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“Patrick!” The Captain’s voice held a note of warning, but his eyes were soft, and this gave Pat courage. “Pat, for the last time, I am telling you to stop with your nonsense.”
“What nonsense?” There was a twinkle in Pat’s eye, and despite himself, the Captain smiled.
“Clearly, you said last week that you were going to go running with me, and I don’t want to see you backing out of this one. Get into your running clothes, lickety split.”
“Lickety split? That sounds like something I’d say, mate,” Pat grinned, dragging himself off the couch. “And I did not, but I guess I do need the exercise, so it’s your lucky day, old man.”
Pat slapped the Captain’s back good-naturedly, and Cap quickly corrected his posture, looking at Pat softly through his bushy eyebrows. “Look here, Patrick. You are the same age as me, so please don’t give me that. Come on, chop chop. It’s beautiful outside! The birds are singing, the trees are in full bloom, and there’s running to be done.”
Pat groaned, but smiled. “And there’s coffee that hasn’t been drunk. Oh well. I’ll be out in a minute.”
Ten minutes later they were outside, Pat in full “trackies”, as he liked to call them, and the Captain in knee length shorts, and an oversized t-shirt that said “World’s Best Granddad” that Pat had gotten him as a joke. Pat adjusted his glasses and with an exaggerated gesture, gesticulated theatrically at Cap’s outfit, the skin around his eyes crinkling with joy. “You look gorgeous, mate. Really.”
Cap smiled, and as the gentle summer wind blew his grey hair out of his eyes, his expression softened as he gazed at the man that was the love of his life. In a moment of giddiness, he swept Pat into his arms and kissed him softly. It was 6am, Pat’s glasses were steaming up, and there was no one but the trees to see them. And they were both smiling.
Cap put Pat down. Pat stumbled a bit, tripping over his tracksuit bottoms that were slightly too long. “I’ll never get used to that,” Pat said, holding onto Cap’s arm to steady himself.
“Me picking you up? I can stop if you want, sorry, I just-” Cap was uncharacteristically flustered, and he looked so funny in his oversized t-shirt that Pat had to laugh.
“No, man. You being mine, I mean.” Holding out his hand, Pat looked at Ted through his large lenses, and the morning sun crept through the trees, illuminating the two men. To them, it felt that everything was okay. They had been married for twenty years now, but to them, it felt like they were only just beginning.
Teddy, the ex-Captain, took Pat’s hand. “Shall we?”
Pat gave a mock curtsey. “We shall.”
And as they ran, the pale sunrise creeping through the dark cracks of the sky like paint spilled on a canvas, their feet thumping on the ground like a heartbeat, the future seemed to stretch in front of them infinitely.
The heartbeat of thumping feet stopped. The Captain kept running for a few seconds, then turned around to find Pat standing in the middle of the road, eyes empty of emotion, soul devoid of smiles, just a man, standing in the middle of a road, as if scared to go on.
“What are you doing, Patrick? We’ve still got a while to go.” The Captain reached out his hands, as if to pull Pat to keep going, to save him from this stillness.
“What’s the point? I have no place in your sunrise.” Pat tipped his head gently to the side. His voice was hollow, like he was speaking into his coffee mug. A memory surfaced - Pat laughing into his mug at something stupid, a TV program maybe. But his voice was devoid of the warmth of laughter, like he wasn’t his Pat.
Just someone who had been gone for a long, long time.
“Teddy.” A smile finally surfaced, but it was too large, too big for his face, and spidery cracks filled his face, the cracks in his smiles and his future finally showing themselves for who they were. “Teddy, my darling .” When he said darling, the sky seemed to darken, except it didn’t, how could it? The Captain remembered this, they had ran for an hour, then gone back home together in a sweaty mess, and then watched movies on the couch, until Pat had fallen asleep in his lap.
And suddenly, suddenly. Ted knew what Pat was going to say.
“Stop it. Stop it, Pat, please. Stop it, we can save this, just please, keep running, I need you so much. Please. Don’t crack this illusion, I love you. We can still be together, just please, if you love me, please. Please. Please. PLEASE!”
Pat was impassive. He didn’t move, but his eyes softened for half a second. But it wasn’t enough. He opened his mouth, and the words, oh god, the words spilled out. And out came what the Captain had known all along, of course he’d fucking known.
“I’m dead, Teddy. I’ve been dead for the past five years.”
The last thing the Captain saw before the sky shattered was Pat’s blue eyes, and deep within them, an apology.
***
“Captain? CAPTAIN!” A honey-glazed voice; soft, husky. A voice that sounded like it had spent it’s life on the farm: a voice that told of someone used-to rain, to hopeful sunrises - a voice that knew how to create the perfect wicker basket and how to collect the creamiest bucket of milk.
“Mary, lower your voice. He told you not to call him that anymore.” A higher voice; holding a posh tinge, but rich with warmth, not money.
