Work Text:
“You are thinking too much,” Ohm said, then without warning, bent his head and pressed his lips against Nanon’s lips.
The touch was soft, warm, electric. Nanon stiffened, wanting to pull away, but he was held tight, encased within strong arms holding him in a hug. He couldn’t move, didn’t want to move. Ohm..no, Pat’s lips stayed where they were, a mere touch, the gentle flutter of a butterfly’s wings; waiting. Nanon realized with absolute certainty that he wanted this...Pran wanted this, dreamed of it, craved it desperately. He was burning for it. Nanon moved his head away and licked his lips, they tingled. He lifted his head and stared straight into his best friend’s questioning eyes, his own eyes narrowing in a challenge. Nanon slid his arms around Ohm's neck and said, “kiss me, kiss me like you mean it.”
Nanon was straight, just not as straight as people believed him to be. You cannot be a GMMTV artist and not be a little bit bent. He grew up in an affectionate family and he liked skinship… hugging, touching, playing with his male colleagues as was the norm in GMMTV, the world’s BL mecca. But all his crushes, the ones he found sexually attractive, the people he dated, they were all women. Heck, all the porn he had ever watched and jerked off to was straight porn, if you didn’t count the lesbian ones. He was secure in his identity as a heterosexual man. He never once questioned it even when doing questionable things with his male friends for fan service or because it was fun or funny or because that’s just what boys do, at least GMMTV boys. This innate and resolute understanding of himself and his sexuality came crashing down harder than Miley Cyrus on a wrecking ball because of one man, the man his hands itched to slap every day, his nemesis and best friend, Ohm Pawat.
Nanon didn’t even like Ohm, not in the beginning. The first time they met at the company, Ohm with his perfectly coiffed hair, which should have looked ridiculous on a teenager but somehow only accented his sharp good looks, glanced at him in a way that pushed all of his buttons. Buttons he didn’t even know existed. Hackles raised, Nanon scoffed internally at the audacity of a junior artist putting on such airs. Behaving completely out of character, he ignored Ohm and was brusque when they did interact. Chimon had looked at him weirdly and later asked if he and Ohm had some beef in Uni. All three of them attended the same University. He and Ohm were in the same department but Ohm was a year above him so their paths rarely crossed. Embarrassed to have been so obvious with his bizarre childish behavior, Nanon had shaken his head, muttered something about arrogant jerks, and hurriedly changed the subject. A year later, he and Ohm got cast for Blacklist.
At some point between giving each other the cold shoulder, attending workshops, and Ohm, who lived a hairbreadth away, giving him rides to the studio, they started talking. They talked about the drama, the script, the cast, the movies they watched, the roles they had played, about acting, music, career goals, celebrity crushes, real-life crushes. They had deep heartfelt conversations about life and everything that entailed. Nanon realized Ohm was far from the arrogant, ignorant teen he had imagined him to be. Ohm was goofy, sometimes immature, told the cheesiest and the dirtiest jokes, played too rough and flirted with everyone. But he was also kind, intelligent, perceptive, fiercely loyal and had the kind of inner strength born out of adversity that Nanon both pitied and envied. Even though they were oil and water and they argued about everything under and above the sun, before Blacklist shooting ended, they had become the best of friends. Two years later, Nanon signed up for his first BL role with Ohm Pawat as his leading partner. The night after signing the contract, Nanon hadn’t been able to sleep, tossing and turning with worry about his decision. He wondered if he had made the biggest mistake of his life. He spent his waking moments cursing Ohm under his breath, it was all his fault.
Nanon knew a lot of his fans wanted him to take up a BL role with Chimon. He and Chimon were a popular ship and they enjoyed flirting with each other publicly and on camera to tease their fans. Nanon loved Chimon almost as much as he loved Nonnie, his sister. From the moment they met, they had just clicked. He never fought or argued with Chimon as he did with Ohm. He respected Chimon as an actor and knew they had chemistry on screen after filming The Gifted series together. Despite all this, it never crossed Nanon’s mind to act in BL with him. One time Chimon had brought it up, half-joking, half-serious. Nanon had laughed and replied, “hell no, you know I don’t want to act in a BL.” He had then grabbed Chimon and pulled him closer, pursing his lips while making loud kissing sounds. “Just kiss me now if you want me so bad,” he said, leering at his prey. Chimon had screeched and struggled to get away before resigning to his fate and had grudgingly accepted a big wet smooch on his cheek.
Nanon did not want to act in a BL, not because he had any hangups, but because most of the BL series produced by GMMTV were terrible. Cliché storylines, minimal budget, shoddy directing — nothing was appealing about them besides the promise of instant fame and endorsement money a successful couple pairing could make. It was not an empty brag that Nanon, after being in the industry from childhood, had enough money and fame to not covet them. What he wanted was artistic satisfaction. Meaty roles, characters that would showcase his skills, bring him critical recognition, awards nationally even internationally. He did not even want to star in dramas; movies were his true love. He wanted to see himself on the silver screen and eventually, he wanted to direct. Doing a BL would not fulfill any of his dreams. At best his drama would be successful and he would have to attend ridiculous events with his partner and do ridiculous things and pretend he was enjoying the shit-fest, or at worst, the whole filming experience would be awkward and he would hate every minute of it.
Nanon had rejected all offers he had received until P’Aof came to him with a script in hand and a glint in his eyes, determined to win him over. “Nanon, nobody else can play Pran, I only see you.”
