Archive of Our Own ^beta

This is stupid.. The nosies of other conversations not reaching his ears thanks to the music blowing through his headphones. Adults late at night finding their way into bars, Saeran could never sympathize until recently. What's fun about drinking to the edge of throwing up? There were so many bad memories connected to his mother and her alcoholism, Saeran should know better as the years progressed. However, he's always the one stepping out of line. Therefore he's sitting by himself at the end of the counter, staring down at both the drink and his black phone display.

Coming in at first felt forbidden, the younger Choi's shame increased drastically since he didn't even tell anyone where he went. Saeyoung's out with Vanderwood, both attending a convention alongside the college student and his blond, died hair. His twin somehow persuaded his older colleague to come along, leaving Saeran behind just to deal with someone he's rather not alone with. A sigh fell over his lips, the beat's vibrating against his eardrum, he surely would become deaf soon. But Saeran didn't care all that much, on the contrary, if he's incapable to hear anymore, he wouldn't have to hear you sweettalk.

It's stupid.. He repeated like a broken mantra in the back of his head. Saeyoung got nerves to leave him alone with you in the house, acting as if it's no big deal. In reality, both of them knew it caused Saeran's stress to escalate. Being around you with others kept you glued to them instead of focusing on his presence. He could handle your voice then, or these quick looks in order to make sure he's still around. You didn't have much time starting a conversation with him as everyone else required your attention, that's how Saeran managed to breathe even though you're around. Nonetheless, once he's alone with you, he needed to leave as quickly as possible.

The idea of your eyes taking time checking his fragile shape's enough horror, or if your lips parted to address him and call his name sensually. Never forgetting to be careful, always acting thoughtful. Saeran took another sip from the whiskey, ignoring how it burned all of his insides and forced him to tear up. He didn't want to think of it, none. Not a single aspect related to you, but there he sat. Thoughts roaming, yet always ending up getting hooked on yours. Why? He's clueless. It began while time passed by, living together probably didn't help the growing emotions either. At one point he couldn't deny these weird feelings and imaginations, though. He's forced to accept them.

Saeran's head spun, like the entire bar's now turning into a carousel. Whenever his mind evolved around you, his condition became worse. You're not the kind of person he's allowed to befriend, but it happened regardless. It showed afterwards, how you're the sunshine who draws others in with that undescribable aura. Everyone in the RFA adored and respected you, Saeyoung's your best friend for plausible reasons. Saeran knew it's bad, that what's going on's underserved. He told you before, warning you to just leave before he's hurting you. But as stubborn as you were, you stayed.

There had never been regret in your eyes, even after he lost composure. Spit insults or locked himself up for days in a row. Oddly enough, you're always coming to him when he calmed down. Just as sweet as before, offering help in form of tea or a simple exchange of comforting words. He didn't understand, he couldn't. Asking felt impossible, which ended up in him accepting your light without complains. I regret that.. He thought bitter, resting his cheek against his ice cold hand. Saeran wanted to turn back time and reject your kindness, otherwise he's going to end up attached. Now it seemed it's too late, he already started pulling you closer without acknowledging it at first.

And you're so willing, however you're fine with someone as dirty as him patting your head. Or touching your hair, it's the softest texture he ever held between his fingertips. Another big sip followed, almost causing him to caught up as consequence. It's confusing, the way you smiled whenever he made coffee for you in the morning. You thanked him for the smallest things, offering much bigger ones in return. Everything about you felt foreign, like you're not real or something. Saeran's bright eyes stayed glued to the phone display. When thinking about your laughter, regardless who's the cause for that phenomena, his heart hammered against his chest.

He felt his cheeks heat up after you sat down beside him. The slightest skin contact chased goosebumps down his arms, he'd never been acting more pathetic in his life. Neither at his mother's place, nor the period he worked for Mint Eye. It's shameful, Saeran's truly sorry for reacting that way whenever you're close to him. Embarrassment prevented him from talking to you, it felt overly idiotic the moment he opened his mouth. He rather watched you from afar because of these reasons. Watch you smile, laugh and have a good time thanks to others. With them, he's certain, no pain would occur.

But with him? He's weak and useless. He's not like other people, that's a fact he figured the second he stepped out of Mint Eye. They must've thought of him as weird. Saeran's pretty certain he's unaware how to apply to common sense or manners, for that matter. You wouldn't have fun with him once you're spending time together, all he ever did was taking advantage of your helpful nature. You reached out your hand and he basically tore on it. I'm fucking disgusting.. He lifted the phone, a sudden urge to apologize nagged on his soul. For a moment he's wavering, eyes narrowing by the thought of disturbing you. You're home alone, he left you earlier. Saeran turned on his cell phone, then.

His finger hovered above the messenger. Who should he text when it came to such a topic? What could he ask for? Help? That's impossible. The entire RFA accepted him as member although he tore apart their once happy relationship. Jumin went out of his way to offer an intern ship to Saeran, because he's unemployed as he's recovering from the cult trauma. And that despite the fact he shoot the only true friend the CEO had, Saeran couldn't understand to this day. He took another sip, the alcohol's already floating through his veins, his head felt cloudy. Of course. He ended up looking for your number.

⟩⟩ Saeran: Are ypu awake? 

He didn't realize he made a typo. It's late, he's not surprised there's no reply coming back. You must've been asleep already. Or she's just ignoring me.. The poisonous doubt crept back into his mind, making him question if it's not the soiled reason of inconvenience that you didn't want to talk to him. Obviously you're kind when he's around, yet how could he be secure in the assumption you're that way once he's far away? What if she's secretly sick of me? Surely that's the case, given Saeran's personality. You enjoyed time when being surrounded by bright souls like his brother. Saeran's chest tightened, a painful string hitting him with full force.

⟩⟩ Saeran: Do you ignor me?

⟩⟩ Saeran: Im sorry..

What's he apologizing for? The endless nights he interrupted your sleep because he's incapable to keep relation to reality after a horrible nightmare? The moments where his patience's snapping and he yelled hurtful words in order to shut you out? All these times where he caught you worrying or even crying about him while talking to his brother? The disappoinment covering your eyes after refusing another idea you'd like to try with him? That he's a goddman murderer and criminal? Saeran growled frustrated as his head began to pound thanks to a brand new headache.

