Archive of Our Own

As a writer, Todd Anderson did what he did best: Listen. Especially as a playwright where the dialogue was the most important part, he wanted to make his writing realistic. In that sense, he listened closely when people spoke to him. He listened in on conversations at coffee shops. He focused on their dialects, their speech patterns, what they said.

Todd concluded long ago: most people didn’t have much to say. Most of the time, people talked about the same talking points over and over. He can only hear about a woman’s messy divorce in a Starbucks so many times without wondering if maybe women should stop marrying bankers. Other times, he listened to audiobooks of old works to hear the dialogue. He saw plays where the actors spoke in old-speak.

Eventually, he wrote a play about a nineteenth-century poet set on writing the world’s greatest poem. Before getting arrested for the murder of his best friend. He based it on Oscar Wilde’s poem The Ballad of Reading Gaol after hearing a reading of it.

By famous Broadway actor Neil Perry.

Whom, after hearing about this nineteenth-century-based script going around, reached out to Todd to get a copy.

Todd’s work had only gotten to Off-Broadway, and they got pretty good reviews. They were just never big enough to warrant a Broadway production. So, Neil Perry reaching out about this script truly started as a business thing. And Todd thought Neil was objectively handsome when they met in person. But it stopped being ‘oh yeah, he’s nice looking’ when their coffee outings became dinner outings. That’s when Neil stopped dressing like a homeless man and started looking like he showered and washed his clothes. And it started being ‘oh no, I want him to slow dance with me in Central Park in the middle of the night.’

All that would be totally fine, and Todd would have kept all his feelings to himself, but evidently, he didn’t do that.

“Even if you don’t have a date,” Jeff said through the phone, “I still think you should at least come to the reception.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to go,” Todd said, with his phone tucked between his ear and shoulder, washing dishes in his sink. “Because I really do. But you know how our family is. How everyone is gonna be saying I’m next, and I’ve never been in a long-term relationship. It’s just… it’s gonna be annoying.”

“Well, why not Neil?” Jeff asked.

Todd laughed. “Neil?”

“Yeah, Neil Perry, the one you talk about all the time. I know you two haven’t been seeing each other for a long time, but you could bring him.”

Now, Neil and Todd were not dating. They were close colleagues, not boyfriends. Hearing that Jeff thought they were in a relationship made Todd set down his half-washed dish and sponge into the sink.

“I… don’t know about that,” Todd said slowly. “I mean… I don’t know, no one outside of Mom and Dad know about Neil and what he does, and I don’t want people to recognize him, and I don’t want to make a big deal on your wedding day.”

“It won’t be a big deal, Todd. I mean, I know Mom and Dad already like him, and I doubt anyone in our family actually cares enough about Broadway culture to freak out over Neil, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

Todd sighed, tapping his fingers on his counter. “Yeah… I just don’t want to… overwhelm him…” He squeezed his eyes shut drawing out the lie. “In case anyone’s weird about him.”

“Well, why don’t you talk to him,” Jeff said, “and see what he thinks? And if he doesn’t want to, or he can’t, at least you can tell people you asked.”

Todd shook his head to himself. “Okay, I’ll do that.”

“Good man! I’ll see you in a couple weeks.” And Jeff hung up.

Todd leaned on his elbows against the counter, letting out a big breath. His jaw shook, running through his head how he was ever going to explain this to Neil.

And did he really talk about Neil that much Jeff thought they were dating?

On cue, Todd’s phone dinged with a text message from Neil. ‘Got reservations at Gabriel Kreuther and my date’s just cancelled 😔 Can I interest u in some fine dining tonight?’ 

And without thinking, Todd texted back, ‘Sure thing! What time?’

‘I’ll pick u up @7 ;)’

~

Todd sat in front of Neil after finishing their mains, gripping his napkin so tightly his knuckles turned white. Glancing up at Neil, his eyes followed the shadows in his face illuminated from the candlelit in the center of their table. He watched the wine slip by Neil’s slim lips and down his throat, his tongue lightly stained pink. The people around them dined quietly, fancy and sophisticated.

The question stood on Todd’s tongue, but he couldn’t quite spit it out. He didn’t want Neil to laugh at him, or reject him, or flip the table and saunter out of the restaurant and never call him again. 

Because Neil had a great time. He smiled so wide and laughed so loud and spoke so enthusiastically like a puppy on an evening walk. And Todd didn’t want to ruin that.

“So… um…” Todd muttered. He pulled the napkin out of his shirt. “I have to ask you something, and you do not have to say yes.”

Neil set down his wine glass and folded his hands on the table. “I’m all ears.”

