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the air outside is chilly from where jungkook stands on the balcony of his high-rise apartment complex that overlooks the seoul skyline. this is his favorite hour, when everything is bathed in gold from the setting sun. usually he would revel in the beauty of the sun on a fall evening…
but today, he doesn’t. he didn’t yesterday, and he probably won’t tomorrow, either. jungkook hasn’t reveled in the beauty of anything lately, much less even felt anything. has it been days? weeks? he isn’t sure anymore. the days all seem to blur together now. he wants to blame it on seasonal affective disorder; it’s not an uncommon occurrence, after all. when the days get shorter and and darker and the nights seem longer, it’s perfectly normal to feel a little sadder than usual. it happens to everyone. that’s what they say, at least.
but that isn’t the case. jungkook’s sadness isn’t limited to just one season. no, realistically, he knows it’s just one of those times where his brain is working against him. his therapist told him to be extra gentle with himself during these times. he tries his best but sometimes…
sometimes it’s hard.
*
jungkook heaves a deep sigh, giving one more listless glance at the darkening skyline and turns to go inside. through the glass of the balcony door, he already sees yoongi watching him. his eyes sparkle with an irrefutable fondness; it’s the kind of fondness present in the gaze of someone watching the person they love, the kind that makes your heart feel so full you think it might burst. though his smile is fond, the crease between his eyebrows and the concerned glint in his dark, catlike eyes gives away the worry he feels for the younger. seeing the sadness in yoongi’s eyes makes jungkook’s heart clench with guilt.
“i did that.” he thinks to himself. and the weight on his shoulders increases by a few more pounds.
jungkook knows how much yoongi has been worrying about him lately. he knows his behavior is off-kilter compared to his normal mannerisms. he may be sad but he isn’t stupid, and with that knowledge comes more guilt.
guilt. for worrying the love of his life. for ever making anything other than a smile appear on yoongi’s beautiful face.
guilt. another added weight to his already heavy shoulders.
guilt.
*
the flicker of concern slips from yoongi’s face and is quickly replaced by the corner of his pretty pink lips lifting just slightly, the smallest of smiles but still one of the biggest of comforts to jungkook. he tilts his head to the side, an invitation for his boyfriend to join him inside. jungkook acquiesces, sliding the glass door open and shutting it gently behind him. warmth from the apartment covers his skin and fills his bones, but it has nothing on the warmth that envelopes him when yoongi silently approaches him and wraps him in his arms. though yoongi is smaller in stature, his hugs make jungkook feel like he’s the small one. yoongi is just good like that.
yoongi is just home like that.
jungkook doesn’t realize he’s crying until he hears quiet murmuring in his ear. “shhhh,” yoongi’s deep, velvety voice soothes. “it‘s okay bun, you’re okay. hyung is here.” he feels himself being walked gently to the couch and pulled into an even tighter embrace. yoongi’s arms are the safest place in the world and jungkook never wants to leave. yoongi is the safest place in the world and if he could, jungkook would crawl inside his ribcage and live beside yoongi’s big, gentle, precious heart. where he would be safe. where the sadness can’t find him.
but he can’t do that. he’s here, and he hurts. so jungkook sits, so fragile in yoongi’s embrace, and heaves a shaky breath straight from the hole in his chest. hiccups as another sob tears through his throat. he feels a kiss pressed to the top of his head and another quiet “you’re so strong, bun. hyung is so proud. let it out, you’re so brave.” and jungkook can’t, doesn’t even want to imagine a world where yoongi isn’t the one he runs to when the world becomes too much to bear.
a world where Min Yoongi is not his safe space is not a world he wants to live in.
“hyung-“ jungkook sobs, wiping his eyes in a futile attempt to dab at the freely flowing tears that won’t seem to stop. “s-so empty, hyung. f-feel so empty.” he hears the tiniest of sniffles and knows his hyung is probably crying too. he hates himself for that, for being the reason yoongi ever sheds a single tear, but he pushes past that ugly feeling to remind himself that this is what love is; it’s comfort. it’s acceptance. it’s patience. and he knows yoongi doesn’t mind if he cries, knows yoongi wouldn’t mind if he cried every single day. knows yoongi would hold him every single time and never complain once. so he lets himself just feel.
“i know, bun. you’re so strong, though. you know that? so, so unbelievably strong. i love you so much.” yoongi whispers into his hair, placing another gentle kiss to his hairline. “so brave for me. my brave boy.” and jungkook can’t help the way his heart, though empty yet somehow still heavy at the same time, soars at the words. he wants to believe them. but just hearing them will suffice until he truly does.
“i don’t f- f-“ he stutters as another gasp for breath rips through his body. “i don’t f-feel strong, h-hyung.” jungkook has the front of yoongi’s shirt balled into his fists, holding on for dear life as if yoongi would disappear if he didn’t hold on tight enough. and yoongi is holding him just as tightly, smoothing his hair down with one hand while the other rubs gentle circles on his back. yoongi looks up, willing the tears that are gathering in his eyes away. he wants to be strong for jungkook, but it breaks his heart to see his other half like this. yoongi would do whatever it took, literally /whatever/ it took, to take the pain away. he would endure anything to keep his bun from feeling these things. he would, without hesitation, take his pain and make it his own if he could. but for now, he knows the best thing he can do for his jungkookie is simply hold him. to be present.
