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jisung does set chan straight on his assumption that jisung’s living in an abusive household.
one day, when chan walks him home because he’s feeling worried about jisung, he offers up his apartment as a safe space once again. and jisung tells chan as earnestly as he possibly can that nobody’s ever hit him or punished him in an abusive manner, because that’s the truth.
jisung also tells chan that he doesn’t live in an abusive household at all, but jisung’s sure the unspoken “anymore” that follows that statement is loud enough that chan hears it. jisung can tell by the look on his face no matter how subtle the shift in emotion is.
chan’s surely blowing this out of proportion in his mind already. that jisung was abused when he was younger.
jisung knows chan’s probably got some crazy scenarios floating around in his head where jisung’s in danger or scared for his safety. something dramatic just like the tv shows and movies and psa’s they play on tv every once in a while. and jisung has honestly wished that were his case before, but it’s just not.
jisung only found out it constituted as abuse when he was 18 years old in his first (and only) year of college. in some kind of sociology class where types of abuse was an entire unit. where he sort of realized that his home environment was significantly less normal than he thought it was. that maybe it’s unhealthy for your parents to use you as their therapist and try to guilt you into choosing them for the inevitable custody battle. and maybe your dad isn’t supposed to emotionally manipulate you into giving him your allowance so he can buy god knows what with it. and maybe jisung was neglected after all, but he didn’t think it counted because he was clothed, fed, and relatively clean.
maybe jisung’s mom wasn’t supposed to buy him meals jisung told her a million times he wasn’t hungry enough to eat. maybe she wasn’t supposed to scream at him in the middle of restaurants and then leave him there to walk home all by himself at the ripe age of 13. maybe jisung wasn’t supposed to have a plan in mind for where to stay and who to go to just in case she decides to kick him out of the house.
but chan’s getting ahead of himself, surely.
jisung’s mom isn’t like that anymore and he hasn’t seen his dad in years. jisung’s not being abused at home. he’s just kind of there , but he’s out of his mom’s way and things haven’t been like that for nearly two years now. so jisung is okay and chan’s a big hearted dummy who’s worrying over nothing right now.
“my offer still stands,” is all chan says.
jisung wonders if chan knows deep down inside that jisung is never going to take up his offer. if he knows jisung will never be able to come over uninvited because jisung doesn’t think he’ll ever have the place in someone’s life to come into their space like that.
chan understands jisung in this odd way that jisung doesn’t get but he’s grateful for all the same because he’s bad at being vulnerable with people and chan just seems to read jisung like he’s a slightly complicated book.
chan cares for jisung quietly and intensely, like maybe he’s been in jisung’s position before and jisung hates that poor chan’s ever had to feel that way. he wonders how chan’s come out of it being so incredibly kind and gentle, because jisung’s come out of it with mile high walls built around him and a nasty urge to snap at people who are a bit too invested in how he really is.
jisung wants to be a bit mean to chan sometimes. he isn’t used to kindness without a motive behind it and it makes him feel like a caged dog who’s ready to bite the first hand that appears in front of him. it’s uncomfortable and weird.
but jisung resists almost every time the urge comes up. he doesn’t want to hurt chan or make chan feel like jisung isn’t eternally grateful for their friendship. chan doesn’t deserve that. and jisung doesn’t want to drive chan and changbin away.
if there’s one thing that does make jisung snap like the riled up caged dog, it’s his mother standing in front of him and talking at him. not to him, just at him.
right now, she’s standing in jisung’s bedroom doorway (did she knock before she came in? never does.) talking at jisung. she’s trying to remind him of the chores and acts of common courtesy that come with living with other people. which is rich, considering jisung is actually the one person in the house who actively does all of those chores.
“turn the light off when you leave the bathroom,” she says.
“i do that,” he says tiredly.
he wonders if his mom notices that it’s only been an issue since his brother came home.
“and can you not turn the overhead light on when you go in the kitchen at night? the light shines under my door and it makes it hard to sleep. i have work early in the morning, you know.”
“i don’t use the overhead light at night.”
“and clean up after yourself. stop leaving paper towels and wrappers on the counter.”
jisung feels his blood boil.
he just knows the true culprit of the messiness and disarray of the house isn’t going to get this same list of reminders. his brother can leave everything a mess and he can use all the dishes in the house and never take his pots and pans off the stovetop and jisung’s mother will walk up to jisung and talk at him like she’s accusing him of making such a mess.
his mother never really talks to him anymore. she mostly talks at jisung to subtly accuse him of not doing chores or misplacing something. it’s her one hobby outside of working and talking about her job.
“i don’t know why you’re telling me all of this,” jisung says shortly.
she gives him a glare.
“just clean up after yourself.”
“i do!”
then his mom steps out of the doorway and closes the door behind her like she doesn’t feel like bothering with jisung anymore. and jisung immediately hates himself for being short with her. he knows she works a lot and she’s tired, but jisung’s fed up with being talked at about things he already knows and has been doing his whole life.
he’s got to be on a top 10 list for most shitty sons.
jisung logically knows he shouldn’t be this temperamental and short with her. it doesn’t do either of them any good and jisung always ends up hating himself afterward and feeling apologetic toward his mother no matter how much he kind of hates her. and he feels ashamed of himself because his mom and brother have grown out of being so snappy and mean, but jisung’s still stuck acting hostile.
jisung’s father was worse than his mom and he’s probably the one who made his mother so hostile and short with everyone. but jisung sort of misses him sometimes and wants his dad back in his life.
when jisung was too young to understand what was going on and why his dad was a bad person, they got along. in fact, jisung was his father’s favorite child and even with how low jisung’s self worth has always been, he’s certain his father loved him with everything he had.
