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Keith had never felt uncomfortable around Shiro. He has felt a range of emotion around the man but feeling uncomfortable was new. Up first Keith told himself it was because of the fight. Shiro remembered everything Kuron did, so maybe there was something unsaid. But Shiro would always talk to him if something was wrong. This was different. He wouldn’t even look at him. Keith kept glancing back at Shiro from where he piloted the Black Lion, thankful that his mom had taken Kosmo to the Blue Lion for now. He needed the private time to see what was wrong, because having Shiro back and yet almost ghost-like in presence only grew his unease.
“Shiro?” Keith finally spoke up, his dry throat making it harder to let his thoughts pour out. His frown grew when Shiro glanced down at him with a tired expression. “Are...you feeling alright? You’ve been quiet since your body stabilized.” It was an innocent question. For Keith he couldn’t understand what was wrong. Shiro seemed okay when he woke up.
“Things feel a little overwhelming right now. Sound and touch…” Shiro answered almost routinely, which made Keith wonder if Allura had been asking him questions as well. “I don’t really want to sit anywhere and I know your lion would be the most quiet.” The answer wasn’t bad, but Shiro wasn’t keeping a comforting tone. What made it worse was hearing Shiro continue an outward thought, “Pidge is an option too, isn’t she...I forget she enjoys quiet more than Matt.”
“You don’t have to stay with me, you know.” Keith couldn’t help but let the words slip, fighting to keep down the insult he felt at the oddly cold treatment Shiro was giving him. What happened to his warmth? He still had it when on comm with the others. Why was he different? “You’re...kinda making me feel like I’ve done something wrong.” Keith admitted on a soft breath, eyes dropping to his lap for a moment before glancing back to Shiro.
At least their eyes finally met. Shiro didn’t look confused at the confession, sighing as he tucked a thumb into his belt with a shift of his weight. “It’s complicated, Keith. You haven’t done anything wrong I just…” He closed his eyes for a moment before glancing away. “I feel Kuron as a part of me now. His memories and everything he did and felt keep swarming my mind. I don’t know what to do about it”
“What do you mean? Our fight?” Keith asked, worry overwhelming his own personal feelings over the fact Shiro was going to keep him in the dark about all of this.
“More than that, but...yes our fight is a big part of it.” At least Shiro did give Keith a gentle smile for the briefest of moments. “Don’t worry I know that wasn’t me. Or the other me, for that matter. That’s not what’s been bothering me.”
Keith blinked, feeling the hesitation of pressing on growing with each uncomfortable look from Shiro. Unfortunately, ignorance would only eat away at him. “What is it, then?”
“Did you mean as a brother?” Shiro asked, keeping his gaze away from Keith as he asked. Shiro was sure he wouldn’t have to explain the question, and the silence he was met with was enough to solidify that assumption.
“I…” Keith didn’t think that’s what would be brought up, but now all that worry for Shiro was replaced by fear and panic, hands tightening on Black’s controls. “That was…” Of course he didn’t mean it as a brother! Shiro had been like a brother figure to him, yes, but his emotions grew past platonic love at some point. But to admit it? Keith would have never done it if he hadn’t been pushed so hard. This just solidified his worries that Shiro would reject him.
“I see...” Shiro said, voice just above a whisper. He still wouldn’t look at Keith, either. “Keith, that’s what I really need to talk to you about. Kuron...he felt strongly about you. I mean, I do too but his stepped into romantic feelings. I can still feel them and they keep pushing into my mind when...when I don’t feel that way.”
Keith was stiff, eyes fixed on his hands even as Black pushed against his mind to help calm him. “But there were moments before where…” Where it seemed so obvious that there may have been more between them. Even someone like him could tell! “I…”
“I didn’t mean to ever give you the wrong idea, Keith. I’m sorry I know you and Kuron had...gotten physical before…” Shiro mumbled, foggy memories of Keith finding his clone in a dying ship. The comfort they had offered each other that night becoming more passionate. “But that wasn’t me. We didn’t have those moments, Keith.”
