Work Text:
Denki was on forced sick leave for the last week of january and first three weeks of february because he over fried his brain and broke his left arm and right leg, but the plus side is that his husband was also put on leave because their agency knew that Denki could not function on his own so they sent Hitoshi home as well.
“So I know you have been pretty sad lately so I thought I would do something extra special this year.” Hitoshi said as he was driving them home from the doctors because Denki was getting his castes off today, two weeks before valentines day.
“Well I haven’t been able to do anything on my own so yeah I was fucking sad, but anyways what did you have in mind?” Denki said as he rubbed his left forearm.
“Well how about this year for valentines day we rent a valentines themed cabin in the woods?” The purple haired man asked.
“Oooo that does sound like a good idea.” The yellow one said, Denki then pulled out his phone and went searching for some in the local area.
~One week later~
“Wake up love we’re here.” Was what Denki woke up to in the car with a kiss on the forehead from his husband.
“Oh, cool! Um can you help me out of the car though, my leg feels really weak right now.” Denki said with a blush blooming across his cheeks,
“No problem.” Shinso said as he picked Denki up from the car bridle style and carried him into the cabin. Hitoshi had already brought their luggage in from the car and got the keys and tour from the owner.
“Do you want me to put you on the couch or do you want to go have a nap?” Hitoshi asked.
“Um the couch unless you also want to go take a nap.” Was the response he got.
Hitoshi always wants to take a nap but he knows he won’t be able to so he makes his way to the couch and plops his husband onto it, he then goes and puts a fire into the fireplace. He then goes and sits on the couch next to Denki and turns the TV above the fireplace on as Denki cuddles up to him as they snuggle.
~Valentines day~
“Good morning and happy valentines day love” Denki said as he rolled over and into his husband's open arms from checking his phone.
“Good morning and happy valentines day to you too darling” Hitoshi says, his voice deeper and gravely-er than normal because he just woke up.
“How’s your leg and arm this morning?” Hitoshi asked.
“Good! I think they are really starting to heal now!” Denki answered.
“Good. So what do you want to do today?” Hitoshi asked.
“Well it is valentines day and we are alone in a secluded cabin where no one can hear us and thus won’t complain.” said the living battery with a smirk.
“You know what that means we can do right.” said the one with designer eye bags.
“Oh yeah, time to let out our inner theatre kid!” Denki yelled.
“What musical shall it be today, my love?” said Hitoshi.
“Well I was thinking Encanto or maybe Beetlejuice, what were you thinking?” said charge-bolt.
“Beetlejuice sounds fun and for Encanto we could just sing ‘We don’t talk about Bruno’” Said Mind-hacker.
“Sounds like a plan!” Said Denki.
They then got up and got dressed so they could go down stairs and start to let out their inner theater kids. Denki got out his speaker and phone and pulled up spotify.
“I think we should start with Encanto, is that good with you?” denki asked.
“Yep” came Hitoshi’s reply.
“We don’t talk about Bruno, no, no, no
We don’t talk about Bruno, But, it was my wedding day (it was our wedding day)
We were getting ready and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky (no clouds allowed in the sky)
Bruno walks in with a mischievous grin (THUNDER)
You telling this story or am I?
I’m sorry, mi vida, go on~
Bruno says, “It looks like rain” (why did he tell us?)
In doing so he floods my brain (Abuela, get the umbrellas)
Married in a hurricane (what a joyous day! But anyways)
We don’t talk about Bruno, no, no,no
We don’t talk about Bruno
Hey, grew to live in fear of Bruno stuttering or stumbling
I can always her him muttering and mumbling
I associate him with the sound of falling sand (ch, ch, ch)
It’s a heavy lift with a gift so humbling
Always left Abuela and the fumbling
Grappling with prophecies they couldn’t understand
Do you understand?
