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Sasha looked at Anne. It’s a regular day but something felt… off. His eyes couldn’t help but drift to his friend, not paying attention to class either by the looks of her stack of colorful erasers on her desk. He tried to look back at his notes, but the blank page just couldn’t compare to staring at Anne. He never was ashamed that she grew taller than him, on the contrary, her long legs were very pretty. His heart started to beat a little too fast as he watched her slender fingers stack a red eraser at the very top of her pile. He wondered what it’d feel like to hold her hand. Was his face hot? Could people tell?
He excused himself to the bathroom, trying to ignore the bemused smile on Anne’s face as he walked by her desk. Why did that make him feel worse? He counted his breath to calm down.
Hmm. This was different. This was new. Hmm.
___________
When he got his chemistry exam back, he was surprised to find so many red marks. He wouldn’t exactly put himself on Marcy’s level of book smarts, but even he knew he was better than this. It wasn’t just this class, lately it seemed like all his grades were slipping down. And yet, all he could think about was Anne teasing him about grades for once. For some reason the thought made him a little happier about the low score. The loud clang of the bell knocked him out of his thoughts as he gathered his things and made his way to his locker.
“Hey Sasha! Whoa are you okay?” Following the line of Anne’s eyes, she was staring at the test paper he was gripping like it owed him lunch money. He counted his breath once more before putting on his best normal daughter smile.
“Oh this. Just been messing up in classes lately, probably just the T. Probably.” Anne’s brows furrowed at that. It made Sasha’s stomach turn knowing how worried he could make her. No, that didn’t mean anything, Anne worried about everyone. Just another perk of maturing faster than she needed to. It made him clench his jaw.
“Hey. I know we’ve had our issues before but know you can always talk to me! If something’s bothering you, just let me know, okay? I care about you, Sash.” The taller girl playfully punched his shoulder, face beaming. Before, Sasha would’ve laughed at that and reassured her that everything was just swell. But today it felt like his face was lit on fire and any attempt to open his mouth would just leave Anne burned. The way Anne’s dimples perked up in that big smile certainly didn’t help. Calm down, this was just Anne.
Sash smacked her hand away without thinking, earning a confused huff from Anne. “I’m fine Boonchuy. I just—just—need some space.” He stormed off to his next class before Anne could comment, but the sigh he could hear from behind made him want to tear his skin out and restitch it inch by inch. He counted his breath again. One. Two. Three. Inhale. Exhale. He’s normal again.
___________
What a humiliating history class. He slammed his locker a bit too forcefully, putting his books away, purging the embarrassment of the pop quiz he knew he definitely failed from his mind. Retying his ponytail to push his hair out of his eyes, he wondered if Anne had done better than him. She had looked ready to ask him a slew of probing questions the second they’d have a moment together so he left class as soon as the bell rang in hopes of avoiding her. He let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding in at the thought of Anne’s voice. Oh, this was bad.
He wasn’t stupid. Even if he had some of the worst references of love out of his parents, even he knew what the flutter of his heart meant. He gripped the strap of his bag, turning to head home. Unfortunately for him, he didn’t notice the arrival of a certain brunette until she had already blocked his way to the exit.
“Sash wait! We need to talk.” Great, this is just what he needed. No. He’d be normal again. Don’t think about Anne or her soft hands or the way her bangs parted or the way she always held herself like she was ready to give a rousing speech of determination. Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Normal.
He stomped past Anne, ignoring her pleas. He had hoped she’d get the memo and leave him alone, but pushover never was a good description of Anne Boonchuy.
“Sasha, I swear to frog if you don’t stop ignoring me—" She grabbed his hand, gripping him with the fury of a bear trap, eyes ablaze with a boldness Sasha couldn’t help but blush at.
“Look Sash, I don’t know if it was something I did or something going on at home, but you can’t just keep shutting yourself from everyone like this! I’m your friend and I’m really worried about you. If there’s anything I can do to help…I want to do it. Please, let me do this for you.” Friend. Imagining Anne adding ‘girl’ in front of that cursed word, spoken with the gentle affection of a lover, made his heart clam up. Leave it to Anne to be so emotionally responsible.
“Anything huh. Come with me.” This was a bad idea. He should’ve just lied to get Anne off his back, but he was moving faster than his brain could say no to this. Anne rubbed her thumb against Sasha’s knuckle before letting go.
“Okay.”
___________
They biked to the playground they’ve always visited since they were kids. It was run down by now and the flora was slowly retaking the equipment, but it was always empty and away from prying eyes, so the trio deemed it their official hangout spot. They sat on the bench, Anne patiently waiting for Sasha to explain his thoughts.
