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Remus wasn’t quite sure how a year had gone by since the Superbowl. It had been a blur of newness and wonder and so much love. Remus had spent the first few months pinching himself and Sirius travelled a lot so they couldn’t meet much in person, but the more frequent their late night video calls became and the more Sirius tried to rework his schedule so he could drop by for a visit, the more real it became to Remus. The more he understood that this wasn’t just a dream, but something that Sirius wanted too.
Remus still had moments like that. Ones like now where he was sitting on the couch looking at Sirius and in a flash of existentialism he would remember, this man has countless Grammys, he’s been voted The Prophet’s sexiest man alive not once, but twice, he has his own whiskey company, and his own not-for-profit, he’s adored by thousands, and his music has been the soundtrack to so many people lives, but then, Remus will say something that will make Sirius laugh and Remus will think that maybe that sound is worth more than all the fame and fortune.
Sirius had been at Remus’s place for three blissful days. The small village where Remus lived was mostly inhabited by the elderly so many of them didn’t even know who Sirius was. To them he was just dating that sweet boy who lived across the way. Of course, there was the one morning at Dorcas’s diner when an older woman had come over to ask for Sirius’s autograph. She told him that she used to teach piano and that he had a real talent for developing melodies. Sirius smiled at her in that soft, patient way he reserved for fans as he signed a napkin for her. Then she’d told him that if she was about fifty years younger she would have asked him to sign her breasts as well and then left with a wink to Remus. Sirius had turned bright red and Remus wasn’t sure how he managed to wait until after they finished breakfast and were walking home to start howling with laughter.
There’d been a lot of laughter in these last few days and Remus had realized how much he’d been craving it. At first, Sirius’s absences had been welcome. A chance for them to have some space from each other as they tested the waters of this new thing between them. But at some point in time, it had changed to a painful thing, but soft in its familiarity, a comfortable ache that Remus got used to carrying and there was so much laughter tonight that Remus never wanted it to end, but of course, it always does. Soon the room returned to quiet and Sirius sat with Remus’s head in his lap, running his fingers slowly through his curls.
Remus closed his eyes and let himself sink into the feeling. “I don’t want you to go.”
Sirius’s hand stilled and Remus sat bolt upright the moment he realized what he said.
“Shit, I’m sorry. It’s just the alcohol getting to me or the fact that I’m tired. I promise. I didn’t mean it.”
Sirius smiled at him, but it was soft and sad and Remus hated that he’d made him feel that way. Sirius reached out a hand to caress Remus’s cheek and Remus raised his to cover it with his own, leaning into the touch.
“I know touring isn’t quite cohesive with the way the rest of the world lives, love,” Sirius told him.
“I know,” Remus said. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
And Sirius just lifted his arm to pull Remus to his side and Remus went willingly, cursing himself for ruining their last night together before Sirius left on tour. But another part of his brain knew that this conversation was coming, that it had been the unspoken thing between them the last few days. The reason that they spent every moment together. Always touching. Always wanting more.
“I know that dating me can be a lot sometimes,” Sirius said and Remus knew they were both thinking of the same incident.
About six months into dating the paparazzi seemed to finally decide that whatever was happening between them wasn’t a fling, and if so the world needed to know all about Sirius Black’s new boyfriend. Sirius assured him it would die down but it had made Remus’s life hell. He couldn’t leave the house without being harassed, Lily, Frank, and Alice had all been interrogated at one time or another, and his boss had politely asked him to take a paid leave of absence until everything settled down. The final straw had been when a tabloid article had surfaced with a picture of Remus leaving the library. It had been titled “What you need to read to get with Sirius Black” and included a close up of every book he’d had in his hands and wild assumptions about their relationships based on the plots of each one. The thing was Remus didn’t know who took the picture and it hurt that his last safe haven had finally been destroyed.
Sirius had called him that night and Remus, deep in the middle of his own breakdown, had meant to reject the call, but having tears all over your phone screen does funny things to touch sensitivity and the call had connected instead. Remus hadn’t wanted to bring it up with him. He didn’t want Sirius to feel bad about something that was entirely out of his control but suddenly there he was face to face with his boyfriend hyperventilating and his face dripping at least two different liquids. Sirius had refused to hang up until Remus told him what was wrong and then stayed on the phone call with him until he’d fallen asleep. He’d given Remus a number for a good therapist he knew who dealt with managing fame and invasions of privacy, but ultimately Sirius had been right. The tabloids got tied up in the next big scandal and outside of the odd paparazzo he was in the clear, and they hadn’t talked about it since.