they used to watch movies together and listen to music when jisung’s mom wasn’t home. he introduced jisung to rap and his love for music. jisung’s dad used to teach him how to draw and he made funny comics for jisung and even though he wasn’t home a lot, he still played with jisung more often than his mother did.
jisung’s dad would always sit down with him on a regular basis and tell jisung how proud he was to have such a smart kid. he’d tell jisung how happy he was to have jisung as his child and how much he loved jisung. jisung’s dad was pretty much the only person to do that for him, come to think of it.
then the divorce happened and jisung picked his mom in the custody battle because she’s the less turbulent option and jisung knows his dad isn’t fit to be a dad full time. his dad sort of disowned him after that because he felt betrayed by jisung. he tried to contact jisung last year, but nothing ever happened because he found out what jisung looks like now and that was enough to turn him off from reconnecting.
his dad’s a shitty person and jisung knows. has known since he reached middle school and could finally assess the situation with a better perspective. he’s overall a bad dude who fucked jisung up and ruined their home environment and put so much strain on their lives.
jisung misses being loved by a parent, though. so sometimes he naively wishes his dad was back in his life. he hates himself for that, too.
bbama came into jisung’s life after a lot of begging for a dog. it was some last ditch effort on his mom’s part to try to bribe jisung into not killing himself or something, because jisung was much deeper in his dark days at that point in time.
jisung’s not sure what his mental health’s got to do with a dog, but he’s grateful for bbama all the same. bbama’s kind of trained himself to be an emotional support animal for jisung. he’s always worming his way into jisung’s space and curling up on jisung’s lap and giving him licks on the hands or cheeks when he can sense jisung’s anxiety and depression flaring up.
he’s got a lapful of bbama right now.
bbama’s little tail is thumping against the mattress, both because he’s happy to see jisung and jisung also thinks it’s a sign bbama is anxious. bbama’s licking at jisung’s hand and whining cutely at jisung in an attempt to cheer him up. it makes jisung smile.
“it’s alright, bud.”
bbama doesn’t believe him.
“not gonna leave, huh?”
bbama whines at him and drops his head on jisung’s thigh. his big, dark eyes are staring into jisung’s as his tail wags. jisung scratches bbama behind the ears and smooths down his fluffy white fur.
“thank you,” jisung says even though bbama doesn’t understand.
he spends the rest of the evening with a lapful of bbama. he doesn’t have the heart to move bbama off his lap, so jisung stays on his bed and plays on his phone. he texts chan and changbin and the online friends who are still in that weird half-ghosting phase with him and he watches a couple of youtube videos that he actually comprehends for once.
jisung wishes he could say he feels better. wishes he could say that relaxing in bed all day with bbama as his loyal companion has helped ease the searing numbness in his body. that it stops the discomfort and aching for something jisung isn’t sure of, but it makes it hard to function and feel rational.
it doesn’t. bbama’s efforts help a little. but jisung’s got that weird feeling that he can’t shake and he feels like there’s a breakdown looming.
days, weeks, and months go by and jisung’s in this beautiful middle ground where his days are kinda bad but still bearable. he can still leave the house and leave his bed and he keeps up with people just enough to not hint to how bad he’s doing. he can smile and he can pay attention to things and he’s experiencing life secondhand, but the dissociation isn’t enough to make him lose time.
jisung hangs out with chan and changbin a couple times a week at least. he walks bbama with whoever’s got berry that day. he gets invited over to come make music or watch a movie or some anime and slowly, jisung opens up to chan and changbin some more.
for the first few months of their friendship, jisung isn’t super talkative—over text and in person. it’s a side effect of being told he’s annoying his whole life when he’s just trying to talk to people about things that interest him. that, and jisung’s mom refuses to listen to him speak. she claims she didn’t know he was speaking to her even when they’re the only two people in the room no matter how many times he calls her out on it. he doesn’t like running the conversation and he’s learned that nobody cares all that much about what he’s got to say, so he stays quiet and talks when he’s spoken to.
he comes out of his shell quicker than he usually does around chan and changbin. he’s not sure why. it just feels right to talk with them and run his mouth to say stupid shit that starts play fights and banter between the three of them. it reminds him of having friends in high school.
jisung’s not as abrasive as he used to be. he’s not super noisy and outrageous like he was back before his mental health took that huge hit a few years ago. but jisung thinks that’s just because he’s spent the last few years living like he’s a ghost in society and his own home. he thinks maybe if he stays with chan and changbin long enough, he can unlock that part of himself again.
he’s opening himself up in a lot of ways, but jisung can’t do it in any vulnerable way that actually matters. he doesn’t take up changbin or chan’s offer to talk to them when he’s having a bad day. he doesn’t tell them about his undiagnosed neurodivergence or why he doesn’t want them to meet his mom or come over to his apartment sometime. never alludes to the closet he’s only out of online and with them.
in hindsight, maybe jisung should’ve been more upfront about them with his undiagnosed neurodivergence.
the times jisung, chan, and changbin tend to hang out outside of chan and changbin’s joint apartment are late in the evening and in the earlier hours of morning. jisung lucked out with having two best friends who are night owls like him.
jisung goes to hang out with them in public without his earphones shoved in his ears, because there’s not too many people around at that time of night. he can enjoy himself without astral projecting out of his body or getting overwhelmed by how much fucking noise people can make in public spaces.
it’s great. he can function and it’s refreshing to not have music in his ears the second he steps out of the house. as much as jisung loves music, he wishes he could function without it.
one day, however, they do decide to hang out in the middle of the afternoon. at some kind of giant mall that has a music store and a food court that’s so massive jisung gets anxious just looking at it.
and jisung, dumbass little jisung, decides “hey, i can go without my earphones today! i don’t want to look rude in front of chan and changbin! it’ll be alright!”
it isn’t alright.
