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“Where the fuck is Nikolai and Edward!?” Dempsey shouted, beating down a zombie with the butt of his shotgun. Blood seeped from a wound on his neck and gashes on his forearms. He was running out of ammo and luck. Fast.
“Hopefully not far,” Takeo said breathlessly as he swung his bloodied katana into the crowd of zombies. “I cannot hold them off forever!” As quickly as he dismembered half a dozen beasts, more pushed forward to replace them.
The sound of an engine roaring to life interrupted the undead’s droning clamors. In the distance, a pair of yellow headlights cut through the darkness and illuminated the disorderly horde.
“Is that…” Takeo began, trying to make out the silhouette of the vehicle behind the blinding lights.
“MOVE!” Tank shouted, grabbing his friend and pushing through the crowd of stunned, blinded zombies.
The headlights grew closer by the second. The sound of collisions became louder and more frequent. The vehicle swerved left and right, bringing down the cannibalistic masses. After executing a couple of deeply unnecessary donuts, the jeep rolled up to Tank and Takeo.
“Get in, losers!” Nikolai shouted from the jeep.
Meanwhile, Richtofen laughed like a madman from the passenger side as he blasted the zombies back with a heavy machine gun.
Tank climbed into the back seat with Takeo. “The fuck took you so long?” he inquired over the gunfire.
“We uh… had money to burn,” Nikolai replied, showing off the new ray gun he had acquired.
“Wait!” Dempsey cried, “I thought you said ‘comrades before mystery box!’ We nearly got gutted out there!”
“I never said that,” Nikolai laughed nervously.
“BUT DID YOU DIE?” Richtofen inquired most unhelpfully, showering Takeo and Tank with spent casings.
“You know what, Edward?” Tank shouted angrily, “if you weren’t so damn useful, I would throw your ass out of this vehicle!” Takeo shouted.
“Useful, you say? I’m flattered!” Richtofen replied gleefully. “Especially coming from you!”
“Woah, ok! Let’s bring it back down, everybody,” Nikolai reminded his passengers. “This is a very trying time for all. Edward, how much farther to the safe house?”
“About two kilometers, give or take!” Richtofen shouted. A fly flew into his mouth causing him to cough violently.
“Nature’s revenge,” Takeo muttered in satisfaction.
Tank smiled and slumped back into his seat.
“I can’t wait to take a Sunday nap,” Richtofen mused after clearing his throat one last time. He detached the gun from the vehicle and set it on his lap.
“Da! Rest for the workers!” Nikolai agreed.
Richtofen laughed and patted Nikolai on the shoulder. “Good man!” He glanced in the rear-view mirror and spotted Tank putting pressure on his neck and collar bone.
“Second thought…Forget the Sunday nap!” Richthofen exclaimed excitedly.
Tank shook his head. “ Here we go. ”
“I have SUTURES TO MAKE!” Richtofen shouted. “…and maybe A SPLEEN TO TAKE!”
“You cannot have my spleen!” Tank explained calmly. “Not now, and not ever!”
***
“Ow,” Tank winced as Richtofen gently cleaned the long, deep cut on his neck and collar bone.
“Sorry,” Richtofen apologized, tossing a blood-saturated rag to the side. He pressed a strip of fresh dressing against Tank’s neck, causing the man to flinch.
“It’s fine, I’m just complaining,” Tank muttered, looking up at the doctor as he carefully sterilized his suture kit. Edward Richtofen struck Dempsey as such an odd character. For every gram of feral madness he possessed, he also had a kilogram of loyalty.
“It’s to be expected,” Richtofen explained nonchalantly. “You’ve lost a decent amount of blood.” The doctor carefully lined up the needle and began suturing. “Two more centimeters and you would’ve been a dead man!”
“Sometimes I wonder if I am a dead man and this is my hell,” Tank grumbled while trying to relax. “What did I ever do so wrong?”
Richtofen smiled warmly and stopped briefly to squeeze Tank’s shoulder reassuringly. “Nothing, my friend. Nothing at all.”
“I hope so,” Tank wished as he tried to bury the thought.
“Besides,” Richtofen shrugged with a laugh, “if this is indeed hell, then it’s not all bad. There’s chocolate, ray guns, and good friends!”
Richtofen’s response caused a small smile to cross Tank’s lips. “You got a hell of a way of lookin’ at things, Doc.”
“Always look on the bright side of life, my dear Dempsey,” Richtofen replied as he worked up the wound. Tank moved restlessly under his hands. “Do you need some vodka for pain? Maybe Nikolai could share with you,” he offered.
“Nah, I don’t drink,” Tank explained.
“And neither should he,” Richtofen chuckled. “I have some juggernog in my backpack. You should take it after I get you patched up.”
“Now that is something I could go for,” Tank replied. He squeezed his eyes shut as the doctor sutured up his neck towards his ear.
“…And that is the last stitch!” Edward declared. He stepped back and looked at his handiwork. Not bad at all! “Now, I will not lie to you. This will leave a scar,” Richtofen warned.
“I’m not worried,” Tank laughed. “I hear it’s kinda sexy.”
“I hear splenectomy scars are in style as well..,” Richtofen added in a final attempt to tempt Tank into undergoing a wholly unnecessary surgery.
“Yeah, no. What’s with you and spleens anyway?” Tank inquired.
“What’s not to love!?” Edward exclaimed as he bandaged Tank’s neck carefully and helped him sit up.
“They are a BEAUTIFUL lymphatic organ… but I like them for their T cells most of all!” Edward replied, enraptured by the very thought of the organ.
“Makes sense,” Tank lied. Few things about the eccentric German made any sense at all.
Edward grinned and handed Tank a juggernog from his pack. “Drink up! That’s the prescription!”
“Thanks, doc,” Tank replied.
“It’s just a drink, Dempsey,” Edward laughed. “You embarrass me. Please!”
“Yeah, it is. But thanks for all that other shit you do, like taking care of the three most difficult bastards in the world,” Tank responded, giving Richtofen a rough pat on the back. The impact practically knocked the breath out of Edward.
“I like a challenge,” Richtofen replied proudly, basking in the rare, positive attention.
“Good. I’m sure there will be no shortages of those around here. I think Takeo got pretty banged up out there too.”
“Oh gott,” Richthofen replied, rolling his eyes in exasperation. “Does the doctor’s work ever end?”
.
Tank laughed. “I thought you liked your patients, Edward?”
“I take it back,” Richtofen declared tiredly. “I profoundly hate each one of you personally! Nikolai most of all! Takeo is a far second.”
Tank could hardly stop laughing.
“You test me, Dempsey!” Richtofen replied, pointing at the marine.
“Yeah. Well, what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t call you out of your bullshit?” Tank explained, leaning up against Richtofen’s workbench casually.
Richtofen looked at the marine, deeply unamused. “You would be a better one.”
Tank smiled but took pity on the worn-out doctor. “How do you like this plan: I’ll help Takeo if he needs it and cover your watch shift,” Tank offered. “That’ll let you catch up on some rest! Deal?”
Richtofen gasped with delight, “A nap? For me?! Wunderbar!”
“You want a teddy bear too?” Tank teased.
“Ja! Of course!” Richtofen replied, clearly missing the sarcasm in Tank’s offer.
“It was a joke, Edward!” Tank clarified. “Maybe you could try the mystery box for one…”
Richtofen shook his head, “you are a terrible human being, Dempsey. Rotten to the core”
“So are you, Doc” Tank replied with a smile back to the exhausted German as he rolled out his sleeping bag. “Just like the rest of this no-good crew of misfits!”