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Maybe Dongsik shouldn’t have accepted that second drink and maybe he shouldn’t be participating in this game and maybe he shouldn’t have even come to this party.
Either way, there was no turning back from any of those three things, and Dongsik was totally in it.
It had been his classmate Sungho’s idea to throw a party for the whole major, and since everyone loved Sungho, everyone showed up. Everyone and their significant other— which Dongsik resented, being very single himself— were there, which meant that the little house that Sungho had rented was really showing how little it was. Being somewhat of a social butterfly himself, Dongsik knew most of the people from his major, but there were only a few that he was actually close to:
Go Sungho, who had wasted no time in introducing himself to Dongsik his very first day at university, quickly cementing himself in Dongsik’s life as he invited him pretty much everywhere.
Jung Seungbo, his roommate who was like a real older brother to him, but also was a bit like an old man and had to be thoroughly convinced before he would go to any sort of party.
Jang Yunho, Seungbo’s friend from high school who made many appearances at their dorm and therefore allowed Dongsik to get to know him and his kind personality very well.
Park Yoosung and Lim Jihun, the inseparable duo (despite their contrasting personalities) who had been Dongsik’s lab partners once freshman year, and were such interesting people that Dongsik couldn’t allow them to stop being friends with him after the semester ended.
And Guk Seungjun…well. Seungjun was a year younger than him, and they’d met about a year ago in their shared dance class. It had been easy to befriend Seungjun: his personality complimented Dongsik’s perfectly, with his easygoing attitude and jokes that constantly bordered on immature. He was exactly who Dongsik needed, someone to not only indulge his constant quips, but also add to them. It was too easy to become friends with Seungjun.
It was also too easy to fall in love with him.
Dongsik hated to admit to himself how drastically his feelings for his friend had begun to change starting…well, he wasn’t even quite sure when it had started. All he knew was that one day, out of the blue, Seungjun had done something stupid like hold his hand for a joke or whatever, and then Dongsik‘s heart had fluttered. Freaking fluttered. Without warning, Seungjun’s smile looked different to him. His dimples, which Dongsik had never taken real notice of, were suddenly beyond endearing. The way they joked starting feeling different too, approaching what was starting to seem like flirting, though Dongsik couldn’t tell if that was just his overactive imagination making things up.
In any case, Dongsik found himself at this party on a Friday night, one too many drinks in his system, and sitting with a few too many people in a circle on the floor of the house’s living room. They had elected to play Never Have I Ever, a game that Seungbo had taught him at some point, so at least he didn’t have to ask for the rules. His brain was a bit fuzzy— nothing he couldn’t handle— but his focus was still there. He still wasn’t sure it was gonna be such a good idea to play a game where you’re supposed to spill your secrets while slightly buzzed, but he figured the game probably wouldn’t get too crazy anyway.
It started simply enough, with slightly lame prompts like “Never have I ever been to another country,” or “Never have I ever eaten seafood.” The first interesting prompt came in the form of Sungho’s sly “Never have I ever kissed someone on the first date.”
Dongsik, having never really had any successful dates in the first place, wouldn’t be putting down a finger. He couldn’t stop his eyes from flicking towards Seungjun to see what his answer was. Seungjun still had the same amount of fingers up, and Dongsik wasn’t quite sure how to feel about it. It was dangerous territory as it was to put “Seungjun” and “kiss” in the same sentence, so he let it go as quickly as possible.
“Never have I ever…” Yunho started from his spot next to Sungho, “Kissed someone of the same gender!”
A few fingers went down around him, and Dongsik joined them in nonchalantly putting a finger down. He didn’t think his sexual orientation was such a secret, even to people who didn’t know him that well. It had been a conscious choice of his that as soon as he arrived at college he would quit hiding who he was and find his confidence to make it no big deal.
There were plenty of people who he was sure weren’t quite so confident, and his eyes went back to Seungjun. It wasn’t that he was really expecting anything, but he still couldn’t help feeling a bit disappointed to see that Seungjun did not put down a finger. It wasn’t all that surprising, but it felt a little like squashing the last bit of hope that Dongsik had from his stupid one-sided crush. His eyes traveled up and that’s when he realized Seungjun was staring at him. Seungjun quickly moved his gaze away, but the moment had still happened and Dongsik wasn’t quite sure how to decipher it. It couldn’t be surprising to Seungjun that Dongsik was gay or that he’d kissed boys, right? Even though they’d gotten very close over the past year, that wasn’t the type of thing they’d ever discussed, but it wasn’t something that Dongsik tried to hide either.