That had Keith whip his head around, the rumbles of Black in his mind fading as hurt turned to anger. “But you are both Shiro! Even if he was a clone he was still Shiro to himself! How could you feel so opposite of what he did?” It wasn’t right. “How do you know his feelings aren’t just surfacing yours!”
“Because I’m not in love with you!” Shiro snapped back. “I trust you with my life and you are my closest friend, but I don’t feel that way. I’m sorry Keith but the one who did isn’t here anymore. Maybe I’d feel differently if I hadn’t been dead this whole time, but I’m sorry.” Shiro stepped back as Keith kicked at one of the lower panels, choosing to just let the new Black Paladin cool down before talking more, if they ever do. “I’m going to call Krolia and switch Lions. Give you space…”
Keith growled to himself, teeth gritting together as he shook his head. “Because that’s what I want. To be separated from you again after getting you back.”
Shiro took a deep breath in response, stepping through the door to leave. “I’m sorry, Keith.” The quiet that followed Shiro’s absence dug into Keith’s chest, the Paladin doing everything in his power to fight back the tears. How was it that Shiro felt that way? Him and his mom had seen flashes of a happy life with Shiro in the future and yet there was nothing of this! What did he do wrong? Should he of saved Kuron and let Shiro stay trapped in the Black Lion?
The very thought made Keith sick. Would he have sacrificed Shiro just because he doesn’t love him? Is he really that selfish? What the fuck was wrong with him? The intrusive thoughts only calmed down once Black pushed her way in once more, and his mom was close behind in joining him in the cockpit.
There was assurance that the future could still be bright. That things would turn out okay over time. Keith had kept up that hope. Even when he had waited for Shiro to visit him in the hospital after the battle for Earth. Even when he waited for Shiro to sit with him to watch the sunset like they had done in the past. Even when he hoped Shiro would drag him around that stupid fair. Keith had hoped that after sacrificing the lions the peace would help heal the rift between him and Shiro. When Allura and Lance got married he hoped Shiro would spend the time with him. But there is only so much waiting someone can do before they start to cut themselves off.
Keith noticed Shiro with another man. They danced at the wedding together and sat together, so Keith assumed it was his plus one. He wanted to hope it was just a friend, but he wasn’t stupid. Lance even pointed out his own distaste over the situation, saying that him and Allura had assumed this would help bring Keith and Shiro back together. It was a nice thought, Keith admitted, but him and Shiro never even exchange looks anymore.
And how sad that it was, again, Lance who asked if Keith heard about the engagement. The news destroyed him. Even after doing his best to accept a life without Shiro the news crushed him. It destroyed every pillar he had built up so suddenly that Keith found himself breaking down in front of Lance and Allura at the news. Keith hated how angry they were when he finally told them about what happened years ago on the Black Lion. They shouldn’t be mad at Shiro for him choosing another person, but then again he was mad too.
Even so he went to the wedding. Not surprisingly Shiro spoke to him less than his now spouse. After a sparse conversation the man had lightheartedly said Keith wasn’t like how Shiro described. Keith made the mistake of asking what he meant.
“He said you would end up hurting me if I got too close. Honestly, Takashi can be dramatic with some things. For how worried he was about me inviting you, you seem as nice as all the other old Paladins!” The man didn’t mean anything to be rude. Keith could tell he was trying to be sweet and just wanting to talk, but that was too much. This person he didn’t know was who invited him. Shiro actually thought he would hurt someone over this? How...how was that man Shiro?
Keith excused himself, quickly passing Allura even as she tried to stop him. He wasn’t making it subtile that this was all too much for him. And it was disgusting luck that Shiro would slam right into him.