Seven-foot frame, rats along his back
When he calls your name it all fades to black
Yeah, he sees your dreams and feasts on your screams (hey)
We don’t talk about Bruno, no, no,no
We don’t talk about Bruno
He told me my fish would die, the next day, Dead!(no, no)
He told me I’d grow a gut and just like he said (no, no)
He said that all my hair would disappear, Now look at my head (no, no)
Your fate is sealed when your prophecy is read
He told me that the life of my dreams would be promised and someday be mine
He told me that my power would grow, like the grapes that thrive on the vine (òye, Mariano’s on his way)
He told me that the man of my dreams
Would be just out of reach
Betrothed to another
It’s like I hear him, now
Hey sis, I want not a sound out of you
Um, Bruno
Yeah, about that Bruno
I really need to know about Bruno
Gimme the truth and the whole truth Bruno
(Isabell, your boyfriend is here)
Time for dinner!
Seven-foot frame, rats along his back
When he calls your name it all fades to black
Yeah, he sees your dreams and feasts on your screams
You telling this story or am I?
I’m sorry, mi vida, go on~
Bruno says, “It looks like rain” (why did he tell us?)
In doing so he floods my brain (Abuela, get the umbrellas)
Married in a hurricane, he’s here
Don’t talk about Bruno, No (why did I talk about Bruno?)
Not a word about Bruno
I never should’ve brought up Bruno!”
“That was so fun and good!” Denki jumped up and down.
“Hey if this hero thing doesn’t work out, we at least have a chance at the theater” Hitoshi said, smiling at his husband's silly behavior.
“Ok, should we start at the very beginning of the album or the second song?”
“Second song, it’s less depressing.”
“Ok”
“Hey, folks! Begging your pardon
‘Scuse me, sorry to barge in
Now let’s skip the tears and start on the whole
Y’know
Being dead thing
You're doomed! Enjoy the singing
The sword of Damocles is swinging
And if I hear your cell-phone ringing
I’ll kill you myself
The whole being dead thing
Death can get a person stressed
‘We should have carpe’d way more diems
Now we’re never gonna see ‘em’
I can show you what comes next
So don’t be freaked
Stay in your seats
I do this bullshit, like, eight times a week
So just relax, you’ll be fine
Drink your fifty-dollar wine
And take a breath
Welcome to a show about death
You’re
You’re gonna be fine
On the other side~
DIE! YOU’RE ALL GONNA DIE! YOU’RE ALL GONNA DIE!
I’ll…
I’ll be your guide
To the other side
Though in full disclosure: It’s a show about death
Everybody gets on fine here
Like Rodgers, Hart, and Hammerstein here
The women’s bathroom has no line here
Just, pee where you want
The whole being dead thing
You’re just gonna love the folks here
Yeah, I know you’re woke, but you can take a joke here
And every show I do, like, a ton of coke here
The whole-(sssnnoorrttt)
The whole being dead thing!
Nobody is bullet-proof
“I work out”
“I eat clean!”
Jesus, pass the Dramamine
Time to face the brutal truth
“Cause we’re all on a hit-list
Might not live ‘till Christmas
Choke to death on Triscuits
Hey, that’s just statistics
So take a little break here
Kinda like a wake here
The scenery is fake here
BUT THERE’S A GIANT SNAKE HERE
(Welcome to a show about death)
You’re… you’re gonna be fine~
THANK YOU!
On the other side~
How you doin’?
Oh not good
Dattebadabap
I’ll.. I’ll be your guide
To the other side
Seriously, though, this is a show about death
(Death is taboo, but it’s hardly some new
There’s nothing medical professionals can do
‘Cept maybe just bill you)
If you die while listening to this album
It’s still gonna keep playing
(there’s no destiny or fate
Just a terrifying wait
Filled with people that you hate
And on a certain date, the universe kills you)
That’s the thing with life
No-one makes it out alive~
Toss that body in the pit
“Gosh, it’s awful, ain’t it tragic?”
“Blah, blah, bible, jesus magic.”
When you’re dead, who gives a shit?~
“No pilates”
“No more yoga”
“Namaste”, you freakin’ posers
From the cradle to cremation
Death just needs a little conversation~
I have mastered the art (Dies Irae!!)
Of tearing convention apart (Dies Irae!!)