jisung holds it together and remains functional for half an hour, just like he always does. he talks like everything’s fine and he stays right there on the ground with chan and changbin and he even jokes with them and talks music with them as they’re walking around trying to locate the store that sells some kind of music equipment chan’s looking for.
then things suddenly start sounding so loud . the air around them is harsh. the air is painful and jisung’s wearing short sleeves because it’s fucking hot outside and he doesn’t want heatstroke. the air is a cheese grater and jisung’s a pathetic, unassuming block of mozzarella that’s being subjected to his fate of being ground down into small shreds.
breathing gets difficult. like jisung’s got an elephant sitting on his chest and his nose is being held closed with a clothes-pin. he thinks his breathing is super loud, but nobody’s saying anything so maybe it’s all in his head.
he’s trying to stay involved in the conversation. he’s doing his fucking best. really he is, but his vocal chords aren’t wanting to function right now so jisung lets himself fade into the background of chan and changbin’s conversation with the hopes that they won’t notice.
jisung doesn’t realize how long he’s been astral projecting out of his body, but it’s bad enough that he feels like his soul’s about to come out of the back of his head. and maybe like he’s going to fall backwards because he’s feeling weak. all he knows is he accidentally gives in to the urge to press a hand to the back of his head to try to keep himself in there.
chan shoots him a look.
“you alright, ji?”
“yeah,” jisung croaks.
jisung wishes he could look chan in the eyes to convince him that he was telling the truth. but jisung can’t, because his vision refuses to focus on anything.
“you’re kind of pale…”
“i think you should sit down.”
great, changbin’s noticed, too. he’s putting his hands on jisung’s shoulders and making a poor attempt to guide jisung to the nearest bench. jisung’s struggling to get his feet to go one in front of the other like he learned twenty fucking years ago.
jisung zones out as soon as he’s eased down onto the bench.
it gets that bad because jisung’s unable to be a functioning human being in public without some kind of barrier to keep him safe. he doesn’t know why . that’s just how he’s been for as long as he can remember. he kind of wishes he’d tricked himself into behaving normally on this outing, but he’s failed.
once he’s experiencing his surroundings secondhand instead of from three planets away, jisung registers how tense his jaw is. his lips hurt from biting down on them to refrain from letting too much distress leak through because jisung’s gotten good at hiding it even in moments like these. he knows his eyes are probably glazed over, too.
there’s an ache in his palms. jisung belatedly realizes how hard his fingernails are digging into them and he eases up on the pressure. his fingers are stiff and just as painful. they’ll ache for a couple of days, he knows.
“sung? buddy?”
jisung’s eyes snap over to meet changbin’s.
“you back?”
jisung hasn’t come back to himself enough to nod, only enough for him to know he should. he just blinks at changbin.
“you want to get out of here?” changbin asks instead.
it’s still fucking loud in the mall and so crowded. and hot. there’s so many bodies and it’s the first hot day of the season. jisung’s ears are ringing and all of his senses are shot.
it takes forever, but jisung finds his way back to his body some more. and finally, he breaks eye contact with changbin and he nods. he hopes changbin isn’t weirded out by how long jisung must’ve been blankly staring into his eyes. that’d be awkward.
“let’s go, come on.”
changbin and chan each grab an arm and help jisung haul himself off the bench when jisung proves too weak and disoriented to do it himself. they form a small protective barrier around him, both of them pressed into his sides and guiding him out of the mall like they’re his bodyguards or something.
jisung usually hates skin-to-skin contact. it makes his stomach squirm. but he feels safe all huddled up between chan and changbin.
“what happened in there? anxiety attack?” chan asks.
his tone is kind and the question isn’t anything more than a need to know how they can help jisung with what’s going on. it doesn’t make jisung defensive like it tends to, but jisung doesn’t know how to talk about shit like this so he waves his hand noncomittally.
“kind of?” chan interprets.
jisung shrugs.
“you’re not sure?”
“just happens sometimes…” jisung says, voice hoarse.
he stares at the sidewalk and picks at his fingers. the anxiety is more prevalent now that he’s not overloaded so badly. he misses being astral projected out of his body, because dealing with this is embarrassing as fuck and his cheeks are definitely bright red. hopefully they assume he’s running too hot.
“yeah?” changbin says lightly. “anything you can do to prevent it? or anything we can do to help?”
jisung wishes it were cold enough to wear long sleeves today. he’s in desperate need of some sweater paws to fidget with. to hide his shaking hands with. he makes a little noise in lieu of replying to changbin properly.
“there is?”
they let jisung sit and silently pick at his fingers for a while. jisung half appreciates it, because talking is hard after those kinds of episodes. the other half of him wishes they’d let him drop the subject like they usually do, because he doesn’t want to be a hassle.
chan and changbin remain patient. they don’t crowd jisung or stare at him the whole time, but they’re right there. chan’s hand is resting on jisung’s knee and it’s keeping him from astral projecting at the moment.
jisung can’t make them sit there forever. he needs to bite the bullet and be as honest as he can force himself to be so they don’t have more incidents like this. he needs to give their friendship some more emotional depth on his part so they can be closer.
“my ears are sensitive…” is what he comes up with.
“it was too loud?” changbin confirms.
jisung’s vision blurs out of embarrassment more than anything. they’re being so nice and gentle with him, but he doesn’t like admitting he needs help sometimes. or that he’s got different needs compared to everyone else he knows.
“hey, it’s okay,” chan says gently. “there’s nothing to worry about.”
neither of them asks him if he wants to talk about it, but after biting the insides of his cheeks until the tears stop threatening to fall, jisung talks about it on his own.
“it was just…really loud. there were so many people talking all at once and it was fine at first but then it got hard to breathe and i dunno, i just couldn’t think straight. it was too much.”
“are you feeling less overwhelmed now?”
