Work Text:
July 2022
Egg retrieval day
Maya anxiously folds laundry next to her wife whilst she dozes on the couch. They’d been home from the fertility clinic for a couple of hours and Carina was dosed up on painkillers and resting on and off, still recovering from the lingering effects of the general anaesthetic. Maya is doing what she can to keep her mind busy. The team at Overlake Fertility had reassured them that the procedure had gone well, and Carina had been released post egg collection with a hastily scrawled “5” on her hand in black ballpoint, denoting five eggs collected. Maya had carefully driven her home, holding her hand over the console the whole time, whilst doing her best to swallow her secret worry over just five eggs.
Maya knows she should be grateful for five eggs, it’s more than none and it’s more than only one. She does know this, logically and rationally. But not a lot feels rational about this process for Maya and when they’d started this journey, all of the research she’d done had suggested that a good number would be eight or so. The guidance suggests that you should expect to lose approximately fifty percent of that number at this stage; not all the eggs being mature enough to be fertilised, and then they expect the number to halve again as only some of the fertilised eggs will develop into embryos or blastocysts that are developed enough to be implanted back into the womb. Maya can’t help but worry that their - lower than the average - number puts them at reduced odds right out of the gate, but she continues to pair sport socks and tries to remind herself that it only takes one good embryo to make a baby.
Nobody had warned Maya about the rollercoaster this journey would take them on. Two exceptionally healthy women with no known fertility issues between them, should be able to easily conceive once they’d picked a sperm donor right? Yet, Maya feels battle worn six months into trying with little success thus far. They’d tried IUI in the first instance, but after three tries and nothing to show but a trash can full of negative pregnancy tests, they’d decided to hedge their bets on IVF for both increased odds and the financial implications. IVF is a greater initial outlay but in theory it shouldn’t take as many attempts, they’d reasoned at the time.
Maya tosses the now paired socks onto the growing pile of clean and folded laundry. She leans over and gives Carina a kiss on her head, lingering there for a moment, allowing the smell of her wife’s shampoo to ground her. Maya knows she likes to be in control of things. Maya “queen of the clipboard” needs a plan for everything. This journey to becoming parents feels like it has removed all of her control. Even the best laid plans are at the mercy of so many variables. It has her feeling completely on the back foot. And today, as her wife rests after doing what Maya feels is all of the work so far, all she can do is wait to hear how many eggs they have to work with. How many chances they have to finally make this little dream of theirs a reality. It dawns on her how much she hadn’t known she wanted it, until she had no control over making it happen.
A little while later, Carina stirs on the couch drawing Maya’s attention from the book she is reading. Carina groans a little in discomfort and Maya closes her book quickly, moving from her seat in the armchair to sit next to Carina. She runs a hand through Carina’s hair. “You okay? How do you feel?” She asks.
Carina smiles up at her, “I’m okay. A little uncomfortable, but nothing a top up of Tylenol won’t help with.” She reassures Maya. “How long did I sleep?” She asks.
“A few hours on and off. It’s almost three.” Maya tells her, getting up to find the Tylenol for her wife.
Carina’s phone begins to ring and she waves her arm to catch Maya’s eye as she answers. “Ciao, hello?”
“It’s the embryologist” Carina silently mouths to Maya as she returns to sit next to her; Carina puts her phone on speaker and sets the handset down in front of them on the coffee table.
“Carina, hi. It’s Carmen from Overlake. How are you feeling after this morning?”
“Hi Carmen, I’m feeling okay, thanks for asking. A little uncomfortable but nothing too bad.” Carina tells her. “Do you have news for us?” She anxiously asks, chewing on her thumbnail.
Maya for her part, can’t stop her knee from bouncing up and down and she leans forward in her seat and frets nervously with the collar of her sweatshirt.
Carmen chuckles down the line, “I do indeed. As you know, we harvested five eggs this morning. We can confirm that four of the five are mature. They look excellent and are ready to be fertilised.”
Carina nods along, her shoulders relaxing slightly. “Okay. That’s good, yes?”