So, how about we make a start (Dies Irae!)
On the whole being dead thing~
God, I hope you’re ready for a show about death!”
“Look at this crib
In all of its glorious antiquary
Every curve and surface speaks to me
Saying ‘paper and spoil me, sand me and oil me’
Come on
I know to the untrained eye it’s boring
But nothing’s a chore when you’re restoring
Apart from frustration, pain, and financial drain
It’s fun!
Folks say Adam
Why do you polish your crib when you don’t have a kid?
And even if you did have a kid
This crib is too precious for placing a baby inside it
So it only exists to remind you
Your sense of prediction is just a reflection that
You are not mentally prepared to make room for a kid
Adam, why don’t you live?
Adam, just make a start~
Are you willing to take the next step?
Ready, set
Ready, set
Look at these jugs!
Amazingly glazed and terracotta-ery
I took some clay and made you pottery
The world will never wreck you
I’ll protect you in a mother’s embrace
Folks says, Barbara
Why can’t you see that ceramics is
Simply a manifestation of motherly panic
By making a baby that’s breakable
Aren’t you creating a way of translating the
Terror of making maternal mistakes into clay
Hiding away so you don’t have to face being a bad mom
Barbara
That’s what you’ve done, Barbara
Just make a start
Are you willing to take the next step?
Ready, set
Here we stand
At the end of a ten-year plan
A house, a yard, a minivan
A baby should be next
Together let’s leap off the cliff
Fall forever, then smash to bits
Trapped in a terrifying viper pit
Of diapers and regret
Are we will to take the next step?
Ready, set
Ready, set
Not yet
Not yet
Why rush?
Why rush?
Soon enough, our hopes and dreams will be crushed
But not yet!
Not yet!
Not now
Not now
Ooohh?
No!
See?
We can’t start a family in a house with creaky floorboards
You are absolutely right!
Let’s add it to the list with the cracks in the plaster
The wi-fi should be faster
This sofa needs a castor!
The bathroom’s a disaster!
What about global poverty?
What about world peace?
Then there’s the whole darn economy
The whole Middle East
We should learn Mandarin
Yeah!
Or Spanish at least
No habla español
Dos cervezas por favor
And that’s all we got
And that’s not a lot
Do we want a bilingual household or not?
So let’s go slow
No breaking a sweat
What’s the point of having children
If we’re drowning in debt?
Now we’re totally
Completely!
Maybe eighty present
I’d say seventy-eight
Ready to take
The next step(Yeah!Yeah!Yeah!Yeah!)
The next step(Zooby dooby dooby,dooby dop and bow!)
The next step(Zweeby, beeby, boo-bah-bah-dee!)
The next step
Ready, set let’s-Woah!
See I wasn’t kidding
It's a show about death!”
“Ready? Okay!
Hi! I’ll be your guide
I’ll be your G-U-I-D-E to the other side
Don’t go to the Netherworld-
‘Netherworld?!’
Did I say Netherworld? Never mind
I’m the B-to-the-double-E-J-F-U
And jesus, I can’t spell
(Hi! He’ll be your guide
He’ll be your G-U-I-D-E to the other side!)
Let’s all get naked!
‘NO!’
Eh, worth a try
I’m the I’m the B-to-the-double-E-T-LE to the J-U-I-C-E
‘What is happening?!’
I understand it’s a lot to process
But!
The good news is you and your spouse
Died in your own house
That gives you clout
That mean the two of you should stick around
Lucky for you I dropped by
Yeah, you seem like nice guys
A little on the Pottery Barn and dry white wine side
As for me, I’ve been scaring for millenia
I’m the bio-exorcist
Giving houses enemas
Push out all the breathers
So you can pray easerier
Just stick with me
I’m like a ghost-zombie Jesus
(Ghost-zombie Jesus!)
And I do it for the love of it
Money? Ah, who gives a shit?
I think we’re a perfect fit
Come on, let’s make-out a bit
Yeah!
Death!
It’s the perfect day to die
‘Cause this guy happened to be passing by
To give you control of your soul
For the whole “being dead” thing
The whole “being dead” thing!