“He’s not answering. We’re going to have to break down the door.”
“Don’t be stupid! We’re not ruffians. As it happens, the Captain - and I don’t care what you say, I’m still going to call him the Captain, he deserves our utmost respect - told me where to find the spare key.”
“Come on, Fanny! I would’ve preferred to break down the door.”
“Could you all hush? I’m sure he’s just sleeping.”
“Come on, Robin, help me break down the door.”
“All of you, please be quiet!” Fanny’s tone suggested she would rather have not added the ‘please’. “The key is right here. Under the flower pot.” She paused, and there was tangible tension in the air. “Pat’s flower pot.”
Kitty spoke again, her warm voice shaking slightly. “No one mention Pat to him, okay? He’s still really sensitive. Today is the five year anniversary of…” No one dared speak. No one dared acknowledge the thing. The thing that had been hanging over all of their heads for years now.
Mary put her hand on her shoulder. “We all misses him, Kitty. It’s okay.”
Kitty choked up. “No. No, it’s not okay.” She took a deep breath. “But we’ve got to be strong for Teddy. He’s been taking this the hardest out of all of us.” Mary squeezed her shoulder encouragingly. “Remember when he shut himself away for months after it happened? We’ve got to be there for him.”
Fanny nodded. “Quite right. Now, are we going to break down - I mean, open up this door completely legally with this spare key?” She glared at Julian. When greeted with affirmative silence, she nodded curtly. “Good.”
She put the key in the lock, and slowly, the door creaked open.
“Captain?”
“Teddy?”
“Ted?”
Nothing. The hallway, empty. Dust coated every surface, and it would have been beautiful if the sunlight could penetrate through the black curtains. Maybe then, the group could have seen the mesmerising dance of the dust mites, and everything would not have felt so utterly bleak. Maybe then the layers of dust would not have reminded them in their very souls that these layers of dust were there because their friend could not bear to clean after their friend, and Teddy’s husband, Pat had died.
Inside, they knew, somewhere, the Captain was deep within the trenches of his mind, fighting his own war. The Captain’s pain ran deeper than any war he had ever remembered; it ran to his very core, a rot that had been there since the beginning, gripping his stomach and growing roots, tying his heart into knots. His house stank of mildew and pain; and spoke of a pain that could not be touched or moulded or hugged away. It stank of a hurt that could not be mended with the unconditional love of friends; not with drink, or laughter, or drugs, or tears. It could not be mended, and the Captain didn’t want it to.
Because Pat wasn’t dead, couldn’t they see ? Everything was fine; he was still alive in the trenches of his mind, a place where there was sunlight and kisses and long runs in the small hours of the morning, when the world hadn’t loaded in yet. Where there was Pat.
Pat was alive , and no amount of truth or spidery cracks in his consciousness could convince the Captain otherwise.
“I think he’s asleep,” someone whispered. Thomas, maybe.
“We’ve got to get him out of there,” Humphrey said, and there it was. The words that had gone unsaid - they had to help the Captain. They had to pull him out from the world that he had created for himself, a perfect world of his memories. They had to help him, because he had shut himself away for too long.
“Captain?” Fanny called, and within the core of the house, a groan was heard. The door creaked, a pathetic sound. And within, the dust was on everything; the dust mites did not dance, they did not dare move when in the presence of this grief.
The Captain was lying on the floor, unmoving. Robin crept up, and touching his face gently, quickly withdrew his hand when he felt the still wet tears that stained his cheeks.
Eventually it was Fanny who took the matter into her own hands. With her shrieking voice and her sharp demeanour, she ordered everyone to open the curtains, and the sun, with its gentle kiss, finally penetrated the layers of dust on everything. Mary took it upon herself to clean all the surfaces, whistling a cheerful tune, a cheesy song about friendship and love. Robin and Julian, with a resigned air of ironically reluctant teamwork, with effort hoisted the Captain into an armchair. Thomas just sighed.
“I do wish he would wake up,” Thomas said, his voice holding a genuine tremor. “This is strange, isn’t it?”
“What’s that?” Humphrey called from the kitchen, as he stirred two sugars into a cup of tea, the way the Captain liked it.
“This, I mean. It was always the Captain who was helping us out, before…” He trailed off. “This might be the first thing we’ve actually worked on since… Well, the last time we tried to help him.”
“That was a week ago, Thomas. Though we may have to come round more often. It looks like he hasn’t eaten for three days.” Fanny gave a sad smile.
“Order a pizza, christ.” Julian tripped over a bottle as he and Robin collapsed onto a couch. “Fuck! Okay, what is up with these bottles? That is a lot of booze, even for me.” Julian winked and gave the universally accepted gesture for drinking.
Everyone ignored him. “Poor Teddy,” Kitty sighed. “He was always such a walrus about drinking, wasn’t he? Never drank a drop. He even told me he was disappointed in me the first time I went out drinking.” Kitty’s eyes dropped.
