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Kate walked through the desks lined up in the NCIS field office, heading straight for the Special Agent in Charge’s glass office. Her eyes slid to the right on their own volition, seeking out the dark curls of someone she had no business looking for. It shouldn’t even be habit anymore; it’s been a month since their…break up? They never defined the relationship, but there certainly was one, whatever it was.
A month of glares, snarky retorts she told herself she deserved, and staring at the ceiling every night- not quite able to fall asleep because she messed up something good and, even worse, hurt the last person she had ever wanted to.
She snapped her gaze back in front of her as Lucy looked up, saw her, and sighed. She went into Tennant office, sat the files the agent had requested on her desk and took a seat. Tennant had sent her a text while she was en route saying the agent was delayed in interrogation but to wait for her. She ran a hand over her face, trying (and failing) to bring her thoughts back to her job and not the one who got away. It was futile. Lucy was always on her mind.
Kate messed it up, very on brand for her. She hoped this time it would be different, that she wouldn’t fuck everything up just this once. That she could learn to communicate, open up, share. A word, and act, that did not come easy to her.
She wasn’t always like this; she used to be a carefree little girl, talkative to the point of annoying those around her, smiling more often than not. The change happened gradually.
First shift was when her dad left. She was six (six and a half, as she would say back then, when those distinctions were of the utmost importance) and one morning she woke up with a happy family and came home from school to a broken one. Her mom told her, during one of her very frequent drunken spells, that he had left them all for a younger woman. That they weren’t good enough, any of them. Not good enough to keep him around.
She didn’t smile as much after that. Her brother did his best to keep her happy and laughing; he always invited her along when he went to hang out with his friends. The group of ten year olds was not very happy about hanging out with a little girl, but they put up with it for Noah’s sake. They slowly started to like her, as well. She was a natural troublemaker and always had the best plans for the weekends, detailed down to the last toilet paper roll and victim’s tree.
With her brother and their friends, she started smiling more again. They did their best to stay out of the house, coming home only at the very last possible second, in order to avoid their mother’s downward spirals. If they were older, Kate thinks back, they could have helped. They should not have had to, but they could have. But they were kids, they did not know what alcoholism was, they just saw the after effects.
Kate’s smile dimmed again when they were taken from their mother’s custody and went to live with their grandparents. It was weird at first, not being around their mom, but it felt less claustrophobic somehow. Like she could breathe again. She was in middle school at that point, had joined the track team, started hanging out with the girls in her grade instead of Noah’s friends.
Her grandfather was still a high-ranking official in the army, so they ended up moving around a lot. He taught at various military schools all over the country, dragging his family along with him. She learned not to get too attached to anything- places or people. She stopped talking as much, stopped opening up to people because what was the point when she would end up having to do it all over again in a few months or a year? She focused on track and on her grades, spending her free time studying for her SATs.
Noah went to war. Their grandfather’s influence there, she’s absolutely sure. He always looked up to him, hung on every word of the stories he told of the ‘glory days’. He rose in rank quickly and was already on his second tour overseas by the time she got accepted to Northwestern University, her grandmother’s alma mater.
Opening up was still difficult for her, even though she knew she had roots for four years straight. She tried; she joined a sorority (based on academics and society outreach, thank you very much), she dated, she went to parties. But she still had trouble letting anyone in past the basics. Her boyfriends would get tired of that and leave, which was fine, because she wasn’t really into them anyway. She pretended to be hurt because she saw from her sorority sisters that that was how she was supposed to feel. She also pretended that the sympathetic hugs she got from them didn’t feel better than any embrace she had from any of her past relationships. She didn’t want to dwell on that.
Her smile came back- not fully, but it was a good smile. A happiness filled her more often than not.
It lasted two years.
Her grandfather showed up at front door of Kappa Alpha Theta unannounced. Her roommate Martha called up the stairs for her but once she reached the landing and saw him there, Kate knew. She doesn’t remember much from that day, just that her scream brought everyone else out of their rooms and that she didn’t stop crying for three days straight.
Noah’s funeral was nice. Their grandmother planned it, Kate, at that point all cried out, too numb to do anything. Grandma was always that strongest. Their mother showed up, Kate hadn’t seen her since their brief interaction at her high school graduation. They didn’t talk much.
Their father was there, lurking in the back. She ignored him completely. At least he was smart enough not to bring his new family.