“mhm.”
“that’s good.”
maybe for him, but jisung’s humiliated.
“is there anything you can do to stop yourself from getting overwhelmed like that? or anything we can do to help? if not, that’s okay. i’m sure we can help you find something, if you’re okay with that.”
their kindness is making jisung want to cry his eyes out. but he can’t. this is vulnerable and embarrassing enough as is.
“music.”
“music?” chan repeats.
“i bring my earphones and i listen to music,” jisung says. his voice is wavering pathetically.
“it helps?”
he nods.
“keeps the noise out. stops everything from being so loud. i can still talk to people and listen to them and stuff. it just stops all the background noise and gives me something to focus on when nobody’s talking with me.”
“how long does that help you for?” changbin asks.
“2 or 3 hours.”
which must shock chan and changbin a bit, because jisung barely lasted half an hour in the mall before he was having that episode. and while 2 or 3 hours isn’t that much time in general, it’s a hell of a lot bigger threshold for jisung’s weird noise sensitivity thing.
“some days it doesn’t help at all,” jisung says. “but i know those days are going to happen before i go out somewhere.”
“was today like that?” chan asks.
jisung shakes his head.
“did you forget your earphones?”
“i didn’t bring them.”
changbin’s staring at him with this surly look and his eyebrows furrowed like he’s kind of mad but not really. jisung ducks his head so he doesn’t have to see it anyways.
“jisung, you don’t have to sacrifice your comfort to hang out with us. you could’ve canceled or brought your earphones and listened to your music. it’s not a big deal, dude. chan and i don’t mind as long as you’re comfortable.”
“sorry.”
“don’t do that again, dummy.”
“i won’t.”
no fucking way he would pull that again. not after the fiasco that was him having this little episode in front of chan and changbin like that.
“do you want to go back home?”
yes and no. jisung’s embarrassed as all fuck and he’s not going to fully recouperate from that episode until he goes to bed and wakes up tomorrow. but he doesn’t want to stop this hangout already and he doesn’t want to go back home so he can play at being a living ghost.
“no.”
changbin and chan hesitate, but chan eventually decides to give jisung the benefit of the doubt and says:
“i can lend you my airpods until we get back.”
jisung can’t bring himself to feel guilty for borrowing chan’s airpods for the next hour. he’s blending back into the group dynamic even if he’s not at his full capacity (changbin and chan can tell, but they don’t comment.) and they get the music equipment chan was looking for. they even stop at the food court and eat and jisung is as in the moment as he can be given what happened earlier.
he doesn’t hang out longer than that. he slinks off back home once they’re in the general vicinity of their apartment complexes.
jisung cries his eyes out the second he’s alone. both out of shame and out of gratitude.
jisung spends the following three days avoiding seeing chan and changbin in person.
it’s not that they did anything wrong or treated him badly after the incident in the mall. quite the opposite, actually. they were more attentive to him, but they didn’t act like jisung was fragile. they were just looking out for him and trying to make sure it didn’t happen again and jisung appreciates it. truly, he does.
but if there’s anything jisung learned growing up as a little girl, it’s that his neurodivergence was something to be ashamed of. little boys can be weird and quirky and nonfunctional all they want because it’s cute and boys will be boys. but little girls are meant to be prim and proper and they’re not allowed to be the kind of weird that jisung was.
it took a lot of teasing from adults and jisung’s peers to make him learn how to hide those weird traits. it took a lot of laughter and looks that jisung knows people share with each other when he does something in front of them that they’re absolutely going to gossip about the second he leaves. it took all of those instances in which people told him he was annoying without telling him how he was being annoying.
jisung’s not sure what exactly he’s masking, but he learns from the internet that masking is what he’s been doing his whole life. even in his bedroom when nobody’s around, jisung has masked his weird traits and he’s gained control of himself in social situations.
now he gets passed off as someone who’s eccentric in a good way. it works most of the time, but now that he’s gone off and had a Moment in front of chan and changbin like that, his little secret is out there.
more than anything, jisung is embarrassed about it. he’s embarrassed that he acted like that in front of his new friends and that he couldn’t just say something or at the very least, mask it better than he did. it was a vulnerable moment for him and jisung hates vulnerability because it gets used against him later.
jisung spends those three days incredibly lonely, with his belly simmering with anxiety and shame. with bbama glued to his side because he knows jisung’s brewing in self-hatred and jisung needs the emotional support bbama is offering even if he thinks he doesn’t.
he sucks it up on the fourth day.
he’s been spending a lot of time stuck on the memory of changbin telling him not to sacrifice his comfort to hang out with him and chan. it keeps looping in his head because maybe changbin’s right. jisung is a self-sacrificial dumbass who cares more about other people being inconvenienced by him than he does about making himself feel comfortable.
if jisung can’t be comfortable with himself enough to let his friends know he’s got certain needs and differences, then how is jisung going to function? how is jisung going to be comfortable with chan and changbin—or, hell, anybody else jisung lets into his life—if jisung isn’t comfortable with himself and his needs?
the first step to accepting his undiagnosed neurodivergence is to start living with it. not hiding it, even though jisung knows it’s going to take an astronomical amount of work to stop doing that masking thing. he’s got to let his real, full self start peeking through and let himself get familiar with it so he can stop being so goddamn ashamed of himself all the time.
jisung thinks he’s lucky. he thinks chan and changbin won’t mind too much when jisung lets his weirder habits and traits peek through once he makes more progress.
chan’s at work that day, jisung knows. but changbin isn’t and jisung banks on changbin walking berry at the time jisung is usually out walking bbama.
changbin’s walking berry just like jisung expects him to be because they’ve accidentally synced up their schedules after five or six months of doing this together. and changbin sees him, but he doesn’t call to jisung or approach him because jisung has been avoiding him for the past couple of days and changbin knows that.
jisung lets bbama drag him over to berry and changbin instead, and he gives changbin a tentative smile when they approach. changbin returns it.