⟩⟩ Saeran: Can I mke it up tp you somehow?

⟩⟩ Saeran: I dont desrve it,, I know.

⟩⟩ Saeran: I must make you tired, right?

Taken for granted. Saeran's a master at making people leave him, he wouldn't take it personal once you decided your fed up with his bullshit. There's nothing he could offer to repair the damage he'd done all these years, surely you're annoyed he's clinging onto you like he's a seven years old unsure how the word functioned. She hates me, I'm sure.. The music turned into background nosies when being lonely with his self-hatred. Does she want me gone? Probably. Who wouldn't.. Saeran bit down his lower lip, fingers becoming harder to navigate correctly.

⟩⟩ Saeran: You hate me

⟩⟩ Saeran: Do you want mz to move oit and leave hou alone?

Although the thought of being away from you for a long period of time's painful, Saeran would consider and pack his stuff. She deserves to be happy unlike me.. He nodded in agreement to his demons, snorting over his behavior. They're always having fun when Saeran blamed himself, which's most time throughout his meaningless life.

⟩⟩ Saeran: I tey to be better for you. I reallt do.

⟩⟩ Saeran: But its never going to be znough, righd?

⟩⟩ Saeran: Im sure you would feel better if I dissaper fofm your life.

The redhead scratched on his forehead, trying in vain to stop the pounding of his skull. She's so pretty and eveyhing.. He sighed, thinking back to the first time he'd seen you in that party outfit. You'd been gorgeous, it took lots of selfcontrol not to stare and come across as rude. That night you took the spotlight from anything else, you'd been in the middle all hours. At least for Saeran. And I? He huffed sarcastically, rubbing away the pain. Stupid that is. I'm nothing in comparison to her. She's better off without me.. Saeran sat back up, the air thinner with the following seconds. Suffocating his entire body, not having mercy to give his brain a break.

⟩⟩ Saeran: You cqn hate me if hou want

⟩⟩ Saeran: Just pleade dont leave me, ok?

He'd never deserved to plead for that, least of all to you. I'm ruining her life.. Saeran ran his hand down to cover his eyes and keep the lights of the bar away. The smell slowly crept up his throat, the alcohol hurt somehow after being swallowed. He's such a mess, he's ashamed to the bone for every single thing he'd shown and done to you. But as much as it pained him, thinking of your smile's always hopeful. He's having no right to use his memories of you for his happiness, Saeran always had been weak though.

⟩⟩ Saeran: Why cant I be goodd enough?

⟩⟩ Saeran: I want you to like me back..

The moment he send the text, regret rose up in the form of acid. What am I even saying to her..? She's going to feel so uncomfortable.. Saeran digged his nails into his hair, pulling on the red strands with force. He couldn't even register the few looks other people shoot at him. Too caught up in the storm in both his head and behind his eyes. I'm so worthless. I'm so disgusting. I should leave her alone..

⟩⟩ Saeran: I'm sprry, Imbeing stupid. Just ignore all of this. Goodnight (N).

He shut his phone off completely, taking away the headphones from his ears. He needed to sleep and get the alcohol out of his system, he's only ruing everything quicker than necessary. The bartender's kind enough to help Saeran pay correctly before grabbing his stuff and storm out of the bar. Since he's a bit unsteady on his feet, it took a while before reaching home. Thankfully the bar's not far away from the apartment Saeyoung bought after being freed from the agency. Enough space for all four of you. Saeran almost took more time with the keys than the walk. Damn, don't be incompetent in everything, will you!? He insulted himself, getting greeted by the smell of fading dinner.

It had his stomach twist, closing the door as quietly as possible. Eveyhing's silent, no light on as the house's already asleep. Oh, she might really have gone to bed then.. Saeran forgot to take off his shoes when going upstairs. The bedrooms and bathrooms were placed there with the kitchen and living room on the ground floor. What if she went out with someone instead..? The question cut his breathing, eyes widening as he suddenly pictured you underneath the night sky with someone else. Eating, laughing, stargazing or maybe.. He couldn't finish the imagination, it's too painful to consider. What if she's out with another guy? Does she has friends like that? 

Saeran almost lost balance on the stairs, luckily he's able to catch his weight and stand straight on the second floor afterwards. With his heart pounding in the tips of his ears due to fear, Saeran needed a second to remember which room's yours. Just a quick check.. He justified, getting an hold of the doorknob and reveal the walls that belonged to you. As all other places inside the apartment, it's silent and dark when peeking through the gap. But after his eyes got use to the night, he could make out your head laying on the pillow. An unconscious sigh fell over his lips. Thank God.. Saeran wasn't sure what he would've done if you're gone.

Although he's supposed to be satisfied with that confirmation, he couldn't help but push the door open. I just.. see if it's really her. Nothing more.. It's a weak argument even for himself, yet Saeran ignored the guilt bulding up in his chest and went into your room. The privacy's back after he made sure the door's closed, the little moonlight shinging through the sides of the curtains were enough to see where to step. Now he regretted he didn't take off his shoes earlier. Oh.. Once he's close enough to see your face, Saeran could feel his chest warm up. It's indeed you, deep inside the land of dreams.

Hair a bit chaotic due to the movements you made while sleeping, face wrinkle free. Nothing to read, only your eyelashes fluttered irregular by whatever's happening in your subconscious state. Whoa.. Saeran felt the adoration overflow, it made him sit down at the edge of the bed. So beautiful.. He could make out your body breathing evenly underneath the duvet, one tiny hand placed beside your face. Every inch of you got him captivated, he never had the chance to watch all your features so closely. You're so sweet (N).. He smiled dreamily, wondering what you're thinking of. How much different your dreams must've been from his, as he's constantly plagued by nightmares.

You sighed heavily, pulling him out of his own head. Soft.. Saeran lifted his hand, hesitant before running the back of his index finger over your cheek. Your skin's comfortable under his touch, he cherished every moment you let him hold onto you. Regardless which way. She's so.. perfect. Perfect is she. He exhaled amused, soaking in all of your face in order to memorize these few inches he's able to make out. Saeran's heart began to bleed, hot tears pricked at the corners of his eyes. Too good for me, aren't you, Flower.. Whenever he remembered his past, it rose back to the surface like it never healed in the first place.