And now here Sirius was, calling up the incident in everything but name when he had to get on a plane in less than twenty-four hours.
“Remus, I love you and I love what I do, but I want you to know that your happiness matters most to me. If everything or anything about my lifestyle is too much for you I’ll understand.”
Remus sat upright again turning so he could look Sirius in the eyes. “Do you think I want to break up with you?”
Sirius looked away and he went somewhere else for a moment. “It’s just that this has been a problem for people in the past.”
And Remus knew part of this was Sirius’s parents, was their voices of I hope you know you’re choosing to be alone forever. You’ll see when you're sixty and realize you wasted your whole life when you could have had a family. I can’t see why you’d choose music over stability, over love.
“I knew who you were when we started this Sirius.”
“I know, but that’s different from actually living it.”
“I get that you need to go for the same reasons that I need to stay.”
And this was a conversation they had had before. When Sirius’s newest album came out and the tour information was all being finalized, Sirius had asked if Remus wanted to come but everything was just getting back to normal in Remus’s life. Not to mention that he loved his job and his friends. They gave him a purpose, something to keep striving towards. Remus, who had lived in the same small town his whole life, knew he wasn’t cut out for a new city every day. Besides, Sirius would be so busy with performances and promotion he’d barely be around. Remus would rarely get to see him and he’d have nothing to do in the meantime. Remus’s life was in this small town. He understood that Sirius’s was out there.
“I don’t resent what you do, Sirius,” Remus told him, taking his hands in his own, “but it doesn’t mean I’m not going to miss you like crazy.”
“It hurts. Every time I leave you it hurts. I’ve never had anyone who made leaving so hard before.”
And Remus kissed him because he didn’t know what else to say and they came out of it with foreheads pressed against one another, just like they’d done on that stage almost a year ago.
“Promise you won’t forget about me,” Remus said softly.
“You don’t understand. I couldn’t. Remus, you are the music.”
Remus felt very proud of himself that he only cried for three hours after Sirius’s car arrived to pick him up. Of course, he was pretty sure he only stopped because he’d reached the limit of how much water the human body could release in the form of tears, but either way he was going to take the win where he could get it. Remus thought he was doing pretty good at giving the illusion that he had it all together. He showered (Sirius’s shampoo was still next to his). He got dressed (everything in his bedroom still smelled like him). He made breakfast (he’d never had peach jam before Sirius). He even made his way to work and through the first hour of his shift and then “Moonlight” came on the radio. Lily found him crying in a storage closet ten minutes later.
Eighteen months. Sirius was going to be gone on tour for eighteen months and when he came back he had another six months of North American shows to do, but at least they’d be on the same continent again. Lily came over a lot those first few days with ice cream. Dorcas kept on him to make sure that he ate. Frank forced him out for walks with their new puppy, Charlie. Alice took him out on all her wedding planning errands. All of them made sure they kept hosting game night. And no matter how sad he felt, Remus was lucky, so lucky to not be alone.
Sirius called, of course, but the times got weirder as he jettisoned from time zone to time zone. His boss, Minerva, had given him a talking to about taking calls on work time, although she’d looked at him with such sympathy the whole time.
Remus wasn’t quite sure when the game had started. It might have been somewhere between Rome and Berlin, but he couldn’t be sure. Either way beside mishap stories and life updates they need something to talk about that wasn’t just how much they missed the other and Remus quite innocently had asked Sirius to describe what he saw, which had somehow devolved into their own unique version of I Spy. They’d tell the other to look out their window, or around the plane, or their room and describe what they saw, always starting with “I Spy…” Remus thought Sirius had an unfair advantage, having been in his house, while he was constantly moving from hotel to plane to hotel to bus to another hotel, but something about knowing the other well enough to imagine exactly what they're describing, to picture it right there beside them, made the distance not seem so big.
So, the game continued and Remus learned what croissants in France smelled like, and the exact brand of chocolate that every different hotel chain used, and the shape of every one of Sirius’s guitars. Meanwhile, Sirius learned what the flowers he sent Remus looked like in his vase, and which board games used different types of pawns, and the colour of the sunset on the other side of the world. It wasn’t enough. It never was, but it was something.
It was on one of these calls, after Sirius had been gone for almost a year, that Remus, being in a bitter mood, started with “I spy with my little eye, everything in the freaking world being shaped like a heart.”
Sirius comically over did his thinking, making his best hmm noises and tapping his chin as he looked off into the distance. “Well, it’s been a while since I’ve looked at a calendar or had any sense of time but I imagine that might be because Valentine’s Day is coming.”
