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Tony sat on his front porch, on his favorite chair, and watched as Happy Hogan drove his SUV up the driveway and parked.
Finally.
Tony had been waiting, not so patiently Pepper liked to point out, for the Parker-Hogan household to arrive all week, ever since May had called him up and asked if it were alright if they stayed the weekend.
As if he’d ever object to having anyone of them over. As if he’d ever object to having any company, ever.
It turned out that retired life was lonely once children left for kindergarten, and wives had companies to run. Many times, Tony considered making a new family of robots out in the garage, though Pepper encouraged him to go and get a pet instead.
“Gerald doesn’t count,” she had told him. “He’s mean, and antisocial.”
“My spirit animal.”
She had rolled her eyes. “You spend too much time talking to Peter and his friends.”
“Impossible,” he’d said. “The fos squad keeps me young.”
Tony tried not to act too excited while the family exited the vehicle and started collecting their bags. Tried, but failed.
He wandered down and greeted them in the driveway, immediately regretting it when he got there just in time to watch Peter pull a glass cage out from the backseat of the car. A giant, furry spider was locked inside.
“What the fuck is that?”
Peter grinned and shoved that creature in his face. “This is Fred.”
“Nope,” said Tony. “Absolutely not. You can’t bring that thing into my home.”
“Aww,” said May. “Don’t be that way, Tony. Fred can’t help it if he looks a little scary.”
“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, May, but Fred is a tarantula.”
May laughed at him, shaking her head, as if it were silly to be freaked out by a literal, hairy, creepy crawly, and walked past him, trekking up the path with her bags on her shoulder. Peter gave him an annoying little smirk, following his aunt, keeping the spider locked firmly under his arm.
“Hogan,” said Tony, as the Parkers disappeared into the lake house. “What the hell?”
Happy shut the door to the SUV. His face glistened with sweat, and the longer Tony stared at him, the more he noticed how pale he appeared to be, how easily terrified he looked.
“What?” he asked Tony, though his tense body language betrayed him. “What’s wrong?”
“Oh I don’t know,” said Tony. “Let’s start with Peter’s new freaky friend.”
Happy blinked at him and shouldered his duffel bag.
“That teenage terror is living with you now, Hap, it’s your job to make sure he doesn’t do something completely idiotic like bring an actual monster home as a pet.”
“Tarantulas are seriously misunderstood creatures, Tony,” said Happy, in a rehearsed, unconvincing tone. He sounded like a man being held hostage. “I like Fred.”
“You hate spiders.”
“I like this one.”
Tony stared at him. He knew his friend. He knew Happy Hogan was the one person alive who was more afraid of spiders than he was, so the Hagrid act wasn’t cutting it.
“When I first told you about Peter you made me swear he didn’t secretly have eight legs and fangs. You called him unnatural and creepy.”
“Ok, fine, fine,” said Happy. His eyes darted up to look at the front porch, and when he saw that Peter and May were inside, out of hearing range, he admitted. “That thing scares the living crap out of me, are you happy?”
“No. You’re Happy,” said Tony. He was a father. He had a right and responsibility to crack dad jokes, which Happy ignored.
“I’m not thrilled about sharing my apartment with a tarantula, but what can I do?” asked Happy, with a note of panic, suggesting his question wasn’t completely hypothetical. “May likes him. She thinks it’s cute Peter wants to have a spider brother.”
“Hap, what?”
“Pete can talk to him,” said Happy, scratching his head. “I walked past his bedroom once and he was up in his web hammock with the spider. They were making clicking noises at each other.”
Tony erupted with laughter, while Happy glared at him.
“I can’t believe you –“ started Tony. He caught his breath. “He’s messing with you, Hap. You really let that little shit pull that one over on you?”
“…he can’t really speak to spiders?”
“Happy, come on,” said Tony. “This is a literal Hallmark movie. Troubled teen pranks the step-parent.”
“I’m gonna kill that kid,” grumbled Happy, still mopping sweat from his forehead. “I haven’t had a decent night’s rest since he brought Fred home. I’ve been having nightmares about that thing crawling on me in my sleep.”
Tony laughed some more at his friend’s expense, and Happy grumbled some more under his breath.
“Don’t worry, I’ll talk to the kid,” he assured his friend, and together, they walked up the path leading to the front porch. “With teenagers it’s all about threats and blackmail.”