Humphrey came in with a cup of tea. “I remember that! Then Pat told him to lighten up, and I guess he did.” Humphrey placed the tea on a little table, and leant back to admire the handiwork the gang had done to the house. “Hey, nice job, guys! You did good.”
“Thanks, Humphrey,” Kitty replied, but her voice was hollow.
Humphrey frowned. “Listen to me. All of you, listen to me.” Julian started, and tripped again, stubbing his toe. He cursed.
“Sorry, sorry, OW, FUCK, yeah, I’m listening, sorry, Humphrey,”
“As I was saying,” Humphrey glared at Julian, but his eyes were soft. “We need to stop treating Cap like something fragile. When he wakes up, we need to be the people he’s always loved. It’s tough, but slowly, we need to learn to be able to smile when we hear Pat’s name, rather than frown. We have to be the people he needs, but we also need to be ourselves.” Humphrey tried to smile. “Sorry, I’m not articulating myself very well. Basically, he’s Teddy. We love him.”
“Three cheers for Teddy!” Robin shouted, and abruptly got kicked by Julian.
“Robin, he’s sleeping. I would have thought you of all people would be more considerate,” he said, with a pointed smile.
“Says the one who was screaming ‘FUCK’ literally two minutes ago,” Robin replied with a glare.
“Everyone be quiet!” Fanny called out.
“I thinks he’s waking up!” Mary said breathlessly.
The Captain’s eyes slowly dragged open, and in that moment he looked so utterly vulnerable that despite themselves, the group felt so sorry for him that it felt as if their hearts would burst.
“Hey, guys.” His voice was strained, as if he had been singing. Or screaming.
“Teddy!” Kitty smiled. “We were waiting for you to wake up.”
“Wake up?” The Captain looked around. “Oh. Oh. I was just with Pat.”
Humphrey pulled up a chair. “That sounds wonderful, but you need to eat, man.”
The Captain seemed not to have heard them. “It was the first time we met. He was working at the cafe. I was so convinced I wasn’t gay. I kept trying to convince myself that I wasn’t in love with him.”
Mary touched his arm. “I knows. I was there. I worked there.”
Fanny did not touch him, but there was kindness in her eyes when she said, “Would you like to tell us about it?”
And with a slight tremble in his voice, the Captain began.
The Captain didn’t realise places like this actually existed.
Everything was so goddamn cute. England wasn’t supposed to be cute, was it? Sure, in the catalogues and magazines made for Americans it was all cobbled streets and top-hats and tea and “how d'ye do?”, but in reality everyone knew that this wasn’t the case. The Captain knew too many rainy winter days and had been splashed by a car too many times to be naive.
And yet. Here was this cafe, a place he had never noticed since he had arrived at this village two months ago. He had needed a change of pace from the city, a place where the people didn’t make eye contact and pushed past you and didn’t see him. But here it was different. He didn’t know if he liked people’s pitying smiles, or their polite conversation.
Here it was, this perfect, goddamn British house that bragged to be a Tudor cottage reinvented as a cafe, all thatched roofs and creaky doors and twinkling eyes; students poring over their work, coffee that was bitter and sweet and just too goddamn perfect for a man like the Captain.
How had he never noticed it before? He felt so out of place inside. A young girl, maybe eighteen, looked up from her seat at a table, made eye contact with the Captain, smiled, and then got back to her work. The Captain stood there, fiddling with his hands, not really knowing what to do. In truth, he was autistic, and had never got the hang of acting like he belonged somewhere.
“Can I help yous?” someone said. Oh fuck, they had figured him out. He looked up, and the girl behind the counter smiled at him warmly. There was dirt on her face, and he wondered whether he should tell her. Her hair was stuffed into a cap on her head and she wore a blue and yellow dress that made her look like a Stuart farmer.
He tried his best to smile. “Oh, sorry, I’m just new around here, uh, what do you have on selection?”
She smiled kindly. “Don’t you worries about it. The menus behind me, but I can gets you a pumpkin spice latte on the house since it’s your first time here.” Mary, her name tag said. “Hopefully the first time of many.” She winked.
The Captain was strangely touched. “Thank you! I mean, that won’t be necessary. I am perfectly capable of paying for myself.” Realising he sounded defensive, he tried to backtrack. “I mean, sorry -”
“I know what you means! Don’t worry about it. We’ll be ready with your coffee in a few minutes. Takes a seat, honey.”
“Thank you, Mary. It was absolutely lovely to meet you,” he smiled, and this time, it was genuine.
Awkwardly, he took a seat in the corner of the room. As he sat there, his back as straight as a poker, he saw a man walk in. He wore a funky jumper composed of geometric shapes, like he was trapped in the 80s, with large glasses that he was constantly adjusting.