“hey.”
“hi.”
“can we join you?”
“of course.”
they walk for a block or two in a silence jisung likes to assure himself is comfortable. and then jisung thinks about what happened a few days ago. and he thinks about his quirks and traits he knows is neurodivergence without a proper name tag for what kind.
“i don’t know what i am,” he admits.
“you’re jisung,” changbin replies easily.
jisung smiles a bit.
“i mean like, with the noise thing and stuff. it means something but i don’t know what.”
“that’s fine. you don’t have to know. but channie and i are here to help if you ever decide you want to know.”
the sentiment is nice. jisung doesn’t think he’s quite ready to put a label on his neurodivergence. it kind of scares him to acknowledge it with an actual label. it makes it a hell of a lot more real and jisung’s only just admitting to someone besides himself for the first time. he thinks he does want more time to wait.
“i don’t think i want to know yet.”
“you’re still our jisung no matter what. remember that, okay?”
“okay.”
their jisung.
jisung and bbama end up at chan and changbin’s apartment. bbama gets the zoomies and tangles himself up in a blanket that was hanging off the edge of the couch. changbin laughs and helps jisung untangle bbama while berry climbs all over them very unhelpfully.
bbama doesn’t stop getting the zoomies the whole time jisung’s hanging out with changbin.
poor little guy must’ve been so relieved that jisung’s mood has finally improved after so long. he was doing his best to make jisung feel better and now that jisung is feeling better, bbama is carefree and chaotic and adorable.
chan’s smile when he comes home and sees jisung hanging out at the apartment is pure sunshine and warmth. it makes jisung’s heart soar.
jisung’s more sick and tired of his family these days. not that they’re acting differently towards him or anything. actually, it’s that they’re acting just the same as they always do.
jisung’s pretty sure his mom’s never said his deadname more than she has in the years since he’s cut his hair short and started dressing more masculinely. and he knows it’s probably for a reason, because even if jisung’s not out of the closet to her and she doesn’t know that his deadname is his deadname, she knows what his change in appearance implies.
his brother is kind of chill, but there are times where it feels like he doesn’t know what to think of jisung or how to feel about him and he can tell his brother is uncomfortable.
when his brother’s girlfriend is over, jisung’s brother refuses to even look jisung’s way because the girlfriend is not a fan of jisung for a reason jisung cannot place, but kind of can all the same because they’ve never spoken to each other. the girlfriend has only looked at jisung and that’s more than enough for her, because she avoids him in the hallways and kitchen and living room.
jisung’s painfully awkward when his brother’s girlfriend is around. he knows she doesn’t like him. and she’s invading his home and his personal space. he doesn’t know how to act normal when she’s staying over for days on end.
jisung doesn’t think he’s ever hated himself more than he has when his brother’s girlfriend is staying over.
he just clams up when people are in his house and his space. especially if jisung doesn’t know them well or at all, really. it’s like jisung loses the ability to be polite and look at other people and he loses the ability to use his words. he forgets to say “excuse me” and he forgets that just not acknowledging anyone is rude. and he only remembers when he can hear the muffled sound of his brother’s girlfriend commenting on his behavior from a few rooms over.
it’s happened for the past year now and jisung still cannot get his shit together when she visits.
instead of learning to be polite and suck it up, jisung’s pavloved himself into feeling a crazy amount of self-hatred and embarrassment whenever she’s over. because he knows he’s going to be rude and make her uncomfortable and both his brother and the girlfriend aren’t going to look at or speak to jisung the entire time.
the girlfriend hasn’t been over in a while, but she’s over tonight and jisung forgets about his inability to behave normally around her until he walks into the kitchen and goes to grab a drink from the fridge. and he has to dodge her while keeping his eyes down because he feels like he’s going to offend her somehow if he dares to look at her.
he almost bumps into her and her stare is burning right through him. jisung’s cheeks are heating up but he hopes his head is ducked enough for nobody to be able to see. he leaves the room as soon as his shaky hands have shoved a straw into the drink he grabbed.
she doesn’t even wait for the door to jisung’s bedroom to close before she’s making a comment about how weird jisung is to jisung’s brother.
jisung spends a lot of nights that week curled up under his desk crying because he hates himself so much. he wishes he could act normal . he wishes he didn’t feel so embarrassed to have the audacity to exist in his own home, but he does.
he doesn’t leave his room that week unless he has to. he won’t even go out to hang with chan and changbin because the prospect of seeing his brother’s girlfriend and acting weird in front of her makes self-hatred and embarrassment eat jisung alive.
once she’s gone, jisung’s out of the house more often. he’s feeling too suffocated by everything and he really only wants to be around chan and changbin. it’s the only time he feels normal and like his head isn’t going to explode.
the days pass with jisung and bbama spending more time at chan and changbin’s place than they do at home. it’s comfortable and nice and jisung is opening up a bit more now that a few hints of his neurodivergence are out there.
at some point, they all start making songs as a unit rather than helping each other make solo music and jisung’s never loved making music as much as he has in those days. he’s never felt so passionate and full when it comes to something he’s made. and he’s enjoying himself so much.
the weather gets hotter and jisung can’t stand the heat anymore. he’s been wearing short sleeved shirts, but there’s a heatwave and even those aren’t helping jisung keep cool. he takes the risk of wearing a tank top over to chan and changbin’s place even though his binder is extremely visible through the arm holes.
chan doesn’t comment on jisung’s binder or ask what it is, and he doesn’t look at it a single time.