*
Tony waited until the house grew quiet, until May and Pepper had retreated to the back porch with glasses of wine, to have his conversation with Peter. Happy was downstairs in the finally fully furnished guest basement catching up on his beauty sleep, leaving Tony with the perfect opportunity to interrogate the spiderling.
Peter was already dressed and comfortable in his pajamas, and he looked entirely too cozy laid out on the couch, with two fluffy pillows stacked under his head and his leg slanted upwards, his foot resting on top of the couch. A goofy grin was plastered across his face, lit up by the glow of his cellphone.
“Kid.”
No response.
Tony rolled his eyes and snatched the phone away from the teenager.
“So much for the Peter Tingle,” said Tony. He made a big show out of slipping Peter’s cellphone into his pocket, as if he were claiming a trophy that Peter had lost.
“Told you not to call it that,” said Peter. “And it doesn’t work for annoying old men stealing phones. Only works with people who are actually dangerous.”
“Ouch,” said Tony, dripping with sarcasm. “You wound me, kid, I’m plenty dangerous.”
“Can you please just tell me what your problem is so I can text MJ back?” asked Peter, with a whine so petulant Tony considered smacking him on the head with a throw pillow.
“Sure,” said Tony. “As soon as you apologize to Happy for terrorizing him all week with a tarantula.”
Peter grinned and sat up. “Oh yeah? Terrorized?”
“Happy happens to be deathly afraid of spiders, Pete, it isn’t funny.” Tony had tried to keep a straight face, but his mouth had twitched, his facial features betraying him.
“You’re literally smiling right now,” said Peter. “And I resent you thinking my spider brother is just a joke to get at Happy. He’s part of the family. Even Happy said so.”
“Uh huh, under extreme duress.”
“You’re the only person who has a problem with Fred, Mr. Stark,” said Peter. “The rest of the family loves him.”
Unfortunately, the words Peter had said were true. Pepper and Morgan had spent the evening marveling at the tarantula through the glass of his cage, and asking Peter questions about him, while Tony and Happy observed from a safe distance and wondered if they were the only normal people around.
“Peter, be serious, what’s the deal with the spider?”
“I am serious. He’s my brother.”
“Kid,” said Tony, in the biggest get-real voice he could muster. He stared him down, but Peter remained intent on playing innocent with his big, brown doe eyes. “Eventually you’re going to be too old for the clueless act to work.”
“I am actually clueless, though. A lot of times it isn’t an act.”
“Peter.”
“Mr. Stark.”
“Tell me the truth about Fred,” he told him, “or I’ll start sending baby pictures out to all your little friends.”
Peter crossed his arms and sunk back into the couch cushions. “May’s already shown Ned and MJ my baby pictures.”
“Oh, okay, I’ll have to send them to Flash then,” said Tony. “It’s only fair. You three are always leaving him out, this way he feels included –“
“-Okay, okay fine,” said Peter. “Fred isn’t really my spider. I’m pet sitting for Flash.”
“Why does Flash have a pet tarantula?” asked Tony. He has a very vivid memory of Flash flipping out at a Decathlon meet when he saw a centipede crawling around on the wall.
Peter shrugged. “Says he wants to feel closer to Spider-Man.”
That Tony could believe.
“And you told Happy he was your pet because…”
“-It was really funny,” he told him, then broke into a smile. “Should’ve seen his face. He thinks I can talk to him.”
“That’s horrible,” said Tony, while grinning, and fighting back another round of laughter. He didn’t know why he even pretended. He wasn’t fooling Peter. “You are a menace. That angry podcaster is right. You belong in prison.”
“It was funny, though,” said Peter, still grinning obnoxiously.
“Why the sudden interest in terrorizing Happy? I thought you were okay with him and your aunt being together.”
“I am,” he said, with a small shrug. “But it’s my job now, you know, as a step-son, can’t really let Happy off easy, Mr. Stark, that’s boring.”
“Yep,” said Tony. “You’ll definitely have to apologize.”
“But-“
Tony lifted his hand to stop him. “Just think of it as my job as a mentor. Wouldn’t want to be thought of as boring.”
“No, just as lame.”
Tony hit Peter with a pillow. “Guess you won’t be getting back your phone, then.”
“Mr. Starkkkkkkk.”
He stared at the kid, waiting for him to catch on.
“You’re not gonna give it back until I apologize.”
“Oh, what do you know? You’re a genius after all.”
*
Tony was dreaming when he first felt it, a tickling sensation tapping across his face, and he smiled, because he imagined it was Pepper finally joining him in bed, kissing him. It wasn’t until it continued, and he was pulled further out from his sleep, that dread pooled in his stomach. Pepper’s lips weren’t that hairy.