Looking back, the Captain would have liked to say that the first thing he noticed about Pat was his eyes. His blue eyes which were accentuated by the frames around them; the way the skin around his eyes crinkled when he smiled. But that wasn’t true.
The first thing the Captain noticed was the comfort. The comfort of his sweater, the comforting way he looked at you and made you feel seen, and yes, the comfort of his blue eyes.
Oh god, he was coming over. What was he supposed to say to him? The Captain was barely given enough time to panic before the man spoke.
“Sorry, mate, it seems every seat in the house is taken tonight,” he said with a grin. “Mind if I sit here? Not that you look lonely or anything, I think you look quite happy to be here. It’s just I’ve never seen you around before, also, I’ve got no bloody choice.” The Captain looked around, and yes, every seat in the cafe was indeed taken.
“I’m Pat, by the way,” he smiled. “Pat Butcher. Local scout master. Can I just say how spectacular it is to see a new face around here. You should see the lot we’ve got over here! If you met Julian you’d know what I mean.”
“Hello, Patrick!” He cringed. God, he sounded like an idiot. “And I don’t suppose I’d be staying for long. Your ‘lot’ as you call them are a bit too polite for me.” The Captain leaned in, as if confessing a secret. “You see Mary over there? She offered me a pumpkin spice latte for free! What kind of person does that?”
Patrick let out a genuine laugh. “Get used to it, mate. When you’re living here, everyone isn’t just nice, they’re weird nice. But you don’t have to worry about me. I’ll be really mean to you if that’s more your cuppa tea.”
“I don’t think that will be necessary, Patrick,” The Captain smiled. “I’m the Captain, by the way.”
Pat leaned in. “What’s your real name? Or is that part of your tragic backstory I’ll have to unlock as I talk to you more?”
The Captain smiled. “I’m afraid my answer will be in the affirmative. You don’t get to hear my name until you buy me a chocolate brownie, and you talk to me enough times. Christ, have you ever played a video game?”
Pat grinned. “And how long will that take?”
“Months, maybe. Years, probably.”
“Because you, the Captain, Mr. ‘everyone here is too nice’, are just that mysterious,” he replied with a twinkle in his eye.
“Exactly! Now you’re catching on, Patrick.”
Pat got up. “Where are you going?” The Captain asked.
Pat winked. “You wanted a chocolate brownie, didn’t you mate?”
The Captain got up. “No, no, I insist, it was a joke, you don’t have to.”
Pat did it, though. Of course he did. That was Pat. He did everything, if he could help it.
“A chocolate brownie! You’re a man after my own heart.”
Mary smiled sadly. “I remembers that. You were so uptight all the time.”
“Yeah! A proper walrus, as Kitty would say,” Julian called across the room.
“Alright,” The Captain replied, grumpily. “No need to be rude.”
Kitty smiled, attempting to lighten the mood. “Didn’t you literally tell him your name the next day? You were never good at keeping secrets.”
The Captain grimaced. “Yes. He didn’t even have to try. I was just an open book, ready for someone to listen to me. It’s quite pathetic, really.”
“It’s not pathetic! It just means you’re human,” Kitty said, earnestly. Fanny nodded behind her.
“Yeah, yeah. Cut to the bloody chase.” Julian came up behind the Captain’s chair. “You need to get out, mate. Leave your house.”
“Julian! Stop it,” Fanny said.
The Captain’s eyes became cloudy and impassive. “No,” he said. “And don’t call me mate.”
“He’s got a point,” Robin said in his gruff way. “You need to leave. Though Julian was rude about it.”
“Shut up, Robin,” Julian muttered.
“And what? Leave Pat? I’m staying right here with him.” The Captain’s eyes became glazy, lost in a world of his own devising. “He’s right here! Behind you, Robin! Are you suggesting I leave my own husband while I go mingle with this world filled with dirt and rot and fake mourners and happiness? Do you think I want to see the world laugh at my pain when I can have my own happiness right here?”
It was Kitty who broke the silence. “There’s no one here, Teddy. He’s gone.”
Thomas took the Captain’s hand. “He’s been gone for the past five years. And I know you loved him, but he would’ve wanted you to move on! Do you want to wallow in your own filth for years to come?”
The Captain put his head into his hands. “None of you loved him. None of you. None of you understand.”
Kitty was silently sobbing. “Don’t say that, Teddy. Please. You were my dads. You saved my life when I had no one. You were there for me when my family couldn’t be. I love you both more than anyone.”
***
The Captain walked into the cafe to find Kitty in floods of tears.
Mary and Fanny were standing next to her, attempting to stem the flow with tissues and hugs, as well as a seemingly endless supply of chocolate cake. The Captain could barely hold back his shock - Kitty! Sure, he had begun to suspect that her constant positivity could be a defence mechanism, but it was still a great shock to find this hysterical show of emotion in his world where there was none.