Dongsik was saved from thinking too hard about it by Eunseong, one of the seniors, who was clearing her throat and preparing for her turn.
“Never have I ever had a secret crush on someone in this room!”
Silence fell over the room and nobody moved. It was doubtful that not a single person in the room had ever had a secret crush, even excluding the preexisting couples. It was much more likely that no one wanted to admit it. Not one to lie, Dongsik put a finger down as slowly and quietly as possible, hoping no one would notice.
No such luck.
“YANG DONGSIK!!!” Eunseong all but screeched at him, and Dongsik could feel his face turning a deep red as all heads turned to look at him. He could hear a quiet chorus of “Who is it?”s through the low, excited chatter.
“Oh my god,” sophomore Seoyoung piped up beside her, “We are so playing Truth or Dare after this to get the answer out of you.” Dongsik hid his face in his arms and promptly wished for nonexistence. Why did he have to be so charming and popular? If no one knew his name he would not be in his current situation, but alas, he had made himself the center of attention a few too many times. He could feel Seungbo’s reassuring pat on the arm but nothing was saving him now. Dongsik was pretty sure Seungbo had figured out his crush by then but he wasn’t ready for anyone else to find out, especially Seungjun himself. The mortification…
The game finished without much incident, Dongsik being one of the losers and having to take a shot— which he didn’t quite mind, since he was done being so sober anyway. Unfortunately for him, the group was determined to play Truth or Dare, so he decided to just suck it up and deal with it. He was crafty and witty and he would find a way to not get caught by everyone, despite the disadvantage of his brain not being at its full potential.
“Dongsik-ah, truth or dare?” Eunseong started the game, wasting no time.
“Wait, wait,” Seungbo quickly spoke up for him, “Don’t we have to spin a bottle or something to pick who we ask a question to?”
“Right, sorry.” Eunseong reached over to grab the soju bottle in front of Sungho. She downed the small amount of alcohol left in the bottle in one go and placed it on the floor in front of her, giving it a spin. Not waiting for the bottle to finish, she stopped it with her hand and turned it so that it purposely faced Dongsik. “Anyway, Dongsik-ah, truth or dare?”
Dongsik shot her a look but considered his options anyway. There was no way in hell he was gonna pick truth, so they were just gonna have to get creative.
“Dare.”
Eunseong paused for a moment, deep in thought. Then,
“I dare you to kiss your crush.”
Dongsik tried to tune out the hoots and hollers of the crowd, desperately wishing to turn back the clock and go back in time to stop himself from coming to this party. He mentally imagined it for a moment, what would happen if he actually went through with the dare. He couldn’t even imagine revealing his crush to this crowd, let alone actually kissing Seungjun. In front of everybody, no less. There was just no possible scenario in which it would go well. For a tiny, desperate moment, he considered just turning to the side and kissing Seungbo instead as a cover, but he figured that would probably cause a few more problems than he was willing to deal with.
Out of options, Dongsik wordlessly took a shot instead. His action was met with disappointed jeers and boos. Having just about enough, Dongsik rose from his spot and promptly left the room, leaving the noise behind him. He was mentally drained, and really needed some space and some air.
The front porch of the rental house was exactly the space he needed. He leaned on the front railing and took a deep breath, allowing himself to take in his surroundings: The sky was a deep purple, a stunning backdrop for the smiling crescent moon. The breeze was light, crisp enough to be refreshing but not chilly enough to need a jacket. The lamppost across the street buzzed and flickered slightly. Every detail grounded Dongsik more and more, calming his spinning head and pounding heart.
“Hey.” Seungbo’s voice was soft behind him, but Dongsik still jumped.
“Hey,” Dongsik mumbled back as Seungbo settled next to him on the railing.
“Let’s talk, yeah?” Seungbo always had a way of reading him and knowing whenever something was wrong. It was the reason why he guessed Seungbo already knew what was up, and because of that he hoped that he wouldn’t have to put it into words.
“I don’t know what you want me to say,” Dongsik pushed back, always one to put up a fight, even when it was unnecessary. Seungbo was just trying to help, but Dongsik as usual was having a difficult time letting himself be vulnerable.
“You’ve never told anyone about this…crush of yours, have you?” Seungbo’s voice was still gentle, not paying any mind to Dongsik’s bristly response. With effort, Dongsik mumbled back a “No…”
“Then won’t it make you feel better to tell someone about it? Share the burden a little?”