“Well, so… my brother’s getting married.”

“Oh yeah, you told me about that!” Neil said. “Did they get that reception venue downtown?”

He remembered? “Yeah, they did. So, the thing is, I talked to Jeff and he told me that my parents were kind of expecting me to bring someone… as, like, a date.”

Neil’s lips slid into a smirk. “Okay?”

“And, I mean, I don’t really have anyone to bring.” Todd twisted the corner of his napkin between his fingers. His eyes stayed glued to the table, shaking at the thought of looking at Neil. “So, if you want, again you can say no, but I… do you want to go with me, to the wedding?”

Blinking, Neil stared at Todd. He glanced around the restaurant as though looking for an answer. “Is it a date?”

Todd tore his gaze from his placemat to Neil. “It doesn’t have to be, I guess. I think… I think my parents are expecting a date, but if that makes you uncomfortable, I can tell them we’re just friends.”

“But, you want it to be a date,” Neil said like a question.

Todd shrugged. “I don’t know, I… I think if I bring a date, they’ll be weird. But if I bring ‘just a friend’, they’ll be even weirder.”

“Well…” Neil let out a laugh. “I can pretend to be your boyfriend.”

Todd narrowed his eyes, mainly confused at how forward Neil was. “Would you?”

“Acting is my job,” Neil said. “I pretend to be in fruitful relationships for a few hours all the time. Sometimes eight times a week.”

Todd blushed with a smile. He pulled his shoulders to his ears as if that would hide him away. He’s so funny. “I think that would be best. So…?”

Neil sipped his wine. “Oh yeah, of course I’ll go. Free food, people. I just need to know what kind of role I’m getting into.” He smiled, the tops of his cheeks creating little wrinkles around his eyes.

Todd swallowed hard, teeth chattering a bit. “Okay, I’ll text you the details.”

And Neil smiled, raising his wine glass. Stupid smile, you’re so attractive.

~

So, that was how they got on the road to New Haven, only about an hour and a half outside of New York City. Over and over, they repeated the story they came up with: Todd wrote a stage play that Neil got his hands on. They had several coffee dates, editing and rewriting the script, that turned into dinner dates. Until eventually they were no longer working on the script. Frankly, it wasn’t that far off from how they became friends.

They both dressed for the occasion, as well as the color scheme (Todd unintentionally, as he soon found out). Todd had this Terracotta suit that he wore to every familial event, and Neil wore a muted teal suit with brown details. They had coordinated… accidentally, but still.

Todd very dangerously looked at Neil throughout the drive, even though he was behind the wheel. He couldn’t get over how well the brown details complimented his smooth hair and the warm tones of his face.

Look at the road!!!

First was the ceremony at a church. Since Todd didn’t have a role in the ceremony, they arrived with the rest of the guests. Some stood outside in the summer sun; some got their seats and mingled with people in the surrounding pews.

“Are you ready?” Todd asked once he and Neil parked in front of the church.

Neil checked himself in the sun visor mirror, making sure his tie was straight and that his hair was creaseless. “Think so. Are you?”

Todd nodded. “If this all gets to be too much or you want to leave, just give me the word, and we’ll go.”

Neil looked over at Todd and nodded. “Sure thing. And if you want to leave, we can go. Hang on.” He tucked Todd’s collared shirt under his suit jacket and straightened the tie knot. He brushed Todd’s shoulders, flattening them out. He nodded and smiled. “Perfect.” He stepped out of the car.

Neil and Todd passed by the other guests on the steps and walk into the church. Todd didn’t check if anyone stared at them, but he could feel eyes on him. Almost immediately, Todd spotted his parents, chatting up another older couple he didn’t recognize. He saw his dad lean into his mom and point out Todd, and his mom waved them over.

“We got spotted,” Todd said to Neil, before guiding him towards his parents. “They’re John and Linda.”

“Yeah, I know,” Neil said matter-of-factly.

“Todd, how are you?” Linda Anderson asked, standing on her toes to hug her son. 

“Just fine,” Todd said, unable to look his parents in their eyes. “This is Neil.” He placed his hand on Neil’s shoulder and pulled their bodies closer.

“Ah, Neil Perry!” John Anderson said, shaking Neil’s hand. “We’ve heard so much about you from Todd.”

Neil smiled and looked at Todd, whose ears brightened red. “I hope only good things, Mr. Anderson, and Mrs. Anderson.” He shook Linda Anderson’s hand. “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you.”

“And us to you,” Linda said. “I love this suit!” She strokes the material on Neil’s wrist. “This color goes so well with your skin tone, and it’s so suave.”