“That’s great odds so far Carina. Four out of five is a great number! We’ve checked the straws as they’ve defrosted as well and the sperm has coped well and looks to be of great quality too. This is a great starting point.” Carmen enthusiastically reassures.
“Remind me, are you doing a fresh transfer?” The embryologist asks.
“No. Dr. Thomas has me taking levothyroxine for six weeks. So the hope is for a frozen transfer next month providing she’s happy with my thyroid function then.” Carina explains.
“Okay, in which case, we’ll be getting fertilisation underway today and we’ll just leave everything alone until day three. That’s Tuesday. On Tuesday, we’ll see how things are progressing. Any blastocysts that are ready will be frozen at that stage, but if they need a little longer, we’ll leave them and check again at day five. We’ll give you a call on both days to give you an update.” Carmen explains as Carina nods along.
“That’s great, thank you Carmen.” Carina says.
“It’s no problem. I know it’s easy for me to say, but try and just relax. The waiting can feel like an age, I know. But try to go about things as normal and we’ll speak as soon as we know more.” Carmen offers gently.
“Thanks, Carmen. We’ll do our best.” Carina laughs. Looking over at her wife, she can’t imagine that distracting her from the worry of another 2 day wait is going to be at all possible.
Carina thanks Carmen again before hanging up.
Maya breathes out the breath she has been holding. “Four out of five is okay right?” She asks nervously.
“It’s good, Bambina. You heard her. We’ve already beaten the odds.” Carina tries to reassure her wife.
Maya responds with a weak smile. Carina takes her hand, brings it to her lips and presses a soft kiss against the knuckles. “I know it’s hard,” she says, “but you need to try and relax. You’re going to drive yourself crazy with worry if you don’t.”
“I’m trying Carina. I really am.” Maya leans her head back against the couch. “I don’t think I’ve ever felt a lack of control like this. I think because it’s so important.” She quietly explains to her wife.
Carina leans into Maya’s side and let’s Maya put her arm around her shoulders in a cuddle. Carina finds a comfortable spot and they sink into one another. “Lo so.” She says quietly with a sigh. “Lo so.”
Day 3 embryo update
Tuesday is Maya’s twenty-four hour off shift; Station 19 had recently transitioned to The California Swing Shift Pattern, and Maya was finding she actually preferred it to the previous schedule of twenty-four hours on and forty-eight hours off rotation. She’s already been out for a run, done the grocery shopping and made brunch for herself and Carina whilst Carina rested. For her part, Carina had taken a few days off following her egg collection procedure, not knowing how she was going to feel afterwards. Today is her final day off and Maya’s only recourse to feel useful through this whole thing, is to keep busy and take care of her wife.
It’s early afternoon and Maya decides to carry on with clearing out the spare room. Unpacked boxes of Carina’s belongings from when she moved into the apartment during the pandemic still need sorting through and Maya wants to try and clear it in order to make a start on redecorating. She hopes they’ll eventually need it for a nursery, and doesn’t want to leave it until then to get started with clearing the space.
She’s managed to collate a good selection of belongings to donate, including an old desk that she no longer has use for but has been taking up space and has a pile of items to one side for Carina to look through and decide what to do with. She has some music playing softly in the background to keep her company in her task and is humming along when Carina appears in the doorway.
“Bambina, here you are.” Carina smiles at her wife, dusty and sweaty from her activities. “You’ve been busy.” She says, observing the progress Maya has made on the room.
“Hey you. Good nap?” Maya asks, and Carina nods. “Yeah, I wanted to keep busy and this has needed doing for a while. Hoping if I can get it cleared, I can prep the walls and make sure there’s a plain basecoat on, so it’s a blank canvas for decorating. As and when we need to.” Maya explains.
“Okay,” Carina responds, moving over to Maya and wrapping her arms around her neck. Maya brings her arms around Carina’s waist, holding her loosely at her tailbone; she presses a chaste kiss to Carina’s lips with a smile. “My wife, always with a project.” Carina says.