You're an angel, it always makes me think.. Why you put up with a devil like me in the first place.. Saeran licked over his dry lips, tears quietly mocking him since he's admiring something that's never going to be his. It's not like he knew differently, Saeran never got what he wished for, you're no exception. On the other hand, it hurt so much he's almost unable to accept that fate. I wish I was like Saeyoung.. He let the pain come and go as it pleased while watching you, finger stroking over your face lovingly. I could make you laugh and all. You would like having me around. Haha.. Saeran shook his head defeated, feeling stupid by making the comparison to his older twin.

Suddenly there's this immense fear narrowing his throat to the point where it's difficult to breathe. Right.. She's.. Saeran's eyes stayed stuck at your closed ones, reminding himself of the moments they sparkled like a wildfire whenever Saeyoung put an arm around you. You like him more than me. Don't you.. He asked inside his head, fearing that his gut feeling's right. It's probably obvious, yet Saeran couldn't take the loss and leaned down. Please don't hate me.. He frowned, feeling the heat of your skin coming in contact with his. I'm painful (N). I don't know what to do..

Saeran's mind found a short second of peace once he kissed your cheek. Your even softer under his lips, despite them being chapped due to neglected self-care. It's not funny how often he found himself dreaming of kissing you, of holding you in his arms. A ridiculous amount of times he wanted to stop other men to smalltalk you, just by saying he's your boyfriend. Giving him the right to be jealous, allowing him to be protective of you. He did it again, Saeran placed his hand onto your other cheek, brining your face closer. That's never going to happen, right..? He smiled pained against your skin. You never want me that way, I know. He tried to accept it.

He tried often, it's not like he's ignoring your personal space and refused to acknowledge that he's not having consent. Saeran really did what he's capable of to move on, but he felt stuck. It's as if you dragged him into a rabbit hole he could never escape again. His tears ran down his cheeks, cooling the burning temperature of his body. I want you to want me too. That's wrong, right? I shouldn't hope for that, right? Saeran didn't notice you shifting, he continued to leave little kisses on your cheek. Swallowing his crying skillfully. All he wished for's your affection. But that's too much. You gave away way too many things already, he didn't deserve to ask for more.

"Hm..? Saeran?"

He froze in place, unable to move away and run out of the room. Shit.. It made him aware of the alcohol corrupting his actions again, that you're awake now's a real-life nightmare. Your sleepy voice called out his name a second time, finally having him break the dam and sit straight quickly. You rubbed the sleep out of your eye, sitting up as Saeran's still glued to the bed. I need to leave— His brain screamed for him to escape, that way he didn't have to explain any of this. Yet he's only able to meet your confused gaze.

"Where were you? I was worried."

Don't.. His jaw tensed up, feeling the shame scratch at his bones the countless time. He'd been running away from you and his emotions, totally ignoring that you're still caring about him. That was selfish.. The redhead realized too late. Like so often, he didn't consider your feelings, instead he acted the way a child would. Since he didn't answer, you yawed away the rest fatigue.

"Also.. did you kiss my cheek?"

What's he supposed to say? You dreamed that? Saeran made a fist in order to keep his calm, pressing hard enough until it's shaking. How could he explain his fear of seeing you date someone else one day? Worse of all his brother? What word could describe the desperation for your love? The helpless feeling having him drown in shame? How could Saeran possibility bring all of this across? He's not the man for words. I can't believe it.. What have I done.. Saeran had no choice but watch you grab the phone from the nightstand, checking the lockscreen. He wanted to sink into the ground when seeing he texted you sixteen times.

"Oh no.. Did you need me? Did something happen? I'm sorry I didn't receive your messages."

The apology made his stomach clench painfully. God.. I'm so stupid.. He held back the new wave of tears burning his retina. Saeran gasped as you tried to open your phone and read what he'd send over the evening. No!! He couldn't let you see, he'd been an total idiot and ended up spilling his guts. No way he's going to let you know, he needed to hack your device and delete these embarrassing confessions. You raised an eyebrow in confusion as he quickly grabbed your wrist, preventing you from tapping onto the messenger icon.

"Don't! No reading, just– Don't look at it!"

"Saeran.. are you drunk?"

His strength around your wrist increased, meeting your eyes which were filled with suspicions. Words caught in the back of his throat, he'd never been more ashamed in his life when seeing your face turning into shock.

"You smell of alcohol.. You did drink."

Saeran's unable to tell there were tears rolling over his cheeks, shaking his head almost as if in trance. I.. no.. There's no excuse he could use to smooth the air, you're smelling evey evidence that he'd been out to the bar. She's going to hate me– As you placed the phone back down, Saeran's close to rip out his hair for punishment. She will hate me more than she already does– His heart contracted, leaving him breathless for a concerning amount of time. It felt like needles piercing through his skin after you brought the palm of your hand to his wet cheek.

"Saeran.. What's going on? I don't.."

You shook your head, looking like you're not quite able to comprehend what he'd done. Neither could he, if he'd been honest. He's a disgrace for the entire RFA and all the members, including you. Saeran's tongue burned with many different questions, yet the one that scared him the most shot out immediately.

"Do you hate me now??"

Saeran's vision's sightly blurry, he couldn't tell if you're frowning or tilting your head to the side. The taste of whiskey's still rinsing through his teeth, he wanted to spit it out. He wanted to erase the entire evening. Although you must've been disappointed, your tone's as soft as he remembered.

"I could never hate you, Saeran. I just.. What made you go drink?"

You.. He admitted bitterly, much against his liking. I can't stop thinking about you.. Your big eyes seeking answers, focusing at only him since he's alone with you. I'm hurt because I know.. Saeran opened his mouth, sadly there's no sound leaving. Not brave enough to put his emotions in front of your feet. I know you don't like me.. The moment he could feel your other hand come around his, still keeping your wrist in place, his heart skipped a beat.

"Hey. It's okay, whatever you're scared of. If you're not ready, we don't have to talk.. but please know I'm always here for you."