Nanon was flattered, he respected P’Aof both as a scriptwriter and a director. P’Aof had a deep understanding of his target audience and his dramas were a huge commercial success.
“Ohm will play Pat,” P’Aof continued before Nanon could say anything. Nanon was surprised but glancing through the script, he knew Ohm would be perfect as Pat.
“Let me read the script and think about it. I will let you know tomorrow,” Nanon answered, unable to directly refuse.
His answer was no, but he owed P’Aof at least a good reading of the script before saying so. That evening he read the script of the trope littered, enemies to lover romcom. It was a simple story but its simplicity in itself was a challenge. There was something universal about Pran’s unrequited love. Nanon wondered how he could design Pran’s character to show his multifaceted personality. Undecided, even after reading the script twice, he had lain on his bed staring blankly at the ceiling when his phone rang. It was Ohm.
“I want to act with you, do it for me.” The next day, Nanon had called P’Aof and accepted the role.
The workshop was not going well was an understatement. P’Aof sighed and signaled Ohm and Nanon to stop their practice session.
“You are not just professionals, you are also friends. I know you both, and whatever dynamic is going on here, it is not the Ohm Nanon I know, and it is definitely not Pat and Pran.”
The director was addressing them both but Nanon knew the comments were pointed at him. Shame suffused his body. He had never felt this unprepared and disjointed from a character before.
They were practicing a sweet scene. Nothing complex, just a few lines of dialogue. He had to caress Ohm’s face and look at him with the love Pran kept hidden in his heart for Pat, then kiss him on the cheek. It had started fine. Nanon thought he was in character, but when Ohm leaned forward with heavy-lidded, indolent eyes and a knowing smirk, Nanon didn’t see Pat, he saw Ohm. He reflexively leaned away with a nervous giggle. They repeated the scene several times with similar results. Even when they were able to complete playing out the scene, Nanon knew his acting was stilted, perfunctory. His Pran remained elusive, hidden in the shadows, lacking substance or depth.
To his acute embarrassment, P’Aof asked everyone to wrap an hour ahead of schedule. P’Aof didn’t say anything to him, instead, he went to talk to Ohm who was sitting on the ground, legs crossed, leaning against the wall. Ohm nodded to whatever P’Aof said to him and glanced at Nanon who immediately looked away. Guilt, frustration, panic churned like acid inside him and he wanted to throw up. He had made a terrible mistake accepting this role.
“Hey,”
Ohm had walked over to him but Nanon was so wrapped up in his inner misery that he hadn’t noticed everyone had left. Ohm was supposed to give him a ride home but Nanon wondered if he should just call his mom to come over. A car ride with Ohm seemed torturous.
Ohm looked at him, not saying anything and Nanon looked away, unable to meet his gaze. He felt Ohm’s hands land on his shoulders, gently squeezing them. Nanon steeled himself and looked at Ohm, prepared to face whatever anger, rebuke, or disappointment coming his way. He deserved it.
“Can we hug?” Ohm asked instead, lips curved in a sweet smile and eyes brimming with familiar affection.
All the awkwardness and tension Nanon was experiencing, immediately melted away leaving him almost weak-kneed. Nanon knew then, that everything would be okay. They would make it work.
Nanon leaned in for the hug and they squeezed each other so tight that their bones hurt.
“We need to kiss now,” Nanon said right after breaking away from the hug. He felt both smug and infinitely amused at the way Ohm’s eyes got round and his mouth fell open in shock.
“What?”
“KISS NOW” Nanon repeated,” slapping the back of Ohm’s neck.
“Oww…why…I mean why do we have to kiss now?” Ohm stuttered.
“Because… I have to want you, desire you physically, emotionally, in every possible way, as Pran. I can’t keep panicking just because Ohm Pawat’s cheesy sex face is too close to mine” Nanon replied wryly.
“Excuse me, it’s not cheesy and it is my flirt face,” Ohm stated indignantly, hands on his hips, looking very offended and just about ready to throw hands.
Nanon laughed, his dimples appearing full force after staying hidden the whole day. It felt cathartic.
Ohm stepped closer and Nanon’s laughter abruptly died in his throat. The air around them changed. They were standing so close that Nanon felt Ohm’s breath skating his skin. He shivered imperceptibly. They had clung to each other before in friendship and brotherhood, but this was different. It felt dangerous, almost illicit.
“I’m going to hold you now,” Ohm’s voice was thicker and lower than his usual pitch, a stranger’s voice.
After a moment that stretched slow and thick like molasses, Nanon nodded his permission, curbing his flight instinct as Ohm’s arms curved around him, holding him in an embrace. Nanon’s folded arms rested on Ohm’s chest, palms flattened against hard pectorals hidden behind a soft cotton tee. Ohm’s chest pulsed and Nanon realized with a start that his hands were wandering, slender exploring fingers digging into sculpted muscles. He immediately stilled.
When did Ohm get so fucking big? For the first time after his growth spurt, Nanon felt small, fragile, breakable, both physically and emotionally. Ohm….no Pat, could shatter him into a million pieces. Was this how Pran felt? Waves of desire, hope, fear, trepidation, crashing in a turbulent sea of emotions inside him?
Ohm’s eyes softened while his arms tightened around Nanon. “You’re thinking too much,” he said and bent his head.