Dongsik was unable to make eye contact with Seungbo, but he knew Seungbo was looking at him with those earnest eyes. His roommate and hyung was too good to him, and Dongsik felt like he really didn’t deserve him sometimes. It wasn’t that he treated Seungbo badly, but Seungbo was always so genuine and Dongsik…well, Dongsik often had a hard time expressing his genuine feelings and hid behind a prickly wall of quips and jokes. Maybe now, with the help of some soju, he could push back the thorns a bit and put some of his trust in Seungbo, who he knew would never betray him.
“It’s so dumb…so fucking dumb…” Dongsik muttered through gritted teeth.
“What is?” Seungbo prompted patiently.
Everything, he wanted to say. Everyone pressuring me and people wanting to embarrass me and this stupid fucking crush in general.
“Feelings,” is what he eventually said.
“Have you ever considered acting on your feelings?”
Dongsik let out a bitter laugh at that. “There’s no way he likes me back. I don’t even think he’s…” Dongsik let that sentence trail off, putting his face in his hands with a pathetic groan. He felt Seungbo’s hand rest on his back, rubbing soothing circles into his shoulder blades. Why couldn’t these types of things be easy? Why couldn’t he get up the courage to actually do something about his feelings? And why did his feelings have to be for Seungjun, of all people? Seungjun, who he couldn’t even read?
“Maybe sit down and actually have a serious conversation with him?” Seungbo suggested lightly. “I know it’s not your style, or his either, but it might be helpful for both of you to be on the same page about some things.” Ah. So Seungbo did figure it out. That saved Dongsik some time, at least. And Seungbo’s suggestion made sense but just the thought of actually sitting down and being serious with Seungjun about stuff like that made him genuinely sick to his stomach.
“Let’s get you home,” Seungbo decided, pulling Dongsik’s arm gently. “I think you’ve had enough feelings for one night.” Dongsik gave a weak snicker and allowed Seungbo to pull him away from the railing.
“Thanks, hyung,” he whispered softly, hoping the words would reach Seungbo’s ears before drifting away in the wind.
***
It took almost a full day and a recovery from a mild hangover before Seungjun texted him. It wasn’t completely out of the ordinary to not hear from him all day, but Dongsik couldn’t help but feel disappointed every time his phone buzzed and the name on the text wasn’t “Loser #1.”
Then again, he probably should have been careful of what he wished for, because Loser #1’s text at 8pm read,
Can I come over tonight? I just got a new game and I need someone to play it with.
It wouldn’t be like Dongsik to refuse him, so he sent back his permission and fully prayed that he would be able to act normal despite the previous night’s events. Still, he couldn’t stop his heart from restricting in panic as soon as he heard the knock on his front door. Seungbo was out for the night— staying over at Yunho and Jihun’s dorm to finish a project with Yunho— so Dongsik had to collect his feelings together and answer the door himself. He was a grown up. He could do this.
Seungjun’s bright smile that greeted him the moment he opened the door was almost enough to make Dongsik give up, shut the door in his face, and maybe even change schools. Ignoring his dramatic side, Dongsik invited his friend inside. Friend, he reminded himself. F-R-I-E-N-D, friend. This was his good friend Seungjun whom he’d always been comfortable with. Sure, things had gotten a little complicated recently, but he could put those things aside and remember what it was like to relax and spend time with his friend.
It didn’t take long for Dongsik to force his heart to settle down as the two of them settled back into their usual banter. Seungjun was reclined next to him on his bed, the two of them being propped up by Dongsik’s pillows as they played the game hooked up to Dongsik’s TV. Seungjun was saying something about how unfair it was that Dongsik was kicking his ass already and Dongsik couldn’t stop his smile from spreading across his face. He felt a lightness in his heart as he realized how easy it was to be around Seungjun, to be with Seungjun. The lightness, of course, was followed by a heavy twinge as his brain reminded him that this was as far as he was allowed to take things with Seungjun, and he was going to have to be satisfied with that.
About forty-five minutes into the game, Dongsik began to realize that Seungjun had started to become quieter. He wasn’t reacting to the game as much as he had been in the beginning and his teasing remarks were suddenly fewer and farther between. When Dongsik risked a glance over, he was surprised to see his friend chewing on his bottom lip anxiously, brows furrowed.
“Hey, Seungjun-ah,” Dongsik said gently, setting his controller down beside him, “Is everything okay?”
“What? Yeah, uh…” Seungjun jumped, seemingly shocked that Dongsik had caught on to his mood. “Let’s just finish this up.”
