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If you asked them, the first thing out of their mouth would be “Of course not! I still have so much I haven’t done yet!” With a tone an expression so rehearsed it looked real, and fooled anyone who dared to ask. There was truth to it, of course. There were many things they wanted to do in their years of life, however short or long that may be. Exploring the entirety of Teyvat, experiencing cultures they could never have dreamed of prior to the blessing that quite literally fell from the sky, making (mostly) genuine connections, the list was endless. But how does one fit this list with the question they all but prayed not to be asked?
“Are you trying to kill yourself?!?!”
Life is forever uncertain, but most can expect their lives to go on until old age allows them to slip away peacefully in their sleep. Not everyone puts themselves in danger to feel something other than the never ending hatred for their own existence. Not everyone let’s the lies flow so easily past their lips that even they start to question their true feelings and motivations. Not everyone skips meals because the thought of starvation satiates the urge to take their blade to their own skin. The question always came with frustration or great worry, sometimes even both. But this was basically routine at this point, all they had to do was smile, give a semi valid reason and hope no one caught on. And it worked for a while!
A lot of people suffer, and most do so while still smiling, still trying to fight for some control to bring about a stability they lack. And if they can’t keep fighting, they seek help, as they should. But it’s different with them. For other people, they were treating themselves with the respect and compassion they deserved. With themself? It’s a sign of weakness, and they were not weak. They refused to be weak, and refused to burden anyone else with their struggles. Everyone has their own issues to deal with, bigger fish to fry, sharing thoughts that went through their mind at least a dozen times on a daily basis only made the load everyone else carried even heavier.
However, that begs the question… what happens when the smiles continue past the initial pain? What happens when they can’t even look at a particular person without having to plaster on a smile and put on an act in order to keep suspicions at bay? What does one do when one knows what could fix everything: changing the answer to the question from those who can see past the layers and layers of masks?
People that perceptive are rare, and yet here they were with one that, while they treasured their company and friendship, would not leave them alone. Alone enough to give in to the desperation for control and taking it by any means necessary. Alone enough to finally let down the mask after a long day of pretending they were fine, just a little tired. Alone enough to indulge in the one thing that made them feel something other than a deep rooted hatred for themself and the world they’re forced to live in. This blessing from the sky was also a curse, being able to see masks on top of masks down to the first they ever donned, and holy shit it would be their undoing.
What if the true answer slipped past their tightly guarded filter one day? Instead of their usual smile and laughter, thanking them for worrying with false reassurances, they opened up and said “I wish I had died that day.” What if the mask slipped too far and everyone could see the dead man walking in front of them? Their eyes were shielded for a reason, their practiced expressions ensured no one would know that they would literally rather be six feet under than still pushing forwards as everyone expected of them.
The mere idea of being vulnerable like that shook them to the core. Everything and everyone would change. It would start with their loved ones saying that they were so very loved and deserved to stay, then the kind suggestion that getting help from a professional will make things easier, and lastly reassurances that their place in this world was not a mistake… all of these lies or misguided wishes piling up to crush them with the guilt of worrying the people they don’t deserve but somehow still have. They would never be left alone, their weapons would be taken, and anything potentially harmful or lethal immediately removed and hidden because Archons be damned, they just wanted to die.
Then came the thought of the the pain from those they cherished would face once they were gone. Those that they wished would just let him go. But to no avail, the evident pain directed at their own pain only made them feel worse, wishing more and more that fate could strike them down so at least they didn’t have to leave this world knowing they hurt the people that cared. Which hurt them, not that they would ever tell. The kids in their life wouldn’t understand, would miss them so much, only be hurt again to learn they ended their life with their own hands once they were old enough. The friends and their lover would be crushed knowing they couldn’t change the outcome, perhaps leading them down their own dark spiral into a place of no return.
What’s funny is, despite the fact others put them through this never ending cycle of wanting to die but too guilty to actually do it, they wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone else. Not their enemies, not those that had already turned on them, not even the gods that cursed their very existence… only themself. If they could bear it, then no one else would have to. So they had to hold on. They had to keep pushing so that no one else took on the pain that they not only endured, but chased after to perhaps free them from the chains binding them to this world.