His eyes snapped open in terror.
Fred was on his face.
Tony screamed, high-pitched and loud. He fought with his comforter until he rolled out of bed and onto the floor. He hit the carpet with a thud, and with some relief. There wasn’t anything on him anymore, but he still couldn’t stick around and let Fred crawl all over him a second time.
He darted out of his bedroom, stopping at the door, but only after hearing maniacal laughter.
He flipped his lights on, and that was when his extreme fear turned into an embarrassing rage. Morgan’s stuffed beaver hung from a sting. Peter Parker was stuck to the ceiling, just above the bed, holding the end, and Morgan sat in the armchair by the window, giggling too much to breathe properly.
“You kids are evil,” said Tony, wagging a finger up at Peter, who only grinned at him in response. “And not funny. You could’ve given me a heart attack.”
Peter flipped down from the ceiling and landed on his feet. The disgusting showoff.
“No way,” he said. “Your hearts too strong to be taken out by a stuffed beaver. And you owe me just a little more credit. Do you really think I’m such an irresponsible person that I’d let Fred roam free? In a house that’s hostile towards spiders?”
“Yeah, uh huh, keep it up, and you’ll see true hostility,” said Tony, giving him a playful shove. “And how much this house truly hates spiders.”
“Daddy’s lying, Peter, he gets so lonely when you don’t visit,” Morgan pipes up. She has reclaimed her stuffed, and she’s untying the string.
“I think Mr. Beaver needs a timeout, Morgunna,” said Tony. “He’s up way past bedtime.”
“Peter says bedtime is more of a suggestion than a rule.”
“Oh yeah?” asked Tony. “Then it’ll be Peter’s fault when you get put in timeout.”
“Alright, fine,” said Morgan, sighing heavily. “I’m going to bed, I’m going to bed.”
“Why does my home turn into chaos whenever you’re around?”
Peter smiled, and shrugged, and even though Tony had nearly been scared to death, he realized Morgan was right. He did get lonely whenever the Parker-Hogans go awhile without visiting, so he did the only logical thing. He spent the rest of his night plotting ways to entice them over more often.
*
It wasn’t until breakfast the next morning that Tony handed Peter back his phone.
He waited until after Peter apologizes to Happy, and took some heat from May for his lies and his pranks.
“Really May,” said Happy. “It isn’t a big deal. No harm, no foul.”
“See Happy knows how to take a joke,” said Peter.
“Yeah, of course I do, and besides, Peter can’t help it. A boy acting out in his situation is completely normal, you see Tony gave me this book –“
“-what?” Peter cut in, glaring at Tony.
Tony lifted the cereal box, and moved it strategically, hiding his smile behind it.
“It’s fine, Pete,” said Happy. “Nothing a little bonding time won’t fix.”
“… bonding time?” asked Peter, with a definite crack in his voice.
“Oh yeah, I think we’ll go on a trip. How do you feel about camping? The great outdoors? We’ll leave all our electronics, even our phones, behind. It’ll be fun.”
“That does sound like fun,” said May.
“Uh, um, I don’t know,” Peter stammered. “I’m really busy with homework and stuff.”
“I think you can afford to take some time off school, Pete, after everything you’ve been through,” said May. “A family trip sounds lovely.”
“Great,” said Happy. “I’ve also signed us up to chaperone Peter’s next fieldtrip, and his senior prom.”
“WHAT?”
Happy looked directly at Peter and said, “the book says I need to be more involved.”
Tony scooted the cereal box over and saw with great satisfaction that Peter looked thoroughly stressed.
“I will miss Fred, though,” said May. “When he goes back to live with Flash.”
“We all learned a lot from him,” saidHappy. “Didn’t we, Peter?”
*
Tony sat on his porch, a mug of his favorite coffee in one hand, and watched Morgan play fetch with Rascal. The German Shepard puppy ran like a fawn learning to walk, all awkward limbs and tripping over air, but Tony had to admit it, it was adorable, and he was happy Pepper put the idea in his head for him to get a pet.
Rascal kept him company during the day.
He gave Gerald a new mortal enemy, effectively distracting him from eating all the plants in the garden, and he grew less hostile towards Tony and Pepper as a result.
Rascal was also responsible for Peter dropping by more often on the weekends. Tony didn’t mind it took a puppy to entice his family to visit, he was just happy Rascal only had four legs.