Maya smiles, “You know I need to keep busy.” She kisses Carina again. “I take it there’s still no news?” Maya asks.
Carina hums in the negative, and they just hover there in the spare room, holding one another for a moment of comfort. “I have a proposition anyway.” Carina says after a minute.
“Oh yeah?” Maya waggles her eyebrows suggestively.
“Not that kind!” Carina scoffs. “I want to go down to Pike’s place in a little while. I'd like to get some good Snapper from the fish market to make Pesce all’ Acqua Pazza tomorrow and I thought whilst we were down there we could book to eat at Maximilien. It’s been so long since we’ve been and Dio mio, I can’t stop thinking about the confit duck.” She finishes with an exaggerated groan.
“It has been a while.” Maya agrees. “I guess that would be nice, hopefully by this evening we’ll have something to celebrate.” She adds. “But, I’m only agreeing if you promise we can walk down to Indi chocolate for dessert after dinner.” Maya negotiates, seriously.
Carina leans back and laughs. “As if I’d try and deny you Indi’s.” She says. “Shall I call and see if there’s a table for six thirty?” She asks.
Maya responds with a nod and slap to Carina’s ass as she turns to walk away. “Then come back here, you’ve got some sorting to do.” She calls after her, hearing Carina’s less than thrilled groan in response.
At five pm, both women decide it’s a good time to give up on their sorting in favour of showers and getting ready for their impromptu date night. They head through to the bedroom and Carina heads to take the first shower.
It dawns on Maya that they’ve still not received an update call. The thought sends a wave of anxiety through her that she’d managed to keep at bay all day through distraction. “Carina,” she calls. “Still nothing?”
Carina pops her head around the bathroom door frame, shower already running. “Not yet Bambina.” She smiles gently at Maya, knowing that her wife is still feeling on edge with no updates. “But no news is good news, no?” She adds softly.
Maya sighs, “I guess. I just wish we knew either way.”
“I know Bambina, but we have to trust the process.” Carina reassured her.
“How are you so calm about this?” Maya asks her.
Carina steps into the bedroom in just her underwear. She runs her hands up Maya’s arms until they frame her face and she leans in for a gentle kiss. “I have you to worry enough for the both of us.” She teases. Then, “I am not always calm about it. I worry about it every time I stop doing something that keeps me busy. But I can’t control it, so I have to try and stay hopeful. It’s all we can do, Bambina.”
Maya nods, pecks Carina on the lips again before turning out of her embrace to start pulling an outfit together whilst Carina heads back into the bathroom for her shower.
A few minutes later, Carina’s phone rings where it sits on the bedside table as Maya is rummaging through her t-shirts. She grabs it quickly and runs into the bathroom, where Carina is mid shampoo.
“Babe,” she says frantically, holding the phone up for Carina to see that it’s Overlake Fertility calling.
She swipes to answer as Carina turns the water off in order to hear properly.
“Hello.” Carina says loudly as she gestures at Maya to pass her a towel. Maya hands it over and Carina hastily wraps it around herself so she can feel at least partially decent whilst she has this conversation.
“Hi, is that Carina?” Carmen, the embryologist asks down the line.
“Si, Hi Carmen, it’s Carina.” Carina says, once composed.
“And Maya.” Maya adds.
“Oh, Great. You’re both there. Hi Maya.” Carmen says. “So I have an update for you both.” She says and Carina squeezes Maya’s bicep as she moves closer to her. “So we unfortunately lost one of the embryos that didn’t develop properly. But, the good news is, we have two that are growing well and the cells are dividing just as we would hope. We’ll be leaving these alone until day five, just to allow them the time they need and hopefully they’ll continue on this track.”
Carina nods her head in acknowledgement before asking, “And the fourth?”
“So the fourth has grown, there are 8 cells, however, it does look to be struggling a little bit in the lab. It’s graded at a 4, so it’s still a good quality embryo but as you know Carina, the best place for that embryo would be in the uterus so i’d ordinarily be asking you to come in today to get that one implanted to give it the best chance at continuing to grow. However, as we can’t do a fresh transfer, I’m going to suggest we freeze that one today. Does that sound okay?”