The Captain had quickly become a regular at the cafe, becoming seamlessly (or so he thought) integrated into their little community. Mary always lit up the room with a smile whenever he skulked through the door, Pat was always there with a chat and a chocolate brownie, and Fanny had quickly become one of his closest friends. He had met Julian once, and didn’t really care for the man, but there was something comforting about talking with a man who was so uninhibited, so uncaring, that he found himself drawn into Julian’s world. Julian seemed to know everybody - or everyone seemed to harbour a universal dislike for him, and so the Captain got to know Thomas, Robin, and Humphrey, and soon found himself in a world of loud laughter and friendship.
They loved him, that much was true. The Captain’s presence was always a welcome one in their cafe; and his integration into their lives seemed to be just what the motley crew needed. So today, when he found Kitty, happy, smiling, sunshine girl Kitty drowning in her own sorrow, he felt a lump in his throat and didn’t know what to say.
He attempted to sidle up to the table she was sitting at, trying to catch her sobs as they flew out of her mouth breathlessly.
“She just doesn’t FUCKING GET IT! I try so hard all the fucking time, and she just hates me, she FUCKING HATES ME! What did I ever do to her? EVERYTHING! I did everything for her! And I try to do one fucking thing for myself, one thing I can do to take my life back into my control, and she kicks me out.” She buried her face in her hands and muttered something inaudible.
The Captain pulled up a chair next to her. “Katherine, Katherine, what could possibly be the matter?”
Kitty looked up with a fierce look, but the type of angry look a wounded deer gives a hunter. Her anger faded when she saw it was the Captain.
“My sister kicked me out.” The tears started afresh. “I don’t even fucking care that much, except it makes me so goddamn angry! My mother always expressed that it was her dream for ‘us girls to live together,’” she curled her fingers into quotation marks when quoting her mother. “That was before she died. Now my sister thinks she’s got some goddamn monopoly on my mother’s love! I was just as much her daughter as she was! I don’t fucking deserve this!” She punched the table. “Anyway, I’m homeless now, apparently.” She buried her face in her arms, collapsing onto the table.
The Captain was utterly shocked. He’d known that Kitty’s sister was a dick, of course, but he never knew that she was capable of this. Shaking Kitty’s shoulders gently, he pulled Kitty’s head out of her arms and grabbed her shoulders to make her look at him. Ordinarily, he was uncomfortable with touch, but for some reason he knew that it was important to keep Kitty grounded in the moment.
“Why?” His voice was barely a whisper, so he cleared his throat, and louder: “Why would she do this?”
Kitty looked up, and for the first time, made eye contact with the Captain. “Because I’m a lesbian, goddamit.”
It was just that moment when Pat walked through the door, and caught a glimpse of the scene in front of him: Kitty’s shoulders collapsing with relief and sorrow, having just come out; the Captain, his hand on Kitty’s shoulders; Fanny’s expression soft for once.
Pat walked over, purposeful. He leant down, his kind eyes level with Kitty’s. “You’re a lesbian?” he asked gently.
Kitty’s breath caught in her throat. “Yeah.” Tears fell down her cheeks in a stream. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, barely audible.
Suddenly, Pat swooped Kitty up into a crushing bear hug. With a failed attempt to pick her up, they both collapsed to the floor in a heap of tears and joy.
“Well, that’s bloody amazing, isn’t it?” he grinned. “Think of all the things you can do now that you’ve figured it out! A whole new world of possibilities, and without the limitations of those silly boys.” He winked at the Captain. “Though, I’m one to talk. As a raging bisexual I love nothing more than those silly boys I’m insulting.”
The Captain had been silent the entire time, but now he spoke. “You’re bi?”
Pat grinned. “Yeah! But enough about me, Kitty, we have to go shopping. Oh! I’ve got wonderful queer music I need to introduce you to as well! You’ll love it.” Pat was practically vibrating with excitement.
Pat was so excited, the Captain could barely breathe. Teddy found himself mesmerised by Pat, this wonderful man, who had managed to quell the grief and pain of family hatred with his eccentric airs and his accepting arms. He just seemed to bumble through life, with understanding and those bright blue eyes that really seemed to see you, really seemed to understand you more than you understood yourself.
Oh . He loved him.
Oh fuck. No, he couldn’t love Pat. Could he? He wasn’t gay. He had never been gay. But when he stared at Kitty, why was it that he could see his own pain reflected back at him? Why did he want to be a better father to Kitty than his own father could ever be to him?
All Teddy had done was kiss a boy on the cheek. All he’d done was ask if he could take dancing lessons. All he’d done was ask if it was okay to look at a boy like that.
Like what? his dad had asked.
Like what, indeed.