changbin spares jisung’s binder a really long side-glance when jisung sits next to him on the couch, but then he just diverts his eyes back to chan’s laptop and that’s all the attention he ever gives it. jisung’s not sure what the moment means, but changbin never treats him any different or anything, so he leaves it be.
changbin does give jisung a reaction the first time jisung wears binding tape under his tank top instead of his binder.
jisung sits on the couch beside him and changbin full out grabs the arm hole of jisung’s tank top and peeks inside and looks up at jisung all perplexed because the binding tape must look like something medical and he says:
“bro, did you cut your nipples off or something? what the fuck.”
and jisung howls with laughter.
he never does answer changbin’s question that day and it becomes some weird inside joke slash conspiracy theory that jisung no longer has nipples because of a mysterious accident.
jisung’s getting closer to chan and changbin. he’s letting himself be more comfortable and it’s easier now that both of them know jisung’s neurodivergent. not that jisung’s good at unmasking, but he’s trying and nobody comments on how fidgety jisung gets or anything weird he does without thinking.
one time, when jisung’s hanging out with chan and changbin, they all get over excited about something and chan stops doing whatever he’s doing to shake his fists with a huge smile on his face.
jisung sees chan shake his fists and it reminds jisung of all the times he’s felt too excited and didn’t know what to do with himself. and jisung thinks wow, that looks nice . and before he knows it, he’s mirroring chan’s actions with a smile.
chan catches him and there’s a pause where chan’s face falls as he stares at jisung. and jisung thinks he’s done something wrong because chan is interpreting the moment as jisung poking fun at him.
jisung blinks and his hands fall to his lap. he’s not smiling anymore.
“i’m sorry,” he says. “it looked like it felt nice. i wanted to do it, too.”
“did it?”
“yeah.”
chan cracks a smile and ruffles jisung’s hair. then he puts jisung in a headlock and then jisung is wrestling chan and changbin on the couch while berry barks at them from the ground.
jisung accidentally picks up the shaking fists thing from chan. it sticks in his head for days on end. it looks nice and it felt nice when jisung imitated chan that one time. jisung wants to do it again, but he holds off.
then on a good day, when jisung’s feeling excited by the song he made with chan and changbin, jisung lifts his fists give them a little experimental shake in the privacy of his bedroom. a smile blooms on his face and jisung finds it hard to stop.
an unsettling buzz has been burying itself in jisung’s brain and his skin for the past week and a half. the kind of buzz that tells jisung he’s going to have some kind of episode that isn’t going to be pretty in the near future. and jisung doesn’t know what kind of episode it will be—just that it’s coming.
jisung gets a few days where he can’t get out of bed and he has bbama glued to his side all day.
jisung gets a few days where his mom won’t stop talking at him and he snaps at her. he hates himself and he’s disgusted by himself for how easily it comes to him to snap at people.
his brother’s girlfriend comes over to stay the night and jisung’s blood is simmering with self-hatred and embarrassment the whole time.
jisung’s aloof aunt visits and she brings him a bag full of secondhand clothing as a gift. half of the clothes are dresses and all of them are as feminine and outdated as they come. it feels pointed. it probably is pointed.
the buzz stays and it settles under his skin and jisung thinks one of his breakdowns(?) is what makes the buzz leave. but three hours after the breakdown(?), the buzz returns and jisung’s confused.
it all comes to a head one day when jisung wakes up with an extremely graphic intrusive thought that refuses to leave his head all day long.
he doesn’t like to leave his bed until he’s been awake for at least an hour. but jisung can’t do that today, because he might indulge the intrusive thought he’s having. so he scrambles out of bed and he cleans his room from top to bottom and cleans the kitchen and bathroom a bit, too, because that’s his weird self preservation technique: he cleans and he organizes things while he listens to music in the hopes of getting out of his head for a while.
the image keeps looping in his mind relentlessly. jisung pretends he’s doing fine when his mom comes and keeps pretending when he grabs dinner and watches a movie with his brother for once.
it loops more once everyone else is in bed and jisung’s in his room with only bbama to distract him. and bbama’s getting anxious because he can tell jisung’s anxious, which adds to jisung’s anxiety. bbama won’t stop whimpering at jisung and trying to climb all over him and nose at his hands when jisung sits on his bed or lays on the floor.
the buzz turns staticy and flares up under jisung’s skin. he’s more than used to that telltale sensation by now. it’s the one jisung gets when he’s on the verge of doing something really stupid and destructive. like making that intrusive thought from this morning a reality.
jisung does his best to ignore it by watching a documentary and trying to write a song. but bbama’s a wiggling, anxious, whimpering mess because he knows jisung’s on edge and anxious and it’s so distracting but bbama won’t leave jisung alone. won’t leave the room no matter how hard jisung tries to convince him to.
bbama’s upset and jisung knows it’s his fault and he feels horrible about it, but all their negative energy is starting to suffocate him. it’s only making the buzz worse and jisung’s threshold for holding himself back is getting lower every minute he spends by himself knowing everyone else is fast asleep.
his self preservation is wearing thin. jisung finds himself entertaining the idea for a few seconds before he snaps himself out of it. he’s feeling too jumbled up and anxious and he genuinely thinks he’s going to do some major damage to himself and traumatize poor bbama if he doesn’t get the fuck out of his room and away from this feeling.
jisung doesn’t think. thinking is bad right now and he’s going to do something stupid if he lets himself have thoughts. he just throws on a hoodie and grabs his phone. he picks bbama up off the bed and steals out of his apartment without remembering to grab his key or lock the door behind him.
he walks for a while. aimlessly while he holds bbama to his chest. he’s not sure if he knows yet that he forgot to put a leash on bbama before he left. maybe he just really needs to hold bbama to ground himself.
the fresh air is helping a little. it’s hitting jisung’s face to sober him up a bit and his lungs are thankful for the break from the stale, suffocating air of jisung’s bedroom. but jisung’s not sure he can be alone right now. he isn’t sure being outside is going to stop him from doing something stupid.