Maya looks at Carina helplessly and shrugs. Carina squeezes her arm again in reassurance. “Si, that sounds sensible Carmen, thank you. So the other two are doing as they should. They look all good and we wait to hear on day five?” Carina confirms.
“That’s right,” Carmen agrees. “They are doing exactly what they should be doing, and we’ll keep an eye on them until day five and hopefully add them to the freezer too if nothing changes.”
“Okay, thank you for the update.” Carina says.
“No problem. I’ll catch up with you again on Thursday.” Carmen replies. “Bye Carina, Bye Maya.”
“Bye.” “Thanks.” Maya and Carina say at the same time, before Maya hangs up.
Carina throws her arms around Maya’s neck sensing her lingering tension. “This is good progress, Bella. You should breathe.” She says into Maya’s hair as she hugs her.
“I know. I know.” Maya reassures Carina, pulling back to look at her. “It’s all just a bit overwhelming. I really didn’t expect all of this uncertainty. Two more days of waiting to find out if the other embryo’s survive, and yet the other one she used the word ‘struggling’ to describe it. That doesn’t feel overly reassuring.” She rambles on, trying to give voice to her scrambled thoughts.
“I know it feels like that, Bella, but they are freezing that embryo at a stage where it is still viable. Plenty of women have successful pregnancies from a day-three embryo.” Carina reassures her wife. “Besides, we have two more embryo’s that are still doing their thing.”
Maya nods, sinking into Carina for another hug, which Carina gives her freely. With her head on Carina’s chest and Carina’s hands running through her hair, Maya can feel herself start to relax. “Thanks for always taking time to reassure me.” She mumbles. “How do you feel?”
Maya feels Carina kiss her head. “I am good, Bella. Anxious to progress, but I am okay for now. And of course I’ll reassure you. I’ll always give you all the time you need. I love you, Maya.” Carina tells her earnestly.
“I know they’re just a bunch of cells for now. They’re not anyone yet, but is it weird that I’m sad for the one that didn’t grow? And curious about who the three we have might be? I didn’t think I'd feel this attached to them at this stage.” Maya asks shyly.
Carina smiles into Maya’s hair. “It’s not weird at all Bambina. And I love that you feel so attached even now. It makes me happy to know how invested you are in this.” Carina tells her.
They stand there for another few minutes, wrapped up in each other's arms, in the middle of the bathroom before Carina steps out of the hug. “Okay, we need to get ready. I want my wife to wine-and-dine me tonight, before I have to stop drinking again because I’m pregnant. We’re going to go and celebrate our little day-three-embryo and our other two growing embryo’s.”
Maya laughs, “Oh yeah?”
“Yes.” Carina nods seriously. “You should join me in the shower. We don’t want to be late.” She suggests.
Maya raises her eyebrows. “You don’t have to tell me twice, wife.” She says as she begins stripping out of her clothes, reaching over to switch the water back on eagerly.
Day 5 embryo update
Maya gulps down a glass of water as she glances quickly around her to see if she can spot Andy. She’s seated at a table on the terrace outside of LOCAL Public Eatery in South Lake Union. They’re both on twenty-four hour off shift and Carina is at work until eight, so when Andy had suggested a late lunch, Maya had happily agreed to keep herself busy. She’d used the opportunity to go for a run in Lake Union Park beforehand and was now waiting for Andy to join her. She uses the time to allow her heart rate to level out after her brisk seven miles.
“Hey, sorry I’m late.” She hears Andy before she sees her and feels a squeeze on her shoulder as Andy rounds the table to join her.
Maya waves her off, “it’s fine. I just got here.”
Andy eyes her running gear. “Did you go for a run first?”
Maya nods, “yeah, I figured since we decided to meet here I’d run in Lake Union. It’s a nice circuit by the water.” She explains.
“Good to know that even the shift from hell doesn’t stop you.” Andy jokes referencing the busy shift both station houses had experienced in the twenty-four hours before.