*
these episodes of jungkook’s weren’t entirely uncommon. he’s been going to therapy for a few years now and has since learned several breathing exercises and other coping mechanisms for when his anxiety gets worse than usual. over time, he learned how to better manage his panic attacks but breathing exercises and coping mechanisms are not cures and one can only hold things in for so long. but lucky him, he has the most patient and kind boyfriend known to man. one who understands that you don’t have to be strong /all the time/.
“kook-ah,” yoongi whispers after jungkook’s cries have quieted down to just sniffles. “wanna tell hyung what’s on your mind? you don’t have to. only if you want to. hyung will listen.” his voice is so gentle, dripping with love and concern. jungkook wants to tell him everything… so why can’t he? why can’t he open his mouth? why are his teeth clenched so tightly that his jaw is starting to ache? he doesn’t know.
“mmh,” jungkook mumbles noncommittally into the side of yoongi’s neck, eliciting a small chuckle from the elder. he can’t remember crawling into yoongi’s lap but here he is, fitting perfectly like a puzzle piece.
“what was that, baby?” yoongi asks softly. jungkook draws in a shaky breath and lifts his head to level his eyes with yoongi’s; he wants to tell him. he wants to be honest. he knows he shouldn’t feel worried or embarrassed; it’s just yoongi, after all. the love of his life. his safe place.
“i uh… well, i-“ jungkook begins but looks away, sighing. frustrated. he doesn’t know what to say.
“it’s okay baby,” yoongi mutters quietly, cupping jungkooks face in his soft hands, wiping a stray tear away with his thumb. “take your time.”
jungkook inhales and closes his eyes, gathering his thoughts. he doesn’t realize he’s chewing the skin of his bottom lip until he feels yoongi’s thumb gently pulling it from between his teeth. it’s a nasty habit he’s trying to break, but he’ll get there. “don’t hurt yourself, koo. i’m quite partial to those lips, you know.” he says before leaning in to press a soft, chaste kiss to his lips. When yoongi pulls away, he’s delighted to see the tiniest hint of a smile on jungkooks face.
jungkook leans forward, presses his forehead to yoongi’s, and begins again. “it’s j-just the same thing as last time. but… a little worse.” he pauses, sighs. he’s speaking so softly that yoongi almost has to strain to hear him even in their close proximity. “lately, hyungie, i’ve been getting this weird f-feeling where i can’t… i don’t know.” he trails off, looking helplessly off to the side of the room, trying to find the words to explain the feelings he doesn’t even understand himself. “i get this weird feeling but it’s not even a feeling… it’s more like a… lack of feelings…?” he trails off again, choosing his next words carefully. “i just don’t feel… anything, hyung. like there’s nothing there.. just empty.” his voice breaks on the last word and so does yoongi’s heart. he thinks again of how desperately he wishes he could take all of jungkooks pain away.
jungkook looks down and releases a long, trembling breath. “how can I feel so empty but still hurt so much, hyung? and why? when i have so much. i have my life, our life. i have you, hyung. you, my family, my friends, all who loves me so much. i have so many things to be happy about. so why can’t i feel anything?” his voice is so little, so quiet, wavering with so much emotion. he seems so small and fragile in this moment, so vulnerable confessing his heart right now in yoongi’s arms. and yoongi is only so strong. he blinks quickly and wipes away the tears that he didn’t realize were streaming down his face with the sleeves of his hoodie, hoping jungkook didn’t see. then he wipes away jungkook’s tears with his sweater paws too while he thinks of what to say.
yoongi is no stranger to the chokehold of anxiety and depression. he himself has fought these battles many times before. and just knowing that jungkook is feeling even one modicum of the pain yoongi has faced himself tears him apart inside.
”i don’t know, bun.” yoongi answers honestly, stroking jungkook’s cheekbone with his thumb. so softly, as if jungkook would break if he applied any more pressure. “i don’t have these answers. and i know you have a lot to be grateful for but sometimes there isn’t a reason at all, love. i know you know these things just happen. there are good days and bad days, and sometimes our brains just aren’t on our side. but you aren’t empty. you’re so full of love and everything that’s good in the world. and you’re so strong, bun. even if you don’t feel it, you are. because fighting against your own brain is so hard sometimes, but you do it. and hyung is so proud of you for that.” he finishes with a small smile and jungkook can’t help the way he stares at yoongi, like he strung the stars in the sky (and as far as he’s concerned, he did.) “hyung,” he breathes, “i feel like i don’t say it enough. but thank you. and i love you… so much.” he pauses, looks down, biting his lip. he looks back up to meet yoongi’s unwavering gaze again before continuing. “you’re so patient with me and always know what to say and i-“ he cuts off again, feeling his throat tighten not with sadness but an overwhelming surge of love and appreciation for his hyung. “i just appreciate you so much., hyung. i really do.” he finishes quietly.
and Yoongi can’t help but smile. because even when he’s at his lowest, jungkook, his sweet, precious, ever so selfless jungkookie, still makes sure to show his gratitude.