“Thank you, Todd helped me pick it out,” Neil said, reaching over and rubbing Todd’s back, which pulled Todd into the conversation. “I wanted something that went with the color scheme, but also coordinated with Todd, you know?”

John and Linda looked back and forth between Neil and Todd, at their suits. “They do go together!” John said, smiling widely. “How lovely!”

“We should get a spot,” Todd said to Neil.

“Oh, we’re near the front, across from Sandy’s parents,” Linda told them, pointing. Sandy, being Jeff’s bride.

“I’ll talk to you later,” Neil called after Todd’s parents as Todd tried to shuffle them away.

Todd expected Neil to drop the act once he wasn’t in front of his parents, but just as they were away, Neil took Todd’s hand into his, interlocking their fingers. Neil’s hand was an early summer morning, perfectly firm yet smooth in Todd’s. Neil’s thumb rubbed the back of Todd’s hand ever so gently. They found an empty spot on a pew and sat, hand still in hand.

Neil mingled with some family and friends, but Todd didn’t listen to any of it. He wasn’t sure if this was Neil in the role, or if this was his true nature. It could have been either, and he would still stupidly enamor Todd.

~

The ceremony was nice, although neither Todd nor Neil paid very close attention to it. Neil spent most of it whispering catty comments to Todd to get him to laugh. “Does your aunt know that floral is a spring pattern, not autumn?”

And Todd spent most of it looking at different parts of Neil’s body. First his hands, then his thighs, then his shoulders, then his angled nose, his straight jawline. He couldn’t get comfortable on the wooden pews, shifting uncontrollably. To the point that Neil put his hand on Todd’s knee to hold him down. It just made Todd stare at Neil’s long fingers.

After the ceremony, all the guests made their way to the reception in a venue with a notably lovely sea view. Neil couldn’t stop gushing about it. “You know what they say, the ocean controls the weather, Todd.”

“Those are the Great Lakes,” Todd responded, “and I’m not even sure that’s true.” 

Neil radiated in the setting sunshine, looking between Todd and the ocean. The teal of his suit matched the ocean. But when Todd pointed that out, Neil said, “No, your eyes match the ocean.”

Before Todd could answer to that, Linda corralled them inside for dinner.

For an uncomfortably long time, Todd stared at Neil as they ate. How Neil’s teeth bit into the potatoes, how Neil’s lips pursed around the spoon when he ate the cake, how he gulped down his water between his champagne. 

Neil spoke with other Anderson family members, reiterating their script to coffee to dinner story. Todd didn’t speak to anyone very much, because he couldn’t stop looking at Neil’s bright smile and watching Neil laugh.

Todd still shook his leg like he did in the church, and like at the ceremony, Neil held Todd’s knee in his hand between courses. Todd shifted so he was more under the table, but Neil kept his hand there, even though no one could see. Admittedly, it made Todd feel calmer, and Neil’s fingers ever-so-slightly moving against his leg soothed him. At a certain point though, Neil’s hand traveled a bit up Todd’s thigh, and Todd wasn’t sure how to articulate ‘that’s kind of turning me on’ without sounding… oh, what’s the word?... Weird. But it turned Todd on! Especially when Neil grazed his inner thigh.

After dinner, the lights went low and it was time for the first dance of the newlyweds. The guests gathered around as the waltzing music began. Neil shuffled Todd to the front. “So you can watch, and you don’t have to be in the crowd,” he whispered. “I know it freaks you out.”

Todd looked over at Neil, to see that he slowly swayed his head to the music, almost instinctively, like he didn’t mean to, but he looked so peaceful anyway. And the spotlight on the married couple reflected off the floor and onto Neil’s cheeks, illuminating and shining like the moon. Completely flawless, and perfect for Todd to kiss. And oh God, this isn’t fake anymore.

Todd stepped away from the crowd near the wall, loosening his tie, swallowing hard. His feelings about Neil rush through his mind, a million miles an hour. This wasn’t supposed to be real, and now I want to kiss him tenderly in front of everyone. While he stood off to the side, that one Vance Joy song started playing, ‘Mess Is Mine.’

“Todd?” Neil whispered as he came up behind him, wrapping his arms around Todd’s waist. “Do you want to dance with me?”

Without thinking, Todd sank into Neil’s embrace and turned his head, finding his nose grazing Neil’s lips. “I’m not a very good dancer.”

“No one else here is,” Neil chuckled. “I’ll lead. It’ll be fun.” He took Todd’s hands and led him to the open space considered the dance floor. He placed his hand firmly on the small of Todd’s back, pushing Todd closer to his body. “I had an excellent conversation with your brother,” Neil said, leaning into Todd’s ear. “He told me that you were shy when you were a kid.”