Over time, he’d come to associate this “like that”, this thing that felt natural to him, the innocent kisses on the cheeks and the way he looked at a boy for slightly too long, he’d come to associate this love and comfort with the crack of a belt. With the word “sin”. With pain, with tears, with the threat of an open door and a world in which he was alone. He’d come to associate love with pain.
That’s what love was, though, wasn’t it? That’s what it was all about.
So he wasn’t gay. He wasn’t in love. He couldn’t be, because then he’d be looking at a boy “like that”.
The crack of a belt. A bloody nose. No kisses, no blue eyes, no comfort, just pain, and the raw stench of the hatred behind this one three letter word. Gay.
But when he looked at Pat, he felt as if things could be different. The definition of love seemed different, and seemed to contain so many possibilities. The crack of the belt and the hard voice replaced itself with soft smiles, blue eyes and brightly-coloured jumpers.
When he looked at Kitty, he felt that things could be different for her, with Pat by her side. But it wasn’t just Pat. Pat had given him courage to make things different. To stand up and say - this is wrong.
So when Pat had stopped talking and sat sipping on a coffee, Teddy finally had the courage to speak.
“Katherine, come live with me. I can provide for you while you get back on your feet. And we’ll all be here for you. I’m sure Patrick will agree.”
“Of course, mate! But Kitty, you didn’t tell me you got kicked out?” he asked with a concerned air.
But Kitty was looking at the Captain. “I couldn’t possibly, oh God, I’m so sorry to burden you, I-”
Teddy smiled. “Don’t worry about it. We’ll help you through this.”
Pat smiled gently at Teddy, and with a soft gaze, he touched the Captain on his shoulder, and for once, Teddy didn’t recoil. “Thank you,” he mouthed.
—
The group was silent, lost in these memories.
Kitty wiped the tears from her face. “I get so happy when remembering Pat. And then I remember.” She looked up. “He was so joyful, so happy to help everyone else. How can people like that just leave?”
The Captain shook his head. “No. He was human. He suffered like everyone else, he was just willing to put that aside for the sake of others. When we got married, we promised to each other that we would always help each other through anything. We were both broken, in a sense. It’s just our broken bits that allowed us to fit together perfectly.”
Mary patted his shoulder. “That’s beautiful, Teddy.”
Suddenly, the Captain broke down sobbing. No one really knew what to do, they just stared as the Captain cried. His tears were like a tidal wave; like all the alcohol in his system washing out, like his thoughts breaking against his mind, wearing away his emotions, slowly. He sobbed until his voice ran dry, and nothing surfaced from his ragged throat other than silent shrieks, like a dying man gasping for oxygen.
When he finally stopped sobbing, he wiped his tears away, and there he was. He was Teddy again, composed, serious and loving.
“Oh god, I miss him so much,” the Captain whispered.
Fanny didn’t touch the Captain, didn’t even try to make eye contact with him. She just spoke, as she always did, because she knew he would listen.
“To me,” her voice caught, so she tried again. “To me, he was hope.” Everyone watched her, hanging on to her words. “He, or rather, both of you - you made me realise,”
“Realise?” Kitty prompted.
“Well, that I’m…” She swallowed. “I’m,” The silence was deafening. Everyone held their breath, waiting. Waiting for something. Anything.
Fanny released her breath. “It doesn’t matter. May I speak about my favourite memory of you two, if you’ll permit me?”
Everyone internally sighed, but knew they couldn’t rush Fanny into saying what she needed to say. The Captain nodded, a silent understanding between him and Fanny hanging in the air. Some things never change, he thought.
Fanny took a deep breath, and began to speak.
The two men were sitting in their spot in the corner, conversing quietly, shut up from the world. The rest of the group just left them alone when they were together, knowing it was something they couldn’t intrude upon. There is something so very beautiful about seeing two people who just get each other, and today, Mary, Fanny and Kitty just watched them from the other side of the room.
Kitty sighed.
“What is it, Katherine?” Fanny said, annoyed. She was tired, antsy and she had chosen to wear a corset today, for some unknown reason, and she was uncomfortable.
Kitty smiled dreamily. “Don’t you think Pat and the Captain would be perfect for each other?”
Fanny gave an appalled expression. “Patrick and the Captain? Don’t be stupid, Kitty. You’re letting your youth get in the way of seeing clearly.” But she couldn’t help looking, and secretly, she knew Kitty was right. But they made her so angry.
She was so goddamn lonely. And inside, she knew it was past her time. She had wasted her youth on people who couldn’t give a fuck about her, on a future that had never felt natural. She had wasted so much time on trying to feel like a relationship with a boy was something tangible, kidding herself that it was something she wanted, kidding herself that the very thought of kissing a boy didn’t make her want to claw her eyes and then stab herself over and over and over again.
It was the fact that it seemed so easy for Pat and the Captain. So easy for Pat to lean closer to the Captain with a twinkle in his eye, to talk excitedly about his day, and so easy for the Captain’s defences to break down, and for him to listen with a keen interest. So fucking easy. So why weren’t they together, yet? They were a constant reminder of her struggles, and they had it so goddamn easy, so why did it always have to be hard?