Saeran lowered his head, hiding away as far as his chaotic hair allowed it. This is a mistake.. Look at you, kind and lovely like always. Waking up from your goodnight slumber just to comfort him, although he's not in the position to get cared about. Saeran knew he's being disgusting, a horrible person for putting you through all this mess. But when you're saying such sweet things, really reaching inside of him as one of the only people, he's desperate. I just.. You didn't comment as he leaned in more, taking your other hand in his. Please, this once.. Your touch never painful. There's no aspect of you frightening Saeran, on the contrary, you saved him lots of times. All because you're kind.

"Saeran?"

"(N), I'm... I'm sorry but.."

Saeran gritted his teeth, pressing his forehead against yours. The contrast in temperature's relaxing, your scent rose into his nose to fixate his senses. Something sweet, something familiar like the nature outside the door. Just one time.. Saeran shook his head for a moment, not able to believe himself as he closed the distance to kiss you. A little yelp died when he moved his lips greedily against yours, as soft as they looked like. A moment where he's granted the privilege of forgetting eveyhing else but you, as you're the only focus he's having. Hm.. Your lips felt perfect against his, giving him the illusion he might be more than just an idiot.

You're the one pulling away. It scared him to the bone, afraid you're going to scream and hit him. Even though that's irrational thinking since you would never hurt him that way, Saeran's unable to control his emotions anymore. The possibility of you staring back in disgust broke his heart, hearing your voice filled with remorse surely would kill him. No, no.. Just one time– He didn't give you time, instead he leaned in faster. Capturing your lips once again, moving harder than the first time. Hoping you're able to feel his desperation and just pity him. If it's pity making you give in, he would take it. It didn't matter, all he wanted was to kiss you more.

Saeran used more pressure, pushing you down onto the bed. He let go of your wrist, hands coming around your face to cup both cheeks. You didn't hit him yet, nor did you move in a way that searched for distance. Could he take that as a hint? I'm so pathetic for cornering her like this, I can't.. Although he's guilty as the only one, the pain's overwhelming. The redhead leaned your head more to the side, uncertain as he pulled your chin with his thumb. But you let it happen, your lips parted until he could push his tongue into your mouth. Oh.. He's dizzy again, only difference it's not the alcohol's work. His thoughts lost themselves when tasting you in such an intimate way.

Warm.. It's hot inside your mouth, hotter than his skin even. Wet too.. He almost pulled away in surprise as your tongue came in contact with his, that feeling's dirty at first since it's wet. Regardless, soon he found out what to do, how to move it against yours as you guided him quietly. Closer, please.. Saeran's hands ran down your shoulders, feeling both your skin and your nightgown underneath his fingertips. Your toothpaste's minty considering you went to bed already, he's half aware he should apologize for tasting of alcohol. No oxygen left inside his lunges, Saeran found the courage to pull away.

Hearing you breath heavily alongside himself's attractive, he liked to hear more of your breathing. Your voice in general send shivers of joy through his veins. I need her.. He didn't dare to open his eyes, the unknown outcome of consequences ate away his soul. It's okay but.. I need you. I need you (N).. He'd take it all, if you despised him afterwards. Saeran needed you like no other, it's terrifying to not know when that changed over the months he spend by your side. Your hand came up, rushing through his hair carefully. He immediately leaned into your touch.

"Do you pity me?"

His voice's surprisingly steady. I'm about to.. Saeran could tell what's going to happen now, if it played out in his favor or not. There had never been anything to begin with, I won't ruin our relationship. We never had one. But.. He almost prayed it wouldn't work, just for your sake. Did it occurr you before? The possibility that he might still be a bad person? Because he's exactly that as these words left his mouth.

"You said.. you're there for me. You help me. You made it a promise. And I.. I need your help now (N)."

Saeran whispered, breath hitting your lips as he leaned down to kiss your jaw. Hands coming around your body, holding you when getting rid of the duvet. Can you tell now? I'm a monster.. He sighed by the heartbeat under his lips, you're nervous. Or maybe conflicted, but he'd done that on purpose. Saeran needed you, needed you to only see him for a while. Back then you promised to always help if necessary, you assured to be there when asking for it. I'm using your words against you.. You didn't answer yet, probably because you're offended by his audacity. He's able to hear you intake air sharply as he climbed over you, taking away the blanket completely.

"Hah.. You're mad, right? You have every right to be."

Unsure if acknowledging his doing's making it better or worse, Saeran nibbled on the skin under your jaw. You trembled, he could tell through the thin fabric you wore. A constant friction against his own body, getting him excited within mere seconds. His movements fluently once he brushed his hands past the nightgown, touching the even softer skin of your thighs. I'm sorry, Flower.. He frowned deeply as he sucked on the crock of your neck, having you ache your back in response. Your chest came in contact with his, it chased blush over his cheeks I'm a monster. You should've..

"How does it feel..? Having your good intentions being hold against you. That's why you should've never come close to me."

He stated dull, alcohol keeping his head dizzy, not sure what's coming over his lips and what's nothing other than thoughts floating by. It's true, he's asking of something you never implied when making promises. You didn't make a move into that direction, either. Saeran's eyes were irritated, although he's not the victim of circumstances. Despite it all, he's the one tearing up, feeling torn apart in his heart. I want to do this differently.. I don't want to be the bad guy again.. That's proof enough. He'll always be a devil.

"I know that.. I'm taking advantage of your kindness. You can hate me for doing this. I deserve it."

"Take off your shoes, Saeran."

Silence fell upon the both of you. What– Did the alcohol messed up his brain that much? Saeran lifted himself, trying to find out what you'd said exactly as he missunderstood. He didn't expect for you to stare back with such calm. Half lidded eyes glittering due to the little light sneaking inside, face owning color from his care. Saeran lost himself in your beauty, heart racing by the fear and the love he's forced to deal with. You placed your hand against his shoulder, taking in air.

"I said take off your shoes, Saeran. You make my bed dirty.. And the jacket too, you'll catch a cold like this."

Saeran blinked, wondering if you overheard what he'd said. Or maybe that he didn't use words to express his next failure. As you continued to stare, he felt obligated and sat up. A cold.. caring.. He smiled to himself, even now. After what he'd done again, you're making sure he's healthy and safe. It took some effort, however, after a minute he's placing the shoes at the floor. His jacket next, the blood rushed into his ears when remembering that your eyes were watching his every move. You sat back up, bringing him face to face with one swoop touch of your hand. Again, there's a calm albeit strict shimmer covering your pretty eyes.