Picking at the skin around his fingernails, Sasha opened his mouth to speak several times but quickly closed it. He couldn’t tell her. Anne couldn’t know. He shoved his hands in his jacket pockets: breathed, counted to three, and breathed again. Normal.
He got up suddenly. His knuckles tightened, turning white. His anger was bubbling to the surface, not because of anything Anne had done but because he hated how out of control he was with himself and his emotions. Control. Stop. Breathe. He must’ve been glaring something fierce because Anne let out a nervous laugh, “Um I know I said I’d do anything, but this isn’t gonna hurt right?”
Sasha nearly lost all confidence at that. Is that what she thought of him? He quickly loosened his hands, worry sprawled all across his face. “I don’t want to hurt you Anne, I never do. I don’t want to do this unless you want to. I just—don’t think about this too hard.” Anne tentatively tugged on his jacket sleeve. Why did she always look at him with the same conviction of someone receiving prophecy from a god? It made him feel dirty. Like she could see right through his lies and realize all his change was a façade and he was the same angry loser from junior high. Before his request could slip out Sash quickly sputtered, “And. If you don’t like something or something hurts just say something okay? I only want this if you do.”
“Oh just hurry up already!” Sasha looked away. Did Anne figure him out? His ears felt red hot. Was the ringing just him? Did she know what she did to his heart?
“Anne. Can I—can I hug you. Just for a bit.”
“Wh—Sasha we hug all the time of course you can—” Sasha leaned over to hug Anne tightly. He gripped the back of her shirt like it was the only thing tethering him to this world. Burying his face in the crook of her neck, Sasha breathed. Inhale. Exhale. Anne smelled nice. Was that wrong to notice? No. Don’t get off topic. Remember how this feels, how close she is. Calm down. Breathe. Be normal. You won’t get this opportunity again—
Anne squeezed back, even rubbing small circles along his shoulder blades. “It’s okay Sasha, you’ve been going through it, but I’m here for you right now.” He didn’t think his heart could beat so fast. Could she hear it? Did she know? He could feel his eyes water, but no sobs broke through, no cries reached the surface. Anne held him like until his breathing evened and his grip softened. Sasha shifted slightly so their cheeks were pressed together.
He muttered a quiet thank you. So quiet it could’ve easily been missed by the bustle of nearby city racket. If Anne heard it, she didn’t say anything, instead staying silent. Almost eerily silent. Sasha’s hands moved to Anne’s shoulders before abruptly shoving himself away.
“Let me take you home.” If he bothered to look at Anne before turning to their bikes, he would’ve noticed the slight blush dusting her cheeks.
___________
The next day, his English teacher pulled him aside after the bell, holding out the literary analysis of Oresteia they worked on earlier in class. Ready for the classic scolding dripping with disappointment only a teacher he respected could make effective, he was caught off guard to see her smile and clap his back.
“You know I was worried about you Sasha; you seemed a little out of it as of late, but you did really well here! The way you noticed—” He probably would’ve paid attention any other day but was distracted when he noticed Anne staring at him from across the room. Anne quickly looked away when they locked eyes, scurrying out of the room with uncharacteristic nervousness.
Sasha felt his blood run cold. The reaction was to be expected and yet, he still chose to make things awkward for her. He felt awful, the guilt gnawing at the back of his mind like a parasite. Perhaps this was better. If Anne voluntarily exited his life, perhaps…perhaps he wouldn’t stress her so much.
___________
The rattle of their bikes seemed to get louder as the minutes trudged on. Just as he was heading home, Anne started following from behind, not saying or doing anything. Finally, the silence got on his last nerve.
“What do you want.” It came out a bit more like a command instead of a question. God did his voice crack? He felt so small.
“I thought we’d go to the park together. You know. Like yesterday.”
That made Sash slow. He was completely lost for words for a minute. He realized belatedly there seemed like an unspoken question was just on the horizon.
“L-Like yesterday? Why on Earth would you let me do that again? Go home Anne.”
Anne's expression remained neutral, but her resolve was strong, holding eye contact. “Weren’t you doing better in class today? I thought maybe I could keep helping. Unless… you don’t need it again?”
Sasha could barely comprehend what Anne was saying. His affection threatened to spill from his rapidly overwhelming heart. And yet… and yet. It never did. “Do you. Do you even know what you’re saying? Why would you do that.”
Now it was Anne’s turn to be caught off guard. She smiled a little sheepishly. Her shoelaces must’ve been very interesting because she suddenly couldn’t lift her eyes from the ground “Ah. Well, I mean, you avoiding me, looking upset every day, getting frustrated with school—it was awful to watch. Yesterday was kind of surprising but I didn’t hate it! If that’s what helps you get back on track I don’t mind it one bit.”