Oh yeah!”
“Hey mom, dead mom
I need a little help here
I’m prob'ly talking to myself here
But dead mom, I gotta ask
Are you really in the ground?
‘Cause I feel you all around me
Are you here, dead mom?
Dead mom
Dead mom
I’m tired of trying to iron out my creases
I’m a bunch of broken pieces
It was you who made me whole
Every day dad’s staring at me
like all “Hurry up, get happy
Move along
Forget about your mom”
‘Cause daddy’s in denial
Daddy doesn’t wanna feel~
He wants me to smile
And clap like a performing seal~
Ignored it for a while
But daddy’s lost his mind for real~
You won’t believe the mess that we’ve become
You’re my home
My destination
And I’m your clone
Your strange creation
You held my hand
And life came easy
Now jokes don’t land
And no one sees me!
Nothing seems to fit
Mamma is this it?
Are you receiving?
I want something to believe in or I’m done
Take me where my soul can run~
Or I’ll be in my bedroom wake me when I’m twenty one~
Daddy’s moving forward
Daddy didn’t lose a mom~
Mama won’t you send a sign?
I’m running out of hope and time
A plague of mice, a lightning strike
Or drop a nuclear bomb
No more playing daddy’s game
I’ll go insane if things don’t change
whatever it takes to make him say your name
Dead mom”
“Okay
Listen up, I’m not gonna lie
Right now, you couldn’t frighten a fly
Or scare a seagull off of a fry
You ever stop to ask yourselves “why?”
Both of you are super polite
Middle class, suburban, and white
Well, all of that is finished tonight
Except for the white part
…Obviously
Take your places
I want scary faces
Now go!
Bigger, further, harder
Not bad
Sever a head
Preferably someone you know
‘Look at me, I’m so scary’
Don’t be so vanilla
Would a little anger kill ya?
C’mon, drop your panties
I’m trying to fill you
With wisdom and skill
And the instinct to kill
Again, we do not want to kill anyone!
Fine!
But somehow, someway
You gotta make ‘em see ya’
I’m talkin’ jumpscares!
The jerky Japanese ghost-walk!, plus:
Learn to throw your voice
Fool your friends
Fun at parties!
Now THAT is cool!
I wanna do that!
Whatever it takes to make ‘em go crazy
Raising the stakes by punching a baby
Scare ‘em awake till they break
They’ll be quaking in fright
‘Cause you’ve got some evil deep down inside you
Put all the farmer’s markets behind you
You’ve gotta work
Gotta haunt till it hurts
Through the night
And give those guys the fright of their lives
Yeah, yeah!
Let’s start with things that you hate
Well, hate’s a very strong word
Perhaps when people are late
Or getting pooped on by birds
No, what fills you with rage?
Being mean to a pet
Chefs who use too much sage when they make beurre noisette
Over-glutinous food
Or when kids call me “dude”
Oh, I find that so rude!
Well, there’s lots there to use
Take a deep breath
And give me your best primal scream
Aaaah!
Barbara, that was brilliant!
Really?!
Try it again
Maybe this time pretend like you mean it
AAAAAH!
That was even better!
Thanks!
I want freedom
But to get my freedom I need them
To get a living person to say my name
Betelgeuse,Betelgeuse,Betelgeuse?
I know that beggars can't be choosers~
But do they have to be such losers?
Both of them are deathly dull and lame
Betelgeuse,Betelgeuse,Betelgeuse
Why god/satan, did you send these bed wetters?
Even, like, a tax attorney would’ve been better
Somebody with gravitas
Somebody to fear who
Excuse me, Mr.Betelgeuse
We can kinda hear you
Yeah?
Well, that was a soliloquy, so you’re the one who’s being rude
Whatever it take to make ‘em go crazy
Turn all the lights on
Dress like a baby
adam , I don’t even- No
Get your heads in the game
Let’s hide their phones
Screw their phones!
Ugh, these dopes are both hopeless
How will I ever survive?
Unless they give the freight of their lives!