"You're drunk, you know.. How can you be sure that what you're doing's legitimate?"

"Ah– Don't say that. I-I want to. I always wanted you.."

He countered clumsily, watching the color on your cheeks become a shade darker. She's still going to reject me..? Saeran's hands flew up, taking your head and trap you in his grasp. I knew it.. He bit down his lower lip, the taste of iron spreading on his tongue. You didn't refuse as he pushed you back down. You'll leave me either way.. His one big reason for never letting you slip through his hands. The redhead kissed your cheek, temple next and went to your nose. Not tonight, at least.. I beg you.. Just this one time. Then you can throw me out.. Your breath hit his neck when reaching up to place a kiss onto your hairline.

With your hands running back through the red strands of hair, he found stability. Saeran licked over your lips, entering your mouth a second time tonight in order to taste all of you. Mine.. His subconscious mumbled, the words had him dig his nails into your clothes, squeezing his body between your legs. Please be mine.. Saeran's breath hitched as you played with his hair, tugging here and there to catch him off guard. Flower, you have to be mine for once.. His body tingled as your legs lifted from the bed, giving him the opportunity to come even closer. You're inviting him, right? Saeran pulled down your underwear, fearing you'd change your mind after all.

But to his surprise, you let him. His kisses wandered back down to your neck. Licking your skin, sucking where you're sensitive. The shivers and goosebumps on your arms were addictive, he's intoxicated by all the small sounds and reactions you're giving him. You titled your head back more, a quiet thank you fell over his lips before leaving a mark under your ear. Saeran almost jerked forward when you pulled on his waistband. You want to.. He told himself, even though he couldn't be sure if you're doing it as willingly. Or simply because you felt obligated due to the guilt trip he put you through moments ago.

Your low sigh's sending desire down his crotch. The redhead ran out of patience, he'd been waiting for what felt like an eternity. It's keeping his eyes glued to your lower body, the way you tried to close your legs by reflex when his fingers stroked over your inner thigh. He quickly pushed one knee away, instead of going higher, he pulled on your nightgown. Your eyes looked for his, a silent conversation took place only you understood before you lifted your arms. Saeran's chest sparkled with undeserved pride, knowing he's the one seeing you in such an vulnerable state. I'm not hurting you any further tonight, I promise..

Now that you're naked, Saeran's pulse shoot through the roof. He'd never seen a naked woman in real life, his head began to spin harder than before. There's no time for shame on your side, considering Saeran let his hands run up from your belly over your ribs until he could cup your breasts. The little gaps of yours had been adorable. God, she's soft literally everywhere.. Your eyelashes fluttered shut as he squeezed more, using pressure to watch your reaction carefully. The noise of you whining when he pinched your nipple went straight into his pants. He'd never been on fire like this.

"Flower."

You looked back up, quite innocent facial expression despite his hands on your body. Saeran's heart blocked his throat, he leaned down again to kiss you. Slow, taking his time to memorize your patterns. His hands came back up, taking your head to bring you as close as possible. I love her.. The words by themselves were bad enough, the fact he's about to prove it by spending the night with you's having an affect on his soul. I love you so damn much.. Your fingers came around his shirt, also pulling the fabric up an inch higher. My body.. Insecurities prevented him from lifting his arms. Saeran pulled away, leaving a slight trace of salvia behind.

"Trust me.. you don't want to see. I'm ugly. It's– It's better I keep my clothes o-on."

"I'd never judge you for your appearance, Saeran. Please take it off for me."

Your words got his entire face to burn bright red. No judging..? That's impossible once you'd see how ugly he looked. Although he's more healthy, he's still cursed with scars and the fact he's born thin. But she's asking.. One of the voices in the back of his head reminded. Saeran couldn't refuse you a wish, therefore he swallowed the acid caused by self-hatred to take his shirt over his head. You didn't have to see, he could keep you close instead. As the fabric landed somewhere on the floor, your hands ran over his chest. It had him shudder uncontrollably.

"You're fine in my eyes, Saeran. You feel good."

A silly smile formed on his lips, urging him to kiss your forehead for a couple of seconds. Fine.. She thinks I'm fine. I feel good.. He repeated your comfort, soaking it up with desperation. Wanting to believe you without doubt, taking them to heart regardless his issues. Saeran nodded, leaving another hickey on the left side of your neck. As your hands touched his bare back, he's the one gasping sharp. Oh fuck.. Saeran closed his eyes as you ran your nails down from his neck to his hips, leaving slight red lines behind. Unable to see straight, the redhead put one hand to your back as well, pulling you against his chest.

"You're perfect. You.. Flower. Can you see how perfect you are?"

Saeran tried to open his belt with one hand, never satisfied with the amount of marks on your neck. He bit down your shoulder, hearing your breath hitch as he removed his pants by using some more effort. He's pulsing everywhere, but down there's numbing his mind. The air's thick, there's electricity in every single move you both made, Saeran's losing his mind with you. You have to.. He leaned back down to suck on your breast instead. Appreciating how your hand had a tight hold of his hair by that, using strength whenever he licked harder. Your legs twiched when he gave the other side the same treatment. You're truly addicting.

"(N).. I want to have you. Please."

You didn't answer, the only sound coming from you's heavy breathing. Saeran nuzzled your temple, taking your hand into his. Once your fingers twisted and held each other, the butterflies in his stomach overpowered his lust. I want you to love me too.. He's close to say these words, in the end, however, he just bit the inside of his cheek. Being mine..? How can someone like her ever be mine.. With his voice being nothing more than a whisper beside your ear, you leaned into him by accident.

"Please sleep with me. It's.. Just this once. Tonight at least, please."

Saeran couldn't help the begging. I do everything. I swear.. He'd follow whatever you say, he'd leave forever once you're done if that's what you decide on. It didn't matter, all he wanted was to feel you the closest he could come. For one night he wanted to be the one on your mind, whatever happened later on's irrelevant. You stroked his cheek, almost killing the worries hautning his head. A simple touch, yet so affective. The redhead saw it as acceptance, leaving little kisses on your ear.

