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“Let’s go home, Olivia.”
Olivia stands on the quiet street, the silence allowing her mind to believe that he was still her grounding and steady anchor and as she slides into the back of a cab and recites an address that isn’t her own, maybe he still is.
Looking out her window, she watches buildings begin to blur and street lamps turn into one guided light. “Blink your lights when you get inside.” That stubborn son of a bitch became her protector and disappeared like trees disappear behind fog so she clawed at the only thing she had left – his voice.
And eventually, even that deceived her.
She tilts her head back and lets her mind wonder a little further – seeing his silhouette fifteen years into the past, asking why she didn’t tell him she’d requested a new partner and when that was unfeasible, a transfer out of the unit. A unit, she was practically born for. It was too complicated, she’d said. But they’d both known what was hiding behind that word. Her morals stood too tall and his catholic guilt was too strong for them to ever be brave enough to admit the truth.
To this day, twenty years into their complicated history, they still haven’t found that bravery.
Maybe in a a parallel universe, another life is kinder to them.
“In a parallel universe, it will always be you and I.” In theory, leaving his ruins to repair themselves is the healthiest thing for her to do but whatever tied them together once, remained inside her; an invisible force that bounds them, something sacred and unmoving. It terrifies her because she’s already learnt to live without him and she doesn’t know if she’ll survive it again.
Lost in her thoughts, when the driver pulls up to the curb outside an apartment that definitely isn’t her own, at first, Olivia doesn’t notice. “I'm really glad you’re back.” This time, it’s her own voice but behind her closed eyes, she can see him as if she’s watching a film reel; the way his pace quickens and when she wraps her arms around herself, swears she feels his hands guiding her into his embrace. She feels safe, protected.
She just feels... him.
**
Bernie’s voice seems to jolt her out of the trance she’d fallen into in the cab. “Olivia?”
“What?” As if suddenly realizing who’s standing in front of her, Olivia sways in place at the threshold of Elliot’s apartment.
“I said is everything alright? Has something happened to Elliot?” Her eyes are grow panicked that she quickly rushes to assure her everything is fine, not quite understanding herself how she got from the bridge she’d thrown the tape over to his doorstep. “I’m sorry. I don’t - I’ll just go.”
Bernie expression turns sympathetic. “Elliot’s coming home to check on me soon. Make sure i haven’t burnt the place down.” She jokes. “Come inside, my dear. Have a cup of tea. You won’t argue with an old woman, now, would you?”
**
The door to the patio opens and closes quietly; her tea long since abandoned on the kitchen island, she waits for him to say something anything as she wraps her arms protectively around her waist. “I don’t know what I'm doing here.”
He pulls the other garden chair out from underneath the table and sits down but sensing she still needs space, remains behind her. “Talk to me.”
Because that’s so easy to do.
“My old partner brought a case to us this week.”
“Griffin?”
“Amaro. He was after,” Olivia stops and cranes her head to the side, able to see him now from her peripheral vision. After you is left to hang there from the tip of her tongue; there’s an underlying resentment in her words that she’s too exhausted to feel so instead, continues on. “He works cold cases now and he wanted our help with an old SVU case.”
Elliot frowns. “One of ours?”
“Cragen’s. Haley West.”
He lets out a low breath. “That was a long time ago.”
“Twenty-five years.” Olivia confirms. “Ian Ridley was exonerated this week. Their teacher confessed.”
She still hasn’t turned around but from his place behind her, Elliot knits his brows together, leans forward and contemplates his next words carefully. “What’s happened, Liv?”
“The company he works for weren’t the only ones interested in his case.” Olivia supplies. “They’d been working with a true crime writer. Burton Lowe.”
“Haven’t heard of him.”
“Probably for the best.” Olivia snickers. “Not exactly what you’d call an upstanding guy.”