Sasha didn’t realize they were on the path to the park during their conversation until he could see the swings just ahead. He nearly tripped putting his bike down, heading to the familiar bench. Anne sat next to him; bodies turned so they faced each other.
Without thinking, Sasha hugged her, nose bumping against the crown of her head. He squeezed her tightly, sighing like he finally accomplished a strenuous task. The motion seemed to jolt Anne for a moment, stuttering a quick, “Remember you said you wouldn’t do anything that’d hurt, or I didn’t like.” Worried he may have grabbed her too hard, he quickly let go, pulling his hands to himself and straightening his back as if awaiting her approval.
Anne let out an amused huff, tracing a thumb along his chin and jaw scruff before parting the blonde bangs away from his eyes. She didn’t say anything, but the goofy smile she held seemed to show everything was okay. Everything was okay. They were okay. Anne wiggled her hand into Sasha’s, interlocking their fingers and giving a gentle squeeze. Sasha felt like his heart was going to explode and he couldn’t help but speak his mind.
“Can I kiss you?” The wide-eyed look was to be expected, and he felt ready to bury himself in the sandbox for such a stupid question with such an obvious answer. What he didn’t expect was about 2 seconds of deliberation on Anne’s end, running through an expression he’d never seen the girl have before, face flushed. Eventually Anne looked him in the eyes before firmly saying yes.
Sasha took his free hand and cupped Anne’s cheek. The girl pressed herself into it, and Sasha just couldn’t wait any longer. He kissed her other cheek; lips pressed a bit longer than what could be written off as a greeting. He pulled back to look at Anne, gauging her expression. She initially looked starry eyed but after a beat almost looked disappointed? No. She was probably still reeling from such a ridiculous request.
A small voice in the back of Sash’s mind was scolding him for taking advantage of Anne’s kindness once again. God, he really didn’t deserve her. That voice was quickly shut up as Sasha dipped back down to kiss her forehead. Then her nose. She giggled as his facial hair brushed against her.
Anne’s eyes fluttered before closing completely when he kissed a bit too close to her jaw. Fair enough. He kissed her eyelids next. The hand holding onto his own was shaking slightly and he was worried he hit Anne’s stopping point.
Unexpectedly, Anne let out a low, breathy sigh. Like a cat stretching in a nice sunspot. Sasha wanted to hear it again and again, but Anne’s eyes suddenly darted open, glancing down to Sash’s lips before meeting his eyes. “I-I’m gonna head back home now.” Before Sash could mentally kick himself down a flight of stairs for making Anne uncomfortable, Anne kissed his forehead, smiling, “Let’s do this again tomorrow, okay?” Sasha was too awestruck to say anything, nodding dumbly as he watched Anne get on her bike and go down the street. He kept looking even after she was beyond view.
Breathe. One. Two. Three. Inhale. Exhale. Normal. He was normal again.
___________
This continued for several weeks. Sasha and Anne would quietly make their way to the playground after school. Sometimes skipping days, but always going in silence. There was an unspoken rule that neither would acknowledge this time outside of the moment. No questions asked, and never overstepping each other’s boundaries. Sasha would always start by reminding Anne to say something if something hurt or felt bad. They never kissed on the lips, and Sasha always initiated.
The sick part that made Sasha’s blood curl and stomach turn inside out was that this little system worked. He was doing great in school, clubs were a breeze, hell he even found his mom nod in approval when he’d bring home his report card.
Even if he never questioned Anne out loud, he would still dwell on it when left alone in his thoughts at home. Was Anne just stupid? No, come on, give her some credit, more credit than she ever gets. Did her parents just raise her to be way too kind for her own good? Dunno, it’s not like she discloses any other friends she may let kiss her. Would she have done this for any friend in need? That last part made him seize up. Suddenly, a familiar feeling of dread pooled in his chest.
Surely this was just about control again, right? He just wanted power over Anne? To feel special? But he had always asked for permission first. Maybe she just felt pressured into doing this but wouldn’t say anything because she feared his judgement. Oh god he really hadn’t changed huh. He wanted to punch something. The wall. A sandbag. Himself.
Suddenly counting breaths wasn’t working. He dashed to the bathroom, running the sink on its coldest setting and splashing his face. He pooled the water in his hands and watched it overflow out the sides faster than it could slip through his fingers.
They had something simple going, why did he feel the need to ruin it? To ask for more and keep taking. This was wrong and he knew this. He wanted more. He was terrible. It was late but before he knew it, he was already calling Marcy.