Life is uncertain, but one thing they knew with every fibre of their being is that no matter how much you’re struggling, still fighting to protect those that don’t deserve the constant torture, it’s really is too much for one person, and it broke them. They denied it until their last day, with the fatal blow being a revelation they had intentionally blinded themself from. They were weak. They tried so hard to be strong for those around them and it was a catastrophic failure. And so they caved. They made a choice, made every attempt to get those they loved to turn their backs on them and let the consequences of their actions be the blade that severed their ties with this body and life. That was what they hoped for, by betraying their trust so they could be at peace with their own demise, the release from mortal hell they desired so deeply. Surely if it was divine punishment for committing horrible deeds, it would at least give them closure and a sense of justice.
But it backfired, and everyone still cared, still trying to protect them despite their constant pleas for them to run away, to hate them so they could face his punishment, to stop caring so they could face retribution for what they did in a desperate attempt to kill themselves by the hands of another.
Not one of them did, and they watched them all, one by one, see past the carefully crafted masks and chose to help instead of condemn them. They picked up their weapon and told the heavens to be damned, Celestia was not taking them away so easily. Can you not see they are in pain? How they put on a smile so no one worries about them? How they bite their tongue, playing the role they were given only to be used, forgotten, and once again crushed with a feeling that they weren’t worthy of their love and compassion? The heavens laughed in response, pushing them out of the way like the pawns they were on the massive chessboard called Teyvat. The arrogation of man defied the heavenly principles, and those that rebel must be dealt with, being captured and removed from the playing field.
So yes, someone did die that day, but their plan to be seen as another victory towards their goals failed miserably. Their death was not painless for those they tried so hard to push away, to help avoid their pain and grief. Instead, they were given a funeral of a warrior rather than a villain. Their face looked so at peace, dressed in expensive clothes as they lay there motionlessly. They looked happy, most people commented, finally being freed from a burden they should never have been forced to endure along. They watched people cry and laugh during a eulogy fit for royalty, full of old banter, confessions, and memories. They watched the love of their life slide a ring onto their left hand, one that they never got to truly reply to and reciprocate, remembering the ring in their own side table drawer. They watched the children grow and mature, watched their peers develop grey hairs, settle down, watched their beloved find love once again instead of succumbing to the temptation of seeing their partner, they watched the elderly pass away, ascending to Celestia where they deserved to be and greeted them into the afterlife with tears of joy and laughter carried by the winds.
In a way, they really don’t regret what they did. They had no will to live, existing as an extension of someone else’s will and taking on what others couldn’t. Simply following what was expected so no one batted an eye or tried to look past layers of disguise. They very much regret that he hurt those they loved, but watching them grow and heal was the most merciful punishment for bringing about war and chaos. Reuniting with them when it was their time to ascend was a gift they still didn’t believed they deserved, but sometimes the afterlife is kind.
Oh, I suppose I didn’t specify the main character of our story, so I will leave that conclusion to you. He had friends, he had a family, he had a love that burned so bright despite his self perceived lack of worth, and he lost them all because he couldn’t pretend for them anymore. I know that doesn’t narrow it down at all. With that description, it could be several characters in the story of Teyvat, the Teyvat of yesterday, today, and tomorrow. But I know this resonates with one in particular for you, and I’m sure you feel a connection to them somehow. So let me say this, while you’re still here.
You are loved, and yes, you are worthy of it. You are worthy because you are here. You are alive. The probability of you existing right here, right now, the way that you are is 1 in 10 Trillion. You are here by no mistake, and your life is priceless. As someone who wrote this as a vent, a way to expel my hatred for myself so that I didn’t fall back on unhealthy coping mechanisms, you have intrinsic value that cannot be defined in simple terms. So feel free to read this story again and again, see yourself in the character you’ve associated this with, and then show yourself the same kindness you would show them. You are worthy, you are deserving, and I am really proud of you for being here.