“You know me,” Maya says with a half smile. “Gotta keep moving.”
“Did you say Carina has work today?” Andy enquires, as she pours herself some water from the caraf on the table.
Maya nods, “till eight.” She says, before the waitress interrupts the conversation.
Both women place their orders; Calabrian Caesar salad with blackened chicken for Maya and Thai noodle salad for Andy. When the waitress asks if they’d like any drinks, Andy says to Maya, “I think I’m going to have a glass of wine. Do you have to drive anywhere? We can get a bottle to share? Make a proper lunch of it?”
Maya shrugs. “Sure, why not? I’ve nowhere to be today.”
Andy orders a bottle of the Chablis and the waitress takes off to process their order.
When they’re alone again Andy looks at Maya over the rim of her water glass. “So.” She says pointedly. “What’s new with you?” She asks.
Maya looks up from where she’s been checking her phone for the thousandth time that afternoon. Waiting for any word from Carina on their day five update. “Nothing. What do you mean?” She asks, narrowing her eyes at the implication in Andy’s tone.
“You seem tense. Like something is bugging you.” Andy says. “And now that I’ve moved out and we don’t even see each other at work anymore, I just wondered if you’re okay.”
Andy had moved out not long into the New Year. Once she and Robert were able to amicably discuss their separation and divorce, she’d been in a better space to start thinking about her next steps, and with Carina and Maya’s help, had spent time finding herself an apartment that she could call home. The first place that was really, truly hers. Although Maya missed seeing her friend so regularly, it had turned out to be better timing than they’d realised as they’d started their fertility treatments. Not realising at the time, the space they’d need for themselves as a couple to navigate the process.
Before Maya can answer, the waitress comes back with their wine and pours them each a glass. As she leaves again, Maya says, “I’m okay. Just a bit stressed I guess. Anyway, cheers,” she adds, raising her glass to Andy who returns the gesture and taps her own glass against Maya’s “Here’s to a nice, chilled out lunch and a catch-up!”
“I’ll say.” Andy agrees as she takes a sip of her wine. “Mmm. That’s good.” She says with a moan. “So, what has you so stressed?” Andy asks her.
Maya stares at her wine glass to avoid eye contact and she fiddles with the stem. “We’re waiting to hear the outcome of Carina’s first egg retrieval.” She says finally.
Andy, sensing Maya isn’t looking for an effusive response to the news, tempers her reaction. “Okay,” she says slowly. “I didn’t know that was happening. You kinda went quiet on the topic.” She says.
“I know.” Maya glances up at her. “I realise now, that we announced our intent, our plans to start a family. And it was maybe a little premature?” She says almost as a question.
Andy for her part stays quiet and allows Maya the space to talk.
“I don’t regret saying anything. We were happy with our decision and we wanted to share that with our family. But there are a lot of steps, and a lot of decisions and it all takes time. So it feels like we’re always waiting for something.” She gives Andy steady eye contact now, “I guess that’s why I’m so tense.” She finishes with a small shrug.
“Maya - ” Andy starts to respond to her friend before she’s interrupted by Mayas phone next to her on the table. They both see Carina’s name light up the screen and Maya lets out a breath before swiping to answer.
“Hey, babe.” Maya answers, angling her body away slightly, trying for privacy without being rude.
“I’m with Andy getting lunch down at Lake Union. How is your day going?” Andy hears Maya’s half of the conversation. “That’s good babe. Do we have an update?” Maya asks Carina.
“Mmm-mmm, that’s good right?” Maya asks in response to what Carina tells her down the phone. “How do you feel?” Maya asks her wife with a gentle smile on her face.
Andy watches Maya tuck her hair behind her ear as she listens to Carina talk down the line, before she says, “I’m good. Yeah. I’m relieved to know.” Then after another minute, “Okay, love. I’ll see you when you get home. I miss you and I love you, have a good rest of shift.”
