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She wasn’t angry - when Amanda had called and said that Liv had pulled her into her office as soon as she arrived a ball of dread had formed in Sonny’s stomach. He was expecting a dressing down; he was expecting her to be angry that they had jeopardised a case - even though they hadn’t, not really, because they’d been so careful, and it was hardly their fault that their suspect's defence attorney just happened to show up in the same restaurant they were having their first date night in weeks at - but it wasn’t anger on Liv’s face when she told him to shut the door; her tone was calm, not laced with frustration or fury. She didn’t even seem disappointed in them.
What Liv was, Sonny thought, was hurt.
“You could’ve told me,” she said, a sad smile on her face as he took the vacant seat across from her.
When Liv first met Dominick ‘Sonny’ Carisi she was not his biggest fan. He arrived at Manhattan SVU at one of the worst possible times for someone trying to endear himself to a new squad, a new sergeant. There had been too much upheaval in the past year - Munch and Cragen leaving, Declan Murphy sweeping in and taking command only to depart again six weeks later, Nick being transferred to traffic, and the squad being shorthanded for months.
She wanted someone experienced - that was what she had told the brass - and what she got was an over-eager, rough around the edges detective fresh from his third go at fitting into Special Victims. From the minute he walked into the squad room it was obvious that Carisi had a lot to learn, and Liv hadn’t been patient with him - she’d been clear from the get-go that he wasn’t what she was looking for and that she’d be more than happy to send him on to the Bronx, his last chance saloon if he was determined to stick with SVU.
And he was - that was the thing - as much as he didn’t seem like the right fit, he wanted to be there. He chose Special Victims, he stuck with it even as he was bounced from borough to borough, and so when Nick came back she didn’t transfer Carisi out; she gave him a chance to grow, to prove her initial instincts wrong. And he did just that - proving himself time and again until Liv had to admit, if only to herself, that he was capable of being that empathic detective she’d asked for.
Somehow, beyond all those early expectations, over time he became more than a subordinate she was reluctant to have in her squad - he became a part of who they were at SVU. He learned; it took time, it took guidance and more than a little patience, but it turned out he was the right fit for SVU. And in time he became a friend, someone she could rely on - someone she trusted, who stood up with her and her son in church, who celebrated with her when Noah’s adoption became official.
That tentative friendship, the trust that they formed, extended at the end of one very long Friday when Chief Dodds arrived at her office with a grim expression just as she was packing up for the weekend. Their conversation was brief, and unpleasant, and was followed by a call to her nanny - who, it turned out, was out of town visiting her family over the weekend and wouldn’t be able to sit for Noah last minute.
She was glancing at her phone, at the short list of people she trusted with her son, trying to figure out who she could ask a favour of, when Carisi knocked on her open office door. She glanced up at him, “Carisi?”
“I’m just headin’ out,” he said, “Unless you need anything? You- Is everythin’ okay?”
“Yes,” she said shortly, then sighed, “Just trying to find a sitter for Noah tomorrow.”
Carisi nodded, hesitated a second, then opened his mouth, “I- I’m free if you… I could watch him.”
Liv raised an eyebrow. Carisi was good with children, and he had been great with Noah whenever he’d been around him. Really, he wasn’t a worse candidate than the rest of the squad - especially given Nick’s recent move to California.
“It’s your day off, Carisi,” she said, “I wouldn’t expect you to.”
“It’s what we do, right?” he said with a shrug, “An’ I’m good with babies, I got like fifty cousins.”
When Liv got back from her four hour long meeting with the Chief of Detectives the next day, it was to the sound of Noah’s laughter - and when she walked all the way into the apartment she found him on the floor, giggling as Carisi read to him from one of his favourite storybooks, “Hey, look who’s home, Noah,” Carisi said, pointing to Liv - and though her son grinned up at her, he didn’t move from Carisi’s side, pointing at the book again, urging him to finish the story.
Carisi left twenty minutes later, and it felt easy and natural for Liv to say, “Say goodbye to Uncle Sonny, Noah.”
In less than a year the guy had gone from a minor annoyance she’d wanted rid of to a part of her makeshift family she wouldn’t do without.
Sonny had never expected to find a family at Manhattan SVU. He’d been looking for a place to fit in - he hadn’t lasted at any of the other Special Victims units he’d been assigned to, and when he arrived at Manhattan he’d hoped this would be the one - and had nearly blown it all by laying it on a bit thick with the guy everyone in Staten Island had expected him to be. But he found his feet there; he wasn’t planning to stay a detective forever, but he wanted to stay put at least until he finished law school and while he was still on this side of the courtroom he wanted to make a difference for victims before it was too late.