“Hey Sashy! Something up? You know this is Creatures n Caverns night for me!”
“I’ve got. A puzzle I need help with. You’re smart, help me out here.” He was glad Marcy couldn’t see his furrowed brows or shaking hands.
“A puzzle! Oh, geez you should’ve just said so! The campaign can wait. Spill.”
He paused slightly, nearly slipping Anne’s name out and ruining the point of the puzzle guise. He breathed. “Say you’ve got a container and it was being filled with water. At any moment you felt it would overflow. Somehow, you’ve managed to keep it from spilling out, but you worry it’ll break through at any moment. How would you keep it—keep it from making a mess for everyone?”
There was a long pause on the phone and Sasha had a feeling it wasn’t because Marcy was having a hard time turning the actual answer to the question in their head. “Well, you’ve got two options I suppose. You either find a way to stop the water from flowing or you get a bigger container.” There was another long pause and Sash realized perhaps they were waiting for him to comment. It must’ve been a touch too long because Marcy mentioned they really had to get back to their game and wished him a good night and good luck with things, hanging up.
Sasha immediately went to bed but couldn’t sleep all night.
___________
The next day after school, they went through their routine. This time, when Sasha asked to kiss Anne, he paused. He emphasized one last time for good measure to stop him if she wanted him to stop. He always held his breath in case she changed her mind and said no, but like usual, she said yes, hand resting on his side. He breathed once. Twice. Thrice. Normal.
He surged forward, kissing her on the lips, head dizzy and face hot. Anne let out a surprised gasp but didn’t pull away. Their teeth clacked. Sasha’s heart swelled. He felt like he was being held underwater. Everything was so murky and clouded he didn’t realize how strong he was gripping Anne’s arms. It wasn’t until Anne pulled away, tapping his side and groaning for Sash to stop before he realized. Something must’ve hurt.
Sash snapped away like he touched a hot iron. Anne looked at him with—shock? Disgust? Fear? He couldn’t place the feeling, but it wasn’t right. This was wrong and he had overstepped. He felt like lying in a dry field as a forest fire encroached upon him. Truly he was rot and Anne’s niceness was a well he was desperately taking from to wash his hands clean.
“I’m sorry I—" He could feel hot tears prick and he was thankful crying was becoming harder for him to do. He couldn’t hear Anne’s response, his hearing muddled and static, opting to run to his bike and go home before he could make any more trouble for himself. For her. Breathe. One. Two. Three. Inhale. Exhale. Normal.
His eyes blurred but he pressed on. Determined to keep moving until he couldn’t or until he was normal again. Whichever exhausted him first.
___________
Sasha was never so grateful for it to be the weekend. Normally he dreaded the two days that were strictly off limits to spend time with Anne alone at the park, but the reprieve was now welcomed with open arms. His fingertips buzzed as he touched his lips, remembering their kiss.
Suddenly it felt like he had way too much energy. If he didn’t get out of his room, he was going to destroy the whole house and more. He hurriedly put on his jacket and went to the shed for his bike. He just needed to burn some steam right. Can’t drown if you keep swimming. He was determined to be normal again. He wouldn’t come back until his heart was washed clean.
___________
Biking around town, he couldn’t help but think about Anne no matter where he went. That was Anne’s favorite boba place, that arcade was where he won Anne the giant cat plush shooting hoops, they celebrated her 17 th birthday at that karaoke café. Before he knew it, he had subconsciously made his way to the playground where this all started. He wished the city would hurry up and condemn it so they’d bulldoze it all away.
Someone grabbed his shoulder out of the blue and his instincts kicked in. Grabbing their arm, he slammed them back. When he saw it was Anne he wanted to curl up and die, apologies spilling from his mouth faster than he could question why Anne was even there. His hands moved with swift nervousness, unsure where to put them as she groaned, rubbing her back. Eventually he helped her up, but before he could utter one last apology Anne cut him off.
“Look, I’m sorry about yesterday. And uh, sorry for sneaking up on you, I had a feeling you’d be here but couldn’t help myself. I didn’t want you to run off again.”
Sasha opened his mouth to say something. Anything. But nothing came. Absolutely floored at Anne—Anne of all people apologizing for his mistake. She was so patient god she was too good for him. Even after she so graciously waited for him to gather himself, he could only mutter, “Why would you apologize. I’m the one who hurt you.”
Anne just looked at him like he was the biggest idiot alive. God Sasha was so confused, what the hell was going on. Was there a hidden camera somewhere? Was he being duped?