You don’t have to be a Detective to know she’s keeping something from him but her short answers and the unsettling feeling that’s fallen in the atmosphere makes his stomach turn. Pushing off his chair, he approaches her tentatively, giving her ample time to tell him to back off. Except, she doesn’t. Instead, she finally lifts her chin to meet his gaze and her tearful expression has him crouching on his knees instantly. Once, years ago, he’d come home to find her at his doorstep wondering if selling her soul to get the job done was worth it. She felt safe enough to bare her soul then and wanted to make sure’ she knew it was safe to do so now; even if he’s been less than reliable this year.
Curling his fingers around hers, his grip tightens. “I’m here.”
Seven painstaking long seconds pass before she speaks. “We knew each other, once.”
He doesn’t move, doesn’t dare speak.
“He reappeared kind of like you did. And I – he made me feeling something I hadn’t felt in so long. And it felt good, you know? To be touched.” Inadvertently, Elliot cringes, which he’s pretty sure she barely takes notice of. “To feel... Oh and then he was accused of rape.” She chuckles bitterly. “It’s been a hell of a week.”
“I’m pretty sure it’s the universes idea of a sick joke. Because someone up there has got it out for me.” She twirls her fingers in the air for emphasis. “I bet it’s my mother saying I told you so.”
Despite himself, Elliot smirks. “Is she punishing you from the grave?”
“You didn’t know my mother. She’d find a way.” A beat passes. “I need to ask you something.”
“Okay.”
“Why did you give me that letter?”
“I don’t know if this is the right time.”
“Please.” Olivia begs. “I am hanging on by a damn thread here, El. I need to know.”
Cautious in his approach, Elliot sucks in a breath and squares his shoulders. “I didn’t think... I thought I was giving you closure.”
Olivia laughs incredulously, reciting. “What we were to each other was never real.”
“Liv.”
“We got in each other’s way.”
“I know what it says.”
“Yeah?” She spits, words wavering. “So, tell me what part of that was meant to give me closure? More inclined to say you gave it to me to make yourself feel better.”
“Olivia...”
“Don’t.” Olivia warns, rising from the chair and backs away, creating more distance between them then there already was. “Don’t say my name like that.”
Elliot holds both hands up in a motion of surrender, takes a couple steps back, leaning on the edge of the table they’d both now abandoned. “I thought it was a place to start.”
Rolling her eyes, Olivia begins to pace. “You thought wrong.”
"I never apologized for that. The way I showed up that night. It wasn’t fair.”
Olivia bites her inner cheek, tears welling. “You scared me, El.”
“I know.”
“You can’t do that again.”
“I promise you, Liv.” He’s hesitant with his steps towards her, grazing her arms and taking it as a good sign when she doesn’t flinch underneath his touch. “For the record, you were never in my way. You are my way.”
He feels her body tense, still falling prey to his eyes. “Did you pick that out of a movie?”
Ignoring her feeble attempt at making light of perhaps that most honest thing he’s said to her in months, he presses on. “A week after your accident, they told me I was going under. Not that I had much say in the matter but I didn’t fight them on it as hard as you’d expect.”
It’s Olivia’s turn to be quiet, his hands aren’t on her anymore but the distance between them hasn’t change.
“Hiding behind Eddie Wagner’s demons seemed like a good idea at the time because it was better than the guilt that was consuming me.”
“Guilt?”
He doesn’t reply then, but his eyes are softer, seemingly an answer in itself. Nodding, Olivia says, “I need you to understand that I have lived without you once and I can do it again.”
“I hear you.”
“But I don’t think I'll survive it.”
“I want to come home.” Elliot drags his eyes away from her and looks inside where Eli has appeared from his bedroom and disappears just as fast. “I have too.”
Following his line of sight, Olivia hums and cups his cheek with her left hand, just like she had a few weeks ago when she’d expressed her fear Elliot Stabler would be lost forever, except this time, she lets her fingers scrape across his beard. “I look forward to when you do.”
It’s then, Olivia knows why she gave the driver his address.
Time and distance be dammed, when all roads lead home.