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Izuku stopped being a Hero on a cool and sunny day of September.
He always thought One for All would disappear after a grand fight, a fight where he would have summoned every remnant of his quirk to save and win. A fight which would leave him with satisfaction and fulfillment. It would have been the deadliest, most dangerous challenge he would have to survive.
The last fight of his life.
The pinnacle of his dream, his hero's life.
Instead, the young man – now turned twenty – was going home, his scarred arms full of groceries and forest-green curls swaying in the soft autumn wind. His day started great. No clouds in the blue sky, the sun warming his freckled face like a gentle caress. The deep red maple leaves contrasting beautifully with the golden gingko trees in the park next to his apartment. In his bags was all the food needed to cook mapo tofu and spicy chicken.
Kacchan was eating dinner at his place tonight. The mere thought made Izuku’s heart drum like thunder on a summer night. Izuku loved him, was so madly in love with the spitfire that was his childhood friend-turned rival. They started spending more time together during second year at Yuuei, became friends again in third year and finally, Katsuki met him halfway less than a year ago. Izuku cried and Katsuki hugged him like his life depended on it. The shift in their dynamic made him fuzzy and brimming with joy. Their relationship was tentative still, full of hesitation due to their inexperience but Izuku was happy.
It felt right to be in Kacchan’s arm under the blanket of his queen-size bed during winter, to share watermelon in the summer. To laugh together.
But right now, Izuku doesn't feel right anymore. He was feeling it, the raging fire that was One for All becoming no more than small embers, on the verge of fading away. He felt the emptiness slowly taking over his whole being. The vestiges’ whispers in his ear sounded too much like a farewell, Izuku thought helplessly.
Helpless and powerless. That’s how he felt, standing alone in the middle of the gravel path, just beneath one huge momiji tree.
He had smothered his quirk, like a protective parent, like a loving husband.
He had cherished it for five wonderful years. But maybe it hadn’t been enough. Since All for One’s defeat and the quirk vanishing, Izuku had felt One for All slowly but surely getting weaker. The changes were so small they were imperceptible. Izuku took notice when it became harder and harder, longer and longer to gather his power, to increase the percentages.
He never told a soul. He kept the secret like one hides a mistress.
The young man knew, deep inside, that without All for One, One for All didn’t have any core reason to exist. No purpose whatsoever. He knew, had known for so long. Still, he thought it would last a little longer than five years. It was too short, too sudden. His heart was beating a frantic drum, his breath was shallow.
There was a spark. A final wave of warmth.
Then nothing. No more fire in his heart, no more murmur from the eight ghosts who made him the hero he dreamt to be. Only a cold emptiness.
It was anticlimactic, to be honest. A little disappointing.
And way too heartbreaking.
Izuku let himself fall limply on the nearest bench and felt wet tears flooding his reddened cheeks. He stayed like this, alone and grieving. Izuku didn’t know for how long.
He wanted to share his loss with someone. Needed to.
All Might would have understood his sadness. But he wasn’t here anymore. His friends loved him but it wouldn’t make sense to them. Neither would his mother.
And Kacchan… Well, Izuku was profoundly scared to tell him. Kacchan had changed. He wasn’t his middle school self anymore. The blond grew up - both physically and mentally. And Izuku trusted him. Trusted him with his life. Katsuki would never ever hurt him.
Izuku knew that. All his being screamed at him that he knew that.
But the treacherous and insidious voice in his head was yelling that Kacchan would be disillusioned by him. You’re no hero anymore, it said, only plain, quirkless Deku. A boy with a shattered dream. Kacchan hated you for that when you were children. Why would he still want you now? You had nothing then, and you still have not. He will hate you and he will leave you because you’re worth nothing without this borrowed power.
Izuku didn’t want to lose the love of his life. He wouldn’t be himself ever again if the blond were to reject him a second time. Katsuki had become a part of him. And that would make the parting way more excruciating. The greenette knew deep down his fears were unwarranted, but right now his mind was blank, stuck in the dark.
It felt like drowning into a ugly and stormy sea. Waves of anxiety threatening to swallow him. Izuku knew he was freaking out. He couldn’t find his breath, couldn’t find his lifeline in the gloom of his empty being. He felt his spirit adrift for a too long and excurating time.
And when he finally - finally - was able to bring air to his burning lungs, it was like a blazing knife stabbed him straight in the heart. Because maybe it would be better to let Kacchan go ?
Maybe it would hurt less if he was the one who ends everything ?
Maybe the pain would be a little less wrenching? He didn’t want to see Kacchan’s crimson eyes looking at him with loathing. Picturing those loving, caring eyes tuning to disgust would be unbearable. Maybe it would be a little easier if anger was all Kacchan would feel for him ?
If Izuku were to tell him he didn’t love him anymore, Kacchan would be resentful but maybe - after a few months or a few years - they would be able to be friends again.
The thought was like a slap in the face and Izuku sobbed pitifully.
He couldn’t say it. He couldn’t break up with Kacchan !