"Thank you.. I mean it. I won't ask for anything ever again, I promise."

Saeran's caress ran down to your chest again. How your back ached up's making him feel drunk all over again. Fuck.. His lips kiss down along your stomach, taking hold of your hips when being close between your legs. Luckily you couldn't tell his mouth's watering up, it's real gross. Before he could've gone further, you pushed him by the forehead. He didn't expect to find you leaning on your elbows, but it's a good look for you. His entire body shivered.

"Don't.. just.. I'm sorry, but I'm impatient. Come back up to me."

Your words made him obey mindlessly, leaning back up to meet your lips halfway. We're in agreement then.. His erection throbbed painfully by now, his boxers way too tight with the fabric becoming wet. You let him take the lead in the kiss, pressing his tongue down on yours. He pulled down the last piece of fabric in the way, position himself between your legs right away. As much as he wanted to be accepted, he's not ready to let you see that part of himself yet. Wait.. He stopped, there's a little detail that let the alarms in the back of his head ring.

"(N), I don't have—"

"It's okay, don't worry. I can get protection afterwards."

Saeran didn't know much about that topic, he nodded when blindly relying on your knowledge. His nerves tingled, he almost choked on spit when pressing the tip to your entrance. Fuck, why's it so hot..? You're burning already, it let him wonder how long he'd last in general. Saeran watched your face for a moment, eyes closed as you waited for him to make a move. His heart almost jumped out of his chest. I'm.. really having sex with her.. The thought left him long for much more. So much he would probably never be able to share or ask for, he promised to never ask favors again, after all. Stop thinking.. He forced himself to empty his brain.

Saeran couldn't breathe as he pushed himself inside you, both of you tensed up at first. Oh my god.. He felt like he's going to explode, that's nothing how he imagined. Once you're relaxed, he continued until there's no room between your bodies anymore. Saeran pressed one hand onto the mattress, trying to breathe through in order to not lose himself. You're burning alive from the inside, he'd never felt something similar before. The sweat on his skin's not cooling down, therefore making his hair sticky. Holy fuck this feels good.. You put your legs around his waist, getting him closer, however that's possible.

"Ah– ngh.. hm.. D-Don't move just y-yet."

Saeran's voice's broken in his own ears, trying to find composure and not come undone immediately. How are you so tight..? Like you're pulling him in without trying, the fact that you're wet didn't help to stay still. You waited patiently, he's grateful that you didn't urge him to speed things up. Not only because he's about to bust, but Saeran wanted to take his time with you. If he's having this only once, he's cherishing it. The redhead panted loudly when starting to find a rhythm. It's messy, he's stuttering by how sensitive everything felt. You moaned lightly every time he pushed back in, that sound's forever craved in his memories.

"Saeran, faster.."

"Shit. Don't a-ask that."

Denying's not possible, hearing you say that's having him want to give in completely. Saeran did what you wanted, he trusted faster and therefore harder than before. The whine of yours tore apart his better judgement, he needed to hear more of these nosies. Saeran grabbed your wrist, pulling it over your head to keep his body up. Without thinking much, he started to become confident in his movements. Your head fell back against the pillow, body completely melting into his trusts as he's reaching deeper than you ever managed.

"Sa-Saeran.."

God.. Hearing you cry his name like that, he couldn't help himself any longer. He set a pace that got him abandoning every thought that's not you. The sound of skin on skin reached him only halfway, your voice, on the other hand, is very presence inside his head. Saeran groaned as you met his trusts, messing over the rhythm for a moment as he saw black in front of his eyes. You both panted heavily once he's going harder, there's pressure bulding up deep inside of him. What about you..? He let your wirst go to run down your body, it had you moan pathetically when he rubbed your clit. I figured.. He'd read something about that of a woman's body by accident once.

"Hah.. There! Oh.. Saeran, there."

He held back a noise himself by your pleading, trusting in that same angle that seemed to get you off better. You grabbed him by the shoulders, nails going back to leave scratches on his skin. Saeran's lower stomach tightened quickly, forcing him to get as fast as he could go. Your back ached up, constantly crying and gasping by the rough treatment like you're close yourself. Seeing you lose yourself in pleasure due to him's bringing him closer as well, feeling his body start to flinch.

"Fuck.. F-Fuck, Flower.. I'm– I'm gonna.."

"Too, too! Don't stop.. P-Please. Ngh.."

He did as demanded, Saeran didn't stop even after he came. Every inch of his body itched, the pressure that build released itself when being so deep inside you. Dear God.. He's too far gone to realize he'd been breathing your name. His entire body slowly replaced the lust with satisfaction, it caught him off guard once you twiched in his hand. Your shaking hand pushed his fingers away from your sensitive spot, yet you continued to tighten around him. It's almost painful, Saeran kept his mouth shut and luckily it took only a couple more trust before you whined to him to stop. He pushed the limits one more time for the sake of teasing before pulling out completely.

Holy shit.. that was.. Saeran couldn't think of any word doing what happened justice, he'd never felt so alive in a good way. His mind stayed blank for quite a while, letting him enjoy what he shared with you. My head though.. It turned as if he'd been stuck on a carousel for hours. Saeran frowed, his own weight becoming impossible to hold up. Only then he realized he's still holding your hand. I did for the entire time.. It suffocated him, knowing he'd been clinging so tightly. At least.. He tried to tell himself it's okay. He'd got what he asked for, being close to you the most intimate way. You sighed, finding yourself and Saeran's subconscious mumbled for him to let go.

Not just her hand.. It told him, laying out the entire problematic. Saeran slowly pulled away, but he's not strong enough to actually let go. Literally and metaphorically. How could he? But I promised.. His eyelashes felt heavy. His every inch may be satisfied, but there's still an empty feeling in his chest. I had the hope it.. disappears. But.. On the contrary, now that he'd seen you in the kind of situation a lover would, the uncomfortable pressure's growing. Great. I just made it worse, didn't I.. Saeran's holding back the vomit paired with alcohol that rose into his throat. Before he knew, you reached up to stroke his tears away.

"Flower.. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for all the things I've done to you."

