Work Text:
Dear Alfred,
There aren’t words to express how I am right now. I keep seeing things and hearing words that I know aren’t there.
You aren’t the little boy I found all that time ago. I knew it would happen-I always did. But somehow there was this part of me that refused to accept it; told me that you would stay with me forever. Ridiculous bloody pile of bullshit, that.
I know why you felt, Alfred, and truthfully I don’t blame you. I wasn’t cut out to take care of someone, especially not someone as strange and unique and as wonderful as you.
Alfred-
I can’t say there haven’t been times when you didn’t frustrate and challenge me. You have made me at one point or another question everything I knew. But for all the times when we were at each other’s throats, I wanted to tell you something so badly. Something that, at the time, I was terrified to say.
Emotions have never been or come easily to me. It’s not an excuse for my actions, but I hope it does help to explain them. I only wish now that I could have at least brought myself to apologise-strange, I’ve always taught you to be honest, and there I was lying the entire time. To you, to myself; to and about everything.
It’s time for me to start telling the truth.
Please, forgive me. Forgive me for the words I could not bring myself to say. Pardon every cold glance I gave you; every time I brushed you aside. You are warmth and sunshine and boisterous laughter where I am cold and distance and silence. I was afraid of what I didn’t understand, and I didn’t act the way you needed me to.
I was not the man you needed me to be.
Please, please…
Forgive me.
I don’t know where you are now. I imagine you’re probably having coffee in your garden, dressed in that ridiculous jacket. It’s probably also bloody hot over there.
But wherever you are, and whatever you’re doing, I freely admit that you are better off than when you were here with me. You have so much that you will do, and so many people for you to imitate rather than me.
I am not a leader, Alfred.
I am just a man that is completely, helplessly permanently, in love with you.
Forgive me for taking so long to say these words to you.
I love you.
The thing I regret the most is that you loved me too. I could see it in every look, every mannerism, every gesture. I saw it, and goddamned coward that I was, I never said a word.
Emotional constipation is no longer my issue-I have a different problem now. A few nights ago I woke up crying; I don’t know why. I couldn’t tell you for how long. All I know if that once I had started I just couldn’t stop and I knew that I had to tell you.
So…now I’ve told you.
I don’t expect you to understand. I certainly don’t expect you to reply or reciprocate.
But darling, I would give anything if you would. I would spend the rest of my life, and perhaps beyond that, showing you how grateful I am, and how sorry, and how lucky I was to have you, even for a short time.
My beautiful, strange, wonderful Alfred.
I love you.
Yours,
Arthur Kirkland