The friendship though - that he hadn’t bargained on. He’d just hoped to be liked - Sonny wanted to be liked - and useful enough that they let him stay. It started with Rollins, which he definitely hadn’t expected since despite his initial attraction to her he’d assumed they’d never make it past reluctant colleagues, with her tentatively accepting him as a part of the squad, as her partner. Telling the others to lay off, having his back with the sergeant. Giving him a chance.
He definitely hadn’t bargained on a friendship with his boss, either. But he’d grown on her, he supposed - the first time Benson stopped him to say, “Good job, Carisi,” he felt a kind of pride he hadn’t been hit with since the academy. He wanted her to think he was doing a good job, wanted her to see him as the good cop he was trying to be. They let him into their circle - invited him for drinks, to birthday dinners and gatherings at Benson’s apartment. By the time he marked one year at SVU he quietly counted the squad as his friends.
Sonny started hanging out with Rollins more when she found out she was pregnant; maybe partly because Nick - who she swore up and down wasn’t the baby’s father - wasn’t around anymore, and Liv’s free time was filled up with Noah, but she let him help with things, and he stopped by when she was on maternity leave to keep her company and watch bad movies. One night they all went over there and he cooked dinner and it felt like they were a family.
That was how things changed with Liv - all those moments they hung out together as a group strengthening a burgeoning friendship. And sometimes they were first the ones at the bar or the last ones in the office and though they respectively spent more time with Barba and Rollins, the trust and respect between them grew.
When Sonny passed the bar he was filled with joy and pride, and he couldn’t wait to celebrate with the rest of the squad - but they never got the chance. Never quite got there because there was a case, and there was a bullet, and then there was a funeral.
They all took Mike’s death hard, but no one more than Liv; in the aftermath she was quiet and solemn and guilt-ridden, and there was little anyone could do. Little Sonny could do - but see her into a cab, the same way he had with Rollins, tell her to get home safe and know that she would be hugging Noah close tonight; all he could do was entrust her to Ed Tucker when he clapped a hand on Sonny’s arm, nodded to him and said, “I’ll look after her.”
And the next day, when Liv showed up to work even though she had every justifiable reason not to, Sonny knocked on her office door gently, waiting for her to call him in.
“Do we have a case?” she asked, looking up at him from behind hollow eyes.
He shook his head, “You sure you should be here, Lieu?”
“We’ve got to keep on going,” she said dismissively, “There’s still work to do.”
Sonny nodded. He’d dragged himself out of bed, put his badge and gun on, with the same thought in his head.
“And we need to celebrate,” she said dimly, “Before you leave us.”
“I’m not goin’ anywhere just yet, Lieutenant,” Sonny assured her. He’d made a choice, last night, sitting in that bar crowded with police officers, seeing the unshed tears in Liv and Amanda’s eyes, the stoic expression on Fin’s face; looking up at the picture of Mike on the wall. Liv was right - there was still work to do, and there were people who needed him to stick around a little longer.
Carisi stayed after he past the bar, after Dodds. He stayed and though their squad was smaller it grew stronger. There were a thousand little moments that made a friendship grow deeper - a thank you, after Liv had taken Tom Cole out before he could do the same to Sonny - small and brief, because Carisi knew that Liv was already weighed down with guilt. A reassuring hand on her shoulder when she didn’t know she needed it. A knock on her door and an hour spent building Legos with Noah because Liv had had a rough day and Sonny wanted to make sure she had time.
“You an’ Rollins, you never stop,” he’d said, waving her off when she’d tried to thank him, “And I like hangin’ out with this guy.”
It was Carisi and Rollins doing everything they could do help her get Noah back, a quiet rage that built until they knew he was safe, until they were driving back to New York together.
It was him staying late at the precinct with an excuse about catching up on paperwork that they both knew was a lie; it was him waiting because Rafael Barba had just walked out of her life and she wasn’t okay.
“Go home, Carisi,” she said softly once she’d shrugged on her own coat, “You don’t need to be watching over me.”
He gave a short nod, closing his laptop. He didn’t say anything else; he didn’t have to - his presence alone said enough and she might not have the words right now, but she appreciated it all the same.