He hissed the words through his teeth to make sure he wouldn't start crying like a baby. Don't ask her for anything.. He reminded himself when lowering his head, forehead placed against yours for the countless time tonight. What was I thinking? This isn't going to fix the issue. If anything I just.. I lost.. The tears, these traitors, they revealed the truth without him confessing it out loud. Saeran's able to feel himself drift into sleep.

"I really love you. I'm sorry for feeling that way. I know I'm not good enough, so.. feel free.. kick me.. out.."

Saeran blacked out afterwards, unable to receive words nor actions that took place while sleeping the alcohol out of his system. He's unable to tell how much, deep or how long he slept and gave his body the chance to recover from both the unhealthy cope mechanism and the first time he spend with someone else.

One thing's sure, he slept like a stone since he didn't register anything until he woke up again. Normally Saeran's good night rest's interrupted by nasty memories corrupting his dreams or he would wake up by the slightest of sound outside his room. A habit that's sadly not leaving, he'd been used to prepare for others busting in, he learned how to recharge on the surface that way. But that night had been dead. As Saeran blinked the sleep out of his eyes, the sun shone through the sides of the curtains. He grunted, rubbing his eyes as his body's sore from head to toe. Fucking Whiskey.. He cursed himself for even considering it to be a good idea drowning out pain. I'm not my mom. What was I thinking..

Ashamed for losing his mind temporarily, Saeran sat up in his bed. Trying to figure out what had happened in the first place. Huh? Why's the mattress so soft..? He questioned confused into the lack of memories from last night, looking down until his eyes managed to find focus. Saeran immediately jerked in his position, feeling how all food and the drinks almost made him throw up by the realization hitting him like a flat hand. No.. I spend the night with... Saeran began to panic, you're gone already. It's probably lunch time or something. Now he could remember the texts. The way he watched you sleep. How he kissed you desperately and practically begged you to sleep with him.

All of it, like he'd never been drunk to begin with. I ruined.. His eyes widened in pure fear, it's keeping him glued to the bed that he didn't own. Oh my fucking god.. I ruined my friendship with (N).. Saeran threw his legs over the mattress, hissing out due to the pain in his muscles. Ignoring the aching protest of his body, Saeran quietly peeked through the door. The floor's silent, nobody seemed to be around. Saeyoung and Vanderwood probably were still at the hotel they booked for the convention. She's.. gone too.. I hope.. Saeran swallowed hard as he tip toed to his room. He's lucky, since he got a bathroom attached only for him to use. 

The blush reached his shoulders as he remembered he left everything in your room. Shoes, jacket and also his goddamn clothes. Fuck fuck fuck... He jumped into a cold shower, one of the punishments he used on himself back at Magenta. The water had him tremble by how it forced his temperature to sink. He reached up with both hands, pulling on his hair until it hurt. I can't believe it!!! I fucked up everything I could have!! What am I supposed to do now..? His heart's showing he's still alive, his nerves tore apart by the mere thought of meeting you today. The hot tears were a good contrast to the cold shower he finished after a while.

Saeran tried not to mention anything regarding last night inside his own head, there's so much he did wrong he couldn't even begin the list. Hopefully you would beat him, he deserved to get punished by you as well. The redhead breathed through every now and then while getting ready for the day. Once he's finished, he quietly went back into your room to pick up all the shit he left in there. Oh my god.. The moment he opened the door, the smell of something unidentifiable filled his nose. Although Saeran's not the most educated, it's safe to assume that's how sex smelled. What have I done.. What did I even say!? He got angry with himself right away.

He could recall how he used your promises of comfort in order to pressure you into intimacy with him. Saeran threw the dirty clothes into the laundry basket before hitting the wall next to it. Using all strength, for a moment he prayed he broke his hand. The bang's not as loud, the pain, however, more than present. I am so fucking disgusting.. He referred from looking at his reflection inside the mirror. I'm truly a devil. I should be put in an insane asylum, what the fuck.. How could he do this to you? You, from all people on this earth, the one that never hurt him. A kind and thoughtful young woman with pretty face. The one he held major respect for. The girl he loved to death.

Saeran grabbed his phone from the nightstand, almost not in the condition to check the messages he'd send you before messing up completely. The typos.. Not only they were embarrassing. Saeran's lips became drier than a desert by the shit he spilled over night. Oh fuck.. He couldn't believe it, this turned more and more into the worse case scenario. He really shared all insecurities over the messenger, how you probably hated him and would be better if he disappeared. What got his stomach to drop the most's the fact he said he knew he's never going to be good enough, that he's trying to change. All because he liked you.

The hurt of his knuckles got drowned out as reality's crumbling apart. She knows.. He couldn't repress it, there's no way you're unaware. Not after reading this chaos of a confession. She knows I am in love with her.. Saeran needed to place the phone back onto the nightstand, sitting down on his own bed to rub his irritated eyes. Congratulations.. He told himself with the most sarcastic tone. Guess what person you chased out of your life next? Yeah, the one you feel the most for.. Saeran took half an hour to insult himself, get the hatred into actions when scratching his arms wound.

Once he's functioning again, he stood up to go down into the kitchen. It didn't help, he had to at least act like he's okay in case his brother came home early. Saeran went down the stairs, not paying attention to anything in particular. Sometimes I wonder why I'm still here.. He took the cup from the kitchen  cabinet, clicking the button to get the coffee machine to work. I can't keep what's dear to me, anyways. I'm born to be lonely. I don't know what I was expecting, really.. He took the sugar to add some when hearing a noise coming from the right. Saeran stopped his movements when finding you leaning against the wall. Oh..

It's you. But Saeran couldn't feel the panic, there's nothing at all to be detected. For a moment it confused him, maybe it's another self-defense his brain came up with. You're staring at each other, Saeran tried real hard to not look at the goddamn marks he left on you. I really did you dirty.. He broke the intimacy first, looking back to place the cup correctly underneath the coffee machine. The nothingness inside him's more terrifying than the silence hanging in the air.

"If you want me to leave and never come back, just say so. I go pack my things."

