Chapter Text
Meat or candy? You stare at the two options on the picnic blanket, the seemingly simple option weighing heavily on your mind. You think the meat looks like it would be tough, raw, difficult to swallow. You aren’t sure you can take that. Even years after it all happened, you still feel exhausted from the events of Sburb. It’s a weight that’s always stayed with you, bleeding into your mind, sitting heavy in your gut. After thinking it over, you reach for the candy. But you hesitate.
The candy looks delicious, sure. You’ve always had a bit of a sweet tooth (even if your father’s excessive cake baking nearly made you quit sugar altogether) and you don’t doubt that it would taste great. Besides, maybe the sweet taste would be enough to overwhelm the bile in your mouth, that bitter unpleasant flavor you just can’t shake. The problem is that you’re //hungry. If you pick the candy, no doubt it’ll melt in your mouth. But then it’ll be gone all too quickly, and you’ll be left feeling just as empty as before.
The stupid thing is, you know your choice doesn’t really matter. It’s just a question of what you’ll eat while on a picnic date with two friends. It’s mundane, it’s inconsequential, and whatever you choose you’ll probably end up regretting anyway. It shouldn’t feel so overwhelming to make such a simple, meaningless choice.
Meat or candy?
You glance at the picnic basket, trying to put off the decision for just a few seconds longer. Something below the lid catches your eye, a glimpse of something bright orange. You thought when Calliope and Roxy set out the picnic blanket, they’d completely emptied out the basket. You lean over, flipping up the lid to look inside. Sitting in the wicker basket is a pumpkin, bulbous and round and very demonstrably there. You awkwardly grab the stem with one hand, pulling it free from the basket with the other.
JOHN: What about this pumpkin?
CALLIOPE: what pUmpkin?
ROXY: weirddddd callie did u pack that? I dont remember bringin a pumpkin lmao
CALLIOPE: no, no, i didn’t pUt it in there.
ROXY: omfg??? wack
JOHN: Well, obviously someone put a pumpkin in the basket, its right in front of us
You look at the pumpkin. It has no reason to be here. It wasn’t set out on the picnic blanket; it wasn’t brought up as an option. It’s not as sweet as candy or as hardy as meat.
Without thinking, you plunge your hand into the pumpkin. The tough shell splinters as you force your hand in, grabbing fistfuls of wet fleshy pumpkin seeds. You tear it out, pumpkin juice running down your arm, soaking your sleeve. You shove it into your mouth and start chewing, and before you can even swallow, you’re grabbing more. You shovel pumpkin into your mouth as fast as you can, feeling overcome with a strange sense of cathartic desperation. You can barely breathe around the mouthfuls of juicy nasty pumpkin, and god it really does taste shitty raw and alone. But you don’t care. You think you might be crying. No, you’re definitely sitting on the ground with a face full of tears and two drippy fists clutching pumpkin guts. You don’t know why you’re crying. You slowly lower your hands, dropping the pumpkin. You laugh. (It’s broken up by sobs, and even though you try to hide it, you don’t think you’re doing a very good job.)
There’s a hand on your shoulder. You look up, and Roxy has reached out to you, giving you a gentle pat and a concerned look. Behind them, Calliope watches with worried eyes. They both came closer to check on you, spilling the meat and candy into the grass, abandoned to whatever anthill finds them first.
ROXY: john?
JOHN: Im. Im not okay, I wanted to say I am but Im not, fuck, Im an adult now why does all of this still bother me?
ROXY: john its ok, deep breath. why does what still bother u?
JOHN: Everything! Its stupid, I keep thinking about how much sburb sucked and how much I miss my dad and even when Im not thinking about it Im tired all the time. Like, its not like Im never happy, but I just feel tired and shitty so much! It sucks!
JOHN: All of it happened years ago. I should have grown out of it. It shouldnt still feel this bad
CALLIOPE: john
CALLIOPE: i know yoU and i are not particUlarly close, bUt if i may,
CALLIOPE: i am not sUre yoU have ever actUally addressed the traUma yoU have encoUntered. many of oUr friends on earth c have romantic partners or bUisness ventUres to occUpy themselves with, bUt you have had nothing bUt yoUr thoUghts.
JOHN: Are you saying I need to get a hobby?
CALLIOPE: no. i am saying yoU may want to see a therapist.
CALLIOPE: we all have oUr ways of coping, for better or worse. bUt to my knowledge yoU have little to keep yoUr mind off yoUr traUma, let alone methods of coping.
JOHN: Am I really that messed up?
ROXY: john, callie does sorta have a point. tbh we probably ALL need like sooo much therapy, but. almost everyone except u has something to keep em busy. ur pretty much sitting in ur house all the time
ROXY: besides, i saw a therapist abt my addiction relapse a few years ago at it was great i learned hella coping mechanisms im like the god of being stable and shit
ROXY: aw gee this is lo key turning into a intervention oops sorry johnny
JOHN: Maybe you have a point. But I still have to go face Lord English and defeat him because destiny and the end of the world and stuff
CALLIOPE: that is trUe. it mUst be done.
ROXY: ok
ROXY: but
ROXY: why does it have to be now?
ROXY: look ik rosey said it has to b now and i love her to bits but ur warpy thing does go through time so i dont see y u cant take a month to like. try and put ur life back together u know?
JOHN: If I don’t do it now, I might never do it
ROXY: might, not for super sure. mayb just take the night to think abt it johnnycakes?
CALLIOPE: i do not think it can hUrt to consider.
You’ve spent so long thinking about sburb and the end of the world and the inevitable fight against Caliborn past and future, that you aren’t sure how to set that aside. Isn’t it selfish? Rose said that canon depended on relevancy, so choosing for yourself to step back and think only of your own mental health seems like it could hurt everyone else too. But both Roxy and Calliope are insisting, and Calliope rarely insists on anything. You’re tired (when are you not tired? Have you honestly felt awake even once since you were twelve?) so it’s easier to just let them choose for you.
Eventually, you agree to head home and consider therapy. You don’t totally do as they asked, though. Despite the fact that you don’t leave home often, you still find yourself faintly dreading going back to your empty childhood house, living in those haunted rooms where all this shit began. Besides, it’s only barely past noon. Tired as you may be, you know you probably shouldn’t go to sleep just yet. Maybe you’ll go see someone you know instead. You think it’s a little pathetic that you’re somewhat out of touch with your friends. You love all of them like family, but they’re all busy, and you always feel loathe to intrude on their bright happy new lives. Maybe you should work on pushing past that. You should go visit someone.
You aren’t ready to go back and tell Rose you’ve already messed everything up, and you were just talking to Calliope and Roxy. So that leaves Dave, Jade, Dirk, Jake, Jane, or Karkat. (Kanaya is probably with Rose, after all. You kick off the ground, flying up above Earth C, and decide where to go.