jisung’s feet lead him down some streets and jisung just lets them because being still is only going to make things worse. bbama keeps licking jisung’s face and his tail is thumping against jisung’s stomach like he’s both glad jisung’s not cooped up in his room anymore and anxious because jisung hasn’t calmed down.
jisung finds himself in front of a door, bbama tucked up in one arm while jisung brings his fist up and knocks three times more loudly than intended.
the universe seems to be looking out for jisung tonight. the door opens less than ten seconds after jisung knocks and suddenly jisung’s face to face with changbin. changbin who’s looking kind of confused, but it’s still changbin and jisung’s never been so grateful to have friends that are night owls.
jisung is acutely aware of how red his cheeks must be right now and how blown wide his pupils must look. his hair is definitely a mess, too. and he’s got to have some odd look on his face that’s close to betraying how wired jisung’s feeling right now.
changbin steps out of the way and makes room for jisung to enter the apartment seconds after he comes face to face with him. chan’s sitting on the couch looking surprised to see jisung and more surprised to see jisung holding bbama.
chan’s attempts to get through to jisung and offer the apartment as a safe space seem to have wormed their way into jisung’s subconscious. here he is, showing up uninvited at two in the morning. with bbama in hand just like chan said all those times he’s offered this space up to jisung.
“hey, sungie,” chan says lightly.
being around the both of them is already taking the edge off this episode jisung’s got one foot in. he can’t do anything stupid if there’s two people here with him.
“hi.”
“what’s going on, dude? why are you walking bbama so late?” changbin asks.
jisung looks down at the dog in his arms. he finally notices there’s no leash attached to bbama. he’s lucky the dog was too insistent on being with him. that bbama didn’t wiggle out of his arms and run off while jisung was in this state.
changbin must see that bbama doesn’t have his leash on, too.
“you know what, why don’t you sit down? i’ll get you and bbama something to drink.”
jisung nods. there’s a moment where changbin watches him instead of walking into the kitchen to get something for jisung and bbama.
“sung, go sit next to channie.”
jisung doesn’t move until chan pats the couch cushion beside him. he’s kind of blank right now because his mind and skin are buzzing with that sharp staticy feeling. he sinks into the couch next to chan.
chan’s looking at jisung like he sort of knows what’s going on without jisung having to say anything. but he doesn’t bring it up or make jisung talk. and changbin’s back before jisung knows it and jisung’s being handed a glass of water and he’s watching changbin place a little plastic bowl on the ground for bbama.
jisung tries to put bbama down to drink the water, but the second jisung lets go, bbama is leaping up and throwing himself into jisung’s lap. and that really lets chan and changbin know something’s wrong, because bbama never fails to get the zoomies the second he enters the apartment.
they don’t say anything yet. chan just encourages jisung to drink the glass of water and jisung obeys while trying to ignore bbama’s nose on his hands and the way his tail is thumping on the couch cushion.
“are you hurt?” chan finally inquires.
jisung shakes his head.
“did anybody try to hurt you?”
another head shake.
“are you safe, jisung?”
he doesn’t give an answer to that one, because jisung’s not sure how he’s supposed to tell his best friends that he had to come over and be around people or else he’d be a few minutes away from making his own diy death scene.
chan and changbin’s faces shift with jisung’s silence and the mood changes some more. poor bbama is yipping at jisung now and nosing at his hands harder. jisung tries to scratch behind bbama’s ears to settle him.
“can you tell us what’s going on so we can help you? we’re here to keep you safe.”
“i can’t be alone right now,” jisung says eventually.
it betrays everything jisung needs to say while keeping the images and details out of his best friends’ heads. it gets his point across and he can tell because he sees the hurt and alarm flash through their eyes when he says it.
“okay,” chan says heavily. “would you like us to distract you?”
jisung nods and tries to swallow but his throat feels so dry even after the glass of water he was given.
jisung grabs for their lyric book first, but chan pulls it out of his hands the second jisung’s got ahold of it. chan puts it back on the coffee table and shakes his head.
“not a good idea. we’re not writing in this mindset.”
he wants to protest, but he knows chan is right. jisung knows being stuck in his own head and being given a way to put some words down is only going to make things worse. he shouldn’t be doing anything that lets him think for more than a second at a time.
there’s a few minutes where jisung’s playing tug of war with bbama over one of berry’s toys while someone thinks of a sufficient way to get jisung out of his head. and it finally comes in the form of changbin saying:
“hey, sung, have you ever watched The Most Popular Girls in School?”
“no?”
and suddenly chan’s laptop is in front of them and jisung is being shown the most ridiculous youtube video series about barbies. it’s disorienting enough that changbin knows this series by name, and jisung’s very much distracted by the plot to the point where it sucks any and all thoughts right out of his head.
chan and changbin send jisung down this nostalgia binge of obscure youtube videos jisung either hasn’t seen before or that have been hidden deep in his memory until now. all of it is ridiculous and funny or weird and jisung finds himself laughing and talking the longer they watch and the more one of them clicks.
chan brings up this tv show jisung used to be obsessed with as a child. one of the weirder things jisung has watched, but jisung was a weird kid and apparently so was chan at some point, because they both remember the show in crystal clear detail.
changbin’s never heard of it before, so jisung and chan find the most bizarre episode of it on youtube and jisung can’t stop laughing at how utterly confused and horrified changbin is that it both exists and was meant for children.
things slow down around four in the morning. jisung’s feeling much lighter and bbama’s fallen asleep on the carpet. jisung’s not in danger of hurting himself or doing something stupid anymore and says as such to chan and changbin.
“that’s good. how about you get some rest now, hm? reset a little bit and see how you’re feeling tomorrow?”