“anything for my sweet baby Koo.” he says, pulling jungkook back down into the crook of his neck, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. jungkook winds his arms around his waist and just listens. “i just hope you know that i’ll spend the rest of this lifetime reminding you how special you are and how much i love you. and then i’ll spend the next one doing the same. and the next one. and then the next one, and then the n-“
“okay, hyung!” jungkook sits up and faces yoongi with that signature scrunched nose bunny smile. “i get it. sheesh. you’re so cheesy.” he says, giggling. and it’s yoongi’s favorite sound in the whole world. his heart is doing leaps in his chest at the view in front of him. bevause jungkook smiling makes the full moon in the sky outside their window pale in comparison. he puts the stars to shame and the sun only wishes she could be half as bright. yoongi wants the smile to stay on jungkook’s face forever and he’ll spend the rest of his life trying to keep it there.
“hyung?” jungkook curiously tilts his head slightly, an amused glint in his eyes. “where’d you go just now?” and only then yoongi realizes he’s been staring, grinning like a fool. but when it’s jeon jungkook sitting in front of him, can you really blame him?
with a brain that’s empty yet simultaneously filled with nothing but a bunny toothed smile, he gently wraps his hand around the back of jungkooks neck and pulls him close, their lips only millimeters apart. “jeon jungkook, you are the most beautiful thing i have ever seen. you know that?” and he kisses him gently, a sweet little peck on the lips.
jungkook leans back a little bit with a bashful smile, ducking his head to hide the blush on his cheeks. “hyungggg~” he whines and buries his face in his hands, embarrassed. “stop it.” yoongi smiles and grabs his wrists, gently pries them away from his face. jungkook is still blushing, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth and still refusing to meet yoongi’s fond gaze.
“ummm. excuse me, sir?” yoongi said in a fake offended tone. “remember me? your boyfriend? who values your pretty lips?” he gently removes jungkook’s bottom lip from his clenched teeth for the second time. he runs his thumb over the swollen lip, reveling in the softness of the plush skin. jungkook grabs his hand, presses a soft kiss to the pad of his thumb, then nuzzles into his palm and presses a kiss there too. he holds his palm to his face and looks back up, big doe eyes that hold galaxies staring right into yoongi’s soul.
and no, yoongi will never get used to the way his heart skips a beat whenever that gaze is placed on him. because how, even with red, puffy eyes, a runny nose, and tear stained cheeks, jungkook is still the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.
“are you feeling better, bunny?” he asks. jungkook closes his eyes and nods, face still pressed into Yoongi’s palm.
“kinda wanna take a nap.” he mumbles before getting off of Yoongi’s lap and standing in front of him, holding his hand out for Yoongi to take. “come hold me?”
“bold of you to assume i wasn’t already going to do that.” Yoongi says, taking his lovers outstretched hand and following him into their bedroom. they replace their jeans with sweats and agree to take a nice, long bath after their nap because truthfully, they’re both exhausted and to yoongi, doing anything other than laying in his warm comfy bed with his warm comfy boyfriend right now sounds like torture.
jungkook crawls into bed while yoongi gets the weighted blanket from the closet and plops it on the bed, right on top of a patiently waiting jungkook. yoongi pulls the blanket up over jungkook, who is now balled up and staring up at him, and has to stop himself from cooing at his lovers big doe eyes and pouty face. he finally crawls in after him and immediately pulls the younger into a bone crushing embrace.
“hyung,” jungkook’s voice is muffled from where his face is smushed into Yoongi’s chest. “can’t breathe, hyung.”
“sorry bun, i just love you so much. you triggered my cuteness aggression so i simply had to squeeze. you know that urge to squeeze soft, cute things? well you’re a soft, cute thing… so. that’s where im at in life.” he says playfully, rewarded with a breathy chuckle from the younger, who he then feels shift in his hold. he opens his eyes to see his boyfriends face right in front of his.
“hi,” he smiles.
“hi.” yoongi replies with a smile of his own.
“thank you, hyung.”
“there’s no reason to thank me, love.”
“i know. but i want to anyway.” jungkook breathes, gaze so intense yoongi can’t help but get lost in it. “you mean so much to me, hyung. i just want you to know. i’m so glad it’s you. i’m so glad you’re the one i get to come to when i feel this way. i can’t imagine a life where it’s not you holding me while i cry.”
“well, lucky for you, little bun,” yoongi begins, booping jungkook on the nose, “you’ll never have to find out. because you’re stuck with me. for this lifetime, and the next. and the next. and the ne-“ he’s cut off by a kiss being pressed firmly to his lips to shut him up.
they’re both giggling when they part, and it just feels so /right/. jungkook snuggles into yoongi’s chest and yoongi wraps his arms tightly around him in return.
“i love you, hyung.” he murmurs sleepily, his heavy eyelids sliding shut.
“i love you too, bun.” yoongi replies in his own deep, sleepy voice.
and jungkook falls asleep like that. knowing that even when he hits his lowest of lows, and feels like he’s freefalling into an abyss…
he knows yoongi will be there to catch him. in this lifetime and the next.
and the next, and the next, and the next…