“Bingo,” Remus said, tracing shapes in the stucco of the ceiling. He’d learned that looking up helped him when he felt like he needed to cry. He did his best not to do so in front of Sirius. He didn’t want to make him feel bad. He didn’t want him to think Remus was regretting his decision to stay or worse that he was regretting being with him.
“Well,” Sirius said, “I spy the most beautiful boyfriend, and I can say that cause I’ve travelled the globe Moony, who happens to be upset that his boyfriend isn’t going to be home for Valentine’s Day.”
Remus threw his arm over his eyes. The ceiling trick wasn’t working. Especially with Sirius pointing out why he was upset in the first place. “’m sorry,” he mumbled.
“Take your arm down. I want to see you.”
And his voice sounded so soft and gentle that Remus did, despite the fact his eyes were watering and his lip was trembling.
“Baby,” Sirius cooed and that only made Remus cry harder.
“I’m sorry,” Remus choked out. “I just miss you so much.” This had been exactly what Remus had been scared of once he knew that Sirius was leaving. Everything in his life had changed since he’d been in it and Remus had been terrified that it had been too late, that he’d already forgotten how to live without him. He couldn’t decide if he was happy, sad, or mad at having been proven right.
“Can I… can I sing for you?” Sirius asked, his own voice shaking.
Remus knew he shouldn’t be singing right now. The tour was hard enough on his vocal chords and his coach was pretty strict about him giving them the rest they needed, but right now, Remus couldn’t bring himself to care as he closed his eyes and nodded as tears streaked down his cheeks.
He listened as Sirius got up, grabbed his guitar and tuned it and then he started to sing, softly, just for him.
Plane and trains and automobiles
Through air, and mud, and rain
Darling, the distance I would go
Just to hear you calling my name
I’ve never been a strong man
Hell, I wonder what you see in me
But when I’m by your side baby
I think I’m ‘bout as brave as I can be
I Spy You
Falling to your knees
Needing me across the seas
I Spy You
Hilton’s chocolate in your eyes
Still gives me butterflies
Baby, with you is where I always wanna be
Sirius’s voice stuttered as he hit the last note, fighting not to succumb to his own tears.
“Can you sing it again?” Remus asked
And Sirius did, over and over again until Remus was fast asleep dreaming of arms that were strong, and sturdy, and his, and felt like home.
Valentine’s Day kept inching closer and Remus’s mood got worse and worse. He was aware that he was starting to ruin the holiday for everyone else, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He had made it clear to his friends that if they wanted to do anything for him they could buy him discount chocolate the day after but other than that it was just him, pizza, cake, a tub of ice cream, and horror movies all night. He was halfway through his third film and had given in to slowly allowing himself to be swallowed by the frankly absurd number of blankets he was buried under when his phone rang. He paused the film and went to answer it, a bit surprised that it wasn’t a video call.
“Hello?” Remus said.
“Hi love, sorry the wifi in this hotel is awful. I don’t think video will work tonight.”
That was fine by Remus, then he at least didn’t have to pretend he wasn’t miserable.
“Happy Valentine’s Day,” Sirius said.
And Remus swallowed the lump that was forming in his throat down because no, he’d known what this was when he got into this and he wasn’t going to ruin their second Valentine’s together. “Happy Valentine’s Day. What do you see?” He needed the game tonight, more than anything. He needed to focus on something else, on the things that he could touch, see, taste, hear, and smell in order to stop thinking about all the things he couldn’t.
“I Spy purple foil with a gold border.”
“That’s Purdy’s. You’re staying in a Double Tree.”
“Damnit. You’re getting too good at this.”
Remus smiled despite himself.
“Your turn.” Remus was getting ready to describe his pizza leftovers when Sirius cut him off. “Go look out the window.”
“Nooo, comfy,” Remus groaned and he could practically hear Sirius roll his eyes over the phone.
“C’mon. I want to know what that little church looks like tonight. That and maybe you’ll see Mrs. Anderson and her dog.”
“I stand by my opinion that whatever that thing is it can’t be a dog,” Remus said as he gathered up his blankets and made his way over to his bedroom window that looked out over the town.
“Are you there yet?”
“Yes. I spy white brick painted in salmon pink and clementine orange.”
“Hm,” Sirius said, “I’d call that more of a marmalade colour.”
Remus frowned, trying to puzzle out Sirius’s comment.
“Any Mrs. Anderson?”
Remus shifted the phone as he looked down and there, in front of his building was Sirius, a cellophane heart balloon in one hand and his phone in the other.