She went back to school a shell of what she was. She drank more, remembered less. The first time she slept with a woman she was drunk and getting fingered in the bathroom of a frat house. For the rest of college, the only time she could accept her sexuality was when she was drunk.
School always came easy to her, so her grades never slipped. Her friends worried constantly and sat by her side while her stomach got pumped more times than she was willing to admit. She slowly came back out from the hole she buried herself in when she buried her brother, but not until her grandfather sat her down the Christmas break of her senior year to discuss career options. She needed to figure out her future, he said. She was self-destructing and Noah wouldn’t want that.
He was always a harsh kind of gentle. He was stern, but loving. No-nonsense but quick to smile. An enigma of a man. She cried that night, with him holding her hand across the dining room table. He encouraged her to let it out, to feel what she had been avoiding feeling since she lost her brother.
The next day, they discussed her options. What did she want to do? What did she enjoy most in her classes? He suggested a government job, but said he wouldn’t make any calls on her behalf. She had to earn it.
That was fine with her, she never wanted any special treatment. So, she went back to school and sent out applications for work in DC. She still partied more than she should have, still went home with random women while buzzed. But she had a better handle on it. She wasn’t her mother. She vowed to never be her mother.
She started at the DIA that Summer. She came out to her grandparents that Winter, showing them photos of her new girlfriend.
Her girlfriend dumped her that Spring, saying Kate never opened up, never talked about herself, always kept secrets. That definitely hurt more than any breakup she had in high school or college.
She tried harder with her next girlfriend- a tall brunette named Amy. That lasted two years. They were happy, they moved in together, she shared about her brother, Amy told her about her non-existent relationship with her parents. Kate wanted to tell her ‘same’, but the lid on that box was closed tightly.
Maybe that’s why she was so good at her job: she kept secrets a little too well.
Amy got tired of secrets too, eventually. She said Kate locked too much away and wasn’t able to communicate well. She paired it with some not so nice things once it turned into a fight.
Kate moved out and got promoted at work. Win some, lose some. She refrained from any serious dating for a few years after Amy. She had casual flings, the easiest way to keep the loneliness at bay without having to open herself up, emotionally or otherwise.
She met Cara at work. Different departments, but similar enough work to make it so ‘secrets’ weren’t an issue. They both had them, and they both understood that’s the job. She still struggled with communication, but Cara didn’t seem to mind.
Until she did. They stopped talking as much, started drifting away. Kate got a job in the Hawaii office, Cara wasn’t invited to join her. She thought that was a clear break.
It clearly wasn’t.
She didn’t plan on falling for Lucy, it was supposed to be a casual thing. At least at first. When they decided to give ‘whatever this is’ a try, she thought, maybe I’ll be different this time. Maybe I’ll open up more. Maybe I’m capable of being more.
They had a great thing going, Lucy was smart and funny and beautiful and kind and perfect. So naturally all of Kate’s past issues came back to bite her in the ass.
And she just had to deal with the consequences.
She jumped when there was a knock on the door. She swiveled around to see Lucy poke her head in.
‘Interrogation’s taking a lot longer than expected, the guy won’t budge,’ she said.
Kate gave her a small, unintentionally sad smile, her mind still on the past. ‘I don’t mind waiting.’
Lucy studied her, head tilted in that adorable way she did when she was puzzling something out. She stepped inside and let the door close behind her. ‘Are you okay?’
Kate let out a sigh. ‘Yeah, just thinking.’ Lucy came in front of her and leaned her hip on Tennant’s desk.
‘Penny for your thoughts?’
‘You don’t need to, Luce.’ She fiddled with her lanyard. ‘You don’t have to pretend to care.’
‘I’m not pretending, Whistler. Just because I’m mad and hurt doesn’t mean I don’t care.’ She looked up as Tennant came through the bullpen door. ‘Looks like the guy talked. We should too. Drinks tonight?’
‘I-um.’ This was the last thing she was expecting. But it was an olive branch. Even if Lucy didn’t want to get back together and she just wanted civility, Kate would take it. She wouldn’t make the same mistakes this time. She would be better. ‘Yeah, that sounds good.’
Lucy nodded and left, holding the door open after her for her boss to go inside.
‘Sorry about that, you know how it goes,’ Tennant said, sliding in behind her desk and grabbing the files Kate put there earlier.
‘No bother. So-‘ Kate gave the agent the information needed, the entire time spent thinking about the drinks and the conversation she would have later.
She would be better for Lucy. She had to.