“okay.”
jisung walks toward bbama to pick him up and start the walk home, but changbin’s hand is on his shoulder, stopping him from moving.
“stay the night here,” he says.
jisung doesn’t want to deny even though he’s never slept over before. he doesn’t want to wake up in his room with only bbama to keep him company. he doesn’t want to be a ghost in his own home.
“okay. i’ll take the couch.”
“absolutely not,” chan says from across the room.
“why?”
“you’re sleeping where one of us can keep an eye on you. come on.”
if jisung weren’t so blissed out on nostalgia and dopamine, the love and care of the gesture they’re offering him would make him cry like a baby. like, he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from crying right there in front of chan and changbin. but jisung is blissed out so he just stands there with a tiny little smile tugging at his lips.
someone gives jisung a toothbrush fresh out of the package so he can brush his teeth and changbin tries to coerce jisung into stealing chan’s face wash to use for the night. which chan hears and complains loudly about, but he peeks his head into the room with a smile on his face and gives jisung permission to use it anyways.
one of them stays in the room with him at all times.
they talk to jisung as he brushes his teeth and uses chan’s face wash. they walk with him when he goes to check on bbama and make sure he’s settled down for the rest of the night. they sit with jisung as he debates sending a text to his mom and brother, and they don’t comment on it when jisung closes the app without actually sending one.
none of them are sleepy yet, so they stay huddled up in the living room around chan’s phone watching tiktoks together for half an hour. then changbin slinks off to his room to sleep. jisung and chan stay for a while longer.
chan makes jisung take his bed, where berry’s apparently been curled up sleeping since jisung’s entrance.
“where are you going to sleep?” jisung asks.
“i’ve got some work to do on my laptop,” chan says.
jisung frowns.
“i was planning on sitting with you while i’m working and then i’ll go to bed sometime later. is that cool?”
“i guess.”
“good. go to bed, sungs. you need the rest.”
jisung falls asleep in chan’s bed with chan sitting at his desk to make sure jisung doesn’t wake up or sneak away somewhere to do something stupid or dangerous in private.
jisung wakes up a few hours later to find chan asleep at his desk with his laptop open. he shakes chan awake and pushes him into the bed with some sleepy mumbles about chan being an overworking dummy. and jisung falls back asleep next to chan.
the episode comes and goes suddenly.
the intrusive thought is going to stick around and the image is going to flash in his head a few times over the next couple of days, but the shock factor and urge is gone. jisung’s had episodes like this and he knows it ended last night.
jisung is okay, but he and bbama end up spending the next three days at chan and changbin’s place. full days. jisung spends the night there with bbama.
chan and changbin let him steal clothes from their closet and jisung uses chan’s face wash and the toothbrush he was given. he steals their shower products, too. and he pretends he lives with chan and changbin instead of a few blocks away with a family that makes him feel invisible.
jisung talks to them about his mental health a little bit. in vague terms, mostly, that lets them know he’s been struggling with his depression for years now and that jisung’s used to all the ups and downs he experiences. that he knows how to handle it most of the time and he knows his patterns and the cycles that it goes through.
they’re supportive. obviously. they give jisung lots of hugs and reassurances.
when jisung comes back home, nobody says anything about how long he’s been gone. and jisung would understand if it were just him missing, but bbama hasn’t been around, either, and he thought his mom and brother would worry about the dog.
they don’t. jisung doesn’t think they know he was gone at all. his mom isn’t on his case about taking off without texting anybody for three days or taking the dog with him. and she doesn’t demand to know where he’s been like she always does.
chan and changbin text jisung more often after his episode. they hold him a lot closer to them, too, both physically and emotionally.
autumn is coming soon and jisung’s body temperature running cold lately. he keeps freezing his ass off in chan and changbin’s apartment, because both of them run hot and keep the ac on constantly.
chan lends jisung some hoodies and sweatshirts whenever he comes over. he lets jisung wear them home and then he reminds jisung to bring it back next time, because if he didn’t, jisung would forget to return them and his wardrobe would be full of chan and changbin’s stuff.
sometimes, though, chan doesn’t ask for certain items back. like ever. no matter how many times jisung wears the hoodies and sweatshirts in front of chan to remind him that jisung still has them. and chan never asks. but he still asks for his other hoodies and sweatshirts back.
jisung straight up asks chan if he wants one of those hoodies back once and chan gives him an odd look and says “no?” like jisung’s stupid for asking.
“it’s yours,” jisung says.
“i gave it to you.”
“you lent it to me.”
“no, i gave it to you. it’s yours now.”
chan’s a mean bastard who’s been conning jisung into accepting his gifts of clothing this whole time. right under jisung’s nose!
jisung can’t complain (he tries to, in front of chan and changbin when he realizes what’s been going on) because jisung’s closet is painfully lacking some proper men’s clothing. and chan’s been tricking jisung into acquiring more.
jisung wishes he could live at chan and changbin’s apartment with berry and bbama. he wishes he could come over one day and just never leave. he thinks chan and changbin would let him move in like that, because jisung spends more time there than he does at home.
but jisung doesn’t. he wouldn’t have a place to sleep and he’s too mentally unwell to be able to hold a job and contribute to rent and bills. he can’t leave his mom and brother so abruptly even though he barely exists to them because jisung feels like he has this debt to them that he’ll never pay off.
sometimes jisung feels like maybe if he were home more often, his mother would start to love him. not that she ever really has, but she used to be kinder to him and they used to get along more. jisung knows that’s a stupid notion, because before he met chan (and later, changbin) he was home almost all the time and his mother never gave him the time of day.
jisung’s happier at chan and changbin’s apartment, though. so he spends his time there and comes home to sleep most of the time, but jisung’s started to do that, less, too.