Across the room, Pat and the Captain were quietly talking. It wasn’t an argument, exactly, but Pat was strangely indignant.
“No, mate, that’s fucking bullshit. Are you telling me you never realised for a second in your life that this was wrong? That maybe your dad shouldn’t be fucking beating you for… what? Having some feelings about a guy?”
The Captain slammed his hands on the table. “I did not have feelings for a boy. I have never looked at a boy like that in my life. If I did, he put a stop to it. I am not a homosexual, and never will be.”
Pat was close to tears. “Don’t you see? He put this idea in your head. So what do you think about me? I’m bisexual, don’t you know?”
The Captain waved his hands. “You know I’m supportive of you, Patrick. And I’ve been supportive of Kitty as well.”
Pat cupped the Captain’s face in his hands. “Then why is it so hard for you to accept that you might be gay? That maybe your dickwad of a dad conditioned you to believe that these feelings are wrong? Maybe you should accept it’s good and pure to love boys, and there’s not a single thing wrong with you?”
The Captain’s heart stopped. How could he concentrate on his own pain when such a beautiful man as Pat was in front of him? How could his dad ever expect him to live in this world pure and sinless when such wonderful temptation was in front of him?
Suddenly, the Captain began to cry. A silent, real crying, a type of crying which had known the truth all along.
“Pat,” he whispered. “Pat.”
Pat reached across and took the Captain’s hands in his own. “I’m here, Cap. You’re fine.”
“Pat. I’m gay,” he cried, quietly.
“I know,” Pat whispered. “You’re okay.”
“No,” he sobbed. “Pat.”
“You’re fine.”
“Pat.”
“You’re okay, you hear me? I’m here,” Pat said softly.
And suddenly Pat kissed him. It was soft, it was pure, and when he kissed him, all thoughts of pain and cracking belts were cast from his mind. Just the taste of a pumpkin spice latte, the feeling of skin on skin, and warmth. He felt giddy, like he needed to laugh, or to cry, because how had he wasted his whole life in pain and never experienced the warmth of someone soft, someone who loved him? How many others were wasting away, with their entire futures stolen away from them?
Across the room, Fanny felt like crying. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t goddamn fair.
Pat stood up, in his brightly coloured jumper, one that he insisted on wearing even in the summer. With a little dance, he clapped his hands to get the attention of everyone in the room.
“I just wanted to announce that this is Teddy, my boyfriend!” and suddenly everyone in the cafe started clapping. It was a quiet day, so everyone there knew the Captain and Pat, and yet it felt like it was time to announce themselves to the world. Like it was time to stop hiding.
As Fanny watched, hope flared in her heart. Here were two men, about the same age as her, and they were in love! They had their whole lives ahead of them to love, and so did she.
It was never too late for her, she realised. She could go out and have fun and live her life, and she could be free to love who she chose. Even though it made her want to tear her hair out at all the time she had lost being afraid. Even though she was still afraid.
But it didn’t matter. Pat Butcher and the Captain. Two men in love, and they gave her hope.
The Captain was silent for a few moments before saying, “I remember that. Did you know he struggled with his identity too?”
Thomas started. “Really? He always seemed so comfortable in his own skin. It’s strange to think of him as someone who ever struggled to accept himself.”
The Captain sighed. “Yes, you’re right. I guess we all idealise him, don’t we? We have so many good memories, and in all of them he was just something to us. He was never just Pat.”
“I guess that’s just human nature, isn’t it?” Humphrey said, sadly. “That man lived for others. I don’t think I’m making that up. I always tried to be like him, you know. But really, he was just as broken as the rest of us.”
The group sat in silence for a while.
Then Julian spoke. “Are all of you fuckers gay?” he said, lightheartedly. “Does our entire group just revolve around really gay antics? Because if so, I’m not really happy being the only straight person here.”
Robin butted in. “Liar! What about that time you and me-”
“Rattattatatatata! We don’t talk about that.” Julian interrupted.
“Suit yourself,” Robin groaned.
Despite himself, the Captain smiled. “I’m glad you all came here.”
Kitty smiled. “You’re welcome, you big old sop!”
“Yeah, you soppy bit of rag,” said Mary.
“So,” Fanny said. “Are you ready to leave your house?”
The Captain put his head into his hands. “Please… just give me a bit more time. I know I can do it.”
Thomas cheered. “Well, that’s something, at least.”
“Yeah, we’re proud of you, mate.” Humphrey said, encouragingly.
With a sad smile, the Captain leaned back in his chair, and closed his eyes.
***
He knew as soon as the police came to the door.
He had begged Pat not to go out. It was too dark - too snowy, too dangerous. He couldn’t bear anything to happen to his husband.
