Work Text:
Saying goodbye to Kinjou and Tadokorochi had been strange, not to mention a wide eyed Onoda, practically glowing with ‘England?! Thats so cool Makishima senpai!’ and promising to write him letters.
Goodbyes like that have never been particularly hard for Makishima though. He doesn’t find them difficult in an emotional sense per se, but rather because they’re a foreign feeling. Its the change they imply that can be hard to swallow.
So why does this goodbye have to be so onerous? Why has it taken me this long?
The morning light seeping through the glass casts shadows on the white floor of the departures terminal and catches in Makishima's iridescent hair. It reflects off the water on the far side of the runway too, sparkling gold against deep blue, and for some reason the blue makes him think of the mountains. Mountains he knows are just on the other side of the Tokyo skyline.
He’ll miss climbing the most while he’s in England. London is home to notoriously flat terrain, and although Ren did say that the University’s road racing team sometimes travels to the French alps to train, he hasn’t decided if he’ll be joining the team in his first year. He can imagine Toudou’s annoying voice lecturing him “You have to train Maki-chan! You have to stay in top condition so we can race when you get back!”
‘But Jinpachi wouldn’t say that because you haven’t told him you’re leaving’
It would be a lie to say Makishima hadn’t thought about telling Toudou. Of course he had. On more than one occasion. But thinking and saying something out loud are different. Once you say something out loud it becomes an inescapable reality.
Now, as he stands by the large expanse of thick paned windows, looking out over the tarmac of Tokyo International Airport, the reality couldn't be any more inescapable anyway.
Makishima reaches for his phone, drawing it from his pocket and flipping it open. The screen displays recent activity. One message from Kinjou wishing him a safe flight and about fifty from Toudou about nothing in particular. How usual.
His grip tightens on the green flip phone. Just as he contemplates pressing the call button, thumb hovering above the contact that reads ‘Jinpachi’, an announcement sounds over the loudspeaker informing that British Airways flight 5249, direct from Tokyo to London will be boarding momentarily.
Makishima sighs and presses the fingers of his free hand to his temple. He thinks back to the first time he contemplated telling Toudou about his university plans. It would have been so much easier if he could have just gotten it over with then.
~
It was after the awards ceremony on the final day of the Interhigh.
“Maki-chan, answer you phone!” Toudou had scolded, catching up to him behind the Sohoku tent where Makishima was heading to help transport their things to Kanzaki’s van for the drive back to Chiba. “Congratulations! Th-that was a good race, wasn’t it?”
Makishima knows Toudou well enough to register the disappointment behind his cheery tone and pretty smile. His eyelashes are spiky too, and his deep blue eyes tinged red around the edges as though he’s been crying. Of course Manami wasn’t the only one to shed tears over Hakone’s loss. Makishima knows what it feels like to loose a race by such a small margin, and thats what he sees in Toudou’s eyes.
“Yeah it was, sho” he answers simply.
“I wish we could have raced for the finish instead.” Maybe the ending would have been different, Toudou thinks, but he continues “But you know, Maki-chan, our score is finally settled! I beat you twice!”
“Kuha-” Makishima can’t help the smile-well more of a smirk really-that spreads across his face.
“-But your first year ace did have a broken frame so the second doesn’t really count-”
“It counts Jinpachi.”
“Then I’ve won.” He smiles, a little brighter this time, the bitterness of Hakone’s loss dissipating just a little. “Its weird though Maki-chan, I don’t want our races to end. I’m only this fast because of you. We’ll still get to race right? You can come to Hakone and-”
How can we race? I’m leaving after graduation. I should tell him-
But he can’t say it. Not now. “Of course, we’ll still race.”
Makishima isn’t sure what happens in the next few seconds, not until he registers the warmth of Toudou’s impossibly soft lips moving against his own. It takes a moment for him to recover from the initial shock of and he almost returns the kiss. Almost. Unfortunately, Toudou seems to realize what he’s doing at the exact same moment and draws back just as quickly.
“M-maki-chan-” he stutters cheeks flushed scarlet, eyes wide, looking mildly horrified at what he’s just done.
Makishima’s pretty sure he’s sporting an identical blush but for some reason he’s calmer than he probably should be. Maybe its because he expelled every ounce of restless energy during the final stage of the race, or possibly because there’s still so much adrenaline coursing through his body that he feels numb? …Or maybe its because he’s thought about kissing Toudou before.
“It-its fine, Jinpachi” he hears his voice answer unsteadily.