Saeran's voice's sounding detached, it's not his intention, he's unsure how to change that problem, though. I mean it.. He would let everything fall the moment you told him to fuck off, he'd get the stuff that's important and find another place. Saeyoung surely would help him regardless if he's to blame or not. Saeran pressed the button after the water's ready, at least the noise from the machine killed the quiet. I wonder.. how much you regret meeting me now.. He stared as the dark brown liquid ran into the cup. You should hate me, but you do already, right? I really deserve it if so.. Things stopped as you took the cup away after it's filled.

"How can I hate the man I had sex with?"

Your words caught him on the wrong foot, Saeran frowned up as you started to drink from his cup. What..? The word alone got his skin to crawl. You don't hate me? How?? He's genuinely curious, not brave enough to ask though. Maybe the answer's still painful. You met his bewildered facial expression, there's a shimmer in your eyes he'd never seen before. Now he felt again, like someone clicked a switch in the back of his head. And it's shame he's drowning in. He shook his head, red hair still a bit wet due to the shower.

"Saeran, are you regretting what happened last night? You were really drunk."

For a moment the urge to cry's bigger than anything else. How could I.. Saeran closed his eyes to intake air slowly, turning his back to you in case he'd end up crying in front of you. But you're not mocking me, right? That's not your style.. He took a butter knife, although he's not hungry, he had to pretend to be busy with his hands. 

"Did you read the text?"

He countered with another question, hearing you enjoy drinking the coffee. You hummed, confronting him with the fact that, yes, you read the most shameful shit he'd ever wrote. Something a toddler could've phrased better. Saeran almost snapped by how ridiculous everything seemed. Instead he licked his dry lips, defeat spreading over his tongue.

"Then you have your answer."

You didn't say anything, it wouldn't shock him if you're going to scold or yell at him. He probably should regret what he'd done, what he put you through by using your kind nature selfishly for his own pleasure. But he's not sorry for sharing himself so dearly, nor that he got to experience your most intimate state. You'd been beautiful, you fit perfectly in his hands. His name sounded comfortable for once when being spoken. What are you waiting for..? He went through the given options. Just tell me you're the one who regrets everything.. You placed the cup down onto the surface, putting your arms around his waist.

It tingled, the way you pulled him against your chest. She's... hugging me..? Saeran made a lost sound, trying to look back in vain as your face's buried into his cream colored sweater. The scent of yours filled his head, cashing a shade of red into his cheeks. You nuzzled against him, hands tight when gripping into his clothes. 

"I don't know what made you go drink, but if it's related to you having feelings for me I will throw hands."

"I– What?"

He's uncertain if he could follow, leave alone understand. You huffed, letting go in order to come beside him. Saeran adored your eyes, they're so bright and big whenever they're looking up to him. Your hand's careful in the most familiar way after coming to brush the bang's away from his forehead, only to let them fall forward again. Man.. He could tell both of you noticed how he's tearing up. 

"You never asked me how I feel, Saeran.. How can you be sure I don't return anything?"

You smiled, it broke his facade completely. I'm sorry.. I regret my stupidity so much.. Saeran let the knife go, arms coming around your delicate shape to bring you against his chest. You put your arms around his neck, not only accepting the hug, but also returning it. I'm such an idiot.. What did your words imply? What should he think of it? Shall he ask now? As he started to lose himself in the sea of questions, you brought him back into the moment thanks to your sweet voice lingering in his ears.

"Why do you think you're not good enough..? Do you really believe I want you gone? That's not true, none of it is!"

His tears made your shoulder wet, feeling both ashamed for doubting you as you're one of the most honest people he ever met and for the fact that you're killing his insecurities. You think I'm.. Saeran opened his bluish eyes, trying to figure things out and sort thoughts through. I'm good enough? Really? How..? Could Saeran truly believe that? You're perfect, out of his league. He couldn't possibly meet your expectations, it's nothing but a misunderstanding. The sudden giggle on your part's genuine. Melting away all worries of the redhead for a moment.

"Also.. I really adore that you call me Flower. That's so cute."

The blush reached both his shoulders and ears. Embarrassing... He already forgot he'd been calling you by the secret nickname he had given you inside his head and phone once he fell in love. Saeran exhaled the sigh he didn't know he repressed as you kissed his temple. So.. you do feel..? Unable to finish the assumption, he appreciated your affection regardless your emotions.

"You can ask me favors whenever you need. You can take my kindness for your pleasure.. We can have nights together more often."

The last sentence must've been nerve-wracking for you to point out as well. There's weight falling off Saeran's shoulders, liberating his soul like never before. She's so generous, so kind.. Even after he'd been treating you horribly wrong, you're offering for him to continue rely on you. He could tell the love for you's growing by the minute, becoming a burning passion in his heart. I'm head over heels.. Saeran had never seen himself that cheesy before, he didn't know that side existed at all. As you pulled away to seek his eyes, Saeran found nothing but adoration. Stealing all his breath.

"I like you too, you know? I really love you."

You send him eating his own words, he could recall he texted one and the other was said before falling asleep. Saeran's tears didn't hurt for once, on the contrary they're appreciated. Surreal albeit happy, he felt like dying because of an heart attack. You love me..? He stared down to you in shock, making you giggle amused by the reaction. You truly.. you.. As he's caught up in another storm, you leaned onto your tiptoes to give him a peek to the lips. That's when Saeran's aware everything happening's real. Later he really had to ask a list of questions as to how that's possible.

You laughed once he shifted your weight, grabbing you tighter in order to pick you up. She really is mine?! Saeran smiled wide, you've never seen such a bright look on his face before. It caused your heart to bleed.

"You really love me back?"

"Yeah, I really do love you back!"

The laughter coming from your heart lightened up the entire house, Saeran could feel inner peace for the first time in his life. You're so cute.. The way you cupped his cheeks when being picked up, smile reflecting your happiness as you showed by only that alone you're not lying. There's no pity to find, only affection. Saeran let you down again as his back began to hurt, he's still sore, after all. You let him pull you against his chest, hoping you're able to hear how quick his heart's beating for you. Saeran couldn't contain his own excitement as he kissed the top of your head.

"Thank you, Flower.. I'm so so happy."

"I'm happy too. So please, don't go drinking again, it really worried me.."

"No worries, I won't. I.. I have you. I don't need anything else when you're with me."