“Oh my god,” Remus said and dropped the phone without even bothering to end the call because he was running now, out the front door and downstairs, and he was almost knocking over Mr. Reynolds, and holy shit it was February outside, but he didn’t care. He didn’t care because he kept running until he was right in his arms and everything was Sirius, Sirius, Sirius.
“You’re here,” Remus sobbed into his chest. “You’re actually here.”
“Well, I spied a boyfriend who was going to be rather lonely on Valentine’s Day.”
He kissed Sirius deeply, pouring all the longing of the last twelve months into the kiss because he was here and he could touch and see and taste and hear and smell.
“How?” Remus asked in disbelief. He knew Sirius’s tour schedule like the back of his hand and there was no way he could have made a transatlantic flight without missing a show.
“A stadium flooded in Tokyo. They couldn’t find a replacement in time so they had to cancel a show, leaving me with seventy-two hours off.”
“You didn’t have to. You’ve been so busy and – “
“Remus,” Sirius said, putting a finger under his chin to tilt his head back to look at him. “Tell me what you see when you look at me.”
And oh how Remus smiled. “I spy a boyfriend who was going to be rather lonely on Valentine’s Day.” Remus wrapped his arms around him and just held on and held on and held on until his socked feet began to rather violently remind him it was still February outside.
“You’re shaking love.”
“Yes. I’m afraid proper winter clothing wasn’t the first thought on my mind.”
“Well then, let’s get you inside,” Sirius said with a coy smile as he scooped Remus up. They only really made it as far as the front door of Remus’s apartment building before they realized how impractical it was but they held hands as they made their way up the stairs and to Remus’s apartment where the door stood open. Sirius gave him a worried look.
“What? I told you I didn’t think to put on a coat. Did you think I remembered to shut the door?”
And Sirius laughed, and oh god how Remus had missed that sound. Remus went into his bedroom to gather up his phone, which luckily hadn’t shattered, and the blankets before meeting Sirius back in the living room.
“It smells like you in here. I didn’t know how much I’d missed it.” Sirius turned to look at where Remus was smiling at him coyly. “Oh my god. That probably sounded so creepy.”
“No it didn’t,” Remus said, gesturing for him to join him on the couch so they could curl up together under the mound of blankets. “I understand.”
“I got you something,” Sirius said, settling in next to him and pulling a small box out of his pocket. It was black with a red ribbon tied around it.
Remus took it from him carefully and pulled the satin ribbon off the top. He opened it up to find a silver necklace with a telescope pendant on it.
“I hear they’re good for seeing things across long distances.”
“It’s perfect,” Remus said with watery eyes. “Could you put it on for me?”
He twisted and handed Sirius the necklace and the soft brush of Sirius’s fingers against his skin was both too much and not enough after so long.
Remus turned around so Sirius could see his handiwork.
“Beautiful,” Sirius said and leaned down to give him a kiss on the forehead.
“But I didn’t get you anything,” Remus said. With Sirius moving around so often he couldn’t even send him anything.
“It’s okay,” Sirius said, brushing Remus’s curls off his forehead.
Remus frowned as he fingered his necklace gently. Gifts had never been a big thing in his family growing up so anytime his parents had money to get them something it was extra special. Once Remus was settled and had a stable job he’d use any extra little bonus he could to try and remind his friends how much they meant to him. He knew Sirius likely didn’t think about money in the same way but for Remus it was always more than a present. It was a reminder of the sacrifices the giver would make for you.
“I think I might have something,” Remus said, getting up from the couch and wandering into his room to rummage for his notebook. “It’s not much and I’m no lyricist like you but it’s something.”
He flipped through the notebook and found the entry he was looking for and went to press the notebook into Sirius’s hands. Sirius gently passed it back to him. “You read it. I want to listen to you.”
“Okay,” Remus said, taking a deep breath for his nerves as Sirius squeezed his hand reassuringly.
The Lighthouse Keeper and the Sailor
I’ve set my heart out to sea
To fly the sails of his beauty
At night my dreams are waves
My lullabies a seashells call
All the promises I couldn’t press into goodbyes
I’ll be your beacon
Your monument
Your guide
To navigate by the stars
By the beats of my heart
And every morning that I wake without you
I’ll call out my oath to you
My love, I’ll keep the light on
Until you return home to me
Remus set down the book with shaking hands and before he could turn to face Sirius he was being grabbed by strong familiar hands and Sirius was pressing lips against his. And perhaps we kiss because it says all the things we can’t put into words. It was “I love you” and “I’m sorry I had to leave” and “You are my everything” and “Everytime I play I think of you. Every note. Everything I do. Please know that it’s all for you.” And Remus pressed back with “I do. I do. I do.”