decided that despite that, they weren’t actually meant to live together, not for a while anyway. So marriage, it made sense. They’d be together, even when they weren’t.
“Right, so marry me. Holden could do it right now, being a captain and all that. It could just be for us. For what we mean to each other.” In all the evolution, all the steps that humanity had gone through, they had somehow never revoked the law that a captain could marry people, which was kind of ideal. But Bobbie notices that something she had said, had triggered Chrisjen. She had heard something that she agreed with, that she liked, because the doubt, the vulnerability was gone.
“For us,” she echoed. What? Had she thought Bobbie wanted some grand ceremony for the entire system to see? Though Bobbie would be interested in seeing what the hell a woman like Chrisjen would wear at a lavish wedding ceremony (the amount of money she would spend on jewelry alone could most likely bankrupt a small country), she didn’t want a whole wedding. She wanted to be married. She’d be happy to do that right here or anywhere, really.
“Just for us,” Bobbie confirmed.
“Fuck it, yes, I’ll marry you, you absolutely ridiculous Martian.” Wait. What? Now Bobbie was wondering if she had heard Chrisjen right.
“You will?” Chrisjen granted her with a spectacular eyeroll, but there was a smile on her lips as she did. But the fear that had settled somewhere in the back of Bobbie’s head after she had asked Chrisjen to marry her, the fear that she would be rejected or worse, they’d completely break up, that fear had disappeared.
“You just pestered me into saying yes and now you’re doubting it? My answer is yes.”
“I needed to double check, can you blame me?” It didn’t matter. Bobbie was grinning so hard, her cheeks almost hurt. Chrisjen was going to marry her. They were going to get married. Holy shit. That would be an interesting one to tell her family and her friends. And Chrisjen would have to tell her family. Bobbie wished she could be a fly on the wall for that. How exactly did the leader of Earth tell her family she had married a Martian, forty years younger, in a spur of the moment decision?
But that was something she could tackle in the future. Right now Chrisjen had just said that she would marry her. What was the right reaction? Probably to kiss her, right? Bobbie pulled her closer just as Chrisjen stepped forward, reaching for her to pull her down into a kiss. Bobbie just caught the wide smile on her face, before she was thoroughly occupied with the woman in her arms. She wanted nothing more than to pick her up and carry her to her bunk and not let her leave until they were both completely worn, but Chrisjen stopped her with a hand on her chest, obviously aware of her train of thought.
“When you do leave on the Rocinante again?”
“Tomorrow.”
“Better try and find James then or it’ll be a very long engagement.” She could just call Holden and he’d probably pick up. But Bobbie had a feeling Chrisjen needed a moment to herself. And knowing her, she’d change her clothes too. And Bobbie was happy to try and find him in person, because trying to explain to him that he needed to perform a wedding and between whom, it was probably better she did in person. If only to see his reaction better.
“Yes, ma’am.” Chrisjen barely managed to stop an eyeroll. Though by now she really should be used to being called ‘ma’am’. Bobbie did it often enough, both in public and very private. It was practically a loving nickname now. She scooped up her Rocinante jacket. Strange how that had somehow triggered all of this.
“Bobbie…”
Bobbie just grinned as she pressed the button to open the door. “I will never stop calling you ‘ma’am’, so don’t try and get me to stop.” Chrisjen’s soft chuckle followed her out into the hallway.