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It wasn’t the worst thing in the world. Your best friend is dating your other best friend. It really isn’t that bad. That’s what you told yourself at the start of sophomore year. But, things were different now. It’s junior year, and your two best friends are still dating. Why do you still feel like this? That's the most frequent question you’ve asked yourself. Why do you still feel so out of place? Your stare keeps boring into the wall as you continue to think. You wonder if anyone has noticed you staring. You wonder if anyone has noticed you at all.
Anxiety. It’s what you’ve been feeling lately. Around a certain person. A particular girl. This girl makes you feel defenseless, distressed in a pit of snakes. But the snakes don’t bite you, they twist around your neck and choke you until you feel numb. Numb enough to push down your emotions so you won’t have to deal with them. But, this girl doesn’t exclusively do that. She makes you feel so consumed with joy. She makes you want to dance around in the rain with her in your prom dress. She makes you want to hold her hand while you walk her to class. There are so many things she makes you feel. It’s almost like she enjoys making you feel this way.
You’re watching her. She’s dancing with him. There’s something inside you that you can’t quite explain. Anger? Jealousy? It doesn’t matter. You must do what he said. What the black hood said. He’s been tormenting you. Slowly tearing you apart. But you don’t want the same for her. Nothing even remotely harmful for her. Even if it’s breaking your heart. Even if it cuts your feet when you step on the pieces.
She’s smiling at you. The kind of smile you haven’t seen from her in a while. She takes your hand down the hallway like usual. Something about it seems off to you. The girl calls your name, but you feel like you’re drowning, and no one can hear you.
“Betty, are you okay? You kinda spaced out there,” Veronica asks. Her voice is riddled with concern. You look at her and give a smile.
“Of course, Veronica. Why wouldn’t I be?” You squeeze her hand softly to convince her further. It isn’t the first time you’ve done this. You feel like one day she’s going to figure it out. Veronica’s expression hasn’t changed. You hope this is enough to get out of the conversation. You avert your eyes. You’re starting to get nervous. You hope and you pray she won’t ask you again. You hope she will let it go. Finally, Veronica lets out a sigh and returns the smile.
“Okay, whatever you say, B.” You look back at her with a smile but quickly look away. You can’t look for too long. You’ll start to feel something.
Your mom is making dinner. You feel like you teleported through the week. It’s almost as if you’re stuck on the side of a road. Everyone passes you by, but no one stops to help. Or maybe they don’t notice you at all. Your mom asks if you’re okay. You nod silently and grant her a grin. She asks about your grades. You absentmindedly reply and say they’re good. Your mom smiles at you then proceeds to cook. You wish you knew the answer to her question.
The days are getting faster and more rapid. You need to pick up the pace. You check the calendar on your phone. You could've sworn it was September. You get a text from Veronica. She asks you to come over. You agree. You don’t remember getting ready, but you’re already driving over there. You hope maybe it’ll be different this time.
“Hey B!” Veronica exclaims at you. You give her a gentle smile. Somehow, she manages to wash everything away. But that brings back the other set of problems. “I got something for you!” She walks closer to you, holding out a small gift in her palms. You tilt your head, confused.
“Oh, you didn’t have to,” You respond. Veronica raises one brow.
“It’s almost Christmas silly! Of course, I had to!” Your mind wanders around. When did it become December? You push your conscious away and smile warmly at her, taking the gift. You slowly open the box to reveal a small golden necklace. The letter “B” was attached to the chain. A flurry of emotions overtakes your chest. You look back up at Veronica almost ready to cry. You wrap your arms around her neck, taking her into a hug.
“Thank you, Veronica.” Your voice cracks when you say her name. You hold onto her tightly. Veronica hugs you back. She feels so lovely. You feel so selfish. Veronica hums for a moment then pulls away from you. You slowly do the same.
“What’s wrong, Betty?” The girl raises her hand to cup your cheek. You ease into her touch. There’s something about her that feels so nice. Maybe it’s her porcelain skin or the way she looks at you. You told yourself not to feel like this. You told yourself to stop thinking about what it’s like to kiss her. But it’s too late, and you feel drawn towards her like a magnet. You finally know what it feels like. The moment doesn’t last very long as you realize you made a mistake. An error that changes everything. The way she glances at you. The way she talks to you. You can’t tell if she’s talking or not. You’re back in your room. How did you get there? You don’t know. You don’t know how long it’s been since you kissed her. Did you even really kiss her?
It’s Monday. You’re walking in the hallway. You wonder if she’s around. You wonder if she even remembered it. The golden necklace hangs around your neck. You watch it dangle as you stop walking. You open your locker. You think about her. That’s all you’ve been doing lately. You wish you hadn’t done that. You wish it was just a dream. A sound echoes in the distance. You know it’s her. Your mind cries at you to stay still. To avoid seeing the raven-haired girl. But your head swivels anyway. The sound of her boots clicking against the metallic floor suffocates your ears. Her laughter chimes throughout the hall. You can’t help but stare at her. Your brain is screaming, begging you to look away. But all you can do is watch her. She looks happy. She walks by you, unchanged by your presence. You can feel your heart splintering and snapping in your chest.
But you can only hear the echo, echo, echo as the sound of her fades away.