~
The other time he almost told Toudou about England was when he and Onoda were invited to stay at Toudou’s family’s Ryokan. Onoda had just fallen asleep and Toudou was setting up his own futon beside Makishima’s.
“Should I turn out the lights, Jinpachi?” Makishima asks nonchalantly from where he’s standing in the doorway. He looks comfortable, long hair tied back in a loose ponytail, grey sweatpants and an eye catching fuchsia-neon green tank top hanging on his thin frame.
“Sure, Maki-chan! The switch is on the wall just to your left - yes, there.”
As soon as the lights flicker off, the view outside the window on the south side of the room comes into view. Dark hills rise into the air, stark ridges just visible against the darkening midnight blue of the late evening sky. Thousands of sparkling lights are dispersed along the hills, concentrated along roads and in towns, shining in the darkness like stars and galaxies on earth.
“I’m so happy you and megani-kun came,” Toudou says when Makishima comes to stand by the window beside him. Makishima feels the heat rise to his otherwise pale cheeks, realizing that Toudou is wearing the shirt he lent him last time he stayed in Chiba “You should come back again before the end of the summer!”
…Jinpachi, I’m going to England to live with Ren, I won’t be-
But the words get stuck in Makishima’s throat. He can’t say it, all he can do is look down, hair shielding his face.
He and Toudou climb into their futons. Makishima pulls the covers up to his chin, burying into them. He listens as Toudou chatters quietly less than a few feet away, occasionally humming in ascent or making a small noise of affirmation.
“Thank you, Maki-chan.”
Makishima is almost asleep when he hears those words “Hmm?” He strains to open his heavy eyes.
“Thank you” Toudou repeats softly “For these past three years. They’ve been fun-”
Makishima exhales “You too, Jinpachi.”
Toudou opens his mouth like he wants to say something more, but closes it again, deciding against it. “Night, Maki-chan” he breathes.
“Goodnight.”
When Makishima wakes up a number of hours later, its because he’s too hot. The sky outside the window is still a deep blue so it is probably some early hour of the morning. Its as he tries to push the covers back that Makishima becomes aware of the warm weight across half his body. Toudou is sharing his futon, curled up against his side with an arm wrapped tightly around his rib cage, face buried in the crook of Makishima’s neck.
Makishima tenses. The rational part of his mind cringes ‘What will Onoda think if he wakes up to this?’ but he can’t bring himself to move out of Jinpachi’s arms. As much as Makishima generally dislikes contact, the feel of Jinpachi’s silky hair against the underside of his jaw, the warm breath ghosting along his neck, is nice. He slowly relaxes back into Toudou’s embrace, trying to fix the covers without waking him.
It doesn’t work though, Toudou wakes up, probably because of all the shuffling. “Maki-chan?” his voice is rough, thick with sleep. He starts to pull away but Makishima slides an arm around his back, keeping him close.
“Don’t go anywhere yet.” Makishima whispers. He kicks the thick cover aside before lying down again. Toudou hums contentedly, snuggling back against his side as Makishima pulls the sheet up to cover them both.
It only takes a few moments for Toudou’s breathing to fall back into a slow, steady rhythm. Makishima doesn’t sleep again though, just watches as the sky gets brighter outside the window. He absently brings his hand up to Jinpachi’s head, threading his long fingers through the smooth black hair.
You could wake him up again. You should really, really tell him…
But Makishima can’t. He knows that as soon as he says something about England, this, whatever it is, will change. They’ve kissed twice now… Why do his bad feeling always have to come true?
~
A woman’s voice on the intercom announces the first boarding call for Makishima’s flight. For the last time, he hesitates- but if he waits any longer, he’ll run out of time. Its just Toudou, he thinks as he finally presses the call button and lifts the phone to his ear. Toudou answers at the start of the second ring.
“Maki-chan!” as enthusiastic as ever, if not a bit tired sounding “Is everything okay? Its early, and you don’t usually call me!”
“I’m fine, sho-”
“Well then what did you want to talk about? Are you planing on visiting Hakone? Is that why you had to call in the morning?” Toudou launches into conversation as usual. “Or I could come to Chiba for a change. Maki-chan, that would be fun, don’t you think?-”
“Toudou.”
“We could race. I hope you haven’t been-”
“Toudou.” Makishima repeats “We won’t…be able to race for a while, sho.”
“…What do you mean, Maki-chan?” The confusion hangs heavy in Toudou’s voice.
“I-” He exhales audibly. Why does this have to be so hard to say? “I’m leaving Japan, Jinpachi… I’m going to live with my brother in England.”
