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Jack closed the door behind him, closing his eyes. He breathed in, out, in, out, in, out. The memories and the words and the faces and voices were all coming back faster than he could stop and he was scared that if he opened his eyes they’d be there, staring at him and judging him and yelling at him and-
His breath hitched, and it all came crashing down.
“They’re gone.”
What his dad whispered while crying at their funeral.
“I love you, Jack.”
When he finally learned to recognize what expressions were masking pain.
“It’ll be okay.”
The lie he had been told after his dad died.
“Hello, Jack.”
The first time he saw a spider smile.
“What are you doing?”
The last time he smiled in a long time.
“You’re useless, Kelly.”
When he understood what had the older boys up late with bandages.
“Never talk back again, brat.”
When he learned that taking the blame got him to leave the others alone.
“You won’t ever amount to anythin’, so don’t even try.”
The words that had haunted him for years.
“Jack… he and his brother came from Snyder’s.”
When he realized his past was Race’s present.
“You can’t help him. You can’t help anyone.”
The nightmare that had broken him again.
Useless useless useless useless uselessuselessuselessuselessuselessuselessuseless-
He slid to the floor. He couldn’t pull his eyes open. He buried his face in his arms. Tear after tear after tear after-
Uselessuselessuselessuselessuselessuselessuselessuselessuselessuselessuselessuselessuselessuselesshowcanyouhelpthemifyoucan’tevenhelpyour-
“Jack honey, Katherine’s here!”
That got him up. He shot to his feet and whirled around. “Okay! Jus’ gimme’a sec!” Good. His voice didn’t waver. He was proud of himself. He wasn’t (uselessuselessuseless) at everything.
He rushed into his bathroom. He had to look normal he couldn’t look like he had been crying he couldn’t be (uselessuselessuseless)-
He splashed cold water on his face, mind racing a mile a minute.
What if she (uselessuselessuseless) saw him crying and thought he was (uselessuselessuseless) and oh my gosh he could hear her coming up the stairs move faster don't be (uselessuselesueless).
He was out the door right as Katherine walked into his room.
“Hey Kath!” (uselessuselessuseless) “How’s it goin’?” (uselessuselessuseless).
“I’m pretty good,” she said carefully, eyeing him, “How are you?”
“Oh, I’m-” (uselessuselessuseless) ”-doin’ great! Got back from Racer’s not too long ago, so ‘s been a busy day,” he answered. Don’tcrydon’tcrydon’tbe (uselessuselessuseless)-
“Uh huh.” Katherine didn’t believe him. She didn’t think he was telling the truth he couldn’t even lie well he was just (uselessuselessuseless)-
“Jack.”
“Yeah?”
(uselessuselessuseless)-
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothin’.”
(uselessuselessuseless)-
“Don’t lie to me.”
“‘M not.”
(uselessuselessuseless)-
“If you think I won’t call Sophie or Charlie in here to tell me if you’re lying or not you clearly don’t know me very well.”
“What would I be lyin’ about? That I had a busy day? I did, ask anyone-”
(uselessuselessuseless)-
“That you’re ‘doing great!’” she replied, making finger quotes.
They stared each other down, neither willing to back down.
“Sophie!”
“No!” Jack cried, trying not to be a burden don’t be ridicuIous don’t be (uselessuselessuseless)-
“Jack,” Katherine whispered, and oh no she was reaching for him she was going to touch him he was going to flinch away but he didn’t want to flinch away he didn’t want to be (uselessuselessuseless)-
She touched him. She cupped his cheek with her hand and for a second it was comforting and he didn’t want it to stop but then he flinched away because that was just what he had been taught to do that’s just how you reacted when someone touched you when you were being (uselessuselessuseless)-
Katherine’s face fell and she looked so sad and it was all his fault and he was being (uselessuselessuseless)-
“Jack what’s wrong? ” She sounded so concerned. She was concerned for him and he was making a scene and he was being (uselessuselessuseless)-
He was crying. There were tears streaming down his face and he was being (uselessuselessuse-
She touched him again. It was so gentle and it felt so nice and he leaned into her touch and she was wiping his tears away and he opened his eyes and she looked like she loved him and maybe he wasn’t (uselessuselessuseless) if he could make someone look like that.
“I’m sorry for prying. I shouldn’t have pushed you like that. I know that there are things you can’t tell me yet, and I will accept that as long as you need me to. Just promise me that if you ever need to, you will talk to someone. I don’t expect it to be me, but I want you to remember that you have four people living here with you that will always be willing to listen if you need it, and six wonderful friends that love you more than you will ever be able to comprehend,” Katherine took a deep breath, rubbing her thumb across his cheek bone. “And, if you ever need to talk to me, I will be there the second you call me, no matter where I am or who I’m with.”
Jack looked up at her, the tears that had been streaming from his eyes slowing. “For sure?”
Katherine smiled, cupping his face with both her hands and leaning forward to press a gentle kiss to his forehead. “For sure,” she repeated, mimicking his accent.
Jack smiled a little, blinking hard to clear his vision more. “Okay,” he whispered, and maybe if what she’d said was true, he wasn’t
(uselessuselessuseless)
after all.