Dongsik nodded, worry suddenly tying his stomach into knots. Unable to focus, he lost his early lead, but clearly Seungjun had no focus either because he allowed the CPU characters to beat both of them. Clearing his throat awkwardly, Dongsik put their controllers aside and shut off the TV.
“Alright, spill, what’s got you so worked up?” Dongsik forced himself to say through the thick lump in his throat. Seungjun fidgeted, playing with a string on Dongsik’s blanket as he continued to chew on his bottom lip. Dongsik sighed.
“I know you bringing over this game was just an excuse because you needed to talk to me,” Dongsik continued even though his mouth was so dry he was surprised his tongue was even functional. “So what’s up? What do you need to talk about?” He hoped he sounded genuine enough for Seungjun to feel comfortable talking to him, but it was just so damn difficult since they rarely ever got serious with each other. But, his friend was clearly struggling with something and as the hyung and his close friend, he was ready to listen. And probably give bad advice if necessary.
“Well…I was just wondering…” Seungjun finally started, voice low and eyes looking anywhere but Dongsik’s face. “You know a lot about, like, LGBT stuff, right?”
Dongsik froze, not expecting that to be the topic of conversation. Sure, he definitely prided himself on being well educated about his community, but Seungjun suddenly asking about it was throwing him off.
“Uh, yeah, sure.” Dongsik tried desperately to keep his voice even and casual. “Is there something you’re curious about?”
Seungjun paused for a long moment, most likely contemplating the best way to phrase whatever he was trying to ask. All the while, his fingers picked at the frayed edges of the blanket, which was incredibly distracting to Dongsik— not only because his favorite blanket was becoming slightly unraveled, but also because Seungjun’s hands were unfortunately a big focus point for Dongsik. He forced himself to look away and instead tried focusing on Seungjun’s face. Seungjun was refusing to look at him so Dongsik didn’t have to worry about eye contact. After what seemed like an eternity, Seungjun finally spoke, words beginning to tumble out.
“I’m just wondering, like, how do you deal with people knowing you’re…gay? Like how do you tell them? And how do you get so, so confident about it? Like, there are so many people who are so hateful about it so like, how do you know who to tell? I’ve never told anyone, but it seems like you’ve told almost everyone. I mean, except for me for some reason, but still, how do you get brave enough to tell people?”
Dongsik’s brain helpfully decided to completely stop functioning. This was a topic Dongsik had never come close to touching with Seungjun, so he’d never imagined his friend had those sorts of thoughts in his head. There was a whole lot to unpack, and his broken brain was working overtime trying to decipher it all. After a long minute of trying to figure out what the hell to say to Seungjun’s deluge of sudden information, all his mouth could manage was, “You’re…gay?”
Seungjun buried his face in his hands, ears immediately turning the most endearing shade of red. “You don’t have to say it like that!” he whined. Dongsik laughed in spite of everything.
“Say it like what?” Even though his head was spinning and he was still struggling to comprehend this sudden revelation, he couldn’t help but feel a slight amusement at Seungjun’s embarrassment. “Am I really the first person you’ve ever told?”
Seungjun nodded, not removing his face from his hands. Dongsik suddenly had the overwhelming urge to hug him or something worse like give him a kiss on the top of his head. As strange as everything felt, he was still aware of a warmth in his heart from the trust that Seungjun was showing him.
“Do you wanna…talk about it?” Dongsik suggested awkwardly, still unsure of what to do in such a situation.
“Not really?” Seungjun mumbled. “It’s just a fact, you know?”
Right. Just a fact. It was just a fact that his best friend turned crush was also secretly gay. Just one of those no-big-deal facts that Dongsik happened not to know about until that very moment. In that same moment, something suddenly occurred to him.
“Hold on, then why didn’t you put a finger down that one time during last night’s game?!” Dongsik accused, aware that Seungjun probably hadn’t had the confidence to admit it, but still feeling a bit bitter at how disappointed he’d felt after seeing Seungjun still holding up the same amount of fingers.
Seungjun finally lifted his face from his hands, throwing them up and exclaiming miserably, “WELL, I’VE NEVER ACTUALLY KISSED A BOY, SO…”
Dongsik was staring before he even realized he was staring. The only thing that brought him back to reality was the fact that Seungjun was staring right back at him. For some reason, though, Dongsik couldn’t bring himself to look away. A sudden boldness washed over him as he held eye contact with Seungjun.