Toudou doesn’t say anything at first. If it wasn’t for the faint sound of his breathing (and if it wasn’t very un-Jinpachi-like), Makishima would’ve thought he hung up.
“I’m going to university there.”
When Toudou finally speaks, the hurt in his voice is palpable. “Why didn’t you tell me?!”
“Jinpachi, I’m sorry.”
“You should have told me!” Makishima doesn’t miss the edge of anger lining his words this time “I would have-” What would he have done? Toudou, alone in his bedroom, hugs his knees to his chest trying to dispel the awful sinking feeling in his heart. Why would Maki-chan move halfway around the world? He suddenly feels hollow, like he might shatter at the lightest touch.
“I’m sorry.” Makishima says again.
“D-do you want to go?” Jinpachi hates how broken his voice sounds as the words tumble out of his mouth.
“To England? Yes.” Makishima says slowly. Its not a lie, honestly he can’t help but feel somewhat excited about living in London “I don’t know why, but it feels right… I’ll get to help Ren with his work in the fashion industry, and its a good university… Its an opportunity I don’t want to miss, I guess”.
“Can I come say goodbye, at least?” Toudou asks quietly, feeling like his world is falling apart at the edges “When are you leaving?”
Makishima runs his fingers through his hair, pushing it back from his face. “I’m at the airport now.” As if in reply, the second boarding call sounds over the loudspeaker. Its almost taunting.
When Toudou doesn’t reply Makishima admits “I wanted to say goodbye to you properly, sho. I couldn’t-”
“-Whats going to happen to us, Maki-chan?” Toudou asks defeatedly.
There. Thats what Makishima’s been avoiding all along. This is what he isn’t good at. No one has ever liked him before, not like this. Not that he’s given them any reason to… And then Toudou happened. Loud, annoying Toudou, demanding his number and showing up at every race, unrelenting and enthusiastic no matter how hard Makishima pulled away. All the calls, the rivalry that fell into friendship… Makishima’s never been much of a friend, but its different with Toudou, maybe because after all this time they’ve somehow managed to become more than that? Makishima presses his lips together contemplating Toudou’s question. Maybe it would only be fair to let him decide. He answers carefully “…I guess whatever you want to happen to us.”
“Hmm, even if we’re far away? Whatever I want?”
“I don’t see why not, sho.”
“Then can’t we… can’t we keep things the way they are now?” Makishima doesn’t miss the streak of hope lacing those words. “Chiba and Hakone aren’t close together anyway. You’ll just be a little further away. We can still Skype and I’ll email you everyday-”
All this time Makishima hasn’t really thought about that possibility. Sure their relationship is already long-distance at best, he just figured that living halfway around the world would make it too hard. Also, that it wouldn’t be fair to Toudou. Gorgeous, confident Toudou, with all his fangirls, who could have the whole world with a smile if he wanted to… why would he wait for Makishima?
But like so many other times, Toudou has something to say before Makishima has the chance to think anything over.
“I like you Maki-chan.” Toudou says, a flicker of his usual confidence returning “I like you a lot. I’ll come visit you in London! How long is the flight? Is your brothers flat big like your house in Chiba? I hope his fashion sense is better than yours-”
“Shut up Jinpachi.” Makishima sighs, a smile playing at his lips “…I like you too.”
The final boarding call is announced overhead. By now, most of the passengers have already boarded the plane. Makishima grabs his carry-on and hurriedly makes his way towards the gate, boarding pass in hand.
“My flight is leaving, I-I have to go.”
“Maki-chan… Thanks for at least telling me before you left Janpan. I would’ve cried if you’d called from England.”
“I’m still sorry I couldn’t tell you sooner, sho. See you soon?”
“I’ll Skype you when you get to London! You can give me a tour of your brother’s flat!”
“Hmm, goodbye Jinpachi.”
“Bye Maki-chan! Safe flight, talk to you soon!”
Toudou’s world is still falling apart, but just a little. He feels like his heartstrings are being pulled a bit too tightly. ‘Well, they are’ he thinks ‘halfway around the world.’ At the same time, he feels a light warmth spreading through his chest that started the moment Makishima said he liked him too. Its the same warmth he felt the first time they kissed, and that morning he woke up in a guest room of his family’s Ryokan, tangled in Maki-chan’s arms. Everything is changing, but nothing is ending, not what matters most. He knows there will be more kisses and mornings like that. Maybe the next one will be in London.
Toudou’s more than okay with that.