And it was opportunities to return his kindness, the listening ear and warm heart that her first impression of him had not anticipated. If there was one thing Olivia Benson knew something about it was getting closer to your partner than you set out to. When she had first partnered Rollins and Carisi up it had been a risk - Rollins was good at her job but she was impulsive and easily frustrated by Carisi, and he was a little too eager and needed reigning in - in a very different way. And Rollins had bitched about it - she was pissed about being saddled with the new guy and she made sure that Liv knew it.
But that had changed; Carisi had grown on Amanda just as he’d grown on Liv, and their friendship had developed in a very different way from Liv’s own with Carisi. Liv had seen the way he’d looked at Amanda early on; but there was Nick Amaro, and there was baby Jesse, and she thought it would pass.
Until she found herself, three years later, watching him hold back the pain she knew he had to be feeling. It was written all over his face, the way he said, “Dr. Al’s there, so that’s a good thing, I guess.”
The way he told her that all he wanted was for Amanda to be happy. Liv believed him, but that didn’t mean it hurt any less.
There was nothing she could do for him but be there if he needed to talk, and when they said goodbye to Amanda in the hospital the next evening, little Jesse falling asleep in Sonny’s arms as he carried her out to Liv’s car - a sleepover with Noah on the books while Amanda was in the hospital with her newborn - she took another moment to remind him of that.
“Are you doing okay?”
“Me?” Carisi laughed, but there was no humour in it, “Why wouldn’t I be?”
Liv gave him a small smile, “Well, if you ever feel like you’re not…”
“Thanks,” he said as he slipped Jesse into Noah’s car seat, adjusting the straps with ease, “But like I said, I’m good.”
Telling Liv he’d put in his papers was almost as difficult as telling Amanda had been. Sonny had waited until Fin and Rollins had left for the night before knocking on the captain’s door, waiting to be invited in.
“Everything okay, Carisi?” she asked from behind her desk.
He couldn’t take the seat across from her; he was too agitated, too nervous.
“Yeah,” he swallowed, “I wanna- I wanna say thank you.”
“For what?”
He sat on the couch, enough distance between them for him to get his words out, even as he fidgeted with his hands on his knees, “Everything, I guess,” he said, “Makin’ me the cop I am.”
“Carisi, what’s this about?”
Sonny took a deep breath, his stomach in knots, “I- Captain- Liv, I’m-”
“You’re leaving,” she said. Her voice was tight with emotion, and Sonny thought back to the day he’d first walked into this squad room, the way she hadn’t even wanted him here.
Before he could offer a further explanation she sighed, and he could hear the hurt in her voice as she said, “I suppose I should be used to that.”
Barba. Stone. Nick Amaro, and all the goodbyes before him. And now Sonny, too.
“That’s- that’s kinda why I’m goin’,” he said.
“What?”
“Stone- he, uh,” Sonny swallowed, this was good news, really - news he hardly believed himself still, “He put in a good word for me an’ I… I interviewed with the new Bureau Chief last week.”
The sadness that had clouded Liv’s face gave way to something like pride as a smile crossed her lips, “The ADA position?”
He nodded, “I didn’t wanna say anythin’ in case it didn’t work out.”
“Congratulations,” she said, her smile fully formed as she got out from behind her desk to congratulate him properly. He was leaving, but it wasn’t like the other goodbyes she’d faced recently. If anything, their friendship would become all the stronger for it.
Sonny had seen how close Liv was with Barba, and the way she’d worked with Stone, but he hadn’t fully appreciated the way their dynamic would change once he moved to the DA’s office. Their professional relationship had changed; she wasn’t his boss anymore. But he still felt that pull, that desire to make her proud.
And when he faltered - when he fell down, when he felt like he didn’t have what it took to make it as a prosecutor, she was there in his corner. There to remind him that he wasn’t the kind of guy who quit when things got tough, to remind him that he knew how to do this job, that he knew how to get to a defendant and bring out the truth.
They somehow talked more now that he wasn’t at the precinct, said more. She looked out for him and he looked out for her right back, in whatever small ways he could - providing an ear when she needed one, bringing her his mother’s soup to ease her grief the best way he knew how.
Reminding her when Elliot Stabler steamrolled back into her life that he had her back, that he always would.
As his relationship with Amanda shifted, so did things with Liv. When you’re in love with your best friend there are some things you can’t talk to her about, but he still had Liv to listen - Liv, who knew one thing when everything changed, but didn’t know the biggest, best, part - not right away.