“Do you want to change that?” Dongsik’s voice was barely above a whisper, but the way Seungjun swallowed nervously, eyes flicking down for just a moment, told Dongsik that Seungjun had heard him loud and clear. The visible response helped Dongsik to not back down, despite how heavily his heart was pounding in his chest and how much his hands were shaking. This was not like him— well, it kind of was like him, or at least how he’d been during his freshman year. Fresh out of high school and ready to unapologetically be himself, he’d kissed his fair share of guys by being charming at parties and other campus events. This, however, was different. This was the first time that he was pursuing a relationship that would really matter to him. He did not want to fuck this up, and he desperately hoped that he wasn’t making the worst mistake of his life.
Seungjun was chewing on his bottom lip again, but Dongsik didn’t miss the way he kept glancing down at Dongsik’s lips as if contemplating the offer. Hoping to help his decision-making, Dongsik leaned forward into Seungjun’s space, holding his eye contact. Seungjun surprisingly kept the eye contact, but his gaze was shaky.
“Is this…really okay?” Seungjun murmured, and Dongsik gave him a slow nod. His heart was fully leaping into his throat watching the gears turn in Seungjun’s head. Dongsik couldn’t help but feel a little crazy as he leaned forward just a bit more, letting his breath ghost over Seungjun’s lips.
It was Seungjun who then made the move to close the distance between them. It was quick and without grace, the way Seungjun flung his arms around Dongsik’s neck and pressed their lips together, clearly inexperienced. Dongsik let out a small noise of surprise at Seungjun’s fervor, but swiftly adjusted and allowed himself to take control a bit, resting his hands on either side of Seungjun’s face and kissing him more gently. Seungjun responded well, kissing Dongsik back at a much slower and refined pace. Dongsik sighed into Seungjun’s lips, a sort of euphoria spreading through him as he finally allowed himself to do something he’d been wanting to do for a long time.
Not wanting to take the kiss too far on their first time, Dongsik pulled away slowly. His heart nearly burst as he caught sight of Seungjun’s face: cheeks dusted pink, eyes a bit unfocused and dazed, and lips glistening.
“What the fuck…what the fuck…” Seungjun murmured. Dongsik’s eyes widened, hoping it was a good “what the fuck” and not a bad one. He didn’t think he was a bad kisser but if something as crazy as kissing Seungjun could happen to him, anything was possible.
“So that’s what it’s supposed to feel like!” Seungjun’s eyes became filled with wonder as he touched his lips with a careful finger.
“That…?” Dongsik struggled to follow Seungjun’s train of thought, brain still a bit foggy from the kiss and how absolutely radiant Seungjun looked after it.
“Sorry, hyung.” Seungjun laughed nervously. “This wasn’t my first kiss, but…when I forced myself to kiss a girl in high school, it definitely didn’t feel like this.”
Dongsik was pretty sure he was going to pass out. It took effort to hold back the ‘So it was good?’ comment, but he was really struggling to figure out what to say next. He certainly hadn’t seen this scenario coming in a million years so where the hell was he supposed to go from here?
“Did it feel…good for you, too?” Seungjun’s voice was tiny and filled with insecurity. The way he was looking at Dongsik with the most captivating and downright adorable puppy dog eyes was almost enough to make Dongsik spill every single feeling in his heart. Almost.
“I kinda like you,” Dongsik admitted, though it wasn’t quite the full truth. He decided not to let the full extent of his feelings out just yet, not wanting to scare Seungjun away. However, Seungjun’s response took him by complete surprise.
“I’m not gonna lie, I’ve had a crush on you pretty much since the day we met…”
For not the first time that night, Dongsik was convinced he must have been in some sort of alternate reality. His entire world was being turned upside down by one dimpled, slightly immature, but kind-hearted boy.
“You’re insane,” Dongsik snickered in lieu of giving a serious response. He shoved Seungjun by the shoulder to cover up how absolutely shaken he was by the confession. “Me? You like me? What’s there to even like?”
“I know, right?” Seungjun taunted right back, earning himself another shove. He slapped Dongsik’s arm before reaching over him to grab his controller.
“One more round, and this time I’m gonna beat your ass since I’m back to my normal self!” Seungjun announced. Dongsik laughed, shaking his head but grabbing his controller all the same.
And things did go back to normal, the two of them playing together comfortably— except this time, Seungjun rested his head on Dongsik’s shoulder during breaks in the game, and whenever Seungjun would win a round Dongsik gave him a small kiss on the head. The more they fell into a rhythm the more Dongsik realized that the way the night had unfolded wasn’t so crazy.
Maybe this was how things were meant to be all along.