Maya turns back to Andy as she hangs up the phone with Carina and she sees Andy open her mouth to ask her something, probably to enquire as to the update Maya just received. But before Andy can speak, Maya feels a wave of emotion lodge itself in her throat and her eyes widen slowly in horror as she realises it’s upon her and she promptly bursts into tears. She quickly covers her face with her hands as the embarrassment over takes her but despite her mortification at her very public meltdown she cannot stop the sobs that suddenly pour out of her right there at the lunch table.
Andy quickly moves out of her seat and crouches next to Maya putting one arm around her shoulders and placing her other hand over Maya’s that cover her face. “Hey,” she soothes. “Hey, come on, what’s wrong?”
Maya shakes her head but doesn’t try to push her away. There’s no point trying to pretend she’s fine when she can’t stop the tears falling or the great, gasping, sobs that wrack her body, so she just sits there and lets Andy try to comfort her. Her sobs slow after a minute or two and she sits and takes some deep breaths through her fingers. “I’m so sorry.” She says, from behind her hands. “I don’t know what just happened.”
Andy pulls on Maya’s hand to try and draw them down. “Maya, look at me. Come on. You don’t need to be sorry, or embarrassed.”
Maya allows her hands to be moved and she clenches them on her lap, keeping her gaze down. “I’m mortified, we’re in public and I just had a total come apart.” Maya says quietly.
“Nobody is paying any attention, Maya.” Andy reassures her, despite having definitely noticed a few surprised glances from the other patrons. By now they’ve mostly all gone back to their own lunches. “What just happened? It sounded like a positive phone call.” Andy asks, as she gets back to her feet and moves to sit back in her chair.
“It was.” Maya agrees. “I think I’ve been expecting bad news and I’m just so relieved. I don’t even know...” She tries to explain. “We’ve got 3 embryos.” She adds with a smile. “They froze one the other day, but the other two were still growing. They’ve been added to the freezer today and they’re high grade, perfect blastocysts, Carina says.”
“Maya, that’s such great news!” Andy responds with a big smile.
Maya ducks her head and nods. “It is, I just…the waiting and not knowing was so hard. So much harder than anyone warns you it will be. I have felt so out of control with this process and I guess I’ve been terrified that we’d end up with no viable embryos and then where would that leave us?” She rushes out, trying to explain her heightened emotional state. “Carina has been so composed through all of this and she’s the one going through it -“
Andy cuts her off, “Maya, you’re both going through it.”
“I feel helpless.” Maya says in response. “I’m watching from the sidelines, wishing I could do more. Whilst my amazing wife takes hormones, and has procedures, and has to tolerate it every time we hit a roadblock.” Maya lays it all out for her friend, exposing her biggest vulnerabilities. Now she’s started sharing, she doesn’t feel like she can stop. “And our whole life and all of the decisions are being made by other people. Down to appointment times and dates, how many days she has to take the hormones for. We’re at the mercy of it all and I just feel…” she trails off. “God, I sound so ungrateful. We’re lucky to have the option to try these things.” She berates herself.
“Woah, hey.” Andy says sharply. “Don’t do that. You’re allowed your feelings. And you’re allowed to find this hard, even though you’re lucky to have the option. The two aren’t mutually exclusive. Both things can be true Maya.” Andy tells her friend.
“Well, anyway,” Maya brushes her off. “I guess I’ve been holding a lot of that in and the relief that we got three embryos to take a chance with just took me by surprise.” She takes a big gulp of her wine and then swipes at her face to make sure there are no lingering tears. “Thanks for dealing with that.” She adds.
“Don’t be stupid Maya,” Andy scoffs. “You let me keep my divorce papers in your freezer for like a month.” She adds.
“That’s true, I did.” Maya laughs.
“Are you good to stay?” Andy asks Maya softly as she sees the waitress about to approach with their salads.
“Yeah, of course.” Maya nods. “I’m fine now that’s out of my system. Other than a dose of abject mortification.” She adds. “But lunch out, some time to think and talk about other things. Just what I need.” She says with conviction.
“Good, ‘cause lunch is served.” Andy says rubbing her hands together in glee as the waitress approaches and puts their food down in front of them.
Fin .