God... Izuku wanted to stay with Kacchan forever, to grow old together and never be apart. To be together until their last breath.
He loved him. He hadn’t told Katsuki yet, but he did. He loves Katsuki. He…
He had to do it.
He couldn’t be a burden to the blond. Katsuki was amazing. He deserved the best of the best… And Izuku wasn’t. Never had been but at least he wasn’t useless when he still had his quirk. Now, he had nothing left.
Izuku startled violently when his phone suddenly started to vibrate against his thigh. He wiped his face with a shaking hand before tucking the device out of his pocket. He shuddered when Katsuki’s name glared back at him on the screen.
The phone rang once, twice more and Izuku picked up hesitantly.
“Hey nerd. I’m at your place. Where are you?”
Izuku felt tears rolling from his eyes again and he let an involuntary sob escape him.
“Kacchan…” he whispered weakly.
“Deku” Katsuki’s voice was tense with worry and Izuku felt so stupid for all his depreciating thoughts. “What’s happening? Are you okay?”
“It’s over Kacchan.”
When Katsuki’s breath hitched on the other side of the phone, Izuku’s heart broke a lot more than it already was.
Before he could second-guess his decision, he hung up.
*****
Izuku didn’t know how much time passed after that. His arm was hanging limpy on his side and his phone ran out of battery long ago. His eyes were puffy, his cheeks flooded by tears and his nose was snotty. He momentarily remembered he had to get up, go back to his apartment, eat dinner and go to bed… But he didn’t have any strength left and he couldn’t find it in himself to care. Everything he loved was lost and he could only blame himself for it.
From afar, he heard a hurried, desperate race. The sound was muffled by the buzzing in his head and he only paid it attention when a shadow hedged over him. All white noises that surrounded Izuku a few seconds ago shut down all at once and he froze. The only thing he could hear was Katsuki’s breathless panting above him.
They stayed like this - Katsuki catching his breath and Izuku refusing to look at his, eyes stubbornly glued to the ground. The greenette expected explosions, screams of anger, of rage, venomous insults. But nothing came. His mind went spiraling again and he felt sick.
Don’t waver. You can’t. You have to let Kacchan go! It’s the best thing to do ! Don’t be a burden! Don’t be selfish ! Don’t ! DON’T !!!
Izuku opened his mouth but instead, what came from it was an almost inaudible “My quirk is gone.”
And then “I can’t be a Hero anymore.”
What followed was silence. A long, never-ending silence.
Finally, Izuku felt - more than heard - Katsuki kneeled in front of him and take a deep breath.
And, like a spell, Kacchan’s raspy, soothing voice filled him and it was all he needed to escape the dreadful haze he was drowning in.
“You didn’t answer me. Are you okay, baby?” he growled and Izuku teared up.
He shut his eyes tightly to avoid spilling tears all over again. He startled when a calloused hand softly brushed his face and pulled back a wild green curl behind his ear.
The dam broke.
“I’m… I’m not.” he cried “I’m sad and I… I can’t be a hero anymore Kacchan but I want to. I want to so much but it’s over and I don’t know where to go from here and I know I can’t make you bear this burden with me and the best thing to do is to let you go because I’m so afraid you won’t want me anymore now that I have nothing to offer you and I’m scared you end up hating me because I wouldn’t survive that and I love you so much it hurts so just imagining you leaving makes me want to die and I know I’m being stupid because I trust you like I never trust anybody in my whole life so I know you wouldn’t break up with me for such a foolish reason because I know you’re not your middle-school self anymore and I know you changed but I can’t stop having these thoughts and -”
“Izuku.” Katsuki cut him, and his voice was firm but there was something else here.
The blond sounded moved, his voice seized with emotions unknown to Izuku.
“It’s natural to be sad : you’ve been sharing your life with eight ghosts for five fucking years and suddenly you’re all by yourself. You were and are still a hero. And you still will be. I swear to fucking god you will. We’ll find a way. I’m not letting you deal with all this bullshit alone. Also, you have plenty to give me, don’t try me on this asshole ! You already gave me way more than I deserve for the shit I pulled you through. You’re fucking kind, loyal, true to your beliefs, faithfull. You’re strong as hell - and not only on the physical side. And more importantly, you make me happy. I know I’m bad with words and I’m a piece of work but I’m trying to be better. So yes, nerd, I’m gonna repeat it again and again if you need me to : you make me happy. You make me so fucking happy. You are perfect . I would be a fucking idiot to let go of you again. And I’m not one, so like hell I’m gonna let you. You’re a hundred years too early to think you can leave me, you damn nerd ! You’ll have to stick with me for the rest of our fucking life.”
Izuku bit back a sob at how cherished he felt and curled on himself.
“I love you too, Izuku, and I’ll stay by your side no matter what”. Kacchan concluded.
And, really, Izuku could only chant Katsuki’s nickname with a wet but heartened and happy voice, sometimes switching to softly whispered “I love you”.
And Katsuki said it back every single time.