“Hurt me?” She scoffed, “Are you talking about just now or how you held me kind of rough? It’d take more than that to hurt me, Sash. If you meant the—the kiss—well… I didn’t hate that either. I—well I was hurting but—" She looked away, face flushed. “No, I wanted to apologize for stopping. I was hurting but for dumb reasons, it’s hard to explain.”
Sasha took a page from Anne’s book and waited patiently for her to gather her thoughts. The gears were slowly turning but he wasn’t sure if it was because the machine was finally working or was just giving its last hurrah.
“God okay don’t get weirded out. Ugh I’m so gross it’s just. At first, I thought I could just help you out and that’d be it but lately. Whenever you’d hold me and kiss me my chest would hurt. I’d go home and think about you k-kissing me. On the lips. Even when we hadn’t yet.” Her words picked up pace and Sash was worried she’d start spiraling. “Yesterday when you kissed me, my heart hurt so much I thought for sure you realized how I really felt about you. And you’d. You’d want to stop. So I cut things off, I never wanted to make you uncomfortable. When you left right away, I thought for sure you knew this meant more to me than it did for you. I’m so sorry Sasha I didn’t mean to take advantage of whatever you were going through. I was so scared you’d stop and—"
Sasha couldn’t help it. He never was the most patient person and he blurted out without even thinking, “Why would I want to stop when I’m in love with you.”
They both blushed hard. Sasha wanted to scream at himself. Anne blubbered into a coughing fit, slammed her fist against her chest to try and calm down. “Pardon my French but are you fucking kidding me?”
Now she looked kind of angry, her brows furrowed in annoyance teetering on hysterical, “You’re telling me I went through the five stages of grief over a relationship I thought would never happen when my love was requited this entire time? Sash what the hell.”
Requited. Did he mishear that? ‘My love was requited’ as in Anne loved him back? She loved him and wanted to kiss him too? Oh. Oh.
His head felt faint, and he fell to the ground in laughter.
“Of course. Yeah. Laugh it up.” Anne sat in the grass next to him, joining in the laughter.
When Sasha finally relaxed, he sat back up looking at Anne completely smitten. “I love you Anne, but why the hell did you think I wanted to hold and kiss you all the time.”
Anne stammered, “WH. YOU TOLD ME NOT TO THINK TOO DEEPLY ABOUT IT! I thought you were just stressed! My hormones were all out of whack when I started estrogen, I thought maybe this was some testosterone stuff! It didn’t help that you were genuinely doing better in classes after we started! How was I supposed to know you actually liked me!”
Sasha let out the most obnoxious groan, “I can’t fucking believe this. Just find a bigger container they said. God I’m so happy I love you so much, Anne Boonchuy.”
“Ugh no fair you’ve said that so many times already! I love you too, Sasha Waybright.” They looked at each other and laughed. Anne leaned closer to Sasha, her hand resting on his knee. “Now it’s my turn to ask. Can I kiss you?” Sasha nodded a bit too enthusiastically and Anne chuckled. “You know I need to hear you say it.”
Unfair. This was so unfair; did she know how wound up he was around her fingers? Or was she also oblivious to that for weeks.
“Yes.” His voice cracked. He closed his eyes and coughed into his fist. “Yes. Please kiss me.”
Their lips touched and he felt his heart beat with the full force of a dying star. He wasn’t sure how long they sat there. In the dirt and grass of a run-down playground, lips connected, and hands intertwined, and he honestly couldn’t care. An eternity could pass and he’d still want more. Anne rubbed her thumb on his knuckles again and he had to part to let out a shaky breath. Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Normal. Normal? Was this normal now?
Anne gently cooed out words of encouragement. He was okay, he was doing so good. She loved him so much. She brought his hands to her lips and gently kissed his fingers, starting at the tips and moving to his knuckles.
“Now look who’s unfair. Geez Anne if you’re not careful all my love is going to come crashing out my heart like a tidal wave.” He dramatically grabbed at his shirt, shaking a freed fist at the sky
“I’ll take it. I’ll take everything you give me.” They both laughed at how corny they sounded. Sasha’s face ached from smiling so much. When was the last time he was so happy? He got up, bowing low and offering his hand.
“Come on, let’s go to my house, I don’t want my girlfriend sitting in the dirt all afternoon.” He realized what he had said too late and immediately backtracked. “Uh. If you want. To come over. And also be my girlfriend, that is. Fuck, I messed this up.” Anne took his hand and stood up, patting the top of his head affectionately.
“Yes, to both statements.” She kissed his jaw right along his scruff. He let out an embarrassing whimper at the touch.
“Right. Okay. YEAH LET’S—let’s go.” His grip on her hand tightened and he couldn’t help but smile looking up at her.
Breathe. One. Two. Three. Inhale. Exhale.