While Sonny had been living a moment he’d dreamed of a thousand times, Amanda’s lips pressed to his and her hands twisted in his suit jacket, Liv had been living the opposite - being run off the road, fracturing her ankle.
And when they got a moment to breathe he pulled himself away from Amanda for a couple of hours to check in with her, dropping by her apartment with groceries, offering to cook dinner while she rested her foot.
Noah wasn’t as keen as Jesse on playing sous-chef, so it was Sonny cooking alone while Liv rested on the couch, her ankle propped up on the coffee table, Noah playing video games in his bedroom, “I’m glad you got that ankle checked out.”
Liv had no interest in yet another conversation about her injury though, instead turning the topic to him - more specifically his love life - or what Liv last knew of it.
“We, uh, we called it off,” he said, turning to stir the pasta sauce so she wouldn’t see his face, the way he wasn’t cut up over Nicole, the way there was someone else occupying his thoughts, “Last week, before the wedding.”
“Oh,” Liv said - and that short word told him multitudes, told him exactly what Liv’s thoughts on that particular relationship were.
“You don’t sound surprised,” he said, looking at her over his shoulder.
“You just… you didn’t seem happy,” she answered diplomatically.
“I’m good now, Liv,” he promised. He was more than good, really.
There were things they talked about and things they didn’t - he was keeping something from her, but he didn’t probe about her love life either; he’d leave those sorts of conversations to Amanda unless Liv volunteered it. Instead, he checked in on her - made sure she was doing okay while Stabler was undercover, that McGrath wasn’t driving her too close to the edge, that after Barba defended Richard Wheatley she wasn’t knocked completely off-kilter.
Because they were friends. Because she was one of the closest friends he’d ever had and he trusted her with his life.
And now he’d hurt her - because he’d been keeping the best thing that had happened to him close, protecting it from the world - not because he didn’t want people to know, not because they were ashamed or afraid, but because they wanted time, and that time had flown past them, and here they were.
“It’s not that I didn’t wanna tell you, Liv,” Sonny said, “We just…” he sighed, unsure how to tell her that he’d been too happy to risk tainting it with disappointment or anger or the judgement of others.
“I’ve been watching you falling in love with Amanda for the past five, six years.”
He swallowed; he knew Liv had guessed he had feelings for Amanda, but not that she saw how deep they went, how long ago it all started. He opened his mouth to try and brush the comment away, but she fixed him with a stare.
“Don’t deny it now, Carisi.”
“I’m not,” he said, and he couldn’t keep the smile from creeping across his face, “Yeah, I’m in love with her, and I’ve honestly never been happier.”
“I know,” Liv nodded, “I could tell something was going on.”
“And y’know, you’re- if you weren’t Amanda’s boss, I’d’ve told you right away,” he wanted her to understand that this wasn’t about keeping it from Liv specifically, that it wasn’t that he hadn’t trusted her with this most precious part of his life, “But she- we wanted- we didn’t want the job to…”
“How long?”
Sonny glanced over his shoulder towards the door, “What, uh, what did Amanda say?”
“The official paperwork has been written, just needs your signature,” she handed him a file; inside were the disclosure papers, completed in Amanda’s handwriting. He added his signature to the bottom without hesitation, “So it doesn’t matter what it says in here,” Liv said, tapping the file when he slid it back towards her, “I’m asking my friend a question.”
“Since Fin’s wedding.”
Liv nodded, “I wish you’d told me yourselves.”
“We both wanted to, we- your opinion is important to us, y’know that.”
“I’ll tell you what I told her - I’m glad you found your way to each other, that you make each other happy - because you’re both happier than I’ve ever seen you,” the expression on Liv’s face is fond, and it’s touched with something else, like she’s proud of the person he’s grown into, the journey he’d been on to get here.
“Thanks, that means a lot.”
“And I expect an invitation to dinner soon,” she added with a smile, picking up the disclosure file and tucking it into her desk drawer, “To get the full story.”
Sonny nodded in agreement, “Whenever's good for you,” he said. He turned on his way out the door, “Liv, I- I want you to be happy too, y'know. So if there's anythin' you wanna talk about…”
She didn't protest, and she didn't need to answer or thank him. Enough passed between them in one look - all the things he wanted for her, and all the ways he'd protect her if it came to it - and from Liv, love and pride and eyes looking to the future that Sonny was building with Amanda, a future that he knew Liv would be a part of no matter what.