When was the last time they met each other’s gaze? Keith couldn’t even remember at this point. And maybe he would have just excused himself if Shiro hadn’t opened his mouth with a dismissive ‘excuse me’ as if he didn’t even see Keith as someone to talk to. That’s when Keith snapped. He had never punched anyone as hard as he did in his life. Through EVERYTHING it was this moment that had Keith unleash all the pent up range and returning that punch to the jaw Kuron had given him years ago. Keith expected a retaliation, but it turned out he had hit Shiro hard enough in the jaw to cause an MMA-style knock out...which got the reaction from everyone one would expect.
Keith was just lucky his mom, Allura, and Lance helped him out of the venue while Hunk, Kolivan, and Pidge dealt with the uproar and Shiro. It all felt wrong. This felt so wrong. Keith couldn’t stop shaking, mumbling things about how he had messed everything up somehow. His visions had shown him and Shiro happy he doesn’t know what he did to ruin that. Krolia couldn’t even get Keith to calm down as he gripped at his now messy loosely braided hair.
Something was wrong. Shiro would never tell someone bad things about him. He would never have dismissed him so coldly. This wasn’t right, nothing about this was right!
That’s when everything around him froze, the sound of cracking echoing in the distance before the world around him and those comforting him shattered apart and faded into a black void. Keith scrambled back, eyes searching the darkness as sounds of voices echoed around him. A flash of light in the distance pulled his attention from the rest of the void, stumbling over his feet as he started to run towards it.
He’s finally lost his mind, hasn’t he? Some crazy fuck who lost his mind over a man who hadn’t loved him getting married. How disgusting...how pathetic…
Even so Keith felt himself pulled towards the light, the voices around him growing louder until finally everything faded. No void or light. He couldn’t move, hear, see, or feel. It was a moment of complete stillness that was only interrupted by a sudden shout of his name in the distance. At that moment Keith felt his body gain weight. Someone was touching his face...there were hands on his arms…
Keith’s eyes snapped open, the sudden brightness blinding him for a moment as panic bubbled up at having people touching him. But as soon as the blindness was blinked away he was met with…Shiro? Shiro was the one holding his face. His hair was white but no glasses...no beard...wearing his captain uniform? Confusion overwhelmed the storm of other emotions flooding him at seeing Shiro once he noticed the others were here as well. They looked...younger. All of them? “W-Wha..t?” Keith’s voice cracked, realizing he couldn’t even lift his arms.
It was Shiro who did his best to relax Keith, gently explaining that after the Earth battle Keith had fallen into a coma. Keith asked about the robeast and the other Alteans which was met with confused looks all around. The robeast had nothing to do with Alteans. It was a last ditch effort by Sendak’s forces that had been set to activate upon Sendak’s Failure, that much they know.
All those memories and experiences had been...fake. They had been in his horrible mind this whole time. There was no plot to destroy all realities. No Alteans were being used. Fuck, Keith hated the whiplash. A whole life he had lived was false. All except...Shiro had still told him he didn’t love him. Still avoided him up until the battle. Keith expected that to continue, but Shiro stayed behind to talk to him. Apologized for how he had worded things and then avoided Keith. That he had been scared that he didn’t know what was him and what was Kuron. That Shiro had been terrified that the last interaction him and Keith really had was Keith hearing he didn’t love him.
It had been months, it turns out, Shiro had to dwell on everything. And yet even now after Keith told him everything his mind put him through Shiro had the gall to think HE had to apologize for it. And before Keith was even able to say something about how it wasn’t his fault he was pulled against Shiro’s chest and felt the shake of a sob. “I do love you Keith. Fuck I’m...I’m so sorry for what I said. I was scared of losing myself. Of being two people I didn’t even stop to realize we were one in the same, in a way. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry my words put you through all of that. I didn’t--”
Keith cut Shiro off, a shaky hand covering the captain’s mouth to shut him up. “Stop saying sorry…” He said softly, looking up at Shiro with sad eyes. “My mind made me live through a horrible life where you weren’t a part of it. I refuse to make the mistake in real life.” He smiled, tucking his face against Shiro’s chest. “As much as I tried, I never stopped loving you. But for right now...please...I just want you close.”
“I don’t plan to ever leave.”