Work Text:
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December 3rd, 4:00 PM
I still remember the third of December, the day Shuichi and I had made a promise to hang out with each other after school.
It had been raining, but I wanted to keep my promise and told him that I didn’t care, and if he didn’t show up I would hate him forever.
Though, no matter what I couldn’t hate him.
If it had been anyone else, I would have ditched them. I dreaded the thought of getting my clothes wet and having to walk home feeling the clothes against my skin.
But for him, it wouldn’t matter. For him, I could put up with it.
Shuichi was keen. He always was. I mean, for someone aspiring to be a detective he had to be. It would be really stupid dream to achieve if he wasn’t.
The stupid emo boy had noticed me shivering, and offered me his coat. He said, “it would look better on you rather than me, Kokichi.”
I knew what he was trying to do. He didn’t want to point out my obvious shivering as we walked to the cafe.
He didn’t want to embarrass me.
I told him I didn’t care nor need his stuff, but since he was practically begging me to take it, I might as well.
If only he knew how much I liked him, how when I zipped up his jacket I savored his sweet scent. A scent that was unique only to Shuichi, well I like to imagine it was. Hey, don’t come here and crush my dreams. The scent of books, perfectly summed up that stupid emo bookworm.
We arrived at our destination shortly after, a cute little cafe. I had a slice of strawberry cake, and grape Panta which surprisingly the cafe had. I wouldn’t argue about that though, it was my all time favorite. Boring, plain, little Shuichi had a black coffee. That’s it, no cream nor sugar. Just pure bitterness/
Typical.
I expected it though.
I knew what he was going to get.
I pretty much guessed what he was going to get before we even arrived, and when my guess was proven correct…
…I felt happy.. Being able to know his tastes, it felt like I won a prize.
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December 4th, 9:00 AM
I remembered arriving at class that day, hoping to speak to Shuichi soon. Honestly, it was stupid that what I looked forward in my day was just was seeing him.
Getting out of bed seemed like a challenge most days. Everyday.
But just thinking of him, being able to tease, talk to him, and just.. Have him try to understand me.. Made it all okay.
I walked to class with a grin, Shuichi seemed distant though.
I tried talking to him, and he seemed so out of it. He had something on his mind. Then she walked by, Shuichi’s gaze quickly snapped by towards her.
What a sight for sore eyes, having to see how Shuichi’s eyes twinkled with hope and happiness, and something more. Knowing that his eyes never looked at me like that.
Kaede had him all memorized, while I died, feeling my heart crack up inside.
I felt a lump in my throat and just quickly muttered that I had to go to the bathroom. I ignored the tears starting to form in my eyes, realizing the truth. I would never cry over something as pathetic as this, but whatever lies I had built up for myself had all come to one conclusion.
Lies had many outcomes, but even a liar like me had to escape the one painful, bitter truth.
The naive innocence I uncharacteristically wanted to believe in, how every look he gave me could possibly be something more, all the wishful thinking was exactly that. Wishful thinking.
Nothing less, nothing more.
He just viewed me as a friend, well probably something less than that. I constantly annoyed and bugged him but I didn’t want him to forget me. I just wanted to be memorable to him, have him think of me. If that meant having to annoy him, so be it. I couldn’t care less what others thought of me. But that was a lie too.
I closed the stall as I fell down on the floor, brought my knees to my chest as choked sobs softly escaped my lips. I would never tell anyone, ever. I don’t want anyone to find out I was crying over some stupid boy. That boy being Shuichi Saihara.
My breath quickened, my heart raced, my thoughts swirled around in my head. Why would he ever kiss me?
It was last summer, we were out at the lake together. Just us two. We were sitting by the edge, dipping our feet in the water, him laughing softly at my jokes.
We were sitting close by each other, our thighs brushing against each other and I tried my best not to mind it. I didn’t care, well I didn’t want to care. I didn’t want to think about the closeness. How I could see his pretty eyelashes up close, his beautiful amber orbs.
It wasn’t until he cupped my cheek, and brushed my bangs from my face that I felt frozen. I couldn’t think of a mask to place on my face, I probably had some dumb fazed expression mixed with bright red cheeks. Not like Shuichi over there was any better, if I was red, he had to be at least ten times redder. I remember the sweet bliss I felt when he moved in, and our lips finally connected.
Then he apologised the next day.
I t wasn’t fair. To kiss me, to tease, play with my emotions and then just take back like it was nothing.
But even then, I couldn’t hate him. I still wanted him in my life, I believed that we could still remain friends, that just his happiness would be enough. It hurt so much.
Why would he ever kiss me? I am not even half as pretty as Kaede.
I don’t know how long I stayed there for, but if I didn’t head back soon Shuichi would be worried and look for me.
At least that’s what I wanted to believe. So I headed back with a heavy heart.
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December 7th, 10:00AM
I walked through the halls lazily, not paying attention. Me and Shuichi had usually walked to our second period together, but I hadn’t seen him at all.
“Hey, Kokichi!”
I was looking on the ground and decided to look up. I don’t know why I just did - I should have just ignored it. But I had to look, when I heard the sweet melody of his voice.
I watched Shuichi as he held Kaede’s hand, standing together. He smiled and put an arm around her shoulder. I felt cold, remembering the rainy night we walked to the cafe together, his jacket giving me warmth.
I wanted to hate her, I wish she was a horrible person so I had a reason to justify my hatred for her. The truth was, I didn’t really know Kaede. I wasn’t close to her, she was friends with Shuichi and his group of friends. All they had to say about Kaede was positive, sweet things. How she was, pretty, understanding, kind, just the perfect angel. How could I hate her?
But then again, kinda wish she were dead. That way maybe, I could have had a better chance with Shuichi.
I gave him a lazy grin, and waved. I walked past them, ignoring them holding hands. What a sight for sore eyes, I hadn’t seen Shuichi all day and when I did, I had to see the boy I fell for with another. “I’m happy for you,” I said as I brushed past him.
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12:00 PM
Kaede has Shuichi all memorized, while I die.
Why would Shuichi even kiss me? Why was I stupid enough to think I had a chance? He deserves someone like Kaede, someone so kind and nice.
Not some stupid liar pratically everyone hates. Rather, someone who could be honest and express their feelings.
Not someone worthless like me.
Shuichi gave Kaede his sweater, it was just polyester. A stupid, meaningless sweater. That’s all I told myself as I tried to forget the sweater I had kept on my desk chair in my bedroom, the one I never gave back to Shuichi. The one I told him I lost.
The one I hugged and clutched. I felt so cold without Shuichi’s sweater wrapped around me. I wish instead of the sweater that belonged to him, it was actually him.
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December 8th, 1:00 AM
Shuichi liked Kaede better, that’s all there was to it. No sugar coating, no fancy words, no lies, just the honest truth. I had to accept it.
I wish I was Kaede.
But I wasn’t.
I closed my eyes, hoping that sleep would hit me soon. I spent most of the night just pitying myself, not that I’d ever admit that to anyone.
Listening to sad love songs, you name it. Oh please, I called Shuichi an emo all the time, and now here I am, the irony.
But now, I was yearning to sleep, to finally get away from this bitter reality into a world of fantasy.
A universe of happiness and love, of good things. A world where I would finally just feel completed. Because I would have him by my side.
A world where I would gaze into his eyes, we would hold hands without shame or a care in the world.
One where Shuichi was mine and I was his.
It would be one where Shuichi would finally tell me he loved me.