Todd hoped that Neil couldn’t feel how his heart pounded through his chest. “Does that shock you at all?” he asked.

“Not at all, I’m just trying to get you to blush so it looks like I’m flirting with you.”

Todd glanced around at the other dancing couples. None of them stared. “I think we’ve convinced them, Neil.”

“And we’ve got to convince them to the end.” Neil pulled back to look at Todd. “Come on, say something that makes me smile.”

Todd chuckled, looking away. “I don’t know what to say.”

Neil used his finger to turn Todd’s face forward again. “You’re great with words, Todd. I’m sure you can come up with something.”

Todd licked and pursed his lips together. He didn’t know where to start. “Um… There’s a light in you, Neil—” This is gonna go poorly. “—in that you brighten every room. Late nights aren’t dark. And I could find you across town because no one’s eyes emanate the comforting gingerbread of childhood Christmases. Your voice sings in my soul, and your skin against mine soothes me. And your lips…”

Todd wanted to tear his eyes away from Neil’s mouth, but he couldn’t. He leaned forward and smushed their lips together. Neil’s lips were soft, and the champagne on his tongue tickled Todd’s. No matter which way they turned their heads or licked at each other’s lips, it wasn’t enough. Todd gasped between their slow kisses, before pulling away upon a solemn realization.

“Oh, God,” Todd whispered, eyes still shut, forehead against Neil’s. “None of this is real, is it?”

Neil jerked his head back. “What do you mean?” When Todd opened his eyes, he saw Neil’s acting facade had fallen, eyes wide, mouth slightly open.

“Um, I’m sorry, I didn’t…” Todd shook his head and stalked straight out the door. 

The soft summer air hit him in a massive wave. The area around him made him shiver. He already forgot how Neil’s hand held his, how Neil held him.

“Todd?” Neil called, slowly approaching. “Hang on, can we clear this up?”

Todd whipped around, eyes red. “Don’t… please, I still need a second.” He didn’t say anything for a moment, hand over his mouth, sighing low. “So, are we… we’re still faking this, right?”

Neil watched Todd silent, the second verse of the song playing faintly. “I mean, that’s what we agreed on, isn’t it? To fake it for today to get your parents off your back?”

“So everything we’ve done today, the way you’re talking to me, the way you’re touching me, the way you’re holding me, the way you just kissed me. None of that is real?”

Neil didn’t answer. Guilt washed over his face.

“I mean, I knew you were a good actor, a great one. I just… I don’t know what I thought was going to happen, but you’re making my stomach twist, Neil, and if this is all fake, I can’t just go back to being colleagues.” Todd’s voice cracked, and placing his hand over his mouth, he turned away from Neil, squeezing his eyes shut.

“Todd, what are you saying?” Neil asked, slowly stepping closer.

Todd tried to blink away his tears, looking up at the lilac sky. “I’m saying drop the act. And tell me I need to forget you.”

The crickets fill the silence. “What if this wasn’t an act?” Neil asked.

Todd turned to look at Neil, arms across this chest, hugging himself.

“What if everything I’ve said tonight I’ve wanted to say since the day I met you?” Neil stepped right in front of Todd, inches away. “And every way I’ve touched you I’ve dreamt every night for months? What if none of this was an act? And I could never just pretend to love you?” Neil carefully held Todd’s face in his hands, lightly stroking Todd’s tears away with his thumbs.

Todd blinked, catching his breath. “Oh?”

And they closed the space between their lips, sinking into each other. Todd wrapped his arms around Neil’s neck and turned his head to perfectly capture Neil’s lips in his, intaking Neil’s cologne. He smelled like daisies, and Todd loved daisies. Todd’s mind completely clouded; nothing existed except for Neil.

“There’s no act to drop, Todd,” Neil said breathless, keeping their faces close. “And I don’t want you to forget me.”

“How could I?” Todd asked with a small smile. “You’re exceptional, and… We oughta go on a few dates before I say ‘I love you’, huh?”

Neil laughed. “Haven’t we been? You think I made reservations at Gabriel Kreuther for you and I because I wanted to be friends?”

Todd narrowed his eyes. “You said a date cancelled…” Oh, you god damn idiot.

Neil didn’t say anything; he just put on a stupid grin.

“Do you want to go back inside?” Todd asked.

“Just a couple more minutes.” Neil took Todd’s hand and spun him around, collecting Todd into his arms, swaying around the lawn.