Pat had gotten a call from Julian. Mary was in hospital after being assaulted in the streets. Pat had cursed, and had grabbed his coat, running for the car to visit her. The Captain hadn’t cajoled too hard, in truth - Pat would have stayed if he begged a little harder. But he didn’t. He drove off into the snow, to visit his friend. Selfless to the goddamn grave.
When the police came to the door, he knew, goddamn it. He knew, and when they told him that his husband was dead, he collapsed to the floor, shaking. But he didn’t sob. He didn’t cry. He just lay there, alone. Because Pat wasn’t dead. How could he be dead? How could Pat, his husband, the man that showed him hope, ever be dead?
How could someone just stop existing like that?
And in that moment, the Captain knew that he would have traded every single one of his friends for his husband back. And he hated himself, he fucking hated himself, that he wanted to claw his eyes out, to swallow bottles after bottles of pills to forget his pain and to join his love, the one person who understood him, the one person who fucking saw him.
After the police left, he clawed at the curtains and tore them down, screaming his name into the heavens. He screamed at the god that had caused him to live half his life in denial, he screamed at his father for fucking traumatising him, and he screamed at Pat.
He screamed at Pat for leaving him.
After a while, he stopped screaming. He stopped screaming and he collapsed in his chair, and he found ways to visit Pat. Alcohol was good, but that was temporary. Drugs were better, but sleep was his cure. He stimulated his world until he could not tell reality from dreams, and he didn’t want to. He began to despise his friends for trying to pull him out of this reality, for trying to pull him away from Pat. He despised Mary for killing Pat.
But most of all, he despised himself. So he did everything to try to get away from his body. He did everything to not feel like a human. He did everything to stop being.
The Captain had spent a lot of time in this memory, thinking about what could have been different. But this time, he knew that it was. Pat was never supposed to be here. And yet, when he looked up, he was there.
Pat smiled at him, with his crinkly eyes, with his kind look and his understanding gaze. It was so much Pat that it hurt the Captain, it hurt so much to see what he lost.
“Hey, Cap,” and god dammit, it was his voice. It was his Pat, and his heart squeezed.
“Hello, Patrick,” and his voice was hoarse, like he’d been crying. “I don’t think you belong in this memory.”
Pat smiled. “No, I dare say I don’t.” Pat looked around. “Nice place you got here. Bit depressing if you ask me, but we always had different tastes.”
The Captain could barely speak. “How can you joke about…” he trailed off. “Oh Pat, I miss you so much.”
“I miss you too, Teddy. I miss you so much too. But you can’t live like this.”
The Captain began to cry. “I know, I goddamn know, okay? I know I’m hurting all my friends, I know, but I can’t bear to look at them. They’re just a reminder that you’re not here.”
Suddenly, Pat hugged the Captain. “You know,” and he looked into his eyes, “I don’t appreciate you talking about my friends like that.”
“What?” he couldn’t help but laugh. “What?”
“I may be dead, but I’m not blind. Do you really think for a second that I would want you shutting yourself away like this? That I want you to discount everything you’ve ever done for your friends?”
“Everything… I’ve done?”
“Of course! Do you really think they don’t care about you? Well, then you’re even stupider than I thought. Of course they bloody care about you, mate. You’re the Captain. You’re my husband. You’re my favourite person, and I love you. And they bloody love you too.”
The Captain shook his head. “They love you, Pat. Not me. They’re here because they pity me, and they love you.”
Pat kissed the Captain gently. “You silly goose. How could you shut yourself up and deprive the world of your beauty? Of your joy?”
The Captain looked so utterly lost that Pat kissed him again.
“Let me put this another way. Have you really spent half your life being shut away from your future just to shut yourself away again?” Pat hugged him, and the warmth emanating from him gave him strength. And as Pat faded away, the Captain knew what he needed to do.
When the Captain opened his eyes again, the group were lounging around the room, talking amongst themselves. He cleared his throat, and all the eyes snapped back to him.
“I’m ready to come back.”
The cheer that emanating would take an infinite amount of monkeys with an infinite amount of typewriters with an infinite amount of time to truly describe, but it rocked Teddy to his very core, and inside, he felt an emotion close to happiness. The warmth from the hug propelling him, Teddy got to his feet. Fanny looked at Teddy, and as if asking for permission, took his hand.
Mary, in a fit of energy, leapt at the Captain and tackled him in a hug. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, so only he could hear.
“I’m sorry too,” said the Captain, and he meant it. Mary took his hand, and together, they walked to the front door.
It was 6am, and the sunrise was just rearing its pretty head over the trees. It felt like a new beginning, and suddenly, the Captain felt sick. He wanted to run back inside, curl up in a ball, and cry. But he couldn’t hide away forever.
With a deep breath, and with his friends right beside him, he stepped out the door.
Into a new sunrise.