(We’re scary, very, very, scary!)
They’ll never get the fright of their lives (Yeah!)”
“You could use a buddy
Don’t you want a pal? (Yes I do!Yes I do!)
Girl, the way I see it
Your daddy should be leavin’
And you should stick around
And Kill 'im!
What?
Nothing
So, Lydia, don’t end yourself
Defend yourself
Daddy is one you should maim
Together we’ll exterminate, assassinate!
No!
The finer points can wait
But first you gotta say my name!
Go ahead and jump but that won’t stop him
Here you got a solid plan B option
I can bring your daddy so much pain
All you gotta do is say my name!
Girl, just say it three times in a row
Then you won’t believe how I’ll go~
I’m on the bench, but coach
Just put me in the game
All you gotta do is say name~
I don’t know your name
Well, I can’t say it
How ‘bout a game of charades?
Yes, let’s play it
Two words?
Right!
Second word?
Uh-huh!
Drink?
No
Beverage?
No
Wine?
No!
Juice?
Yes!
Okay
First word
Okay
Bug?
No
Ant?
Close, but no
Beetle
Yes!
Betelgeuse?
Wow, I’m impressed
And all you gotta do is say my name three times
Three times in a row it must be spoken, unbroken
Ready?
Yeah
Okay, go
Betelgeuse
Yes
Betelgeuse
Yes
Beeeeee~
Oh, oh, this is gonna be sooo good!
‘Cause
What?
You’re so smart
A stand-up bro
I’ll think about your offer
Let you know
But I prefer my chances down below
Betelgeuse
Yes
Betelgeuse
Yes
Being young and female doesn’t mean that I’m an easy mark
I’ve been swimming with piranhas
I don’t need a shark
Yes, life sucks but not that much
Okay, Betelgeuse
Betelgeuse
Be a doll and spare the lecture~
I’m offering you a full-time specter
Are you any good?
You bet’cha
Trust me, baby
I just met ya~
Really it’s a flattering offer
Don’t you wanna see dad suffer?
I think I’d rather just jump off
No!
I may be suicidal
But Betelgeuse, it’s not as if I’ve lost my mind
So, playing hardball, huh?
You are tougher than you look
Just wanna make sure I know who I’m working with
Got any references?
Lydia, there you are
Are you alright?
A-dog B-town, my old pals
You get away from her!
Lydia, this is a dangerously unstable individual
‘Betelgeuse is sexy’
‘Betelgeuse is smart’
‘BJ is a graduate of Juilliard!’
‘ he can help
We found him on yelp
Our troubles all ended on the day that we befriended him
Every word is the truth
Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse’
What the heck was that?
So violating
There you go, kid!
Couple of five-star reviews
What was that?
That was possession
Any ghost can do that in less than one lesson
Any ghost?
Pretty much, any ghost’ll do, sure
Then, Betelgeuse, what do I need you for?
Woah, woah, woah woah woah
Hold up, hold up, girl, I’m your pal
They're sweet, but I'm a demon straight from hell
I went a little hard on the sell
But we’re BF-F-F-F’s forever
Aaagggghhhh!
Lydia
What? He was already dead
And you heard what he said, any ghost can do that possession stuff
We don’t need that demon~
The three of us alone wreck dad’s evening
Together we can make a grown man weep!
Guys, I got a dinner date to keep
Okay, so what’s the plan?
Teach dad a lesson
He’s gonna freak when we possess him
So he want the perfect daughter
I’ll lead that lamb to slaughter~
Yeah, I got game
I’m gonna make him say my name!
(Make him say your name)
I’ll make him say my name
(Make him say your name)
I’ll make him say my name
(Make him say your name)
Not running away~
I’ll make him say my name!”
“That was so good! But we should take a break to get breakfast and a drink before we continue.”Denki said
“Good idea” Hitoshi sadi back
The two men then went and got breakfast of heart-shaped pancakes, sausage(because it’s denki what do you want for him?) and a poached egg, afterward they went back to singing show tunes from beetlejuice, hamilton, six, and defying gravity from wicked.